


Braver Than We Are

by progdor



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Drama, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Romance, Threesome - F/M/M, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-05-02
Packaged: 2019-12-29 18:17:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 241,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18299546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/progdor/pseuds/progdor
Summary: Five years after Third Impact and life has changed for Asuka and Shinji, they are living away from one another with neither seeing each other in that time. A stranger washing up at the site of Third Impact could possibly change all that.





	1. Chapter 1

_Can I hold on, can I believe in_ __  
All the things you are?  
There's no sane in, chaos reigns in Subterranea

**January 11 th 2021**

**Tokyo 3 Outskirts - Early Morning**

There is a bright flash of light and I suddenly become aware of my surroundings. I'm underwater, swimming in a dark red liquid. I feel panic within me as I hold my breath and swim towards the surface as quick as I can. My limbs feel as if they're on fire as I finally reach the surface of the water and gasp for air.

I float on the surface for a few moments taking in my surroundings. Off in the distance I see the land, without hesitating I start to swim towards it as fast as my aching body will take me. As I move a sickening smell infiltrates my nostrils, my mind registers what this foul copper-like smell is.

Blood... Am I swimming in blood? I try not to think about it. Survival and getting out of this liquid is the priority. I move forward and my mind informs me that swimming has never been one of my strengths. It was something I was capable of but never enjoyed or excelled at. Fortunately, that doesn't seem to matter as I reach the land.

I'm thankful for the sensation of the soft sand beneath my naked feet as I take a few slow and careful steps out of the water. Every part of my body hurts and I again find myself thankful for the sand being there to cushion me as I fall forward. Some of it flies up into my face and mouth, I try to spit it out before rolling onto my back and simply lying there for a few moments to catch my breath.

I can now feel the water lapping at my bare feet and the hems of my trousers. I can still smell the blood-like smell of the liquid and in my weakened state I prop myself up onto my elbows and try to shift away from the liquid. Above me the sky is a brilliant blue, the sun shining down on me and there is a gentle but cool breeze in the air.

I look down at myself. I'm barefoot and wearing a pair of black trousers, this is accompanied by a white button-up shirt that is currently open revealing a tattered orange t-shirt. I look up from myself to the rest of my surroundings. Ahead of me I see the pool I emerged from, it's an incredibly large body of water coloured a deep blood red. The smell of it makes me feel sick but I can see that it is not blood as I feared.

I look around and some additional monuments catch my eye. I feel rising out of the water a number of large strange statues. They're posed in cross like forms, their arms stretching out wide. I shudder at the sight of them. There is something eerily familiar about them, something familiar and terrifying. I dislike this feeling and turn my head away not wishing to see them any longer.

'Where am I?' I ask myself as I take another look around, trying to avoid looking at the statues. As I look around I see other things that catch my eye and seem so familiar to me. I see the remains of buildings sticking up out of the water and I wonder exactly what happened here. What cause all of this to happen and why am I here now?

I try to cast my mind back to what happened before I emerged from that pool. I try to remember what happened to me before that bright flash of light. It's at this moment I feel my stomach drop and little pangs of panic rise up inside me.

I... I can't remember. I can't... remember anything before that flash of light. I don't know what happened before it, I don't know... I don't know who I am!

"Who am I?"

I speak the words aloud hoping that maybe hearing the sound of my own voice might trigger something inside of me.

It doesn't. Instead I feel more pangs of panic inside my stomach and I feel sicker than before. I don't know who I am! I don't know my name, where I came from, why I'm here or anything. No matter how much I try to remember, I'm just drawing a blank.

I get myself onto my knees and crawl forward towards the water. Pain shoots through my body with each movement but I try to shrug it off. I can't stop... I... I have to know.

"Who.... Who Am I?"

I say the words again as I get closer to the water. I look down at it hoping to see some sort of reflection. Some sort of clue as to who I am but the water is too dark to reflect anything for me to see.

"Who am I!"

I ask again as I bring my hand down into the water in frustration. I feel the droplets splash up onto my face.

"Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?"

I keep asking and with each time I ask I bring a hand down into the water. I'm vaguely aware of a sound from behind me but I don't care to turn around and see what it is. All that matters to me is trying to find an answer to who I am. I dislike this. I hate this. I'm terrified of this. I need to know. I need to know!

"Who! Am! I!"

I ask again as both hands come down, more water splashed up onto me as I hear another sound. It sounds like something slamming and moments later it's accompanied by the sound of footsteps. I don't turn around, I find myself frozen with fear as I wait for them to approach. The sound stops and I hear a voice, that of a young woman.

"Go and contact headquarters, tell them they were right and we have another survivor. Get them to prepare one of the rooms. I'll deal with this."

I still don't turn around but I'm fairly sure one of the others has turned and went away. I remain still as I hear the woman start to walk towards me. She stops a metre or two away from me and I slowly turn myself around.

She is looking at me somewhat cautiously, perhaps the way someone might approach an animal they were unsure of. She kneels slowly and I take the time to look at her properly. She is a young woman with long brown hair done up in a ponytail. She is wearing a uniform that I don't recognize. Her expression seems warm and friendly but also cautious.

"Don't be afraid. We're here to help you." She finally says in a warm tone.

"Who... Who am I?" I ask weakly, "I... I don't... I don't remember... anything."

She takes a few steps forward and kneels down in front of me. She places a warm hand on my shoulder and rubs gently, "It'll be alright, it’s a side effect of the emergence. In time you'll be fine, we're going to take you back to a safe place. Is that alright?"

I nod weakly at her. I don't know what she means by emergence but I feel like I can trust her.

"Good. Can you stand?"

I nod again, "I-I think so."

She gets to her feet and extends a hand towards me. I reach out and take it and she helps me to my feet. My body still aches and I stumble forward slightly but she is there to catch me. She puts my arm around her shoulders and helps guide me towards a waiting vehicle and her colleague. I remain silent as I'm helped into the back of the vehicle as she takes a radio from him.

"Team 2-A reporting in, I have one survivor. Male, late teens and showing some signs of emergence sickness. Will need a doctor on standby for when we return."

I hear the voice on the other side come through clearly,  _"A survivor? Been quite a while since the last one. We've got a room ready as we speak and I'll let the medical team know to be on standby. Anything else to report?"_

"Nothing, it's all quiet out here. Will see you shortly."

The two of them climb into the vehicle properly and close the door. I look around and bring the belt around me and clip it in. It's strange that I can't remember who I am but I know to do this. As the car moves away I begin to wonder who these people are and what this emergence sickness was they mentioned.

After a minute or so the man in the car turns himself around, he is about the same age as the girl.

"Our facility is only about ten minutes away from here." He tells me, "You know, you're the first person we've seen emerge in quite some time. We thought that all who were going to return had already returned by now."

I look at him in confusion not really knowing what he is talking about. All I can do is nod my head and immediately he seems to recognize my confusion.

"Sorry, I guess you probably don't have a clue what I'm talking about do you?"

I shake my head, "I am sorry."

"No need to apologize." He says to me, "it's the emergence sickness. It affects most of us when we come out. Tend to draw a complete blank as to who we are and what happened before. It'll pass tough, it always does!"

I feel somewhat reassured by his words but that little feeling of dread is still hanging there. I resist the urge to ask questions like, 'what if it doesn't?'

"So is there anything you do remember?"

"No... nothing." I tell him.

"Well try to not worry about it!" He reassures me again, "Few days rest and everything will work out fine."

**UN Emergence Support Facility – Late Evening**

I look into the bathroom mirror and once again try to recall just who it is I am. I can feel the frustration beginning to set in for me. It’s been this way for three quarters of an hour and I’ve come no closer to remembering who I am than I was this morning.

I know that they said this would only be temporary but I want to know, I need to know. I don’t want to just sit there and wait. I want to try and do everything I can to remember. I want to remember as soon as I can but as I look in this mirror all I see is the reflection of someone I don’t know. I see eyes that I’ve never seen before, I see an expression I don’t know and I’m scared. What if I can’t remember?

I had the chance to find out some things about what had happened. I found out that five years ago there was a cataclysmic event that threatened the world. It was an event known as the Third Impact, it had ultimately been stopped but a large number of people had vanished as a result of it. Many of those people had since returned, they had emerged from the very same body of water that I emerged from.

They also explained the ‘Emergence Sickness’ phenomenon to me too. A number of returnees had suffered from a loss of memory similar to what I have done. All of these people would recover their members in time, some of them in a few hours and others would take a few days. They had no process for helping this happen, it was said that it would just happen in time.

All I have to do is wait. All I have to do is wait and feel this frustration within me knowing I could do nothing about it. All I can do is wait and feel fear at the thought that I might be the first who doesn’t recover my memory. What if I go the rest of my life not knowing who I truly am?

No! I will recover them, I can… I can feel them somewhere inside of me. I know they’re there, as I listened to those people today I would hear certain words and phrases that would trigger certain feelings or emotions inside of me. I must be close to remembering but it is almost as if my memories are locked behind some giant door and I need to find the key.

I look once again at my own reflection and I observe just how peculiar I look compared to the others here. No one mentioned anything but upon seeing my own face for the first time I can see the striking differences between myself and them. It is like I am some sort of alien amongst them. I fix my gaze at the unknown face, stare deep into the red eyes, run my hand through my grey hair and observe my pale skin.

Perhaps… Perhaps it would be best if I took their advice and go to sleep. Maybe in the morning I will remember. I look towards the other room and I can feel tiredness throughout my body. I will sleep, tomorrow may bring the answers I seek.

**January 12 th - Early Morning**

I remember! I remember! I remember!

I awake suddenly from my restless slumber, I can feel my heart pounding rapidly in my chest and I feel the sheets cling to my sweat covered body. Tears sting my eyes as I lay on my side with my eyes wide open staring at the wall.

I know who I am! I know what I am and… I know that I should not… I should not be here.

As I lay on my side not daring to move my nightmare replays itself in my head. I have never dreamed before. I was… I was incapable of such things, I thought I was incapable of such things and yet I have experienced that very such thing right now. The dream was of those final moments, my taking of Evangelion Unit 02, that long trip down to Central Dogma, my conversation with Shinji and my sacrifice.

I have very little time to dwell on this as I’m suddenly hit with another new and unpleasant sensation. A sharp pain is felt in my stomach and I feel an odd queasiness and dizziness in my head. I lie still for a moment hoping it will go away before the pain turns to a burning sensation. In that moment my instincts kick in and I leap out of the bed.

I sprint into the bathroom just in time for the feeling to completely overwhelm me. I collapse to my knees both of them hitting the tiled floor roughly and painfully. I feel more pain throughout me as I retch and throw up violently into the toilet bowl.

With my stomach emptied I remain still for a moment and let out a soft whimper as more tears run down my cheek. My stomach and chest hurt so much, my knees hurt from collapsing onto them. I weakly reach for a piece of toilet tissue and wipe my mouth before flushing the contents of the toilet.

I let out another soft whimper. I remember everything now. I remember it all so clearly. I daren’t move from my position in the cold bathroom. Instead I bring my knees up to my naked chest and wrap my arms around them.

All of those memories were rushing through my head now. I can remember it all. I can remember NERV, SEELE, my own birth and the man who raised me. I can remember Shinji with his sweet smile and innocence. I can remember his eyes when I betrayed him. I can… remember it all now and contrary to my previous wishes I wish I could forget it again.

I am Kaworu Nagisa… I was the last Angel mankind had to face. I should not be alive. These thoughts continue to cycle through my mind as I hug my knees tightly and my soft whimpers turn to loud sobs. I fear sleep will not find me again tonight as I sit sobbing on the hard bathroom floor.

**January 19 th – Morning**

One week has passed since I emerged from the sea of souls as I have come to understand it. One week since I was somehow given a second chance at life. One whole week of nights filled with nightmares and days filled with the fear of others. I’ve spent each day since I recalled who I was living in fear that I will be hurt. I’ve spent each night terrified of going to sleep knowing that only nightmares will await me.

It is something of a cruel irony, in my past life I had always wondered what it must be like to dream. I was almost envious of those Lilim who did so. I always wondered what sort of dreams I would have and wished that I were able to. Now I just wish I could be like that again. The reality is far more terrifying than the fantasy.

Yet dreams were just one thing I have had to get used to over this past week. I have been examined by this facilities medical staff, spoken to the people who brought me in and it seems I am now completely human. I am no longer an Angel, I am one of them.

It is a feeling that is both liberating to me and terrifying at the same time. I find myself no longer plagued by the crippling loneliness I used to feel in that form, I also find myself no longer plagued by the call of Adam or Lilith. I am no longer able to sense the A.T. Fields of every being around me but I am also no longer able to protect myself with my own A.T. Field should the need arise.

I have found myself struggling with the array of emotions within me. When I was an Angel I felt emotions but they were always dulled by other parts that made up myself. I perhaps did not feel them nor could I express them quite as a human would. Yet now I am feeling these things, I am feeling fear and sadness properly for the first time, it is somewhat overwhelming to get used to.

Again I used to wonder what it’d be like to feel those unchained emotions. To be able to express myself properly and experience what humans feel. They were always fascinating beings to me, I was always told I was above them, better than them and yet in many ways I longed to be one of them. I wondered what made me above them, what made me better than them? I know the truth now, I was not above them or better than them, I was simply different but… I have realized this truth much too late.

In speaking to me I have been assured by the people who brought me in that I am safe. That they do know who I was and what I was and that no harm will come to me. That I am to be treated the same as anyone else who has been through this process has been. It is a small comfort to me, a person who was brought up being told constantly about the negative side of humanity.

As I lie in my bed my thoughts turn once again to the person who I hurt all those years ago. I wonder if these feelings of fear I have now are what he used to feel. Did you feel fear like this Shinji? Did you feel it each time before you piloted the Eva? Did you feel it before you went to school? Was this fear inside me the same as the crippling fear inside of you?

I sit myself up and look around my quarters. They are somewhat barren but larger and more homely than what I was used to in the past. In one corner is a wardrobe with a chest of drawers next to it that I am used to store the clothing I’ve been given by the facility staff.

In an opposite corner is a small kitchen where I am able to make myself small meals and tea. The centre of the room has a small sofa with a television set up in front of it. I grab the remote control and turn the television on. Immediately I’m greeted by two hosts on some morning talk show, they seem to be discussing a news report about a recent raid on what was suspected to be a SEELE facility.

I quickly change the channel not wishing to hear anything related to that organization now or in the near future. Instead I settle on some kids cartoon and leave it on in the background as I start to get changed. I get halfway through putting my trousers on before I hear a faint knock at the door.

"Just a moment." I call out to whoever it is and finish putting on the rest of my clothes. I button up my shirt and wander over to the door. Opening it reveals Kodama Horaki, the woman who found me on the beach a week ago.

"Mr Nagisa." She addresses me in a formal manner, one that makes me feel slightly uncomfortable. I've never really understood formal greetings as far as humans go but it is not my lack of understanding that provides discomfort. It is that it reminds me of my first meeting with Shinji Ikari.

I force a smile to my lips, "Please... As I have said before feel free to call me Kaworu."

She nods at me, "Fine, Kaworu it is then! How are you feeling today?"

I step aside and let her into the room and close the door behind her. I look for a moment and the smile leaves my lips. I consider telling her I am fine but it would not help me to lie to her.

"I am... feeling better. I am still struggling with the nightmares though."

Her expression softened on hearing my words, "That's understandable, a lot of people when they emerge do experience these things for a short amount of time. If they are that bad then I might be able to speak to someone to give you something?"

I shake my head, "No, I would... as frightening as they are I should deal with them. I fear that they are not just a symptom of the emergence but something else. It is just... I am not used to the experience of dreaming either."

"You did not dream beforehand?" She asked me with some surprise in her voice.

I shake my head once again, "No I didn't. I needed to rest and sleep in my previous body but dreams were not part of that process. I was told about dreams and what they were and I did wonder what it would be like to experience one. It is... ironic that in receiving my answer it only serves to terrify me."

"Like I said, if you need anything we can help you."

"I... Thank you, I will deal with it for the moment but remember your offer."

I look awkwardly around the room searching for some words to say. Before all of this, words would come to me so easily. Now I find myself struggling for things to say to people, I find myself silent a lot of the time.

I look towards Kodama again. She was not only the one who found me last week but she is also the one who has been helping me figure things out and guide me somewhat. When I remembered who I was she was the first one I told. She did not seem to be angry at me or upset with me despite knowing who and what I was. She is curious and something about her is familiar yet I do not know quite what it is.

I think of something to say and strangely one question comes to mind, "Can I ask... what is going to happen to me?"

I pause for a moment, "It is my understanding that this facility was made for people to stay in on a temporary basis, am I right in assuming this is the case for me too?"

Kodama let's out a sigh and shifts from one leg to the other, "Well actually that is why I'm here to talk to you. Your... situation is a unique one Kaworu. There is a lot of discussion going on above me that I'm not exactly privy too."

"That is... understandable." I reply.

"Not just because of who you were but also because of who you are now, you see usually when people emerge and we know who they are we'll start a process of tracking down friends and family."

It's hard for me to hide the sadness in my voice a I reply to her, "And I do not have either of those."

She steps forwards and places a warm comforting hand on my shoulder, "You don't have anything?"

I shake my head, "Nothing, I was born into what the world knew as SEELE. My entire existence and upbringing were based around one thing and one thing alone. I... I was not supposed to live past that moment."

"Kaworu..." She pulls me in closer, not quite hugging me completely but just enough to comfort me.

"Friends and family were something I did not know, I am... alone in this world."

There is a brief pause, she looks like she wants to say something but is hesitant. Finally, she does actually speak, "There is always Tokyo-2... We have rehomed most of the former NERV staff there and..."

I take a step back and feel the fear rise up inside me as I shake my head, "N-No! I.. I do not think that after what I nearly did... I don't think It would be wise for me to be in such an environment."

She steps puts her hand up to her chin and thinks about it for a moment, "I understand. Such things can... wait for the moment. As I mentioned the discussions are going on above me so I do not know the options available yet."

"I am... a unique and complex case." I say with some humour in my voice.

"Yeah... You certainly are." She smiles reassuringly at me, "It might take some time Kaworu but... whilst you're here I want to make sure you have everything you need to be happy. If you... If you need anything at all just reach out and ask me."

It is quite an odd feeling to have someone ask me what it is I desire. It's a question I've never been asked before. Usually things were just given to me with an expectation that I would do what is required and no more or less. My upbringing was orchestrated by a committee and handled by many. It was broken down into stages and mapped out for me.

So now I have to think, is there anything that I... Kaworu Nagisa want? What do I desire? What are my likes and dislikes? Who... who exactly am I? I have shelter, I have access to food and I have some small comforts like a warm bed and a television. It's all provided to me and yet I am being offered more?

Part of me would feel ungrateful and uncomfortable for asking for anything else. After all is this not enough? I have not exactly done anything to warrant anything else. Yet... there is something I do desire. Something that when I think back on did make me happy in the past and might help me now. I look at Kodama, "Actually.... Is there a piano in this facility?"

"A piano?" She half smiles as she asks the question and I instantly feel uncomfortable asking for such a thing. Perhaps that was too much, too big of a thing to ask for.

I nod, "Yes... I... I used to enjoy playing the piano. I think... I think it might help if I could play again?"

Her smile widens, "I'm not sure but... I'll see what I can do."

**January 26 th - Afternoon**

My fingers dance lightly across the piano as I feel myself completely lost in my own music. I pay no attention to the book in front of me instead I allow myself to play what it is I desire. I allow myself to play without any idea of what it is that'll come next. I skip from note to note, black key to white key, shifting scale and time signature exploring the full depth of what it is I can do.

Joy lights up my heart as I play, I feel free, a sensation unlike any I have felt before. I wonder if this is is how all those great musicians felt when they composed. Lost in their music and the worlds they created with their symphonies.

Kodama had, much to my great joy been able to find a piano. An older model that had been locked away in the facilities storage. It had been brought in when the centre had opened many years ago but put away again when the number of returnees had dropped off. I was of course the first person to emerge for quite some time, it was quite a shock to the people who worked here but they also seemed somewhat pleased to have me around.

Since I have returned I have learned a few things from Kodama about this place. Before my return there had been talks of actually repurposing this facility for other usage. The area around Tokyo-3 had recently been discussed as a place of interest for certain groups. I do now know what for and I do not feel I need to know but as far as I have been told until they were certain no one would return this place would remain open.

I bring my improvisation to a halt and almost immediately I hear the sounds of polite applause from behind me. I feel myself blush immensely as I turn around and see Kodama beaming at me from across the room.

"That was amazing Kaworu! How long have you been playing for?"

I smile nervously, I am unused to praise for my abilities, in my past I was told what I did was adequate and no more.

"As long as I can remember." I say to her, "It was... one of the few forms of entertainment I was granted access to I suppose. My former handlers felt I should have some appreciation for human culture and so the piano was chosen for me along with the works of various classical composers."

"Was it one of their pieces you were playing just now?"

I allow myself a smile and shake my head, "It was not... I was... Improvising just now. I suppose you could call it my first act of rebellion against them."

"Rebellion?" She asks with some curiosity.

I smile sheepishly, "When I was with them I did enjoy what I was exposed to. I truly thought it was wondrous and the very height of human culture. How people could tell stories and convey emotion with notes on a page. Yet I was limited in what I could do, I was to play only works by the so-called greats. My days were filled with endless recitals of Back, Beethoven, Mozart and so on and so forth."

"And you didn't enjoy this?"

"At the time I didn't mind but... I no longer have a desire to go back to those. I wish to create my own path."

Kodama sits herself down near to me, "Sounds like some really pushy parents. So... it was just the 'greats'? No modern stuff at all?"

"I am afraid not." I reply, "The past one hundred and fifty years or so of human popular culture is little more than a blank to me. I know a few names here and there but I cannot say I have ever watched a television show properly, I have not seen a movie nor did I listen to anything modern. I was..."

I trailed off as I see her stand up and come over to me. She sits herself down next to me on the bench and puts an arm around me.

"I'm... so sorry you had to go through that Kaworu."

I shrug, "It is... something I have come to accept and I suppose I did not think about it at the time. My life was driven by one purpose, one goal and that was supposed to lead humanity onto its next stage... I..."

I trail off again and sniff as I feel the emotion well up inside of me. A tear trickles down my cheek as she hugs me closer to her.

"I was not aware of how lonely my existence was."

Her arm tightens, "You don't need to be alone anymore Kaworu. There is a huge world out there and plenty of time for you to explore all sorts of things.

I look at her and wipe the tears away, "I am... truly sorry for what I was Kodama..."

"you don't have to be." She replies sternly, "What happened... It wasn't your fault. We know what SEELE did to you and also to many others. We know how they hurt and manipulated people. The best thing you can do now is move forward Kaworu..."

"I... I guess."

She looks at me, "Anyway I wasn't just hear to attend your little concert, it seems you have a visitor."

I look at her in confusion, "A visitor? For me? I do not understand, I don't know anyone here unless..."

I can feel my eyes widen as that now familiar feeling of fear rises up inside me again. There is no one in this world I have any attachment to but one but... he could not be the visitor, could he? If he is then... no... I can't face him. I can never face him.

"Actually..." Kodama speaks up, "We were a little bit confused too, we didn't... think the two of you had any connection but he has insisted on seeing you. He says he wants to help put things right for you."

**Meeting Room**

I’m not quite sure what to expect as I follow Kodama silently through the corridors of the facility. I try to think about who this person might be, my mind running through a number of possibilities. I had not dared to ask Kodama who this person was fearing what the answer might actually be.

My mind had of course wondered if it might be Shinji. When I think about what I know, or at least what I knew of Shinji it would be just like him to come to me wanting to make things right. It’d be just like him to blame himself for what had happened. Yet that was the Shinji of back then, a lot will likely have changed in the five years that have passed.

I of course do not know what I would do if it were Shinji, I sincerely hope it is not him. I am not in a position to face him nor do I think I will ever be. I hurt Shinji badly, I offered him friendship and love when he was at his lowest and I betrayed him. It matters not that my feelings for him were real, I cared for Shinji, I wanted to be friends with him and despite knowing him for a short time I dare say that I felt love for him.

Yet I could not do anything to fight against the cruel masters known as SEELE or the call that I felt within my heart. Yet these things matter not, it has all happened and I cannot go back. I cannot change what transpired. I can only go on knowing that my actions helped drive Shinji to his lowest point and hope that he has maybe found some peace.

I try to think of other possibilities, perhaps I can eliminate Shinji as a possibility. Kodama said she didn’t think me and this other person had any connection. There were others in NERV that had encountered me only a number of time. Yet I cannot think of anyone who would wish to make anything up to me.

There is another possibility, perhaps a fallen member of SEELE but then… which one would have had such a change of heart? They all treated me with such disdain, like the tool that I was. Those old men would never change, I am certain of that.

As we move into another corridor I see Kodama stop and she turns to face me, “Are you nervous?”

I nod, “Somewhat, I cannot imagine who it is who would wish to meet with me nor can I think of anyone who would wish to put anything right with me. If anything it is I who has a lot to put right with others.”

“You know… you yourself were not to blame for what happened Kaworu.” Kodama looks at me sternly as she speaks, “In your situation I think… I think all of us would have acted in the same way. You were born into that organization, you were raised by them and conditioned by them. Yet when it came to it you did not destroy us, you tried… to give us some hope and allowed humanity to go forward.”

I look at her and shake my head, “I hurt someone who had placed all their trust in me in the process.”

“Perhaps you did but… the way I see it you didn’t have a choice. You didn’t know better.” She replied, “Things ended up alright in the end and… well you have the opportunity to have a life now. Life in Tokyo-3… wasn’t easy.”

I look up at her and find it hard to hide my surprise, “You were in Tokyo-3?”

She shoots me a grin, “Yeah! Although we actually evacuated shortly before your arrival. If things had been different… well you probably would have been one of my sisters’ classmates!”

“Y-Your sister?”

Kodama nods, “Yup! Hikari, she was the class rep at that time!”

“Of course.” I mutter, now I know where I have heard Kodama’s name before. Hikari was one of the students that would have been in his class. He had been given a file about his fellow classmates before he was sent to Tokyo-3.

“I… I thought your name seemed familiar… I was… SEELE give me a list of people who would have been in my class.”

She shakes her head, “You don’t need to explain, anyway we shouldn’t keep our guest waiting any longer.”

Kodama opens the door for me and I look into the room and fix my gaze on the elderly man wearing a dark blue suit and tie. He has a folder tucked under one arm and I’m surprised to see a warm smile on his face. He looks towards myself and Kodama and with his gaze I feel myself rooted to the spot. Of all the possibilities I did not consider that my visitor would be the former NERV Sub Commander Kozo Fuyutsuki.

He bows politely, “Ms Horaki, Mr Nagisa.”

I bow my head politely, “H-Hello.”

Kodama also greets him politely, “Mr Fuyutsuki.”

I avert my eyes for a moment and look around the meeting room. It was a fairly basic affair, they had set up a small coffee table along with a couch and some comfortable chairs. A few colourful plants and pictures had been placed around the edges for decoration. Guided by Kodama I make my way into the room and sit myself down on the couch next to her.

This was most certainly not what I was expecting. I admittedly know very little about Fuyutsuki. I know what he was Gendo Ikari’s right hand man at NERV and had some history with both Gendo and Yui Ikari. Outside of that I know nothing else, he was a non-factor in my mission.

“Thank you for arranging this.” He speaks to Kodama before turning to look at me, “How are you feeling Mr Nagisa?”

I nod, “I am… feeling okay.”

“That is good to hear, I understand myself that emerging from the sea is not the most pleasant of feelings. I will not take up too much of your time.”

“I… do not mind.” I say to him before continuing and expressing my confusion, “I must admit that I am somewhat confused by your being here. It was mentioned that… well you wanted to…”

“Make things up to you?” Fuyutsuki finishes my sentence for me, “Yet you do not recall us meeting. This is true, we did not meet once during your brief moments in Tokyo-3.”

I nod, “Then… what do you have to make right with me?”

He shakes his head and sighs, “Perhaps I used the wrong phrase. I suppose… well what I am doing is a little bit selfish on my part. An attempt to make myself feel better about what happened for aiding in ruining the lives of many. Since that Third Impact I have been… making an attempt to contribute and help those who need it.”

I look at Kodama in confusion and she starts to speak, “Fuyutsuki was actually one of the founding members of this facility. He left after the first year though to travel the world and provide medical aid to those who needed it in areas damaged by the two Impact incidents. Fuyutsuki was… also instrumental in making sure the survivors of Tokyo-3 were given appropriate support and compensation packages.”

“I… I see…” I stutter out a response, “So… you wish to help me?”

He nods, “I do. I’m going to be travelling to Europe shortly and will be staying in Germany for quite some time. I’m in need of an assistant to help me in my work. It will not be difficult work, nothing you couldn’t learn to do easily. You will of course be paid for your work and on top of that I will ensure you have a place to stay on top of the compensation package you’ll receive as a former pilot.”

I look at him in confusion, “I don’t understand, surely there are many others already more qualified to do this than I. After all you know the circumstances of what I was and who I am.”

He nods again, “Yes I do, I know who you are and what SEELE did for you. I know that you and the other pilots have all experienced something horrible in your lives and I also know that I am partly to blame for that.”

He pauses for a moment to sip from his coffee, “I know that if I were to live another hundred years I could not possibly erase all the damage I have done but I wish to do what I can whilst I can.”

“So that includes helping me?”

“Yes. I… do not expect you to answer me right away and I will not mind if you choose to reject my offer. I understand if you want to leave this place and forge a new life away from me and all of this but I ask that you at least consider it.”

“I-I see…” I nod again as he places a folder down on the table, “In which case I shall consider your offer.”

**February 9 th - Facility Entranceway**

It has been two weeks now since Fuyutsuki come to me with his offer of aiding me in starting a new life and working for him. Since his visit I looked extensively over the information he provided trying to understand what it was I would be doing. It seems that I will be aiding Fuyutsuki mostly in an administrative capacity. It seems like fairly basic things, filling out reports and mailing them for him. Handling calls and arranging appointments. All things that I feel I’m capable of doing.

For accepting this role I’ll be paid a wage and given my own apartment in Berlin. This will be on top of a package I’ll be receiving from the UN as part of my compensation. I still don’t really understand why I’m owed anything for my role in NERV. If anything I nearly destroyed their world rather than saved it.

As I stand here I wonder if I am right in accepting Fuyutsuki’s offer. I look at this as an opportunity to finally start to learn about the world and experience what life has to offer. As I stand her though all I feel is sadness and the familiar sense of fear once more.

I look behind me at the entrance to the facility that I have called my home for the last month. This place has been a safe space for me that has helped shelter me from the pain that I know waits outside its walls. It is a place where all I had to fear were the thoughts inside my head, but out here I have so much more to be afraid of.

“Nervous?” I hear Kodama’s voice from behind me.

I nod, “Before… Before I was sent to Tokyo-3… Keel and the others in SEELE would often tell me about this world. They would tell me how corrupt and unsafe it was, about how dangerous humanity was. They would inform me of news reports on terrorist attacks, wars, murder, sexual assault and more. They told me about the world dark history, its many genocides, slavery and violent conquests.”

“They really tried to get you to believe humanity was at a dead end didn’t they?”

I nod again, “Yes… I think that even then I knew what they were doing. I knew they were hiding the positive and beauty of the world from me. After all how could a world so bad produce the beautiful music I heard and performed?”

I shuffle my feet, “I know the beauty of this world but I know it is dangerous and I am afraid.”

“I understand, it can be scary out there.”

“Also…” I pause, “I will be returning to Germany… to Berlin the… place of my ‘birth’ as it were.”

“Do you remember anything of the city?”

I shake my head, “Nothing, only a few pictures. I was never allowed out into the city itself. I can only remember parts of the facility that I was raised in.”

“Well it’s a beautiful city from what I hear. I’m sure you’ll love it.”

“I hope so.” I smile and watch as a black car pulls up in front of us, “I suppose that this is goodbye.”

She nods before grabbing and pulling me close to her and hugging me, “Good luck Kaworu, please promise you’ll stay in touch. I want to know everything okay?”

I nod, “I will. Thank you for everything Kodama.”

With those words she releases me from the hug. I pick up the small suitcase I have and walk towards the car. I’m greeted by a smiling man in a suit, he takes the case from me and places it in the boot of the car. I feel a cool breeze around me as I turn and give Kodama and the facility one last glance.

I get into the back of the car and moments later it slowly pulls away from the facility. I now take the opportunity to take the gift Kodama has given me from my pocket. A music player filled with music of influential musicians from the late 60s through to the present day. I hear the music fill my ears as I gaze out of the window.

I suppose this is onwards towards my new future, a future that I did not expect I would ever have.


	2. Both Sides Of The Story

**August 15 th**

**Cafe – Berlin – Early Morning**

As I step out of the hot morning sun that shines overhead in Berlin and into the cool air-conditioned space that the café offers I reach up and take off my sunglasses. I look around and see a few people are here already. University students mostly come to study or recover from a night out drinking. Finally, I spot my target, a small and empty seat by the window, a perfect spot for me. I walk over and set my laptop down on the table, plug it into the wall socket and prepare to start my work.

I'm barely able to load up the document before I hear a loud voice from behind me call out my name, "Asuka! It's so nice to see you, your usual?"

I turn to look and call back with a grin, "Of course!"

I see the source of the voice get to work behind the counter. He's the owner of this café, a short, jolly rotund man with a bushy blonde moustache. I always thought he looked a bit out of place running a café like this. He looks more like he'd be at home as one of the Gauls from and Asterix and Obelix comic.

Yet here he is running a café like this, not only does he run it but he is very good at it. It's become quite a popular little place since it opened up about a year ago. I come here frequently to get on with my work.

In barely any time at all I find him stood behind me, setting my coffee down on the table.

I smile politely, "Thank you, is it only you wokring today?"

He shakes his head, "Sofia should be coming in shortly. So, what are you working on?"

I shrug, "Nothing overly important. I'm just trying to finish up a few edits for the book before I send it off to the publishers for review. It's still a bit of a rough draft but it seems they want to make the announcement early and get some previews made. They want to make sure they get the news out of the sequel whilst there is still some hype for the original."

"Oh! How exciting!" He booms, "Does that mean you'll be getting interviewed by the press?"

"No chance!" I exclaim and shake my head, "I'm not even bothered if the damn thing gets published. It was just because a friend opened their mouth to someone the first one got published, I just want to write them."

"You don't fancy even a small bit of the publicity from it?"

"Like I care about something like that!" I snort with laughter, "Why do you think I write under a pseudonym? I don't need to be noticed or popular, other people can do all that."

For a brief moment it seems as though his expression changes to one of disbelief or confusion but in a second he goes back to his smiling self. I suppose I can maybe forgive his confusion, after all it is perhaps strange that someone would go to the effort of working so hard on something like I did and when it's out there not wishing for any publicity but he doesn't know me. He doesn't know the real me anyway.

Maybe once upon a time I'd have welcomed the publicity and opportunity to be noticed. I'd have demanded the publicity and been on hand to sign copies and have my name be known. I'm no longer that person though. Now I just want peace and quiet and for people to leave me alone. I'm not that bratty kid who demanded to be seen and be the centre of attention. I no longer desire for people to praise me constantly and worship the ground I walk on.

I am no longer Asuka Langley Soryu, the brash Evangelion pilot. I'm Asuka Langley Soryu, I live in Berlin and I write teen fiction as a hobby. Somehow, I managed to be quite good at it, a part of me isn't surprised though. It's not as if I don't normally become good at things I turn my hand to.

Of course, to the owner of this café I'm just known as Asuka, a half Japanese, half German 19-year-old who has lived in the city all my life. He knows nothing of who I was, of who I used to be and nowadays no one knows that anymore. I made sure that no one would know where or who I was when I left Japan. I asked for all my records to be replaced with fresh ones, nothing would tie me to what had happened anymore. I asked for all contact to be cut off and to be left alone by the UN or whatever it was NERV would become.

I'm not stupid though, I know that they're still out there watching me. I can sense their presence much in the same way that I could when I was younger. It's not Section 2 anymore but someone else but I know they're there. I was tempted at one point to contact them to tell them to stop and that they didn't need to watch over me but it'd just be more unnecessary hassle that I didn't need. Besides contacting them was a risk, if I contacted them the wrong person might say something and that would lead to people know where I was. So, I'll allow it for now, as long as they keep their distance and no promises get broken.

I'm about to go back to the document when I hear the owners voice again, "Will you be having lunch? Eggs are nice and fresh this morning."

My stomach rumbles at his offer, I skipped breakfast this mornign and it is coming up to lunch time. Maybe I should eat before I start work. I shoot him a smile, "Sound good, eggs it is then, scrambled and with bacon, sausage and toast I think."

**Tokyo 2 – Afternoon**

I'm sat nervously in the reception area of the building the UN has here in Tokyo-2. Laid carefully at my feet is my cello case and my eyes keep up a pattern of moving from the case to the clock on the wall and then at the receptionist as she does her work. It's been half an hour since I came in here and this pattern was started. All I want is for Misato to be finished with her meeting so that we can go home.

I don't like being outside any longer than is necessary, if I can help It I barely go outside at all. I'm I'm told to then I will but most of the time I always have to be accompanied by someone. Being outside on my own terrifies me. I'm scared that someone might recognize me, know about me and what I've done.

There is a part of me that is trying hard to reject that. It's there using Misato's words, or the words of my friends to tell me that no one is going to recognize me and even if they did I haven't done anything wrong. They tell me that no one knows any of the pilot's identities and the pilots are the ones who saved the world, especially me.

Yet those voices are so easily surprised by a louder one. It sounds like myself and it tells me that everyone I pass in the street secretly knows who I am and one day one of them is going to hurt me. It tells me that if they did hurt me that I deserve it. It tells me that when it does happen I'll have no one to blame but myself because I was really the one who nearly caused this world to end, I was the one responsible for the Third Impact and for ruining so many people's lives.

I shake my head slightly, no. I mustn't think that. It wasn't like that, I wasn't to blame. I know it. I know I wasn't to blame.

"Mr Ikari?"

I nearly jump out of my seat at the sudden sound of the receptionist's voice. I look up to see her looking at me with an amused look on her face. I start to blush thinking about what an idiot I must have looked like.

"Can I get you something whilst you wait?"

I shake my head, "N-No... No, thank you."

With those words the silence fills the room once more and I go back to my routine of looking from the clock to my cello case. I decide to leave the receptionist out of this now, still feeling like an idiot for jumping like that. In a way I'm thankful for that moment, it stopped the negative thoughts for a moment and now I can work on that.

I need to remember what I've been told. Just slow my breathing and go through it all calmly. I knew something like this might happen today but I just need to remember what I tell myself when I go to school or out to get groceries. This is just slightly different to those times, I'm out longer and in a different part of the city.

I glance back down at my cello case as I keep making an effort to calm myself down. It's been a long time since I've played the thing. The last time was that night so many years ago, a night that is still fresh in my memory for all the wrong reasons. It feels like that night was the beginning or end of something, nothing that followed it was good and it was all my fault. If only I had acted differently then maybe... No... I can't... not again.

I feel my hands clench into a fist, my nails dig into the flesh in frustration as I once again try to get rid of those negative thoughts. It's just so difficult to do that today, I thought it would be but I just didn't know how hard. Why am I remembering that night, it happened years ago and I did nothing wrong. She did nothing wrong we were all... different then. You're not that Shinji anymore and Asuka... well she's gone now so that doesn't matter.

I look up just in time to see the door under the clock open suddenly. I see two people enter the lobby in suits and for just a brief moment I see one of them look over at me with what seems to be a confused look on his face.

He recognizes me, doesn't he? That's why he's looking at me like that! Any moment now he's going to come over here and I'll be...

My fingers dig more into my hands and the pain briefly snaps me out of it. Of course, he doesn't recognize me. He's probably confused as to what a 19-year-old kid is doing in a UN building with a cello at his feet.

I know this, I know all of this. It makes sense and it's so logical but even with that I can't help but be terrified of them as they pass by me. I can't help but be sure I feel their eyes on me, piercing through me as if they know exactly who and what I am. I can feel time slow down as they go past me and I focus solely on the cello case. I feel sick and my leg starts to tremble slightly.

I hate this, I hate this so much. They're just ordinary people walking past. They aren't going to hurt me or recognize me. Yet it isn't until they finally pass through the entrance to the building and out onto the street that I can let go of the breath I've been holding, unclench my fist and start to try to calm down.

This is too much, I should have just gone straight home rather than come here. I thought I was being brave but I'm just hurting myself by doing this. Thankfully I don't have to wait too much longer before the door opens and Misato walks through.

"Shinji!"

She doesn't hide her surprise at seeing me sat there waiting for her. I know she'd have expected me to go straight home after the lesson, she of all people knows how hard on me it is to be out like this. I half smile at her and nod, "H-Hey Misato."

She rushes over to me looking apologetic, "I'm so sorry I'm late! The meeting ran longer than I expected, have you been here long?"

I stand up, "N-No... not too long anyway. Is everything alright?"

She smiles at me and nods her head, "Everything is fine! I'll tell you about it in the car, I imagine you'll want to just get home now. We'll order food tonight, is that okay?"

I give her a nod and we make our way out of the building towards the car park. A few moments later I'm loading my cello into the boot of her car, a white Mazda Cosmo which she got shortly after we returned from the Third Impact. It was something she got to replace her Alpine and if I'm being honest I much prefer this car.

As I get into the front passenger seat and put my seatbelt on I already begin to feel a lot calmer. Even more so now that Misato is here.

Misato gets into the driver's seat and gives me a sympathetic look. My nervous state clearly not going unnoticed by her, she places a calming hand on my leg and speaks, "I'm really proud of you Shinji, I know today won't have been easy for you."

I hate it when Misato says she's proud of me. I always feel that little sting of tears behind my eyes when she does so. They're just words I was so unused to hearing and that I never thought I'd hear from anyone and I know she means it. I don't know if I can really express how much hearing that means to me from her, even if it is for something as simple as leaving our apartment.

"It... was really hard Misato." I admit to her with a weak smile, "I kept on thinking that at any one moment he was going to realize who I was. I... I don't know if I can do this."

The car starts to move onto the street, she keeps her eyes focused on the road as she talks to me, "Well you've done it once Shinji and that is something. It's really up to you whether or not you want to do it again."

"Do you think I should?" I ask.

"That's not my decision Shinji, that's yours to make. Do you want to continue?" Her tone shifts to sound a bit more serious, I already know what she is going to say next, "I don't want you to be doing this for me or for anyone else. I don't want you to do it because I said it might be good for you. You have to do this for yourself, you know I'll be proud of you no matter what, you're like a... no you are my son Shinji and I love you and want you to be happy."

There is that phrase again and also the reminder that I am her son now. It's hard to blind away the emotion this time but I manage it. I take a moment to think about what she has said though. This is another thing I need to learn on top of not being afraid of everyone I encounter. I need to do things for myself.

"I think I'll continue." I finally say after about a minute of thought, "I did.... I really enjoyed the lesson despite being afraid."

"So, it went alright?"

I nod, "The teacher said I was a lot more advanced than he was expecting. He said that I didn't seem to have lost much of my ability over the years I haven't been playing. He could see where I was rusty and said it'll be a matter or practicing and going back over some of the things I've forgotten."

I look around to see an eager look in Misato’s eye, “Do you need anything? Books? New string? A new bow? Cleaning products? A stand?”

I laugh at her enthusiasm, “No I don’t need anything yet, I made sure it was all in good condition before I went to the lesson. My teacher let me know a website where I can buy sheet music too.”

“Well that’s good then!”

“Yeah it is! I just…” I trail off as I remember what happened towards the end of the lesson.

Misato of course notices what, “What?”

I try to shrug it off, “No… It’s nothing…”

“Oh no you don’t!” I cringe in my seat and look towards the window, “What is it Shinji?”

I let out a sigh, “Well it’s just… my teacher said that he would like to eventually get me on to playing with other people… Maybe even put on a performance one day.”

I turn to see her nod, “I see… and what did you say to him?”

“I kinda…” I shrink further down in my seat, “I said yes.”

“Even though you knew it might have been a problem for you?”

“I just…” I start but trail off and let out a sigh, “He seemed happy when he suggested it so I… I didn’t mention it might have been a problem for me.”

I shake my head as I return to looking out of the window. I know what she is thinking and it’s the same thing I’m thinking. For all the progress I might have made over the years I’m still that same old Shinji. I’m still just saying and going along with things just because it’ll make others happy with me.

“Is that something you would like to do?”

I hear her ask but I continue looking out of the window pretending I didn’t hear her. For doing that she prods me in the leg and asks again, “Shinji! Is that something you would like to do?”

All I can do this time is muster up a simple shrug, “I don’t know… I mean I do like playing and I want to continue but the idea of playing with others I just… I don’t think I’m ready for it yet. I don’t know… If I’ll ever be ready but I also… I don’t want him to be mad with me or disappointed.”

“Well you have to explain that to him Shinji. I’m sure he isn’t going to be mad or disappointed. I’m sure he’ll understand, it’s not an easy thing for anyone to do.” She replied, “I’m sure he’s just enthusiastic about his new student. Just… do what is right for you Shinji.”

I nod and look back out of the window, “I… I’ll try.”

**Berlin – Early afternoon**

I set my coffee down on the table and give my recent edits another quick glance. I’m still not completely satisfied with what I have there but it’ll have to do for now, it’s something I can send to my publisher at the very least. I swap to my e-mail client and begin to write the e-mail.

Before I click on the send button I take a moment to prepare myself for what will come next. I ask myself if I really want to do this, if I really want to go through that again. The first time was just an accident, it was never supposed to happen. It shouldn’t have happened but she… she persuaded me. Appealed to that stupid pride that lingers inside of me.

So I’ll send this off and then they’d release the press release. I’d see it in the media with my pseudonym on it. After that I’ll start getting the stupid requests to talk to the press, they’ll tell me how good of an opportunity it’ll be and how it’d be cool for people to meet the person behind the book. Just as with the first book I’ll decline it all and stay anonymous. The publisher can handle all of that.

It wouldn’t be cool for any of them to meet the person behind the book because of who the person behind the book really is. I don’t want to be known, I don’t deserve to be known not after… not after everything I used to be. I’m trying to get away from all that and somehow I’ve ended up with this situation. A part of me wishes I had never been persuaded to take the first book to a publisher. Not people are going to expect things and… I know I’ll eventually let them down. Just like I did before.

I sigh and look at the screen trying to force those thoughts out of my mind but I know now will come the other feelings. Those fears that I sometimes get when I look around in crowded spaces and I see other people looking at me. Of course they’re not looking at me really but I can’t help but think that. Third Impact had that effect on me, for a brief moment I was… we were all linked as one being. Of course I can’t remember any of it and I know no one else can. Most of them don’t even know it happened but I do and it’s enough for me to worry.

What if one of them recognizes me? What if they figure out I was the one who nearly caused the Third Impact? I was the spiteful, hateful person that nearly pushed Shinji towards it. I was the abusive one who failed everyone and took it out on whoever was nearby. I was…

I clench my hand into a fist and bring it down on my knee carefully enough that no one will see it but just enough for me to feel it. The short burst of pain brings me out of this spiral. I look back at the screen, I have an e-mail to send.

I’m about to hit the send button when my phone starts to vibrate on the table top. I contemplate ignoring it but a quick look at the caller ID and I grab it and answer immediately, “Hello!”

A few moments later a very soft and familiar voice is heard through the other end,  _“Hello Asuka! I was just calling to see how you were?”_

I lean back in my seat and smile, “I’m doing fine! I’m actually just about to send out a sample of the next book to the publisher!”

 _“Oh good!”_  She replies,  _“So is it nearly finished?”_

“Mostly, I still need to work on some details for the ending and I’m not overly happy with a few of the scenes but it’s good enough for them to look at. How come you’re calling me now anyway? I thought you said you’d be in America around now?”

There is another pause before she replies,  _“I was but I’m actually at the airport about to board a plane for Germany. Would you like to meet up?”_

I feel myself frown at hearing her say that, my heart rate picks up just a little bit and I grip my laptops mouse a bit tighter in my hand, “Is there anyone with you?”

_“No one, I am alone.”_

“Will anyone know about it? Will you… will you be telling them where you are?”

There is another pause and her voice comes back, it’s easy to hear the disappointment,  _“If you do not wish me to come then I will not. I will not inform them though and they still do not know I am in contact with you.”_

My frown deepens at hearing her disappointment, “No it’s… I want to I just… you know the situations. I-I’m sorry I make you do that but you understand why don’t you?”

_“I am your friend Asuka and I do understand. It will just be me and I promise they will not get to know unless it is something you want.”_

“Okay then! We’ll meet up. When will you be here?”

_“My flight will arrive late tonight in Germany, so tomorrow morning. Do you still live in the same place?”_

I nod, “Yeah I do… I’ll be in all day so just… let me know when you’re on your way.”

_“I will… Thank you Asuka, I look forward to seeing you.”_

“I’ll see you tomorrow, goodbye Rei.”

As I set my phone down my hands are trembling and I take a few moments to calm myself down from talking to Rei. I take a quick drink of my coffee and look back at the e-mail, I quickly finish it off and hit send my thoughts now turning towards seeing Rei tomorrow.

Rei is not one of, if not the only friend I actually have. Of all the people from my past life she is the only one I actually have any contact with. A rather bizarre turnaround for anyone who might have known me back then. I can just imagine what that younger Asuka would say to think that she was friends with that same girl she considered a rival that girl that she swore she hated.

Of course I didn’t really hate Rei back then. I hated myself but I just took that out on everyone else. It didn’t matter who it was be it Shinji, Misato, Rei or even Hikari. I just ended up hurting others because I couldn’t deal with who I was. That’s why I’m alone now, that’s why I want to stay alone and not have anyone around me because I know if I even dare to let someone in I’ll hurt them and maybe just maybe in the off chance I don’t… they’ll find out who I was and leave me.

I know I’m being stupid. Rei has told me as much when I apologized to her the last time, I think that was apology one hundred and fifty two or something. Yet it doesn’t stop me from remembering and thinking all of that and I know that tomorrow I’ll apologize to her again.

I look back at the document, I know I’ll do no more work today. My thoughts are all jumbled up, I need a distraction. I’ll go browse that music shop I like and maybe go and look for a new game. Something to get away from my thoughts.

**\----**

**Tokyo-2 – Evening**

I enter the apartment and go straight into my room to put away my cello and get changed. As I do so Misato's words continue to ring in my ears and I start to wonder what I should do next. I try to separate what it is I think other people want from me and just what it is I want to do.

It's a question I ask myself quite often, it's not as if I want to be like this. I don't want to be afraid of people but I am. I don't want to just go along with others to make them happy but I do. I won't want to be in the habit of putting my own happiness to the side so that I can hear some praise from others but I can't break that habit.

The problem is even if I do try to do something for myself I start to question it. When it comes to taking lessons on the cello I wonder who am I really doing this for? Is it just something to make Misato happy, so that she can see me being out and about and doing something? Is it so that she'll say she is proud of me?

I let out a sigh of frustration with myself. I know Misato would be proud of me no matter what I chose. I'm like her... well I am her son now I guess. Shortly after Third Impact she made it official, she adopted me and become my mother. I just... the way her face lit up when she suggested it... how could I have said no?

Even the story of why I play the cello is frustrating. I only started playing it because of my teacher and guardian at the time suggesting it to me. He thought it'd be good for me to learn to play an instrument, said it'd help me develop some confidence and told me an appreciation for music is always a good thing.

Strangely enough when I think about it, it was actually me who picked out the cello. I can remember it quite clearly, we were in the music shop and looking at the variety of instruments. Drums, guitars, piano, violins and so much more. Something about the cello appealed to me though. The shopkeeper gave us a demonstration and I just... I become attached to it. I took lessons and it did make my teacher happy that I was doing something.

I did enjoying playing it though. I know deep down I wasn't just doing it for him but because I wanted to. I liked it and yes, I did want him to be proud of me and say that but I liked playing. I liked the way I could lose myself in what I was playing. I liked exploring the range of music composed for it and even trying to compose my own.

I let out another sigh as I sit on the edge of my bed. I look down at the cello and go back to thinking about the lesson. My instructor had been a nice man. He was a lot younger than I expected. He did actually tell me that he also worked with a number of students and that I would fit right in. I couldn't help myself but say yes as soon as he asked if I'd be interested.

I couldn't help myself but he seemed so happy and enthusiastic about it and he offered praise. I'm like some dumb moth crashing into a lightbulb. I know I'm not ready for that sort of thing yet, I'm too scared to meet other people but I can't really explain that to him. How can I explain that I'm part of the reason Third Impact happened and that now everyone terrifies me?

The worst thing about it is that deep down if it wasn't the fear of it I do want to do that. I want to be part of that group and I want to play cello with them. I want to be part of productions with audiences coming to see us play and I want to write and compose but I'm too damn messed up to admit or do anything about it.

I just wish I could move forward! Every day since Third Impact has been some stupid struggle and I'm sick of it. I'm fed up of being afraid of people. I'm fed up of knowing I have no reason to be. I'm sick of having those old feelings of uselessness or feeling that people are going to abandon me. It isn't fair, none of it is fair! I just... I just want to be happy, don't I deserve that?

**\---**

I can't help but shake my head sympathetically as I watch Shinji slip into his room and close the door behind him. I take this chance to go into my own room so that I can get changed into something more comfortable.

These past few years have been tough for those of us who were at the center of what happened. I know it's been especially tough on Shinji though. I can't even begin to imagine just what it is he is going through. He literally had the fate of the world in his hands at one point and for a brief few seconds it almost went. God only knows what it must feel like to be him.

Shinji has made some progress over the years though. We suffered a slight setback when Asuka left. He was heartbroken to see her go but it wasn't entirely unexpected. Yet it was a shame, I had hoped that maybe they would realize their feelings for each other and something would happen. Still maybe it was for the best, maybe the chance for them to be apart and find themselves will help them more. I just wish she hadn't cut off contact completely from us all. I'm sure she is alright but I don't know where she is now or anything.

Shinji did seem to get over it eventually though. I don't know if he still thinks of her, I imagine he does. We talk about her from time to time, wonder what she is up to and if she is alright. I'm careful to not tease him about her. I enjoy a joke but I've come to realize that there are some jokes that shouldn’t be made.

As I slip my suit jacket off I hear my phone start to ring. I let out a laugh as I pick it up and see Ritsuko's name on the caller ID, right on cue Rits.

"Hey Rits! Calling to check in on us, are you?"

I hear her let out a laugh on the other end,  _"I just wanted to make you didn't blow your big meeting today, I know it was an important one."_

She can’t see me but I pout, “You have that little faith in me huh?”

_“Actually I have complete faith in you which is why I know I can make a joke about it. So how did it go?”_

I shrug, “About as well as could be expected for a first meeting on this sort of subject. A lot of people introducing themselves and telling us why they’re important. A lot of discussion about the objectives on the meeting followed by setting estimated dates on when objectives should be confirmed by. This was followed up by discussing the arranging of further meetings between different departments to confirm more darts for meetings. A load of bureaucratic bullshit really.”

She lets out a chuckle,  _“So no word on whether or not you guys will be allowed into Tokyo-3 or what will happen to the Emergence Facilities?”_

“Nope, nothing yet. It seems we have some competition when it comes to wanting to go back into Tokyo-3. Each one has different goals. Some want to do a full sweep, take as much technology from NERV that they can and build from it. Some think that they should go in, take what they can and destroy it all. Reuse the land for housing or whatever. We’re somewhere in the middle.”

_“Well that’s surprising, I’d have thought you’d want to see the entire thing destroyed.”_

I shrug, “Initially I did but after talking with Maya and some of the others they persuaded me that some of it might be of use to us. We had some pretty advanced technology and it’d be a shame for it to go to waste if we can help people. Also in the back of my mind I keep thinking… what if… well…”

 _“They’re gone Misato, there won’t be anymore_.” He voice comes through loud and clear and is in a very stern tone,  _“The Angels, SEELE… it’s done.”_

I let out a sigh, I know she is right of course but I still feel a need to say something, “I know that but… say someone tries to carry on the things they did or… I don’t know we messed something up and an Angel like thing appears. Maybe… just maybe having some of the heavier stuff around would be useful.”

_“And how exactly would you define what is or isn’t the right sort of stuff? It’s one thing when it might benefit mankind, you’re right our medical tech was far beyond what we have now as was our energy production tech but the military stuff… the Eva’s…”_

“I know…”

_“Do you want my opinion?”_

“Always.”

_“Destroy the lot of it Misato, get rid of it all and use the land for something else. The medical tech… the energy production all relied on what we got from the FAR. Keep the Emergence Support facilities open and just let NERV and SEELE go, what happened… it can’t happen again, what they need is gone so we should just get rid of the rest.”_

“Destroy everything?” I ask in surprise, “Even the MAGI there?”

_“Especially the Tokyo-3 MAGI, if there is anything left of it.” She replies, “That’s… what I’d do anyway.”_

“I don’t know… if I could do that. The medical tech… it could help a lot of people…”

_“I know and that’s why you’re the one who’ll make the decision Misato and not me. You… always knew the right way to do things.”_

I smile faintly at hearing her words, “We’ll see what happens when it’s all documented. It could be that there is nothing of use there at all. It’s been years since anyone actually went into the ruins but… I think it’s worth looking at and I think it should be my people.”

 _“I’m sure it will be.”_  She pauses for a moment,  _“So how did things go for Shinji anyway?”_

Another sigh escapes me, “I think they went well. He seemed to enjoy the lesson but…”

_“He was scared of being recognized?”_

“Yeah…” I confirm to her.

_“That’s understandable, I think it’s something we’re all dealing with in our own way.”_

“I’m just worried about him Rits. I don’t want him to feel like he has to do this for me or for anyone else I want him to do it for himself not because I said it might be a good idea.”

 _“It’s entirely possible that Shinji doesn’t even know himself.”_  Ritsuko says,  _“He probably wants to make you happy but he also enjoys playing the instrument. Our reports on him indicated that he was a natural talent with it and his teacher even said that Shinji would spend a lot of time practicing when he was younger.”_

Hearing her say that lightens my heart somewhat, “So he does enjoy it?”

Ritsuko chuckles, “ _I don’t think you get to be the level Shinji was at without enjoying it. Just give him time and encouragement. I’m sure he’ll figure things out for himself. He said the lesson went alright though?”_

“Yeah.” I nod my head, “Well… He did mention that the instructor suggested at one point that Shinji join a group of them who all play.”

 _“And Shinji immediately said yes didn’t he?”_  Ritsuko asks with some hint of amusement in her voice.

“Of course.” I confirm to her, “He didn’t want to disappoint his instructor.”

_“Well that’s just a part of who Shinji is. Maybe it’ll be good for him in the long run though, he can always stop if it’s too much.”_

“Maybe… I just don’t want him to get hurt or feel he has to do things to please others. I want him to know he has a loving home and friends who won’t abandon him.”

_“Deep down he will know that but it’s not exactly easy to break those old habits. It’s something I think we’re all learning but I’m sure he’ll be alright.”_

“I hope so… I really do.” I stare down at the ground, “So how was your day anyway?”

_“Not too bad, I have a lot of marking to do this evening and I need to plan for next week’s lessons but nothing I can’t do. Still… if I’m being honest I do understand what Shinji is going through. I keep on thinking when I see the students and their parents that maybe one of them will recognize me… It’s not as if the Akagi name is hidden away.”_

I nod again, “I know… It’s the same for Katsuragi. I have that feeling too from time to time but it won’t happen.”

 _“No it won’t.”_  She reassures me,  _“Anyway I’d better go. Maya is due back any minute. Good luck to the both of you. We should arrange something soon.”_

“Yeah… I’d like that. Goodbye Rits.”

**\----**

I can’t suppress the smile on my face as I glance down at the forms in my hand once more and walk through the wonderful streets of Berlin. It’s been almost six months since I arrived in this country and this city I now call home.

Most of my time is spent working for Fuyutsuki. I assist him in an array of administrative tasks from filing basic progress reports for his staff, taking notes during meetings he is in, I arrange appointments for him and compose e-mails for him. It’s not overly difficult work but I enjoy it.

Since I arrived Fuyutsuki has been careful to slowly educate me on the state of this world since I was last in it. He explained to me exactly what has happened since the Third Impact and the little ways in which the world has changed. He told me what it was he now did and also informed me of the status of organizations such as NERV and the group who handled me, SEELE.

It seems that after Third Impact and people returned information was released to the public and world governments about SEELE and their role in the whole thing. Names were kept away from the public eye but it was enough that the world knew the truth about who was the true enemy. If anything I was pleased to learn that the people who were a part of NERV were alive and well.

There are certain subjects I have dared to not ask about as of yet. These particular things have been the subject of numerous nightmares I’ve experienced since returning. I dare not ask what happened to Shinji Ikari, Rei Ayanami or even the other pilot who was there in my short stay. I assume from what Fuyutsuki told me about former NERV personnel being alive and well that they are okay but I don’t dare go any deeper than that.

Maybe… Maybe one day I’ll work up the nerve to find out but not until I know I’m ready for it. I’m still trying to adjust to this life, one I didn’t think I’d ever have. I’ve been given a gift, a chance to explore so many things I never knew before.

Music had of course been my first port of call. I’ve been able to explore numerous eras and genres beyond the classical material they forced me to listen to. The playlist Kodama gave me was a huge benefit. I took notes of each artist to listen to moments and pieces I enjoyed. It seems she put a lot of work into making that playlist, managing to cover a variety of genres, eras, artists from around the world.

With my background in classical music and playing the piano I did find myself drawn towards the progressive genres of rock. I enjoy the longer tracks and slightly complex arrangements these songs offer. I also like how they made a habit of utilizing a wide array of instruments in their songs although admittedly they could be a bit obtuse lyrically although I suppose knowing the way I speak is probably another reason that the genre appeals to me.

Beyond that I have found I don’t have much of an affinity for sports. I appreciate what various athletes and sports stars are capable of, I just don’t really enjoy watching them. In fact I don’t find myself watching much television at all nor have I had the chance to see a movie in a theater yet. I would like to but I don’t know what it is I would watch.

I have also found that I quite enjoy the human act of cooking too. In my previous life I did not get an opportunity to partake of this particular pastime. As an Angel I didn’t require as much food as a regular human would and being under the care of SEELE meant any meals were carefully monitored and structured to provide what my body needed. It was usually bland and functional,

Unfortunately learning to cook came with some dangers. There had been one incident involving an errant pan and my apartment nearly burning down and another in which some undercooked meat had given me a night I don’t wish to experience ever again. Yet I suppose it is a part of the learning process, I will not be the first nor the last to under-prepare meat like that.

I turn onto another street and see a small coffee shop come into view. I decide that it would be a shame to go straight back to my apartment now and this place looks appealing so think it’d be a good idea to head inside and grab something to drink and relax. I clutch the forms I’m holding tightly in my hand and walk down the street.

The forms I’m holding are application forms to help me on my first step towards become a music teacher. Fuyutsuki had given me the idea a few weeks ago after hearing me play the piano. He had at first suggested I find overs to play with but admittedly I do not think I would mix well with a group at this time and being honest being in larger groups scares me somewhat.

Yet the more I thought about it the more I realized that one on one situations might be better suited to me and I would like, if anything, to share what I have and maybe inspire others. Fuyutsuki liked my idea and helped me find a means to getting the correct qualifications.

I look at the forms again, there are still a few things to fill out on there. My name and address are at the top but there are other questions on there. How long have I been playing? My inspirations and prior qualifications. Nothing complex but I’m very eager to fill it in and get this all started.

I continue to walk forward my eyes still focused on the paper until finally I hit something, not something but someone. I feel a sharp pain in my head as I connect with them, I hear a loud scream from them as I’m sent falling onto my backside and the form flies out of my hand.

I rub my head with my hand and hear an angry voice yell at me, “Idiot! Weren’t you watching where you were going?”

I shake my head and my vision starts to come back to me, the pain however does not subside, “I apologize… are you hurt?”

I slowly start to get to my feet and hold out a hand to help the fallen girl to her feet.

“Yeah well… just be more careful! Could have broken something!” She remarks as she gets to her feet and picks up a small laptop bag she dropped. I take a step back and for the first time I actually see the girl I walked into.

Almost immediately I feel my eyes get wide with fear. I feel that sickly feeling in the pit of my stomach as I take in all of her features. Her shoulder length red hair, her bright blue eyes, a soft but angered expression and a thin scar over her left eye. She’s older than I remember seeing her but there is no mistaking who this is.

“N-No…” I stutter, “I-Impossible…”

She looks at me in confusion, “What? Never saw a piss off redhead before?”

I shake my head, “N-No… I…I’m sorry… I have to go!”

I immediately turn around and run away from her as fast as I can. I don’t stop to look back at any point until I’m several streets away. I don’t know if she called after me or if she recognizes me, all I know is I have to get away from her. I have to get away from Asuka Langley Soryu, The Second Child.


	3. Lost Boy

**Asuka Langley Soryu**

**Berlin – Early Morning**

The nightmares came back last night. The ones in which I get found out, the ones in which the fragile social bonds I've made with people are shattered and everyone turns there back on me. The ones where I wake up crying knowing that if that did happen I'd deserve it.

I didn't sleep for the rest of the night, from four o'clock onwards I've been awake sitting in my front room. I tried doing some further editing to my book, that didn't happen so instead I put on a game instead. I spent the majority of the morning scoring goals past any and all opposition as I try to put what happened yesterday out of my mind.

Why did he run away from me like that? Did he know who I was? Does he know what I did? That shouldn't be possible though, I know logically it shouldn't be possible. I've spoken about it with Rei in the past, He... he has the same concerns but no one knows who we are. If they do they just know we were the Evangelion pilots who helped save the world.

Yet that annoying awkward fear remains. It doesn't help that I'm seeing Rei today either. It isn't her fault, I know she is my friend but I can't help but worry each time I see her that it will be the time that our friendship is revealed to be nothing but a fraud. That she comes here with the others to tell me how much they hate me. To tell me how disgusting I am and that I deserve to be alone and abandoned. To bring up all those things I did in my past and throw it in my face. I'd deserve it aswell wouldn't I?

I shake my head and force those thoughts away. That isn't going to happen, Rei is my friend now and everything is in the past. She's told me numerous times, even with some annoyance that I'm forgiven for how I acted back then.

It's all that guys fault, if he hadn't had ran away then I wouldn't be like this right now. No, that isn't true. I'd be like this anyway, he's just made it more prominent. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I look rough. I can see the bags under my eyes and I know no amount of make-up will hide them. I've tried to make an effort but I know Rei will see through it. She always does, it's who Rei is.

I finally open the door ao reveal Rei standing on the other side. She's a far cry from the dour girl I knew so many years ago. She's looking upwards, a faint smile on her face and wearing a short red skirt, complemented by a black top with a white jacket over it. In one of her hands is a bag that I recognize from one of the nearby cafes.

"Hello Asuka." She announces, "I brought lunch if that is alright?"

I laugh and step aside to let her in, "Of course, come on in!"

I watch her as she enters the apartment and I allow myself a smile as well. I feel happy to see the life that now exists within Rei. It's good to see she finally has the chance to have a life. I follow her through into the kitchen and watch as she places the bag up on one of the counters. I'm interested in seeing what it is she has bought, moments later she pulls out two boxes each one filled with luscious smelling pancakes.

My mouth starts to water at the sight of them and I step forward. Rei sees this and smiles and immediately turns herself around and pulls me into a warm but tight hug.

"I've missed you Asuka!"

I laugh and return the hug, "I've miss you too Rei, it's been quite a while hasn't it?"

She releases me from the hug, "Almost a year since we last met."

"Yeah." I say guiltily, "How was your flight?"

She shrugs slightly, "It was okay. I arrived late last night so I was able to get a good amount of sleep."

"I'm glad." I reply as I go into one of my kitchen cupboards to grab some plates for our pancakes, "These smell delicious Rei."

"They do, I was wondering what to do for lunch and saw a place selling these. I have become quite a fan of pancakes whilst being in America, I am eager to try these."

I am as well and I get out some plates and cutlery for us. The pancakes are plain but the café Rei got them from supplied her with a variety of spreads to try with them. Rei reaches for the strawberry jam for hers, I go for the classic chocolate spread for my first one.

"So how come you're here in Germany, I thought the plan was to travel America for a few more weeks?"

"it was but I realized halfway through the trip that it was coming up to a year since I last saw you, so I sought to rectify that."

I almost choke in shock, "Y-You... Rei that's too much money just to come and visit me!"

She shrugs again, "I do not think so. As I said it has almost been a year and I think the chances of you visiting me and Japan are somewhat slim."

That little pang of guilt I feel at hearing her say that is suppressed for a moment by me swallowing a bit of my pancake. I gave down at the counter, "Yeah well... You know why that is Rei."

"Yes. Although I must disagree with your stance, I am sure they would like to see you again."

"No Rei... They wouldn't like to see me." I look up at her and let out a sigh, "Look, it's... it isn't that I don't believe you it's just that... I can't see them again and that's for the best. I hurt them a lot and it's just best I stay away. They... They're better off without me in their life, I'm not a good person."

"I do not become friends with bad people Asuka."

I feel my cheeks glow red, "Yeah well... maybe I'm the exception to the rule."

"I do not believe so, I believe you are being too hard on yourself."

I shrug, "Maybe... Maybe not... I guess... they still don't know that we're friends do they?"

"I have not told them anything of our friendship and I will continue to keep this a secret for as long as you desire it. As far as they are concerned you left Japan years ago and are living comfortably and off the grid."

"T-Thank you, I'm sorry I am making you keep this a secret."

"I do not mind." She replies coolly, "That is what you wish and as your friend I will not betray that wish."

"Thank you." I nervously shift from one foot to the other, "So... how are they doing?"

"Misato has begun work with an organization known as WILLE. I believe that she wishes to start operations in Tokyo-3 to salvage what is left of NERV."

Another pang in my stomach at hearing the name of NERV spoken, I quickly supress it with another chocolate covered piece of pancake. I'm nearly done with this one, I should get another. Maybe not chocolate spread this time, I might try the jam, Rei seemed to enjoy that one.

"is there even anything left to recover?" I ask, "I mean... we didn't exactly leave it in a reusable state."

Rei nods, "NERV was much bigger than any of you... even I knew. There are parts of it that will still be there and might have something of benefit to us... or something that should be destroyed. I trust that Misato will make the right decision."

"Hah, making the right decision and Misato?" I start to joke but trail off, Rei seems amused but halfway through I realize the joke just isn't funny to me, "Yeah... She will. What about... well... you know who?"

She seems to take a moment to think, "He is doing well."

She lies to me, a strange thing about Rei is that she isn't a very good liar. She always looks off in the same direction when she does so and her hand twitches on doing so. I decide to not press her on it though. I don't have any right to be too concerned about him or know more considering who I am.

"He has signed up to take music lessons."

I look at her in confusion and shock, "Music lessons? What the hell would he need music lessons for? I... I heard him years ago, he was... he was very good."

It was just a shame that I had to go and ruin his night by being... me. I force the memory away as Rei replies to me, "It has been many years since he last played so he believes his skills to be somewhat rusty. He had his first lesson yesterday but I have not yet been in contact to find out how it went."

"He is doing alright though?" I ask once more, in a way hoping that maybe Rei will be more truthful with me.

"Yes." She replies but her tone again indicating that he isn't as good as she is letting on.

"I'm glad." I finally reply, "He... He deserves to be happy."

My hand clenches into a fist as I avert my eyes from Rei. Those little daggers of guilt appear once more as I think about him, "Especially after everything that I-"

"Asuka!" Rei cuts me off sternly. I slowly look up into those piercing red eyes of hers. They're frightening and I instantly go quiet, "You should forgive yourself for all that happened. I have told you on numerous occasisions that not only you but we were all very different people back then."

"I-" I start to protest but Rei doesn't allow me in. After Third Impact Rei did find her voice and she isn't afraid of using it.

"You are a good person Asuka and... I know that you were back then as well. You might not have always shown it but you were. If you weren't I would not have made such an effort to find you after you left Japan."

"Yeah but..."

"I know you see yourself solely as the Asuka who always yelled and shouted at others, who belittled other people and believed herself to be better than other people. The Asuka who would lash out frequently."

I feel so much better now.

"But that is not who you are now and not all you were back then. I can look back and see the Asuka who was brave in front of monsters that threatened this world. The Asuka who tried to encourage her teammates to do better. The Asuka who risked her life to protect her friends. A frightened Asuka who wanted to reach out to others. I saw an Asuka who was unselfish, who made an effort to include someone like me when she had no reason to. That Asuka who took us to the ramen cart that night."

I'd cry on hearing her words if that wouldn't be unbelievably pathetic of me and if I hadn't already used up my weekly supply of tears after my nightmare. So instead I blink rapidly and force the stinging feeling behind my eyes to go away. She mentioned that damn ramen cart again, she has a thing for that.

I laugh, "Well... Misato couldn't really afford a steak dinner and... you're vegetarian so what else was I supposed to do."

"You were not supposed to do anything. It was not your responsibility, Misato should not have made the promise if she were not able to keep it. Yet you did do something and I am grateful for it."

"Alright!" I try to put an end to this, "You've made your point... I guess I wasn't completely awful. Maybe only 95% awful."

She glares at me, "It is an improvement I suppose."

I watch as she leans over to grab another pancake. She seems to stop mid motion as her eyes are drawn to something on the counter. Rei does something of a double take as she looks intently at the piece of paper I had left lying there. Her mouth opens slightly as if she is shocked and I take a step forward.

“Rei… Is everything alright? You’ve been looking at that piece of paper for nearly a minute now.”

She looks up at me and her expression as changed, it’s hardened and for a brief moment I wonder if this is it. Is this finally the moment she is going to call me out for all the bad I’ve done just as I deserve. Naturally she doesn’t do that, she instead picks up the piece of paper and holds it in front of me.

“This document, where did you get it?”

I look at the document she is holding and my heart starts to beat faster in my chest. It's the one that guy dropped yesterday. I can see his name written at the top followed by an address. I don't know why I picked it up, after what happened I probably should have left it there but it looked important. I was going to post it.

I lean casually on the counter trying to not show any trace of being bothered by Rei holding it up to me or by my memories of yesterday.

"Oh that?" I shrug, "I... found it yesterday... some guy was coming into the café I was working in and he didn't look to see where he was going. Idiot bumped right into me and sent us both spilling to the ground. He left and dropped it."

Rei is eying me oddly, does she know what happened? Rei has a weird sense of just knowing things from time to time. She looks at the name on the form as if confirming what it says, "You... met this guy? Did anything else happen?"

I swallow and nod, "Well he... looked at me and he got frightened... he ran away from me. He didn't stop to pick it up he just ran. I... He knew who I was... He knew me Rei, he was frightened of me and he..."

In a blur of motion Rei sets the form down on the table and moved into wrap me in another of her warm hugs. I don't even try to resist and I put my arms around her and rest my head on her should. I can feel myself on the verge of tears again, "He knew who I was... I've been found out Rei... I've been..."

Rei shakes her head, "No... No, you haven't Asuka. You don't recognize the name on that form do you?"

Still in her embrace I shake my head, "No... Why would I?"

“Asuka that person you met… Kaworu Nagisa, he was the Fifth Child and… he was the final Angel.” She informs me darkly and I feel my stomach drop, “I… I need to make a phone call.”

Rei breaks the hug and starts to walk towards her handbag. I reach out and grab her wrist before she can make any motion. I can't let her make a phone call just yet. I need to know more, what does she mean he was the Fifth Child? What does she mean he was the final Angel?

That person who recognized me yesterday was an Eva pilot? That person knew me because of that? I certainly didn't know him so how is that possible. I need to know more information and... I know it’s selfish of me considering what she said but I can't let anyone know I'm here.

“Wait!” I tell her, “No phonecalls, not yet.”

She looks at me, “Asuka, this is serious. He was…”

I nod my head, “I know and I believe you Rei it’s just… I need to know more first. What do you mean he was both the Fifth Child and the final Angel?”

I keep my hand in place and continue to look at Rei. She stares back at me before finally relaxing her pose and putting her handbag on the counter. She walks out of the kitchen into the front room where we both sit opposite one another on the seating. She sighs before looking at me, “I apologize, I… forgot that your memory of that time period is not complete.”

I shake my head, “It’s fine, it’s not like I ever asked for those blanks to be filled in before. Not really a period of time I want to remember. Start from the beginning, who is Kaworu Nagisa?”

Rei pauses and seems to be deep in thought for a few moments. I can imagine she is finding it tough to come up with the right words to say to me, so I decide to make it easier for her, “The Fifth Child… Shinji was the Third, Touji was the Fourth but he was injured during the activation test so the Fifth Child would have been my replacement right?”

Rei nods, “Yes… He turned up around the time you…”

Again I step in to make things easier, “After I ran away and tried to… kill myself?”

She nods again and edges closer to me holding out her hand. I place mine on top of hers and tighten around it, “It’s alright Rei… I know… what I tried to do. We don’t need to avoid the subject.”

“You are correct, Kaworu was your replacement and arrived shortly after you were found and hospitalized. He immediately befriended Shinji. Shinji was in a very bad place at that time. He had discovered the truth of what I was and had just witnessed me die and become a different person. His friends had left Tokyo-3, you were hurt, Misato wasn’t around…It was very easy for someone like Kaworu to manipulate him.”

There was genuine venom in Rei’s words as she spoke of the boy. It’s a little bit unnerving if I’m being honest, I’ve heard the girl get angry and frustrated before but never anything like this.

“Manipulate him? How so?”

“He became friends with Shinji. He told Shinji things that he wanted to hear and Shinji fell for it and I believe for him.”

“Fell for him?” I ask in some shock, “You mean…”

I trail off unsure of how to phrase my question. I would not be entirely surprised if he was not in fact heterosexual but the truth was in the time I knew him I never known him to show a romantic interest in anyone, except of course… for those brief fleeting moments when we kissed and when we encountered each other in Third Impact.

Rei nods again, “I do not doubt that there was some romantic attachment on the part of Shinji. Whether it is because of Kaworu appearing at the right time or not I do not know. My brother has never shown any romantic or sexual interest in anyone. I wanted to say or do something at the time but things were very muddle for me in my third body… Also given what Shinji has just discovered about me I did not feel he would trust me.”

“So what happened?”

“Barely a couple of days after he arrived Kaworu snuck into NERV and hijacked Unit 02. His Angel form allowed him to manipulate the Eva and he used it to descend towards Central Dogma.”

Anger flares up inside of me at hearing Rei say this, not so much at the betrayal but at the fact that he used my Unit 02 to do it. How dare he do such a thing, how dare he takes what was mine!

“On reaching Central Dogma he found out that he was standing in front of Lilith and now Adam like he thought. He realized that much like he had used Shinji, SEELE had used him and meant for him to fulfil his role in their plan and die. It was Shinji who dealt the final blow. It… broke Shinji. Kaworu wasn’t human but he looked, sounded and smelled human. He was much more human than I was, Shinji not only had to deal with the loss and betrayal of a friend but with killing what was a living person.”

I lower my eyes, I know what happened after this. I know the events afterwards, “I see, no wonder he…”

I can remember those moments before Third Impact quite clearly. Being in my Eva and fighting, waiting, hoping that he would show up to save the day. I had never wanted it to happen so badly but it wasn’t to be. I died on that day except… I didn’t really die. Instead I was pulled into Instrumentality and forced to relive moments and try to untangle the mess of my fucked up life.

I feel Rei’s warm hand tighten around mine, “I apologize for making you relive your memories of those moments. I know they are painful, they are for me too. If you wish I will go.”

I look up at her and shake my head, “No please… stay. I’m glad you’re here it’s just… a lot to take in. I just… I didn’t know about any of this. No one told me and I never bothered to ask. It just… puts a lot of things in perspective now.”

As I speak I hear my voice start to tremble slightly. I blink away the tears again, in some way my heart feels somewhat lighter at hearing the strange tale of Kaworu Nagisa. He did recognize me and he must have been frightened of me but not for the reasons I thought, it was because he must have thought I knew what he did and I'd hurt him.

I look up at Rei's frowning face and feel that if I were to hurt Kaworu I'd have to get into a queue behind Rei. The only thing is I have no wish to hurt him, I don't want to be that angry person, I don't want to hurt people anymore even if they do deserve it in some way.

I don't really understand why Kaworu would have ran from me though. If he is an Angel then why would he be afraid fo a human like me.

"He must have… known who I was yesterday then. That’s why he ran like that but… if why would he run?” I ask Rei to see if maybe she knows.

“I do not know.” Rei replies to me, “I do not know why he is alive right now but I wish to find out. I also want to make sure no harm comes to you or anyone. He will not hurt one of my friends again.”

I muster up a grin, “I can take care of myself Rei. I’ll… let you make your phone call, just… don’t… mention… if you can.”

“Do not worry, I will be sure to not mention your involvement in this.”

“Thank you.”

\---

**Misato Katsuragi**

**Tokyo-2 – Early Evening**

I leave the small meeting room and head straight down the corridor towards my temporary office. The meeting was admittedly not quite as productive as I'd have hoped. A lot of the focus was on them questioning me and my actions during the war against the Angels.

I know why they did it, they want to find out who I am, who I was and whether I'm worthy enough to accomplish what I need to do. They want to see if I'm capable and strong enough and want to see if my personal feelings aren't getting in the way. They want to make me look stupid so they can all get their people in there and freeze us out.

I can't say I didn't expect any of it though, it was something that I discussed in length with Maya and the others before we decided to go into this. So, I did my best to remain calm and focused. I answered any and all questions as professionally as I could. I deflected when I was able to and tried to keep everything on track to what to do with Tokyo-3.

In a way I am still questioning why I'm doing this. Maybe my personal feelings are getting in the way somehow but Fuyutsuki persuaded me I was the best person for it and I'd make the right decisions. He wants me to do this and I believed him.

It isn't as if no progress was made during the meeting though. We now have a date for the next meeting and we know that each interested party will be presenting their team to do an exploratory sweep of the abandoned zone. I've already selected Maya and Makoto as my team. If there are any people best suited for it it'd be those two. Ritsuko would have course been an ideal candidate too but nothing will persuade her to join us. She seems happy teaching at a local school now and I can't blame her.

As I enter the office I feel my phone vibrating in my bad. I quickly pull it out and glance at the caller ID. It's Rei, that's unusual, I thought that she was enjoying herself in America at this moment. Why would she be calling me now?

Hoping everything is alright I answer, "Hello, Rei? Is everything alright?"

There is a small pause and I hear the sound of a door closing, "Hello Misato, everything is fine."

I relax my shoulders and breathe out a sigh of relief, "Oh good! How is America?"

There is another brief pause, "I am not currently in America. I am actually in Germany right now, Berlin to be precise."

"Berlin?" I exclaim, what the hell is Rei doing in Berlin?

"What are you doing in Berlin?" I ask her, I already have a suspicion, one I've had for quite some time but I've never spoken or asked about it. It's a bit of an unwritten rule in our home that we don't speak of certain things. I wonder if... Well I doubt Rei will say one way or the other.

"America bored me." She replied, "So I decided to come to Europe instead. It was something of an impulsive decision I made yesterday."

"Oh." I shrug casually, "As long as you're alright."

"I am doing fine but... there is a reason I am calling you. Since arriving I have... seen something..."

I feel a little pang of nervousness in my stomach as she says that. My mind immediately begins to wander to dark places, I can't help it. I worry about her, I know she is sensible, probably the most sensible out of all of us and she is incredibly mature too considering she has only really started to explore her own humanity over the last few years but she is not invincible.

Added with the fact that she is currently in Germany I begin to run over other worst-case scenarios. That thing which we don't speak of, is it something to do with that? Has Rei seen her? Is...

My own thoughts are cut off by Rei speaking, "Kaworu Nagisa is alive."

My jaw drops, that was certainly not what I was expecting to hear. In a million years I would not have ran that scenario through my head. I find myself unable to say anything in response to her. In a way I'm relieved that it was not one of the things I had thought of, in another I'm terrified knowing what this could represent.

"Misato are you there?"

Rei's voice brings me back down to Earth, I have to make sure she did in fact say what I thought she did.

"Rei... Can you repeat that please?"

"Yes. Kaworu Nagisa is alive."

Kaworu Nagisa... A name I haven't heard of in a long time. If that other subject is not spoken about in our home then the subject of Kaworu is even more complicated. My mind immediately wanders to Shinji and how he would react to this news. I know exactly how Shinji feels about Kaworu. I know Shinji still harbours feelings of guilt towards what he did, towards what he had to do. I can understand it though, killing someone is not a pleasant thing... even if they are your enemy.

"Okay Rei..." I try to focus myself and make an attempt to switch to Major Katsuragi mode, "Tell me more, when did you see him? How did you see him? Are you certain it was him?"

So Rei tells me, keeping her words short and to the point, "I saw him yesterday, he was entering a small café in the city but I do not recall the name. I am certain it was him, there is no mistaking that."

"Right." I nod my head, "And did he see you at all?"

"No."

"Good." I nod again, "Look Rei, I know you're on holiday but I'm going to ask you to cut it short. I want you to come back to Japan as soon as you can, I'm going to find out more about this."

"Understood."

"Goodbye Rei, see you soon."

"See you soon Misato."

Rei hangs up the phone and I stand there in disbelief for at least a minute. Kaworu Nagisa is back on this Earth and has somehow found himself in Berlin. That one thing I have been afraid of for so long has happened. If Nagisa is back then what else does that mean? Does it mean more Angels can return? Does it mean SEELE are back?

I try to focus my thoughts, there is no point jumping to conclusions just yet. What I need to do is gather information first if I rush into doing something then people are going to get hurt, most of all that kid who is sitting back in my apartment right now. I need to protect him most of all.

So, what do I do now? There are a few people I can contact but I suppose my first port of call will be the person I always turn to for advice. I'll start with her, she might know something before I go further down the rabbit hole.

It doesn't take long before answers the phone. She sounds happy and I immediately feel bad for what I'm about to say, "Hello MIsato, just finished your meeting I'm guessing."

I don't greet her, "Ritsuko, Kaworu Nagisa is back."

There is silence and I imagine her in very much a similar state to what I was when Rei told me. Her voice comes back moments later, "Can you repeat that?"

"Kaworu Nagisa is back."

She isn't silent this time, "Are you sure? How do you know?"

"Rei just phoned to tell me, she is currently in Berlin and she saw him."

"When?"

"Some point yesterday, he was entering a café there. He didn't see her though fortunately."

"You're sure she didn't just make a mistake."

"Ritsuko, this is Rei we're talking about here, if she says she saw him then we can be sure of it. Besides... how many people do you think there are who look like Kaworu Nagisa?"

"True..." Ritsuko pauses for a moment, "I don't understand though, how can he be back? He was..."

"An Angel?" I finish Ritsuko's sentence for her, "I don't know Rits, I was hoping you might know something."

"I'm afraid I can't really help you, I know nothing about him either. His name came up on reports back then but that was literally just it, a name and a date of birth. I didn't have access to any further information on him, you know how NERV was and by the time he arrived I wasn't exactly in good standing with others...."

I bow my head at hearing her say that, in my panic to try to learn more I had forgotten just what had happened to Ritsuko at that point in time. With the way she carries herself now it's easy to forget that she was deep into her own personal hell back then too."

"I know... Sorry."

"It's fine, out of all the people back then I am the one most likely to know something. The best I can offer is that Kaworu seemed to be similar to Rei, a hybrid of Angel and human, he was also a part of SEELE's dummy plug system."

"So like Rei... he would have had spares..."

"Exactly. Although anything like that would have been kept in SEELEs main strongholds which were raided years ago. I don't remember them finding anything like that."

"Well if they did they could have kept it secret, Rei and Kaworu... were miracles of science really. I imagine a lot of people would want to keep hold of that sort of thing." My mind then leaps immediately to the worst case, "You don't think that... SEELE might still be..."

"We shouldn't jump to conclusions yet." Ritsuko says to me, "I'm just offering one possibility, there are others. He could have... returned just like Rei did."

I know she is right, I shouldn't leap to the worst-case scenario but I want to prepare myself just in case. There is a brief pause before she speaks again, "Are you going to tell Shinji?"

"No... Not yet, he's... having a tough time at the moment with the music lessons thing and I don't want to add to that. Until I learn more I think I'll keep this quiet."

"A wise decision." She pauses again, "Speak to Fuyutsuki, I know you don't like dealing with him and... well I'm not a fan either but he does seem to be genuinely trying to help. If anyone is likely to know something it'll be him."

I sigh, "I know... Fuyutsuki it is then. Bye Rits."

"Goodbye Misato and... good luck."

**Kaworu Nagisa**

**Berlin – Mid Afternoon**

I shift myself around on my seat trying to get comfortable and reach across the desk for my cup of coffee. My fingertips grace the top of the plastic cup and I gently grip and lift it. I raise it slightly from the desk when a sudden knock at the door causes me to jump in fright. I let out a noise and drop the cup, it falls to the desk, some of the contents spilling onto my hand and the rest down the desk onto the floor below.

I look up and see Fuyutsuki enter the office, he looks around briefly taking in the sight of the mess I’ve made and then the sight of me clutching my hand in pain, “Nagisa! Are you alright?”

I nod my head angrily, annoyed at myself for letting this happen and ending with me looking like an idiot in front of Fuyutsuki. Ever since last night I’ve been a bag of nerves. I barely got any sleep last night and I’ve been unable to focus on anything so far today. I keep on shaking and every noise is getting to me. Coming into work was a struggle, I keep on expecting to see her wherever I go, I keep on expecting to see the others and expecting them to give me what I deserve.

Fuyutsuki takes a look at my hand and shakes his head, “Wait here I’ll go and get you a cloth. I don’t think you’ve burnt anything.”

I nod again as Fuyutsuki leaves the office and slips into the kitchen down the corridor. In the meantime I sit myself down on my seat and let out a sigh as I watch the spilled coffee drip off of the desk onto the floor. I suppose I should think myself lucky that it didn’t hit anything on my desk.

As I sit and wait for Fuyutsuki to return my mind once again replays the scene from yesterday. My unfortunate encounter with the former Second Child, Asuka Langley Soryu. I find myself asking a number of questions about it, what was she doing here? Is anyone else here with her? Did she even recognize me?

I try to think about what I know about her. I know she is originally from Germany but from what I understood she had made Japan her home as a pilot. I only had access to minimal files on her but my understanding was that her family situation was complicated and she had expressed a desire to her guardian to remain in Japan.

I lean back and wonder about my other questions. She seemed to be alone at the time but that doesn’t mean anything. She could have been meeting someone in the café or going to meet someone after being in there. As for whether or not she recognized me, she was incapacitated when I went into NERV but I’m sure in all the years that have passed for her someone would have told her about me.

She didn’t seem to recognize me but in the confusion of it all I don’t think she had the chance to properly take a look. Still I know myself I’m not exactly normal looking so there is a chance she’ll have recognized me.

Fuyutsuki finally reenters the room with a cloth and a handful of paper towels. I take them from him and start to clean up the mess I’ve made. As I do so I can feel his eyes on me and I wonder if he is angry at me for what happened. I look up and see the same sympathetic eyes I’ve seen from him since I first met him.

“Nagisa, Is everything okay with you today? You have seemed somewhat distracted all day and it is most unlike you, did something happen at the interview yesterday?”

I avert my gaze from him and I actually consider lying to him and telling him I’m fine. It seems embarrassing to admit the truth but I know that if I don’t things might get worse. So I swallow what little I have of my pride and shake my head, “I… The interview went fine yesterday, they are eager for me to start.”

“I see, so what is the issue?”

“On the way back from the interview I was going to go into a small café to relax and… there was an incident. I… encountered someone…”

His expression turns from sympathetic to deathly serious and he steps forward, “Was this someone you know?”

“Yes… Well no… sort of…” I fumble my words, “I don’t know them exactly but I know of them and I fear that I am known to then. I saw… the Second Child… I saw Asuka Langley Soryu.”

“Ah!” Fuyutsuki takes a step back from me and shakes his head, “I see… I was afraid that something like this might happen eventually.”

“Y-You were afraid of something like this happening?” I ask him and find it hard to hide my surprise, I don’t know if I should be angry or not at hearing this, “Did you know Asuka was here in Berlin?”

“He gives a small nod and goes to sit down at his desk, “I am afraid I did know but I did not anticipate any issues. Belin is a vast city and the odds of you two meeting were slim.”

I finish cleaning my desk and the area around it and deposit the kitchen towel into the small bin before sitting back down at my desk. My hand is still stinging from where the coffee hit it and I try to process what Fuyutsuki has told me.

“I must apologize to you Nagisa, perhaps I should have told you before that there was a risk of you encountering her but from what is known of her we didn’t think it’d be a factor. Can I ask… did anything happen when you saw her?”

“No…” I say to him, “I accidentally bumped into her when she was coming out of the café, she yelled at me and I tried to help her up to her feet. When I realized who she was I… I turned and ran away. I don’t think she recognized me.”

“Perhaps she didn’t… A lot of time has passed and I don’t think Asuka has ever been properly informed of that period of time. Asuka…” Fuyutsuki bows his head, “Asuka decided shortly after Third Impact to return to Germany and cut off all contact with her former friends and colleagues. We do of course monitor her for her own safety but she wishes nothing to do with us.”

Fuyutsuki stops there and I wonder if there is anything more to the story than he is telling me. I wonder why Asuka chose to leave Japan behind and why she decided to cut off contact from others. I know little else about her, my focus when I went to Tokyo-3 was on Shinji as he was the only other active pilot. I decide now is not the best time to inquire about such things.

Fuyutsuki addresses me again, “Again I apologize that I did not tell you that there was a risk of this. If you wish you can take the rest of the day off and we can look into rehoming you elsewhere to prevent such things.”

I shake my head, “N-No… I would… This place is my home now and I am grateful to be here and to be able to work here. I want to continue living here. I have very little here but what I do have I like and I don’t want to lose it, I would rather stay.”

“Very well.” He replies, “If you have any issues please let me know. I don’t want to see you hurt.”

**Asuka Langley Soryu**

**Berlin – Early evening**

Why am I doing this? It's a question that I've been asking myself constantly since I left my apartment just under thirty minutes ago. I round a street corner and pull the envelope out of my pocket and pop the small form out. I glance at the address and compare it with the apartment block I'm now stood in front of. This is definitely the right place.

My hand hovers over the buzzer and I once again ask myself just why I'm doing this. I don't have any answer except that I'm curious. I'm curious as to why Kaworu Nagisa fled from me yesterday, I'm curious as to who he is and how he came back, I'm curious as to why he is in Berlin right now. I continue to stand in front of the buzzer as a certain saying about cats and curiosity runs through my head.

I dread to think what Rei would think or say if she knew I was doing this. My finger finally presses the buzzer and I wait, there is no sound from the device and I press it again. There is still no sound and I look down at the door and see the lock is broken. I shake my head and gently push the door open and step inside the lobby.

It would have been so easy for me to just post this to him but for some reason I was compelled to deliver it to him myself. After a bit of walking I finally reach his door, it's an unassuming brown wooden door just like the many others in the hallway. I knock twice and wait, listening out for sounds of movement. I take one cautious step back from the door and prepare for the worst.

Yesterday is replaying in my head, how I collided with him and we were both sent spilling to the ground. How he got up and ran from me and how I lost a night's sleep because of it. I think about all those things Rei told me about him in her attempt to fill in some of the blanks. This guy was the last Angel, strange I didn't think they could take human form.

I wonder if I should be scared of him, judging by his reaction yesterday probably not but then what should I feel about him? Should I be angry at him? For doing what he did to… for what he did to a certain other person? For nearly destroying this world. In that way he is no different from me but at least I suppose I was at least honest about what a horrible person I was.

After a time, I hear the sounds of a lock opening and the door opens slowly to reveal Kaworu Nagisa to me. I'm only able to catch a glimpse of him, it looks like he is still in his work clothes, he’s wearing a pair of smart grey trousers, a plain white shirt and orange tie. That is all I'm able to see of him before he locks eyes with me, he jumps backwards and immediately tries to slam the door in my face.

As if expecting him to do that I place my foot in between the door and doorframe and I yelp out in pain as the door collides with my foot.

"Wait!" I manage to choke out through the pain, "I'm not... I'm not here to hurt you, you idiot!"

I realize angrily calling him an idiot might not be too persuasive as he continues to try to shut the door on me. He's strong and I consider withdrawing my foot, letting him shut the door and walking away. Unfortunately for my foot an older part of me has taken over and I'm not willing to let him win.

I lean myself up against the door and look around the corridor hoping that no one else here can hear this exchange or comes out right now. The last thing I need is for someone to see me doing this. I push against the door, "Listen to me! I'm not... I'm here to deliver that damn letter you dropped yesterday!"

My words seem to have had some effect on him as I feel the force stop from his end, something my poor right foot is very grateful for. I stay exactly where I am not pushing on the door anymore but keeping it propped open. I'm sure I can hear him take a step away from me before I hear a weak voice, "Could... Could you please post it and leave?"

This is really the Fifth Child and final Angel? The one who nearly doomed all of mankind? This is the person who made Rei so angry just by seeing his name? I consider his request, maybe I should just leave him alone but again I feel that compulsion to find out more. I want to know why he is so terrified.

I push the door slightly and I see him stood on the far side of the corridor his eyes wide with fear. He backs himself up into the corner like some sort of frightened puppy. I hesitate to move any closer and feel my own heart rate increase. I'm really having this effect on him, I'm really scaring him this much because of this aren't I? I should leave, I should never have come here at all.

I stand there awkwardly in the doorway before repeating, "I'm not here to hurt you."

He looks at me with a look of disbelief and I take a step back. His eyes... they're the same eyes I had seen from another certain person in the past. That fear of the monster I am, does Kaworu know about me then? Does he know what I was? Is that why he is so scared of me?

I weakly smile and hold out the envelope, "Here... Take it, I'll... I'll go. I'm sorry, I didn't realize I scared you that much."

Kaworu looks at me again before taking a tentative step forward. He slowly reaches out and takes the envelope from me before looking at the form within. I see his eyes light up for a moment and he half smiles at me.

"T-Thank you." He says as he takes a step back, "I... I appreciate you bringing this."

I shrug, "Yeah well... it was no big deal. Look I'll just go, I just thought... Never mind... You should probably look at getting that front door fixed too."

I turn around to leave and hear him speak, "It is... a big deal to me... I am really grateful."

I freeze up, some communication finally, "Good."

I don't leave my spot in the door yet and wonder If he is about to say anything else. After thirty seconds of awkwardness he does, "I... I should apologize about yesterday... I hope... I did not hurt you..."

I finally turn around to face him, "It's fine... I just... Why did you run away from me?"

He averts his eyes from me, I’m sure I see some redness of embarrassment come to his pale cheeks, “I… I thought you were going to hurt me… That you knew who I was… but you know that now don’t you?”

I nod my head, “I didn’t yesterday but I’ve had a few of the blanks filled in for me now.”

He glances at me before backing himself up against the wall, “Then you know what I was and what it was I did?”

I nod again, “Yes I do…”

“How much do you know?”

“Enough. I know that you were sent to NERV to replace me and I know you ended up being an Angel.” I tell him realizing there is no point beating around the bush, “I know that you befriended… “

I trail off for some reason finding myself unable to say his name. Kaworu is looking at me with a wounded expression, “I know that you hurt him too.”

He recoils at my words and shakes his head, “No it was not… I had no choice… I…”

He looks directly at me now, “It was too much… SEELE and the compulsions I felt I… I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to hurt anyone but…”

“But you did.”

“Yes… I did…” He admits, “And I regret it, I’ve regretted it every day since I returned… I should not be here… I should…”

“Stop it.” I order him not wishing to hear him say these things. It’s not that I don’t have sympathy for him but because those are the same words I’ve used countless times in the past about myself. I hate hearing them in my own head, never mind from someone else.

I try to move the subject on, “So what are you now?”

“I’m as human as you or anyone else is.” He answers me immediately. It was just as I suspected and the fear he is feeling starts to make sense. He’s not only going to be afraid of me but everyone else. He doesn’t have whatever powers he could rely on as an Angel to protect him and his human side has taken over.

An awkward silence falls upon us as I step further into the hallway, his front door closes extinguishing an amount of the light that was coming in. In the darkness I can still make him out and I can see his red eyes looking towards me reflecting the little light that is coming in from one of the other rooms. Finally he speaks, “W-Would you like to come inside?”

His question takes me by surprise and I find myself nodding and following him into his front room. His front room is immaculate, not surprising considering the total lack of anything in it. He has a simple black couch placed in one part of the room with a television opposite. A small coffee table sits in between the two.

On one of the far walls is a small piano with a bookcase next to it filled up with what I presume to be music books. Next to that is a table with a music player on it. There is nothing else in the room, no plants, pictures or ornaments. The walls are a plain and dull white making it look as if he has just moved in here.

“How long have you been here?” I ask him.

“Almost six months…” He replies, “I… returned in January and spent a month in the facility there.”

Six months here and this is all he has, even Rei didn’t take that long to start amassing things. I wonder how Kaworu lives and what he does. He can’t just sit and play piano all the time, he can’t just listen to music all the time. Does he not have anything else?

“So you came to Berlin after being in the facility, do you know people here?”

He shakes his head, “I… not really. It was Fuyutsuki… he offered me an opportunity here. I work for him, he’s helped me a great deal.”

I don’t know if I should be surprised at that. Fuyutsuki has, since we all returned been making an attempt to make up for what he was a part of. In the early days he visited each of us and ensured we got fair treatment and suitable payouts and support for what we all went through. I can imagine that he is also behind ensuring those people still watch over me, despite me saying I wanted nothing to do with any of them.

“Fuyutsuki huh? So he is still trying to help people is he… even if they used to be an Angel…”

I feel bad almost immediately after saying it, even more so when I see him flinch, “He has… been very helpful and kind to me.”

“Good. I’m glad.” I state flatly before taking another look around this barren and somewhat alien room. It unnerves me, it’s so sterile and basic. It doesn’t feel lived in at all.

“Thank you once again… for bringing the form I mean. It is… It is really important to me.”

I shrug, “Don’t mention it, so what exactly is it anyway that’s so important?”

“I am applying to become a music tutor.” He wanders over to his piano and smiles, “As you have probably noticed I don’t have much here. I… don’t really know how to live yet, most of my life was spent in isolation with minimal contact with other people. Music is… one thing I have always had though and playing the piano is one thing I am able to do and I would like to share my gift with others.”

At least he knows what he wants, that is something. I walk over to his piano and take a look at it with him. It’s a nice looking instrument but the thing that really catches my eye is the piece that he has displayed on the stand. I have to do a double take, “You’re learning Firth of Fifth?”

He smiles at me, “You know the song?”

I grin, “Of course I know it! It was one of my…”

I trail off partway through my sentence and shake my head. I don’t really want to explain to this guy I barely know just why that sort of music resonates with me. I used to tell people it’s because it was music for smarter people, that the musical complexity was made for people like me and the lyrical depth was something you wouldn’t get in their simpler forms of music.

It was of course all bullshit. The real reason I know and like this song and this sort of music is because my mother liked it. One of the few things I have left of her is her record collection. I would listen to the songs repeatedly, absorbed in the stories they tell and the musical journeys they took me on. It was one of the few things that allowed me to get close to my mother. He looks at me expecting me to finish my sentence, instead I smirk at him, “Play it.”

“Play… Firth of Fifth?”

“Yes! Play it! I want to hear you!”

“O-Oh but I…”

“Oh come on.” I challenge him, “You want to be a tutor right? You have to get used to having an audience.”

“Okay… I shall try…”

I step away from the piano and he takes his seat and looks over the sheet a couple of times. I watch as he stretches his hands out and I watch as his hands hover over the piano keys for a moment. I wonder if he is really going to do it, he seems hesitant but then he nods his head four times and his slender pale fingers come down on the keys launching into the wondrous introduction of the song.

I remain still, my mouth slightly open in awe as he plays the entire introduction to the song flawlessly. I look and see his face deep in concentration as his hands glide across the piano. It’s such a far cry from that frightened puppy of a boy I had witnessed only moments ago. A minute and some later he brings it to an end and I give him some light applause, “Very good.”

“Y-You think so?” He looks embarrassed by the praise.

“Of course! So you like this sort of music?”

He nods enthusiastically, “Very much so, I just find it a shame that many of these artists are no longer active. I have exhausted a lot of their discographies.”

I laugh, “Well a lot of those bands were quite turbulent or they changes drastically.”

“Yes, this one was no exception, two of their members leaving only a few years apart and their sound changing. Tell me, which era do you prefer?”

I shrug, “I like both, sometimes I found the earlier stuff a bit too wordy but sometimes the later stuff could be a bit too poppy or droning. There is a lot to like from both sides though.”

“I see, I admit I find myself preferring the older material but later tracks such as Domino, Home by the Sea and Fading Lights are wonderful.”

“They are.” I reply and then I’m hit by a strange idea.

“Say… Kaworu there is… a band playing nearby tonight… a tribute act funnily enough and they cover only the earlier material. I have two tickets for it and I was going to go with a friend but she unfortunately had to leave to go home earlier today.”

He looks at me, “Oh… That is unfortunate.”

I can’t help but think that for Kaworu it’s actually quite fortunate considering just what it is Rei wants to do to him. I probably shouldn’t mention Rei right now, a part of me thinks I shouldn’t even be doing this but something inside me feels bad for the guy. He’s been here six months and it’s obvious he hasn’t experienced… anything. Going to a concert will be good for him and he’ll have me to protect him from anything.

“So would you like the spare ticket?”

“I-I do not know… I… there will be many people there… I…”

“You have nothing to worry about, no one knows who you are and besides you’re going to be with me. I’ll make sure no harm comes to you.”

He smiles, “In which case… I would like that… thank you.”

 


	4. Mr Blue Sky?

**Rei Ayanami**

**Tokyo-2 – Morning**

I step through into the arrivals lounge, my backpack feels heavy on my shoulders and I’m wheeling my pale blue case behind me as I look around for Misato. A group of people move past me, rushing towards their loved ones or just taxi drivers waiting to pick them up as I try to spot her purple hair through the semi busy terminal. I move forward and before long I can hear her excitedly yelling my name.

“Rei!”

I glance upwards and smile as I finally catch sight of my adoptive mother. She quickly moved towards me and nearly knocks me off my feet as she pulls me into a tight embrace, “How was your flight?”

“It was pleasant, although I do not think you should have gone to all the effort to arranging all of that for me. I would have been happy to have done it myself.”

She breaks the hug and shakes her head, “It wouldn’t have been fair to expect you to do it yourself considering I was the one who asked you to come back so suddenly. Besides it wasn’t me who arranged your upgrades.”

I raise an eyebrow out of curiosity, “Who was it?”

“Fuyutsuki, after I informed him of what had happened and said you were on your way back he pulled some strings.”

“I see, in which case I shall have to think him if I encounter him.” I frown in my reply, my business class experience somewhat soured by the knowledge of who arranged it. If I had known it was he who arranged that I would have asked to remain in economy class.

I am not by any means ungrateful for the experience. I am thankful, I found the seating to be far more comfortable than economy and the ability to turn them into an actual bed meant I was able to sleep on the flight. In addition the vegetarian options offered to me on the menu were many.

Still, it also means Fuyutsuki did me a favour and he is someone I do not wish to speak to. It is something I share with Asuka, we both desire distance from that person but for differing reasons. She because she wishes to cut off all contact with that part of her life, me because of what that man reminds me of and what I used to be.

I am of a similar opinion when it comes to Ritsuko Akagi too, something which I know upsets Misato and even Shinji. I know the two of them wish to move on and I will make the effort when necessary. I do not dislike Fuyutsuki or Akagi, I just wish to maintain distance from them.

We finally reach Misato’s car and she takes my case and backpack from me and places it in the boot. She eyes my backpack curiously and I can already guess at what she is thinking. I simply shake my head at her, “Yes I did buy you both souvenirs and you can find out what they are later.”

She nods and grins at me, “Well that’s something to look forward to!”

I climb into the car and put my seatbelt on, she climbs into her side and a few moments later we’re leaving the carpark and moving back towards the city and to our apartment. The first part of our journey is silent and so I take the opportunity to speak to Misato about what has happened.

“I presume it was you who contacted Fuyutsuki to ask about Nagisa?”

Misato nods her head, “Yeah, he already knew about Nagisa.”

“How?” I lean my elbow on the edge of the window and prop my head up on my hand looking outside at the buildings we pass. So Fuyutsuki already knew about Nagisa but failed to inform any of us.

“Seems Nagisa returned at the start of the year. They picked him up at the emergence facility and treated him initially for emergence sickness. Apparently he was… in quite a state when he recovered his memories.”

I scowl at hearing Misato’s words and I can’t tell if she is feeling some sort of sympathy for what Kaworu has went through. I’m not sure I feel sympathetic at all, in the back of my mind all I can hear is a voice saying ‘good.’ I try to keep that voice suppressed though, I dislike having such thoughts.

“It seems…” Misato pauses, “That Nagisa is no longer an Angel. They ran tests whilst he was there and he is completely human now.”

“I see…” My frown deepens and I wonder if this fact should make me feel any better about the fact that he is out there walking around freely. Regardless of whether he is human now or not it was what he was and what he did that concerns me. He was an Angel, he tried to destroy this world and he broke my brother’s heart. He manipulated him when he was at his lowest point and tore his world apart.

The fact that he is just walking around freely angers me. He should not be allowed to do so, I know we have all done bad things in the past, we all made mistakes but what he did was no mistake.

“Why did they let him go? He was an Angel, he tried…”

“I asked Fuyutsuki this. It seems that he was let go because Fuyutsuki offered him a job. Fuyutsuki saw him as a victim of what had happened and offered to help him.”

“Kaworu Nagisa is no victim, he is a monster.” I state flatly and look at Misato. She too is frowning and I imagine she has very similar thoughts to me.

“Fuyutsuki didn’t seem to think so and… urged us to let the thing with Nagisa slide.” Misato shakes her head as she speaks, “He didn’t go into detail but he told me that Nagisa is as much a victim as you, Shinji or Asuka.”

“I doubt that.”

“As do I but he said he can provide proof for us should we need it. He also assured me that there will be absolutely no risk to anyone and no one will see or hear from Nagisa should we desire it.”

I start to open my mouth to say something about the risk to Asuka but I quickly stop myself. I cannot break my promise to her but I also don’t want her to be at risk. She is in the same city as Nagisa, she has already encountered him once and it can happen again. Her wish to have no contact with others and for no one else to know her whereabouts can be so frustrating at times but I will continue to respect that wish.

My only hope is that she is okay, I will make sure to contact her later today to let her know I have arrived back in Japan. I do wish that I could have stayed with her for another night or two. It has been so long since I have seen her, I wished to play games or see a move with her but she insisted I returned to Japan when Misato asked me to. I believe she will be alright though, the chances of her encountering Nagisa again are slim.

Asuka is smart and strong, I’m sure she will be alright. So now my attention turns towards my brother Shinji. I wonder how he would react to such news, I look back at Misato, “Have you informed Shinji?”

Misato shakes her head, “No… Not yet. I don’t know if I should tell him or if I’m able to. I don’t know how he would react to something like this, you know how he feels about Nagisa…”

“Yes I do.”

Figuring out exactly how my brother will react is tough. He will of course be shocked by the news at first, I am not entirely sure if he is aware that Nagisa was very much like myself with the potential for spare bodies. I wonder if the news that Nagisa is alive might alleviate some of the guilt he still feels over the Angels’ death. At the same time I wonder if that might not just give him something else to fear in this world.

“I think we should be honest with him thought.” Misato says to me, “I think Shinji deserves honesty, if we hide the truth then… it might only make things worse should he eventually find out anyway.”

I nod, “I agree. It would be best to be honest, he should know.”

I go back to staring out the window knowing the hypocrisy of my own words. Knowing that Asuka is well and safe and happy, I wonder what effect that would have on Shinji. I can still remember how miserable he was on the day she left, we were all unhappy with it. She left without any warning only leaving a simple message behind that she had returned to Germany and thanking Misato for taking care of her.

I did not understand why she had left then and I still don’t understand. It was one of the first things I asked when I tracked her down and found her and her only answer was that she had to. I disagree with her, I do not think she had to but it was and is her decision. All I can do is respect that and her wishes. Still I do dislike keeping this secret from Shinji and Misato, yet it is the price of mine and Asuka’s friendship, a friendship that I value so very much.

Being human is exhausting I think to myself as I feel my eyes start to grow heavier. The days of travelling and the revelations are starting to get to me despite me sleeping on the flight. I am looking forward to returning home where I can take a shower, where I can relax in my pyjamas and I can see my brother. Where I can sample his delicious cooking and I can feel safe and unafraid.

**Kaworu Nagisa**

**Berlin - Morning**

My eyes slowly open and the first thing I notice in my semi awake state is the strange pain I'm feeling in my neck. This is closely followed by a dull pain in my head and the realization that this thing my head is against is a solid object rather than my comfortable pillows. The thing wrapped halfway around my body is not my large duvet but is instead a thinner sheet that would be providing me with warmth were it not for it being on the floor now.

I force my eyes to fully open and find myself now looking up at an unfamiliar ceiling. I blink a couple of times and wonder if maybe this is some sort of strange dream I'll wake up from. I pause for a moment, that is strange, I don't remember my dreams from last night. I'm not exactly comfortable here but I also seemed to have slept well for the first time.

This pleasant feeling doesn't last long as the realization of where I am suddenly hits me. It's immediately followed by the familiar feelings of fear that I'm so used to by now. I can remember what happened now. I know exactly where I am now and why I am lying on this sofa on what was, until yesterday, a stranger's home.

Last night she... She invited me to that concert and it was such a wondrous experience. I don't think my heart has ever experienced such joy before. To witness those people playing that music, music I have come to enjoy and love so perfectly was a sight to behold and will surely be one of my most treasured memories.

We left the concert and Asuka asked if I would like to go for a drink with her. I politely declined at first but she insisted upon it. I was uncertain of it, fearful of what would happen if I drank alcohol. I am vaguely aware from the actions I have heard on evenings and the... mess that once littered the pavement near my home of the effect it can have on people.

I think she knew I was scared though and she promised to look after me. I had enjoyed her company throughout the night so decided to take her up on her offer. It would not hurt to try a new experience. The place she took me to was small and quiet. I don't know her very well yet but I felt like we had something in common, I felt like the pain and fear that I feel is something she is familiar with.

Whilst there I drank two and a half pints of beer, much to Asuka's amusement that was enough to affect me. I was giddy, very happy but incapable of walking in a straight line. Asuka laughed me me, I laughed at myself. I haven't laughed like that before, I haven't felt joy like this before.

Asuka on the other hand did not seem to be too affected by what it was she drank. I suppose she is more tolerant of it than I am but she did start to slur her words at one point. When it was time for us to leave the small pub, she declared that I was of course in no fit state to go to my apartment alone. That is why I am now here lying on the couch of Asuka Langley Soryu.

I gaze absent mindedly around the dimly lit room. This place is a far cry from my own and I now start to realize with some sadness just how alien I must seem to anyone else. I can understand now why she was looking around my own apartment so strangely. My place is... It's practically empty and devoid of any colour or life. Her place is decorated, it's messy but it is welcoming.

Ahead of me I spot a television set and an array of games consoles set up underneath it. Either side of the television are two tall bookcases filled with books, DVDs and video games. Between myself and the television is a small coffee table, there is a used plate on it, some empty cups and a half-read book.

Is this how a real human actually lives? Is this what a true lived-in home looks and feels like? Since I returned I've always been hyper aware of just how alien I must seem to others. My way of speaking is not normal by anyone's standards and my appearance is a constant reminder of what I am and was.

I know so little of human ways and customs, I only know what was ingrained into me from my 'birth.' I have this new-found freedom but I find myself at a loss at what exactly to do with it. I am constantly intrigued by things but I don't know where I should start. Asuka's home is a reminded of that, I look again and I see at least three games consoles under her television. I would not know what to do with even one of them. I wouldn't know what to buy and why to buy it, I wouldn't know about the games I should play or what I would enjoy.

All I have really is my job and my music. My music I have because it was something ingrained into me and Kodama helped me explore more contemporary artists. My job because of Fuyutsuki, even the music tuition I want to do I had to be guided into.

I slowly start to sit up and I let the sheet fully fall to the floor. I look across to a nearby chair and see the clothes I was wearing yesterday neatly folded up for me. I begin to feel my cheeks glow slightly red at my situation. It is strange but in my past life I did not feel much in the way of embarrassment when it came to my body but in my past life I never woke up in only my underwear in a stranger's home.

Also, in my past life I never had to deal with certain urges that come with being human. That is... admittedly something I am still struggling with. It is not that I do not know how nor is it not that dealing with certain urges doesn't feel good it is just something I am unused to and something I struggle to not feel embarrassed or awkward about.

I pull the sheet back up and around my waist as I continue to look around the room. Despite being so visually different to my own apartment the layout is not too dissimilar. On the far end of a wall are two doors, I can see from here one of which leads into a bathroom and the other, closed, door I presume leads to Asuka's bedroom.

Much like my apartment the living room is also combined with a kitchen at the far end. Hers seems slightly larger than mine though. I look towards the closed door and I wonder how Asuka is and if she also slept well last night.

I am still coming to terms with the fact that I am here. After our initial encounter I did not think that I would ever see her again, nor did I think it would be such a pleasant experience. I was certain that I did not deserve any of her kindness, in fact I am still certain that I don't. I cannot comprehend why she would be so nice to be especially now that she knows the truth of what I am. Yet I am grateful to her for it. When she wakes up I will have to thank her, whenever of course it is that she does wake up.

I reach across to the seat and grab my phone from the top of the pile. I smile as I turn it on and look at the time and see that it's nine thirty. I smile and lean back comfortably on the sofa. A second later my smile fades and I look at the phone again... Oh my god it's nine thirty! I should be at work now! I should have been at work half an hour ago! I should be at work but I'm not! I'm in the apartment of someone I barely know, wearing barely anything in a part of Berlin that I barely know!

I leap up off fo the couch, there is a loud band and pain as my toe hits the wooden coffee table. I suppress a yelp and lean over to pick up my trousers from the pile. How could this have happened? Did I sleep through my alarm? Why didn't it go off? Damnit, I wanted to put on fresh clothes as well!

I slide one leg into my trousers and try to put the other one in, no wait that isn't right. This isn't the right leg, damnit I'm trying to put these on the wrong way. I slide by leg back out of my trousers and take a step back to try to reassess this. There is another loud noise as once again my foot collides with the table, this time I can't suppress the yelp of pain.

Nor can I keep my balance as I try to keep hold of the trousers and step into them. I feel them slip from my hands as I stagger backwards and try desperately to angle myself to land on the floor. My backside does not thank me as I land hard against the wooden floor.

I lie there for a brief moment dazed and in pain before getting back up and snatching my trousers off of the floor in anger. I hold them out properly and I'm ready to finally put the damn things on when I hear a door open and a light comes on in the room. All I can do is stand there awkwardly as I feel redness spread to my cheeks. I slowly turn my head to see a panicked looking Asuka staring directly at me.

"Kaworu! Is everything alright I heard a-"

\---

**Asuka Langley Soryu**

**Berlin - Morning**

Admittedly of all the things I expected to see when I opened my bedroom door, Kaworu Nagisa stood angrily in just his underwear was at the bottom of the list, in fact I dare say it never even crossed my mind. It was strange enough having him in my apartment but to find him in this particular state even more so.

Kaworu slowly turns his head and looks directly at me, I can see his eyes are wide with fear once again but at least this time I know it isn’t because he’s scared of me. Instead, judging by how red his face has gone it’s probably because of the state I’ve spotted him in.

I start to feel some redness come to my cheeks now as I realize we’ve been standing there looking at one another for at least thirty seconds now. I try to focus on his face as I speak, “I… heard a noise… is everything alright?”

His mouth opens and closes in a fashion similar to a goldfish and more awkward moments of silence pass between us. I’m trying so hard to keep me eyes on his face but I can’t help but steal glances elsewhere. I look down at his body taking in the sight before me, he’s slender but healthy and his pale skin almost glows in the light. I can see the top of his legs too, well toned, he did say that he likes to walk a lot.

My eyes dart from his face to his legs, up to his chest and stomach. I’m doing all I can to not let them wander to other parts. I shouldn’t be looking, I really shouldn’t, and he’s embarrassed enough but… I can’t… my eyes look directly at the one covered part of him. His boxers are tight and I can see his rounded backside so well. I feel myself bite onto my bottom lip, it’s… for lack of a better word, perfect.

I really have to stop looking. I shouldn’t be looking at his body like this. He’s a guest in my home, he’s a guest and practically a stranger. I… I have to stop, come on Asuka… if you want to look at… things you have websites for that.

My eyes look at his ass once again. I hate myself for this but I guess one quick peek isn’t bad, I mean… I am intrigued as to whether or not our former Angel is equipped and his boxers are tight. I allow my eyes to drift for just a second, I bite down harder on my lip.

“I… I tripped…” He finally speaks.

My eyes go back up to his face and I release the painful grip my teeth have on my bottom lip. Instead I suppress a smirk as I realize what must have happened. The noise I heard was Kaworu falling. I can’t help but wonder how.

“I was in a hurry, I… I fell when…”

I nearly snort with laughter, now I can see the scene. Kaworu in a hurry to put on his trousers must have slipped and fallen. What a sight that must have been. All I can do is nod as I watch him put his trousers on, shame. He then hurriedly picks up his shirt and slips that on. I can’t help but wonder why he is in such a rush, does he have to be somewhere? Is it to get away from me?

I wonder if maybe last night was too much for him, he’s not used to being around people and at a concert there are so many people then I took him to that bar afterwards. Was that too much for him? Or has he realized he should be afraid of me and wants to get away. I step forward, “Whats wrong? How come you’re leaving so quickly?”

“M-My alarm… it didn’t… I have to go to work… I… I’m late and…”

“Um Kaworu…” I step further into the room and shake my head, I guess he is a little bit confused.

He doesn’t reply as he finishes buttoning up his shirt. He looked around for what I presume is his tie or a jacket. He didn’t have either object last night. He looks horrified, “Oh no… I-I haven’t got them!”

“Kaworu…”I repeat myself as I walk further into the room. I lean my elbows casually on the back of the sofa and he once again ignores me as he picks up his wallet and phone and stuffs the items into his pockets.

“Kaworu!” I repeat a third time but this time raise my voice slightly, he stops dead in his tracks and turns to look at me.

“A-Asuka I… I have to go, I… work…”

“It’s Saturday…” I say to him and I watch as the panic fades from his face only to be replaced once more by a look of embarrassment.

“S-S-Saturday… Are you sure?”

I nod my head, “Well considering yesterday was Friday and Saturday is traditionally the day that comes after Friday I’m at least 99 percent sure.”

“Oh… I didn’t… I forgot… the… being here and last night I…” He shakes his head and his cheeks are once again glowing a bright shade of red, “I… I am sorry. I did not wake you did I?”

I shake my head, “Don’t worry about it, I was already awake. Sit down, I’ll make you some coffee.”

He relaxes his shoulders and sits himself down on the sofa. I shoot him a grin as he awkwardly smiles back at me, “Thank you.”

“How do you take it?” I ask.

“Some milk, and sugar.”

I move into the kitchen area and start preparing some coffee for the two of us. I look over to him as he sits on my sofa looking around in an awkward fashion. Finally he speaks, “I… I must thank you once again for last night. The concert was simply wonderful and mesmerizing, humanity is… really capable of wondrous things.”

“I’m just glad you enjoyed it.” I reply as I finish making our coffee. I bring them over to the sofa and place them down on the coffee table. I move a few things around on the table to try to make space. I try to avoid his gaze as I do so feeling somewhat embarrassed by the state of my front room. I can only imagine what Kaworu must think of this place considering the condition his own apartment is in.

I try to keep the subject on the concert hoping that maybe he won’t notice the used plate or empty cups I’m moving around, “I just figured it would be something you’d enjoy and I had the spare ticket.”

“I enjoyed it very much, thank you for letting me use that spare ticket. I was not aware there were people performing the music in such a fashion.”

“No problem. If I hear of anything else I’ll let you know about it.”

“That would be most kind of you. I… I still have a lot to learn about finding my way in this world it seems. Fuyutsuki has… helped me in some ways but I feel there is so much more that I cannot learn from him. He is… nice but he is quite a serious man. I do not feel I could ask him about things such as concerts, television or video games.”

I shrug, “Probably not. I… I try to have minimal contact with him to be honest. I’d rather not…”

I trail off before finally adding, “I just have my own stuff to worry about and his help isn’t something I really need nor want.”

Kaworu nods and picks up his cup cradling it in his hands for a few moments, “I see. I forgot to ask but what exactly is it that you do?”

I pause for a moment and wonder what I should say to him. I can’t exactly turn around and say I do nothing at all. I don’t want people to think I live off of the payout the UN gave me but I also like my anonymity. Very few people know the truth of what it is I do. I look back up at Kaworu, I can’t imagine he’d tell anyone. It’s not like he knows anyone aside from Fuyutsuki and I can already guarantee Fuyutsuki knows because of his network of security following me.

I get to my feet and go to one of the bookcases and pull one of the promotional copies of the first book from the shelf. I hand it to Kaworu, “I write.”

“You write? That is wonderful! I had no idea!” His eyes grow wide with wonder as he takes the book from me. He studies the cover for a few moments because looking back up at me in confusion, “Mari… Makinami? But that… is not your name…”

“It’s a pseudonym…” I reply flatly, “I don’t use my real name.”

“Oh!” he looks at the book again before nodding, “I… I see… I understand.”

I wonder for a brief moment if he really does understand but then he looks up at me and gives me a knowing smile and another nod. Of course he understands, he understands why I write under a pseudonym and why I don’t want me name to be known. I don’t need to tell Kaworu any of that because he’d be the same. We don’t want people to recognize us because of the people we were or think we were.

He turns the book over in his hand and starts to read the back of it. I now have to wonder if he’ll make the connection, I can still remember quite clearly the look on her face when she did. I tried to hide those feelings of pride I felt when I saw it happen but I couldn’t help it. I made Rei Ayanami cry tears of happiness, that was such an achievement and to make her happy like that is the least I could do to make up for what I put her and her brother through.

“Zero… A young girl brought up in isolation and unsure of her humanity. She is sent out to fight a great evil that threatens her race… Is this…”

I take the book from him and nod, “Yeah… It is… It’s Rei.”

“D-Do you… have contact with her?” he averts his eyes as I silently nod my head.

“Yes I do, she was the one who told me who you were actually. She saw your name on that form and filled me in on the details.”

Kaworu leaps to his feet, “Rei is here?”

I hold out my hand to calm him, “Relax, she went back to Japan yesterday.”

“Oh…”

He sits back down and relaxes somewhat. I wonder if I should tell him that it was Rei’s ticket he used yesterday to go to the concert. I should probably tell him he has nothing to be afraid of when it comes to Rei but then I remember how she reacted to news that he was alive and wonder if that is true. Maybe he should be afraid of her.

“Rei is… actually one of the few friends I have… Probably the only friend actually. She is one of the few who knows who I am… where I am…” I let out a laugh, “Not that I made it easy for her of course.”

I can still remember the moment Rei turned up on my doorstep as if it was yesterday. At that point in time I had only just started writing and I had settled on using Rei as a template for the main character. Why did I pick her at a template? Guilt I suppose, I felt a lot of guilt for everything I did back then and I still do feel it but Rei... she got the brunt of it. She was the verbal punching bag, I called her names and called her out in front of others.

I had no idea of course what she was and what she had been through. The worst thing is with how I was back then I don't think I'd have cared. I wanted to somehow make it up to her. Naturally I couldn't just pick up the phone and apologize, I had to make a grand gesture even if she didn't know about it. So I used her as a basis for the main character in my story.

At the time I started this I had been living on my own for a year and a half. They had initially tried to put me back together with my father and his wife. For a moment I was tempted to go back. To try to have a normal family life and pretend nothing had happened but some of that old stubbornness and need for independence was still within me. I insisted that I be placed on my own and that I'd be more than capable of looking after myself.

Besides I don't fit in with that group anymore, I never have done. I rebelled against the two of them from the moment my mother died through to leaving for Japan. I never gave them a chance to help me or be my family. I blamed my dad for my mother's death and whilst I got on with my stepmother I never really wanted her around. They have their own life, their own children now and whilst I do see them occasionally I try to keep my distance.

At that time my father and Fuyutsuki were still trying to maintain regular contact. When I heard the knock on my door I did think it'd be either of them. You can imagine both my surprise and horror when I saw that it was in fact Rei Ayanami. It turns out that she had been talking to Fuyutsuki about wanting to find me for some time. He had not told her where I was but she was smart. She knew that I'd have gone back to Germany and travelled there on her own.

From there she had found my parents and they had told her where I was. I wasn't angry at them, I understood why they did that. This person had just travelled thousands of miles to see me, they couldn't exactly turn them away.

My first thought was that Rei was here to yell at me or give me what it was I deserved for being such a horrible person to her and everyone else. Instead she looked at me across the doorstep for a few moments before saying my name and throwing herself at me. She bawled about how much it was she missed me. It was the first of many hugs I would receive from Rei.

She told me about how she had travelled all this way on her own under the guise of taking a holiday. She wanted as few people to know she was looking for me as possible. That suited me just fine, I wanted as few people to know where I was as possible. I made her promise to me that she wouldn't tell anyone she had been in contact with me. I told her why I left Japan and why I had to stay away, I don't know if she approved of my reasons or fully understood them but she has respected them and that is good enough for me. Both myself and Rei have been good friends ever since.

Me and Kaworu sit drinking our coffee and another hour passes as we sit and talk about the concert last night and Kaworu tells me some of his experience in the emergence facility. Not long after that he excuses himself to go back home. We exchange phone numbers and e-mail addresses and make that promise to stay in contact with each other. I give him a copy of my book, signed of course, and he asks eagerly when the second one will be released.

As I watch him leave I take my phone out of the pocket and see I've received a message from Rei. It's an apology that she didn't get in touch sooner but she is now back in Japan and is alright. She tells me that she ended up going out with Misato and her brother for dinner and she was too tired to do anything when she returned. She warns me to be careful and reminds me once again about how dangerous Kaworu is.

I read that last sentence over again and feel a pang in my stomach. Kaworu slips out of view and I stand in my doorway for a few moments thinking over the strange situation. That person that Rei thinks Kaworu is... is not the person I met last night and went out to a concert with. Kaworu is just like me... He's just like all of us, he's afraid and trying to figure things out. I understand Rei's concerns and worries and I wonder just how I'm going to explain to her that I didn't just not follow her advice but I spent the night at a concert with him and let him crash on my sofa.

\---

**Shinji Ikari**

**Tokyo 2 – Afternoon**

I feel exhausted as I navigate the shopping bags set down around me in an attempt to place my tray on the table. I slide the chair out and sit down, grateful for the opportunity to take the weight off of my feet. Around me others are doing the same, Touji and Hikari taking up a position opposite me, Kensuke takes the seat to my left and Rei the one to my right.

Myself, Hikari and Kensuke all seem to have gotten the same thing. Rei has opted for a salad, one of the few vegetarian options in this fast food place. Touji, as expected has gone for one of the 'deluxe' burger options and as I glance as his tray I wonder how a human is even supposed to fit that in their mouth. Yet I know that somehow Touji will manage it.

Rei, sensing my exhaustion turns to me and smiles warmly, "Are you feeling okay Shinji?"

I give her a nod and smile back, "I'm alright Rei, just tired. We've covered a lot of ground today."

I look at the amount of shopping bags we all have between us and that seems to be a bit of an understatement. It's been a long time since we've all been out together like this. It means we all had a bit of extra money to spend too.

"Good, I would not wish for you to be uncomfortable."

My smile grows wider, "I know Rei, don't worry about me though. I'm... I'm fine when I'm with all of you."

There is a brief moment of silence as people get comfortable and begin to eat their food. Touji greedily picks up his burger. It's huge and I dread to think what is inside it. He takes a bit from it and makes a satisfied noise after doing so. Hikari shoots him a disapproving look as she politely bites into her food.

Contrary to Rei's concernts I have had a good day. I always do when I'm with them all. It's one of the few times I never feel afraid. I never have to worry about anything when I'm around them. I can just be myself and enjoy it all. They're all my friends and being with them somehow manages to alleviate all my fears and concerns.

Yet as I look at the empty sixth seat at our table I am hit with something of a bittersweet feeling. I feel like I shouldn't be bothered by it now, it's been years but she was a part of this group and in a way, she still is. I feel like she should be here shopping and laughing with us. Calling us idiots and marching us from place to place.

I shake my head and try to focus on my food. I do still wonder about her from time to time. It was upsetting when she left and I naturally blamed myself, I still do blame myself. I miss her a lot but at the same time I think I understood why she left. I know she wasn't happy here in Japan and I just hope wherever she is now that she is happy. She deserves that.

“How was America Rei?” I hear Hikari ask.

“America was good, I was unfortunately unable to view everything I wished to whilst I was there so I will have to visit again in the future.” Rei tells her, “I was however quite fortunate to be able to witness a live dinosaur bone excavation.”

“A dinosaur excavation! That must have been amazing!” Kensuke exclaims loudly, “What sort was it? Was it a T-Rex? Was it something huge with big teeth?”

“It was a Triceratops.” Rei replies cooly.

“You know…” Touji speaks with his mouth half full of his food, an action that earns him a stern glare from Hikari, “I find it hard to believe that creatures like that roamed around once. I mean can you imagine something that big just walking around?”

One by one each of us raise our head and stare at Touji in mild disbelief. He sees us all staring and shrugs, “What?”

Hikari shakes her head, “You can be so dense sometimes Touji!”

“What… What did I say?” Touji asks.

“The Angels Touji…”

“Oh!” He finally realizes, “Yeah but they were different like… the dinosaurs were really big right?”

“The dinosaurs weren’t bigger than the Angels of the Eva’s Touji!” Kensuke informs him, “The Eva’s must have been like a hundred metres tall! No Dinosaur was that big…”

Kensuke trails off when he sees the glare that Hikari is now shooting him. He turns around to me and Rei and shrugs, “Sorry guys… I guess… not really a suitable subject is it?”

“I don’t mind but… Rei?”

I look towards me sister, “Aida is quite correct, the Eva’s were much taller than any known dinosaur. The Angels however did vary in size, some of the dinosaurs may in fact have been larger than them in fact I can think of at least two.”

“Well what about Godzilla! That was a dinosaur right and that was pretty big.”

Hikari groans as Kensuke gestures wildly in his reply, “Godzilla was fictional Touji! Besides Godzilla varied in size depending on the film. Film companies could never keep it consistent, sometimes it was 50 metres and in the new one it was 150 metres!”

“So it could have been the same size as an Eva!” Touji replies, “So could it have taken on an Eva? Imagine that, Godzilla vs an Evangelion!”

“An Eva would crush Godzilla Touji! I mean did you see the Eva’s?”

“Guys!” Hikari tries to interject.

I laugh it off, “I don’t mind, besides can’t really stop them can we?”

It’s such an absurd conversation I can’t help but laugh at it. Besides I don’t mind them talking about the Eva as much anymore, I still associate a lot of painful memories with it but I can’t hide from it. On the other hand I do wonder if I should stop it, Rei looks quite angry as she glares between the two of them.

“Yeah but Godzilla has near impenetrable armour AND is has the nuclear breath! I bet it could do some damage to the Eva’s.”

“Suzahara, stop this!” Rei speaks quietly but firmly. I should have asked them to stop, clearly Rei is uncomfortable with what is happening. I start to hand my head but then she speaks again and my jaw nearly drops, “You are mistaken, such a creature would not pose any sort of challenge for any one of the Eva’s. It lacks the A.T. Field and the array of weaponry that each of us possessed, therefore we would eventually prevail.”

\----

**Asuka Langley Soryu**

**3 rd September 2021**

**Asuka's Apartment – Afternoon**

Two weeks have now passed since I saw Kaworu Nagisa. We’ve kept in contact with one another since then, a few messages here and there but we haven’t seen one another in person. I guess I feel… nervous about him and our friendship. After he left on that day my thoughts were occupied by him and him alone. It gave me a warm feeling but also one I’m afraid of.

It was nice to sit alongside him at that concert, to know he was smiling because of me and for us to cheer as we watched that band play some of our favourite music. I even think about how cute he looked on that Saturday morning. It was nice to just, for a short period of time, not be plagued by the constant guilt and worry that I always feel.

It was just for that one day though, the very next day the nightmares returned and along with it all the doubt and worry. That realization returned that I was a bad person and I don’t deserve to be happy. It was such a crash from the highs I felt the previous day. I even managed to feel disgusted with myself for enjoying the sight of his mostly naked body.

I, Asuka Langley Soryu, do not deserve to be happy nor do I deserve to have anyone nearby who makes or tries to make me happy. I know exactly what will happen because I know who I really am. I know what I’ll do if they get close, I’ll just end up hurting them. Like I’ve hurt so many others in my life. I was tempted to do it to Kaworu, to angrily message him and tell him to never come near me again.

I didn’t do that though, I couldn’t do that because I want to see him again, I need to see him again. A stronger part of me is pushing to keep up this friendship because maybe, just maybe I do deserve to be happy.

Of course adding to my guilt is the fact that I couldn’t bring myself to tell Rei about my encounter with Kaworu. She should know, she is and has been my only friend over the last couple of years but I don’t know what I should say to her. What can I say? I heard what she said about Kaworu, about how dangerous he is. I can’t exactly turn around and tell her I went to visit him, took him to a concert and let him sleep on my couch.

The only saving grace is that I’ve been kept quite busy these past two weeks so not had as much time to become absorbed in my guilt. My publisher decided to send out the press releases and set a date for my second books release, without consulting me first. Fourth of December it’ll come out, my Birthday. It’s not really a date I enjoy being reminded of, nothing good has ever happened on my Birthday.

I push that thought aside, last year was pretty good. I got a nice e-mail from Rei and she sent me a package with a cuddly toy rabbit. I bought myself a cake, it was nice.

The publisher’s decision meant I’ve had to do a bit of extra work on the book as I want it to be ready in plenty of time. I finished up the ending and went through the entire thing altering and correcting the sections I wasn’t happy with. It didn’t take me too long to do, if I’ve retained anything good from my past-self it’s that I tend to be quite good at what I set my mind to and I make minimal mistakes. So when it comes to the release of Mari Makinami’s second book, things should go smoothly.

I now find myself bored and wondering what I should do tonight. I've been irritating myself throughout the day with the idea of messaging Kaworu and asking if he would like to do something. Yet I know I should probably stay far away from him. Sending texts or e-mailing is fine, there is no contact or risk there but seeing each other in person. I just know if we continue to be friends he'll eventually realize who I am and leave.

Yet I really want to see him again. I'm at a loss on what to do and even what to say. I have my phone in my hands, our conversation open and ready for me to type something. It's not like I've invited anyone out before. The concert was a spur of the moment thing because I felt bad for him. If I ask him out again then how will that look? What will he say? Will it be a... one of those d-words?

I've been on a grand total of one of those in my life. I ended up leaving the guy in the queue for a rollercoaster because he bored me. After that I went home and made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I have very little faith in myself as to how things would go on another date.

Still, I'm certain he would be interested. We have have been messaging each other a lot. He even asked me for advice on buying a games console. I was happy to advise him on which one to get and a number of games.

He's been informing me of his progress since then. It's been quite funny, even cute to see him go from not understanding anything to learning the games and enjoying them. He's been sending me screenshots of progress in levels or whenever he's won a match on a football game. Maybe that's what I could do, invite him over to play games together.

I let out a sigh and go back to the home screen of my phone. Why is this so difficult? I'm Asuka Langley Soryu damnit, I'm not supposed to have difficulty doing things. I'm a published author, I was an accomplished pilot and I got a damn college degree before I was fourteen. I shouldn't be having difficulty contacting someone because I want to hand out with them.

I know why it's difficult though. It's difficult because I'm Asuka Langley Soryu. The petulant bratty girl who exists only to hurt others. Who should stay away from other people lest they see through me.

I'm midway through my mental assault on myself when I suddenly see my phone start to ring. My heart leaps into my mouth thinking it could be him but I feel only disappointment when I don't recognize the caller ID. I'm prepared to ignore it but realize with the book stuff it might be important. On answering I'm greeted by a voice I haven't heard in years.

"Hello, is that Asuka?"

I almost hang up on him, the only reason I don't is because I can detect the hint of panic in his voice. Knowing his relationship with Kaworu he's earned at least a minute of my time.

"It is." I reply sharply, "Can I ask why you're calling, I thought I said I-"

"Yes, I know and normally I would not have contacted you but you are the only person I could contact, it's Nagisa he-"

My heart leaps into my mouth again although unlike last time it doesn't feel quite as good, "Kaworu? What happened?"

"There has been an incident. I know you and he have been in contact and I didn't know who else to contact. Do you think you could come over?"

I don't hesitate in my reply, instead I leap up off of my sofa and hastily put my jacket on, "I'll be right there."---

**Kaworu's Apartment.**

My heart is beating rapidly in my chest as I turn the corner onto the street where Kaworu's apartment block is. I get to his building and lean against the wall for a moment to try to catch my breath. I regret having ran so much but I couldn't delay in getting here. I had to find out what had happened to Kaworu.

I push the door to the lobby open and move through the corridor towards Kaworu's door. I knock a few times and barely any time passes between me knocking and the door opening. I ignore Fuyutsuki's greeting as I push past him and move into the front room. The curtains have been closed letting in only a small amount of light, a lamp is on next to the TV and I look around for him.

Finally, I see him, lying on the sofa his eyes wide open in terror. He looks just as bad, if not worse than he did when I first met him. Only this time I can see the reason why. I try to not gasp at the sight of him. He's hurt and I don't even mean a little bit. Even at this distance I can make out the bruising around his eye, I can see his lip has been cut and there are little smudges of blood under his nose and on his cheeks.

I step further into the room and see that his shit has been ripped and bloodied as well. The poor guy is an absolute mess. I quickly make my way over to his side and kneel down next him. I take his trembling hands in my own. As I look back up, I see Fuyutsuki has entered the room now.

"What the hell happened to him?" My voice is shaking as I speak. I try to keep it steady, I try to keep myself from yelling. I can feel rage building inside of me but I need to keep it in check. Kaworu is terrified enough without seeing me explode.

Fuyutsuki stands near to the sofa and merely shakes his head, "He was attacked."

"Yes, I can see that." I snarl at him, "Who by? When? How?" I though the UN goons were watching us all the time, how did they let something like this happen?"

Fuyutsuki says nothing for a few moments and merely bows his head. I can see the sorrow in his eyes but a part of me doesn't care. I'm not going to feel sorry for that damn old man, not when Kaworu is lying here shaking and hurt. I ask him again, "His security, what the hell were they doing?"

Again, I get no reply and it slowly starts to dawn on me what has happened. I open my mouth in shock as I look forwards Kaworu and once again at Fuyutsuki. I don't even need to be told but I ask anyway just for confirmation.

"It was them... Wasn't it?"

Fuyutsuki nods, "Our security are checked and vetter, this shouldn't have happened."

"Well it did!" I snap back, "Where the hell are they?"

"Both of them have been relieved of their jobs and are with the appropriate authorities. I will be making sure they are dealt with as strongly as possible."

"Not good enough." I get to my feet, "Where are they, I'll deal with them."

I start to move forward but I'm stopped when I feel Kaworu tugging at my hand. Fuyutsuki looks at me, "Miss Soryu, please..."

"Those goons are supposed to be protecting us! They're supposed to be protecting him! You are supposed to be protecting him! You promised him that much! What sort of pathetic excuse for protection is this is they're the ones hurting him!"

I try to move forward again and break myself free of Kaworu's grip. I wonder if Fuyutsuki will try to stop me. I don't care, if I have to deal with him then I will but I won't let those bastards get away with this. I don't care what Kaworu is or what he was, he didn't deserve this to happen to him.

"Soryu please."

I stop still again and fix the former professor with an ice-cold stare, "What exactly is the purpose of the people who watch and follow us Fuyutsuki?"

He bows his head again, "I know..."

"Their purpose is to make sure that people like me and Kaworu don't come to any harm. I didn't ask for their protection but I know they're there. I know he was promised it though, I know he was assured it and they have failed... You have failed! You-"

"A-Asuka... please..."

I'm stopped mid rant by Kaworu's weakened voice. It pulls me out of my anger back to reality and I turn to see he is sitting up now.

"Please... I... I do not wish for you to fight nor for anyone else to be hurt. What happened to me... I... I deserve thi-"

"Shut up!" I snap back at him, "Don't you dare! Don't you dare tell me or dare to think that you deserve this. No one deserves this."

I shake my head one more time and slowly move back to Kaworu's side. I sit myself near to him and bring him down to rest his head on my lap. I gently run a hand through his hair and try to calm myself down. I can't let my anger get the better of me, if I storm out then what does Kaworu have? When I can though, if I can, then I'm going to make those bastards pay.

"What happened Kaworu?" I try to soften my voice and he looks back up at me, his eyes wounded and tearful.

"I was coming back from work... They approached me and they... attacked me in the lobby of my block. I... I couldn't fight back... They..."

I hush him, I don't need to hear anymore. It's not like many people would have been able to put up much of a fight against two trained members of whatever the group is that is trailing us. Even if he had it probably would have ended up being worse for him.

"They've been identified?" I ask Fuyutsuki.

He nods, "Yes, they're with the authorities now and have been relieved of their job. You have my word that they will be punished for this."

"And what exactly does that mean Fuyutsuki?" I snap back, "Your word? Why should I..."

"A-Asuka... please he... he wants to help, this isn't his fault."

I stare a hole through Fuyutsuki. From here I can see he looks ashamed and maybe even a little bit angry himself. Good.

"I know you don't have a high opinion of me Soryu and I don't blame you. You have every right to hate me but I promise you I will deal with this."

I look back towards Kaworu, fine, I'll try it their way.

"Alright, I won't do anything but you promise me... you promise both me and him... You make a promise Fuyutsuki that you will deal with the two bastards that did this."

"I promise you that Soryu, you too Nagisa. I will deal with this." He bows his head towards us, "I will take my leave now. It seems I am in for a busy night. You will both be alright?"

"Yes. I'll take care of him." I reply coldly.

He says his goodbye and leaves the room. I hear the front door close and I let out a sigh before looking once more at Kaworu. I hear him let out a sniff and a tear rolls down his cheek. I squeeze his hand and continue to run my other hand through his hair. I guess I got what I wanted, to see him again only not exactly as I'd have wished it.

"I'm here Kaworu, I'm here as long as you need me to be. You're safe now, I promise."


	5. You're Not Alone

**Shinji Ikari**

**Tokyo 2 – Late afternoon**

"Shinji, I need to speak with you."

I put down the piece of sheet music I'm looking over and look towards Rei as she enters the living room. There is something about her seems, off and I feel a sense of worry as I watch her enter the room. Rei looks worried, immediately I stand up, "Of course, Rei! Is everything alright?"

She makes her way towards me and nods, "It is... fine but I fear I have made a mistake."

That slightly worried feeling I had moments before begins to morph into that familiar sense of butterflies in my stomach. It's not like Rei to look nervous or worried like this. Scenarios begin to rush through my head as to what could be wrong. I wonder if someone has hurt her or threatened her in some way.

I try to keep myself calm as she instructs me to sit down. I go back to where I was previously and watch as she sits down near to me, she gazes down at the ground awkwardly.

"What's wrong Rei? Did somebody hurt you?"

She looks up at me and shakes her head, "No, it is nothing like that but there is something that happened on my recent holiday that you need to know."

"You mean in America? What happened Rei?"

Again, scenarios begin to flash through my mind. Did someone take advantage of Rei in America? Did someone threaten her or hurt her in some way? I find it hard to believe someone could have hurt her with the security watching us but then I wonder if maybe she met someone there and they hurt her. I know that unlike myself she has actively dated people, both male and female and has experimented in those ways.

I swallow and wait for her to reply, "Yes, only this incident did not occur in America. I was... In Germany when it occurred. There was something in Germany that I wished to see but then this happened. This is the reason I cut my holiday short. I should have told you sooner about my being in Germany but there were things that needed to be worked out."

I feel a brief sense of relief knowing no one hurt her but was this all she had to tell me? That she was in Germany and then got called to come back. Is this just about her being in Germany and not telling me. I know I worry about her but she doesn't need to tell me everything. On occasion she has been guilty of telling me too much.

Besides Rei is an adult, she can go wherever she wants. I give her a reassuring smile.

"That's fine Rei, I know you've been to Germany before and I know you like it there. I'm guessing Misato found out and asked you to come back early then, I know she can be overprotective of us."

"That was not the end of my story." She says with a hint of impatience in her voice, "The reason I was called back early was not because of my being in Germany but because of what I witnessed whilst there, or at least who I witnessed."

I say absolutely nothing as I sit there in a mixture of confusion and worry. That uneasy feeling I had moments before has returned as I wonder why Rei is so worried about telling me this. I wonder just who or what she could have seen. If it was this bad then it must in some way concern me but I don't understand what it is.

Unless... I don't think that could be it but what if... What if after all these years she has finally been seen again. She is from Germany so it'd make sense for her to be there and I know Rei would have issues telling me if she saw her.

I feel a lump in my throat as I prepare for Rei to say her name. This is a moment I've been waiting for ever since she left. I feel a mixture of fear and excitement, what if it really was her? How am I actually going to feel if Rei does say her name? Excited? Happy? I don't know. I also wonder what it matters if it was her. It's not like she would want to come back here and I don’t think we could ever be friends again.

I know she hates me for the things I did to her and I can't blame her. It's probably best she does stay away because I'd only hurt her again. I just want to know she is okay though, that she is happy and doing well. I feel Rei's hand around mine as she reveals to me the person she saw.

"I saw Kaworu Nagisa."

I blink. I blink once more and then all the excitement, all the fear and all the other feelings within me are replaced briefly by a strange numb sensation as I try to process what Rei just said to me. The name floats around my head for a few moments and then I start to feel that lump in my throat swell.

I look at Rei aware that my eyes are widening. I want to ask her to say that name again but I can't. I can't open my mouth, it's as if my jaw has been wired shut. All at once images flash back to me of my meeting with Kaworu. Images of us talking at the beach, of us doing our sync tests and me staying in his room. Finally, the images turn darker, the descent into Central Dogma, the fight with Unit 02 and then opening Unit 01s hand to reveal that horror of what I had done to Kaworu.

I wonder if maybe I misheard her. Maybe it was another name but I know how idiotic that sounds. Rei wouldn't make a mistake like that, if she saw Kaworu then she saw Kaworu and that was that. I keep my mouth shut firmly, this time not because it feels like it's wired shut but through fear that if I open it I'll be sick.

I can't believe that he could be alive. I can't believe that Kaworu, my friend for such a brief moment of my life is somehow alive. The boy who befriended me when I had no one else. The boy who betrayed me and the boy that I murdered.

I don't know how to feel about it. Should I be happy at this news? Happy that he came back too along with so many others? Should I be sad or angry at him? I've always tried so hard to not think about Kaworu. I've always tried to put him out of my mind. It's the one memory that I never wanted to revisit and yet I've revisited it so many times over the years. Every moment of our brief couple of days has been replayed in detail in my dreams from the moment I first laid eyes to to his death.

I feel like I should hate him. I know what he did, he took advantage of me and betrayed me. I sunk to my lowest point after that, I did things that were horrible to Asuka and I did nothing as Misato died trying to help me. Yet I cannot hate him. I feel like there was more to him than what I knew, I always wanted to know what that was. I always felt strongly about him, perhaps not as strong as I felt her her but there was something.

"I apologize that I did not tell you sooner." Rei interupts my train of thought, "I promise you though, no harm will come to you from him. I will protect you Shinji."

I look back towards Rei, "P-P-Protect me... No... No I don't... I... Ka-Kaworu wouldn't... He..."

Rei runs her thumbs over my hand, "I know what he was and what he did to you. You don’t need to be afraid of him, he can't and won't hurt you again."

"I-I-I..." I start to stutter and close my mouth again. I have nothing to say to Rei, all I can feel now is the numbness spreading throughout my body. I can feel my chest tighten and my breathing becomes more difficult. Rei quickly moves to sit herself beside me and wraps her arm around my shoulder. My vision blurs as I try to steady my breathing, I try to remember what I've been told whenever this happens. It's been so long since it's happened.

Rei wraps me in a warm hug and whispers, "It is okay brother, just breathe. I know this is difficult for you."

\---

**Rei Ayanami**

I hold my trembling brother tightly in my arms and wait for his anxiety attack to subside. I’m hit with an overwhelming sense of guilt as I sit there and realize that I have been a terrible sister with what I have done to him. I should have told him this sooner but my failure to act has now only ended up hurting him.

Seeing his reaction to this only makes me think about how he would react were he to learn about the other secret I am keeping from him. I’ve been close to telling him about it in the past but now more than ever I feel like he needs to know that she is alive and well. That he needs to know she is still out there but I also feel like I am too deep in my lie.

I’m afraid, not only of his reaction to learning she is alive but also of his reaction to finding out I kept it hidden from him for three years. I know eventually the truth will come out, that is the way of these things but I am afraid of what will happen when it does. It is not only Shinji’s reaction that I fear but also Misato’s, the woman who took me in and gave me a home for these past years.

I also fear her reaction as well were I to tell them without her permission. I know she wants to keep herself hidden from them and whilst I disagree with her that she should I promised to keep her secret. I would be betraying one of my best friends if I did that, I would also be confirming her fears that everyone would eventually betray her.

I just want these people, the ones who I love to be happy and safe and thanks to Nagisa I can no longer feel that they are. Thanks to Nagisa my ideal little world has been torn apart, I did not like keeping the secret before this but it was manageable. With Nagisa there there is a risk, not just to us but to Asuka as well. I don’t care what Fuyutsuki tells us, that boy cannot be trusted.

“I apologize again Shinji, I know the memory of Nagisa hurts you. I am sorry that I did not tell you about his return sooner but…”

Shinji releases himself from our embrace and shakes his head whilst smiling at me, “N-No… It’s fine, I understand why you didn’t. I am… I’m not the easiest person when it comes to something like this. I’m sorry I make things so difficult for you. I’m sorry I’m not stronger or better yet!”

“Idiot!” I reply to him sharply and silence him by claming my fingers around his lips, “You have nothing to apologize for Shinji. You do not need to be ‘stronger’ or ‘better’ you are who you are, you should not apologize for things which you do not need to apologize for.”

I remove my hand and to my surprise he actually lets out a laugh, “You know… You almost reminded me of… Well you know who I mean. When you told me off it sounded just like she did.”

I try to ignore that feeling of guilt swelling inside of me as he talks about Asuka. I try to cast the thought of her aside. I cannot tell them yet about her. Not after he has just learned about Nagisa. Instead I must focus on making him feel better, focus on helping him in the here and now.

“I apologize, I do not mean to insult you.”

Shinji carries on smiling, “No… You didn’t insult me. You were right Rei and when she used to say it she was right. I do… apologize too much, I know it myself and I try hard not to. It’s just too easy to do so, it’s too easy to blame myself for everything…”

“I feel that, despite how harsh she could be that sometimes Soryu did have a point regarding us all.”

Shinji nods, “Yeah… Do… Do you miss her Rei? I know you two never really got along.”

“Yes I do. I would have liked to have had the opportunity to know her better and perhaps be her friend. I regret how cold I was towards her in the past and I think I would have liked to correct that. The truth is I did come to admire Soryu in a number of ways, I admired her strength, her fierceness and her compassion.”

“I know what you mean, she always had a way of getting us fired up and… she always made sure to include everyone.”

“Yes, I was always appreciative of that.” I reply to him, “At first I found her attempts to pull me into the group irritating but… I look back on it fondly. I now appreciate those moments.”

“Yeah… Do you… Do you think she is alright?”

“I do. Wherever Soryu is now I believe she is doing fine.”

Shinji bows his head, “I hope so Rei, she deserves to be happy.”

That feeling of guilt, the lead in my soul continues to weigh down heavily on my heart as I hear Shinji speak. Yet I can do nothing about it, all I can do is sit there and pretend I don’t know anything about Asuka or her current condition. I have to pretend that I don’t know that she misses him as much as he misses her. I have to replace the ‘I know’ and ‘She is’ with ‘I believe’ and ‘I hope.’

I'm sorry Shinji, I have not been a good sister to you.

**Kaworu Nagisa**

**Berlin – Late Evening**

I try to keep my eyes on the large screen as my fingers press down on the controllers trigger and the car continues to drive forward. It moves down a large dip in the road and starts to gain speed, I slow it just enough in order to take the next sharp corner. As it turns the corner I watch as the back of the car starts to spin out, I try to remember the advice I’ve read for this and adjust for it. I’m able to get it back under control and the car now drives forward on a long straight.

I keep on driving it forward, being careful to watch my speed knowing that I can’t make any mistakes. On screen it drives through a large puddle and little droplets of water splash up onto the games camera and partially obscures my view. I allow myself a quick glance at the minimap, just one more corner and I’ll be finished.

Finally the car crosses the finish line and I feel a genuine sense of accomplishment. My results flash up on screen, third place, whilst I did not win it is still much better than I did when I first bought the game. I lean forward and sit the controller down on my coffee table. I let out a soft groan as I feel a twinge in my ribs, a reminder of what happened to me only a couple of hours ago.

The game goes back to the main title screen and I contemplate having another race but I decide against it. I instead look towards my hallway nervously, hoping that Asuka will return to me soon. She said that she would try to be as quick as possible but we found that getting her a taxi back to her place on this particular night was difficult.

Naturally my mind jumps directly to the worst case scenarios. What if she too has been attacked as I was? I wonder if maybe I should have gone with her but my condition would not allow it. I did offer but she was very forceful in telling me that I had to stay here and rest. I did not wish to argue with her.

My mind jumps to another scenario, what if she doesn’t come back? What if what has happened has reminded her of what it is I was and she has turned her back on me. I would not blame her and yet I really hope that is not what has happened. I am thankful for her friendship and adore her company. Whilst the circumstances of our being brought together tonight were not how I would have liked them to be I find myself glad that she is here.

I cast that second thought out of my mind. If Asuka had no intention of returning she would not have took a copy of the key to the apartment. Nor would she have said she would return. I do not believe Asuka would be the sort to break such a promise. Yet without her here now I start to feel the fear and vulnerability set in.

Worst of all I am beginning to feel that I deserved what happened to me. I feel that those people were right in attacking me and that maybe I actually deserved worse. I let out a sigh and bring my feet up onto the couch hugging my knees to my chest. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes once more. I dislike this fear and pain so much and I dislike the voice I my head telling me what I deserve it even moreso.

I do not want to feel this way anymore. I want to believe Asuka and Fuyutsuki when they say to me that my actions all those years ago weren’t all my fault. I want to believe them when they say that I was a victim but I don’t feel like I was a victim. I can still remember everything, I can remember each and every thought I had on that day, the day I betrayed my first ever friend and tore their world apart.

I remember thinking that humanity had reached its natural conclusion, that it was no longer worthy of this world and time for them to move on and be replaced. I can remember thinking that because that is what they told me. They told me that humanity had to die and I believed it. I believed it right up until I saw Lilith in that chamber. Then I knew… I knew I was little more than a puppet and that all there was for me was death. Yet I embraced it because death would be my escape, an end to the risk I posed those people and an end to the loneliness I felt being the soul being of my kind.

I’m snapped from my thoughts by a sudden noise from the hallway. I jump in fright and hug my knees closer to my chest as the door opens. A moment later Asuka calls out to me, “I’m back, sorry I took so damn long. Took me a while to find my stuff and then the damn taxi refused to wait so I had to call Fuyutsuki to send a car for me and…”

Asuka stops herself in mid-sentence as she enters the room and looks across at me huddled on the sofa. I’m aware of how pathetic I must look but she makes no comment about it. Instead she drops the backpack and makes her way to the sofa and puts an arm around my shoulder. I feel instantly calmed by her warm touch.

From there I see her look up at the screen, my results are still there and she smiled, “Third place! You’re getting better Kaworu, still a huge distance from my lap times but definitely better than when you first started! I mean that video you sent me was hilarious.”

I let my legs drop to the ground and groan as my ribs ache again. I smile as I turn to her, “I admit I am enjoying the console but I am having some difficulty in adjusting to the games. That video… was not my proudest moment.”

“No but making a car do that many flips is an achievement all on its own.” Asuka laughs.

“I am finding that I like this game, it is difficult in places but not overly so to put me off or frustrate me. I am able to easily learn at my own pace and do not feel pressure to succeed. I find that with the shooting games I am struggling to adapt to the control methods, moving the character and camera at the same time is a struggle. That other game you recommended I am having a lot of difficulty progressing in. I have made to a… boss character I believe they are called but it kills me instantly. It is frustrating because with each death I seem to lose any progress I have made.”

Asuka smirks and nods, “Well I did think that one might be a bit difficult but it is one that everyone should play. You just need to be patient with it, try to watch what the boss does and adjust for it. There are always patterns to the attacks and ways of countering it. As far as the progress goes, well you are spending the points you earn when you kill enemies right?”

I offer her only a blank stare and she shakes her head and sighs, “I should have known! I’ll have to show you how it’s done won’t I?”

“I… Would appreciate that.”

“Well don’t expect me to do it for you! I’ll show you my recordings and give you advice whilst you play. You’re not going to improve unless you do it yourself!”

I can’t help but smile at her offer, “That sounds like fun.”

Asuka then picks up the controller from the coffee table and shoots me another smile as she sets up a track for herself. I can see that the track seems to be one of the more advanced ones in the game, to go alongside it she picks one of the faster cars.

“Now, you watch and learn Kaworu. I’ll show you how this is done!”

A little under ten minutes later Asuka crosses the finish line of the track managing to get a time that not only has her in first place but also in the top 250 on the online leaderboards. She triumphantly sets the controller back down and grins, “See, nothing to it! That’s how you win a race, patience, smooth driving and no mistakes!”

Whilst Asuka says there was nothing to it I could see quite clearly there was a lot to it and I dread to think how I would fare on that track. I watched it as Asuka skilfully navigated a large number of difficult and sharp turns with ease, looked on as she went through the water hazards and up and down banks without it even affecting her.

At the same time my eyes were not entirely glued to the screen. I couldn’t help it but every now and then I would find myself glancing towards Asuka. She is, in all honesty such a beautiful person. I can’t help but feel fortunate to have encountered her and struck up this friendship. She has such a kind soul despite all the pain I know she has suffered. She radiates an aura of confidence that only serves to empower me.

I feel so safe around her as well. With her here I feel like nothing can harm me. She is wonderful. I’m snapped away from my thoughts of Asuka by a sudden knock at the door. Once again I jump in fright and I feel redness in my cheeks as I quickly pull my eyes away from Asuka.

She leaps up from the sofa, “That’ll be the food we ordered! Be back in a second.”

Asuka gets up and I find my eyes tracking her as she moves into the passageway to answer the door. My eyes wander all the way down her body and I feel the blush in my cheeks increasing. I try to hastily think about something else than her figure. The more I try the more I can’t help it, I feel a strange sort of giddiness in my stomach that I’ve only ever felt once before when thinking about someone.

A second later I’m hit with that feeling of guilt. I shouldn’t be looking at Asuka’s figure in such a way or thinking of her like that. I shouldn’t be thinking about what it would be like to hold her in my arms. I shouldn’t be thinking about what it might feel like to kiss her lips. I definitely shouldn’t be thinking about other rogue thoughts that threaten to sneak in there.

Thankfully she returns a few seconds later balancing a few large boxes in her hands and with a bottle of something tucked under her arm. I am eagerly anticipating this meal and I can feel my mouth begin to water as the smell from the food infiltrates my nostrils.

Asuka was somewhat shocked to learn I have not sampled pizza yet. She insisted on ordering from a place she knows, she also insisted on paying. I did try to tell her I would not mind paying but Asuka was very forceful. I did not argue.

As Asuka sets the boxes down on the coffee table and goes to grab some glasses from the kitchen I look at the feast waiting for us and wonder if maybe I was wrong about music. Perhaps this ability to order delicious food and have it delivered to your home is the height of human culture.

She returns and we begin to enjoy our food and spend the rest of the night playing games and enjoying ourselves. She shows me how to defeat that boss I was having difficulty with and we play each other a few times on the football game I bought. I even manage to win a couple of matches.

Before long I feel tiredness creep over me and I excuse myself to go to bed. I find a spare duvet and pillows and give them to Asuka before thanking her and bidding her goodnight. I’m about to enter my bedroom when she wishes me goodnight and hugs me, she tells me she hopes I sleep well.

As I drift off to sleep that night I find myself cuddling my duvet tight to my chest trying to recapture the feeling of being hugged my Asuka. It is a peculiar feeling to know that what started as one of the most horrific and terrifying nights of my life has somehow managed to change into one of the best. Tonight, I do not feel the guilt and fear I usually do when I try to fall asleep. Instead I feel calm and peaceful as I think of the girl sleeping in the room next to mine.

\---

**Asuka Langley Soryu**

I find myself walking down a street, one I haven’t walked down in many years. One that in all honesty shouldn’t exist anymore and the clothes I’m wearing are ones that I shouldn’t be wearing. Yet here I am in the uniform of the Tokyo-3 Junior High School. I continue to walk down the deserted street towards my destination. Why am I here? Where is everybody?

I round the corner and see the school gates in front of me. Finally I can see people but I freeze upon recognizing exactly who they are. Panic rises up in my chest, it’s Kaworu and... and… that boy. They’re stood facing one another and talking. They’re talking and smiling and laughing and joking with one another. They both look so happy, happier than I’ve ever seen them.

I take a step back feeling something else rising up inside of me. It’s like a churning in my stomach but not one that makes me feel sick. No it’s worse somehow, it’s jealousy. Jealousy that I’m watching these two people talking so nonchalantly and I’m not there with them. Jealousy that I’m watching Kaworu take Shinji’s hand and slowly raising it to his lips.

I try to walk forward but my legs feel heavy. There is nothing but pain as I slowly drag one leg forward. I have to reach them in time. I need to talk to them both but what am I going to say?

_‘You’re going to tell them what you think of them of course!’_

I hear the girl next to me call out. I try to ignore her.

_‘Look at them both, both the objects of your desire. You one you ran away from and the one you’re going to run away from.’_

“No… No I’m not.” I reply, “I’m not going to run away from him.”

I keep on trying to move forward but my legs, they hurt so goddamn much. Why am I feeling this pain?

_‘Yes you are. Of course you are because that’s what you have to do. If you don’t you know what’ll happen. You’ll just hurt him, same as you did to Shinji. You’re no good for him.’_

I shake my head, it isn’t like that. It isn’t like that at all. I’m his friend, I want to be his friend. I don’t want to hurt him, I won’t hurt him! I promise I won’t!

I keep on moving forward, painfully dragging myself forward trying to get to the two of them. They’re still stood there talking and laughing. Shinji has his arms around Kaworu’s neck now and I feel that churning increase.

_‘You long for that don’t you. Long for either one of their embrace but you can’t have it. You ran away from him, you can’t even bring yourself to speak his name can you? You can’t even think his name! It’ll be exactly the same for Kaworu, you’ll hurt him and you’ll run away!’_

I’m about to reach the gates when I hear the bell ring. I try to shout out to the pair of them, my mouth opens as I try to speak Kaworu’s name but no words come out. I then try in desperation to say his name but I can’t. I don’t deserve to speak either of their names. I stop and watch in despair as the two of them walk towards the school hand in hand. There is nothing I can do but stand there propping myself up against the gate.

As I watch I hear a strange noise. I hear three clicks followed by a loud crack, I turn around and see the version of me who has been taunting me stood there. She’s wearing a chef’s hat now and carrying a bowl in which she’s just cracked a number of eggs into it.

_‘Good morning Asuka!’_

\---

My eyes slowly open as dream fades away. I feel the sting of tears in my eyes and for some reason I can still feel that churning in my stomach. It was a dream, it was all just another goddamn dream in which I come out of it feeling horrible. Another dream in which I see him and can’t even speak to him or get close to him only now Kaworu seems to have made an appearance too.

I take a few calming breaths and lay still. My eyes flicker around the space in front of me, I’m in Kaworu’s front room. I’m safe and lying on his sofa. In front of me is a coffee table with boxes of pizza and empty glasses. I’m not… I’m not a bad person and I’m not… going to run away. I’m Kaworu’s friend, I promised I’d be there for him and he isn’t going to abandon me.

A second later my nostrils are hit by an array of pleasant smells. I hear a noise from the kitchen and suddenly sit up and look towards the source of the sound. I see the light is on and Kaworu is stood there looking over a number of pans, breakfast ingredients set out over the counters. I suppose… that explains the eggs.

“K-Kaworu…” I rub my eyes as I call out to him, “What are you doing?”

Kaworu slowly turns around and shoots me a smile. I try to smile back at him but in my tired state it turns into a yawn. From here I can still see the effects of the attack last night. I was able to clean up as much as I could and some of the swelling as gone down. He looks rough but it’s an improvement over last night. His smile though, his smile seems as sweet as it did when I first saw it.

“My apologies Asuka, I did not wake you, did I?” He finally says.

I shake my head, in truth he did but I’m thankful that he did, I didn’t want to see how that dream would have panned out, “No. I was just waking up anyway.”

He turns away for a moment to monitor something in one of the frying pans. Just at that moment I spot some toast pop up out of the toaster. One by one I start to identify the various smells coming from the kitchen and my stomach growls in response. At the same time I can’t help but frown at him as I watch him limp over to the toaster.

“I thought I told you to rest!” I try to sound commanding but let out another yawn as I finish my sentence, “I said I’d handle things!”

Kaworu lowers his head and smiled back at me, “I know but I would not feel right you doing everything for me and also, I wanted to repay your kindness in some way. I have heard that breakfast in bed is seen as a kind gesture among humans and thought you would appreciate it. I am unable to do many things but cooking is something that I feel I am competent at.”

I face reddens at his words, he was going to make me breakfast in bed. He was actually going to the effort of doing that for me. All I can do is mumble under my breath, “Idiot… You don’t need to repay me for anything.”

I sit on the sofa and watch him moving around the kitchen and I feel myself smiling as I do so. He seems content and happy to be doing this. He seems at peace, just as he did last night when we were playing games together. As I watch him I begin to feel that butterfly like churning in my stomach again only this time it isn’t jealousy, it’s something else entirely and something that should feel nice.

Except it doesn’t feel nice because it frightens me. I shouldn’t be allowed to feel this because I can never be that person for anyone. I can never be that person who likes someone and lets them like me back because of who I am.

I turn away and sit back on the sofa shaking my head. As I do so Rei’s warnings enter my mind as well. She warned me to stay away from Kaworu because he is dangerous but it isn’t me who should be afraid of him. It’s the other way around. Only I can’t leave now, I made a promise and I’m not going to break that promise.

I need to speak to someone but my options are limited to two people. Kaworu or Rei, neither of which seem like good candidates for this conversation. I turn again to see Kaworu is finishing putting things out on the plate and he looks over, “I’m nearly finished do you want me to bring it over to you or shall we eat over here?”

I shake my head, “Over there please, I’ll just be a moment.”

I ignore the previous thoughts. I can’t focus on things like this on an empty stomach, I’ll eat and enjoy today and then figure out what to do. I start to stand up off of the sofa and as I do I look over towards the lone chair and spot a piece of plain red fabric hanging off of it that looks suspiciously like my nightshirt. I gaze at it again, it is my nightshirt.

I lift up the duvet that is wrapped around me and look down to see my exposed breasts and stomach and look back at the nightshirt in horror. I remember what happened now, I woke up in the middle of the night and was too hot. I forgot where I was and removed my shirt throwing it onto the chair. I think about what happened to Kaworu in my apartment and realize something, the universe hates us.

I know the easy thing to do would be to just ask him to get it for me, I know that'd be so simple but I also can't do that. I may as well expose myself to him by doing that, would seem like the same thing. I try to ignore the voice in my head that urges me to expose myself to him. That'd it'd be only fair after what I got to see the other week. I can almost imagine the Asuka from my dream taunting me.

_'Go ahead and let him see all of you. You know he's going to like it, you saw him stealing glances at you all of last night. You know he likes you, don't you think he'd appreciate getting to see that?'_

I tell myself to shut up and start to stretch my hand out towards the chair whilst also using the other one to keep the duvet wrapped around my topless body. Please don't fall, please don't slip, please just let me grab the damn top and put it on. Please don't let him see me.

My hand edges closer to the fabric and my fingertips graze the soft material. I did it! I won! I begin to triumphantly grasp the material and then it happens. I feel myself lose balance. My hand around the duvet slips and I snatch at it to keep my modesty in check. My other hand however falls to the ground. I stifle a yelp as it hits the floor with a thud.

I freeze in place as I hear Kaworu's footsteps, "Is everything okay?"

I quickly fire back, "Fine! I'm fine, breakfast smells great. Is it nearly ready?"

Please turn around, please turn around, please turn around.

"I'm just putting it out now. Will be a minute."

I quickly glance and see he has turned his back, now is my opportunity. I grab the shirt from the floor and throw it on as quick as I can. I'm covered, I can face him now! I cast the duvet aside and brush the hair from my face and stand up. I still feel somewhat strange being in this state in front of Kaworu. I'm not used to exposing this much flesh to people but the nights are so warm I'm hardly going to wear my winter pyjama's

Still I am at least covered up where it counts. All he is going to see is most of my legs and he can't exactly see my chest unless he really makes an effort to look down my shirt. Something I'm fairly sure Kaworu won't be doing.

I walk over to the kitchen and stand beside the counter top with one of the plates on it. Kaworu just finishes placing the sausages on the plate and after putting the pan in the sink he turns to look at me. He starts off smiling but then I see a confused look spread across his face. I look at his eyes and they're not looking at my face, they're lower but not on the plates. They're focused on my chest, he wouldn't... be so obvious, would he?

"Kaworu... What are you staring at?" I start to raise my voice, ready to call him a pervert for being so obvious but then he looks back up at me.

"N-Nothing it's just... Your top is..."

I look down and then I see the issue. I look back at Kaworu and my mouth opens and closes akin to a goldfish. In my haste to not get spotted I seem to have put my top on back to front, I'd feel less embarrassed if I did just flash my damn tits at him now. Our awkward silence goes on for a few moments longer.

"Excuse me." I say politely as I excuse myself to go to the bathroom and correct my mistake. All the time resisting the urge to slam my foot against the wall.

The universe hates me.

\---

**Rei Ayanami**

I feel those nerves build up in the pit of my stomach as I hold the phone in my hands and scroll to her name. I still haven't quite worked out what I'm going to say to her yet. I want to ask her about telling Shinji and Misato that she is alive and well. I do not know if I can do this though, I fear what her reaction will be.

I'm certain she'll be angry with me, she'll tell me that to do that would be betraying her and by wanting to do this I suppose I am betraying her. Asuka has been through so much pain in her life and she only made one request of me as a friend. It seemed like a simple promise to make and keep at first but now I am realizing that I cannot keep it any longer.

At the same time, I am hoping that maybe she will understand why it is I have to do this. With Nagisa reappearing as he has done it has complicated things and it has hurt Shinji. It has made me realize that by keeping this secret I too am hurting Shinji. All he wants to know is that Asuka is alright, I am sure that would help him.

Perhaps if I told them that Asuka is alive and well but also tell her of her desire to stay away until she is ready they will understand. I do not think either would do something so drastic as to go and seek her out. With that said, that is what I did and Misato and Shinji have much more of an attachment to her than I did.

My other fear is as to how Shinji will react. I have been keeping this secret from him for nearly three years, I could have told him at any time and I didn't. I knew all along of the feelings he had for her and the feelings she had for him. I have kept them apart from one another when I could have done so much more. Will my brother be angry with me? Will he hate me for what I have done?

I let out a sigh as my thumb finally presses the call button and the phone starts to dial Germany. A few moments later she answers and I hear a surprisingly happy voice, _"Hallo! Rei, I didn't expect to hear from you, how are you doing?"_

"I am doing well, thank you. How are you?"

_"I'm good."_

I'm about to say something else to her but then I hear something in the background. At first, I think it could be that Asuka has left her television on and I'm hearing whatever show it is she has on. A second later I hear Asuka speak, _"I'll be back in a few moments, I'm just going to take this phone call."_

There is the sound of movement from the other end of the phone, followed by the sounds of a door closing, _"Sorry about that!"_

I pause for a moment to think about the reason for my phonecall. Asuka has someone there with her, I did not expect that to have happened. Perhaps now is not the best time for this. I should maybe have expected this to happen. Asuka is busy at the moment finishing her second book, I expect she must have things to do and meetings with others.

"No, I apologize. I did not realize you had company. If I did I would not have called you. I can call you back if it is important."

_"Not at all! It's not important, I'm just... with a friend and we're playing some games together, that’s all!"_

It is a... friend? I feel a small pang of jealousy at hearing that but I quickly force it away. I did not realize Asuka had other friends in Germany, she does not speak of knowing anyone else there and yet it does make sense. She has been there for a few years.

It seems that my decision has been made for me, I will not speak to Asuka about that matter at this moment in time. I would not wish to upset her when she is with others. Instead I'm about to ask her how her week has been when she speaks.

 _"Actually... Rei, I was going to call you later."_ She lets out a sigh, _"There is something I wanted to talk to you about."_

I raise an eyebrow out of curiosity, it is unlike Asuka to reach out to me to talk about something. Usually I have to pry things out of her. I sit down on the edge of my bed, "You can talk to me about anything, you know that."

"I know but I think... you might be angry at me for this." She pauses again, "The Friday after you left to go back to Japan... I... I visited Nagisa."

I was certainly not prepared to hear those words from her. I try to not make any sound but feel my hand clench itself into a fist, my nails digging into my palm. I try to not be angry with her, I try to not be angry because I am sure there is a reasonable explanation.

I just do not understand how, after all my warnings, after all I told her about just who and what Nagisa was! How could she have just ignored me like that. It seems so typical of her, so foolish of her, why would she do such a thing?

She couldn't have even known that he was human when she made that decision. She must have known the risk she was putting herself in.

 _"You're mad at me, aren't you?"_ Asuka asks me.

"No!" I reply bluntly not doing a very good job of hiding my anger.

 _"Heh."_ Asuka laughs, _"You know... I don't blame you, considering who he is and what you told me you have every reason to be."_

"Why did you visit him?" I ask her, "I warned you about him and what he was. I do not understand why you would put yourself at risk like that."

 _"Because I'm Asuka Langley Soryu of course!"_ She replies in a mocking tone, _"Because I can handle myself and take care of myself. Because I've never been good at taking advice that is good for me and... I was curious about him. I saw him run away from me Rei, I had to know why he was terrified of me and I had to know what he was for myself. I had to... You know what, I don't know the full reason myself, I just did!"_

As she says these things my brain makes a sudden yet bizarre leap. That voice I heard previously, the male friend she has over. It could not be... could it? He couldn’t possibly be there right now, could he? Such an event seems... inconceivable. I can understand her need to satiate her curiosity but further interaction with Nagisa would be a move ill-fitting my friend.

"What did you find out?" I ask her, no longer making an attempt to hide my annoyance.

_"I found out he's terrified Rei, he's scared of everything. He was terrified of me and he barely even knew who I was. I was nothing more than a name on a file he had read and yet he was terrified of me."_

"Good, he has every reason to be afraid of you." I reply, "Especially now that he is human, he knows people can hurt him."

_"You knew about that?"_

"Misato spoke to Fuyutsuki about him reappearing. We found out when Nagisa returned and why he is in Germany."

_"Yeah... Fuyutsuki helped him out... Does... Well does your brother know about him?"_

My mind goes back to my earlier conversation with Shinji and his reaction to Kaworu's return. Shinji seems to be alright now. I heard him playing the cello earlier and he seemed to be happy during dinner. I will check on him after this phone call.

"I told him earlier today."

_"I see, how... did he take it?"_

"He took it hard." I'm honest with her, "What happened with Nagisa hurt him badly, not just because of what Nagisa did but because of what Shinji was forced to do. You remember I told you about that?"

_"Yes... He had to kill Nagisa I..."_

"I will protect Shinji from Nagisa, I do not wish to see my brother hurt like that again."

_"I understand Rei it's just... I don't think... Nagisa is as you think he's... terrified of the world and barely knows how to live he..."_

She pauses as she tries to search for the right words, finally she speaks again, "He's not that different to us Rei."

On hearing her say that I feel my anger rise in my chest. How can Asuka say such a thing to me when she knows, she knows exactly what Nagisa did to my brother? She knows what Shinji went through and she knows what Kaworu did. How can she think that Nagisa is in any way similar to any of us?

"Nagisa is very different to us!" I reply, "He was aware of what he was and what he was doing. He could have stopped himself, it was all within his power. If he has told you otherwise it is a lie Asuka! He is the enemy."

\----

**Asuka Langley Soryu**

I hear Rei raise her voice at me down the phone and all I can do is stare at it in quiet amazement. A part of me wants to laugh at hearing an irate Rei Ayanami. I don’t laugh though because this isn’t a laughing matter. I feel a queasiness in my stomach as I wonder how I’m going to explain the rest of what has happened regarding Kaworu to Rei. I don’t even know if I can or should, Rei is so protective of her brother and any threat to him.

It is difficult to blame her for that though, after the things that I put him through and the pain and suffering inflicted on him by others in his life she has to be. Not only that but she feels she owes her current life and happiness to him. I don’t blame her for seeing Kaworu as a threat and someone who would hurt Shinji.

I know the things Kaworu did were wrong but the difference is I’ve actually spoken to him and Rei hasn’t. I’ve listened to him tell me about his upbringing and what he was made to believe under SEELE. Yes, Kaworu did bad things but we all did bad things back then and we’re all paying for it now. I know that more than anyone else.

I do feel like telling her this now was a mistake. She’s probably had a rough ride dealing with her brother and it isn’t exactly easy to hold this conversation with Kaworu sat in the other room but I feel she deserves to know. If I’m going to be Kaworu’s friend then I need to tell her that and try to get her to give him a chance.

The truth is I need her to be my best friend through this too because I’m finding the more time I spend with him the more I’m starting to have other feelings too. It’s only been two weeks since I’ve met him but being around him just… makes me smile, it makes me happy and I feel comfortable around him.

Also… I do find him attractive. His eyes show so much emotion and I feel like I could get lost staring into them. He has a cute little smile when he laughs and the look on his face when he played piano, the way his fingers glided across the piano keys was wonderful.

I shake my head trying to stop those thoughts for a moment, I need to deal with the friendship thing first.

“Look Rei, I… I know you don’t like him and I don’t blame you. Those things you said about him though, about him not being trustworthy and him hurting others, him being away of what he was doing? He could have stopped at any time? Rei… Take away the part about him being an Angel and who does that sound like?”

I hear Rei sigh in annoyance, _“That is completely different Asuka, you were-“_

“I was a traumatized teen with a fucked up childhood. I had a father who couldn’t give a shit about me and a step-mother who tried but I didn’t want to know. I grew up believing I was better than everyone else and I was horrible to you all. I lashed out at everyone, it didn’t matter who it was, you… Misato and yes… your brother most of all. I was a horrible person Rei. If people know the truth about me… what do you think they would say?”

She pauses again, _“I understand what you are saying yet I do not see how his situation mirrors yours. Besides you have already expressed guilt for your situation and we know why you acted in such a way. You have apologized for it.”_

“So has he Rei, he feels horrible about what he was and what he did, he apologized to me and to the people in the facility. I spoke to him, I found out about what sort of childhood he had, SEELE raised him just so that he could die. They kept him isolated from the outside world and told him nothing but how bad humans were.”

_“That is… unfortunate. I… was unaware of any of this, you have remained in contact with him then?”_

“Yes… Rei… I spent the night at his apartment last night.”

 _“You what? I did not think you were inte-”_ Her voice gets higher and I can only imagine what is running through her mind.

“Not like that!” I hastily stop her, “I got a phonecall yesterday from Fuyutsuki… Kaworu had been attacked, the people who were supposed to protect him got him outside his apartment. I was Kaworu’s only friend so I spent the night here and looked after him. He needed a friend Rei… But… I had to tell you because you deserve to know about him too.”

There is another long pause, _“Was he hurt badly?”_

“They bust his nose, gave him a black eye and kicked every other part of him. Nothing was broken but it didn’t help his fear of people.”

_“I see. I am… Sorry for what has happened to him then, if he is as you say than he does not deserve that. I… I apologize that I cannot yet feel good about this situation, there are things I need to figure out.”_

“I know.” I reply, “I just… He seems like a victim too in this and he shouldn’t be alone.”

I hear what sounds like a small chuckle from the other end of the phone, _“This is proof then, that you are not the bad person that you think you are Asuka.”_

I feel myself blush, “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

_“That you constantly berate yourself and tell me you are not a good person, yet you are looking after this person you have no reason to like or trust. You… saw past that which others such as myself cannot yet see past. You are a good person.”_

“I’m just trying to help him.”

_“I know and I apologize again that I cannot feel good about this but perhaps with more time and when I am certain he will not hurt anyone I may do so. I would like you to look after him though and Asuka…”_

“Yes?”

_“If he does hurt you… I will be in Germany to hunt him down.”_

I can’t help but laugh but also feel slightly afraid that perhaps Rei isn’t joking. Before I say my goodbye I realize there is something I want to say to Rei, “Rei… before I go I… I have no right to ask you to do this and no right to say his name but please… I know how much he must be hurting right now and he needs people so… Look after Shinji.”


	6. Telephone Line

**6 th September 2021**

**Asuka Langley Soryu – Berlin**

**Early morning.**

I open the door into my apartment step straight through into the living room, on looking around I can see it's exactly the same as it was when I left it on Friday evening. The same dirty plates have been left out on the coffee table, one of my controllers has been left on the sofa along with my laptop, the entire place looks... lived in and yet as I push the laptop and controller aside it feels remarkably empty.

There was actually a part of me that didn't want to come back to this place after the weekend. That small part of me wanted to stay at Kaworu's place but I had work to do here. Besides which Kaworu also had to return to work, Fuyutsuki did offer him the week off due to the attack but Kaworu insisted on going back in. I can't say I blame him for that, I'd have been the same.

I suppose I'll at least be thankful for being back in my own bed tonight. Kaworu's sofa was comfortable but I don't think I'd be able to handle too many nights on it. I suppose there is always his... No, I can't think that sort of thing. I mustn't think that, I can't let myself think of feel those sorts of things.

That is another reason as to why I had to return. Over the course of yesterday and even this morning I've been having slightly more thoughts about Kaworu in certain ways. I had to get away from there because I can't allow myself to feel those things for him, befriending him was an accident but I can't let that go too far. He'll just end up being hurt.

Yet, every time I try to remind myself of that the thoughts become more intrusive and vivid. They start off innocent enough. We might be sitting on the sofa and playing a game together but then we'll be holding hands or holding one another. Strangely it always seems to be Kaworu who is cuddling into me and not the other way around, I suppose even in my fantasies I have to be the dominant one.

Today those thoughts shifted again. We weren't holding each other on the sofa but in his bed. We weren't just cuddling but we were kissing as well, passionately and deeply. I could feel him, I could feel all of him. It made my bus ride home very uncomfortable.

I keep on trying to tell myself that it means absolutely nothing, my mind is just working overtime because of the strange situation I find myself in. It's affect anyone if an attractive stranger like Kaworu suddenly came into your life in such a way. Here is this person who I know nothing about yet shares a history with me and my past. He enjoys and can play the music I also like, he is well spoken and very handsome. Yet he also needs help and is similar to me in many ways, of course that is going to affect me.

The time we spent together has hardly been normal either. Who would blame me for the first meeting? I was curious and wanted to know more about him. I wanted to know how someone could have upset Rei so much and why he was scared of me. This weekend I was just being a good friend. He had been hurt by the people who promised to protect him, how could I not be there for him. So, all in all my mind acting the way it does makes sense.

Besides I barely know the guy, I can't have any feelings for someone I barely know. He doesn't even know me yet, if he did then he would have continued to run from me. If he knew me then he'd know that I can't offer him anything good friendship or otherwise, all I can offer is myself, and I'm not worth anything.

The dream I had last night hasn't helped either. It involved Kaworu and Shinji again. It was not the same as the first one, I didn't witness them together without me but instead I was with the two of them. It was early morning I think and we were all lying in a bed together. I had one on either side of me and we were all so warm and happy. It was strange but it felt like the three of us were pieces that completed some bizarre puzzle.

It's been a very long time since I've thought of Shinji in such a way. I never stopped having feelings for him after I left Japan but I tried to suppress them. It's why I went so long without uttering his name. That's changed now, I said his name to Rei and the floodgates are now open once again. Shinji... Shinji... Shinji, Shinji, Shinji... Stupid idiot Shinji!

I can’t help the sad smile that comes to my lips as my mind wanders to the image of Shinji. Rei has told him that Kaworu is alive now, I imagine he’ll have taken the news about it hard. Rei will take care of him though. Rei knows what to do, she’s come a hell of a long way from the girl she used to be. The girl that I berated and called a doll.

I wonder what they’re doing right now, I wonder what he is doing right now. Rei mentioned he is playing the cello again, I wonder if he is playing that now? I wonder what he sounds like on it. When I heard him many years ago I really liked what I heard, I know little of how to play an instrument, it’s the one thing my brilliant self never got around to trying. I was focused on my studies and my Eva piloting, maybe I should take up an instrument one day.

I’d like to hear Shinji play. I should ask Rei to record him playing for me so I can hear it. I know she’ll disapprove of it or… maybe I should just reach out to him myself. Maybe I should just let him know I’m alive and well. I know I have to do it eventually, I can’t let Rei keep that secret forever but I don’t know if I’m ready.

No… It’s not that I’m not ready, it’s that I’m scared. Scared of hurting him again but so damn scared of being hurt. Scared that he’ll have smartened up and seen who I really was. He’ll tell me the truth about myself. Tell me that I’m a horrible person and that he hates me. Tell me how much I hurt him and that he doesn’t want any part of me in his life.

Or maybe that wouldn’t happen. Maybe it’s just like Rei says and I’m not as horrible a person as I think I am. Maybe I can actually be friends with Shinji and Kaworu and not have to feel this goddamn guilt so much. This is why I didn’t want to be alone, because with Kaworu I could actually forget about it. I could make him my focus and I didn’t have to remember me for a change.

I can’t keep doing that though can I? I can’t just use Kaworu to prop myself up. Next time we meet there won’t be anything else behind it, no curiosity and no attack from others. It’ll be on our own terms but I don’t know if I can reach out to him. I’d like to see him again, I like being around him. I like talking to him about music and hearing what his plans are. We can play games together and just laugh and enjoy ourselves.

I’d like to continue being friends with him, I want to be friends with him. I want to be friends with Shinji again. Maybe we could all meet up together and get everything out. We can all scream and yell and cry at one another until we have nothing left. Maybe we could even… I shake my head, my minds wandered to that place again. I don’t know why I’m feeling so wound up, I’m not normally… I mean I do imagine things but I never usually feel like this. Then again I haven’t in a while, maybe I need to take care of it. I need a bath… a nice long hot bath to empty my mind of these thoughts.

**\---**

**Shinji Ikari**   
**Tokyo-2**

I approach the store and take a deep breath to calm my nerves, I can already hear the voice inside my head telling me how silly it is to be nervous about this.

_‘What are you? Stupid. They don’t know who you are, they’ve never heard of you! Why are you scared of them? Just go in there and get it done!’_

I nearly laugh and shake my head, it’s funny how the voice in my head who tries to push me to do something will take her form. I know it’s right as well, I know I have nothing to fear by going into the store. I grab a basket and pull out my list. I move into the store and try to ignore the feeling that the people are looking at me, that they know who I am and are going to say something to me.

I brush past them and move to get the first items on my list. I move into the vegetable aisle and start looking at the ones I need. I take my time examining each one trying to find the ones that are the best quality. When I’m satisfied with them I place them into the basket. I look down at the next thing I need when I hear a familiar voice calling out my name.

“Hey Shinji!”

My first instinct is to panic but instead I look up to see a smiling Hikari waving at me. I smile and wave back and move towards her, “Hikari!”

She bows her head politely towards me, “How are you doing?”

“I’m going well.” I reply to her as I pull a box of eggs down from the shelf. I open the lid to check the contents for any damage before setting them into the basket, “Are you and Touji okay?”

She nods, “Fine, Toji has a coaching session today. Don’t tell him I told you this but I reckon he was a bit nervous about it.”

“Oh really! That’s great!” I smile as she tells me the news, Toji since returning has been working towards becoming a PE teacher. It’s quite a turnaround for someone like Toji who never really shown any interest in school but he really wants to do it.

“It is, I heard you’re taking cello lessons too!”

I nod, “Y-Yeah! I have another lesson this afternoon actually.”

I feel myself tense up when I remember my lesson this afternoon. Today is the day that I was going to give me answer about joining up with the group. I still don’t know what I’m going to do. With all that has happened I never got a chance to discuss it with Rei and then the news about Kaworu pushed it out of my mind. Damnit, I’m such an idiot!

Hikari seems to notice my sudden discomfort, “Is everything okay?”

“Y-Yeah I just… I forgot that I was supposed to do something today and I still don’t know if I can do it.” I reply.

“Is this about that group thing?”

I nod, “Y-You knew about that?”

“Toji told me about it when he said you were taking lessons. So you haven’t made a decision on it yet?”

I shake my head, “No… Not yet, I don’t know what I should do.”

“Well, have you talked to other people?”

“I spoke to Misato and Rei briefly… I spoke to Toji and Kensuke and…”

“They just told you to do what you wanted to do right?”

I nod, “Yeah… Problem is I don’t know what I want to do. I just don’t want to let people down I suppose.”

“I don’t think there is any danger of you doing that but… I can see how people just saying do what you want won’t help.” She says as she smiles at me, “Do you like the idea of playing cello with others?”

I pause for a moment to think about it, the idea does appear to me. I enjoy playing the cello, I like it a lot and I can really lose myself in playing whatever music I’ve selected be it someone else’s or just improvisation. I guess it would be fun to play with others and have a conductor or even compose our own pieces. I just don’t know if I’m ready for that.

“I… I guess, I’ve never really done it before. When I first started it was just me and my tutor. My school didn’t have a music department and in Tokyo-3… I never really had the time. I just… I don’t know if I can, it’s hard enough for me to be here.”

“But you are here aren’t you?”

“I… I guess…”

“And how do you feel about it?”

“Well… A little bit scared.” I admit, “I just need to get used to it though, I know that.”

“It’s the same with that then. The people in here, they don’t know you just like the people in that group won’t. They’ll just see Shinji Ikari the cello player and a new member to their group. If the idea of playing in a group appeals to you then try it Shinji, push yourself and if you don’t like it then you can always leave but if you don’t try it then you’ll regret not trying.”

I let out a laugh and shake my head, “I know… I’ve been trying to tell myself that and I’ve been hoping someone will say it to me. Rei and Misato they…”

“Rei and Misato love you a lot Shinji, we all do but they have their own issues and I think they’re afraid of giving you a nudge sometimes.” Hikari explains, “You should do this, you said you’ve thought about it and the idea appeals to you. The only thing holding you back is your fear of the people there and just coming to the store that’ll get easier over time.”

I realize that Hikari is right, my fear of people is what is holding me back. The more I think about it the more I realize what I’m scared of is people recognizing me and what I was. I’m not scared of playing cello in front of people. I want to do that, I like the idea of doing that so I’m going to do it.

“You’re right. Thank you Hikari.”

\---

**Asuka Langley Soryu**

That was a mistake. That was a goddamn stupid mistake and I hate myself for it so much. Why did I even think I could do this? Did I seriously think I could just jump in here and get myself off like it was normal? Did I really think I could just lie back and think of those two without any problems? Of course not, I'm Asuka Langley Soryu, I can't even do that without messing it up.

It started off fine, the water was nice and warm and... well that started to feel good at first but then of course I had to start feeling the guilt. What the hell was I doing using their image to get myself off? I have no right to use their image for anything like that, most of all making myself feel good.

Then things got worse, I started to remember what I have done to Shinji in the past. I started to think about what Kaworu would say if he knew how horrible a person I was. Soon afterwards all the good feelings I had, the release that I craved had died away. It had been replaced only with a feeling of repulsion at myself and a desire to get out of there.

I glance at myself in self in the mirror as I button up my top. The scars on my body seem to be showing more prominently today. Two marks on my chest from where my Eva was impaled and the damage transferred to me. Strangely enough there was little scaring on my face, only what I see in nightmares. I quickly put my bra on and throw a shirt on over me to cover myself up.

I don't even glance back at the bath as I move into the front room, what a stupid idea. I should have known it wouldn't go well from the start. I never took well to baths, I've always taken showers but I thought lying back and indulging myself would be easier in the bath. I can't even remember the last time I took a bath properly. It must have been...

I try to cast my mind back and another unwanted image flashes into my mind. A delapidated house on the outskirts of a town, clothes folded up and left on a chair and a rusty bathtub with a naked shivering girl in it.

That was the last time I took a 'bath.' I feel sick.

I leave the bathroom behind and move into the front room throwing myself onto the couch. I quickly check my phone, I've had a message from Kaworu letting me know he is alright. I send him a quick message to let him know I'm home and working on the book.

I open my laptop but any desire to do work has been flushed out of me along with any other desire. I feel nothing but emptiness and anger at myself. I don't even feel clean right now, I just feel dirty and wrong. I slam the laptop lid shut in frustration. This isn't fair damnit, I was happy earlier!

\---

**13 th September 2021**

**Shinji Ikari**

**Tokyo-2**

I can feel the exhaustion as I open the door to the apartment and immediately set my cello case down on the ground. I give my sore arms and hands a little bit of time to recover from carrying the heavy instrument around before kicking my shoes off and announcing I'm home to the empty apartment. I pick up the case again and bring it through into the living room.

As I sit down on the sofa I feel something else within me besides the tiredness. It's a feeling I'm so unused to feeling, pride. I was actually able to do it, I was able to go out and meet with that group and not run away. For the past week that is what I've been telling myself would happen. For the past week I've been terrified of meeting them to the point that I even contemplated calling ahead this morning and saying I wouldn't be able to make it in.

I could run away from it though. I couldn't run away because I actually wanted to do it. I wanted to be there, ahead of tonight I was even having dreams about it. It seems so silly but I was dreaming that I was up on stage with other people. I was playing music with them and I was enjoying it so much. Hikari was right, the only thing holding me back was my fear of others, I did want to be there.

Even being there wasn't easy for me though. At first, I was barely able to speak, I was afraid to open my mouth for fear that I'd be sick. Our first task was to introduce ourselves and tell the others a little bit about ourselves. I managed to mumble out my name and tell them that I originally started playing cello over ten years ago but I hadn't played it much in the last five years.

The others started to introduce themselves afterwards. There was one moment of fear for me when one of the violin players in the group introduced themselves. They had lived in Tokyo-3 and had always played violin but started taking it more seriously after the Third Impact. Their dream was to compose and perform a piece dedicated to their son who had died during one of the Angel attacks.

From there the other members of the group introduced themselves on by one. There were about twelve of us in total. Two cellists, six violin players and four viola players. The youngest was a girl who played the violin, she seemed to be a year or two younger than I am, the older was a man in his early fifties.

After our brief introductions we were each asked to play a piece that we enjoyed or that meant something. I selected the Cello Suit No. 1 by Bach, it's a piece I play fairly often and feel I'm competent at. It was the first piece I pushed myself to try and learn on my own without a tutor asking me to and it is one I return to frequently.  I typically see it as a piece I enjoy but it is also a piece that has some strange memories associated with it, it was the one I played on the night of a particular incident.

After we each played a solo piece my tutor spoke to the group about what he would like to do with the group and plans for the future. He mentioned that he had a particular piece in mind that he would like to try to get us to learn for a performance later this year. For now, he would like to focus on getting us in sync with one another so will be running through some simple pieces next week.

After that the session was over and I returned home. I am exhausted but happy. I was so scared throughout the session that at any one moment one of them might recognize me. I was terrified on the way home that the same might happen but neither of those things happened. Perhaps I shouldn't fear that happening anymore, maybe if I do keep on pushing myself as I am doing I can get through this.

I reach for the remote control for the television when I hear a noise coming from the other side of the room. I look over and see a phone sat on one of the drawer units and let out a sigh. I bet Misato has left her phone here again, she's done that a few times lately. It's a good thing that we're watched twenty-four seven because if there was an emergency getting in contact with her would be a nightmare.

I stand up and grab the phone from the cabinet. Much to my surprise it isn't actually Misato's phone but it's Rei's. I look at the number on screen, Private Number, I contemplate letting it go to voice mail but wonder if maybe it's important. If it is I should at least take a message for Rei, I tap the button to answer, "Hello?"

\---

**Asuka Langley Soryu**

**Berlin – Early Morning**

The mouse cursor hovers over the sent button as I glance back up at the e-mail I've composed. I check the address bar and see his e-mail address wrote there. It is the same one that Rei gave me 'just in case.' I didn't think that I would ever need it, I'm still not completely sure I do now. What I've done was born out of a sudden urge.

For the past five years I've been able to avoid having any contact with him whatsoever. It seemed so easy to do as well. I just tried to avoid thinking about him where I could, even to the point where I couldn't even bring myself to utter his name. Recently it's become much harder to not think of him or say his name.

Shinji Ikari, the boy that I ran away from so many years ago. What are you like now Shinji? What do you look like and what do you sound like? Who are you now? Are you still meek and afraid like I knew you to be? Are you still kind and protective like I know you be? Do you still hate yourself like I hate myself? Do you still think about me like I think about you? Do you even still like me?

Shinji is of course not the only guy who has been occupying my thoughts as of late. Kaworu is a mainstay in both my thoughts and my dreams. I've been having more dreams of him and Shinji, the three of us together in different situations. It seems so stupid to dream of something like that. Yet something feels so right about it.

I wonder about what Shinji's life has been like since I left. I wonder if he has had a girlfriend or even a boyfriend in all that time. Rei mentioned he seemed to like Kaworu and wondered if maybe he liked him romantically. I wonder if maybe Shinji's love life has been similar to mine. He deserves someone good to love him.

I on the other hand tried to keep myself distant. My one sexual encounter was a one-night stand after getting drunk. I didn't regret it, it felt good enough but I wasn't exactly after anything longer than that. Any urges I have I'm fairly capable of handling myself. At least I was, after my last attempt when I thought of both of them I just find myself disgusted by the idea. How dare I use the image of two nice people to satisfy my own urges?

It seems so stupid, that's just what we do as people. I wouldn't exactly be offended if Kaworu had thought of me like that. It's just what happens, it's not like I've had a problem with thinking of people in the past. Then again, I'm still waiting for Kaworu to realize what a horrible person I really am.

I've been thinking recently that maybe I should just cut off contact with him. It'd be cruel but better for him in the long run to be rid of me. I haven't been able to do that though. I've not been messaging him first but I've been replying to the few messages he sends me and keeping up any conversation.

I do want to see Kaworu again, I want to hang out with him again. I really enjoyed the past two times but I don't have anything pushing me to do it this time. I've not got my curiosity to send me over there and I've not been summoned by an emergency. The next time I see him it'll be because I'm invited or I invite myself over and it'll just be me, Asuka Langley Soryu, the mess of a person. I can't put Kaworu through that.

Maybe I'll have an excuse tonight though if I'm able to do this. I feel like I need something or someone to distract me from it and maybe talking to him would help. At the same time, I wonder if it really would in this case. I know what Kaworu's feelings are when it comes to the subject of Shinji. He's terrified of Shinji and I can understand that. After all that happened between the two of them perhaps Kaworu has more reason to be afraid of Shinji than I do. Maybe I should have spoken to Kaworu about doing this first.

No, it isn't Kaworu I should have spoken to first, it's Rei. I should tell her about me doing this and let her prepare for the reaction. I should tell her that I'm about to release her from her burden of keeping that secret. I should let her know that she no longer has to worry about keeping our friendship secret.

Or maybe I shouldn't do any of that. Maybe I should just delete this whole goddamn e-mail to Shinji and continue the damn charade. I move the cursor away from the send button. I... I can't do this, I shake my head in frustration, I really can't do this. What am I expecting to get out of this? Friendship? After all I did to Shinji, I can't just waltz back in like this.

I save the e-mail into my drafts and pick up my phone. I am going to do one thing though, I'm going to call Rei. I need to speak to someone about what is happening to me. Maybe she can help me make sense of all of this.

I pick up my phone and select her name from the contact book. She should be free around this time, it's not too late over in Japan. The phone rings for a few moments and then finally someone answers. I'm about to speak when I'm suddenly stopped by another voice,  _'Hello?'_

Shinji...

My mouth goes dry instantly as I close it and try not to make any sound. A churning started up in my stomach as moments pass. He speaks again,  _'Hello?'_

I hold the phone away from me and stare at it in wide eyed fear. My entire body is shaking as I just sit on the edge of my sofa looking at the phone. Shinji is on the other end of the line. I can hear his voice clearly. I can... I... I can... I can't breathe.

 _'Hello? Is anyone there?'_ He speaks for a third time with a slight hint of annoyance in his voice. Around me everything seems to slow down. My thumb moves over to the button to end the call and it cuts off before I can hear him for a fourth time. I sit staring straight ahead in a trance like state and feel the phone fall out of my hands and land on the floor.

That was Shinji Ikari. Shinji answered Rei's phone for her. He... He was actually there on the other end of the line. That was actually his voice I heard.

I slowly rise to my feet and just stand still for a moment trying to picture what he must have looked like as he held her phone and spoke to me. I try to imagine the confusion or annoyance on his face as he was met by only silence. I wonder if he knew it was me? I can't think straight but I think Rei has me on her phone under a different name. I wonder if she really does though. What if he knows now? What if he figures it out? How could I have been so foolish to have called her like that. I should have known there was a chance of this happening.

I completely forgot the rules we had set down. I would text her first and then she would call me back. We said we would do this so that we could avoid a situation like this. I'm... I'm an idiot! I'm a damn fool!

I slowly start to come back to reality and I can feel something bubbling up inside of me. A familiar yet hated feeling, rage. My hands curl up into fists and I consider driving one of them into my legs in frustration. I manage to stop myself and instead reach for the closest object, a controller. I throw it full force towards the wall opposite me.

"IDIOT! IDIOT! IDIOT!" I scream out as I hear the sound of plastic smashing against the plaster of the wall. I see the controller break apart on impact and fall to the floor in pieces. I have nothing left to throw so instead I drive my fists repeatedly into the sofa shouting with each punch that lands. Finally, I collapse to my knees in exhaustion, my face leaning on the cushion. I can feel tears welling up in my eyes but I blink them away.

I am not going to cry over this damn it! I'm not going to cry! I'm not! I'm not! I'm not! Despite my protests I feel tears trickling down my cheeks as I just kneel and let it happen. Suddenly I hear my phone go off, I jump in fright and stare down anxiously at the phone. I quickly wipe away the tears and with trembling hands reach for the phone. I contemplate letting it go to voice mail but see that it is not from Rei's phone as I feared but instead Kaworu who is calling me.

Of all the times for him to actually call me, why does it have to be now when I'm in the middle of a breakdown? I should just ignore it and let it go to voice mail. I could do that but I can't do that. Instead I answer it and try to keep my voice steady, "H-Hello?"

_'Asuka, is everything okay?'_

Good job Asuka, that was convincing. Guess there was a reason you never did well in school plays.

"I'm fine!"

Even better, I go from sounding miserable and upset to snapping at him. Thankfully he doesn't seem to notice.

 _'Good, I am glad to hear that. Asuka, the reason I'm calling is... Well...'_ He trails off nervously which causes me to shift up a bit. I wonder if everything is alright with him,  _'I don't think... I've thanked you properly for the last few weeks. Your help and your friendship has been invaluable.'_

My hand tightens around my phone, "Idiot, don't worry about it! It's nothing, I'm just being a good friend."

He laughs but I feel my chest tightening. A good friend? Me? No, never, I could never be a good friend to someone, least of all to him. I have to get out of his, "Anyway, there is no need to thank me. Anyone would have done the same."

_'No, I do not believe they would Asuka. From what I have seen of being on this world few would go out of their way like you did. You... who had every reason to hate me because of who and what I was. You who... had no reason to help or be my friend. You... Well I wanted to thank you by asking if you would like to have dinner with me tonight?'_

I'm about to say something about not needing to thank me but the words get stuck in my throat as I realize what it is he has just said. Kaworu has just asked me to have dinner with him. Is this some sort of date? Nah, it can't be, he'll barely even know what romance or dating it. He is just being a friend and... as a friend I'll accept. Maybe it'll be good to get out of here.

"Yes... Yes, that would be nice." I finally say.

'Great!' He almost shouts in excitement at hearing me say that,  _'Then would you like to meet me at my place at half seven tonight?'_

"Yeah." I nod, "That... That sounds great, I'll see you tonight."

We say goodbye to each other and I hand the phone up and the weird churning returns to my stomach. I try to think of it positively but something in the back of my mind says I should have said no. That it won't be good to get out of here. I try to ignore that thought, it's just dinner. He is just being nice.

I wander over slowly to the broken controller and pick up the various pieces, "Well Asuka... I guess you'd better go and buy yourself a new controller... and a new dress."

\---

**Rei Ayanami**

**Tokyo-2**

I can still feel an amount of paint on my hands as I reach up and open the door to our apartment. I've already washed my hands but I still feel like I'll need to shower for quite some time to feel completely clean. I didn't think it'd be possible to make quite that much mess but with a large amount of paint and a number of small children around it was inevitable.

I can't help but smile as I think about what might await me next week when I'm there. I cannot say that it hasn't been a rewarding experience working at the school. At first, I was not sure that it would be for a person such as myself but it turns out I've actually really enjoyed the experience. The children are, on most occasions, well behaved and I feel a certain sense of joy and pride when I am able to do things that help them.

One of my proudest moments was when a boy had to read to me and I was able to help him get through the book. He seemed so happy that he was able to make his way through the entire thing with minimal mistakes. He has already promised me that he will find new books to read on his own and to me. I am looking forward to the experience.

I admit, I was quite apprehensive about taking the role. I am aware of my differences not just in the way I act but also in my appearance. Due to how I was 'born' I do not look the same as others. Although now I am completely human I still retain my natural blue hair, pale skin and red eyes.

I have observed that there are many others who find my appearance to be quite curious. I can feel their stares on me when I am outside and I can see or hear them whispering to one another. I have heard their comments and shouts and although I would like to say I can ignore them I simply cannot. Many have been hurtful, although I try not to show it.

Before taking this role, I did speak to Misato, Shinji and even Asuka about that subject. I suggested that perhaps I should dye my hair to brown and wear contacts to mask the more extreme elements of how I look. Both Misato and Shinji were against it. They said I should be myself.

Asuka how, she was more adamant in telling me what I should do. In fact, it's probably the only time since returning that I have heard anything of the old Asuka come out. Asuka yelled at me, she called me an idiot and a few worse names too as well as asking me if I was stupid. She then threatened me, told me that if I dared to change my appearance like that because of other people she'd personally fly to Japan and wash the dye out of my hair and put the contact lenses in the bin.

I still wonder if maybe I should have gone through with it just to see if she carried out that threat. I'd happily endure her yelling and shouting just to have her back in Japan again. Maybe she could have patched things up with Misato and Shinji and they could all be happy again. I really want her to come back, I want Shinji to know what she is well. I know how much the two of them miss one another and it hurts me so much to keep this a secret.

In the end I decided to retain my appearance. As it turns out the children did not care about it, I did get a few questions from them as to why my hair was blue and my eyes were red so I just told them it was because of a condition I was born with. I didn't mention that the condition was in fact that I am a clone of one of the finest scientists of her generation crossed with an ancient god like being.

The children simply shrugged and went back to whatever it was they were doing before. This taught me that children do not seem to care too much about things like that. They get curious and will ask questions but accept things, it seems to be that they start to care most when adults tell them that they should care.

I enter the front room and I turn to see Shinji sat on the sofa, he's currently reading through some manga of his. At his feet I can see his cello case. I almost forgot, today was the first group session for him. I wonder how it went, I know he was very nervous about it.

"I'm home." I announce as I set my own bag down.

Shinji looked up from his manga and smiles at me, "Oh hey Rei! Welcome home."

"Thank you." I sit down on the chair near to him, “How was your group session today?”

I see Shinji continue to smile at me, “It… was really good.”

A small smile comes to my own lips as I hear him say that. It makes me so happy that he found it to be good. I was nervous that it would be an unpleasant experience for him.

“It was… scary at first but I think… I just need time. I need to keep going and maybe it eventually won’t be as scary.”

“That is good to hear. Familiarity with the activity and the people will ease your nerves in such an environment.”

He nods, “Yeah… I think I just need to learn that people probably aren’t going to recognize who I am. I keep on thinking that one day they will and… bad things will happen but… maybe they don’t know who any of us are.”

I nod back at him but at the back of my mind I can hear Asuka’s words about Kaworu being attacked. I admit I have been more on edge when outside after hearing about that. I should have asked for more information on the incident but I did not think to at the time. She mentioned that the people who did it were part of the UN Agency that protects us but what their motive was.

Did they know who Kaworu was from before? Did they attack him because of who he was? If so then we should be safe. How were they able to find that out though? Information related to us is classified, unless perhaps they were a part of NERV when it happened. They would not be the only Section 2 agents who would go on to work for the agency.

“Oh Rei, you left your phone here!” Shinji suddenly announces, snapping me from my thoughts. He gets up and wanders over to the drawer unit near my bedroom. As he does I look into my handbag in confusion and look, it seems he is correct. I did leave my phone here, I take the device from him.

“Someone tried to call you earlier as well!” He tells me.

“Oh.” I look at him, “Who was it?”

Shinji shakes his head as he returns to his seat, “I don’t know, one of those weird marketing calls I think. They were just silent after I answered it. It came up as a private number so I couldn’t check.

A private number… I feel a churning in my stomach as I look back towards my phone and immediately go to the call history. Sure enough it is listed there, ‘PRIVATE NUMBER’, I tap the icon and I see her information displayed immediately. Just as I suspected, it was Asuka and Shinji had been the one to answer my phone. He actually spoke to her and yet he has no idea about it as well. He doesn’t know just how close he come to hearing that voice he has longed to hear for so very long.

My own foolishness in leaving my phone behind nearly exposed the secret I’ve tried to keep. Asuka is going to be angry at me for this. I need to try to put it right. I try to show no signs of nervousness and try to remind myself that her number was put in there as ‘PRIVATE NUMBER’ for this very reason. It was in case someone such as Misato or Shinji got hold of my phone should Asuka call me.

I also remind myself that Asuka calling me first is not a part of how we regularly communicate. It is always supposed to be me who calls her unless we arrange it the other way around. Both of these facts should serve to reassure me. It all went according to our plans, her secret has been kept and yet I do not feel good about this.

“Thank you.” I finally utter to Shinji, keeping my voice as steady as I can. I go to my e-mails and text messages to see if perhaps she has sent me anything. As of now she hasn’t, I shall contact her later myself to see what has happened.

I am concerned that she would call me like this. I wonder if perhaps what I feared would happen has actually happened. Perhaps Nagisa has hurt her in some way. It is another thought I have to push out of my head for the moment. It is illogical to think such a thing has happened. Asuka is more than capable of handling herself and she is under protection. Nagisa is fragile in his human form as well, I do not suspect he could have hurt her.

Yet I worry about their relationship all the same. I am confused by the nature of their relationship. I would not have expected them to have become friends and yet there they are. I have been thinking about Asuka’s words from our last phone call. I have been trying to understand how she and Nagisa are not that different but I am not seeing it for myself.

In regards to Asuka, she was at times an unpleasant person to deal with. She could be rude and arrogant, loud and obnoxious but there were moments when he true self shone through. She was brave, she was protective and she was warm. She would be the one trying to include everyone in activities. If she saw me alone she would drag me into the group. She would even go to an effort to make sure Touji and Kensuke were involved despite claiming she hated them.

For Nagisa, he was aware of what he was and what it was he was doing. I did not feel any attempt from him to escape that destiny. He fulfilled his goal without questioning it and he hurt my brother deeply. I do not feel that I should forgive Nagisa for any of this but then I also trust Asuka and her judgement when it comes to people. If she is capable of befriending Nagisa than perhaps I am wrong?

I need to think about this some more and perhaps talk to Asuka about it properly. I do wish I had someone else I could confide in about this issue. Misato would be a good person to talk to but I cannot reveal to her the secret I am keeping. This has become so complicated, for all I have learned in the past five years there is so much that confuses me. Humans are such complicated creatures, myself included.

**\---**

**Kaworu Nagisa**

**Berlin - Evening**

I have been unable to keep the smile from my lips ever since I spoke to Asuka earlier today. So much so that I am sure Fuyutsuki and the others I work with thought that something was wrong with me. Asuka said yes to me. She said yes to my request of having dinner tonight!

I was so worried that she would say no. I am aware from various bits of reading that being asked out to dinner is seen as a romantic gesture for humans. I am not entirely sure if that is how I meant it to be. I just enjoy spending time with Asuka and wished to make up for all the help she has given me recently.

Yet, I have wondered about the subject of romance since I returned. Would I like to become romantically involved with someone? At first, I was not so sure, I was so afraid of people that I was happy just keeping to myself. As time went on and I was exposed to a little bit more literature and media I did start to wonder what it might be like to be involved with another. I wondered what it might be like to have a companion, to have someone to hold and to love, someone who I could kiss, touch even make love to.

These were all things that I did not ever consider in my past life. Romance and sex meant nothing to me, they were all human pursuits and as such I did not have any urges in that manner. I felt things for people of course, nothing stronger than what I felt for Shinji Ikari but I knew my time was limited so I did not permit myself to dwell on such feelings.

My time is no longer limited though and as such I find such thoughts creeping into my mind more and more. I think about the sort of person I would perhaps like as a companion. I think about what preferences I have romantically and even sexually. In my meditations on the subject I find that issues such as gender are not a factor for me. I seem to find beauty across the entire spectrum of gender.

Sexually I feel very much the same. Whilst I have not had a sexual encounter with another person yet I have had to deal with certain urges that arise most on evenings. When dealing with said urges I have observed a number of acts, some appeal to me more than others but again I find sexual attraction across the gender spectrum.

There is one person who has been occupying my thoughts on occasions like this though, that of course is Asuka. I wonder what exactly I feel about her. I find her to be an extraordinary person. I am no longer able to sense people’s souls like I once was it is not difficult for me to see the fragility of her heart. I know she has been through a lot of hardship in her life and she, much like Shinji Ikari deserve so much happiness.

Yet despite the hardship she is a kind person. She reached out to me when she had no reason to. She helped me when no one else was able to and when I think of her I smile. I find her to be such a figure of beauty as well. Everything about her from her fiery red hair, he expressive blue eyes and her smile and hits me inside. I find that I am unable to take my eyes off of her when in the same room, there is something powerful about mer.

Perhaps… Perhaps then I do like her romantically but I wonder if this is because she is new for me. She is something I have not experiences before. I wonder if maybe I have not lived long enough to feel such things. I wonder what the rules for this sort of thing are, if there are any rules at all.

Of course, it is not just my feelings that matter in this situation. If I find Asuka attractive and I wish for more than friendship than that is one thing but it means little if those feelings are no reciprocated. Would Asuka find someone such as myself attractive? I am already aware that I do not look like a regular person. My appearance is not normal, I receive numerous stares from people every day that remind me of that. I receive comments every so often that remind me of that.

In a way that sort of thing does bother me, I cannot help the way I look. I was not given that choice and I do not feel I should change this for others. Even if such a thing is a hindrance in future matters. I am Kaworu Nagisa, I have silvery hair, red eyes and pale skin. That is who I am and I will not erase that.

I frown as I try to put these thoughts out of my mind for the moment. Asuka will be here in a few minutes and it would not be good to be pre-occupied with these thoughts. I need to focus on ensuring I am a good host for her during this dinner.

I look towards the living room and see the small dining table I have set up there. Across it is a delicate white cloth with two plain but elegant looking mats either side for the plates. Either side of the mats I’ve arrange cutlery according to a guide on dinner parts I have read. In the centre of the table is a candle that I’ll light during dinner.

Currently sitting in my friend are ten bottles of wine. I did not think to ask at the time what sort of wine Asuka liked and felt it would be silly to call her. Having not sampled the substance myself yet I did not know what would work with the meal I was going to cook. So naturally I panicked and bought a sample of everything. This did earn me some strange glares from people, unfortunately I am not exactly able to explain my origins and therefore my reasoning for such a thing. All I could do was smile at the cashier.

The meal tonight will be a steak in a peppercorn sauce with a variety of vegetables that I have spent the last half an hour preparing. This will be followed by a homemade chocolate ice cream that I perfected making yesterday.

I look towards the kitchen clock once again and feel the nerves building up in my stomach. Questions start to go through my mind, what if Asuka doesn’t come? What if she dislikes the food? What if I haven’t done this right and she laughs at me? I take a deep breath, this is going to be fine, it’s just a dinner for a girl I happen to like and who I am friends with.

Half a minute later there is a knock on my door and I take another deep breath. I answer the door and find myself rendered unable to speak when I see her stood before me. Asuka is wearing a long dark red dress with red gloves to match. She has straightened her hair and put on a small amount of make up with draw my attention to her eyes. Around her neck is a black choker with a little gold diamond hanging from the middle. She looks beautiful.

“A-Asuka…” I finally stammer out before moving to one side to let her in, “Come on in.”

She gives me a smile and nods, “Thank you.”

She walks forward and enters the living room with me following behind. I smile as I see her stop and look towards the table. It is her turn to look stunned, “T-This is… I thought we were…”

I make my way to the table, “I… Wanted to thank you for all you have done for me Asuka. I understand that cooking someone dinner is a good way of doing that.”

“You… Cook, I thought you meant go out this is…”

I smile and shake my head, “I admit that perhaps I am… perhaps not going to be as good as a high end restaurant but I wanted to do something for you. You have done so much for me, you… are not disappointed are you?”

She looks me, “No you idiot! I’m not… this is… really nice.”

“Good, I am glad.”

She remains frozen to the spot and I watch as her eyes keep going from the table to me and back again. I try to ignore the butterflies in my stomach as I move towards the fridge, “I was… unsure of what wine you would like so I got a selection. I believe certain wines are said to go better with specific types of food. We are eating a steak with vegetables in a homemade sauce. Yet I also hear people have preferences for wine based on country and colour, perhaps you should pick?”

There is no reply from her as I turn around and see her still frozen in place, “Asuka, is everything alright?”

She nods slowly, “I… You… I… I can’t… This is… I’m sorry Kaworu.”

I’m barely given a chance to respond before she turns and quickly leaves the living room. I hear my front door slam behind her as I’m left stood in a stunned silence. I don’t know what to do, do I go after her? Do I stay here? I try to listen for the footsteps echoing down the hallway and outside but I hear nothing. If I leave now maybe I can catch up with her.

Questions run through my mind, did I do something wrong? If so what did I do wrong? Was it something I said? Was this perhaps too much for Asuka? None of that matters now I think to myself as I grab my keys and start to go after her. If I upset her I have to apologize, I have to find out what I did.


	7. Any Kind Of Sign

**Asuka Langley Soryu**

I rush out into the hallway and hear the sound of his door slamming itself shut. I hurry along into the entranceway of the complex and pull open the door freeing myself from the confines of the building. A cool breeze immediately hits my face and I stop halfway up the path and take a few deep breaths to calm myself.

My heart is pounding so quickly in my chest now, I can feel sweat trickling down my forehead and a wave of dizziness rushing over me. I prop myself up on a wall unable to go any further at this moment in time.

I glance guiltily back at the entrance to the building. Kaworu doesn’t seem to have followed me. He probably won’t, why would he after what I just did? The poor guy probably hasn’t got a clue as to what the hell just happened. He’s probably stood there next to his oven, devastated after seeing me run out like that. I hope he understands that I had to do it though, I had to run away.

He had gone to so much damn effort, it was perfect and he was perfect. It was all so goddamn nice and what I wanted. He had been thoughtful and nice and was going to prepare a meal and serve wine. He even bought a fucking table with a goddamn candle on it. All of that effort for me? All of that for the wretched example of a human that I am.

Kaworu… You think I’m someone I’m not. You think I’m… some nice girl who can be a good friend to you but I’m not that person. I am not…

“Asuka…”

I freeze up as I hear the trembling voice from behind me. I fix my gaze on the road and daren’t turn around to look at him. I try to take a step forward but feel only stiffness and pain in my joints. It’s just like one of my dreams, I can’t move from this spot.

“Did… Did I do something wrong?”

His question is like a knife being thrust into me and twisted. I should have kept running as far from here as I could. Now I have to answer his question and there is only one way I can do that.

“Idiot!” I snap back at him. It’s all I can do at this time is to revert to that angry frightened girl. I feel my hands curl up into a fist, my nails digging into the palms.

“Please Asuka…” He continues, “I… If I did something wrong then I’d like to know. I apologize for any-“

“Stop it!” I snap at him again, “You didn’t… You did nothing wrong Kaworu, you…”

My head lowers as I trail off and shake my head. I can’t be bothered with fighting anymore, I’m sick of putting up those defences. I’ve been doing it for so long and I just… I can’t bring myself to hurt him. I turn around to finally face him but I can barely meet his gaze.

“It’s me Kaworu, I… I’m broken alright.” I shrug, “You didn’t do anything wrong. Everything you did was fine… It was lovely, in fact it was perfect.”

“Then… why did you run?” He asks me, his voice still trembling. It’s that trembling in his voice that is getting to me. It’s that trembling that cuts into me.

“Because I don’t deserve any of it Kaworu.” I answer him as honestly as I can, “You… You’re a nice guy but me… I’m not a nice girl, I never have been and…”

“Asuka…” I watch as he takes a single small step forward. In response I take a step away from him and hold out an arm to stop him.

“Don’t… Don’t come any closer to me, just… just stop it Kaworu, you…” I shake my head, “You’re only going to get hurt. It’s better that I just leave.”

“Asuka… Those things that you say you are, those things that you think you are… they are not the person that I have come to know you as. They are not the person that you actually are.”

“How the hell would you know? You’ve known me for less than a month!” I bark back at him, “You don’t know the things I’ve done to other people! You don’t know what I’ve said to them or how I’ve hurt them! You don’t know what sort of monster I really am!”

Kaworu lowers his head slightly and I think that maybe I’ve ‘won’, maybe I’ve got that tiny hollow victory that my mind seems to be craving and I can leave this place. I can get away from this and go back to being alone like I deserve. A moment later Kaworu raises his head again and I see no fear in his eyes, only a fierceness as he takes another step towards me.

“It is true that I might know have known you for a long time but in that short period of time I can confidently state that the Asuka you claim to be is not really who you are. I may not be able to see into the hearts of others like I once did but… I do not need that to see that you are no monster.”

His words catch me off guard, not only that but his way of speaking too. The trembling in his voice has gone, replaced only by a calm confidence. I open my mouth to reply but no words come out. I contemplate turning and running but I can’t.

“You are a kind soul Asuka, you helped me when you had every reason to hate me. You knew what I was and shown no fear of that.” He continues, “I want to do the same for you. I do not fear you Asuka, no matter what you say or what you claim I am not scared of you. The mistakes of your past are just that, mistakes in your past.”

He takes another step forward, “I have seen what true monsters are in my former masters and you are not like those people. You are not like those people. You are a kind and compassionate soul with a fragile heart, you deserve to be happy.”

Before I know it Kaworu is barely a step away from me. His arms wrap themselves around me pulling me towards him in a warm embrace. I should be fighting this and running away from it but I can’t. I’m just so fed up of running away so all I can do is stand there as this guy hugs me. My arms reach up around his back to return the gesture and my head rests itself softly on his shoulder as he rubs my back. I feel a few silent tears trickle down my face as I let him hold me.

We stay like this for a few moments before he finally breaks the embrace. I look at his face and see him blushing but also smiling at me, “Asuka… Will you still have dinner with me?”

I start to shake my head but then my stomach lets out an audible growl betraying me. I feel myself blush as I look up at him with a sheepish smile, “Yes… Yes I will.”

\---

**Shinji Ikari**

I put the now clean cello bow down on the bedside table and pause the music on my player as I look towards the instrument in the corner of my room with a satisfied smile. I take a moment to actually enjoy the rare sense of pride I get knowing what I was able to accomplish today. I was not only able to go to that session but I actually played in front of other people.

For me it feels like such a big achievement and I’m trying my best to hold onto that happiness for as long as I am able to. I know that maybe tomorrow or the next day those doubts and fears will start to creep back in but at I want to try to hold onto this happiness for as long as I can.

As it is my mind has already started to wander to thinking about the next session. I’m already starting to wonder what I can play next time and wondering about playing with the others in the group. This will be the first time, outside of the two teachers I have had, I’ll have played music with another person. I’m used to either a metronome or a backing tape so I’m a little bit nervous about the whole thing. I’m also excited and eager to hear what we can all do.

I start to get up from the bed to put the bow back into its box when I hear a soft tapping at my door. I sit back down keeping the bow in my hands and call out, “Come in.”

The door slides open partially and Misato playfully pokes her head into my room, “Shinji! I’m not interrupting anything am I?”

I shake my head, “Hey Misato, No I was just cleaning my cello a bit.”

Misato slides the door open fully and steps into my room. She takes a look at the clean cello and then the bow in my hands and grins at me. I can feel myself blushing already as I know what she is about to say.

“You know… I’m really proud of you Shinji, it can’t have been easy doing that today. Well done.”

I lower my gaze in embarrassment, I can’t say I dislike or don’t want the praise from her but it does embarrass me to hear it said so directly, “Thank you, I… I really enjoyed it. I know that… maybe this good feeling won’t last but it’s a start. I’m feeling… good at the moment.”

“Well that is some progress Shinji! It’s just one small step forward but it is a step forward nonetheless so just make sure you keep telling yourself that. When you are scared or doubting yourself just remember that you’d already made a stride down the path and you can keep on going.”

“Yeah… Thank you.” I smile back at her, “I’ll be going again next week. My tutor said that is going to try to get us to play something together and talk to us about ideas for a show.”

“A show?” She exclaims, “Well you tell me the time and the place and I’ll be there! Do you know what it’ll be?”

I shake my head, “No not yet. He seems to… like a lot of stuff when I spoke to him so it could be anything.”

Misato closes the door behind her and I see her look around the room for a moment before taking hold of and pulling out the chair under my desk. I nervously set the bow back down on my bedside table as I watch her. Misato isn’t just here to talk to me about the session today, she wants to talk to me about something else.

“Actually…” She starts, “There is something else I wanted to talk to you about Shinji…”

I brace myself for the discussion and to think about that name and person once again. I’ve been anticipating this for the last two weeks, ever since Rei told me that he was back. I’ve tried to not think about him and push him out of my mind so I can focus on the music but I knew Misato would want to speak to me eventually.

“It’s about Kaworu isn’t it?” I ask her.

Misato merely nods, “Yeah… What did Rei tell you about him?”

“That he came back earlier in the year and that she saw him in Germany. She didn’t… I didn’t react well to it I guess so she didn’t say more than that.”

Misato gives me a concerned look when I tell her I didn’t react well to Rei’s news. I try to ease her worries, “It’s fine though I… it was a big shock. I hadn’t… thought about him in some time and it brought everything back.”

Misato averts her eyes from me. After I had… done what I had to do to Kaworu Misato was the first person on the scene. She was the first person to see it and tried to keep me away from it. She tried to make me feel better about it but that was an impossible task at that point. It’d be impossible now, how do you make someone feel better when they’re forced to kill what they thought was a friend?

“So it’s… true then… he is actually alive?”

She nods, “Yes… Yes he is.”

Immediately on her saying that I feel my face heat up followed by a churning in my stomach. I immediately start to focus on my breathing like I’ve been told to, the feeling doesn’t fade but it also doesn’t worsen, “How… I don’t understand.”

“We don’t know either Shinji, I’ve tried to find out what I can but we don’t know how or why he came back. They said that he is human now though…”

“Kaworu is… human…” I repeat her words and think about what that might mean.

“Yeah… So… We’re all safe from him I guess. I just… I wanted to talk to you about him and find out how you feel about it. I just… couldn’t find the right time.”

“I don’t know how I feel.” I answer her truthfully, “I… I can just remember those few days Misato… I can remember everything about it and…”

“I know Shinji…”

“I know I had to do it but… I killed someone Misato.”

“He was an Angel Shinji, you had no choice.”

“He was a person as well!” I snap back at her, “Sorry.”

She shakes her head, “No, it’s fine. This is a difficult subject for this time of night… I should have picked a better time.”

Misato starts to stand up, “Wait! It’s… There isn’t a better time.”

She sits back down and I continue to speak, “I... I just don’t know how I feel about it. I try to not think about Kaworu it was just… too much. I know I had to do it but that doesn’t stop me feeling guilty about it. I always wondered if I could have done more or tried to find another way.”

She leans forward and puts a comforting hand on my knee, “You did what you had to do Shinji. You did what he wanted you to do.”

“I know.” I shake my head, “I know that but I still wonder if it could have been different. Now that he’s back I don’t know if I should be happy that he somehow survived or angry about it. I don’t know if I should hate him or not. I… I’m sorry, I know I make this difficult.”

“Shinji you aren’t making anything difficult.” Misato pauses, “It isn’t… easy to talk about this sort of thing or even think about it especially when it is still so fresh. You don’t need to have all those answers now, you don’t need to have them soon or at all. Just… I just want you to know what if you need anything at all or to talk I’m here for you.”

“I know, thank you Misato.”

Misato gets up off of the seat and hugs me, “I’m sorry you have to go through this.”

I hug her back, “It isn’t your fault.”

She breaks the hug, “I’m going to go to bed now Shinji. I have a meeting early tomorrow morning. I love you.”

“I love you too Misato.” She hugs me one more time and starts to exit the room. Just as she leaves I stop her, “Misato… What if I wanted to see him?”

She frowns for a brief moment, “Then… Maybe it could be arranged but he would have to agree to it as well. Why… What would you say to him?”

“I don’t know I guess… I’d ask him why he did what he did.”

“I understand, goodnight Shinji.”

“Goodnight Misato.”

Misato gives me one final hug and I watch as she leaves the room and me alone with my thoughts about Kaworu. It’s strange and maybe stupid of me but I’ve never been able to bring myself to hate him for what he did.

I was definitely angry with him at first. He was the only person, the only friend I had at that time and it felt like he took advantage of that. He betrayed me and the trust I put in him but I can’t hate him because I guess I just want to know why he did it. I know why my father did what he did and I do hate him for that. I know why others acted the way they did too and I’ve come to terms with most of it.

Kaworu… I never had an explanation for it. He was an Angel, the last one but why was he an Angel? Why did he have to do what he did? I know about SEELE and that he was sent by them so did he know what he had to do? Kaworu tried to tell me something when it happened but I didn’t understand at the time. He spoke about humanity going on and living and how he had to die but I don’t understand why. Why did he have to die and why did I have to be the one to kill him?

Maybe if I had the answer to that I could hate him or maybe I could forgive him. I don’t know and I don’t know what Misato and Rei would think of it either. I suppose they think I should hate Kaworu for what he was and what he did. After all he did hurt me, I’m aware of that, he hurt me so much and yet I just can’t hate him.

I’m scared of him though. As stupid as that sounds and I can definitely hear that voice again telling me I’m stupid for being scared. I am though because I always wondered if maybe I could have done more to save him and what if he hates me for that.

I shake my head and get up off of my bed to put my pyjamas on. I try to push these thoughts out of my head for now. Kaworu can wait, these thoughts won’t ruin what has been a good day.

\---

**Asuka Langley Soryu**

I find myself following silently behind Kaworu as I enter his apartment again and once more look over the neatly set out dining table. With quite a lot of shame and embarrassment I sit myself down and try to not focus on Kaworu as he goes back into his kitchen to start preparing the meal. He gets to the fridge and smiles sheepishly at me, “I… asked before but what sort of wine would you like? I… Well as I said I’m a bit unsure as to which would have been appropriate so bought more than I probably needed to.”

For a brief moment I consider just asking him to bring everything he has over. Maybe I can get myself so drunk I’ll pass out and forget all about the last two weeks. The more sensible side of me asks him to bring out a simple French white wine. Truth is I can’t really answer his question, I likely know as much about wine as he does. I know French whites are supposed to be nice though.

He takes the bottle out of his fridge and opens it before bringing it over to where I’m sat. I avert my gaze as he fills up two wine glasses. I take the now filled glass and sip at the substance, it tastes nice enough I guess. I give him a smile and go back to thinking about how shamefully I’ve acted since getting here. I hate myself for not being able to keep it together and running away like that.

It would be one thing to have just not come here or to have gotten upset like I did earlier today. That was fine because I was alone. I wasn’t alone when I did that, Kaworu witnessed it and I can only imagine what he thinks of me now. Not only that but he actually stepped forward and hugged me. He held me and as nice as that was, as much as I longed for it, it has not helped me figure out these feelings.

“Do you feel better now Asuka?” Kaworu asks me as he moved back into the kitchen.

I nod my head, “A little bit. I’m sorry, it’s just… been a rough couple of days and with my book nearly finished I have a lot to do and think about, just… a lot of things…”

“It must be a stressful time for you.” He talks to me over the sounds of a pan starting to heat up, “How do you like your steak?”

“Rare.” I reply.

Kaworu says nothing further as he continues to work in the kitchen. I watch him as he goes between cooking the steaks and sorting out the rest of the meal. I have to admit the smells coming from the kitchen are very appetising. I feel my stomach growl again in anticipation as he finishes setting everything out and brings a plate over to me. I can feel my mouth start to water at the sight of the food. The steak looks great, seemingly cooked just as I like it. The sauce, a peppercorn is drizzled lightly over the steak and the vegetables are also appealing.

I wait for Kaworu to sit himself down before taking hold of my knife and fork and cutting into my steak. I make sure I get a good portion and take some of the sauce with it. I try to ignore his expectant gaze as I chew through it and finally swallow. I normally dislike anyone watching me eat but I’ll let him off just this once seeing as I can only imagine his nerves right now.

I’ve barely finished the mouthful before he asks my opinion, “Was it… to your liking?”

I nod at him, “It is delicious.”

“Thank you.” I see some of the tenseness in his body leave as he also breathes a sigh of relief, “I was hoping that you would like it.”

Kaworu now starts to eat and the two of us sit there in a comfortable silence enjoying this meal that he has prepared. Neither of us speak during the course of it but every now and then we glance and catch each other’s eye. We sip our wine and smile at one another.

I’m the first one to finish both my plate and also my first glass of wine. I put my knife and fork down on the plate in satisfaction, “That was really nice Kaworu, I didn’t know you were so capable.”

Kaworu laughs, “I am still… learning and there have been many accidents along the way but I am improving. It pleases me that it was to your liking.”

“It really was.” I reply as Kaworu also finishes up what is left on his plate and sets his cutlery down. We fall into silence again but this time it’s also accompanied once more by the thoughts of how I acted previously. I know I hurt him when I did that and he deserves an explanation for it. I wasn’t going to talk about it tonight but maybe I should.

Maybe that would ruin the night though. I’ve already nearly done that by walking out, I don’t want to do it again by bringing up that subject. If I don’t now though then when will I? I might not have this chance again. That thing Kaworu did earlier for me, saying he wasn’t afraid of me and just hugging me, he has no idea how much that means to me. I can trust Kaworu, not only that but those things I feel… maybe I’m justified in feeling them so I have to tell him.

“Kaworu… I am… I’m sorry about what happened earlier. It is not just the book that is bothering me. It’s… something else. Something happened earlier today and you have a right to know.”

“You do not need to apologize Asuka, I understand.”

“No.” I shake my head at him, “You don’t understand, at least… you think you do. Earlier today I wrote an e-mail, a lengthy e-mail talking about a lot of things. I was going to send it to Shinji.”

“Oh… I see.” I look up just in time to see Kaworu sag his shoulders and lower his eyes, “I understand.”

“I don’t know why I wrote it, I just… I guess since you arrived I’ve been thinking about certain things and maybe I felt it was time to get back in contact with them. In it I was going to tell them everything, why I left the way I did and why I’ve had no contact. I was going to tell them about being friends with Rei and explain that to them and I was also going to tell them about my meeting you.”

“Why could you not send it?” Kaworu asks me after a pause.

I shrug my shoulders, “I don’t know… I just couldn’t. I read through it a few times and it seemed fine but I could couldn’t bring myself to click send. I guess…”

I let out a sigh, “I’m an idiot, I guess all my life I wanted independence and to prove I could do things on my own but when it comes to something like this I want approval first. I wanted to tell Rei and… I wanted to tell you about it first.”

I shake my head, “Damn thing involves you so I guess it was only right you were told just in case something happened. Not that it would, I’d make sure of that.”

“Yeah…”

“Anyway I… I tried to phone Rei this afternoon but it wasn’t her who answered the phone. It was Shinji…”

Kaworu snaps to attention on hearing me say that. His eyes are locked firmly on me and I can see that same terrified look on his face that he had when I first met him, “You… You spoke to him?”

“No. No I didn’t.” I shake my head again and smile, “I heard his voice and I kept silent. Eventually I just hung up and then not long afterwards you called me to arrange this.”

“So that is the reason you did not seem alright on the phone?” Kaworu asks me.

“Exactly.” I admit, “It put me in something of a bad place. Maybe I should have told you this on the phone, it might have made things easier. When I came here tonight I still felt awful and… what you had done was so nice it just overwhelmed me. I’m sorry I ruined it, you must have spent a lot of time planning it and I’ve not exactly been the guest you anticipated.”

I feel my shoulders sag as I wait for him to reply. In a strange way I do feel better now for having told him about all of this. I glance back down at the table hoping that he’ll say something soon, it’ll make the rest of this night easier.

\---

**Misato Katsuragi**

I slide Shinji’s door shut behind me and let out a sigh when I’m back in the middle of the room. I honestly don’t know what I was expecting Shinji to say when I spoke to him about Nagisa but on the top of that list was the idea of meeting with him. I know Shinji didn’t directly ask about it and maybe he won’t but I certainly didn’t think about the possibility.

One thing I do know is that I cannot allow a meeting between those two to happen. I can’t allow for Nagisa to hurt Shinji again like he did so many years ago. I’m not just Shinji’s guardian anymore, I’m now his mother, I am now his family and I swore to protect him. I don’t want to hurt him or deny him anything but this… This I feel I have to deny him if I have to.

Since learning about Nagisa’s return I have been making an attempt to find out what I can about him. I’ve heard very little from Fuyutsuki about the boy which I suppose is a good thing. There was mention of an incident two weeks ago which resulted in two members of security being removed but the details aren’t known to me.

Despite there not being any major incident I still have this bad feeling in the pit of my stomach about the situation. I’ve been reassured that Nagisa poses no threat but I just don’t think I’ll be able to see it that way. I know what he was and I know how dangerous he was.

Nagisa wasn’t just an Angel. He was an Angel that came to us in human form. He was an Angel that managed to get into NERV and manipulated Shinji before tearing the poor kid apart. He worked with the true enemy in SEELE to get himself into that organization and do what he did. He was aware of everything he was doing.

I can still remember the horrific scenes I witnessed when I went down after Shinji had to kill him. I was the first one on the scene and I had to pull Shinji out of the entry plug. I held him as he vomited into the lake of LCL upon witnessing it all himself. I heard Shinji speak as he blamed himself and said that he should have been the one to die instead of Kaworu.

Maybe I should take some of the blame for how broken Shinji was back then too. Maybe I should have done more in the months before to help him… No, not maybe. I should have done a hell of a lot more to help him, I failed both Shinji and Asuka back then. I made no effort to understand them nor help them. I was content to use them as tools to aid my own personal crusade.

In many ways I was no better than his father. I drank myself to excess to forget it all back then and make jokes and acted like a fool. I’ve tried to change that now though, I’ve tried desperately to rectify it. Asuka… Well she went away and we haven’t heard from her in years, I failed her but with Shinji… I won’t let myself fail him. I can’t let Shinji be hurt like that again, I have to help him and protect him. I won’t let Nagisa hurt him.

As I sit myself down on the sofa I look towards the hallway at the other closed door there, the one belonging to Rei. I realize that ever since I picked her up from the airport I haven’t really had the time to speak to her about this either. Even worse I left it up to her to tell Shinji about Nagisa coming back. For all my promises I can’t help but feel I’m not doing a good job of this parenting thing.

I get up from my seat and make my way over to the door and slide it open. I’m about to stick my head in and say something when I hear her talking to someone.

“… I hope you are alright, please call me when you get this message. I will talk to you soon.”

Rei hands up the phone and I announce myself, “Rei?”

She jumps in fright at the sound of my voice, “Is everything alright?”

Rei puts her phone down and sits herself at the edge of her bed, “It is fine, I was just trying to contact a friend.”

“Oh?” I can’t help but feel a little smile creep onto my lips. Judging by her reaction I wonder if maybe this friend was a bit more. Whilst I do my best to not tease either of them about their lives of friends but occasionally I do feel that urge, “Was it a… special friend perhaps?”

Rei, unlike Shinji, is pretty much impervious to any of my teasing and shrugs it off, “No, it was just a friend I made whilst I was travelling. They have been unwell recently and I was concerned about them.”

“Oh! That’s very nice of you Rei.” I respond, “It’s nice to see you making friends in your travels, maybe one day we can meet them.”

“I do not know if that would be likely given the circumstances, but it would be nice.” Rei replies, “Is there something troubling you?”

As Rei speaks I notice her gaze shift ever so slightly away from me. I sense that there is possibly something more to her ‘friend than she is actually willing to tell me. It’s funny but despite her being impervious to my teasing, unlike Shinji, she does share other traits with Shinji. If there is something bothering the two of them they each have this little way of averting their gaze and having a certain expression that gives them away.

I wonder for a moment if maybe I should pursue the subject further but figure it best not to for the moment. I don’t want to seem too overbearing when it comes to Rei, I want to be there for her but I also want to give her the space to figure things out. Also, unlike Shinji, if something is bothering Rei she will generally speak to me first. It’s a situation that has led to some interesting conversations, ones that have even made me blush.

“You could say that.” I answer her, “I spoke to Shinji a moment ago about the Nagisa thing.”

“I see, how was he?”

“He seemed alright but he… said something that worried me I guess. It’s probably nothing to worry about though. I just… I wanted to see how you were doing as well I suppose, I realized I haven’t really spoken to you about it either.”

Rei nods, “I am fine with it as long as Nagisa does not attempt to make contact with my brother. If he stays away from us and does not cause any problems then I see no reason to worry about him. What did Shinji say that worried you?”

“He asked me what would happen if he wanted to meet Nagisa.” I answer her truthfully. Straight away I see a scowl from on her face. In some strange way it comforts me that she seems to share my views on Nagisa. I know from our discussion a few weeks ago she doesn’t view him favourably and what she has just said also confirms that she sees Nagisa the same way I do, as a threat.

“I do not believe that would be a wise decision.” She finally says.

I nod my head, “Yes, I agree.”

“Did Shinji say why he might desire this?”

“Not really, said he wanted to know why Nagisa did what he did. You know what Shinji is like though, I don’t think he sees Nagisa in the same light we do. I think he might still see himself as being the one at fault.”

“That is certainly a possibility.” Rei nods, “I do not believe my brother has ever been able to confront that particular time in his life. It was not a pleasant time for any of us to come to terms with.”

She lowers her head, “Nagisa… for all he was and all he did was something of a source of light for Shinji and it is hard for him to extinguish that.”

“Nagisa was the enemy.” I state flatly knowing that Rei is right. When Shinji was with Nagisa he actually seemed happy. Nagisa’s interactions with him seemed genuine and I know Nagisa did bring Shinji some fleeting happiness which was so valuable back then.

“I know that and it would be my desire that Nagisa does not have any contact with my brother.” Rei says coldly before pausing, “Yet, I would also not wish to stand in Shinji’s way should he desire contact again.”

“Even if it could hurt him?” I ask, somewhat confused by what Rei has said.

“If my brother were to be hurt by Nagisa he would have me to answer to. I would be sure to warn Nagisa of this before contact is made.”

“So if Shinji did ask, you think I should let him?”

Rei nods, “It is against what I believe and what you believe but it is not for us to make that decision. Shinji must be able to figure it out for himself and I think blocking him would hurt him more.”

I feel a smile spread as I listen to Rei speak, it’s strange but despite her only having been completely human for a few years she has grown so much in that short space of time. She has matured so much and can provide good insight when needed. So many times when I speak to her I forget that I am supposed to be the adult.

Yet I am still concerned about this whole thing and I can tell from the frown on her face that she is too.

“I still don’t know Rei… but you are right, I… can’t control what Shinji does and he has to make his own mind up on these things. I don’t want to push him to do anything he doesn’t want to and I don’t want to stop him doing things he wants to… within reason of course.”

“I understand and I promise…” Rei turns to look at me, “Should Shinji make that request and this happen, I will ensure Nagisa does not have the opportunity to hurt my brother again.”

\---

**Kaworu Nagisa.**

“No.” I look at Asuka as she shakes her head, “You don’t understand, at least… you think you do. Earlier today I wrote an e-mail, a lengthy e-mail talking about a lot of things. I was going to send it to Shinji.”

“Oh… I see.” I try to hide the disappointment I’m feeling at hearing her say those words but I do a poor job of it. I can feel my shoulders lower and my gaze go to the table as I mumble out a reply, “I understand.”

“I don’t know why I wrote it, I just… I guess since you arrived I’ve been thinking about certain things and maybe I felt it was time to get back in contact with them. In it I was going to tell them everything, why I left the way I did and why I’ve had no contact. I was going to tell them about being friends with Rei and explain that to them and I was also going to tell them about my meeting you.”

I pause as I process what she is saying. I suppose that perhaps I should have expected this event to eventually take place. I am not ignorant to her feelings for Shinji nor am I ignorant of his feelings for her. When I spent time with Shinji so long ago he would speak of Asuka fondly and told me he was scared of what would happen to her.

When Asuka has spoken to me of Shinji I can see the emotion in her eyes. I can’t sense the feelings in her heart but I know they are there. I have always known and yet I still feel this strange sensation of disappointment within me. I feel this tightening in my chest and lump in my throat.

Finally I am able to speak again, I try to sound as normal as possible, “Why could you not send it?”

Asuka shrugs her shoulders, “I don’t know… I just couldn’t. I read through it a few times and it seemed fine but I could couldn’t bring myself to click send. I guess…”

She sighs, “I’m an idiot, I guess all my life I wanted independence and to prove I could do things on my own but when it comes to something like this I want approval first. I wanted to tell Rei and… I wanted to tell you about it first.”

As strange as it sounds my heart lightens ever so slightly at hearing her say she wanted my approval first. I listen to her as she continues, “Damn thing involves you so I guess it was only right you were told just in case something happened. Not that it would, I’d make sure of that.”

“Yeah…”

“Anyway I… I tried to phone Rei this afternoon but it wasn’t her who answered the phone. It was Shinji…”

My head snaps upwards and I lock my eyes firmly onto Asuka on hearing her say that. That terrible feeling of fear creeps into me once again, “You… You spoke to him?”

“No. No I didn’t.” Asuka shakes her head and I see a small smile come to her lips, “I heard his voice and I kept silent. Eventually I just hung up and then not long afterwards you called me to arrange this.”

“So that is the reason you did not seem alright on the phone?” I ask her.

“Exactly.” She tells me, “It put me in something of a bad place. Maybe I should have told you this on the phone, it might have made things easier. When I came here tonight I still felt awful and… what you had done was so nice it just overwhelmed me. I’m sorry I ruined it, you must have spent a lot of time planning it and I’ve not exactly been the guest you anticipated.”

I admit I am somewhat lost for words when she finishes speaking. I know I have to say something to her to reassure her. I need to tell her that just her being here and sharing a meal with me is more than enough for me to be happy. Yet I do not feel happy right now, I don’t know what I feel really, it’s a mixture.

I feel afraid, afraid that the moment I have known will happen eventually but tried to avoid could happen soon and I am in no way ready for it. I feel embarrassed, embarrassed that I allowed myself to get carried away with my feelings for Asuka knowing what I do about her. I also feel ashamed at myself for thinking about her in such a way, when I should have been happy with the friendship I have.

I muster up as much of a smile as I can, “It is okay Asuka, I apologize that this seemed to coincide with such an event. If I had known this than I would not have…”

“No please… Don’t you dare apologize, you had no idea and this is… I really appreciate all of this.” Asuka interrupts me, “This food… it’s delicious and you are… well… never mind.”

I watch as she shakes her head and lowers her eyes, a moment later I too go back to staring at my empty plate. We both fall silent as I try to think of something to say to her. What has happened tonight is not the way that I had perhaps hoped it would. I don’t really know what grand ideas I had in my head, ones perhaps influenced by romantic media and conversation. A fantasy where she would come over and jump into my arms.

I realize how ridiculous that sounds though. In trying to work out my own feelings I had allowed my mind to wander down those paths. I allowed it to conjure up a fantasy where I would impress Asuka and by the end of the night confess my feelings. She would be impressed and confess hers and we would be… something.

Another silent minute passes us by as I continue to struggle for something to say to her. Everything I can think of now sounds ridiculous in comparison to what she has just told me. A part of me doesn’t wish to talk about any of it. Perhaps it is selfish on my part but I am too scared to know why she made that sudden decision and too scared to speak about it further. What exactly am I scared of? Losing my friendship with her? Confirmation that my feelings are not reciprocated? I don’t know, I’m just scared.

“Would you like me to leave?” Asuka finally speaks after another long and silent minute passes us by.

I look up at her and shake my head, “N-No… Please, I would like you to stay, if you would like to of course. I am sorry for my silence I am just… finding it difficult to find appropriate words to say right now.”

I take in a deep breath and try to think things over one more time. I think about all Asuka has told me since I met her. How she vanished from their lives the way she did and how Rei was the one who found her. It is not hard for me to see that Asuka would perhaps be happier if she were to re-establish those bonds with those people. I would wish to see Asuka happy above all else so I should encourage that, should I not?

I’m unable to bring myself to say anything yet. Instead I just look dumbly towards the kitchen and then back towards Asuka. I don’t wish for Asuka to leave but I can sense her discomfort for being here, perhaps if I gave her the opportunity she could leave.

“I will go and get dessert. I made us ice cream, I hope you enjoy it as much as you did the steak.”

I get up from my seat and wander over to the kitchen keeping my back turned. I crouch and open the freeze and put one hand in and on the tub of ice cream. Once there I wait for the inevitable to happen. Sure enough after a few seconds of waiting I hear the sound of Asuka getting up off of her chair. I close my eyes and listen for the sound of my door closing.

After thirty seconds I become confused when the sound doesn’t come. I finally open my eyes and hear her voice, “Kaworu… Are you alright? You’ve been crouched there for a minute?”

Her voice startles me and I jump in fright, pulling the tub of ice cream out of the freezer and knocking myself off balance, I land on the solid floor with a thud. Feeling somewhat embarrassed I slowly get up and turn to see her stood in the kitchen, “A-Asuka I thought you… I heard you get up and thought you had left.”

“Idiot…” She chuckles, “I was coming to see if you needed any help. It’s the least I could do for fucking your night up.”

“Oh…” I feel myself blush at her words as I clutch the tub of ice cream to my chest, “Then can… bowls…. Two please?”

She nods and pulls two bowls out of a nearby cupboard and sets them down on the counter top. I place the tub of ice cream down near to them and reach into the drawer to retrieve the ice cream scoop I purchased. Before I’m able to find it I feel Asuka’s hand on my wrist as she gently pulls it out of the drawer.

“Asuka what are you-“

“Shut up.” She commands me, “For just a moment there is something…”

She takes both of my wrists and guides me to the centre of my kitchen. I feel myself blush as her warm hands envelop my wrists and she looks into my eyes. She opens her mouth to say something but immediately closes it before shaking her head, “Kaworu can you… close your eyes for a moment please?”

“Why?” I ask.

“Just do it, please…”

I comply with the request and close my eyes completely unsure of what is to come next. The instant I shut them I feel her hands tighten around my wrists and I can sense her taking a step forward.

“Kaworu…” I hear her speak, “I’m going to say something to you and I want you to listen to me and not say anything until I’m done, is that okay?”

I nod.

“Good.” She pauses for a moment, “I probably made a mistake by agreeing to come here tonight after what happened but… despite that I am glad I came. If anything it… and you and what you did earlier has… confirmed something I guess. Something I’ve been thinking about for a while.”

I open my mouth to ask her what that thing is but immediately close it remembering her instruction from earlier.

“I made some mistakes today but what I’m about to do… I’m certain this isn’t a mistake.”

I feel her move forward again and then a brief moment later I feel a heat near to my face, close to my right cheek. Then a second later there is a softness that makes contact with my cheek. Almost instantly I open my eyes and see her moving her head away from me. She glares at me, “I thought I told you to keep your eyes closed!”

I open my mouth awkwardly, “A-Asuka I…”

I don’t quite know what to make of what has just happened. Did Asuka really just do what I think she did? If so what does that mean? What do I do now? How do I respond to that? I stand there dumbly as she continues to glare at me. I can no longer speak but it seems to don’t need to. Her glare softens, and she moves forward again.

“I was right, that wasn’t a mistake.”

This time my cheek is not the target and I’m ready for it. She presses her lips up against my own and my instincts take over. I bring my hands up and place them slowly and carefully on her back. I respond by trying to return the kiss as best I can. I can feel her arms come up and wrap themselves around me and we stand there for over a minute of blissful silence.


	8. A Story Never Told

**14 th September 2021**

**Asuka Langley Soryu – Early Morning**

**Kaworu's Apartment**

I slowly open my eyes to be greeted by the slightest slither of light coming in through the curtains. It’s funny in a way but this sofa and this room is actually starting to feel like a second home to me. The first night I spent here had been uncomfortable, I’ve always struggled with sleep as it is never mind in an unfamiliar home and on a sofa but now I’m starting to feel slightly comfortable waking up here. Maybe I should leave some things here for the next time.

I have to laugh at that strange thought. Only yesterday I was considering cutting off all contact with Kaworu. I was considering running away and never seeing him again, an effort to protect him from me. Or maybe it was just an effort to try to make sure I’m unhappy like I seem to feel I should be.

When I agreed to go to dinner with him I didn’t think it’d be like it was, I didn’t think he’d have cooked. I thought it’d be a matter of going out to dinner and then saying goodnight. It wasn’t his fault but him going to that effort triggered something inside of me, that voice that tells me I’m horrible and don’t deserve anything nice, certain not all that Kaworu had done for me. I so very nearly fucked up the night by listening to that voice. Still even without the voice I didn’t think I’d have ended up staying the night, nor did I think I’d have kissed him.

The kiss, was wonderful, awkward but I suppose that is to be expected. It would have been Kaworu’s first kiss after all and I’m not exactly massively experienced in that department either. My first kiss was with Shinji and I don’t need to go over how much of a disaster that was again. I’ve never really been one for too much kissing since then. It’s always been something of a means to an end, just something to get the blood flowing but little emotion/passion in there.

Kissing in a certain way always seemed to be romantic to me, something you’d save for the person you love. Thing about having a one-night stand is that both of you don’t really care about love and romance, you’re there for a brief bit of fun and then you move on and never see them again. So of the two encounters I’ve had sticking to the no/little kissing rule has been quite easy.

What wasn’t as easy was stemming those feelings of guilt and the voices telling me how horrible I am for a few days afterwards. I don’t know what else I expected to happen though. I mean I am me after all. I can barely even please myself without feeling guilty afterwards so what did I expect when someone else is involved?

I don’t feel strange nor do I feel any guilt about kissing Kaworu though. What happened last night was something I wanted to do, something that felt right to do and something that made me feel good and I’m damn sure it made him feel good too. Thinking about the kiss is actually making me smile, I can still feel Kaworu’s soft lips on mine and him holding me gently in his arms.

Despite being inexperienced he seems to have eased into it fairly quickly. We kissed for what must have been well over a minute, both of us stood there holding one another peacefully. At no point did Kaworu try to overstep any boundaries. I suppose that was probably down to Kaworu not really knowing what to do and maybe a bit of fear of any retaliation from me.

I did sense some awkwardness from him after we finished kissing, both of us wondering what to do next. I could see the embarrassment in Kaworu’s face and also feel that his body clearly seemed to have an idea of what he wanted to do next but I decided to not draw attention to that. Instead I backed away slowly and allowed him to settle down before asking him to finish preparing the ice cream.

We didn’t sit at his dining table for the ice cream, instead we sat on the couch and put on a concert DVD he had bought. We had a spoon each and managed to finish off the entire tub before the concert had finished. The ice cream, for the record, was just as delicious as the main meal was.

Shortly afterwards we realized just how late it was and instead of me getting a taxi back Kaworu asked if I would like to stay the night. I agreed and he brought out some sheets and pillows for me to sleep on the sofa. A part of me considered asking to sleep in his bed but I held back, maybe that’d be a step too far for the moment.

In addition there were things I wanted to think about. A vast number of questions started to enter my head. What exactly are me and Kaworu now? Are we boyfriend and girlfriend? I do like him, I’ve already admitted that to myself and I wouldn’t have kissed him if I didn’t but I still wonder about him. Does he like me because I’m the first person to reach out to him? If he does then how far will this go?

I have other things to think about too. I was going to contact Shinji yesterday, I was going to speak to Rei as well but now this has happened. Do I explain this to her? Do I tell Shinji? Will Kaworu want me to contact Shinji and tell him? What will those two think about this? In a way I know it’s none of their business but I know how tangled the web is between the four of us and I’m sick of it.   
  
I know with a few words I can start untangling that web but I don’t want to hurt people, least of all Shinji. I don’t want this web to be so tangled anymore.

**Kaworu Nagisa**

It's morning and I have been awake for at least an hour but have not yet gotten out of my bed. Instead I've been lying here with my mind wandering through a maze of thoughts about last night and questions about me, my past and who I am and was.

Thoughts of last night echo prominently in my mind for the moment. Asuka... Last night she kissed me and it was such a wonderful thing. It was astonishing. In fact, I don't think I can find an adjective suitable to sum up the experience.

Yet, despite how wonderful the experience was I still feel an amount of trepidation about the whole thing. I worry that despite my enjoyment of it that it might not have been as good for Asuka. I question if perhaps I should have done more during the kiss, I wonder if she was expecting me to do more or even if I might have done too much when I held her. I even question If I was any good at kissing her.

In addition, there was one other slight problem I experienced whilst kissing her. It's an issue that I've only had to deal with when on my own and never in the company of another person. Being kissed and held by her in such away aroused me and to be in that state in front of another person was embarrassing. I don't know if Asuka noticed it, I hope that she didn't, she didn't call attention to it if she did but regardless it was not a comfortable experience.

If anything, to have my body betray me in such a way was humbling and slightly terrifying. I was aware that the human body does respond in such a way but I didn't expect to happen to quickly and it to feel like it did. In truth, it scared me and I worry that if I felt awkward in that situation how would I feel if it had progressed further?

It was further confirmation that I am definitely not the same Kaworu of years ago. Arousal was not something I felt in that form and unlike now I did not have any qualms back then about being naked in front of others. For me the body I inhabited was little more than an instrument to carry me forward into the next form.

Now however my body is so much more and I am aware of it in ways that I wasn't before. I am aware of how it looks, I am aware of how it feels, I am aware of size and of my differences. I have found myself comparing my body to others and understanding how I am different to them. To describe it best, previously I was inhabiting a body but it felt more like my consciousness was merely floating above it. Perhaps not too dissimilar to how Asuka or Shinji would feel in an Evangelion. Now I feel that I am as one with my body, both myself and it are in sync.

With this heightened awareness also comes feelings of guilt with how I might have acted towards others and how I might have made them uncomfortable. I can now understand the awkwardness that Shinji Ikari felt around me many years ago when I spoke to him and when I walked around naked in front of him. I remember finding it curious how he blushed and averted his eyes when in the showers with him. When he flinched as I touched his hand and panicked as I asked him to go to bed.

I understand why he was awkward now and Shinji, if I could see you again then I would say that I am sorry for that. I understand now and I did not mean to make you uncomfortable. If I had known then what I know now I would not have acted the way I did at all.

I angrily shake my head at that last thought, if I had known then what I know now? That was the point wasn’t it? That was why SEELE treated and raised me the way they did so that I wouldn’t act any differently. They kept me in such a state so that I would push forward to try to wipe out this world and betray my first friend in such a way without hesitation. They were responsible for who I was!

Yes I am sorry for what I did. Yes, maybe I could have acted differently and I accept that ultimately my actions were my own but I am not blameless in this scenario. It is not a matter of if I ever saw Shinji again I would apologize but a matter of when. I can’t help but feel our meeting is inevitable and when that time comes I know I will be terrified but I will face him and apologize for my actions.

The idea of that meeting does frighten me somewhat. I know not how such a thing would happen but after Asuka informing me last night of her desire to re-establish contact with him I know it will. These thoughts in turn bring me back to the kiss last night. I wonder what this means for me and Asuka going forward, I wonder what we are to one another? Are we a couple now? Will this go further or will she discover she made a mistake and say that this can’t go further?

I wonder what I am to Asuka? I know she has feelings to Shinji, that much is obvious so if she were to re-establish contact with him then what would that mean for me? Is what we might have only temporary and should I therefore enjoy it whilst I can?

I have so many questions and lying here is only causing me to go in circles thinking about them. Perhaps I should just get up and see what the day brings.

**Rei Ayanami**

**Emergence Facility Café**

As I enter the cafeteria I feel my phone vibrate inside my handbag. I stop for a moment to take my phone out and check the message. As I both thought and hoped the message is from Asuka and I quickly open it to check the contents.

_'Hi Rei, everything is fine here, there is nothing for you to worry about. I will contact you later, I have something I want you to look at and give me advice on. Also, I'm sorry about what happened with Shinji yesterday, I didn't think he would pick up. I hope I didn't cause any trouble for you.'_

I can't help but feel there is something slightly strange about the message Asuka has sent me, in fact there are two strange things about the message. I read through it once more for confirmation. First of all, Asuka is asking me for advice on something. That is extremely rare, if anything I'm usually the one asking her for advice where possible, especially in the earlier stages of our friendship when I was still discovering certain things.

Secondly Asuka has called Shinji by his name. Come to think of it she did a similar thing the last time we spoke but it didn't register properly in my mind. Perhaps I thought it was a simple slip of the tongue or she didn't realize due to other circumstances. This however, this had to have been deliberate. Which of course makes me curious.

Asuka has not said Shinji's name in a very long time, it is a fact that makes me quite sad that my best friend is unable to speak my brother's name. At the same time, I am also saddened by the fact that my brother is unable to speak by best friend's name. I don't know why the two of them are like this, perhaps it was a way to shield themselves from some sort of pain. Either way they have not mentioned one another's by name for a few years.

I wonder then what has caused Asuka to suddenly start to speak Shinji's name again, not only in this message but in our conversation a couple of weeks ago. I wonder if there is some significance to her doing this. Almost immediately I wonder if maybe this is a sign that she is ready to come back and see us all again. I would like that so much

Unfortunately, I am unable to find out the reasoning at the moment in time. I have a reason for being here and it would be bad of me to suddenly leave. I put my phone away and slowly walk towards one of the many free tables in the cafeteria. As I walk I can feel the eyes of the few people in the facility on me, I wonder if they are looking at me because of what I look like or because I'm one of the few people to pass through here in quite some time.

I sit myself down and start to observe. There are so very few people here, at one point this place might have dealt with a hundred or so people emerging from instrumentality a week. Now I believe it is barely any, in fact aside from Nagisa I don't know if there have been any people emerge in the past year. It is my understanding that he was the first person they had recovered in quite some time.

I sit for another minute or two before I see the person I am supposed to meet finally arrive. Kodama Horaki, she is about a year or older in appearence than her sister Hikari and fairly similar in appearance. Much like Hikari she also wears her hair in two shoulder length pigtails and each of her cheeks is also dotted with a small number of freckles.

She has a soft, caring expression which I suppose fits someone who works in a facility such as this and she is at the moment wearing a pair of glasses with a thin black rim. She is also wearing the uniform of this facility which is something of a contrast to the short black dress she was wearing on our blind date the other night.

I must admit, when I agreed to go on that blind date that had been arranged by Hikari I was quite apprehensive. I disliked the idea of going on a date with someone I had not selected or met previously but I trusted Hikari's judgement. I did not expect that the date be with her sister, nor did I expect to find her sister so attractive and charming.

Kodama notices me and give me a quick smile because making her way over to where I am sitting. I get up from my seat and we both smile and nod at each other politely, "Hey Rei! I'm sorry I didn't get here sooner. We've had a few people come back this week so I've been busy dealing with the paperwork from all that. You haven't been waiting long, have you?"

I glance up at the clock and contrary to what Kodama has said I can see it is still another couple of minutes to go until we are supposed to meet. I shake my head, "No, I have not been waiting long. You are early as well actually."

Kodama turns to look at the clock herself and shakes her head, "Damn clocks in the office must be wrong then. Can I get you anything? They do a really good hot chocolate here?"

I nod, "That sounds nice, I would like that then."

"No problem, I'll be back in a moment then."

I watch Kodama as she gets up and goes to get our drinks. Whilst she is gone I take the opportunity to look around the facility once again. Her informing me that others have been returning has intrigued me. I wonder how many people in total have come back this year and if this has something to do with Nagisa suddenly returning earlier this year.

Perhaps it is the case that Nagisa returning was the beginning of a new wave of returnees. Although I fail to see how this could be the case. The way to return is for a person to want to come back and to be able to imagine themselves in one's heart. I fail to see how one person returning could allow others to do that. It is likely this is just coincidence, after all as long as there are people still within instrumentality the possibility remains that they will return.

The fact that people can still return is one that makes me feel somewhat anxious. I know that there is one person still within that sea who is unlikely to ever want to come back. Yet I fear that one day we will find out that he has returned and I worry that his return would ruin the stability we have enjoyed for so very long. It has not been perfect but it is better than anything he could have offered.

I shake my head, I am not here to contemplate the return nor even the existence of that man. I am here to find out what I can about Nagisa. I admit, I do feel bad about suddenly coming to Kodama and asking for this. I do understand that it might make me look bad in her eyes but I am only trying to ensure Asuka and Shinji are safe and I hope Kodama understands.

At the same time, I am also here to see Kodama again, I enjoyed our date together and I would very much like to go on another one, if that is something she desires.

Just as I finish that thought she returns with a tray and two cups of hot chocolate. She lowers it onto the table and I take one of the cups from the tray and wrap my arms around it enjoying the warm sensations spreading through my fingers.

"How are you then Rei?"

"I am good." I reply, "Are you doing well?"

She nods and gives me a cute smile, "I'm good! Just been a bit busier recently due to more people returning. It's nowhere near as busy as it used to be a couple of years ago but they also moved a lot of staff on so it's little more than a skeleton crew here so double or triple the work."

"Has this only just started?" I ask.

"Started picking up again in February actually, started out at just one or two a week, around April it was five or six and in the past week we've had at least ten. They've actually been looking at pulling in more staff to cover it, problem is a lot of people who used to work here have moved on to higher paying places and won't want to come back so we're looking at juniors and volunteers for the moment."

"I see." I nod and make a note in my head to speak to Misato about the situation. Perhaps she might be able to find someone to speak to someone who can arrange help for Kodama and the facility, "I hope that you are able to get the help needed here soon."

"Me too!" She sips from her drink, "I suspect... that you're not here to speak to me about my work, are you? Or at least, not what I've been up to in the past week anyway."

I shake my head, "No... I am not."

"This is about that one who came back in January isn't it? Kaworu?"

I can feel the tightening sensation of guilt in my chest as I hear the disappointment in her voice.

"I apologize I did not mean to misle-"

She shakes her head, "No, it's fine, I sort of expected it to be honest. Can I just ask... and be honest, when you agreed to that date did you... did you know?"

I shake my head, "No I did not, it was not until I met you and you told me that I learned about you working here. I also... that is not the only reason I am here."

She raises a curious eyebrow, "Oh?"

"I also wanted to ask if you would like to see me again. I very much enjoyed our time together on that date and would like to see you again. I apologize for being here to ask about Nagisa but I am very worried about a friend."

"I see, in which case I understand." She pauses, "Dinner tonight then?"

"Yes, that would be nice."

"Okay then, I'll come and pick you up at around seven." She takes another sip from her cup, "So what do you want to know about Kaworu, keep in mind I can't tell you too much. I know... what he was especially in relation to you guys but some things have to remain private."

"I understand, I would not want you to put your job at risk." I reply, "Was there anything unusual about his return?"

Kodama shrugs, "Nothing really, pretty standard across the board. He had a bit of emergence sickness but aside from that he seemed healthy enough."

Kodama pauses for a moment, "Well... There is one thing I suppose."

I raise an eyebrow out of curiosity, "Oh?"

"Well most people... When they emerge, they come out the same age as when they went in. It happened to me, it's why I only look a year or two older than Hikari despite the age gap technically being a bit bigger. That didn't happen with Kaworu, he actually aged during the process."

"I see, and this has never happened before?"

Kodama shakes her head, "Not to my knowledge but... although it was a bit strange he was perfectly healthy regardless."

I take in her words and wonder if there is any importance to them. Kaworu aged whilst in Instrumentality but I wonder if that means anything. It is certainly curious to say the least but I fail to see how it affects anything.

“I see, and there was nothing unusual around him?” I’m not quite sure what sort of answer I’d expect to this question. Am I expecting A.T. Fields to have just started appearing at random? Objects to be thrown around or people to start having visions?

Again Kodama shakes her head, “No, nothing at all.”

“I see.”

“You sound almost disappointed.” Kodama smirks as she speaks and I feel my cheeks glow red slightly. I don’t quite know what I expected to hear today from her but I was hoping for something, perhaps anything that might prove me right that Kaworu can’t be trusted.

“What about Kaworu himself?” I ask fearing that I already know the answer.

“He was a nice person Rei, he was terrified of us all at first which is understandable given who he was but he did as we asked and he kept to himself.” Kodama pauses, “You know I… I felt sorry for him. He had clearly been through a lot and he told me a lot of things too.”

“Things you are unable to repeat?” I ask.

She nods, “Yes things I can’t repeat but the more I spoke to him the more I realized that he isn’t a bad person, he was a victim too.”

“I see.” Her words only echo the same things that Asuka has already told me about Nagisa. They are not the words I was hoping to hear or perhaps wanting to hear. They are not the words that confirm to me that Nagisa is a bad guy, they are instead the words that paint him as afraid and nice and a victim.

“I’m sorry I can’t tell you what you want to hear Rei.” Kodama speaks up, “I know what it’s like to be scared for a friend, I’ve seen my own friends do things and I’ve been terrified about them, hell my own sister when she started seeing Touji… I wanted to see only bad in him.”

I look up at her and laugh, “It isn’t that far fortunately. My friend has met him and is friends with him. I was concerned that he might hurt her. Do you think I am wrong to feel this way?”

She shakes he head, “No, not at all. I… think if I was in your position I’d feel the same way. With what he did it’s understandable that you would feel that way, I was… apprehensive about Kaworu at first but I had to put that aside for my job and because of that I could get to know him properly.”

“I see…” I finish what is left in my cup, “I just do not want my friend to be hurt, nor would I want Shinji to be hurt should Kaworu come back into his life.”

“Of course. If you can… perhaps you should try talking to Kaworu yourself. Get him to explain what happened and see if that will help you feel better.”

“Perhaps…”

I take a moment to think about it, perhaps I do need to speak to Nagisa to understand him more. Did we all not do bad things over that time period? I myself was guilty of a great many things, I myself knew what the Commanders plans were and I could have helped stop it at any time but I did not until the last moment. Myself and Kaworu… we are similar but I hate to admit that fact because I do not like facing the idea that I myself could have been a bad person, it is easier for me to pretend my life started when I emerged and what happened before was under the control of one man.

If I can be forgiven by Shinji and Misato and Asuka then perhaps I should be capable of forgiving Nagisa. Perhaps I should communicate with him. Perhaps he is not who I think him to be anymore and Kodama and Asuka are right.

“Look I have to go back to work now.” Kodama pulls me from my thoughts, “Give it a thought though and… still on for dinner tonight?”

I look up and smile, “Yes, thank you.”

\---

**Asuka Langley Soryu**

**14 th September 2021 – Early Evening – Kaworu’s Apartment**

I read through the paragraph one final time to confirm that it sounds correct and conforms to what the publisher wanted. A little bit of extra dialogue between the main character and the AI that controls the ship was all they had requested for that section. It wasn't a bad suggestion, the relationship between the main character and the AI is an important one, especially considering the revelations about the AI later one but I worry that too much dialogue will give things away too easily for readers.

Behind me I can hear Kaworu in the kitchen and preparing tonight's meal. I did try to suggest that we order food tonight but he was adamant that he cook something for us instead. I want along with it, still feeling somewhat guilty about nearly ruining the meal last night. From what I can smell I'm expecting a chicken curry tonight. My stomach growls in anticipation of it.

I open up my e-mail client to fire off another e-mail to my publisher with the changes they needed. Hopefully that will be the last thing and I don't need to alter anything else on the book. I also make sure to include a note telling them that I am not available for interviews and also tell them a firm no to the idea of getting someone to stand in as 'Mari Makinami' in interviews and readings.

I shake my head at the ridiculousness of that request. If anyone is going to speak for me then it'll be me and not someone paid to act as me. What annoyed me more is they even started to explore what Mari Makinami looks like! They sent me some sketch of some brown-haired girl with red rimmed glasses and a massive chest. It's clear what they were going for with that one.

They'll be disappointed but they can deal with it. Maybe one day I'll reveal that Mari isn't real and is actually I, the great Asuka Langley Soryu but until that time and only until that time there will be no press, no quotes and Mari remains silent and unseen.

I send off the e-mail and notice that I've received one from Rei some time ago. I must have been so wrapped up on my work I never noticed it come through. I also realize with some guilt that I was supposed to have contacted her earlier today. It has just turned six in the evening here which means for Rei it'll be the early hours of the morning. I could risk it, knowing what Rei is like she could still be awake but it's probably best I don’t.

I open up the e-mail,

_'Hello Asuka,_

_I received your message and I am pleased to read that everything is okay, I was concerned after your phone call yesterday._

_As far as Shinji goes I do not think he suspected that it might have been you, it seems that the measures we put in place worked but I must admit I do not feel good about this. I feel bad for deceiving him in such a way but I understand that it is your wish that he does not know.'_

I feel a tightening in my chest at reading that last paragraph. I feel guilty as well about it, I don't want to put Rei in that position and I know it's hurting him. It should only just be for a little while longer though. I'll... I'll contact him Rei.

_'For contacting me, unfortunately I am not going to be in this evening so it would probably be better if you contacted me tomorrow. I will message you with a safe time to do so. I am glad to hear that you are well._

_Also, I feel I should apologize for my actions when you told me about your friendship with Nagisa. Whilst I am still apprehensive about him and will likely remain so until I am certain he can cause no harm to you or my brother I appreciate that you might have a different perspective having spoken to him directly and spent time with him._

_If I have angered you in any way when speaking about him then I apologize for that as well._

_I will speak to you tomorrow._

_Rei_

_xx_

(\\-/)

(='.'=)

  (")-(")o

I ready myself to write a reply to her when Kaworu suddenly announces from the kitchen that dinner is ready.

“No problem, let me just…” I look up whilst speaking and see his big dumb smiling face beaming at me and then I gaze over towards the table where I see he has already set out two plates. I let out a laugh and shake my head, “Never mind, it can wait.”

The laptop screen gets folded down and the device itself placed onto his coffee table before I get up and make my way over the table. I sit myself down and Kaworu takes a seat opposite me. I look down at my plate and just as I guessed it is indeed a simple chicken curry. My mouth starts to water at the sight of it and I look up to see Kaworu is looking at me expectantly. He catches me eye and quickly looks down at his own plate.

I smile to myself as I mix up some of the rice with the sauce and scoop it onto my fork along with a good sized piece of chicken. Just as with the meal last this this too is incredibly tasty and I start to feel like I could get used to the idea of Kaworu cooking for me.

I’m barely haflway through my first mouthful before I hear Kaworu speak, “Is it to your liking?”

I shoot him a glare as I try to finish my mouthful of food, I swallow and nod, “It is delicious.”

Kaworu breathes a sigh of relief and then starts to eat from his plate too. I simple shake my head and let out a laugh as I see an embarrassed smile creep onto his lips.

“I apologize if my questioning is annoying.” He speaks, “I am simply not used to doing something like this, I have only cooked for myself so I don’t know if it is good for others. Your approval in particular means a lot to me.”

“It’s fine, I guess I can deal with it for the moment.” I remark with another laugh and continue to eat the meal. Every now and then I’ll rip off a bit of the naan bread and use it to dip into my curry and scoop up bits of rice. As I do this I look up to see Kaworu is looking at me and staring at his own bread. I grin at him, “You know how bread works right?”

He nods, “I know how it works for sandwiches but I was unsure how it worked in context of this meal. I… forgot to research that part.”

I continue to laugh, “Well it’s not like there are any rules to it you idiot! Just rip it off and dip it in your food or whatever.”

“Oh I see…” He tentatively rips apart a piece of the bread, “I was also uncertain about the heat of the meal as well. Is this too your liking? It is not too hot?”

“Kaworu...” I speak sternly, “It’s good. I’ve got a pretty high tolerance when it comes to hot food anyway. Besides it should be you who is more concerned with that with it being your first curry, how is it for you?””

Kaworu nods, “It is good although I will admit the sensation of heat is something I am unused to but I am sure I will adapt to it over time.”

“Well you picked a good curry to start with, some of them would probably kill you.” I joke but see him look at me with a horrified expression.

“Really? A curry can do that.”

“No not really!” I shake my head, “It’d probably be really unpleasant though.”

“Oh… Good, I think… I will avoid that sort of thing all the same.”

“A wise decision.” I smile and we resume eating our meals in a comfortable silence. I reach over to get a drink, another bottle of wine from Kaworu’s fridge that he has gotten out. This is another white wine, a Spanish wine this time, whatever that means. It tastes good though.

I have to admit Kaworu has done well with the two meals he has cooked so far, I’m quite surprised how someone who has only been properly human for less than a year and never had to cook before is able to do this. I guess he’s had little choice but to do it though.

As we continue to eat a strange thought suddenly enters my head. It’s something I haven’t actually realized until now but Kaworu is eating meat. In fact this is not the first time, he has had it on a number of occasions since I’ve met him. Yet I thought with him technically being the same as Rei he too would be unable to eat meat like her.

“Kaworu… Can I ask something?”

“Of course.” He replies after sipping from his wine glass.

“This might seem strange but… Why is it that you are able to eat meat?” I ask.

“I do not understand.” He looks at me curiously.

“It’s just… You and Rei are similar right?” I wait for him to nod, “She can’t eat meat but you can, why is that?”

“Oh, that would be…” Kaworu looks up and shakes his head sadly, “I believe that is due to the way in which we were created.”

“Explain.”

“You are right that myself and Rei are similar, we were both created from a human doner and supplanted with the soul of one of the seeds of life. In my case it was Adam and her case Lilith. I do not believe that Rei Ayanami’s creation was as smooth as mine was, she was created from the scavenged DNA of Yui Ikari whilst my donor was in a stronger and more complete position.”

“Who was your donor?” I ask him.

“I do not know, it is not information that I was ever granted access to nor did I seek it out. I do not know if that person lives nor do I know if they were even aware that they were a donor. Knowing SEELE I would doubt both things, they disliked loose ends.”

Kaworu pauses for a moment to sip from his wine again, “With my creation there was an entire team of people working around the clock to ensure my body was kept fit and healthy. I was attended to at all times by the best doctors and scientists in the world. I do not believe Rei would have been… as fortunate as I was.”

I bow my head slightly as I recall the various stories I heard about Rei’s so-called upbringing. I never saw any of it for myself but I have heard of the place where she lived. I heard Rei and the others speak about how it was in some abandoned part of Tokyo-3, how it had walls that were damp and rotting away and it was unpopulated aside from the unfortunate homeless of Tokyo-3 and a myriad of rats.

I once called her the Commander’s favourite. I looked at her with envy believing that she lived a life of luxury and praise. That because she had the Commander’s attention she had everything that I thought I wanted. How wrong was I? How awful must I have sounded when I said those things to her?

“No… She really wasn’t…” I finally mutter.

“All of these additional resources meant that… my human vessel was stronger than that of Ayanami’s. SEELE thought I necessary to minimize weakness as best they could for me to carry out their goals.”

“I see…” I prod a piece of chicken with my fork before stabbing it angrily and shoving it into my mouth.

“SEELE made an effort to suppress my humanity. They wanted their vessel strong but wanted to keep my humanity at bay except for where it would benefit them. They would remind me constantly of what I was and what I had been put on this earth to do. They wanted me to be unable to resist the call on that day.”

“You meant the day you betra-“ I catch myself before I finish the word but I can see still the spark of sadness in his eyes, “I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to.”

Kaworu simply shakes his head, “No… That is what it was, it was a betrayal. I betrayed my only friend because I was unable to resist my own urges. I was unable to spot the lies in front of me and gave into the desire to reunite with the being known as Adam.”

He tears off a piece of bread and dips it into his curry, “As… ‘Tabris’… I always felt something calling to me. I was told what it was, that call was an answer to the pain of loneliness that I always felt. Each passing day that pain grew larger and the call grew more alluring.”

There is another brief pause as he scoops up a bit of rice with his bread, “SEELE explained it all of course. They told me of the being known as Adam and how it was waiting under Tokyo-3 for me. Not only that but they gave it a purpose, not only would it cure the pain I felt but it’d cure the world. All would be reborn and perfect!”

I see his expression darken as he continues, “I believed every lie they told me, so when I got to Tokyo-3 I knew what I had to do. When I was there I felt the call grow even stronger, it spoke to me, it wanted me and it only confirmed what I had been told until… I finally got to it and I saw it wasn’t Adam at all. It was Lilith and in that moment… I knew the truth.”

I rise from my seat and make my way over to him and hold him, running my hand through his soft hair, “It’s okay Kaworu… I know the rest.”

“There are times when I don’t know if I should blame SEELE for it or if I should blame myself. I had the power within me to resist it. I could conjure an A.T. Field of such strength, my S2 Organ gave me unlimited power, I could have… I could have resisted SEELE but… I was weak to the call and their lies.”

“Stop it!” I say sharply as I continue to hold him, “There was nothing you could have done and… things worked out in the end.”

“Perhaps!” He nods, “I suppose… there is little point in me thinking about that now.”

“No… No you won’t.” I pat him on the back and move back to my seat, as I sit back down I see Kaworu smiling at me again.

“Thank you Asuka… for listening to me.” He pauses.

I shrug, “Don’t worry about it.”

“I… I don’t know if it is appropriate but there is something I wanted to ask.”

“Go ahead.” I reply to him with a mouthful of chicken and rice.

“How come you decided to come back to Germany?”

“Ah.”

I didn’t expect him to ask me that, at least not yet. I shake my head, “It was… just something I felt I had to do to be honest. It wasn’t like there was a big argument or incident I just… I couldn’t be there anymore with them and I had to come back.”

I pause and try to recall the day that I left.

**\---**

**6 th June 2016 - Asuka Langley Soryu**

My eyes open immediately at the sound of my alarm going off and I quickly bring my hand down to silence the device. I lie still for a few moments staring at the time, it's early, far too early for my liking and for a brief moment I contemplate rolling back over and going back to sleep. I realize however that it is simply not possible for me to do that, I'm awake this early for a reason, so instead all I can do is let out and annoyed sigh and sit up.

That annoyance at the situation soon fades when I reach over to turn on my lamp and see the card and wrapped up box waiting on my bedside table. Instead I feel something else, sadness? Regret? Fear? I'm not entirely sure, it's a mixture of feelings but I suppose that's to be expected.

I reach over and pick up the card and turn it over in my hand to reveal Shinji's name written, in beautiful handwriting, on the card. I shake my head as certain thoughts enter my mind.

_'You don't have to do this... You can stop it, just tell him that you changed your mind. He already said you can change your mind at any time, it wouldn't exactly be difficult.'_

I put the card back down on the table and shake my head. I can't stop this, not now, it's something that I have to go through with. I can't stay in this place any longer, I just... I can't be here anymore. I just don't belong here, I don't deserve to be here with these people.

I know they probably feel the same, that I don't belong here with them. I can't blame them really, not after the way I've acted towards them all. Sure, it's not like I've acted like that since we all returned but that doesn't matter. They still remember and so do I and I know it's just a matter of time before that monster surfaces again.

Of course, they're too polite to ask me to leave so I'm going to make it easy for them. I contacted Fuyutsuki weeks ago and arranged this. I've packed what few belongings I have and I'll leave before any of them wake up. There are just a few things I need to do first.

I step out of the bed and look at the clock again. I need to be quick and quiet during this. Everythign has been planned out, I need to shower first then I'll get dressed before giving Shinji his gift. When that is done I'll leave and they won't need to see me again, I'll tell Fuyutsuki to let Misato know what I've done but not where I've done. It'll be better this way, if they find out they'll just try to get me to stay and... I'll probably do it.

I slide the door to my room open as quietly as I can and slip out into the main hallway. It's only a short distance to the bathroom from here but I do need to make my way through the living room, that brings me to my first obstacle. As I enter the living room I can hear a soft snoring sound and I immediately freeze and look towards the source of the sound.

I try to stifle a laugh as I see Rei lying on the sofa, or at least the hair of Rei Ayanami. Somehow, and I'm not sure how, she has managed to roll herself up in her blankets to create a perfect blanket burrito, or as I might call it a 'bureito.'

_'No more sofa for you after today Rei, you can have that room now.'_

A few brief moments later I'm in the bathroom, have disrobed and turned the shower on. As the water comes down around me my thoughts turn once more to why I'm doing this today. When were those seeds sewn of me wanting to leave? I can't really pin down an exact moment, I guess it was just a feeling I had ever since we call came back from Third Impact.

Thing started off well enough. Shinji was the first person to return on that day and I was not far behind. I can still remember those initial moments on the beach when I returned. I can remember the rush of emotions, the pain and the confusion of it all. I can remember what Shinji did, or tried to do to me in his confusion and how I was able to stop him.

I can remember how he sat there and cried when he realized what it was he was doing and how afterwards we lay in silence just holding one another. We even spoke to one another after it, we actually had a proper and decent conversation. I told him things about my life, about my mother and my upbringing and he told me about his. It was nice, it was cathartic and it felt right.

Of course, that feeling couldn't last. Barely a day later Misato returned and soon afterwards Rei turned up before more and more people came back. There was no more talking after that, there was no more holding one another and there was barely any communication. Shinji had Misato and Rei to confide in now, he had his family back and I... Well I've never had a family, Misato tried to make me feel welcome but I'd already burned those bridges, hadn't I? So, it never felt right.

Soon afterwards we fell into routines. Shinji became more withdrawn as more people came back, he won't venture out of the apartment and is terrified of anyone knowing who he is. I spend most of my time outside the apartment going on long walks and avoiding people.

Rei... Rei actually went back to school as soon as she could. It's strange but she has grown so much from the girl she used to be. She is still quiet but you can see a spark of humanity in her that wasn't there before. She speaks about what she wants to do in the future, of places she wants to go and things she'd like to see.

As far as my future goes... I've thought about it but what sort of future does someone like me have? Shinji... Rei... Misato, they all have a chance, they're all heroes and can do whatever they want but me? I'm little more than nothing. I'm the girl who lost, I'm the girl who failed, the girl who had the potential but squandered it all. I'm the monster who did nothing but hurt others.

I'm the one who screamed and yelled because she couldn't get her own way. I'm the one who turned everyone away who tried to help. What does the future hold for someone like me? All I'm capable of is hurting other people. Everyone here knows it too. They think I don't notice it but I can see and feel their eyes on me when I walk around this town. I know how Misato and Rei look at me, I know they're terrified that I'll hurt Shinji and I don't blame them. I've done it once so why not again?

_'Because you aren't that person anymore, you don't shout or yell anymore. You don't need to be like that...'_

It's a nice thought that passes through my mind but what if it isn't true? Besides, even if I'm not that person anymore it doesn't erase the person I was and the person they think I am. I'd rather save the others the hassle of having to tip toe around be because they're frightened. I just hope they all go forward to have a happy life, they deserve it.

I turn the shower off and wrap a towel around myself. I slip out of the bathroom and once more past the bureito lying on the sofa. Within moments I'm back in my room and drying off. I hastily throw my clothes on and grab the gift and card. This is the last thing I need to do, probably the most difficult task.

I take those few careful steps to Shinji's door and slide it open as quietly as I can. I take a feep breath to steady my nerves before stepping into his room. It's dark, save for a thin slither of light coming in through a crack in his curtains. The light is providing just enough illumination for me to see him lying on his bed. He's facing away from me, good, that'll make this easier.

I silently approach the side of the bed and place the gift and card down on his bedside table before kneeling next to the bed.

"Shinji..." I whisper to him, "I'm... I'm leaving. I don't know how long I'm going for, it might be a short amount of time or it might be forever but please... promise me you won't look for me okay."

I let out a sigh, "I... I just... I don't deserve to be here with you guys. You're all good people but me... I'm not, I was horrible to you all, I was a monster and... I know we should be leaving that in the past but I can't. I think about who I was every day and I just can't forget that. I just... I wanted to see you one last time and maybe do something nice for you."

I pause as I feel the stinging of tears in my eyes, I bring up a hand to wipe the tear away and continue to speak to him, my whispering voice trembling as I do so, "Today is your birthday isn't it? I got you a card and a gift, I hope you like it. I got you a new music player, I know you lost your old one and I know you loved it so... I wanted to get you something nice. I also... put some money in the card too, so get yourself something nice with it. Some new shirts to replace the white ones you always have or a nice cake."

I pause again and smile, "I'm sorry for everything I did Shinji. I never meant to hurt you or anyone else like I did. I just hope you know that I never meant it when I said I hated you, I always liked... no... I always loved you Shinji, I still do and... maybe I always will but I just can't be here anymore so... goodbye Shinji and... Happy Birthday."

With those final words I quickly turn around and leave his room. I rush back into my room blinking furiously and bringing my hands up to my eyes to wipe away any tears that threaten to run down my cheeks. I quickly grab my case and head back out into the hallway towards the front door. I slip my feet into my shoes and open the front door as quietly as I can.

As I step out a cool breeze hits my cheeks and I turn to see the solemn figure of Kozo Fuyutsuki.

"Fuyutsuki." I nod towards him.

"So, you're actually leaving? You don't want to change your mind?" He asks me.

"Yes." I confirm without hesitation, "Let's get this over and done with."


	9. Get At The Truth

**15 th September 2021 – Early Morning – Kaworu's Apartment**

There are several thoughts running through my head as I pick up my phone and try to work out the time in Japan right now. Right at the forefront is what I'm going to say to Rei when I speak to her. I still haven't quite made up my mind about what it is I'm going to do regarding the e-mail, I want to tell her but then if I do that means I have to send the damn thing and I'm still not sure if I should do that.

There is also the ongoing situation with Kaworu to consider. I know I don't have to tell Rei about what happened the other night but I feel like I have to. I feel like I have this duty to tell Rei the truth about it. I feel like I'll be worse off in some way if I keep that from her.

At the same time, I don't even know what me and Kaworu are at the moment. Are we just good friends or something more? Are we boyfriend and girlfriend now? It's not as if we've sat down since we kissed and spoke about it. Yet, I know that we are something because of the way we speak to each other, because of the way we look at each other and the way that I feel about him. I feel comfortable around him, I feel like I can talk to him and tell him anything.

The proof of that was last night when I told him the circumstances of my leaving Japan to come back to Germany. It's a story I hadn't told before, it was a day I hadn't thought about for a very long time. I hadn't even told Rei about what had happened on that day and she is my best friend. So clearly that means me and Kaworu have something.

I am still apprehensive about what that thing might be though. I don't know if I'm ready for that sort of thing or if I can be the person Kaworu needs. I still feel like the only thing I'm good for is hurting him and other people, I still remember clearly that person I was before Third Impact and I worry that she is still there. I still worry that people will remember that person too and realize that I'm not worth the effort. I don't want to be alone, I don't want people to abandon me but at the same time I know what I was and if they did I only have myself to blame.

I wonder if this thing between Kaworu and myself is a good thing. Kaworu deserves someone nice and kind for him, he deserves someone who can provide warmth and comfort and support. Someone like...

I shake my head before my mind travels down that path. Of all the people I can think of who would be perfect for Kaworu it would have to be Shinji wouldn't it? Shinji does fit that bill though, sure he was a bit of an idiot and oblivious but he was kind, he was nice to be around and before things went downhill he could provide support. As Eva pilots we brought out the best in each other, I just didn't want to admit that back then.

Of course, Kaworu would have been perfect for him too. Kaworu is good looking, kind and able to listen. The two of them would actually have been a good couple were it not for the whole betrayal and one having to kill the others. I'm not sure that is a bridge that can be mended now and naturally there is Rei to consider, I dread to think what she would do if Kaworu approached Shinji.

I stop mid thought and shake my head, what the hell am I thinking? Why am I thinking all of this, why am I pairing this guy up with someone else when it's me who likes him and who kissed him. What the hell happened to me? Why can't I just allow myself to pursue happiness for myself? I want to be with Kaworu! I don't to actually try this and prove I'm not that person anymore, that's why I didn't run.

That's why I am still here right now, that's why I kissed him and why I spent last night cuddled up with him. That's why I told him the story of how I left Japan. I like this guy and... maybe, just maybe I actually deserve to be happy too.

I look down at my phone again feeling I can't put this off any longer. I scroll to Rei's name and fire off a quick message telling her to call me. I don't want to risk phoning her first and having Shinji answer, this time I'm doing it as we arranged. A minute later my phone starts to ring and I quickly answer it, "Rei?"

There is a brief moment of silence and I worry that maybe it is Shinji but much to my relief I hear her voice come through,  _"Hello Asuka, it's good to hear your voice."_

I smile to myself, "It's good to hear yours too Rei, I was worried for a moment that it might have been Shinji?"

_"Shinji is not here at the moment, he is out with Touji and Kensuke."_

"Oh, that's good! He still doesn't suspect anything does he?"

_"No he does not, at least he has not said anything."_

"Good..." I nod my head, "I wouldn't want him to... find out about me like that. I want him to find out properly. That's... why I'm calling you actually, there's something I wanted to ask you."

 _"Are you ready to tell Shinji you are alright?"_  Rei's question comes quickly and I can hear the excitement in her voice.

I let out a sigh, "I... I don't know Rei, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I've got a few... issues that need working out."

 _"Yes, I am aware."_  I can hear the sarcasm in her voice.

"You know Rei, there is a time and place for sarcasm."

_"I apologize."_

"It's fine, I'll allow it... but only because you're my best friend." I laugh.

_"What is it you wished to talk to me about?"_

"It's about... Well over the last few weeks a few things have happened and it's made me do a lot of thinking. I mean you came to visit me in Germany and then we found out about Kaworu it just... made me think about the past and why I left Japan... I keep on thinking about what I've asked you to do, to hide the truth about me and I'm wondering if I should... contact them."

 _"If there is anything I can do to help I will do so!"_  Rei cuts me off, again sounding very excited by what I'm saying,  _"I can arrange travel and somewhere for you to stay."_

"Wait! Rei... Wait..." I stop her, "I don't know if I'm ready for... anything in person but I... I wrote an e-mail to Shinji. I was going to send it and it was going to explain everything, like why I left and what I've been doing but it was also going to... I was going to mention you. I wanted you to look at it first and... Make sure it was alright I guess."

 _"I see."_  Rei pauses for a moment,  _"That should be acceptable, when will you send it?"_

I freeze for a brief moment as I realize the implications of what I've just said. I feel that rush of nerves in side my stomach, there is no going back now.

"I... I'll send it this afternoon."

_"That's great! Do you want me to show him as well?"_

"No!" I quickly reply, "No, absolutely not... not yet. I just want you to look at it. I've... explained about you finding me and why I left and a few other things. Just take a look and tell me if you want anything changing, I don't want... to cause any problems for you."

 _"I understand."_  Rei pauses,  _"I am happy for you to tell the truth about our situation though. I am sure that he will understand and there will be no issue."_

"I hope not." I hesitate for a moment before moving onto the next section, "Thank you Rei."

_"It is not a problem, I am so glad that this is finally happening."_

I let out a laugh, "Well... don't get too far ahead of yourself yet. I still need to send it to him and then... well we'll see what happened. Just don't think I'll be flying out there next week okay."

_"Don't worry I will be patient but when you have sent it we should look at flying you over here to see him and MIsato and the others. I'm certain they'll all be so happy to hear from you!"_

"Yeah..." I want to believe what she is saying but my mind just doesn't let me believe it. After the way I left and all the ways I hurt Shinji before that I can't believe he'd ever be happy to hear from me again. I'm also fairly certain that flying out there like Rei wants is probably out of the question too. Even if Shinji is happy to see me I still have to deal with the likes of MIsato and the others and I know that they'll probably have a less than favorable opinion of me.

Suddenly as I look at the phone in my hand I start to wonder what it is I'm doing. Should I really be contemplating sending this e-mail? Is this really worth it? What exactly am I trying to achieve? It's too late now though, I'd already said I'm going to do it and... I'm sick of running away. I don't want to run away anymore.

 _"I know you have difficulty believing that Asuka."_  Rei suddenly speaks,  _"But they do. Misato speaks about you often, she told us how she regrets the way she treated you and that she should have done more for you."_

I shake my head, "She's just saying that..."

 _"No she isn't."_  Rei stops me,  _"She was really upset the day you left, she blamed herself for it all and was ready to do everything she could to get you back. The only reason she didn't is because Fuyutsuki told her about your demands. Even then she still tried to find you for at least a month afterwards."_

I sit down on the bed, Rei had never told me that before. I always thought that Misato just accepted that I had gone. I wonder what I would have done if she had tracked me down, would I have gone back willingly? Would I have told her to go away? If she had tracked me down and found me it would have been confirmation that they did care but would I have believed it back then?

"Rei..."

_"The others as well, HIkari misses her friend, she was looking forward to going back to school with you in her class. Even Touji and Kensuke missed you."_

"Well I didn't miss those idiots!" I laugh, "Look Rei just... don't expect me to be back over there immediately. It's not that easy, even if I wanted to I have commitments here with the book and with... Kaworu too..."

 _"What about over Christmas then? It would be wonderful to see you over that time and Shinji has a performance with his new group that I am sure he'd love for you to attend."_  There is a brief pause,  _"I suppose... if he proves himself then Nagisa would be able to come as well."_

"Yeah..." I trial off and think about it. It does sound nice, my book releases at the start of December and then spending time with them in Japan? Would I be able to do it? I'm not sure, I still don't know if I can send this damn e-mail yet and besides I still don't know how people will react. Rei is telling me these things about how I was missed and how people care but I don't know how true that is.

Besides... there is Kaworu to consider as well. Me and Kaworu... we are something now and we probably will be by then. I might be welcome, but would he? How would they react if we turn up as a couple?

"Actually Rei... I need to tell you about Kaworu..."

_"What is it? Has he hurt you?"_

"No! Nothing like that, it's just..." I sigh, "He invited me to his place for dinner other night for dinner and... it was really nice Rei and I... I kissed him. I... I think I like him..."

_"You kissed Nagisa?"_

I feel my stomach drop as the tone in her voice gets darker. All of a sudden, I get the feeling that I've just done something very wrong.

_"Yes... I did."_

There is a long pause from the other end of the line, "Rei, are you okay?"

 _"I am afraid I have to go. Goodbye Asuka."_  I can hear the venom in her voice as she speaks to me. It’s frightening in a way. I’ve never heard her sound angry like that before.

"Wait Rei don-"

I try to stop her from going but I barely get halfway through my sentence before the line goes dead. I stare at the device for a few moments and feel my hand tighten around it. I stand up and try to suppress the urge to throw my phone at the wall in anger. Not anger at Rei but at myself, I should have known better than to tell her that.

A moment later my phone vibrates again. It’s a message and I know it’ll be from Rei. I don’t know what it’ll say but after hearing her hang up like that I almost dread to think about it. I should have waited to tell her about myself and Kaworu, I should have waited until she had the chance to believe he wasn’t the person she thought he was.

Slowly I turn my phone around to look at the message. Just as I expected it is from Rei,  _‘I do not wish to continue this conversation or speak with you today. Goodbye.’_

What the hell is that supposed to even mean? My hand hovers over her contact details ready to call her again and try to work this out but I feel like she won’t answer. Maybe I can send her a message but with her like this would she even read it? Instead all I can do is grip my phone tightly in my hand and suppress the urge to scream out.

I can feel my arm starting to drop and get myself ready to hurl the phone at the wall but a soft tapping at the bedroom door stops me. I don’t turn around as the door opens and Kaworu enters the room quietly.

“Asuka… is everything alright?”

“Fine…” I reply through gritted teeth.

“What happened?” He asks me as he enters the room.

“I… told Rei about us kissing and I seem to have pissed her off.” I keep my back to him and shrug as I speak.

“I… It is understandable given her feelings about me.” Kaworu replies solemnly, “I am sorry I have caused trouble for you.”

“Idiot! Don’t you dare! This isn’t you, this is… that stubborn… argh!” I spin around and come face to face with Kaworu, “This isn’t your fault Kaworu. You haven’t caused any trouble, Rei is just being… an idiot.”

“I do not think she is.” Kaworu speaks softly, “Rei’s fears and feelings towards me are understandable given what I have done in the past. I am… not surprised that such a thing would anger her.”

“Well it’s annoying!” I bark back, “It’s annoying and she’s a goddamn idiot!”

Kaworu steps closer to me and brings his hand up slowly to my cheek. I lean into the warmth of his palm and sigh, “I… The last thing I wanted to do was piss her off, she’s been one of my only friends Kaworu, the only one who understands.”

He nods, “I know and I wish there was something I could do to help, perhaps I could contact her myself?”

I laugh, “I doubt you’ll accomplish much with that but… whatever, give it a go.”

He smiles, “I will Asuka… I would not like to see your friendship with Rei broken in such a way. I… dislike seeing you hurt.”

“Thank you.” I continue to stand there letting Kaworu run his hand through my hair and down along my cheek. I reach up with one hand and softly cup his cheek, my hand runs along his warm and pale skin. I allow my hand to reach up a bit further and my fingers meet his soft grey hair.

We stand like this for a moment until Kaworu leans in closer to me. I’m surprised by his boldness and ready myself as he places a hand on my hip and draws me in close. My lips meet his as we kiss for a third time this weekend. I feel Kaworu’s hand on my hip slowly start to slide upwards and I wonder for a moment what his destination for it is, I wonder if he would be daring enough for that. He doesn’t seem to be as it moves up and then around to my back.

I continue to return the kiss and part my lips ever so slightly to allow my tongue to slide through and meet his. I feel a moment of hesitation from him, understandable considering our previous kisses didn’t go that far but he soon gets the idea. At the same time I allow my other hand to explore what I can of his body, I run it up his side and to his back before moving back down to grip his firm backside.

I almost laugh when I hear the soft gasp leave his lips through our kissing. If this is how he reacts to me touching his backside I wonder how he’d react to… actually no, I’m not going to think about that yet. My body might feel ready but my mind isn’t and I can’t help but feel it’s the same for him. For now this is nice, this kissing and light touching is nice.

We continue this for moments before I break the kiss and look up at him, “Shall we… make ourselves more comfortable?”

**16 th September 2021 – Mid-afternoon – Misato's apartment**

"I'm home!" I announce happily to no one in particular as the apartment door swings open. I peer into the hallway and start to try to bring everything I'm carrying into tight space. In one hand is my cello, tucked under that arm are a few papers from the session, held carefully in my other hand is a box and I have a backpack on. I shuffle carefully into the small hallway and almost manage to trip over a pair of Misato's shoes that were left there, fortunately I'm able to catch myself before anything gets damaged.

Now in the hallway I set the cello and other items down and start to remove my shoes. As I begin to do so I'm surprised to hear Rei's soft voice call back to me, "Welcome home!"

I smile to myself as I finish removing my shoes and I snatch up the box from the ground leaving the cello and session papers behind for the moment. As I make my way out of the hallway and into the living room I hide the box behind my back. I look around the room and see Rei is sat on the couch absent mindedly browsing something on her laptop.

I have to admit I'm a little bit surprised but happy to see Rei is back already. Mondays are usually when she volunteers at the school and she generally comes back later in the day. I actually wonder if everything is alright with her, it does seem unlike Rei to have skipped out on something like that and for most of yesterday and this morning she's seemed distracted and... sad I guess? I don't know why, I know she went out on a date with someone the other night but she said everything went well. Unless something has happened since.

As I enter the room and take a look at her I can see she still looked a little bit sad now. It would probably be hard for others to tell but I can. Her expression is one I recognize all too well, it's one I've worn myself on many occasions. Rei... It's weird to think I never saw it years ago but she does look a lot like me and shares a lot of similar mannerisms.

The thing is I know I can't just ask her directly what's wrong. I know that she won't tell me because that's another thing we share, she'll just evade it and pretend everything is okay. Eventually it’ll build up inside her and I know from experience that it can only make things worse when that happens. It happened to me a long time ago and it felt awful.

The problem with this is that when I’m down and people can tell they’ll stick with me and ask me what’s wrong, they’ll coax it out of me and I can’t do that with Rei or other people. I’m just not very good at it, I don’t know how to do that and I’m always afraid of upsetting them or annoying them. It’s the same for everyone, I just ask them what’s wrong and if they don’t tell me I shy away. I’ve been like that with Rei, I’ve been like that with Misato and I was the same with Asuka when she was here.

All three of those people though they’re good at doing that. Rei can be stubborn, she won’t leave my side or she’ll just hug me and not let go until I finally relent. Misato doesn’t quite go that far but she gives me an opportunity to talk freely and without judgement.

Asuka… I smile as I think of her, she wasn’t quite as nice with her method but she had a way of coaxing things out of me. She always had a way of getting me to see the bright side or just feeling better about a situation, she always kinda pushed me. I just wish I could have done the same for her and helped her out.

Whilst I might not be able to find out what is wrong by talking to her perhaps I can try to find out or at least cheer her up in other ways. What I have held behind my box is part of that. On the way home I bought her a cake from a bakery that I know she likes. It’s a double chocolate sponge cake with a healthy amount of chocolate cream between the layers and a round profiterole sitting on the top.

“Are you okay Rei?” I ask her as I enter the room fully.

I see her nod, “I am fine, thank you.

I open my mouth briefly to maybe ask the follow up question, to ask her if she is sure or to point out that she is looking a bit sad but I simply can’t do it. Instead I just weakly move the conversation along as if I can’t tell that something is wrong.

“How were things at the school today? I noticed you’re home early.”

She looks across at me, “Yes, they were taking the students on a trip this afternoon so I only had to attend the morning classes. It went well. How was your session today, was it more comfortable than the last one?”

“Yeah! It… It was really good actually.” I smile, “We got split off into pairs, I was paired up with a violinist and we seemed to get along quite well.”

“Did you play anything?”

I nod enthusiastically, “Yeah! We didn’t really have time to prepare anything so we decided it’d be best to just improvise. We decided on a key to play in and I just played some basic chords over a metronome, she would jump in and accompany me with a solo on her violin! It was incredible, I think people were actually impressed with us!”

Rei is smiling at this point so I continue, “The others were really good as well. Some of them already had an idea of what they wanted to play. We heard people play some things by Bach, some Mozart and one pair even tried to play some film themes. You should have heard them Rei!”

Rei smiles, “That is good to hear!”

“Yeah! After we each played for the group the conductor gathered us around and told us a bit more about what the performance he wanted to put on. He had this idea to do a history of music from the 18th Century onwards, composers like Bach and Beethoven but also move through to modern day.”

I remember what he shown us and smile, “He gave us a potential playlist, I’m not exactly familiar with a lot of it. The classical stuff I know and like because it was what I grew up listening to but I don’t know the modern stuff. He played a brief bit of some of it and it sounds quite complicated, I didn’t realize the arrangements for some of the songs could be so complex, the time signatures used and the compositions are…”

I look over to see Rei almost grinning at me as I carry on speaking. I feel my face turning red realizing that I’m just talking and not really letting her speak, “Sorry, I’m… Anyway, It sounds quite complicated… I just hope I can do it.”

My words seem to draw a faint smile from Rei, “Do not apologize, it is wonderful to hear you speak to passionately and I have absolutely no doubt that you will be excellent. You are extremely talented.”

I can feel my cheeks glowing red, “I… I just practice a lot. I’m… not that good really, I still make a lot of mistakes and there are some things I can’t play.”

“And that is why you continue to practice so that you will be able to play such things and make fewer mistakes. I have heard you and you are very good, you should give yourself more credit.”

I swallow down the words I’m about to speak to further downplay my abilities. It’s a habit I need to get out of, that I’m trying hard to get out of. Rei is right, I do practice a lot and the reason I practice so much is so that I can play more advanced pieces one day.

I mean in many ways I already do play some complicated material. I also have a good grasp of the theory behind it. I’m able to read music, I can play in a variety of more complex time signatures with ease and I can handle transcribing music fairly well. So instead of downplaying it all I look at say and speak words I’m unfamiliar with when it comes to a compliment, “Thank you.”

I shift awkwardly from one leg to another and decide now would be a good time to give Rei the present.

“Rei I… I got you something on the way home.”

She looks at me in confusion as I bring the box around from my back and hand it to her. She looks at it for a moment before smiling, “You… I recognize this wrapper!”

“Yeah!” I nod, “You mentioned this place a couple of weeks ago and… well being honest I thought you seemed kinda sad this morning so I wanted to get you something to cheer you up.”

“You went into the bakery and got this yourself?” She looked at me in surprise, “You were alright getting this?”

I nod, “Yeah… I mean it was still scary but my session went really well and I guess that helped me not be as scared of others. It was… pretty empty in there too so I didn’t have to pass too many people and like I said I wanted to cheer you up, I don’t mind doing something scary if it’d help you.”

“Thank you!” She begins to untie the ribbon and opens it to reveal the slice of cake I’ve bought her. I smile as I see her eyes widen, “This looks delicious, thank you Shinji.”

“I hope you enjoy it.”

“I will.” She replies, “Although I must inform you that you have nothing to be worried about regarding me. I am perfectly fine, you do not need to worry about me.”

I can tell she isn’t telling the truth but I just can’t bring myself to say anything else. I’m just not very good at this sort of thing, if people come to me directly and tell me they’re upset then maybe… maybe I sort of know what to do but I can’t get people to tell me what’s wrong. If they’re being evasive like… well like I would be then I simply can’t do it. I’m just scared of annoying them and them being angry with me.

So instead of saying anything else I just go back into the hallway and bring my cello and papers into the front room. I set them down behind the couch and see that Rei has already made a start on happily eating the cake. If I am going to say anything else then I should probably wait until after this, I wouldn’t want to upset her now.

I sit down near to her and pull out my music player and the list of songs the instructor has given us. The idea behind the performance seems to be a brief history of music from the 18th Century onwards. This means some music I’m familiar with from the classical composers through to more modern material. I know a few of the more popular tracks but a couple I don’t know, so I want to load it all onto my music player to listen to before next week.

I always feel strange using this player, it’s been a constant companion to me since I received it on my birthday several years ago but it’s also the only thing of Asuka that remains in this place. At first I refused to use it, looking at it upset me but over time I started to think about Asuka taking the time to buy it and leave it for me. She’d be angry if I didn’t use it and so I’ve kept it close to me at all times.

As I search through the store and start to download each track I glance quickly at Rei and see her sat and quietly focused on eating her cake. It’s so obvious to me that something is wrong, it’s the same expression that I have when something is bugging me and my inability to just say something keeps eating away at me. Why do I find this so damn difficult? Misato doesn’t have this difficulty, Rei doesn’t and Asuka certainly didn’t! What am I afraid of?

_‘Being hated and abandoned by them. Losing friends and family due to saying the wrong thing. Pissing her off so she yells and leaves.’_

I hate my brain sometimes.

“You are still concerned about me aren’t you?” Rei suddenly speaks.

I nod, “Yeah… You just… You look sad Rei.”

“As I said before I appreciate your concern but I am perfectly fine.” Rei smiles at me, “Tell me more about the performance.”

She’s being evasive, I know she is because it’s the exact same thing I’d try to do. I open my mouth to protest or counter it but I just can’t, “Well… He wants us to learn and play tracks from classical composers through to modern artists, he seems to like a lot of rock music so I’m interested in how we’re going to perform those.”

“Well it just be your group or will you have others accompanying you?” She asks.

I shrug, “I think it’ll just be us but I’m not sure.”

“Then that should be interesting, I was not sure if you would be playing with an actual band or not for the songs.”

“I don’t think so but I think he might get someone to sing the songs.” I reply, “Hey… If this does happen you and Misato will attend right?”

“I would not miss the opportunity to see my brother play for anything. Of course we will be attending.”

“Thank you.” I smile, “It’s a shame that…”

I stop myself immediately from finishing that sentence. She’s been on my mind a lot recently so I guess it makes sense for me to think that. I guess with finding out about Kaworu being back I’ve been wondering about her as well. I wonder where she is right not, I wonder if she is happy and doing well for herself.

I look over to see Rei frowning, “I know Shinji, I would have liked that too.”

“Do you miss her too?” I ask.

Rei nods, “Yes I do.”

“Is that what has been bothering you?” I ask, “I know hearing about Kaworu being back probably brought… certain things back.”

She looks over at me, “As I have said, there is nothing bothering me.”

“Are you sure? You just see-“

Rei suddenly stands up and snaps at me, “Yes! I am absolutely certain! There is nothing wrong with me at all, you do not need to keep on asking. I am going to go and shower now, thank you again for the cake.”

I am given no chance to reply as she moves swiftly past me and into the bathroom. I consider following her and saying something else but I know it’ll only make things worse. Instead I simply sit there and silently curse myself for trying to press her further. Maybe I was wrong about the whole thing and nothing was wrong, I should have just said nothing. I guess I’m just not very good at this sort of thing.

The best thing I can probably do now is apologize to her when she comes out. If there is something wrong then Misato can probably deal with it, she’s so much better than I am. I should have spoken to her first. What did I ever think I was going to accomplish with it?

I let out a sigh and stand up to take my cello into my bedroom. As I do this I hear the sound of Rei’s phone going off, I turn around to see it sat on the coffee table and wonder if I should leave it or take it to her. I listen out for the sound of running water, I can’t hear anything so it seems safe to take it to her now and maybe I can apologize as well.

I grab the phone from the table and the screen lights up immediately in my hand. I take a quick look at the top of the message preview just to see who it’s from and I see that it is from a private number. It’s likely to just be rubbish, in which case I probably shouldn’t bother Rei. I quickly check the top of the message to make sure,

_‘Rei. It’s Asuka, please call me. I know you’re angry at me but you have to let me explain. I’m free all day today so just call me.’_

I feel sick. My stomach is churning as I read over the message again. My head starts spinning and I feel my body start to break out in a cold sweat. My vision goes blurry as I slow my breathing and try to process just what it is I’ve read. That… can’t be true, it has to be some sort of joke right? That can’t actually be a message from Asuka.

It just… It can’t be! Why would Asuka be sending Rei a message? How could Asuka be sending Rei a message? Asuka isn’t… Rei doesn’t… They aren’t… No… No No No No No, this doesn’t make any sense damnit. This has to be a joke because if it isn’t then it means something I can’t believe. It means that Rei is in contact with Asuka, it means that Rei has been lying to me and Misato and… Rei wouldn’t do that, would she?

Questions rush through my mind about the situation. Is this why Rei has seemed out of it for the past day? What did Asuka do? What did Rei do? How long have they been in contact? Why didn’t Rei say anything to me or Misato? Rei knows how I feel about Asuka, she knows how much Asuka leaving hurt me so if she knew where Asuka is or that Asuka is alright then why didn’t she tell me?

“Shinji?”

I hear Rei’s voice from behind me and my grip tightens on her phone. The churning in my stomach hasn’t ceased and I start to fear that I might throw up. I slowly stand up straight and turn to face her. She shoots me a look of concern but then looks from my face to the phone clutched tightly in my hand.

“What are you doing with my phone, is everything alright?”

“Y-Your phone… You… A message, I didn’t mean to read it. I thought it was junk but…”

“A message…” She looks at me directly in the eyes and immediately I see a look of fear spread across her face, “From who?”

“Asuka…” I reply as I feel the tears start to well up in my eyes, “I-Is it really her?”

Rei looks at me and opens her mouth halfway before closing it. She looks terrified and stands silently for a moment before lowering her head, “Yes… It is.”

Her admission makes me feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. So it really was Asuka who sent that message, it really was her. I feel like I should be delighted that she is alright but all I feel is anger and sadness.

“H-How long have you been in contact with her?” I ask trying to keep the tears at bay.

“Just over three years…” She admits, “I… The first time I went to Europe was to track her down and I did…”

“Track her down! You mean you’ve actually met her?” I raise my voice as I ask her, “For over three years you’ve been in contact with her and not said anything to me?”

Rei simply nods her head, I can see a tear rolling down her cheek, “Yes.”

“Why? Why would you hide that from me Rei? Y-You knew…” My voice starts to crack with emotion, “After what happened Rei, you hid this from me? Why?”

“I… I can explain Shinji, it isn’t…” She almost sobs as she speaks, “I didn’t want to hide it from you.”

“But you did! Why?”

Rei seems to hesitate for a moment, “She didn’t want me to tell you… It’s…”

If the admission before felt like a punch to the gut this felt like a punch and a kick. I stare at Rei blankly and try to take in what she has just said. I wait for her to maybe add something else but she seems unable to do so as she stands there sobbing. I feel tears rolling down my own cheeks and anger within me, “She… didn’t want you to?”

Rei shakes her head, “I wanted to but…”

“Then why didn’t you?” I yell back at her, “I’m supposed to be your brother! You knew… You knew how I felt about her and you hid this from me! All those times you spoke about missing her and how bad you felt about her leaving and you were speaking to her all along.”

“I-I know…”

“I trusted you Rei… I thought I thought I could trust you but you… You betrayed me, you’re… you’re just like him!”

“Shinji please!”

“No!” I shout back at her, “Just… Leave me alone.”

I barge my way past her and back into the hallway. I have to leave, I have to get out of this apartment, I don’t know where but I just know I have to get far away from here. Behind me I hear her call out and sob but I ignore it as I shove a pair of shoes on and rush out of the front door. I wipe away the tears from my eyes and run from the apartment as quickly as I can. I rush down the stairs and out onto the street, I jog onto another street and into a nearby alleyway to stop for a moment. My stomach is still churning and I worry for a brief moment that I might throw up but I manage to stop myself.

I look back towards the alleyway entrance to see if anyone has followed me. No one has, at least not yet. I take a moment to try to think about what has just happened. Rei found Asuka three years ago and has been in contact with her ever since. I still can’t believe she would do that and not tell me, I think about what she said about Asuka not wanting her to tell me about it. Why would Rei agree to that?

I just don’t understand and I don’t think I want to. I just want to get away from here. I check my pockets and see I’ve got my transport cards and phone with me. I have to get away from this place and this. I need to be alone where no one can find me and work this out. I need to get away from Rei.

**16 th September 2021 – Early Evening - Kaworu's Apartment**

This is a situation that I never expected myself to be in. It isn't even because of the person who I'm sat with but just because I never saw myself doing something like this. I could never see myself being the sort of person who would be sat cuddling with someone on a couch. I was so convinced that I was best off being alone, that I isolated myself from even pursuing that sort of thing.

The idea of it, well I guess it appealed to me. I've never really longed for closeness, I don't think I'll ever be an especially touchy-feely kind of person but I know how nice it can feel to just be hugged by something. I suppose that's why I always appreciated seeing Rei, she is someone who enjoys hugging people and it always felt nice, it was that confirmation that someone cared.

Strangely though I'm not the one being held right now. Instead it is Kaworu who I'm holding in my arms and who is cuddling up to me. I'm the one running my hand through his soft silvery hair whilst he lies on the couch. To someone more traditional it probably looks weird but I don't care, I'm not a traditional person and it's just nice to have him close to me regardless of who is cuddling who.

Unfortunately, this moment of bliss is broken when I begin to feel my phone ring in my pocket. Kaworu immediately lifts himself up off of me and smiles at me, "You should answer that, it could be Rei."

I nod, "Yeah... I know, I'll take it in your bedroom."

I get up and leave the comfort of the couch and the warmth of Kaworu behind and slip into the bedroom. I pull out my phone and see that it is indeed Rei and my chest tightens in anticipation. I know I asked her to call me so I should have expected it but I have no idea what she or I am going to say. The way in which she hung up yesterday and the tone of the message she sent me, she seemed so angry and a small part of me can't blame her for that.

I know exactly how she feels about Kaworu and her need to protect Shinji from being hurt. I know she sees Kaworu as an enemy and someone who caused nothing but pain and so the idea of me being a friend to Kaworu was bad enough, never mind me kissing him or being more than friends.

At the same time, I can't help but feel some annoyance with Rei. She didn't give me a chance to explain what had happened properly before hanging up. She doesn't seem to understand my side of things in this, does she really think that I'd be friends with or kiss someone who causes her and Shinji so much pain? She knows I care about Shinji and don't want to see him hurt myself. If I had even the slightest suspicion that Kaworu might not be what I say he is does she really think I'd be doing this?

I realize though that I should tread carefully regarding the subject. From now on I should probably not mention the fact that we kissed or my feelings for him. I certainly shouldn't mention that we spent most of yesterday afternoon making out with each other on his couch, nor should I mention that that is pretty much how we've spent this evening.

I ready myself to answer the phone and wonder if her anger will have subsided. As I mentioned before, Rei can be stubborn. I've never really seen her angry before but I know she can hold grudges against people who hurt her even if it is something simple. I remember a time she refused to speak to Misato for a fortnight after some of Misato's cooking made her ill.

So, I'm apprehensive as I answer the phone wondering if this is the phonecall that ends our friendship. I take a deep breath, "Hello?"

What I'm greeted by surprises no, no it actually frightens me because it isn't Rei's soft voice that I hear replying to me, it isn't the angry sounding Rei that hung up on me yesterday. Instead I'm greeted by a loud sob followed by a hysterical sounding Rei,  _"A-Asuka... Asuka..."_

My chest tightens some more, "Rei? Is everything alright?"

I silently curse myself for asking such a stupid question. I can almost hear my older self-taunting me. ' _What are you, stupid? Of course, she isn't alright, she's sobbing down the phone at you!'_

As I hear another sob I realize there is something about hearing Rei cry like this scares me. Rei doesn't express emotion like this, her expression is slight and quiet. Subtle shifts in tone or the way she looks, she isn't outward like this. Many might mistake Rei for being emotionless but of course being her friend and knowing her like I do I can notice things. It's not like I haven't seen her cry before, she cried when I showed her my book and the character based on her for the first time and she cried when she confided in me about a former partner.

So, I'm frightened right now because I don’t know what could have brought this on because this is not a subtle shift, this is a full-on torrent.

_"A-Asuka... I... Something... Something bad... I... I don't know what to do... Shinji... He... He saw and... I did something bad... I'm a bad person Asuka... I'm sorry... I couldn't... I'm sorry... I'm Sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry."_

Shinji... She said Shinji's name! My heart leaps into my throat and that feeling of fear grows. I rise up from the edge of the bed slowly. Has something happened to Shinji? I can barely make out what Rei is saying through her sobs but she said she did something bad. She couldn't have hurt him, could she? No, that's stupid, she isn't capable of that.

"Rei, please slow down, you're not making any sense." I try to calm the poor girl down and figure out what the hell has happened.

_"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."_

"REI!" I raise my voice to try to stop her from apologizing.

_I'm sorry!"_

"WONDERGIRL!" I raise my voice again and this time it seems to get through to her and she stops, "Will you please calm down and tell me what the hell has happened!"

I hear a small sniff from the other end of the line as she seemed to try and compose herself. It's at least a minute of hearing her sniffing before she speaks again,  _"I... Yes... Yes I... I will try, I'm sorry."_

"Yeah, you've made it quite clear that you're sorry!" I say sternly, "Now, what has happened Rei?"

I hear another sniff but she at least seems to have composed herself now and can speak to me. I wait for her to tell me what has happened with some apprehension. I fear to think about what could have causes Rei of all people to be in such a state.

_“Me and Shinji… Had an argument. I was out of the room and your message came through, he… saw it when he went to give my phone to me.”_

_Shit._

“So… Shinji knows about me?”

_“Yes.”_

I let out a sigh and shake my head, so that must be what has caused all of this. Shinji found out that Rei knew about me. I wonder just how much he knows, I wonder what she has told him and how she told him. I can only imagine how the poor idiot has reacted to all of this. I know he hates the idea of people lying to him and this… this is one hell of a thing to keep from him.

 _“I am so sorry.”_ Rei speaks again,  _“I know you wished for this to be kept secret and I have failed to do that for you.”_

“No.” I shake my head again and for some reason I actually smile, “It’s okay Rei, you didn’t fail. It… Wasn’t your fault, now tell me what happened, from the beginning.”

“Okay.” I hear her take a few breathes of her own to steady herself, “After I… got angry yesterday I had been unable to shake that. I had been questioning whether I was right to be upset and the entire situation. Shinji… noticed that something was wrong with me. He… continued to ask if I was alright and so I got annoyed with him.”

“Understandable.” I nod.

“Perhaps but… he was right to be concerned about me. Yet I could not tell him because of what it was regarding.”

“Of course.” I agree, “So what happened after you got annoyed.”

“I went to take a shower but I realized I had forgotten my phone to listen to some music. When I went back into the front room to get it I saw that Shinji had it in his hand. I had just received your message and he was going to bring the phone to me but he… had already seen the message at that point.”

“I see.”

I hear Rei start to cry softly again as this entire scene runs through my mind. My own carelessness has caused this. I put my name in the message thinking that only Rei would see it. I went against what we agreed again. I am the reason for Rei being so upset right now and also the reason that Shinji is… doing whatever Shinji does when he is upset.

It’s weird but whilst I feel bad for Rei and Shinji I also feel a strange sense of relief that Shinji knows about me. I was always putting off getting back in contact with them, waiting to say the right thing or compose the right message. Perhaps even waiting for them to seek me out first. I was always putting it off though and stretching this lie out. It happening this way seems sort of apt for who I am and it feels like this weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

At the same time that weight has been replaced by a new one. The weight of guilt at what my actions have caused. This situation is my fault, I have no doubt about that. If I hadn’t have asked her to keep that stupid promise, if I had have sent the e-mail sooner and not been a coward then this could have been avoided. I have to put this right, I have to fix this.

_“I am so sorry that I have let you down Asuka.”_

“Rei… You haven’t let me down. Don’t worry about it, this is… this is all my fault. I should never have asked you to do this in the first place and… well I have been careless recently. Something was bound to go wrong wasn’t it? I mean… this is me we’re talking about, when doesn’t it go wrong?”

To my relief I actually hear a small chuckle from Rei,  _“Please… do not say that. You do a lot of good things and deserve to have good things happen to you as well.”_

“Well what I do and deserve doesn’t matter right now, this is about you and Shinji. What did he say to you when he found out?”

_“He asked me how long I had been in contact with you and how. I told him what I could but he did not give me the opportunity to explain. He… did not take any of it well, he left but before he left he said that… I was just like our father.”_

I feel something snap inside of me as I hear Rei speak those words to me. Shinji… he actually said that to her? He actually accused her of being like that? The idiot! How dare he compare Rei to that bastard! After all she has done for him, after all the times she has been there for him, all the night she has spent caring for him! After all she has been through herself how dare he say such a horrible thing to her!

“HE SAID WHAT?” I yell and instantly regret it, Rei is upset enough without me yelling.

I hear Rei sniff again,  _“He said that… I was just like our father. I… I deserved it, he is right… I hid…”_

“NO!” I cut her off immediately, “You listen to me Rei… You are nothing like that pathetic excuse for a human. I don’t care how mad Shinji is or was, he had no right to say that to you. You are a good person and you have done absolutely nothing wrong. This thing… it’s my fault. So… I’m going to put this right.”

 _“H-How?”_  She asks me.

Good question, I think to myself and try to think about what, if anything I can do. Eventually an idea forms in my mind, I didn’t quite expect to be doing this but… to hell with it. Going to have to go all in at this point.

“Did Shinji take his phone with him?”

_“Yes… I believe he did.”_

“Okay…” I sigh, “Send me his number and I’ll call him and speak to him. You… You go and calm yourself down okay. Go and have a bath and a cup of tea, go and do whatever it is you do to calm yourself and I’ll sort this out. When does Misato come home?”

_“Not until later this evening.”_

“Okay good, I’ll get this sorted before she comes home.” I sit myself back down on the bed and idly play with the edge of one of the pillows, “I’ll speak to him, I’ll calm him down and explain the entire thing. I’ll sort this out.”

_“No… You do not need to. This is my fault! I ha-“_

“Rei!” I cut her off sternly. It’s perhaps inappropriate but I realize with some amusement just how much she actually sounds like her brother when she is upset, “Believe me… I do have to do this, I should have spoken to him a long time ago. I shouldn’t have asked you to do any of this so just… let me speak to him. I’ll put the idiot straight and get him home to you.”

 _“Do you think you’ll be able to?”_  She asks me, her voice still trembling as she speaks.

“I’m Asuka Langley Soryu! Of course I’ll be able to!” I speak confidently, admittedly I’m not completely confident I will be able to but I have to try.

_“Okay… Thank you Asuka. Thank you so much, I’ll… send you the details.”_

“Good, I’ll talk to you later then, you… just go and releax.”

_“Yes. I will.”_

“Goodbye.”

I hand up the phone and sit for a brief moment in silence trying to think about what I’ll say to Shinji. I’m given barely any chance to think about it before Kaworu enters the room with a worried look on his face, “Is everything okay Asuka, I heard shouting?”

I shake my head at him and let out a laugh, “No… Everything isn’t alright…”

He looks at me in confusion, “I do not understand, how come you are laughing?”

“Because it’s… absurd.” I shrug, “Because… despite it being alright I also feel relieved I guess. Shinji… Knows about me now, he saw the message I sent to Rei and… she told him about us being in contact for the past few years.”

“Oh… I see.” Kaworu kneels down in front of me and reached up to cup my cheek with his hand, “Are you alright?”

“Yeah… Well… Sort of, I feel relieved that he finally knows but the way he found out has… caused them to argue. So I… have to sort that out.”

“They argued?” He asks.

“Yup, Shinji… didn’t take the news well. Not entirely unexpected, he saw it as Rei lying to him and didn’t really give her a chance to explain. I can’t exactly blame him but he said something pretty bad to Rei, he said she was like their father.”

Kaworu lowers his eyes at me saying this, “I see… I can understand why that would be upsetting. I would also dislike being compared to those who might be considered my parents. It would be… very hurtful.”

“Yeah… Bring up parents for any of us is a bit of a no go area.” I bring my own hand up at his point and run it through Kaworu’s hair and cup his cheek, “So I’m going to speak to him.”

“What are you going to say?”

“I’m not sure yet. I guess I’ll just have to explain it all to him and fix this thing between him and Rei.” I frown, “I kinda want to yell at him for what he said but… I don’t think that’ll be a good idea.”

Kaworu smiles, “No, Shinji is… fragile and likely to be in a lot of pain. I do not think it would help.”

I smile back at him, “I will however have to be honest with him and tell him that he shouldn’t have said that. I’ll remind him of how much Rei cares for him and what she has done for him. I think… the problem is that Misato and Rei have gone from ignoring his issues too much to being afraid to push him and be tough with him.”

“And you do not fear that?” Kaworu grins at me.

“Of course not, I wasn’t afraid to be tough with you… was I?” I pull his face towards me and kiss him softly on the lips. As we kiss I feel Kaworu’s hand slide down to my shoulder and gently start to push me backwards onto the bad. I let him guide my body as he brings himself up onto the bed and positions himself over me.

Our tongues dance as I feel the warmth and weight of his body on top of mine, I feel his hand go from my shoulder and run itself along the side of my body. I feel my body react appropriately to his passion and I can also feel his body reacting to it. I let my hands explore his body, one running along his back and the other firmly on his backside.

Unfortunately our impromptu make out session is broken when I hear my phone go off. I break the kiss and push him away playfully, “Guess it’ll have to wait Angel Boy, I’ve got a phone call to make.”


	10. Only When I Feel

**Tokyo-2 Outskirts – Shinji Ikari**

I quietly mumble a thank you to the driver as I step off the bus and put my headphone back into my ears. The sound of cicadas gives way to the music of Beethoven as I stumble forward slight, my legs slightly stiff from nearly an hour of no movement. I pause for a moment in the bus shelter and feel tears burning at the backs of my eyes once more.

I could let them fall here, there aren’t any people around to see me. This was the last stop for the bus before it went to the next town and it was so very hard to stay composed throughout the journey here. There were moments that I didn’t think I’ve be able to keep it together but I had to. As long as there were people around I wouldn’t be able to cry.

As I step out of the shelter I realize I don’t really have anywhere to go tonight. I can’t really go home now. Not with Rei there waiting for me, not after what she has done and not after what I’ve said. I can’t go to see my friends, they simply wouldn’t understand or they’d worry too much about me.

There was a brief moment when I was deciding what to do that I considered going to a bar and getting completely drunk. I actually considered just going in and drinking until I didn’t feel any of this pain anymore. For a minute or two the idea did appeal to me until I realized how I’d probably end up, I’ve seen Misato do similar things in the past after all. So when I stood outside the bar I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, besides I don’t really like the taste of alcohol anyway.

So I’ve come to this place instead, right now I’m at the foot of a large hill that looks over the city of Tokyo-2. It’s late in the day, just at the point that the sun is starting to set so there will be very few, if any, people around to see me. That’s good, right at this moment I just want to be on my own, I want to be away from everyone and everything.

The track changes in my ears and I start to walk up the hill until I reach a small clearing that seems to have been set aside as a little picnic area. Whoever was here earlier today has left some of their trash behind and I move past it to a small scattering of nearby rocks. I prop myself up against once of the rocks and look out over the vast skyline of the city.

I’ve done this before, many years ago in a city that no longer exists. It was just after I had defeated the fourth Angel. During the battle I had disobeyed Misato’s ordered, when confronted by her I acted like a brat. I felt she was only using me as a tool, I felt like they all were, I felt like all they cared about was getting me into that damn Eva so I could defeat the Angels. What did I matter to them?

I was wrong, at least… for the most part I was. Misato… She did care but I didn’t make it easy and… I cared about her but she certainly didn’t make it easy. There were other factors in my decision to run away then though. I had just seen my father for the first time in years and he was just as he always was, cold… distant and clearly didn’t care about me. In school I had just been attacked for something that wasn’t my fault, yet I blamed myself for it anyway.

It was all too much, there were too many things in my mind and I just had to get away from it. I had to isolate myself and just run. I wandered Tokyo-3 for an entire evening, sleeping in an all-night cinema and on a bench. I got on the trains and buses as far as I could until I found myself out of the city. I could have kept going but… I didn’t have the nerve to or… maybe I didn’t want to.

I ended up walking around some of the countryside and I encountered Kensuke. I thought he was odd at first, now I don’t think he’s odd, I know he is odd. Back then he was a military otaku, obsessed with the armed forces and even more so with the Eva’s. He always used to say I was lucky back then, he wanted to pilot an Eva so badly. That changed after Third Impact, he actually apologized to me. He still loves the way the Eva’s were and how powerful they were but he said he’d never want to go near one.

I let out a sigh as I sit myself down on the ground and continue to look out over the city. It’s quiet and peaceful here, if I wasn’t feeling so bad right now I’d like to come here on an evening and look at the stars. As it is all I can do is thinking about the reason I’ve ran. I almost expect to hear her calling after me to be honest. I don’t think Rei followed me though, I think I was gone before she had a chance to come after me.

A part of me still can’t quite believe it and yet I know it’s the truth. Rei has been in contact with Asuka for over three years. She has kept this hidden from me for all that time. She has visited Asuka, she has spent time with her and in all that time she has kept up this façade of missing her and pretending to not know anything.

I’m just… I’m so angry at her for it. She knows exactly how I feel about Asuka. She knows what Asuka means to me, she knows how upset I was when Asuka left and yet she could do something like this. Why Rei? Why did you do this? Why couldn’t you tell me?

I try to search for an answer and one phrase pops into my head. Rei said it during our argument,  _‘She didn’t want me to tell you…’_

Why? Why didn’t she want you to tell me Rei and why did you agree to that? After all the lies that have hurt us in the past you thought it would be best to just agree to that even though you know it’d hurt me? Why didn’t you speak to her? Why didn’t you tell her you couldn’t agree to that? You must have known it’d hurt me and you must have known the truth would come out eventually.

My mind now turns from Rei to Asuka herself, I can’t really blame her for not wanting me to know about her. I know that in all likelihood I’m the reason for her leaving. I know just how much I hurt her before Third Impact, I violated her in her hospital room and then I left her to die against those damn Eva’s. It was best she did get away from me.

Even when she came back, we both said that we were going to do more but then that changed. I made no effort to help her. I could see she was hurting, I could tell but I just couldn’t bring myself to say or do anything. What right did I have to help her? How could someone like me have helped her? I know, I know I know I know how much of an idiot I am, I should have just spoken to her but I let her down. I don’t blame her for leaving and hating me.

It’s funny in a way but the night she left I had this strange dream. I dreamt that she had come into my room whilst I was asleep and she actually spoke to me. She said she loved me and wished me a happy Birthday. What a joke of a dream that was, as if Asuka would ever feel something like that for me. Still… When I woke up that morning she had left me a card and a gift, it made it seem like it was real.

I shake my head and feel those tears burning in the backs of my eyes again. There is no one here so I may as well let them fall. They silently trickle down my cheeks as I just sit and watch the city from afar. My anger has subsided now to just feeling completely rotten. I have a right to be angry, I know that but now I also feel sad and as I remember some of the things I said to Rei I also feel guilty. I suppose that just sums me up, doesn’t it?

I sit for another minute and suddenly begin to feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I wonder for a moment if I should just ignore it, the chances are it’ll be Rei. I take the phone out and look at the screen to see a number I don’t recognize. It’s probably someone from the music group but I’m not really in a fit state to answer so I cancel the call and put the device back in my pocket. Whoever it is can wait.

\---

**Kaworu's Apartment – Asuka Langley Soryu**

I stare at my phone clenched tightly in my hand for a moment, completely dumbfounded and yet not entirely surprised by what has just happened. The idiot has declined my call, the goddamn idiot actually chose to cancel the damn call!

If I wasn’t so angry at the situation I’d actually laugh because in all honesty I should have expected this to happen. I’ve spent years avoiding contact with him, I’ve spent so much time over the last few weeks agonizing over contacting him that I should have known this would happen. I should have known that when I finally make that leap there would be another obstacle! Of course there was going to be another one, this is exactly what being Asuka Langley Soryu is all about.

No… This isn’t what being me is about, I try to calm myself down and think about this logically. This isn’t because of who I am at all. This is because of who Shinji is and because of what has happened to him today. It makes sense that he would decline any phone call after the bust up between him and Rei. The guy is probably upset and doesn’t want to be bothered by anyone, I know I would be.

Of course I’m not going to accept this, I made a promise to Rei that I would sort this out and if I have to sit here all night and keep calling him then I will. I don’t care if it takes five or fifty phone calls, I will talk to Shinji tonight and I will sort out this damn situation.

I’ve already added Shinji as a contact on my phone so I pull up his contact details again. I take another deep breath to steady myself and hit the call button. I suppose this little period of waiting gives me time to figure out just what it is I’ll say to him, although I imagine I’ll probably say nothing of what I have in my head.

There is a brief moment of silence and then the phone starts to ring. It rings once and then it rings a second time. We make it to three and then to four. We’re further than we were before, maybe he’s going to answer it this ti- Nope, line goes dead and I know he’s cancelled the call. I didn’t even get to his voice mail. Stupid… Idiot… Shinji!

I bring the phone back down angrily and stare it at evaluating exactly what I should do next. First thing I have to do and I’ve already come up against an obstacle but what good am I if I can’t overcome something like this?

I know if I try calling him again then he’ll probably just decline the call, I can’t see him answering it willingly. He doesn’t know who it is calling him, to him it could be anyone and the worst case for him would be Rei. He wants to be away from her right now. Worst case scenario is that he just blocks my number outright, if he does that then I do have a backup, I can just use another phone but it’s that sort of behavior that will earn me a restraining order.

Shinji probably needs to know it’s safe to answer the phone and therefore I have an idea. It’s simple and might not work but it’s worth a try. I’ll message him and let him know it’s me. I’ll try to call him again and he’ll answer. Simple but the question is, will he even check his messages? After two phonecalls he might have just put it on silence or just ignore it. I’m wasting time thinking about this, it’s now or never Asuka.

_‘Idiot Shinji, answer your damn phone! We **need**  to talk! Asuka.’_

I give him about half a minute or so to ensure the message reached him and he has a chance to read it. I grab the phone again and select his contact details and touch the call button. There is the brief moment of silence once more as we’re connected and then the phone starts to ring.

It rings the first time… then the second, it’s about to ring a third time when I hear a clicking noise and a found from the other end. There is a pause and then the sound of a trembling and oh so recognizable voice. Instantly I feel my heart leap into my mouth, I feel my body start to shake, I feel sweat forming on my forehead.

_‘I feel sick.’_

“H-Hello?”

\---

**Tokyo-2 Outskirts – Shinji Ikari**

As I put my phone back in my pocket I gaze out over the city once again. I look towards the side of the city where our apartment is. I can't make out the exact building from here but it's one of the quieter parts of the city only a short walk from the train station.

I manage to find the train tracks and follow it a little bit of the way, after three stops I stop following it and look around that area. Around there the buildings are larger and closer together, there is a large park separating two of the larger apartment blocks and ahead of that is the building for our group. It’s strange for me to think that a few hours ago I was in there and actually happy.

I feel my phone start to ring in my pocket. I pull the device out and see it’s the same number as before. I’m sorry to whoever this is but I really don’t feel like talking right now. Please try again later. I cancel the call hoping that this time they get the message and don’t try again. If it is one of the people from the group I guess I’ll have to come up with an excuse for being unable to answer.

That can wait though, I put the phone back in my pocket and resume my gazing at the city. A cool breeze is starting to roll in now along with the setting sun. I’ll probably have to leave here soon, the bus finishes serving this area in an hour and a half and it’s a long walk back to the city. Still, I don’t know where I’m going to go. I really don’t want to go home but I also don’t want to worry Misato.

I guess I could go to Kensuke’s and stay there for the night. He wouldn’t mind and I don’t think he’d ask too many questions either. I could tell Misato that I’m staying there tonight and she wouldn’t worry about it. I wonder if Misato is even home yet, she’s been working quite late for the past week or two. If she is home I wonder what Rei has told her, if Rei has told her anything at all.

Rei might have lied about it and said I was out at a friend’s. She might be playing innocent in front of Misato. Before today I’d never have suspected such a thing but with what I know now I can see it happening. A darker thought enters my mind, what if Misato knew about Asuka too? It’s possible that the two of them were hiding it from me, after all Misato isn’t one who likes being kept in the dark and she did try to find Asuka when she left.

No… I can’t believe Misato would do that. She would have told me is Asuka is alright. She would have said something.

_‘You mean like she told you about Kaworu?’_

No, that was different. She didn’t have the opportunity and she spoke to me about him anyway.

_‘After leaving it to Rei, she could have known about Asuka all along. She could even have helped Asuka leave and just pretended to look for her!’_

No, that doesn’t make sense. Rei wouldn’t have helped her leave, they barely spoke to each other then. I just don’t understand it, I don’t understand why Rei would not tell me. I don’t understand why Rei would lie like that when she knows what lies have done to us.

God damnit Rei why… why would you do this? Why would you hurt me like this? Why would you betray me like this? I feel my hands clench themselves into a fist, my nails painfully dig into the palms of my hands but I don’t mind. It’s nothing compared to what I’m feeling inside.

My phone vibrates in my pocket thankfully putting an end this train of though. It doesn’t seem to be a phone call this time and I wonder if whoever it was before has gotten the message and gave up. Still I wonder if I should look at it, it’s most likely from Rei or Misato telling me they’re worried about me and want me to come home.

I should probably ignore it. I should just let them worry about me but… I can’t do that. I take my stupid phone out of my pocket and check the message. I see immediately it’s from the person who has already tried calling me twice before.

I read the contents of the e-mail and as I do I feel my entire body freeze. My hand tightens around the phone and I begin to feel a knot in the pit of my stomach.

_‘Idiot Shinji, answer your damn phone! We **need**  to talk! Asuka.’_

No… This… This isn’t real, that can’t be real. This has to be some sort of trick or prank but… why? Why would someone do this? Who would even do something like this? I just… know that that can’t really be Asuka. Why would she contact me, after all this time why and how would she be contacting me?

My hand starts to shake as suddenly the phone starts to ring again. It’s the same number and I start to question whether I’ve really just ignored two phone calls from Asuka? Could it really be her? I don’t know if I should ignore this one, what if it isn’t and it’s just some horrible trick to get me to answer but… what if it isn’t?

I’m barely able to keep my hand still as I raise the phone up to my ear and accept the call. It takes me some time before I’m able to stutter out a feeble greeting, “H-Hello?”

I’m greeted by silence and immediately begin to wonder if this really is just a stupid joke. A few more seconds roll by before I hear the sound of someone sighing, it’s a woman and my heart begins to pound faster in my chest. A moment later she finally speaks, she sounds barely any different than she did four and a half years ago,  _“Hello Shinji.”_

“A-Asuka!” I speak her name unsure as to what I should be feeling right now. A part of me still can’t quite believe it, so I ask for confirmation, “Is… Is it really you?”

I hear what sounds like a faint laugh,  _“Yes Shinji… It’s really me. Can we talk?”_

My entire body breaks out in a cold sweat at that confirmation and my mouth goes completely dry. I open it to speak but no words come out so instead I feebly nod at her question. A motion I soon realize is completely stupid given that she can’t see me. I open my mouth again to reply but I’m still unable to speak. There are too many things racing through my mind right now, I can feel my chest tightening as I struggle to filter any of it out.

I can’t figure out what to say to her or what I should be thinking. I don’t know if I should be happy or sad about this. I don’t know if I should be afraid or angry. I don’t know if I should start asking her how she is or why she left. I don’t know if I should ask her what she has been doing or if I should talk about myself. I don’t know if I should ask her if she knows about Rei or anything. I… I need to stop, I need to calm down. Too many thoughts… Too many thoughts… I can’t think…

I take a deep breath and try to just focus on Asuka’s question for now. Can I talk, not exactly but I can listen. I try to filter out everything else and just focus on replying to her, eventually I manage to mumble out a confirmation, “Yes…”

There is another faint laugh from her,  _“Heh, still not much with words eh? Well don’t worry about that. I don’t expect you to say much… if anything at all. After what I’ve got to say I don’t really expect you to ever want to speak to me again but I ask that you at least listen to what I have to say.”_

“O-Okay…” I take in her words and continue trying to calm myself down. Asuka doesn’t expect me to say anything, that’s good because right now I can’t think of what to say. I can listen for now.

 _“First of all… I should probably start by saying I’m sorry.”_  She pauses for a moment,  _“I’m sorry I left you guys the way I did, I’m sorry it took me so damn long to get in contact and I’m sorry about what has happened between you and Rei.”_

I was starting to slowly calm down but hearing her say Rei’s name sends a pang of panic through me, “You know about that?”

 _“Yes I do.”_  Asuka’s tone darkens as she speaks,  _“She called me shortly after you left her. She told me about what had happened and about what you said to her.”_

“O-Oh…” I glance down at the ground shamefully knowing that one of the first things Asuka is mentioning to me after all this time is that argument with Rei, “So… it is true then, you and her have been in contact with each other for… all that time?”

_“Yes, it’s true Shinji.”_

“How?”

_“About a year after I returned to Germany she turned up. She had managed to track me down and she intended to bring me back to you guys.” Asuka laughs, “She was so… unlike the Rei I had known. She had grown and she was determined to do it but… I stopped her. I wasn’t ready to go back and I had a breakdown. I don’t really want to talk about it but she was there for me and said she would help me.”_

Asuka… broke down in front of Rei? If it wasn’t Asuka telling me this I wouldn’t be able to believe such a thing had happened. She never really got along with Rei, before Third Impact it seemed like she hated Rei and after it they barely spoke. I know Rei always wanted to talk to Asuka, to try and be her friend and even missed her but this is not what I imagined.

_“I needed a friend Shinji, I had been alone in Germany for a year and I was miserable and Rei… was that friend I needed. I asked for something in return though, I asked that in exchange for friendship she not reveal she had met me to you or anyone else… at least not yet. I wasn’t ready to come back or have anyone else there.”_

I almost start to protest as I process Asuka’s words. I almost suggest that maybe Rei could have persuaded her or done something else. I almost ask why it took so long and why Rei was comfortable lying to me for all that time.

_“I understand you’re mad at Rei but if you want to be mad at someone then you should be mad at me. I’m the one who left you guys, I’m the one who isolated myself and I’m the one who asked her to keep it all secret.”_

I can feel my anger starting to subside on hearing her words and they’re replaced with a rotten feeling. Still I have to know more, Rei still went along with this lie and didn’t say anything, I know she didn’t want to betray Asuka but was it really that easy for her?

“Did Rei really… agree to it?”

I hear another laugh,  _“No… Not at first anyway. She wanted to take me back to you guys and thought it’d help me and tried to get me to think of another option but I was stubborn. I said it’d only be for a little while until… I was ready I guess but that time never came. She would ask a lot and try to get me to do something but I never would.”_

“I see…”

_“You know… a part of me always wondered if she had secretly told you or Misato about it and you guys were just waiting for me to come back. I guess today confirms she did keep it all a secret.”_

“Y-Yeah… I didn’t know anything.” I confirm.

_“I’m sorry Shinji… I know you hate being lied to and I know this is a pretty big one but please… if you’re going to be mad at someone then be mad at me.”_

I shake my head as I continue trying to process this entire situation. I don’t know if I’ll be able to tonight or even in a week but the more Asuka speaks the more guilt starts to creep in about the argument with Rei.

“I… I said something horrible to Rei.” I suddenly say.

_“I know you did.”_

“I… I don’t know what to do.” I feel tears burning in my eyes, “I didn’t… I had no idea about any of this and you… I didn’t know and I said… I said she was like our father!”

 _“Yes… She told me.”_  I can hear the anger in Asuka’s voice as she speaks,  _“You have to do what you’re good at Shinji, apologize.”_

“No… No I can’t… I can’t do that, she won’t forgive me… I went too far.”

 _“Idiot!”_ She cuts me off,  _“Rei wants her brother home and safe, she was hurt by what you said but she is more worried about you. She’s worried you’ll do something stupid and get hurt!”_

I try to calm my breathing, “Yeah… You’re right… I… I just can’t yet. I need a bit more time.”

 _“Well try to not take as long as I have.”_ Asuka laughs, her comment drawing a smile from me as well,  _“Are you mad at me Shinji?”_

“I… I don’t know Asuka, I… I still don’t really understand a few things. I don’t understand why you left.” I pause for a moment, “It was so sudden, I thought… I thought I had some something wrong, or there was something wrong with you. I know I hurt you Asuka and I know I could have done more but…”

 _“Oh Shinji, you idiot!”_  She cuts me off again,  _“It was nothing to do with you or anyone else there. It was me, it was just something I had to do. When I was there with you guys all I could think about was how awful I was, all I could think about was that horrible bratty girl from before Third Impact. All the things she had said or done to you all and I was frightened of being her again.”_

“A-Asuka…” I trail off and give her the chance to say more.

_“When I looked at the three of you… It was like looking at a family, you had your sister and your mother with Rei and Misato and me… I didn’t belong in that group. I didn’t deserve to be a part of that group…”_

“Asuka you…” My voice almost cracks but I manage to keep it in check, “I don’t understand, you… You did belong with us. We all cared for you and we all knew why you did the things you did. We all forgave you just like we forgave each other. When we returned it was supposed to be a fresh start! You weren’t that person anymore”

 _“I know! I know that! Rei has already told me enough times!”_ I can hear the frustration in her voice when she speaks,  _“But you know it isn’t that easy don’t you? She is there all the time, reminding me of every horrible thing I have said or done. It’s always there when I sleep and I can’t shake it. I know I’m not that person but… That doesn’t seem to help! You understand, don’t you?”_

“Yeah… I do…” I sigh, “Each and every day I’m reminded of the mistakes I made before Third Impact and the things I did during it. I remember all the times I hurt people and feel like I don’t serve to be here. I feel like at any moment someone will recognize me for what I really am and I’ll get what I deserve.”

_“I hurt you guys so much so… I thought the best thing would be to remove myself so you three could be happy.”_

“Did you ever plan on coming back?”

_“Eventually I guess but… I just never felt like I was ready to. The longer I was away the less I felt I’d be able to come back. Like I said, Rei kept on trying to push me to come back. She’s always tell me things about you and Misato to try to encourage me to get in contact.”_

“Rei… told you about us?” I ask in surprise.

 _“Of course she did you idiot!!”_ Asuka barks back at me,  _“Rei was so proud of you! She always spoke about you and I was happy to listen, I wanted to know things about you and Misato and the others. I wanted to know you were all okay and it seemed like you were and in a way that… it just confirmed that I was right, you were all happier without me.”_

“But we all missed you! Misato, Hikari and even Touji and Kensuke did!”

 _“The fact that the stooges missed me doesn’t exactly fill me with joy.”_ She lets out a laugh,  _“But I appreciate the effort. Rei… told me that you’ve started playing the cello again?”_

I smile, “Yeah! Misato suggested I… start taking lessons again so I got a teacher and he… he said he had a group of people who played various string instruments and wanted to put together an ensemble. I… agreed to it.”

 _“Are you enjoying it?”_ She asks me.

“Yeah, I am… I, I really like playing and the people are really nice as well. I’ve only had two meetings with them but it’s been fun.”

_“Good! I’m glad to hear you’re doing something with the cello again. It always irritated me the way you put yourself down about it, you were very good when I heard you all those years ago.”_

“You really thought I was good?” I ask in surprise.

 _“Yes I did!”_  Asuka pauses for a moment,  _“You have talent Shinji and I’m glad you’re actually doing something with it. In fact… I’d like to hear what you can do some time.”_

"Really?" I jump to my feet in surprise, "You... You'd really like to hear me play?"

_"Yes, record something and send it over to me. I'll send you my e-mail address when we're done here. Rei also mentioned something about a concert?"_

"Oh... Yeah... My ensemble... the guy in charge wanted us to put on a concert in December."

 _"That's great!"_ She replies and I'm surprised by the enthusiasm in her voice,  _"What will you be playing?"_

"Um... Well a mixture of things really, he wanted to try and do some sort of music through the ages so... He's selected some classical stuff through to more modern stuff. I... I don't really know much of the stuff outside of the classical material like... I've heard of a few of the bands but I don't really know them or the music... I was going to listen to them tonight but then this happened."

Asuka simply laughs,  _"Sounds interesting. What bands did he have listed?_

"Oh..." I pull the music player out of my pocket and for a moment I just stare at it blankly. This was a gift... A gift from Asuka before she left, I never got a chance to thank her. I should do that now, "Asuka I... The music player you got me before you left I just... Wanted to say thank you."

 _"You liked it?"_  She asks me,  _"I know you used to use your old SDAT a lot so I thought it'd be a good present. Do you still have it?"_

"Yeah, I... I use it every day actually. Thank you."

_"Don't mention it, so these bands he mentioned?"_

I head to the playlist and scroll past the more familiar material. I expect Asuka will probably be more interested in the sixties and onwards, "Well... The Beatles are on it."

_"Well of course they are, would be impossible to do a music through the ages without them. I'm sure even you know who they are though."_

"Yeah... I know a few songs." I scroll down, "There are a few I don't know, Genesis... Pink Floyd... Queen... Procol Harum and... there is a guy here called... Meat Loaf? Who calls themselves Meat Loaf?"

My comment draws another laugh from her,  _"Look at a picture of the guy and you'll understand!"_

"You know who that is?"

_"I was raised in Europe, of course I know who Meat Loaf is! I have to say those are some good choices, will go well in a string ensemble I think, in fact a couple of them have already played with orchestras and have symphonic tributes."_

"Really? I had no idea!" I reply.

_"Of course you didn't! Tell you what I'll have a look through my collection tomorrow and see what I can find, if you send me the exact tracks your teacher is thinking of I'll try to send you the versions of the songs that have been done by or with an orchestra to help you out."_

"You... You would do that? That... That'd be really helpful Asuka." I feel myself smile as I speak to her, "T-Thank you."

_"Don't mention it just... consider it part of the apology from me okay."_

"I... Okay..." I pause for a moment, "What about you Asuka, what are you doing now?"

 _"Me... Not much I... Um..."_ Asuka trails off for a moment and lets out another sigh,  _"I guess it's only fair you know too then, I'm a writer."_

"Really? You... You're a writer?"

_"Well don't sound too surprised! I can be creative too, I've even had my work published!"_

I look at the phone in confusion, "What did you write?"

_"Zero."_

I can hear the pride in her voice as she says it but it only adds to my confusion. I'm familiar with the book, Rei loves it, she has a signed copy of it and Kensuke is a big fan too but the author isn't Asuka it's someone called Mari Makinami.

"But... That's wrote by-"

 _"Are you stupid?"_  Asuka asks me bluntly,  _"That's a psuedonym Shinji, Mari Makinami doesn't exist. It's me, I'm the author. Look at the book, the main character is based on Rei!"_

"Oh! Why though... Why did you write under a fake name?"

She sighs,  _"I wouldn't have done a very good job of hiding myself from the world if I published a best-selling book under my real name would I?"_

I laugh, "Oh yeah... I guess not. Rei... Rei is a huge fan of that book and Kensuke loves it as well. I... I never read it though..."

_"Then you better go and do it."_

"I will... Does... Rei know?"

_"Of course she does, Kensuke is not to know though at all. Even when I visit he is not to know about it, I'm not having that crazed fanboy bother me."_

We both laugh and then Asuka speaks again, her tone a bit more serious this time,  _"I want you to do something Shinji."_

"What is it?"

_"Go home... Go home and talk to your sister. Apologize to her for what you said and make things up with her."_

"O-Okay..."

_"I'm going to message her too but I want the two of you to talk to Misato and tell her everything as well. Make sure you defend Rei during it, make sure that Misato knows everything was my fault and it was all my decision. Tell her if she wants to talk to me or yell at me she can call me."_

"Right... I can do that."

 _"Good, then go and do it."_  She pauses,  _"Again... I am sorry I took so long but it's happened now. Here I am... In Germany and you know how to contact me. We'll talk again soon alright?"_

"Yeah... We will, thank you." I smile calmly as I slowly start to walk away from my position and back towards the bus stop.

_"Also... Your concert in December... I want you to make sure you put aside two tickets for me and a friend. We... We'll be coming to it."_

"A friend?"

_"That's not important now Shinji, just do it. I still have a few other things to tell you but it's late and it can wait."_

I don’t want to say goodbye, I want to stay and talk to her all night. I want to speak to her about everything has happened to her since she left. I want to tell her about my life, not that I have much to tell her. She is right though, I should go home. I should apologize to Rei and talk to her and Misato about this.

I’m still not quite sure how to feel about all of this. I’m so happy that I now know she is okay. At the same time I still feel bad about this whole situation, I still feel like I’m somewhat to blame for her leaving. I still feel that she didn’t want me to know about her because of who I am. I can still feel some anger at her and Rei for the lie.

I don’t expect this to be resolved in an evening though. This will take time and at least we have a place to start from. I prepare myself to say goodbye to Asuka but I’m glad this won’t be the last time I say it.

"Okay... Goodbye Asuka."

_"Goodbye Shinji, I'll talk to you soon."_

\---

**Berlin Streets - Kaworu Nagisa**

As I feel the cold wind brush against my skin I so wish I had brought my jacket with me. I was in such a rush to leave I went out in my t-shirt and didn’t realize how cold it would be. Still I suppose it does give me something else to focus on other than the unease that I have been feeling since Asuka said she would make that phone call.

Asuka… She will be talking to Shinji right now. This will be their first conversation in other four years and I am so… happy that such an event has occurred. I know that the two of them have shared and faced so much pain, I know all about the fragility of their hearts and it saddened me to know that they were no longer in contact.

Yet despite all of this I feel something else, fear. I fear what this turn of events means for me. I fear that I no longer know where I stand in this place. Deep down I always knew that this day would come, it is… I suppose you could call it destiny. I just wasn’t expecting it to happen so soon and so suddenly. Especially not after I had experienced such a wondrous event the other day.

Still, I suppose it is probably better that this happens sooner rather than later. I suppose it is better that it happens before this thing, I suppose you would call it a romance, develops further between myself and Asuka. If it happened later then it would perhaps be harder for me to accept and move on.

I am so happy for the two of them. They both deserve to find true happiness and I know that it doesn’t in any way negate my chances of finding happiness. I just feel… I feel that Asuka was really special, she understood me and I felt that in some ways I understood her as well. Asuka has such a fierce personality but it is tinged with a softness and gentleness.

When I held her or she held me I felt a wonderful sensation skin to floating. When I was around Asuka I felt so very safe. She was oh so beautiful as well, each and every part of her and she had an infectious smile that never failed to brighten up my day.

 

So I, Kaworu Nagisa, am happy. I am really really happy. I want nothing more than for those two souls that have been hurt so much to find true happiness. So, despite the fact that I have this awful knot in my stomach and tears welling up in the corners of my eyes I… I am happy.

I continue to walk through the streets, this is a route very familiar to me. It is one that I’ve walked a vast number of times over the last few months. I’ve not walked it in the last few weeks, since the attack I ended up relegating myself to my apartment except for going out to work or for shopping. I felt that getting out this time was necessary, Asuka and Shinji needed time alone to talk.

I cross the road onto another street, this one isn’t quite as empty as the others. There are a few people stood chatting outside of a café. I move part them and I know it’s just my imagination and current mood but I’m sure I can hear them all stop talking. I’m sure I can feel their eyes on me. I do this a lot, I always wonder if people are staring at me, I stand out so why wouldn’t they?

I pick up speed and move around the corner to an emptier street and my mind turns back to Asuka and Shinji. I wonder what they’ve spoken about. I wonder if she mentioned me. I wonder when she’ll be going back. I feel the tears threaten again.

I get halfway down this street when I feel my phone suddenly start to vibrate in my pocket. I immediately pull it out and see Asuka’s name on the display. As I see it the knot in my stomach tightens as I come to the realization that this is probably it. This will be the phonecall where this all ends.

I actually contemplate now answering it so that I can delay hearing the news. What would be the point though? It is going to happen either way so I should face up to it.

“Hello?”

 _“Kaworu!”_  I can hear the happiness in her voice and my mood dips some more,  _“I just finished speaking to Shinji, where are you?”_

“I… Decided to go out for a little walk. I thought you could probably do with some privacy considering the situation and I wasn’t sure how long you would be…” I speak to her all the while trying desperately to stop my voice from cracking, “Did everything go alright?”

 _“Hah! Of course it went alright! Managed to calm the idiot right down and he’s going to go patch things up with Rei. Yet another victory for the great Asuka Langley Soryu!”_  She boasts to me and I can’t help but smile.

“I am so… happy that it went well.” I feel my voice crack slightly as I speak, I hope she hasn’t noticed.

It turns out she did,  _“Hey… Is everything alright Kaworu?”_

“Yes! Yes, everything is fine. I’m just a bit cold, I forgot to bring my jacket with me and I misjudged how cold it would be this evening.” It’s a feeble lie but I hope she accepts it.

 _“Oh I see… Well you should get yourself home quickly I was thinking that we should… celebrate tonight. Perhaps we should order pizza and… resume what we were doing before I had to make that phone call?”_  I hear her tone shift as she speaks the last part. It’s teasing and sultry, not dissimilar to voices I’ve heard in certain… material.

My mind flashes back to those moments before I left. I flash back to the feeling of her lips up against mine. I remember my tongue dancing with hers and my hands exploring the curves of her body and her hands running themselves along mine. I feel my body start to react, I need to stop thinking about this, such a thing happening here would be… problematic.

Yet I am also confused, does this mean that her conversation with Shinji did not go how I was expecting it to? Am I wrong or is the inevitable just being delayed? I don’t understand but I will return home and see what happens. Perhaps… Perhaps I am wrong and I do have the opportunity to be happy for a while longer.


	11. Open Wide The Flood Gates

**Misato's Apartment - Rei Ayanami**

I have just learned from Asuka that Shinji will be returning home and now I am frightened. Asuka has assured me that she has managed to resolve the situation but I worry that she was wrong and Shinji was only pretending. I worry that when he comes through that door he will still be angry with me. I worry that he will not step through the door at all and then what will I do?

If Asuka isn’t wrong and he is on his way home then I have other, slightly more irrational fears. I am frightened what something will happen to him as he makes his way home. Asuka did not tell me the exact location Shinji had gone to, but I can only assume it is some distance from here. It would be easy for someone to hurt him.

Yet, I know this is not a logical thought to have. For I am aware of the security teams that keep an eye on us constantly, watching and observing threats. I am aware that very few people in this town know who Shinji Ikari is and even less know the story of Third Impact. Despite all of this there is still a tiny slither of doubt in my mind. I question how safe we really are especially in the aftermath of the attack on Nagisa.

I am also frightened that in his anger Shinji was actually correct in what he said. I worry that I really am no better than our father for what I have done. Asuka seemed to be very angry when she heard about him saying that but I wonder, was he right? Our father was a selfish man who lied and manipulated others for his own gain. Have I not done the same? Putting my friendship with Asuka ahead of the happiness of my brother and family?

I know this isn’t true but I wonder if there is more I could have done. Perhaps I could have said more to Asuka to encourage her to return or at least communicate with Shinji and Misato. Perhaps I could have given Shinji some sort of subtle hint or even engineered a scenario that would have forced the two of them to communicate. Surely I have had opportunities over the last few years to put an end to this but I did not take or think about them. I have been passive when I should not have been.

I glance at my phone another time to see that only a minute has passed since the last time I looked at it. Shinji has been gone for just over two hours now. He has not contacted me in all that time nor have I contacted him. At this time I am much too afraid to do so. Misato will also be returning home soon as well.

Thinking about Misato also makes me scared. I am frightened of her reaction to this news, I assume that she will be told about this. After she hears this then she is likely to be angry with me. I wonder if she will still want me here after she finds out. If I am to leave then where do I go? I am able to afford somewhere on my own I suppose but it would likely take time to arrange. After what I have done I doubt one of our friends will want to have anything to do with me.

Another minute passes in silent contemplation with me sitting cross legged on the soft. Suddenly I hear a clicking sound from the hall way which causes me to spring to my feet. I rush to the entranceway and see the door opening and Shinji stepping through. He looks exhausted and the red marks around his eyes show that he has been crying. He enters the hallway and turns somewhat sheepishly to look at me.

I feel myself slowly back away as he speaks, “Hey Rei… I… We have a lot to talk about, don’t we?”

In that moment I feel the fear of him leave me and I rush forward and throw myself into his arms letting out a loud sob as I do so. I feel him stumble backwards as he struggles to remain on his feet and I nestle my head into his should, between my cries I try to speak, “Shinji… I… I am so sorry…”

Shinji pauses for a moment as he recovers his balance and I feel his arms move slowly as if he is unsure of what to do. Finally though his arms wrap themselves around me and his hand gently rubs my back to calm me down. We stand like this for a few moments as I let out a few more sobs.

“It’s alright Rei…” Shinji speaks softly, “Asuka… She explained it all to me. I… I’m not mad at you anymore, I… I’m sorry.”

“You… You are not mad? But I lied to you Shinji… I… I was…” I unsure as to why I am protesting his forgiveness of me. It is that forgiveness that I wanted and was craving. I did not want Shinji to be angry at me any longer and yet I am trying to achieve the opposite of that via my words. I trail off and let him speak.

Shinji merely shakes his head, “I’m not mad… I know what you did was bad Rei but… I now know why it happened. I know what position you were in and… I am sorry for what I said to you too, I should never have said you were like him. You’re nothing like him Rei, it was… I went too far.”

Shinji’s words do bring me the comfort that I needed and yet my mind immediately wants me to protest them some more. I do not know why, why can’t I accept this?

“But I lied…”

“I know you did.” His voice is still calm but with some weak trembling in it as if he is about to cry too, “I know… but I forgive you. I… forgive you Rei.”

This time I don’t protest him, I let myself thank him instead and we release each other from the hug. I wipe my eyes free from tears and I watch him do the same with some embarrassment. He removes his shoes and the two of us go into the front room silently and sit down, me on the couch and he sits on the nearby chair.

At this moment I am unsure of what to say to him. He looks to be thinking about something and I want to ask what it is but I do not feel I have that right anymore. I know he must be feeling a range of emotions right now. I know he must be questioning a lot of things and I want to say something to help but what can I do or say?

It is Shinji who breaks the silence, I look up to see he is smiling, “She… She actually spoke to me Rei… and… she said she will speak to me again.”

“That is good.” I manage to weakly smile back at him, “What did she say to you?”

Shinji glances downwards, “She… explained everything to me about why she left and you finding her in Germany. She told me all about the promise and that you were reluctant to agree to it, that you did try to persuade her each time but she refused. I… really am sorry Rei, I thought… I didn’t even stop to ask for the details…”

“I… It is okay.” I reply, “Did she say anything else to you?”

Shinji nods, “Yeah… We actually had a conversation.”

This pleases me when I hear it. I do not recall the two of them having a proper conversation after they returned. I know they spoke immediately after Third Impact but they did not seem to communicate much beyond that. I know there was a time they communicated prior to Third Impact but even then that was a long time before it.

“What did you discuss?”

Shinji looks up and is still smiling, “She… Told me about her book…”

I find myself blushing when I realize what this means. If Asuka told him about the book then it is likely he also knows about the main character being based on me. Asuka will surely have told him of that. I look across at him, “I… Was shocked when I found out about it too.”

“I can imagine.” He almost laughs, “I… Had no idea Asuka had a creative side, she never seemed to show it when she was with us. I… I guess I never asked about it though…”

Shinji sounds dejected when he speaks so I move to reassure him, “Even if you had have asked her then she would likely have denied it. Asuka back then did not feel such things were worthy of her time, she strived to be seen as an adult and to her creative endeavors were not a part of that.”

“Y-Yeah… I suppose.” Shinju replies, “She also… said she wanted to attend the concert in December. She even offered to help me learn about the tracks.”

I nod, “Yeah, it is likely that she will know a lot of the tracks you are to learn. Asuka is… passionate about music. She has an extensive music collection that she has introduced me to in the past, I find that whilst I am… fond of some of it there are certain artists that I find to be a bit too much.”

Shinji lowers his head at my words and I wonder if perhaps I have said something wrong to him, “I apologize, did I say something wrong?”

Shinji looks up at me and shakes his head, “No… You didn’t it’s just… I know so little about her really. When she lived with us I didn’t even bother to ask her about any of this. I didn’t really talk to her about what she liked I just… reacted to things.”

“You were a different person then, you were unused to her and she was not the easiest person to get along with either. Remember she shut herself away back then but now she is not like that.” I say as I try to cheer him up, “Now you have an opportunity to speak to her and find out these things.”

Shinji nods, “Y-Yeah… You’re right I… I will do that. Does… She know a lot about me… Not that I’ve really done much.”

“Yes.” I answer truthfully, “Asuka asked about you a number of times, she always took an interest in you and the others.”

“I see…” He mutters, “I guess she must have found it pretty boring then.”

I shake my head, “Not at all, she was concerned about you if anything. She wanted you to be happy.”

He smiles again, “Y-Yeah…”

“Did she say when she will next be contacting you?”

Shinji shakes his head, “Not exactly but it’ll be soon I think. She gave me all of her contact details and she wants to send music to me. She also asked for a recording of me playing the cello. I… don’t really know what to do, do I wait for her or do I contact her first?”

“Do whatever you think is right, if you record yourself before she sends you the music then contact her first.” I reply, not exactly sure how to handle this situation myself. In the back of my mind there are other questions I have about what Asuka has told Shinji but I keep those locked away for now. I will contact her myself to find out how she will approach the subject of Nagisa.

“She also… asked us to tell Misato about her as well.”

I feel my body tense up when I hear Shinji speak those words. Fear sets in once more as my thoughts about Misato from earlier return. The fears of how she will react to this and the fears of what my future is in this place I call home.

“Rei…” I hear Shinji say as he moves close to me, “It’ll be alright, I… I’ll explain everything to her.”

I nod, “I would like to explain too… I should admit my part in this and face the consequences.”

Shinji puts his arm around me, “Rei… There won’t be any consequences for this.”

“No… You don’t understand, I lied to you both. I did not tell Misato the truth about my visits to Germany and she put her trust in me. I have betrayed her trust in who I am…”

Shinji pulls me towards him and hugs me gently, “It’ll be alright Rei, Misato… She’ll understand, I’m sure of it.”

**Misato's Apartment - Misato Katsuragi**

Exhaustion is starting to set in as I finally reach the door to the apartment. I take out my key and let out a sigh, I feel bad... No, I feel awful. Once again, I'm late home from work and late home to see Shinji and Rei. I know they don't mind and are old enough to take care of themselves but that doesn't make me feel any better about it.

We are supposed to be a family and I'm neglecting that fact but then I've never really been very good at this. I've tried but I've always had to ask others for advice or defer to them. I love Shinji and Rei dearly but I've hardly been the mother they deserve for these past few years. I let out another sigh, this... this is the exhaustion talking and I know it.

I've been working late so much for the past two months I've let it get to me. I've not taken the time to relax. Maybe... maybe I should make sure I come home early this Friday and we can all go away for the weekend or something. Just to get us away from this city.

Maya will be able to handle whatever is happening at work. We've made progress with our plans and are getting ready to send in the first teams to search through the debris of Tokyo-3 and hopefully what is left of NERV itself. I am nervous about what we might find in there to be honest but if anything could be useful to humanity then I would like to see it extracted.

There have also been questions recently as relates to the Emergence Facility built there. The last couple of months have seen activity at the facility with more people returning and there are members of the U.N. who are concerned about who might emerge next. They are worried about 'him' coming back and to be honest so am I.

Not necessarily for the same reason that they are. They worry for their jobs and status, they worry about the fact that many of them took backhanders and looked the other way when Gendo Ikari was the Commander of NERV. They worry that they might be exposed by a man who could be desperate to keep himself free.

My worry? I worry about the effect it'll have on Shinji and Rei if he returned. I worry that it could undo all the progress the two of them have made these last few years. I worry that his return would hurt the two of them. If he were to return... I would do everything to ensure he couldn't harm them again. I would protect them with everything I have.

I need to stop thinking about these things, I need to actually get inside the apartment and get changed into something more comfortable. I can warm up whatever leftovers there are and take a long bath. I finally open the door and announce my return, "I'm home!"

"Welcome home!" Comes the joint reply from Shinji and Rei.

I smile weakly as I make my way down the hallway and towards the front room, ready to apologize to the two of them but I stop when I see the two of them are already stood up waiting for me to enter. Both of them are wearing similar expressions and almost immediately my heart leaps into my mouth, "What's wrong? Has something happened?"

They both exchange a look and I see Shinji nod slowly. He steps forward, "Nothing... is wrong it's just... We both have something to tell you and we know you have had a long day but we thought it'd be best to tell you now, rather than wait."

Despite him saying nothing is wrong I find it hard to believe that, the tone of his voice definitely indicates that something is up. I look at Rei and she looks uncharacteristically nervous, she is struggling to make eye contact with me and unless I'm mistaken I can see her legs trembling. Something is definitely wrong with the two of them.

"Okay..." I slide off my jacket and hang it over a chair, "What is it?"

I follow as the two of them sit themselves down on the sofa, I sit on the chair and my mind starts to trick over the reasons as to why they're acting like this. Could one of them have been attacked? I can't see any visible marks on either of them so I'm not sure. It seems improbably though, after we heard about the attack on Nagisa in Germany we tightened security here. I would know if either one of them was attacked or threatened.

Rei seems to be the one most affected by this, could it then be something to do with her? I know she has just started seeing someone. Could it be that she is pr- No... That can't be it at all. Rei is seeing Kodama, Hikari's sister so there is no chance of Rei getting pregnant there.

What about Shinji then? No, I doubt that Shinji would get someone pregnant, I don't even know if he has had that sort of contact with anyone before and I'm not going to ask. This is Shinji though, I know if he would probably be careful if he were to do that.

I'm not sure why my mind leapt straight to the idea of Rei being pregnant or Rei getting someone pregnant though. It doesn't seem likely for either of them. I guess perhaps I do have some sort of motherly instincts after all, is that not what parents worry about?

I glance around the apartment. Nothing within seems to be broken so it can't be there. Unless of course they have been in and broken something in my room, in which case they'd probably be improving it. I really can't guess at what the problem might be. I still don't know if there is a problem, Shinji said there wasn't but from the way the two of them look and are acting I don't believe that.

"So, what exactly is this about?" I ask.

Again, the two of them look at each other and once again it is Shinji who nods and then speaks, "It... It's about Asuka..."

I realize I probably look like an idiot but on hearing him speak those word my mouth hangs open. Those are some words I enver expected to hear Shinji speak, I never expected to hear him utter her name, he hasn't said it since she left. If I was ever to hear something about her I was sure it'd be from Fuyutsuki or even from Asuka herself.

Hearing her name frightens me, it's been so long and I never expected to hear from her again. I had hoped we would but as time went on it seemed less and less likely. I start to fear the worst, the sombre tone of Shinji's voice and the way Rei is avoiding speaking.

"What about Asuka?" I start to ask frantically, "Have you heard something? Has she been hurt? Is she okay?"

"We... We heard from her today Misato and she is okay." Shinji replied immediately.

"You heard from her?" I exclaim in surprise, "How? What happened? Is she here?"

Shinji shakes his head, "No, she is in Germany and she... called me."

Asuka called him? My first thought bizarrely is how much calling Japan from Germany must have cost but then I realize Asuka was given a vast payout and can likely afford it. My second thought is to why and how she contacted Shinji.

I look towards both Shinji and Rei for an explanation and both seem to be struggling to come up with what to say. I have to admit I don’t really know what to say myself. I want to feel happy that Asuka is alive and well, I had always feared the worst for her. When she left she cut off all contact, I had no idea what had happened to her, only Fuyutsuki’s reassurance but after a time even he seemed unsure.

“How did it happen? How did she get in contact with you Shinji?”

Shinji looks up at me, “She… got my phone number from Rei… It was to… sort out an incident that occurred earlier today.”

“But… How did she get your number?” I ask.

I see Rei flinch slightly but then she looks up at me, I can see tears in her eyes and she finally speaks, her voice is soft and shaky, “Perhaps I should explain.”

I nod, “Please do…”

“Asuka was able to get Shinji’s number because I told her it.” She looks at Shinji who just gives her a small nod, “I was able to tell her it because I have been in contact with her for the past three and a half years.”

I smile and nod and then the reality of her words hits me. I feel my mouth open in shock as I look between Rei and Shinji. I see Rei lower her head again and a tear roll silently down her cheek. I see Shinji reach for her hand and stroke it gently. I don’t quite know what to say to that, “Three and a half years? Contact… how? When?”

Rei doesn’t make eye contact with me, “When I went to Europe for the first time it was… to find Asuka. I was successful in my attempt.”

I cast my mind back, I do recall thinking back then that it seemed strange for Rei to want to visit Germany all of a sudden. I didn’t bother to pursue that though, after all if I was unable to find Asuka then I doubted Rei would have been able to. It seems that I was wrong, not only that, but Rei didn’t tell me or Shinji about it.

I admit I’m quite mad at her, I trusted her on that trip to do what she said she was going to. If she had come to me and told me she wanted to find Asuka I would have supported her in that. I’m also mad that she didn’t tell me or Shinji that she found Asuka but as I look at him I can only imagine how Shinji must have felt when he found this out.

I will remain calm for the moment, I need to learn more about this. I suspect there is more to this story than I have been told so far.

“So you found her, how come you didn’t say anything?”

Rei hesitates for a moment but then speaks, “Asuka… asked me to not tell anyone. She said she was not ready for other people to know. I tried… I tried but she did not want anyone else but me to know about her and her whereabouts. I… accepted her friendship but continued to lie to you and Shinji. I… I am sorry.”

Seeing Rei cry is an unusual sight and one I am witnessing right now. I watch as Shinji calmly puts an arm around her to calm her down. I decide to leave Rei for the moment and turn my attention to Shinji, “When did you find out?”

“Earlier today.” He admits, “I… accidentally saw a message from her on Rei’s phone. Rei admitted she had been in contact with Asuka after that.”

“And then what happened?”

“We had… an argument.” Shinji lowers his eyes, “I… left the apartment and not long after that Asuka called me to put things right. She wanted me to know that it was all Asuka’s fault and not Rei’s at all. She also asked us to tell you about it too… She said that if you wanted to speak to her you could contact her.”

I nod my head, “I think I’ll do just that then but it can wait. For now I need to deal with this, Shinji… could you please leave us. I’d like to speak to Rei alone.”

I try to soften my voice to try to keep Rei calm but I hear a small sob escape her as I say those words. Shinji looks at her with a worried expression but after a time she nods, “It is… alright Shinji.”

Shinji nods back and goes into his bedroom. I take the opportunity to move over to the couch and put an arm around Rei, “Rei…”

“I am sorry…” She sniffs between her words and I feel her body shake as she starts to cry. I pull the girl towards me and gently rub her back. I am admittedly lost for words right now, I don’t quite know how to deal with this but would anyone know? It wasn’t a situation I ever planned for.

“Are you mad at me?”

I nod and decide that it would probably be best to be honest with her. I’m certainly not about to yell at her or anything but she does need to know that I’m not exactly happy with this situation, “A little bit, I trusted you when I let you go to Germany for the first time. I expected your reasons for going to be exactly what you told me. I also expect that your other trips there and to Europe have involved seeing her too?”

“Yes, they have.” Rei admits.

“I see.” I try to sound stern when I speak but it’s hard to muster up anything like that when Rei is crying in front of me, “I wish you had told me your intentions the first time Rei, I could have helped you. I would have helped and supported you.”

“I am sorry. I did not… I did not think I would be successful, so I did not tell you or Shinji and then… I made that promise to her.”

“The promise that you would not tell us about her?”

Rei nods, “Yes, I… I tried to persuade her to come back each time I saw her but she did not think she could. She… thought that you and Shinji disliked her for who she used to be. She… was frightened.”

My stomach twists as Rei says that. Asuka really thought that I disliked her? The worst thing is I can’t blame her, I didn’t do a lot to help Asuka, not as much as I should have done. I treated her like the adult she thought she wanted to be despite the fact that I knew otherwise. I went down that same damn path myself, I should have put an end to it. I should have gotten her to talk but I… I didn’t.

“What will happen to me?” Rei suddenly asks.

I look at her in confusion, “What do you mean?”

“I lied to you and Shinji, I was… disloyal and I am undeserving of your care… I… I will leave if you desire.”

I look at her in a stunned silence for a moment before laughing, “Rei, I’m not going to kick you out and I don’t want you to leave. Nothing will happen to you I… I just wish you would have said something in the first place but… this seems more complicated then you just lying. If you had have told us then… it would have hurt Asuka and she’s had her share of pain.”

“I did not like deceiving either of you, I know how much Shinji misses her. I tried to tell her but she…”

“Is stubborn?” I smile as I see Rei hesitate but also nod, “I’ll speak to her tomorrow Rei and see what she has to say. I think… based on how you are now and this argument between you and Shinji you’ve probably been punished enough but in the future I want you to be honest with me, you could have been hurt or worse. Do you understand?”

Rei nods, “Yes, I do. I am sorry.”

“It’s fine. I’ll order us food tonight after I’ve gotten changed. You can go and get Shinji too and tell him to decide what he wants.”

“Yes, I will. Thank you.”

I give Rei another hug and get up off the couch and slip into my room letting out another sigh. This was not exactly how I expected my evening to go. Of all the people I expected to deal with in the next few days Asuka was not one of them. I don’t even know what I’m going to say to her really, I can’t really be mad at her for asking Rei to promise that, it was up to Asuka and I don’t blame her for not wanting to see me.

Still, I am relieved to know she is alright. The poor girl deserves happiness after all she has gone through and I hope she has been able to find it in the last four and a half years.

**Kaworu's Apartment – Asuka Langley Soryu**

I slowly open my eyes and find myself looking up at an unfamiliar - well actually it isn't entirely unfamiliar to me, but I suppose in this situation it certainly is - ceiling. This particular ceiling belongs to Kaworu's bedroom, and I am currently lying, wrapped up in a duvet on his bed. His bed is warm and comfortable and I dislike the idea of leaving it but as I glance over at his alarm clock for the time I can see it's already past ten and I have things to do today.

Naturally the space next to me is empty, Kaworu will have gotten up a few hours ago to get ready and go to work. A smirk comes to my lips as I imagine the sight of him getting out of bed carefully to not wake me. All I can imagine is the same scenario that I bared witness to in my apartment some weeks ago. The image of him scrambling around trying to quickly get his pants on and tripping over them.

I laugh as I remember him falling to the floor accompanied by the look of embarrassment and frustration on his face. I had already decided that he was cute but that clumsiness just added to it. I wonder if it was a similar situation this morning, I wonder if he still had the same difficulties as he tried to get his clothes on. I have noticed he has his moments of clumsiness, tripping here and there and his cooking did leave a few cuts and burns on his hands.

Either that or he wasn't clumsy at all. He stood up straight and tall as he put his suit on. Slipping into those tight trousers that make his ass look so perfect. Buttoning up his shirt to cover up his pale but strong body. Putting on his tie and jacket making himself look professional and handsome.

I need to stop thinking about this, I have things to do but as I stretch myself out in the bed I can't help but think about how comfortable and warm I am right now. Not only that but I slept so well! I didn't have, nor was there even the threat of any bad dreams. It was so nice to fall asleep next to someone I... something I care about deeply.

That through brings me back to some of the questions I've been asking myself since we kissed on Friday, no actually, I've been asking them since I met Kaworu. How do I feel about him? On Friday I finally came to the decision that I want to be more than friends with him but what does that make us now? Boyfriend and girlfriend? It's a weird concept for me, I never imagined having someone like that but I suppose I do now.  We've surpassed simple friendship, I mean you don't make out with your friends like we have been.

Well... except for that one night with Rei of course. That was however a different matter and one of many interesting nights revolving around Rei. I have to smile, that girl has grown a hell of a lot since I met her all those years ago. She isn't wild by any means but it's nice to see that she has been able to grow. She is also slightly more open to experimentation than I expected. I would never have considered making out with a girl but me and Rei decided it might be fun and... well it was. I mean I'm not really wired that way but if I was then... I guess Rei would be my first choice.

I let my thoughts return to Kaworu. I have a boyfriend now I suppose, I mean we haven't spoken about what we are and I don't know if we will. Being honest I don't really know what to say in those sort of situations, I've not been here before. We'll just have to see how this develops but I know my feelings for him are real and I want to be with him.

I do question if he has those feelings for me too. Are his feelings real or am I just the first girl to come along and show feelings for him? Is this something I should ask him or should I just wait and see how it goes? Maybe I shouldn't think about it now and just enjoy this.

What I am certain of is that I feel a safety from him that I've not felt before. It's the reason why I shared a bed with him last night and the reason I had no nightmares. Last night we kissed and made out some more and fell asleep next to one another.

Things went no further than that, I could of course feel his body reacting to what we were doing. It wasn't as if my body hadn't reacted either to it either. Despite this he made no moves to try anything related to that and I didn't do anything to him. I'm glad because I'm not ready for anything like that just yet. My body might be reacting but my mind is far from willing and I get the feeling this might be true for Kaworu as well.

I look around the room a final time before deciding that as nice and warm as this is it is actually time for me to get up. I climb out of the bed and feel my bare feet make contact with the soft carpets. I stretch once again and start to head out of the room. I actually feel remarkably refreshed this morning and that isn't just related to getting a good night's sleep. The phone call to Shinji has also helped, it's lifted a weight from me that I've been carrying for so long.

As the memories of yesterday’s phone call enter my head I start to get that familiar feeling of nervousness in my stomach. What happened yesterday was only the beginning, there is still some way to go. I said I’d contact him again and I will also have to face Misato at some point too. It’s likely I’ll have to face the others as well. It’s too late for me to back out now though, I’m sick of running away and fed up of having that fear of them hating me.

Shortly after the phone call last night Shinji sent me and e-mail with the proposed set list for his concert. I had my entire music library on my laptop so it was just a matter of me and Kaworu going through it and finding the tracks that had been performed by or with an orchestra. For some tracks I sent along two versions, one of the band playing with an orchestra and the other of the song being performed by an orchestra. Hopefully it’ll help him. I’ve uploaded all of the tracks to my online storage, I just need to send him the link and that’ll be done.

I can do that after I’ve spoken to him today, I need to find out how things went with Misato. I also need to see how Rei is doing and I guess I should tell him about my friendship with Kaworu. I can’t imagine how that is going to go. Will he have the same hatred for him that Rei does? I can’t imagine Shinji being like that, he’ll be conflicted and confused. That’s just his way.

I make my way into the front room and I can’t deny it feels quite weird stepping out of Kaworu’s bedroom like this. More so the fact that he isn’t here. I’m so used to sleeping on his couch and waking up at roughly the same time that he does. This is different, I was in his bedroom… I was in his bed… it’s just… strange but it also feels right in its own way. It feels nice.

I cross over into the bathroom to take a shower and do various other things that I need to do. I finish up in the bathroom and throw on a change of clothes that I’ve brought with me. It’s then that I realize I’m actually running out of clothing. I did go and get a couple of things at the weekend but I didn’t know how long I’d be staying for, I still don’t but after last night it might be a while. I need to go back and get fresh underwear and a few other things.

I go into the kitchen and spy a set of keys lying on top of a note addressed to me.

‘Asuka,

_I apologize for leaving without waking you but you looked so peaceful as your slept I did not dare disturb you. I’ve left you this set of keys in case you need to go out today. They’re my spare set and I want you to have them so you can come and go as you please._

_I was unsure if you would want to return to your apartment today or not but if not then please know that you are welcome to stay for as long as you want. If you need a place to store your things there is a lot of space in the wardrobes and drawers, as you may have noticed I do not own a lot of clothing so you can bring whatever you want. Also feel free to make use of anything inside the apartment, all I have is yours whilst you stay._

_Hopefully I will see you this evening._

_Kaworu xxx’_

As I put the note down I’m aware that I am blushing, damn idiot putting three kisses on the bottom has gotten me to blush. Just wait until I see him later, I’m going to kiss him so much he won’t know what to do with himself. Just you wait Kaworu, you will be seeing me tonight!

I leave the keys on the counter for now, thoughts of what to do with Kaworu can wait as can my returning to my apartment to get more clothes. I don’t want to put this off any longer, I have a phone call to make. I grab my phone and select his number, hoping that he will be around to answer it.

The phone rings twice and he answers,  _“A-Asuka! Hey!”_

“Hello Shinji.” I feel myself smile as I speak, “How are you today?”

 _“I’m good!”_ He answers back enthusiastically, _“How… How are you?”_

I let out a yawn as I walk towards the couch and sit myself down in front of my laptop, “Good… Tired, just work up less than half an hour ago.”

_“Oh… I’m not bothering you am I?”_

I look at the phone dumbfounded for a moment, “Shinji… I’m the one who called you!”

 _“Oh yeah… sorry.”_ I hear him reply sheepishly.

I shake my head, “Do you have time to talk? I thought maybe we could pick up where we left off last night?”

_“Yeah… Rei is out on a date and Misato isn’t due in for another hour so I’m not really doing anything.”_

“Good.” I nod wondering where I should start. I don’t really want to mention Kaworu just yet. I guess I should find out what happened after we stopped talking last night first, “Were you able to patch things up with Rei?”

_“Y-Yeah… I… apologized to her for what I said too…”_

“Good, how is she doing?”

_“She still feels bad thought… I said she should contact you but she is worried you’ll be angry at her…”_

“Idiot…” I sigh, Rei can be as bad as Shinji sometimes, "Tell her to phone me when she gets back."

 _"Yeah I will..."_  Shinji pauses for a moment, I sense that he has something else to say so I wait for him. Finally, his voice returns,  _"We... We told Misato about it too."_

"Oh... Good..." I reply nervously, I know I asked them to tell Misato but it doesn't exactly make me feel good, "How did she take the news?"

_"She was a bit mad at Rei... for lying about the reason she first went to Germany but she seemed relieved I guess. She was really worried about you when you left the first time..."_

"I know..." I sigh and shake my head, "Did she say anything else?"

_"Not really, she spoke to Rei for a while about it but I don't know what they spoke about. She said she'll contact you when she can though. She's just... really busy at the moment."_

"Yeah, Rei mentioned something about that. Tokyo-3 stuff, right?"

 _"Yeah..."_  He replies,  _"She comes home late a lot, she feels really bad about it too but we tell her to not worry about it. Oh... I listened to those tracks last night!"_

"Ah, did you?" My ears prick up on hearing him say that, "What did you think?"

 _"I liked them!"_  He answers with some enthusiasm,  _"I can see why he picked those ones, I can imagine where strings might fit in but a few will be challenging. I'm... excited to try them though."_

I grin, embracing a challenge? This is a side of Shinji I haven’t seen before, or at least very rarely seen, "Did any of them stand out to you?"

_"Umm... Well that one by Meat Loaf definitely stood out but I really liked the tracks by Genesis and Procal Harum too. A few of them were very... different to what I'd normally listen to."_

I find myself intrigued as he says that, "What do you normally listen to anyway?"

It takes him a moment to reply,  _"Well... a few things really, mostly classical stuff because of my teacher but there are a few modern songs I like. I've got a few songs on there too that were... they were left on the SDAT when I first got it, I think they're what my mother used to listen to."_

"Ah I see..." I say and lower my gaze unsure of what to say to him. Mothers are, as are many things, a delicate subject, "I didn't realize it was her SDAT when you had it?"

 _"Yeah... It was the only thing of hers that remained after my father destroyed everything."_  He pauses,  _"I later found out that it was Fuyutsuki who saved it, he sent it to my teacher saying that my mother would want me to have it."_

"That was good of him."

Music left to us by our mothers, yet another thing that links the two of us. Sometimes it wouldn't surprise me if I found out our mothers were best of friends before they both died. Heh, maybe they were, it's not like I've asked anyone.

I glance down at the laptop screen, "Well I went through and found some of those tracks for you last night. They finished uploading a while ago so when we're done here I'll send the link over if you want!"

_"Really? That'd be great Asuka, thank you so much, I don't know how to repay you."_

"You don't need to repay me you idiot, consider this part of the apology for... well what I did and what happened between you and Rei." I reply.

_"You don't need to apologize Asuka, I should be the one who..."_

I cut him off immediately, "No! Don't you dare apologize, I already told you... None of this was your fault."

 _"I know but..."_ He resists

I stop him once again, "No!"

Once more he protests, _"But..."_

"Shinji!" I almost growl.

_"Sorry..."_

He still managed to find a way to apologize! He's frustrating, impossibly so yet despite how much this annoys me I can't help but grin at it. It irritates me and yet I missed it, I missed those little exchanges because they were in some strange way funny and I get the feeling he's smiling on the other end of the phone as well.

 _"Oh, you said you wanted two tickets for the concert, didn't you?"_ He suddenly asks,  _"Did you want me to ask Hikari for you?"_

Hikari? Why would he... Oh, I said last night tickets for me and a friend, didn't I? He must have assumed I meant Hikari after all if I was back in touch with them why wouldn't I also get back in touch with Hikari. In truth I hadn't considered it just yet, I was intending to eventually but just not yet. One step at a time I suppose.

"Oh... No, it... wasn't Hikari." I reply to him and figure out the best way to go about this, I was intending to tell him about Kaworu, just not exactly like this. I take in a deep breath and wonder just how he is going to react to this. Rei said he reacted fairly badly to the news that Kaworu was alive, that was weeks ago, though. Surely, he'd be better now... right?

 _'You know that isn't how this works Asuka...'_  I hear a voice in the back of my head remind me. Yeah... I'm aware of how this sort of thing works. Trauma doesn't go away quickly, if it ever goes away at all.

 _"Oh... It's a friend from Germany then?"_ He asks.

"Yeah..." I trail off, "Look... this isn't the easiest thing to say Shinji so I want you to prepare yourself."

 _"Okay..."_  He sounds confused.

"So, this friend is..." I trail off again, this is so damn hard, "Shinji, do you remember that thing Rei told you a few weeks ago? About...  a certain person returning?"

 _"Y-Yeah..."_  I can hear the trembling in his voice as he speaks, as much as I like to call him an idiot I know Shinji isn't that stupid, he must be starting to make the connection,  _"K-Kaworu was back..."_

"Yeah... That's my friend... Kaworu... Kaworu Nagisa is... my friend."

I feel sick, my heart is thumping in my chest and my legs are shaking and yet I know that how I feel right now, it's probably nothing compared to what Shinji is feeling. In fact, despite the distance I am sure I can hear the sound of something breaking.

_"I... I have to go..."_

"Wait!" I almost yell, "Wait Shinji... Please... Please don't hang up, don't you dare hang up on me."

_"No, I can't do this. Goodby-"_

"Shinji, if you hang up that phone I swear to god I will be in Japan tomorrow and tell you about this face to face!" I reply to him sternly, "Let me... Let me explain everything, just... hear me out okay? If you don't want to talk to me after this then... I understand but just... let me explain."

There is silence from his end of the phone and I do actually expect him to hang up. I wouldn’t blame him if he did to be honest. That was probably the last person he ever expected me to mention and after all that happened yesterday he’s probably been upset enough. Damnit my stomach is churning, I’m glad I haven’t had breakfast yet.

It’s a minute before I hear anything again,  _“O-Okay… I… I’ll stay, sorry.”_

“No, don’t be sorry.” I tell him. How can he still be sorry for wanting to leave when I bring up Kaworu? Okay I guess maybe I didn’t help matters with my warning, “Don’t be sorry at all, I… probably shouldn’t have mentioned him yet but I thought you should know sooner rather than later.”

_“I don’t understand, I mean… how?”_

His voice is trembling still but at least he is staying on the phone, “I bumped into him coming out of a café here in Germany… Literally bumped into him, he dropped a letter and ran off when he saw me.”

 _“He ran away?”_  Shinji asks me,  _“Why?”_

“He recognized me, thought I’d hurt him. I didn’t have a clue who he was, thought he was some idiot who didn’t bother to look where he was going.” I laugh, “Being honest I thought he was someone who recognized me, I thought that my life on anonymity had finally ran out.”

_“You didn’t recognize him?”_

“No, I couldn’t have done. I was in a coma when he arrived remember so I didn’t know who he was or anything about it.” I explain, “It was Rei who filled me in when I saw her the next day. She recognized his name and warned me against any contact with him.”

 _“You still went to see him?”_  He exclaims in surprise.

“When have I ever listened to people?” I ask him with a smile, “I was… curious I guess. She told me about this dangerous person who used to be an Angel yet my experience had been the opposite. I guess I wanted to know why he ran away from me. When I got to his apartment he… well he was terrified of me.”

_“Why?”_

“Because he’s human Shinji and he thinks everything is going to hurt him.” I explain, “He knew who I was and thought I was there for revenge for what he had done… I guess I felt sorry for him. I know how that feels.”

 _“Yeah… I do too…”_  Shinji says solemnly,  _“But we didn’t do what he did Asuka!”_

“I know Shinji, I know what he nearly did and I know what he was. Rei reminded me of that when I told her about this, she wasn’t… happy about it either.” I explain to him.

 _“Rei knows about it?”_ Shinji asks.

“Yes she does, I had to tell her and she wasn’t happy about it. She… understandably doesn’t trust Kaworu and she also wants to protect you.” I say to Shinji, “She was worried that it’d be some trick by Kaworu but… well it isn’t.”

“ _How do you know? It still could be!”_  Shinji raises his voice to me which I find somewhat surprising.

“Because he was attacked Shinji, not long after he came back the people assigned to watch him attacked him and beat him up.” I tell him, “They recognized him from NERV and they hurt him, I was… there for him. He was helpless.”

_“Oh… I… Was he hurt?”_

“Nothing too bad physically, busted lip and black eye. He recovered quickly but it hurt his confidence and pride I guess.” I shrug, “Look… This isn’t my story to tell but Kaworu’s past… SEELE made him do those things and he’s a victim too. I don’t blame you for hating him or not trusting him but… I’d like for you and Rei to give him a chance.”

There is a long pause and I know Shinji is struggling to figure out what to say. This isn’t going to be easy for him but I need to get this out of the way now, if I don’t then it’s just going to build up and up and besides… if I can get those two talking to each other I can make them both happy right?

 _“Okay I…”_  Shinji trails off,  _“I’ll… He can come and… I’d like to speak to him sometime if that’s possible? I… I’d like to know his story.”_

“Okay, good.” I nod my head, “Thank you Shinji, I’ll speak to him.”

_“Okay and… thank you for telling me, you’re right it is better I hear it now.”_

“I know… Let’s… forget about that for now. I want to hear more of your thoughts on those songs and tell you a bit more about the tracks I’ve picked.”

With those words we carry on speaking to one another and put the awkward part of the conversation behind us. He tells me what his favourite songs were and I tell him which ones are my favourites and even about the bands behind them. He sounds surprised to hear me talk about music in such a way, I guess when I was around I never really shown much enthusiasm for the subject.

On the other side though hearing Shinji tell me about what he likes and playing the cello, it’s like I’m talking to a different Shinji. He sounds enthusiastic, confident and happy, a far cry from the nervous and timid boy I used to know. We speak for another half an hour or so and then Shinji tells me he has to go, Rei is due in and I need to go and eat and get my stuff from my apartment.

We hang up and say we’ll talk again soon. He also says that he’ll send a recording of himself playing the Cello later. I’m sure me and Kaworu will enjoy cuddling up and listening to it. After the phone call I sit for a moment thinking about what’ll happen going forward. I’m back in contact with them, this is… a major change for me but one I think I want. I want to be happy, I deserve to be happy and so does Kaworu, maybe… maybe all of this can work.


	12. Sound Of Contact

**23 rd September 2021 – Kaworu Nagisa**

I leave the practice building completely aware that I am smiling. Today has been an experience that I do not think I will forget about any time soon. The day has brought with it a mixture of feelings and emotions, at the start I was terrified and so very nervous. As the day went on that fear gave way to moments of frustration but also elation and joy.

I cannot think of a name for what I am feeling now, I feel that to give it a name would mar it. Suffice to say I feel like a part of me has been reborn on this very day. I feel like parts of me have been awakened that I never knew existed.

I glance down at my hands as I walk. In all the years I have played the piano I never realized what I really had with these hands. I never fully understood the power that these hands could have. I have the power to inspire someone, I have the power to teach someone, I have the ability to put a smile on someone's face.

Today was my first day of teaching piano to others. I have given four lessons in total today to a variety of people. Two of which were complete beginners, one was a young child and the other was an adult who was double my own age. The other two students were fairly experienced but were looking for help and assistance in moving forward with their own playing.

Today I... I have helped people. I feel such elation in knowing that I, Kaworu Nagisa, can actually make a positive contribution to this world. When I am home I must be sure to contact Fuyutsuki, I must thank him for giving me this chance and tell him how the day has gone. Afterwards I... I shall see Asuka and I will take her out to dinner to celebrate.

I must admit that I was quite unsure as to whether or not I would be able to get through today. Acquiring the relevant qualifications and certifications to do this was fairly simple but actually having to do this was a different matter. I feel like I must have read the documentation and advice a million and one times. Yet I still did not feel that I was prepared.

To tell the truth I felt like an imposter, when I think about what I am and what I was. I am still learning how to be human so how can I teach people something that is the pinnacle of human achievement. I felt that I had no right to do such a thing. I felt that because I am an alien, because I am not human that I was intruding on something that was rightfully theirs.

I told all of this to Asuka last night, in return she called me an idiot and hit me with a pillow. She told me that I was a wonderful piano player and that I'd do fine. She said that I had as much of a right to teach piano as anyone else in this world and to not think of myself as an alien any longer. She then called me an idiot again before throwing a pillow at me and asking if I wanted to share some ice cream with her.

Beyond the concerns about my own identity there was something else bugging me. I did not feel that I would be able to teach my students. Whilst I am confident in my own abilities as a musician I wondered if those abilities would translate well into teaching. I was worried that perhaps I would be unable to keep their attention for an entire lesson, or perhaps I would be uninteresting and they would learn nothing from me.

There was also that familiar fear in the back of my mind that perhaps one of them would recognize me. I know it is unlikely that anyone would recognize me. Asuka has told me that a number of times and I have been out myself often enough to know it is unlikely to happen. Yet the thoughts of what happened to me only a few weeks ago are still fresh in my mind.

It would seem that all of my fears and concerns were in vain though. All four of the lessons seemed to go extremely well. For the two who wanted to advance with their playing I took the time to listen to them play and identify areas that I thought they could improve in. In both cases they had the fundamentals of playing down but felt there was something of a wall in place preventing them from moving forward.

So I listened to them. For one of them I thought that whilst he could identify and play a few pieces his timing was off in a few areas. I asked if he played to a metronome and he told me they didn’t, they went off of what sounded right. So I had him play the pieces again but this time to a metronome and also put him through some basic exercises to get him used to playing with that.

For the other person she had her timing down and was used to playing with a metronome but wanted to move onto some more advanced pieces. Her difficulty was that she found herself intimidated by the pieces she wanted to learn and wasn’t sure where to really start. She brought in a piece for us to work through, over the next few lessons I’m going to try breaking it down for her, identify techniques used and show her how to put it all together. My hope is that she can apply those methods to learn other pieces she wishes to learn.

The adult twice my age was a complete beginner. He had always wanted to learn to play an instrument but never really made that leap into doing so. He had received a keyboard as a birthday present from his wife and so was looking for lessons on getting started. For him I introduced him to the keys, showed him what each one was and even managed to get him to switch between two chords.

It was the child that concerned me the most though as I went into today’s sessions. I had a number of questions going into the lesson. First I wondered if I would be able to handle a six-year old child. I had never even met a child before; my only experiences of young children comes from seeing them in film or television, or seeing them out in the streets and those situations did not always seem to be good.

I admit that I was also worried about the child itself. I questioned whether a child of that age would really want to learn how to play the piano. I questioned whether this was a decision made by them or made by their parents. Perhaps I should not be asking such questions or having such worried but based on my own past experiences I was unable to not have these concerns. It was at age six that my handlers forced the piano onto me.

So yes, I was very worried, it was not my desire or wish to teach this art to a person who does not wish to learn or is being coerced into doing so. Music is a gift to be enjoyed and shared, it is not a competition or something to give a person status. Music is about expression what is within the heart, be it a simplistic melody or a complex symphony. I want to help inspire people, I do not wish for them to suffer.

Fortunately, it seems like all of my worried regarding the child were unfounded. The child himself was a very pleasant young man, he was both attentive and polite. His mother was in the room with us the whole time which made me feel a bit more comfortable.

I actually spoke to her about the child’s reasons for playing. It turns out the child’s school had someone come in to play and he decided he wanted to do that too. She was reluctant at first saying that it was expensive and the child might not even keep it up but she decided to encourage it.

In the end I am pleased that she has done so. Her son seemed to be very happy with what we were able to accomplish. We went through less than the other beginner, I tried to teach him the location of a few notes and had him play them in order. I gave him a sheet to take home so he can practice this on his own keyboard. Next week I’ll continue with that and try to teach him a basic tune and his first two chords.

When teaching him I’ll be sure to take it slowly unlike the ones that taught me. Beethoven and Mozart are going to be far away for this young man. We can start simple and build up. I want to make sure his child enjoys playing and has a smile on his face when he leaves here.

Now however it is I who has a smile on my face. I am now returning home, to my home where Asuka, my girlfriend is currently staying. It feels weird to think such a thing, nine months ago I was coming to terms with the fact that I was alive. Barely a month later I had to get used to living on my own, cooking and shopping for myself and learning how to work for a living. Thought of romance were naught but a dream, I never expected such a thing to occur.

Fate it seems had other plans, it led me to bump into Asuka, quite literally bump into her. I can still remember feeling so much fear upon seeing her. I was so certain that she would recognize me and hate me for what I am and what I was. Yet that did not happen, she did not recognize me and even when she knew who I was she did not hate me.

From there a friendship blossomed between us. We laughed together, played games and listened to music. Eventually it developed into what it is now, something more than friendship, is it love? I am sure that what I feel for her qualifies. My heart leaps to think about her, I smile when I’m around her and I always long to be by her side. She is beautiful and she makes me so very happy. I am sure that this thing is love and I am so glad to be in it.

**Tokyo-2 – Shinji Ikari**

I step out of the reception and onto the street into the bright sunshine. I give my eyes a moment to adjust before looking around for any sign of Touji and Kensuke. As expected the two of them aren't here yet and seem to be running late. Usually something like that would annoy me but today I don't mind, it gives me a bit more time to figure out what I'm going to say to them. I've decided that today I'm going to tell them about being back in contact with Asuka.

If I'm being honest I'm actually quite nervous about telling them. I guess it's because I don't really know how they're going to react to it. In the past the two of them have said some mean things about Asuka. I know they probably didn't mean it and most of it was a reaction to things she said to or about them but I do wonder how they'll feel about this.

I'm happy that I'm able to be friends with her again and talking to her but will they be happy with it? I can still remember not too long after Asuka left Touji did actually tell me that it was probably for the best that she did leave. I never know if he was saying that just to make me feel better or if he actually meant that it was good that she left.

I don't think either of them really knows the full story about Asuka. They don't know the sort of things she went through that caused her to be the way she was. I know that doesn't justify her behavior at times but she dealt with things no one should ever have to deal with. Out of respect for Asuka I never told them about any of it. I figured that if she wanted anyone to know then she would tell them herself.

I spoke to Asuka again last night, during our conversation I actually asked if we should tell the others about her being back in contact. She said that she was fine with that, it was probably better to tell them now so that they can expect her in December. She did however tell me to keep her writing secret for now, not many people know about her pseudonym. So today I'll tell Touji and Kensuke and Rei will tell Hikari about it.

I have to admit that speaking to Asuka again is strange. It's been so many years since I last saw or even spoke to her and yet it doesn't feel like any time has passed at all. It's also quite different speaking to her, she seems to be more open than she used to, I guess in a way I am too. We've both had years to work through the various issues we've had and whilst I don't think I am nor will I ever be completely through it I am in a better place now. I feel like Asuka is the same.

It's nice though, because certain elements of the old Asuka remain but it's different now. She still has a boastful and confident side but it doesn't feel the same as it did before. She will even still call me an idiot when we speak but it's playful. I feel like this is how it always should have been and if things had been different back then it would have been too.

Something that really stands out is I'm learning how passionate Asuka is about the things she likes. She was always so closed off back then. I suppose I was too. We'll discuss music for ages, we'll talk about who we like and why we like them. We've even started sending each other songs and discussing them. I'll ask her things about her book, I'll ask why she became a writer and what it was like to get her book published.

Asuka will ask me about my life here, she'll ask what I've been up to and all about my cello playing. She'll ask me how I started playing and why I decided to keep it up. She'll ask me about where we live now and about Rei and Misato. She'll ask me if I still cook and then I'll speak to her about the same subjects.

I feel like this is really how things should have been between us. From the moment I met her up until the day she left I always considered Asuka a close friend. On the day we met we were addressing each other by our first names and that just felt right. Even when things were at their very lowest for the two of us I never stopped seeing her as that close friend, I so desperately wanted to help but I couldn't.

I did always wonder how Asuka saw me. As first I thought she saw me purely as a rival and someone to compete against. Her addressing me by first name, I thought that was just a product of her being raised in a different environment but then why was I comfortable doing it too? As time went one I guess in figured out that she didn't just see me as a rival, she was my friend and didn't dislike me. She even pushed me to be better, I don't know if she did that intentionally but whenever I was around her I wanted to be better than I was.

Unfortunately, the peace of that time only lasted so long. I can't quite pinpoint the exact moment things started to go wrong. Was it the kiss? Was it something before then? Was it the twelfth Angel? It feels like it was around that time things started to go wrong and all I could do was look on as she and others around me started to fall apart.

I hate that I did absolutely nothing to help them. I hate that I merely stood by and watched it happen when a simple gesture could have helped any of them. What was I supposed to do though? I was terrified that people would hate me and abandon me, in truth I'm still terrified of that but I know now it isn't going to happen.

Yet I still hate myself for it all, I hate that I stood by and watched as Misato lost Kaji, I hate that I stood by and watched Asuka suffer the trauma of having her mind invaded by that Angel. I know that one simple gesture might have helped, a few words or even a hug. Yet I didn't do that, I stood by and watched from the shadows.

"Yo Shinji!"

I turn and look up towards the source of the voice that has very thankfully broken me free of my cycle of self-deprecation. At the end of the street I can see Touji and Kensuke walking towards me, I musted up a weak smile and wave at them with my free hand.

"Hey guys!"

They approach me and Touji flashes Kensuke a quick grin before pulling me into a crushing half-bear hug, "So what's up with you? You looked to be pretty deep in thought before we called out, didn't anyone ever tell ya that too much thinking is bad for you?"

"You know, they only say that because you're not capable of thinking Touji." Kensuke replies in a mocking tone.

Touji thankfully let's go of me and glares at Kensuke, "Hey! What's that supposed to mean!"

I laugh out loud as I Touji playfully punches Kensuke on the shoulder, "I'm just concerned about a friend!"

"Yeah I know." Kensuke laughs for a moment before turning towards me and looking slightly more concerned, "Seriously though Shinji, you did look pretty deep in thought."

"I'm fine, I was just... having a moment. You know what I'm like." I half smile as the two of them look towards one another. More concern on their faces, it's amusing in its own way. Touji looks and gives off the image of being a stereotypical jock but, and not that he'd ever admit it, he has one of the biggest hearts of anyone I know and is very understanding.

Kensuke on the other hand, well... there were some issues in the past. For a while I didn't really want to face Kensuke due to his attitudes about me piloting. He's changed though, he's still a nerdy kid but he's more respectful and understands that piloting wasn't the cool experience he thought it was in his head.

Neither of them pries any further at the moment, instead Touji slaps me on the back, "Well, we're here now! Time to go and get food, I'm starving!"

"You're always starving Touji!" Kensuke remarks, "Although that said, I could go for some food too, what do you say Shinji?"

My stomach growls in agreement with the two of them, "Yeah, I'm pretty hungry too."

With that said we decide to go somewhere and get food. Touji has already scouted out places beforehand so knows exactly where to go. We walk along the pavement, Kensuke in the middle, Touji to his right and I'm on the left. I shift my cello case to my left hand to avoid hitting him with it as we walk. During the brief walk I look forward the two of them.

I've never really thought about it before but being in contact with Asuka again has gotten me to think about how we've all changed. I wonder how much Asuka has changed in the past few years too. We've all gotten a little bit taller and our body shapes and faces have changed slightly too. Touji has kept his hair short and the same as it always was but he's gotten a lot taller, standing above the two of us.

Touji does a lot of sport and working out too. He wants to be a sports teacher so he always keeps himself fit and healthy. Basketball is or was his main sport, many people thought that he would be good enough to play at a professional level but he never really wanted to pursue that. He always felt that his prosthetic leg would cause issues and would rather work on inspiring others.

Kensuke is the shortest out of the three of us. At the moment he has a few rough patches of facial hair where he is trying to grow something that resembles a beard. I don't think any of us have the heart to tell him that it isn't working.

I guess I've stayed mostly the same though. I wonder if Asuka would be disappointed by that or if it'd make her feel better? I've gotten a little bit taller but I still wear the same simplistic clothes, I still keep my hair the same length and I've remained the same build. The only thing I really have is a few shaving cuts on my cheek, unlike Kensuke and Touji I have no stubble or facial hair. I hate having it, it reminds me of him.

I wonder how much Asuka has changed in that time, does she still wear her hair in the same way? Has it gotten longer or short? What sort of clothes does she wear now? Has she gotten any taller and what about her body shape? I did consider asking for a picture or asking Rei but I backed out of it. I know it seems silly but I thought it might be too much to ask for that after we've only just started talking again.

We finally reach our destination, it's a small ramen place and for some reason I'm reminded of that small cart that we went to after defeating the tenth Angel. I had fun that night, it was nice to sit with the others and eat whilst enjoying the scenery. It was such a simple thing but it also meant so much.

Funnily enough that night was Asuka's idea as well. Misato had promised to take us all for a steak dinner after we fought the tenth Angel. Asuka found out two things, one was that Rei didn't eat meat and two was that Misato couldn't really afford such a thing. So, she took it upon herself to make sure we did something that Misato could afford and something that we could include Rei with.

It was always small things like that, the fact that she always tried to make sure people were included and always noticed if someone was unhappy that made me realize Asuka wasn't as bad as the image she presented. Things like that are why I considered her a close friend and fell for her. It's a shame that we didn't get to do more things like that.

We all order what we want from the counter and find a quiet booth to sit down in. As we sit I realize I still haven't quite figured out what I'm going to tell them about Asuka. I spent all that time thinking about anything but that. I'm still worried about their reaction to the news. I don't want them to dislike or hate Asuka, she doesn't deserve that after all she has been through.

I know she wasn't always the nicest person to them though. It's not really fair though, they only saw one side of her. They never really saw the side I did. Hopefully they'll realize that.

"So, Shinji, how's it going with the cello stuff?" Kensuke asks me, distracting me from my thoughts.

"It's going good." I nod my head, "We've started to learn the songs for the concert now and it looks like I'll have to go to more rehearsal sessions a week now."

“Oh yeah?” Touji speaks up with a mouthful of food, “Hikari said she’s looking forward to it. When is the concert?”

“Not until December.” I tell Touji slightly unable to hide the surprise in my voice. I knew Rei and Misato were looking forward to it, as well as Asuka but I didn’t think the others would have been that interested, “Is she planning on coming?”

“We’re all planning on coming!” Kensuke quickly corrects me, “You didn’t think we’d miss something like this did you?”

I feel myself blush and shake my head, “N-No… Thank you… I appreciate it.”

I smile as I prod some of the noodles around in my bowl and give myself access to the half boiled egg in there. I balance it on my chopsticks for a moment before putting it into my mouth. So this means that everyone will be there on that night. My family and my friends, all of them will be there. Rei, Misato, Hikari, Touji, Kensuke and Asuka.

There is going to be another person there as well. I don’t know if I can consider them a friend, I don’t know what to consider them really. Asuka considers them a friend but is that really enough for me? Would that be enough for the others? They don’t really know about Kaworu though, I’ve never really told them about what happened.

I guess that is something I’ll have to do if he is going to be there. I’ll need to tell them exactly who Kaworu is. That can wait for now though, I need to tell them about Asuka first. I can’t believe I spent all that time thinking about everything else other than what to say. I guess I’ll just come out with it.

“I… actually have something to tell you guys about the concert. I… I got a phone call from someone else who is going to be coming as well…”

Both of them look up at me in confusion, “Who?”

I take a deep breath, “Asuka…”

Both of them look at me in complete disbelief. I can see that they’re trying to figure out if what they’ve just heard me say is actually what I’ve said. They exchange a glance between one another and then look at me once again. It takes about half a minute or so but Kensuke is the first one to speak.

“You mean… the red devil Asuka right?”

I nod my head, “Yes.”

“Like… that… Asuka?” He asks again.

I nod once more, “Yes…”

“Asuka is going to be there?” Touji exclaims, “I didn’t know she played an instrument!”

I can hear the sound of Kensuke groaning next to me and I have the urge to do the same. I look to see Kensuke shaking his head, “Shinji didn’t mean she was going to be playing in the concert! He meant she is actually going to be in audience!”

“Oh!”

Kensuke turns to me, “What happened? I mean it’s been five years right?”

“Yeah…” I confirm.

I don’t know if I should tell them the full story of what exactly happened. That’s something I should probably save for later, it involves Rei and I wouldn’t like them to think anything bad about Rei.

“It was… Rei… She kinda helped get in contact with her. We’ve spoken to each other a few times over the past week. She… is going to be coming to Japan in December to attend the concert.” I start to tell them a few things, “She’s been living in Germany for the last five years.”

“Did she say why she left?” Kensuke asks me.

“It was my fa-“

I catch myself before I finish that sentence. I hate myself for jumping to that immediately. Why am I so desperate to blame myself for Asuka leaving? Why am I so desperate to blame myself for any bad thing that happens? I know it wasn’t my fault that she left. She told me that and I owe it to her to believe her when she says something like that.

“It was… She didn’t feel comfortable here anymore.” I explain. Again I wonder just how much I should tell them of what she told me. Asuka told me in confidence so she probably wouldn’t be happy to have her personal issues spoken about freely.

“She was dealing with a lot of baggage from piloting and Third Impact. She… didn’t think being here would help that so she left.”

“So, she just left without telling anyone?” Kensuke asks, I can hear some anger in his tone.

“Yes.” I nod.

“Damn, that’s cold…”

“It makes sense for her though.” I look up in surprise at Touji’s words, “Getting away from here… it was probably the best thing she could do.

“Well yeah!” Kensuke adds, “I mean she wasn’t the most pleasant person was she? Probably would have just ended up hu-“

“I don’t mean that.” Touji cuts him off, “Asuka… suffered didn’t she Shinji?”

I nod my head, “Yes.”

I watch as Touji clenches his hand into a fist and shakes his head, “NERV… The Eva... They didn’t do anyone any good, I don’t know what happened to or with Asuka but I think she did the right thing. If she had to go then… it was the best thing for her. If it hurt her then… it makes sense.”

As I listen to Touji I thing I finally start to understand those words he said to me a long time ago about Asuka leaving possibly being the best thing for her. He wasn’t being malicious, it was almost as if he understand why she left. He didn’t need to know about her past or what she suffered, he just knew that she, like anyone who came into contact with Eva, had suffered.

Touji will understand that. He felt it first hand when he piloted, he had suffered beforehand when his sister was hospitalized. He watched as one of his friends spiraled downwards before his very eyes. For all the front he might put up, for the image he puts out he isn’t stupid and he is a very understanding person.

“Was it that bad for her though?” Kensuke asks, “I mean… she never really seemed to suffer?”

I nod, “It was… She just… wasn’t very good at saying anything.”

Touji laughs, “Not like any of you were very good at that. Well I guess Hikari will be happy about it. I reckon she’s missed her almost as much as you have!”

I feel myself blush as I look down at my bowl and scoop up some more noodles.

“Oh yeah of course!” I hear Kensuke speak, “So I suppose you’ll be the first to meet her at the airport won’t you Shinji!”

I’m not going to respond to them. I’m going to eat and ignore it.

“We’d better make sure we get him a proper suit and help him pick out flowers and chocolates for her.”

I can feel my cheeks burning at their teasing. It’s not like I haven’t thought about it though. It’s not like I haven’t dreamed about that moment she returns. Me being there at the airport in a suit, giving her flowers and chocolates. Me spending time with her, holding her hand and holding her. I’m just not going to tell them that.

Instead I try to move the conversation on, “You two are alright with it?” I just… I know she wasn’t… well she could be…”

"Loud?" Kensuke says.

"Arrogant?" Touji adds.

"Obnoxious?" Kensuke speaks.

"A total bitch?" Touji says.

"Well... I wouldn't have been as unkind but I know you guys didn't really get on with her I guess..." I gaze down at the table.

"She wasn't so bad..." Touji says.

Kensuke chips in, “Yeah I mean… It’s not like we didn’t give as good as good as she gave us. Besides that was years ago.”

I feel myself smile, “Yeah… It was. Thanks guys.”

I resume eating and we continue to discuss a variety of things. That went a lot better than I thought, I thought that they would be against the idea of her being here. After the way she used to be back when she was here I thought they were happy to see the back of her and wouldn’t want her back. Yet they seem happy that she is going to be visiting.

I’m glad they’re happy and I feel like for the first time in a long I’m happy too.

\---

**30 th September 2021 – Kaworu Nagisa**

I turn myself around on the stool and watch as the woman leaves the room. She seemed to be quite satisfied with how the lesson went. It would seem that the advice I gave her last week was helpful. Our lesson today was spent analyzing the beginnings of the song she would like to learn. Over the past week I actually listened to the song several times, making notes of the chords used, the key it is in and dividing it up into sections.

I gave her the information I thought appropriate for the moment and we started to analyze the beginning of the song. Again I broke it down, helping her to understand the time signature used which in this case was a standard 4/4 as well as the tempo of the song. We then went over the chord changes for each bar of the introduction so she could get her left hand movement down. As an exercise I’ve given her the notation and asked if she could learn the first three bars of the song for next week.

She seemed keen to learn and she was actually able to listen to and play the chord changes for the introduction. It is my hope that she can not only learn this whole piece eventually but understand how I am breaking things down to help her learn other pieces in the future and perhaps even compose her own works one day.

With the room now empty I look around and wonder what I should do for the rest of this morning. Unfortunately, my other morning lesson has had to cancel due to a sudden illness. It is a shame because they seemed enthusiastic about learning too but I expect I shall see them next week. My next sessions are not until this afternoon. I must admit, I am looking forward to seeing the two beginners again to see how much progress has been made.

I could go home and relax until I need to return for the lesson but in the time it would take me to travel home and then get ready to come back and set everything up I do not think I would get much time to relax. Staying here is a more viable option but I cannot simply sit in this room for all that time. Except this is a part of town I’m not yet familiar with and this building is full of people I do not yet know.

Those two facts scare me, and I know they shouldn’t scare me but what happened to me all those weeks ago is still a vivid memory. I still fear going outside in case the same thing happens again. I am used to the commute from Fuyutsuki’s office to home and going for short walks around the area but this is an unknown area to me. I suppose that I, like many humans fear the unknown even though this seems like such a minor thing.

It is unlikely that anyone would attack me again. Fuyutsuki has a new security team watching us, one that he has personally vetted himself. The two that did attack me were assigned to me as a result of complacency by the UN. I still fear them though and I still fear the people I walk past on the street.

I take a deep breath and think of what Asuka would say to me at this time. She’d tell me to not let my fear hold me back because I have nothing to be afraid of. To think of her warms my heart and I imagine holding her hand as we walk through town as we have done a number of times. No one ever recognized us then, we were completely safe. I have nothing to fear, I can do this.

I start to pack my sheet music and books away into my bag but midway through I'm interrupted by the sound of my phone vibrating nearby. I quickly get up and rush over to it smiling hoping that it is Asuka. When I pick up the phone I see it is actually a number that I don't recognize.

Curiously I answer the phone, "Hello?"

_"Hello..."_

The voice speaks and then trails off, it's a soft voice and at first, I don't recognize it. Only at first though, they move past the initial greeting and I slowly start to recognize with shock who it is.

_"I-Is that Kaworu Nagisa?"_

My mouth opens to say yes but no sound actually comes out. Instead I feel my chest tight and I feel like time has slowed down all around me. There can be no mistaking it, the voice on the other end of the phone belong to Shinji Ikari. That nervousness I hear from them, the softness of their voice, it is him but... why is he calling me? How has he got my number?

I take a quick breath to compose myself to give him a reply, "Yes... Yes, it is..."

I have to sit myself back down on the piano stool, I feel dizzy knowing that he is on the other end of the line. After I reply there is silence, an uncomfortable silence and I can imagine him stood or sat there struggling to find something to say. You haven't changed in that regard, have you Shinji? Not that I'm coping much better though, in addition to the dizziness my mouth has gone completely dry.

My hand is shaking as I try to figure out what to do. Maybe I should say something? I take a moment to compose myself again and finally speak, "It... It's Shinji isn't it?"

I already know the answer to my question but I had to say something and nothing else springs to mind. I can hardly ask him how he is, can I? I can hardly ask him what he has been up to all these years. I can't have a normal conversation with him, I haven't earned that right.

Perhaps... Perhaps a part of me is hoping that it isn't really Shinji and it's just someone who happens to sound like him and knows my name. It could be someone else entirely, some nervous person wanting me to do a survey. That is unlikely though and I know it, this definitely is Shinji and it seems the time has come for our inevitable first discussion.

In truth I've wanted this for a while. I've wanted to speak to him. I want an opportunity to apologize to him. To explain things to him and maybe put things right. I never expected that he would contact me first though. I didn't expect to communicate with him at all, not until December when I travel to Japan. By then I had hoped that Asuka would have sorted things out and it'd have been easier.

 _"Yes... Yes, it is..."_  Shinji finally replies to me, I can hear his voice shaking as he speaks.

After his confirmation all turns silent again. This silence lasts for thirty or so seconds as I try to figure out what to say to him next. What can I say to him? What am I supposed to say in this sort of situation? I don't think there is a guide for it, I can't imagine anyone has ever been in this situation before. Do I start by apologizing? Do I do that simple thing and see what happens from there?

I also wonder why he's called me today of all days. I wonder if Asuka has anything to do with it, she has been speaking to him recently and the two of them seem to be friends. I know she has mentioned mine and his friendship to him too. From what I understand she has not mentioned that the two of us are more than friends.

The timing is strange though, myself and Asuka have become more comfortable with one another and our relationship. Last night we were physically intimate for the first time, it was a wonderful experience. Asuka seemed to enjoy it as well, I wonder if our relationship moving to this stage has prompted Asuka to try to do more to mend the bridge between myself and Shinji.

I wonder then if she has mentioned the relationship. I don't know what effect that would have had on Shinji though. I know he has feelings for her and I can sense the feelings that she has for him. I still fear that what I have with Asuka is only temporary, when she talks about Shinji she seems to glow. It would be best to tread carefully when mentioning Asuka. Perhaps I shouldn't mention her at all.

"I'm sorry." I finally speak.

As the same time that I start to speak I hear Shinji also speak,  _"Kaworu, I'm sorry."_

His words bring a smile to my lips as I shake my head, why, oh why are you apologizing to me Shinji? You have nothing to be sorry for. I was the one who wrong you and everyone else in this world. Do you not remember that? I was the one to hurt and betray you. I was the one who pushed you to the brink of despair.

The silence between us doesn't last as long this time,  _"A-Asuka... She gave me your number and said that... I should contact you but..."_

So, I was right. Asuka did tell Shinji to contact me, I'm not sure if she meant to do it now or to wait. From what I understand she probably would have preferred it done sooner rather than later. After all, she knows the impact of putting something off for a long time.

"I am glad that you did Sh-"

I catch myself before speaking his name. It does not seem appropriate to refer to him by his first name like that. I am not his close friend anymore, I do not have the right to refer to him so informally. What then do I say?

"I am glad that you did... Mr Ikari..."

The words leave my lips and I'm left thinking about how strange it sounds to refer to him in such a way. It sounded forced and weird, Shinji isn't a 'Mr Ikari', it doesn't fit with the person I knew at all. Yet, I don't feel I deserve the right to speak his first name, I shouldn't really have said anything at all.

 _"Mr Ikari?"_ He asks me in confusion,  _"P-Please... call me Shinji... Unless you would rather me call you Mr Nagisa?"_

"Yeah... okay... Shinji..." I nod my head, it does seem more natural to say his name like that. It felt so wrong to say Mr Ikari. I also smile again, realizing the strange reversal of roles in this conversation. Was this not similar to something I said to him all those years ago?

There is another pause, this is awkward, there is so much I’d like to say to him right now and yet my mind is preventing me from saying any of it. This is not like it was when I met him for the first time. I was able to approach him with confidence then but this is different. When I did that I had a goal and a purpose that had been given to me. I had nothing to fear, nothing to be ashamed of. I didn’t expect that I would actually feel something for him.

 _“Sorry I… I’m not very good at this…”_  I hear him say,  _“Asuka said… that I should speak to you. I… I guess I should have thought of something to say first though.”_

I wonder… I wonder if maybe you did think of something to say Shinji but much like me you can’t bring yourself to say those things. I wonder what those things would be, are you upset? Are you angry with me? Do you hate me? I would not blame you if you did.

“It is fine…” I reply with half a smile, “Just say whatever is within your heart.”

I frown immediately after saying that to him. I sound like a facsimile of myself all those years ago. I have little else I can say though.

 _“Okay I…”_  There is another short pause as I hear him take a deep breath,  _“I guess… I wanted to know if it was true… that you are really human now. I mean… they are all saying that you are… I… wanted to know the truth though.”_

I admittedly wasn’t expecting him to ask me that. It would seem that others have already told him about my current state of being. I’m not offended by the question, it makes sense that people would have doubts related to who I am. It is something that would be quite hard to believe, I just wasn’t expecting Shinji to ask me it in such a direct fashion.

“Yes.” I confirm confidently, “I am human… I am no longer an Angel.”

_“Good.”_

Shinji trails off once again after his reply and we go back to silence. I decide that maybe I should say something. It seems unfair for me to expect him to say everything in this conversation. It is I who should be speaking to him, I should be apologizing and explaining it all for him. I shouldn’t be expecting him to ask me twenty questions.

I think about how our meeting went the first time around. I approached him when he stood by the edge of that water. I sang and spoke to him. I befriended him, took advantage of his grief and told him what I thought he’d want to hear. I made him uncomfortable at times as well, my lack of human understanding contributed to that.

I want to apologize for everything, I want to explain everything to him and maybe start over with him. I take a deep breath of my own, “Shinji, you should know…”

It’s my turn to trail off midway through my sentence as I feel a lump form in the back of my throat. I swallow it back, I’m not going to cry, not yet and not here. I need to be stronger than this, crying can wait.

“I am… truly sorry about what happened between us back then. I would like to offer you an explanation for my actions. At the same time I fear that no explanation would be good enough for this situation.”

I pause for a moment in case Shinji wants to say something to me. He doesn’t say anything so I take that as a cue to continue, “Five years ago… I arrived in Tokyo-3 with a mission. I had no attachment to you nor anyone else in that city. I… befriended you and ultimately betrayed you on the orders of my masters. I won’t lie and say I didn’t mean to betray you, I did mean to do it when I got there but…”

 _“Does… Does that mean that you were never my friend?”_ Shinji cuts me off with his question and I feel my heart tighten in my chest.

“At first… I had no intention or really befriending you.” I admit to him, “But… after our first meeting and after speaking to you more I… I saw who you were and I… I wanted to be your friend. I had never met another person besides my masters. I had not had a friend. I had not known any other person.”

I sigh, “I could not stop my mission though.”

 _“Y-Your mission?”_  He asks me.

I wonder how much Shinji knows about my true mission back then. He must know about SEELE and the truth of things by now. I do not know how much information there was left about me though, if any at all.

“To… make contact with Adam… the progenitor of the Angels… SEELE sent me to Tokyo-3 to do that.” I explain to him, “They also… wanted me to make contact with you. I admit… I did question it at first.”

 _“Why? Why did they need me?”_ Shinji asks, _“Why did you need to befriend me?”_

“I don’t know, I questioned it at first but I did not get an answer from them.” I say to him, “I was… little more than an obedient tool for them. Their orders were to befriend you and not long after I made contact they then ordered me to make contact with Adam.”

 _“I… I see…”_ I can hear his voice cracking over the phone. He takes a moment to compose himself,  _“Thank you… For being honest…”_

Shinji doesn’t sound angry at what I’ve told him. In a way I wish he was, perhaps that’d make it easier for me to know where I stand. I could accept him being angry but this… he sounds upset but I can’t tell if he is angry or glad I’ve told him this. I dislike this uncertainty.

“I am… truly sorry Shinji.” I apologize to him once more, “I want you to know that by the end of things my feelings for you were genuine but it was too late for me. Every Angel was born to feel the call of the progenitor, it sang to me and whispered to me and SEELE fed that call. I could not stop it or turn back and… I thought I was truly doing the right thing. It was only when I saw it was Lilith and not Adam that I… learned the truth.”

I pause again, “But that… does not excuse what I did to you. I am aware of that and I do not expect you to forgive me. If anything I just want you to know the truth of that situation. I am truly sorry Shinji.”

\---

**Tokyo-2 - Shinji Ikari**

I hear Kaworu apologize to me once again and I really am unsure of what to say to him. I fear that if I open my mouth to reply I’ll be sick or burst into tears. I can feel my stomach churning and the burning in my eyes. I feel like my chest is about to burst. This is all too much, the apologies and the explanations, I shouldn’t have called him yet. I should have waited.

The worst thing is that I can hear all of the emotion in Kaworu’s voice as well. I can hear his voice cracking each time he speaks and it makes me unsure of what to feel. I wanted to be angry with him. I was going to demand explanations and warn him to not hurt Asuka but he is on the verge of tears just as I am. This isn’t the same Kaworu I met all those years ago, this is a real… human being.

I admit though, hearing the truth has hurt me. It hurt to learn that he wasn’t my friend at first and approached me with the aim of manipulating me. I am glad that he has been honest about that to me. That is what I truly wanted from this, honesty.

 _“Shinji I…”_ I hear him speak to me once again. I recognize the strain in his voice, he’s facing the same difficulties that I am,  _“I do not deserve your forgiveness and I would not blame you if you said no to this. I… would like the opportunity to talk with you more, I would like to explain everything. I want to tell you who I am and was, how I was raised and so much more.”_

There is a brief pause as I mull his words over,  _“Please… be honest with me though. Do not feel you have to say yes for my feelings but… I would also like the opportunity to be your friend once again.”_

My heart hurts and I really don’t know what to say to him. His words… I can hear the emotion and sincerity in them but I just don’t know. Could this just be another lie? Could this be another trick? Kaworu sounded sincere when I first met him and that didn’t seem like a lie but it all ended up being one. Could this not just be a lie again?

I think about what advice Misato and Rei would give me in this situation. They would probably advise me against it, they’d be telling me to say no and stay far away. In fact, I don’t think they’d like the fact that I made this phone call in the first place.

The longer this phone call goes on the more I feel like I’ve made a mistake. Asuka told me to contact him but I don’t think she meant right away. I just… I just thought if I did it now then it would help us all but now I just feel worn out. Now I’m stuck in this situation where I have so much to say and yet don’t know what to say.

Should I accept it? Is that what Asuka wanted, for us to be friends again like she is friends with him. I mean if Asuka is friends with him then things must be okay, right? Asuka wouldn’t let herself be tricked and manipulated in that fashion. Also, why would Kaworu be trying to trick us? The Eva’s are gone now, SEELE and NERV don’t exist anymore. There is nothing for him.

Yet I can’t fight that doubt in my mind and I can’t just give him an answer to his request yet. I need to think more about this. I need more time. I look at the phone in my hand and shake my head. I’m not ready for that yet.

“Kaworu I… I’m sorry but I ca-“

I don’t get a chance to finish my sentence.

 _“You do not need to say anything else, I understand.”_  The churning in my stomach accelerates as I hear a sniff and the sounds of his voice cracking,  _“Goodbye Shinji.”_

Kaworu hangs up immediately and I’m left simply staring at my phone in silence. He was crying when he hung the phone up. Should I call him back and apologize? Would he want to speak to me again? I feel a tear roll down my own cheek as I grip the phone tightly. I’m sorry Kaworu.


	13. Realization

**30 th September 2021 – Rei Ayanami**

It is early evening when I return to the apartment and when I enter the front room I quickly realize that no one is home right now. This is fine, for now the silence and solitude suits me. I have had a particularly busy day at the school and then seeing Kodama for a couple of hours afterwards. Whilst I enjoy volunteering and I enjoy seeing Kodama even more the opportunity to return home and enjoy some time alone is a welcome one.

There might once have been a time when I would have been worried for Shinji not being home. He rarely went out, if ever up until a few weeks ago. The only time he would go out would be short trips or when there was a full group of us. Even then those would be rare occasions. Now, since he has started the rehearsals for the concert and gotten back in contact with Asuka he seems more confident and less reluctant to venture out. It pleases me that he is happy.

Naturally Misato is not home either. She did however mention that over the next couple of weeks she is intending on taking a short break. She even made an offer to take us away somewhere for a short holiday if we desire it. I am unsure if such a thing will be possible. With Shinji’s commitments to the concert and my relationship with Kodama and the job in the school it would be difficult for us too.

All I would like is to see Misato more often. I certainly do not hold it against her that she has to work as late and as often as she does. I know she does it to ensure myself and Shinji have a home and I do believe that what she does is important. I do know she feels bad about it but she does not need to. I still would embrace the opportunity to see her more though.

At least she and both myself and Shinji are happy. This is likely to be the first time that we have all been happy and content. It is something I have wanted for so very long. I know that it is unlikely this happiness will last as it is forever, the way forward will not be simple. There will be issues and bumps in that road but we are happy for now and we should embrace that.

For me it is very simple things that are making me happy. Seeing my brother smiling so frequently, knowing that the bond between he and Asuka is being mended and of course my ongoing relationship with Kodama. This happiness is wonderful and it is strange to think that it was a feeling I did not know existed a few years ago.

I stretch myself out on the couch and wonder what I should do for the rest of the evening. Tonight is supposed to be my turn to prepare dinner but with Shinji still out and Misato not back yet it seems pointless to do anything right now. In addition I lack the motivation to do anything, perhaps I should just pay for something to be delivered instead.

I would go and get my laptop to look at potential places to order from but I am now lying on the sofa and very comfortable here. I did not realize how exhausted I was from seeing Kodama until I started to lie down. Perhaps I should do something else, I have been meaning to contact Asuka for a week or so now. I can do that whilst lying down.

I have not spoken to Asuka much since she and Shinji started to speak again. In a way I feel like I should give the two of them more time to speak and any time I speak to her would use up that time. I admittedly am still feeling quite ashamed of my actions leading up to the two of them speaking again. I know that both of them have said they forgive me and that it was fine but I still do not feel good about the situation.

I am also apprehensive about hearing more regarding her ongoing relationship with Nagisa. Having had more time to think about things I admit that perhaps I have been unfair regarding that situation. It has been nine months since he arrived at the emergence center and he has not done anything untoward. It has been confirmed to me that he is human and no trace of the Angel he was remains.

In addition he has been friends with Asuka for a couple of months and caused her no harm. If anything it has been he who has been hurt. He was the one who was attacked, it was something that I know we all feared would happen to each of us. We all played a role in the events leading up to Third Impact and we carry that with us each day. Yet deep down we all knew it was illogical to fear someone hurting us. Except… that very thing did happen to Nagisa.

Yet, I still cannot bring myself to trust him. I fear for Asuka’s safety despite knowing that my friend is not likely to let anyone hurt her so easily. I also know that if she did not trust him then she would not let him get close to her. She would never have gotten involved with him.

I suppose another part of me feels some resentment towards that friendship too. It is illogical but I fear that her friendship with him could spell an end to her friendship with me, after all they live in the same city, and it is easier for the two of them to see one another. If she also has contact with Shinji again and re-develops that bond then where would that leave me?

I am an outsider, I always have been and I filled that gap for Asuka whilst she came to terms with who she was. Now she seems to have what she needs so my role is done, isn’t it?

No, it isn’t. I know this isn’t true and yet I ask myself these questions. My friendship with Asuka is not over, nor will it be.

My other fear is that what she has with Kaworu seems to have developed into a romance with him. Perhaps it was wrong of me but I dislike this. I always envisioned Asuka and my brother being together. I know they have had their difficulties but there was always a strong bond between them that transcended being friends.

I was so certain within my heart that they would resolve these difficulties and finally begin that relationship. Therefore Asuka falling for another does not sit right with me. It does not feel right, especially when I am more than aware of my brother’s feelings for her. I can only imagine how heartbroken he’ll be when he finds out.

I try to rid my head of these thoughts. It is not right of me to think such things. Asuka and Shinji are both adults and it is not up to me to think in such a way. My brother will have other opportunities to find love as time goes on and Asuka deserves love and happiness as well. I should be supportive of Asuka’s choices and if Shinji is hurt then I will be there to support him as well.

I pull my phone out of my pocket but as I so I hear the door to the apartment opening. I listen for the voice and hear a mumbled ‘I’m home’ from Shinji. Immediately the tone of his voice makes me worry.

“Welcome home!” I call back to him, sit up and listen as he makes his way through the corridor and into the front room. As he enters I can see that I was not wrong to be concerned. He is visibly upset about something.

I stand up, “Shinji, is everything okay?”

Shinji looks at me, his mouth open ever so slightly. He closes his mouth and I see him swallow before he finally shakes his head, “No… I… I spoke to Kaworu…”

I move around to him quickly and hug him tightly. I say nothing to him but already my mind is jumping to what feared. Shinji has found out that Asuka and Nagisa are romantically involved and it has hurt him deeply. I remain silent as I release him from the hug and watch as he wipes his eye. I gently guide him towards the couch and sit him down. I sit down on the seat opposite and take his hand.

He takes a few moments to compose himself, “I… It was my own fault…”

“What do you mean?” I ask curiously.

“Asuka… We were talking and she said that maybe I should speak to Kaworu sometime.” Shinji shakes his head after he speaks, “I… I was an idiot though. I just went right ahead and did it. I didn’t think about what I wanted to say or what might happen, I just charged in and called him!”

“I see.” I stroke his hand with my thumb to comfort him. This would admittedly not be the first time my brother has been impulsive at an incorrect moment. I suppose at least the consequences are less dire this time around, “I presume that things did not go as you expected?”

“I don’t know what I was expecting.” Shinji shrugs, “He… He apologized to me though.”

“That is a good thing then.” I reply to him whilst also making an attempt to push my own personal feelings for Nagisa to one side.  Whilst I have recognized that I might have been unfair towards him it is still going to take some time for me to see him as anything other than a threat.

In truth this situation is not going to help that, clearly something has happened between them to upset my brothers. Now is not an appropriate time for my misgivings though. Shinji needs me support and not my feelings about Nagisa.

“I’m sorry Rei.” Shinji lowers his head, “I’m so stupid. I should have waited and spoke to Asuka more about what to say. I should have come to you and Misato. I… I don’t know what I was thinking, I thought it’d be easy but…”

I squeeze his hand and quickly move to cut him off, “Shinji, you are not stupid. You are your own person and free to make decisions by yourself. You do not need permission from myself or Misato.

“I know that Rei I just…” he lets out a sigh, “If I had spoken to you or Misato first I could have worked out what to say to him. If I had spoken to Asuka first she could have arranged it with him for us to speak so he’d be prepared. Instead I… I just made a mess of it…”

I raise a curious eyebrow, “Did you argue when you spoke?”

Shinji shakes his head, “No, we didn’t. If we had then… maybe this’d have been easier.”

“Then tell me what happened.” I say to him.

“I called him and… I didn’t really know what to say. I… I started by asking if he was really human now, I guess… I had heard it from you and Asuka and I had no reason to doubt it but I wanted to hear it from him.”

I nod, I can understand that. Whilst it is one thing to hear about something it means more to have confirmation from the person themselves, “I understand your desire to hear him say that. Did his answer satisfy you?”

“I guess…” Shinji shrugs again, “After that though I couldn’t really think of anything else to say. I wanted to tell him how I felt but the truth is I didn’t know. I wish I could have just yelled at him or something and told him I hated him for what he did to me...”

“That is not who you are though.” I tell Shinji, “Also I do not feel that you hate Nagisa.”

“No… I don’t. If I did then it’d have been easier but I don’t because I don’t understand. I don’t know why he did what he did, I don’t know what he was or who he really was.” Shinji lets out another sigh, “So… I thought… maybe I could ask him. I asked him if he really was my friend all those years ago.”

“And what was his reply?”

“He was actually honest with me.” Shinji half smiles as he speaks, “He said he wasn’t supposed to be my friend at first. He actually told me the truth, that he was sent to befriend me as part of his mission but as time went on his feelings changed.”

“Yet he still betrayed you…” I try to hide the venom in my voice as I speak but I fear I am unable to do so.

“I know…. He tried to explain that as well. Mentioned his mission and that he was unable to stop it.” Shinji shakes his head, “I… I didn’t really understand it. He said he wanted to explain it all to me. He said he’d like another chance to be friends with me.”

“What did you say?”

Shinji looks at me, “I said no. I told him no and… then he hung up. I think I hurt him Rei, I actually upset him and made him cry. I did a bad thing.”

“No.” I take Shinji’s hand in both of mine, “You did not do a bad thing. You did what was right for you at the time. If you did not feel you were able to be friends with him then you were correct in telling him such a thing.”

“But he was crying Rei…”

“Sometimes the truth can hurt a person.” I reply, “Both me and you know this but a lie can hurt a person more.”

“I just…” Shinji lowered his eyes again, “Asuka wanted me to give him a chance and wanted us to be friends. I… I upset him and she’s going to be angry at me because of it. I should have waited and figured things out, I shouldn’t have rushed it like that.”

“What you could or should have done does not matter now. It has already been done.” For a moment I wonder if my words were appropriate and will not just upset him more. I continue to speak, “What matter is how you move forward.”

“I don’t know what to do now though…” Shinji replies, “Asuka is going to be angry at me.”

“No, she will not be angry. I am sure that Asuka will understand what has happened.” I tell him, “She will see that it is a situation that can be resolved.”

“How though?” Shinji asks me, “I upset him, I doubt he’d want to speak to me again.”

“I do not know, perhaps it is not a situation that can be resolved quickly.” I reply, “Perhaps it is something that will take time for you both.”

“Do you think I should have forgiven him?”

“No. I do not, at least not until you learned the truth. Remember that Nagisa’s actions did not just hurt you, he did not just betray you but he also put this planet at risk. Whilst he may have been acting under the influence of another he was still aware…”

I trail off as I come to a sudden realization. Nagisa’s situation is not a unique one, there has been another who has been in that position. That person is myself. I was under the influence of our father for many years, I lied about who I was and my actions hurt others and put this planet at risk.

I nearly betrayed them all for that scenario until the last minute when I decided to betray our father. Even than it was too late to truly stop things from happening. I could have stopped it sooner but I did not. Shinji and the others know all of this and they forgave me.

Myself and Nagisa, we are similar. I’ve condemned him despite myself being guilty of the same acts. I painted him as evil and manipulative and why? The only difference between he and I is that he could speak to people whilst I wasn’t able to. Maybe I’ve always known this and that’s why I condemn him so much. What if someone were to condemn me liken that though? Perhaps people already have done. The thought makes me feel sick.

I let out a sigh of my own not quite know what I should say to Shinji. I have no words to say anymore. Instead I move over beside him and pull him into another hug.

“What should I do Rei?” I hear him ask me.

I do not know what advice I should give to my brother. I no longer feel I am qualified to give him advice regarding Nagisa considering how I myself have acted. Yet I feel I must say something, I want to help my brother be happy. I want to try to salvage this situation.

“I believe… it would be worthwhile listening to what he has to say.” I finally reply, “You do not have to do it now or this week but you should listen to him. You should explain to him why you feel you can’t forgive him yet but you might be able to. You should be honest with him.

“Do you think he will understand?”

I nod, “If he really does want forgiveness and to be friends with you again then yes… I do.”

**Asuka Langley Soryu**

God damn it, my hand hurts like hell! I close up the book and place it onto one of the piles near to me and wonder why the hell I agreed to do this. Up until now I’ve been so adamant about who I was as a writer. I’ve always made an effort to make sure there is no chance my pseudonym is revealed. I always said there would be no press appearances, no signings, no interviews and no social media. My publisher would release the book under the name I gave them and that was to be it.

Now, for some reason, I’ve agreed to sign five hundred copies of the first book and said that I’ll sign five hundred copies of the second book too. So today I’ve been working through those copies of the first book. I had to come up with a signature for Mari Makinami, I figured something simple would do. It’s not so much a signature really, more of a wiggly line with a smiley cat face above it.

It’s all Kaworu’s fault. He was the one who persuaded me to do this. I was going to say no to the publisher when they suggested it. I was going to suggest giving an anonymous donation or something to the charity. Kaworu on the other hand said I should do it. He appealed to my ego by informing me how much people would love to have an item signed by my hand. He also appealed to my heart on mentioning how much good publicity it would be for the charity.

What can I say, I have a soft spot for cheering up disadvantaged children. I can’t imagine where that comes from. So I decided I’d do it, if it will genuinely help these children get the treatment they need not just physically but mentally then I want to help. I don’t want there to be another child that grows up like I did out there.

I let out a loud yawn as I lean back in my seat. I’ve been tired all day, I suppose that hasn’t made things much easier. I’m not sure if I can blame Kaworu for my tiredness though, after all I was the one who initiated things. Still, as I think back, the tiredness I’m feeling now is totally worth it.

Kaworu made me feel good and the best thing is that for once feeling good like that hasn’t been accompanied by the usual shame and guilt I always feel. Instead… I feel happy, I feel content. I can still remember every detail of it too, I can remember how his hands felt as they ran themselves over my body. I can remember how his fingers felt as he touched me. I can remember the warmth I got from him and how he felt in my hands.

I shudder and feel myself blush as my mind continues to wander. If that is how good that feels then I can’t imagine how good it would feel to make love to him. I blush some more as I shake my head, what the hell is happening to me? I’m fantasizing about making love to Kaworu in the middle of the day. I’ve changed over these last few months. Those walls I kept up around me have slowly started to come down without me realizing it.

I don’t dislike knowing that though. I always kept them up before I feared what would happen if I let them down but… it isn’t so bad. I’m in a place I never thought I deserved to be. I’m actually happy with who I am and my life. I actually know that people are my friend and I… I’m falling in love… no… I’ve fell in love.

I was never supposed to fall in love. I was never meant to let people in romantically. All that would happen is I’d get hurt by them. Yet I want to let Kaworu in, I want to let him in more. I want to continue to feel like this because I’m starting to realize that what Rei might actually have been right all those years. I am worth something and I do deserve to be happy.

I get up from the seat and head into the kitchen to pour myself a drink, just as I do I hear the front door open. A moment later Kaworu enters the room, I barely get a chance to look at him as he moved past me and mutters a greeting. I watch as he takes off his jacket and throws it onto the couch and sets his bag down roughly on the floor.

I slowly make my way towards him wondering what it is that could have upset him. This was only his second week of teaching piano but I wonder if it could really have been something during one of his lessons. Last week he was speaking about how pleasant everyone was and besides, they're paying him for these private lessons it isn't as if he has a classroom full of people to manage.

Perhaps then something has happened on the way home. I feel my chest tighten for a moment as my mind goes back to him being attacked a few weeks ago. It doesn't seem likely that he was attacked though, he didn't look hurt or anything when he got in, just upset.

I carefully path around the stacks of books and stand near the edge of the sofa, "Kaworu... Is everything alright?"

He turns to me and gives me a weak half-arsed smile, "It's fine, how was your day?"

He immediately turns away and reaches for his bag and starts rummaging through it, I frown at him, "Kaworu..."

Kaworu ignores me as he pulls out his books and sheet music from the bag. He throws them down somewhat angrily onto the coffee table and opens one of the books. If he thinks I'm just going to accept that he's 'fine' he has another thing coming. I sit next to him and put my finger under the cover of the book and flip it shut.

"Kaworu..." I then reach out with my hand and gently turn his head to face me, I can see his eyes widen as I narrow my own eyes at him, "Tell me what is wrong... or I'll..."

I don't even get the opportunity to come up with some vaguely creative threat that I'd never seriously carry out before he replies to me, "I spoke to Shinji today!"

I'm stunned into silence as I release my grip on Kaworu's chin. He turns and angrily opens his book again and gazes at the page. I take a moment to process what he has told me. Shinji... Shinji, you idiot! You absolute idiot! When I said you should speak to Kaworu I didn't mean you should call him straight away! You... You absolutely goddamn idiot!

"Oh... Did you?" I finally reply through gritted teeth.

Kaworu nods in frustration, "Yes, he called me this morning just after I had finished my first lesson. He said that... you told him to contact me."

This is... new, I don't think I've heard Kaworu sound annoyed like this before, at least outside of when we're playing games anyway. I didn't really think it was possible for Kaworu to be angry like this. I watch for a moment as he flips a page of the book. It'd be amusing if I myself wasn't angry at this.

"Oh... Did he?" I make no attempt to hide my own annoyance at the situation, "And what exactly did Shinji have to say?"

"He wanted to know if I was really human and I told him." Kaworu's voice sounds strained as he speaks, I can hear the anger in it but I can also hear his voice cracking, "I said to him I was and I tried to apologize for what happened. I... I asked him if I could explain things to him and if I might have another chance to be friends. He said no."

Kaworu immediately drops his head as he says that last line and I see his other hand clench itself into a fist as he brings it down onto his knee. I feel my own anger subside as I reach out and place my hand onto Kaworu's leg and rub gently.

This is not how I had expected their first conversation to go nor how I wanted it to go. I also did not expect Shinji to contact Kaworu so soon after I suggested it. I was hoping that perhaps he would wait a day or two or even speak to me and Rei about it first. Damn it Shinji, why do you have to be impulsive at just the wrong moments?

"I think..." Kaworu finally looks up, "I think it would be best if I were to not go to Japan with you in December. I know it was your wish for me to be there and for me and Shinji to be friends but I fear that would not be possible. I am sorry but what I did appears to be unforgivable."

"No." I squeeze his leg in comfort, "It isn't..."

"Yes." Kaworu turns to look at me, "It is, I am sorry but I was a fool to think I could be forgiven. I hurt Shinji with my actions. I didn't just hurt him, I betrayed him when he had nothing, I offered him friendship and then took it away from him. I do not deserve his forgiveness, I'm angry at myself for even thinking I did."

"Kaworu, you can't..." I try to speak softly to calm him down.

"No!" He interrupts me, "I shouldn't have deluded myself into thinking I."

"Stop it!" It's my turn to cut him off sharply, "Just stop it! You aren't deluded and you will be coming to Japan with me!"

“But he hates me!” Kaworu snaps back, “If I’m there with you then all I’ll do is end up doing is causing more pain for him. I’ll just be a distraction. I don’t want to hurt him any more than I have done!”

Damn it Shinji, just what the hell did you say to Kaworu to make him act like this? What the hell did Kaworu say to you for this to happen? I thought you were going to hear him out and talk to him properly so what caused this? Did you just jump in without thinking? Is that it? No matter what Kaworu tells me I know you don’t hate him, I know you wanted to mend this. I could hear it in your voice when I spoke to you, I know how the two of you feel about each other!

I put my arm around Kaworu and remain silent as I try to figure out just how to fix this. At the same time, the last thought I had rings through my head. It’s true, I do know exactly how Kaworu feels about Shinji and I know how Shinji feels about him as well. It’s the same thing that did feel for Shinji and it’s the thing that I feel for Kaworu right now. Love, it is love that I feel for Kaworu and it is love that they have for one another.

The thought of it frightens me and there is a darker part of me that thinks that maybe I should embrace and maybe even encourage this division. Maybe I should just let Kaworu give up on attaining forgiveness from Shinji and maybe I should tell Shinji to not try to contact Kaworu. If I do… then I get to keep Kaworu, I get to stay happy and I don’t have to fear the inevitable. Let’s be honest, Shinji is a much better person than I could ever hope to be.

That part of me is still waiting for what it thinks is inevitable. For Kaworu to realize the so-called truth and abandon me. It was there from the beginning of our friendship and as we’ve grown closer it’s continued to be there.

No, I can’t let myself think things like that. I can’t continue to see myself as that person anymore. I’m not that person. I’m not the Asuka I was all those years ago. I’m not a bad person and I’m not going to suddenly transform into that.

As for Kaworu, I shouldn’t fear him suddenly leaving me. I know he won’t leave me like that. I know his feelings for me are true. I know how he feels for me. Besides… I have to help fix this, it’s my fault it happened in the first place. I don’t really know how to fix it but I will.

I let out a sigh, I guess I need to know more, “Look… This can be fixed, just… start from the beginning. Tell me exactly what happened.”

He closes his book in irritation, “I don’t see what the point is he…”

“Just humour me Kaworu.”

“Okay.” He nods, “I finished my first lesson and then after it I got a phonecall. I answered it and it was Shinji, he said you gave him my number and told him to contact me.”

“Yes, that is true.” I nod as I reply, not making much of an effort to hide my own annoyance, “I said that he should speak to you. I didn’t… think he’d do it right away though.”

“You didn’t?” Kaworu asks me.

“Of course not!” I shake my head, “I only suggested it to him and said it’d be good if he spoke to you about what had happened. I had told him we were friends and figured that it’d be good for you both to speak before we go over there! I thought that maybe he’d use his brain and talk to others first or take the time to think about it.”

“I see.” Kaworu leans back in the seat, “That does explain why he was struggling for something to say.”

“So…” I pause for a moment, “Shinji asked you if you were human and you said yes. Then what?”

“I told him I was, he seemed to accept that.” Kaworu explains, “After that he… didn’t really say anything else so I tried to tell him things about me.”

Kaworu leans forward again and idly plays with the corner of the book, “I didn’t really know where to start. There is a lot about me he didn’t know and it’s hard to organize it all when you’re put on the spot like that.”

I move my hand to his back and rub it gently, “So what did you tell him?”

Kaworu shrugs, “I told him that I had a mission and that part of that mission was to befriend him. I… I said I’d like to tell him more and then I apologized to him again for what I did and what I put him through.”

“And then what?”

“I asked him if…” Kaworu pauses for a moment and I see his angry demenour start to drop. He takes a moment to compose himself and I ready myself for what will happen next, “I asked maybe it would be possible to be friends again. I said that I’d like to explain everything to him about who I was and what I was. I… I asked him to be honest.

Kaworu turns to me at this point as he speaks, his voice becoming more ragged with each word. I watch as a tear slowly starts to trickle down his cheek. I reach up and gently wipe it away with my thumb. I’m slowly starting to see where things might have gone wrong now.

I remain quiet as once again Kaworu begins to speak, “He said… he was sorry but he couldn’t…”

Another tear falls down his cheek and I wrap an arm around him and pull him close to me. I run my hand through his hair, “I… I couldn’t stand to hear him say anything else so I just told him he didn’t have to explain and then I ended the call.”

“It’s alright.” I say softly as I continue to run my hand through his hair. I’m still trying to figure out how I can solve this. I didn’t their first conversation to happen like this. I’m not so stupid as to expect it to be resolved in one day but I certainly didn’t expect this.

“Did you try to call him back afterwards?” I ask Kaworu out of curiosity.

I feel him shake his head, “No… I felt that he would not want to speak to me so I thought it would be better for me to focus on the rest of my day.”

“And… Shinji didn’t try to call you again either, did he?” I ask, just to make sure.

“No, which confirmed to me that he did not wish to speak to me.” Kaworu answers.

I nod, it’s not too dissimilar to how I’ve acted in the past. Not getting in contact because I thought they wouldn’t want to speak to me and then having that theory confirmed by them not contacting me. I know Shinji, he’ll probably have been feeling the same thing. I know… I know he wants to fix this. He’ll be regretting what happened just as much as Kaworu.

I have to fix this. I can’t let the same thing that happened to me and Shinji happen to these two. I can’t let them repeat my mistake. I’m not going to let them both spend five years wondering about the other. This has to be resolved.

I feel Kaworu shift himself, he looks me in the eye, all the annoyance of before is now gone. He looks almost puppy like in his sadness, “So you understand, I cannot go to Japan now. I would be…”

I place my hand on his chin and lean in quickly to kiss him on the lips in an effort to silence him. I pull away and stare deeply into his eyes and let myself smile, “Kaworu… You are going to come to Japan with me. I’ll speak to Rei later on and find out what is happening to Shinji. I’ll set it up so you can explain things to him properly at the very least.”

“What if you can’t do that? What if he doesn’t want to?”

“Kaworu…” I kiss him again, “I’m Asuka Langley Soryu, I can do anything.”

“T-Thank you…” He finally smiles and then he leans in to kiss me. His lips meet mine and my mouth parts slightly to allow my tongue to explore his mouth. I feel his hand rest itself on my side and I allow him to carefully position himself on top of me on the couch. I smile up at him as he pulls away and looks at me, “I… I am so thankful to you Asuka. I don’t know what I would have done these past few months without you. I just… I want a chance to explain things to him and say I’m sorry.”

“I know Kaworu…” I nod, “And I’ll make sure you get that. What happened today… I made a mistake in telling him to contact you. I should have expected him to do that but… it can be fixed.”

“I hope so. Again, thank you… thank you Asuka. I… I love you, from the bottom of my heart.”

For a brief moment I’m actually stunned into silence by his words. I feel the sensation of butterflies in my stomach. He… He loves me and… he actually said it. I feel myself grin as I wrap one arm around him and run my free hand along his side, “I love you too Kaworu.”

**1st October 2021 - Rei Ayanami**

I sit up and move the curtain to one side to gaze up at the moon. It is bright in the sky tonight, it is a beautiful sight and yet the is something disturbing about it. The brightness of the moon has also put emphasis on the streak of red that now crosses over it. As the years have gone on this streak has faded, it was at its worst when it just after Third Impact, now it is duller and it may one day go completely.

In a way I hope it doesn't, that blood red streak, as haunting as it is for me also serves as a reminder of what was avoided. There are of course more reminders on this earth, the red waters around Tokyo-3 and the city itself but the streak is one that all of humanity can see, no matter where in the world.

I can still remember that day so vividly, I remember standing in front of Lilith and hearing it call out to me. I remember the commander appearing and telling me it was time and then I heard the scream of Shinji. He was in such pain and in that brief moment I knew exactly what it was I had to do. I had to ease that pain, I had to stop his suffering.

I took Adam from the commander into myself and the unholy union of Adam and Lilith was complete. I would become akin to a god and let Shinji dictate the future of this world. Through this we were able to avert the loss of all mankind. It was not a simple process but I had faith that Shinji would make the right decision.

I close the curtain and look at the clock. It is now three in the morning, I came into my bedroom at half eleven with the intention of going to sleep. I thought that I would have no difficulties but since I came into my room the exhaustion that I had been feeling has now faded. It has been replaced by an energy that is fueled by the thoughts circling in my mind.

I find myself to be concerned for Shinji. Over the course of the evening his sadness at the events of the day did not fade. If anything, it just seemed to grow. I wish I could have helped him, I made an attempt to reassure him that things would be find but my attempts were a failure.

It is both disheartening and frustrating in equal measures. I wish that things could be so simple that they were able to be repaired in one evening. I know that the truth is things are rarely ever that easy. I told him so much myself. I told him that the situation between himself and Nagisa was not one that'd be quick to repair. Yet I find myself unable to accept my own words.

This situation with Nagisa is an eye opening one for me. It is forcing me to face memories and thoughts that I had locked away after I returned. I have, up until now, tried to think very little about what my role in the world was at that time. There have been many an occasion where I have been unable to do this, in those times I have been fortunate to have Asuka or Shinji to turn to.

When I look back on those times I see exactly what I was. I was a victim. Gendo Ikari brought me into this world not to be a person but to serve a purpose. The fact that I resembled a person mattered little to him, if anything it helped him develop his scenario. I was raised to not challenge my role in life, I was kept isolated and told that my only purpose was to keep to the scenario.

Shinji arrived one day and slowly my life changed. I started to see value in myself beyond being a puppet. Shortly afterwards Asuka arrived and we became a team. Thanks to her I also started to question my role in life, I started to realize that maybe what I wanted did matter.

Nagisa, you are the same as I am, aren't you? You were a being brought up to serve a particular purpose and not question your role. Unlike me you were unable to go against your role though. Maybe that is why I think I hate you, because you were unable to do what I did. How could you have done that though? You aren't me and you didn't have the same experiences I did.

Perhaps it is not just Shinji who should speak to Nagisa, perhaps I should speak to him as well. Since I have heard of his return I have done nothing but warn and be angry about him but I have not reached out to communicate with him to learn the truth. When others returned and saw me, they did not act that way towards me, they spoke to me and learned the truth of things. I owe Nagisa that same courtesy, I should be the one to speak to him.

I want to help to fix this situation between Shinji and Nagisa. I know that Asuka will want to fix it as well. As it is she is the only one out of all of us who knows the truth about Nagisa. She has tried to tell me before but I was unwilling to listen. I am willing to listen now, only I want to hear it from him. Perhaps if I know the truth myself then I can help Shinji to understand.

I pull up my phone to see what time it is in Germany. It is not too late over there and I know Asuka isn’t the sort to go to bed early. I just hope that I am not interrupting anything between her and Nagisa. I know that with them starting a romantic relationship it is likely I might call them in the middle of certain activities. Still, I need to do this now, otherwise I will not sleep tonight.

I select Asuka’s contact card and hold the phone to my ear. I hear the phone ring for a short while before she picks up, her voice sounds panicked, “Rei? Is everything alright? It’s early in the morning over there isn’t it?”

“Yes, everything is fine.” I reply, “I am calling about the situation between Nagisa and Shinji?”

“Well, nothing like getting straight to the point.” I hear her laugh, “I was actually going to call you tomorrow morning about it. Look… It seems like I’m saying this sort of thing a lot lately but I’m sorry. I was the one who told Shinji to contact Nagisa.”

“Yes, I know.” I say, “I do not believe you are to blame for this situation.”

“I just didn’t expect him to go straight ahead and do it. I thought that maybe he would…”

I finish her sentence for her, “Consult myself or Misato first?”

“Yes.” Asuka confirms, “Of maybe he would talk to me a bit more about it.”

“But he did not do that…”

“No… He didn’t do that… I’m just used to him being more hesitant about things.”

I smile, “You know what Shinji can be like…”

“Yeah… I know!” I hear her sigh, “I know damn well what he can be like. I know he probably thought it’d be better to do it right away. I know he probably thought that since I asked him to he should do it right away. God knows I demanded he do things right away when I lived with him, so why wouldn’t he think that?”

“It is not your fault he did this.” I make an effort to reassure her, whilst what she is saying has some truth to it I do not believe Shinji contacted Nagisa right away before of those memories. I just think it was an unfortunately thing, “Who or what is to blame does not matter now. What matters is that we resolved this. Shinji is upset by what happened. He fear that he will also have upset you, I assume that is not the case.”

“Urgh, that idiot!” Asuka snaps back, “Of course that isn’t the case! Does he really think that?”

“Yes he does.”

“Yeah… Of course he does. I do feel bad for Kaworu but I’m not exactly angry at Shinji. It’s not like I expected this to be an instant fix, I just didn’t think it’d go this bad.”

“Was Nagisa upset?” I ask.

“He was upset enough that he has said it’d be best if he didn’t come to Japan in December.” Asuka tells me, “I told him that he will definitely be coming to Japan.”

“I see.” I pause for a moment to take in this new information. I was not aware that Nagisa was intending to visit Japan in December. I feel like perhaps I should have expected it to do the ongoing romance between Asuka and Nagisa. This does complicate matters slightly, before knowing this I believe we had a good quantity of time to resolve the problem.

I was hoping to speak to him a couple of times over the next few weeks before getting him and Shinji to speak again. I will have to accelerate that process now. I am confident we can resolve the situation but I am unsure if we can do it by then. If not then where will that leave things for the concert?

“What if we are unable to resolve this by then?” I ask Asuka.

“Hah!” Asuka laughs, “Of course we will be able to resolve it! With the two of us guiding them we can’t possibly fail! We just need to get the two of them to actually think about things properly.”

Her reply gives me some confidence and I allow myself to smile, “Okay, I’ll speak to Shinji in the morning. There is something I wanted to ask you though.”

“Sure, what is it?”

“I… would like to speak to Nagisa myself.” I make my request, “I feel I have been unfair towards him, and I would like to further understand who he is and also apologize to him.”

“Apologize?” Asuka replies in confusion, “Rei, you haven’t said anything to him. You have nothing to apologize for.”

“Yeah I know.” I say, “But I have said unpleasant things about him to yourself and I have not giving him a chance. I feel he should know of this and I should apologize.”

“Okay fine. I’ll speak to him tomorrow and get him to phone you. Is that good?”

“Yes, that would be fine. Thank you Asuka. I hope you have a good evening.”

“Yeah, I will. Sleep well Rei.”


	14. Suitable Grounds For The Blues

**1 st October 2021 – Kozou Fuyutsuki**

Many years ago there was a young man who had a dream of changing the world. This young man grew up wanting to leave his mark on the world in some way. Yet, the reality was, as his life went on he found himself unable to achieve such a grand dream. Yet, this desire remained, he turned to teaching in hopes that he might be able to encourage and inspire others to change the world in some way.

As a teacher and as more years went by he found that he was still no closer to achieving this goal. He found himself unable to connect with his students and found he developed a reputation for taking his role too seriously.

The day came when that changed, he met a student, a brilliant student who shone above all the others and struck a chord with him. She would be the instrument that would allow him to make his mark on the world. Her work was brilliant, her theories sound and so he set about encouraging her as best he could. He would allow her access to the best resources and facilities he could.

Over time he realized that it was no longer about wanting to leave his mark on the world, he had fallen in love with her. All of his dreams of changing the world had fallen and been replaced by dreams of being with her. Only this was not to be, for this student’s heart belonged to another.

Time passed and she left to carry on her work elsewhere. She was recruited by an organization that took a large amount of interest in her work. There were rumours regarding the nature of the organization and her connection to them but they did not matter to the man and he went back to his life of teaching.

Shortly afterwards, on September 13th 2000 the world changed. A global cataclysm that was termed the Second Impact tore the world asunder. Over the next couple of years billions lost their lives, war and famine raged and the man would learn of his own minor role in the tragedy.

He would learn that the student that he had fallen and the organization she worked for would be central figures in this event. He would learn that by some cruel twist of fate he had in fact succeeded in his goal of changing the world, only that success tasted bitter as he saw the true costs of that change.

He could not help himself and ended up falling for her again. She convinced him that what she was a part of was for the best. She confided in him her plans for the future. She told him that soon she would have to leave and asked him for one simple favour. She wanted him to watch over the people that mattered most to her, her husband and her son.

I, Kozou Fuyutsuki, am that man and I failed in what I was asked to do. I failed to watch over the people she asked me to. I failed Yui by allowing myself to retreat into the darkness. I allowed myself to fall for your husbands ideas and believe that maybe I could see you one more time but this time we could be together.

I was weak and a coward. I should have stopped him, I should have put a stop to his plans right at the very beginning but I couldn’t bring myself to do so. Opportunity after opportunity would present itself to me but I could not bring myself to take any of them.

Eventually the Third Impact would come just as SEELE and Gendo had wanted it to. The one saving grace is that it was not exactly as they desired it. Power was instead handed over to the boy that you left behind and wanted me to look out for. Your son saved the world and with it granted us another chance, for some of us it was an opportunity to atone for our sins. It is a chance that I have taken, I no longer want to change the world. I want to help people and put things right.

I get up from my desk chair and stretch before heading over to the window. The stars are shining brightly tonight. I wonder that if I went to the observatory tonight I’d be able to see her. She is still out there and we have been keeping track of her as she drifts further and further away from our planet. Scans have indicated some faint energy signatures within her as she moves forward.

Within a few years she will pass through the Termination Shock and into the outer reaches of the Solar System. Yui will reach the same point that only a handful of man-made craft have reached in but a fraction of that time. She will reach interstellar space and then as she drifts further and further away into uncharted territory, she will become what she desired. Eternal proof that humankind existed.

I have to wonder, how lonely is that existence for you Yui? Are you aware of what is happening on Earth right now? Have you been receiving any of our communications? Are you conscious of what is around you or have you passed on?

As for me, I’m trying to finally carry out my promise to you. I cannot watch out for Gendo but I can at least try to do the right thing for Shinji. After all my sins there is little I am able to do via direct contact but I have at least tried to make sure they’re all protected. I’ve tried to make sure they have the opportunity for a future. It is my hope that maybe one day they might forgive me for my acts in the past.

I leave my post by the window and move back to the computer. I see a new e-mail has appeared and it seems to be the one I’ve been waiting on for the last two weeks. I open it and feel the heart sink immediately. I do not know how I’m going to break this news to him. I said to him that everything would be fine, I promised him that he would be free to do as he wishes and yet they have done this.

I don’t know whether to be angry with this or not. Perhaps I should have expected it to happen. They have been looking to make an example of someone for a while. They’ve been looking for someone to blame. Gendo will never return so they can’t have him. SEELE have vanished as well. They want to be seen as punishing someone, if anything just to satiate their own desires but… did it have to be him?

_'Dear Kozou Fuytusuki,_

_I write to you in relation to your recent request regarding the necessary permissions for one, Kaworu Nagisa, to travel to Japan in December of this year._

_Unfortunately given the former status of the Mr. Nagisa and after careful consideration by those involved we have seen fit to deny this request. The council simply feels that allowing a being like Mr. Nagisa to travel to Japan at this time would be too dangerous. It is our opinion that despite the initial reports of his humanity we do not have sufficient evidence that his former self has been completely removed._

_In addition, we also have concerns regarding his motives for visiting Japan. Due to the ongoing situation regarding access to Tokyo-3 we find that it would be irresponsible to allow him any opportunity to travel to such a location. Whilst we have taken on board your reassurances that Mr. Nagisa is not affiliated with the group known as SEELE we do not have the sufficient evidence of this and whilst their location remains unknown we do not want to present an opportunity for him to make a move._

_We extend our apologies to Mr. Nagisa at this time but also want it to be made known that the decision of the council is final. If you would like to discuss more then please arrange an appointment via the usual channels._

_Regards_

_Jacques Laurent'_

I close the e-mail and lower my head before leaning back in the seat. I have been around these sorts of people for many years and I have found that no matter who is present, one truth always remains, they will always be paranoid and looking to place blame at someone regardless of the person’s guilt. They cannot find SEELE or Gendo and so they look at the next best person, the brainwashed victim.

Unfortunately I do not know how I can fight this, I don’t know where I would start but I must try. My only concern is that pushing back against it will make them fall back to their original plans. I was only able to save Nagisa by the skin of my teeth. Originally they wanted him to face a full criminal trial, they wanted to lay everything at his feet.

If I fight this then they will likely see it as an opportunity to go back to those original plans. Knowing them there would be some public angle to this as well. They would want to cover themselves in glory as being the ones to bring one of the major figures in SEELE to justice. The truth of what Nagisa is would go out there but few would believe it.

It is not just about Nagisa’s innocence. He does not need the stress of such a thing in his life. He needs the opportunity to live his life without his past haunting him. He deserves to live freely as a human and take those opportunities that were denied to him. I must save Nagisa from that fate, he has already been through so much.

Unfortunately, I know those fools are both stubborn and uncaring in this situation. Even amidst the mountain of evidence they had they refused to believe the truth of his humanity. Nagisa would face invasive medical examination after invasive medical examination, he would submit blood test after blood test and still continues to do so just to prove he is what he said he is. Yet it is still not good enough for them.

I know this news will break his heart. I dread the idea of telling him but I will have to do so, but I hope he knows that I will fight this.

**1 st October 2021 – Kaworu Nagisa**

_'Confusion will be my epitaph_   
_As I crawl a cracked and broken path_   
_If we make it we can all sit back_   
_And laugh_   
_But I fear tomorrow I'll be crying'_

The final parts of the song come through my headphones as I sit and try to focus on finishing typing up these documents I'm working on. It is proving to be a difficult, typing up minutes from meetings and draft letters is not the most taxing of tasks, therefore it is easy for my thoughts to drift. Normally I would not mind my thoughts drifting, daydreaming can be pleasant but today they are just filled with thoughts of the situation with Shinji.

Asuka has assured me that things will work themselves out. It is not that I don't believe her, I do believe when she says such things, I also believe that she would not say such things to me were she to have any doubts. Yet, I still feel so very uneasy about the situation. I keep on replaying the conversation from yesterday and wondering what I could have said or done differently to avoid such a thing.

I know all too well the folly in this way of thinking though. All I will end up doing it putting myself into an endless cycle of questioning and doubt. The truth is that I am unable to go back and change any of what was said or done. I have to live with it and move forward. I just wish that things are resolved sooner, rather than later.

I dislike this uncertainty of how long it could take and where things stand. I dislike that I am having to rely on others to resolve my mistakes. I know the latter is not exactly true, I am not relying on people to resolve it, we are all here to help one another, it is just my impatience speaking. Still, I feel like I could do more, I have been tempted to try and call him myself but I don't know what good such a thing would do. Knowing me, I would just mess it all up again and make it worse. I just need to be patient.

I lean back in my chair and look around the empty office. It is strange to see Fuyutsuki absent today, he called me earlier this morning to inform me that he has had to take the day off in order to resolve an important and unexpected situation. I've been told to simply type up these documents and then given the rest of the day off.

I could return home but I know Asuka is busy today working on things for her book, so perhaps I should explore the city. It has been quite some time since I have properly had the opportunity to take a walk, or at least it has been a long time since I've taken the opportunity. Ever since the attack I've not dared venture out as much as I used to, a few times but only short trips and any longer trips have been with Asuka. Yes, I think I will walk along the riverside to clear my mind.

I lean forward again and begin to start on the next document, my final one and my phone starts to ring before I can even begin typing. I let out a slight sigh of annoyance, I was hoping to just get through this without any interruptions. Still, it might be Asuka, I glance at the phone and see an unrecognized number. I contemplate ignoring it and getting on with my work but instead I pause my music and answer the phone.

"Hello?"

_"Hello, Is this Nagisa?"_

I frown as the persons voice comes through the speaker. It is a young woman's voice and one that is strangely familiar. It is soft and yet has a directness to it that I am sure I have heard before. I find it curious that she has addressed me by my surname as well.

"Yes, it is, who is this?" I answer her and inquire as to who it might be.

_"This is Rei Ayanami. Shinji's sister, I am not disturbing you, am I?"_

Almost immediately on hearing her speak her name I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up on edge. I feel that cold sweat start to break out and my stomach churns. I contemplate telling her that I am busy at the moment and unable to speak to her. I am at work after all but then if I did that then I'd only be delaying an inevitable conversation with her.

I shake my head, "No... I am... not busy."

_"Good."_

My mouth is so dry, I pick up my coffee cup and sip the some of it. It's turned cold, horribly cold and I immediately put the cup back down with a trembling hand. The last time I saw Rei Ayanami was the day of my death. I remember looking up at her from within the grasp of Unit 01s hand. I remember the glare she gave me, it told me everything I needed to know. I cannot imagine now, that over the course of the last five years her hatred of me will have changed. In fact, I am aware of her dislike of me, it is something Asuka has alluded to.

I can't really blame Rei for having such an attitude towards me. After all I deserve her hatred, after what I did to her brother and her world how could she not? Now I have managed to hurt her brother again, I dread to think of what she has to say to me.

_"I presume you already know why I am contacting you?"_

If I was slightly unsure of the reason before then that did indeed confirm it. I try to answer, my voice slightly weak with my nerves and fear, "It... It is regarding my conversation with Shinji yesterday, isn't it?"

“Yes, it is.” She responds bluntly, “Shinji was quite upset with the events.”

In a way I appreciate her honestly, it is good to know for certain how Shinji felt about what happened. At the same time all I can feel is sadness at knowing that I did manage to upset him.

“I… I am sorry about that, it was not my intention to hurt him.”

 _“You do not need to apologize for what happened.”_  Rei quickly replies,  _“It is my understanding that you too were also upset and it is my belief that neither of you were to blame.”_

“No…” I begin to protest, “It… It was my fault, I was to blame! When he contacted me, I should not have said what I did, I should have asked him to speak to me later.”

 _“But you did say what you did.”_  She replies,  _“And I feel you were not wrong in what you but I feel that in this instance it did not work out as neither of you had hoped. When Shinji contacted you I do not believe he wanted things to work out in this fashion either. I… I am no stranger to things not working out as planned myself.”_

I say nothing in reply but I do feel a half smile come to my lips. I am certain that she is of course referring to what happened between herself and Shinji only a few weeks ago. I remember Asuka telling me that Rei was really upset about what had happened. There is a brief moment of silence between us, and I sense that Rei is taking the time to collect her thoughts.

Finally she speaks once more,  _“I have to ask you, are you truly sincere in wanting to mend your friendship with my brother?”_

“Yes… Very serious.” I answer her, “I would like nothing more than to… speak with him and put things right. I know that… after what I did to him it is a lot to ask. I probably don’t deserve his forgiveness or friendship but I would like a chance to explain things to him at the very least.”

 _“That is good.”_  She responds,  _“I am pleased that this is the case. I… I will help you then, if you are truly sincere then I would like to help you. First though, I feel I must apologize to you. When I first heard of your return and of your friendship with Asuka I had… something of an unkind attitude towards you. I know you are not aware of what I have said but they were unpleasant. I… I feel it would be best to clear this up with you. I… I disliked you, not just because of what you did but because I saw in you the things that I have tried to forget I was.”_

She takes another moment to pause, I saw nothing, merely listening to her in a stunned silence,  _“You and I, we are the same Nagisa. I remember you saying such a thing to me once and you were correct. We were both created for a similar purpose. We were both created from beings of immense power. The difference is that we ended up on opposite sides of the fight. We were set up to be enemies and by all rights we should not be here today. We are both lucky to be alive and lucky that we have the chance to seek forgiveness in others. I do not wish to be your enemy any longer, I do not want to dislike you anymore. Kaworu Nagisa… I would like to be your friend.”_

Rei’s words take me completely by surprise and I open my mouth to reply but no words come out. Instead I feel that lump at the back of my throat forming, I struggle to blink away the tears and compose myself, “T-Thank you…”

I trail off needing a bit more time to get myself together, “T-Thank you Rei, I… I would like to be your friend too. I… I know my actions in the past were hurtful but… I am trying to make up for them.”

 _“I know, it is something we are all trying to do.”_  Rei answers,  _“I wish to know about your past, perhaps it can help to fix this situation. Tell me… who are you Kaworu Nagisa?”_

I shake my head as I start to tell Rei about who I am, “There… There isn’t a lot to tell you. My life was… mostly uneventful. I was… brought to life on the thirteenth of September 2000, the day of Second Impact. Thought I did not gain full consciousness until a few years later, at the age of four.”

 _“I see, so it has recently been your Birthday?”_ Rei asks me curiously,  _“That is strange, Asuka did not mention anything.”_

I shake my head again, “N-No, she wouldn’t have done. I… I didn’t feel it was a day worth celebrating or mentioning.”

“I understand.” Rei says, “So tell me what happened after you gained consciousness. Were you always aware of what you were?”

“No, not at first.” I reply, “That would come much later. For the first six months of my life I was raised by a nanny. She was a kind woman, a brown haired lady with red rimmed glasses. She taught me how to read and how to write. She always told me how clever I was, apparently I picked up things quicker than any other child she had looked after. It was… nice, but then after six months she went ‘away’”

My voice darkens as I say the last part and there is silence again as Rei seems to mull over what I’ve said. I’m fairly sure she could tell from my tone what I was implying by that last part. After a few more seconds Rei replies, her voice is softer this time, “I… I am sorry to hear that, do you know that that is what happened?”

“Do I know that she was killed?” I answer, “No, I don’t, I never found out the truth but I can put the pieces together. SEELE probably felt she had been around for too long and she had been exposed to me for too long so they had her killed… She… She was a good person…”

I pause again to gather my thoughts, of all the things I expected to talk about today my life growing up was not one of them. Nor did I expect to be sharing these stories with Rei Ayanami of all people.

“After… After she vanished I was visited by Kiel for the first time. He didn’t tell me much, only that I was ‘special’” I spit out the words bitterly.

“From there a cycle would start. I would have more nannies and other teachers. They would appear for six months at a time and then they would vanish. Kiel would visit me at points over those years. He would tell me all about the ills of society and about the damage mankind has done to itself and the planet. He would drip feed me more about my role, speak of my grand destiny to help cleanse humanity of all its sins.” My voice starts to shake as I speak, it is a mixture of anger and sorrow, “I bought all of his lies.”

_“I… understand, I was no different in believing what I was told of my destiny by Commander Ikari. We knew nothing else Kaworu.”_

I nod my head, “No… We didn’t. Aside from that my upbringing was unremarkable. It was a structured upbringing, all done as Kiel and SEELE designed it. I had minimal exposure to the outside world. Every book I read, every news article I saw, every bit of pop culture I absorbed was filtered by SEELE first. Even the music I learned to play on the piano was hand-picked by Kiel.”

 _“I see…”_  Rei spaks,  _“So when did you learn fully of what you were and of your mission to go to Tokyo-3?”_

My mouth dries up once more as I try to figure out the right words to say. I do not have any difficulty in remembering it though, that time period is very clear in my head.

“The older I got the more Kiel would speak to me of my destiny and tell me of my important task. I… admit I didn’t fully understand how I could be so special, I didn’t feel special in anyway until one day… I felt a sudden change within myself, it was the day that the Third Angel attacked.”

 _“The call of Lillith…”_  Rei muses.

“Yes! You felt it too right?” I almost stand up as I ask her eagerly, Rei knew of the call of Lillith. Does this mean that she too understand the pain that I felt from it? Did she feel the call too? I know the others did, my so called brethren. Those grotesque monsters that threatened this very planet. I almost ended up like them, I could have taken on the form of some gargantuan nightmare instead of this human body I ended up inhabiting. I suppose that is the one thing I should be thankful to SEELE for, they rescued Tabris and guided it into this body.

 _“Yes.”_ Rei finally answers me, _“I too felt the call.”_

“SEELE… Well Kiel, he explained to me that the pain I was feeling was from Adam. Adam was the father and that my role, as the son, would be to reunite with Adam and bring forth a new dawn for humanity.” I continue to explain to her, as I speak I can again hear the anger and bitterness in my voice, “One by one the other Angels fell… I could feel their screams of pain as they perished. It was… not pleasant but I knew that they had to die. There was only one being worthy of accomplishing the task of uniting with Adam and that was me. After… After five months I was told my day had come, I was to go to Tokyo-3.”

I can feel my heart tightening as I speak those words, I’m starting to feel sick as I recall how I felt on the day I was told I would be going. Unlike now, back then I felt no fear, instead I was excited to be given my tasks and told that my actions would save humanity and lead it to a new future.

_“You would become the Fifth Child, so at that point you knew of your nature as an Angel? Had you piloted an Evangelion at that point?”_

“No, I hadn’t. The Eva Series was in production and SEELE was more than confident in my abilities to not rush anything. Over the course of those five months I had become adept in manifesting and using my A.T. Field. They informed me what the A.T. Field was and of the nature of the Evangelions. When the day approached they told me that the soul within Unit 02 had regressed meaning the creature within it would easily submit to my will.”

I pause again, “They told me a brief version of what the Angels were and where humanity come from. I knew humanity from that moment forward as the Lilin. I was then given my complete mission, first I was to befriend Shinji Ikari. They told me about him and his history, gave me enough to be able to approach him and speak to him, tell him what he would want to hear. I…. I would befriend him and then I would go and unite with Adam… I… I was…”

I have to pause again as the lump in my throat returns. I still have more to tell Rei, about me betraying him, about me finding out I was the one who had been betrayed. All those years believing I was special and had a purpose only to find out my purpose was to die. I feel the tears start to flow and I let out a choked sob, “I… I… I’m so sorry Rei, I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I didn’t… I didn’t want to hurt him… I… I….”

 _“Nagisa…”_ I hear Rei speak my name and it pulls me from my hysteria,  _“I… I am sorry you had to do what you did.”_

I sniff loudly as I wipe away a tear, “I… Thought I was going to help people Rei. It wasn’t until I saw Lillith standing in front of me that I knew… that what I was doing was wrong and then… I had no choice but to die.”

I wipe away another tear, “I know that doesn’t justify any of it. I know I don’t deserve forgiveness but…”

 _“No, you are wrong.”_  Rei interrupts me,  _“You do deserve forgiveness. You deserve the same opportunities that I have been granted. You and I… we are the same. I was created for a singular purpose and I was on the verge of carrying it out. It was only at the last minute that I was stopped and even then… my actions caused a lot of pain and suffering.”_

I listen as she speaks,  _“When I returned I feared that people would know and hate me for what I had done. They did not, instead they accepted me, Shinji… Asuka… Misato they forgave me without question. They never spoke of what I had done and so I buried it. My story is not dissimilar to yours Kaworu, we were both raised in ignorance of the truth and used as tools to be cast aside by others. You… You do deserve forgiveness and I will help you.”_

I smile, “Thank you… Truly Rei… Thank you so much.”

**1 st October 2021 – Asuka Langley Soryu**

I finish taping up the final box, when I'm certain it's properly sealed I pick up up and stack it with the numerous other boxes filled with copies of my book. As I set it down I look at my wrist hoping that the cramp will go away soon. This activity isn't something I feel like doing again any time soon.

Unfortunately, in a few weeks it is something I will be doing as I've already agreed to sign double the amount of copies of the second book.

I'm still not entirely sure of my decision to do this. I wanted to remain completely anonymous, to not take part in any activities like book signings or media appearances. The only reason I agreed to it this time was due to it being for a good cause.

I must admit though, I am quite excited for the release of the second book. Rei was even able to persuade me to have a little celebration to mark the release of it when I go to Japan. Of course, the release date also coincides with my birthday. I've requested it to be a small affair, nothing big, just me and the few people who know it is me writing them. I don't want any balloons or fuss made. A cake would be nice but no more than that.

It does limit the number of people who would be there but I'd rather it be that way. It's more people than I deserve to celebrate anything to do with me. There is a problem that needs sorting out first though. The issue between Shinji and Kaworu and there won't be any celebration unless we can sort that out.

I shouldn't worry about that, we will sort out that problem. Despite my fears about what will happen I do want to make sure they can be friends again. I need to ignore those fears I have about the two of them, I know the feelings are there but I also have feelings for Shinji as well but I'm not going to betray or leave Kaworu over them. I don't think he'd do anything either and I damn sure know Shinji won't try anything.

I know my dreams have indicated otherwise but they are just dreams and to be honest I've never really been one for having good dreams. Most of my childhood was filled with nightmares and the years that followed haven't brought much warmth in dreams either. Yet, dreams are just dreams, they aren't reality and I should focus on that.

I move back towards the table where a sole copy of my book sits. I open it to the first page and grab the pen I've been using to sign the others. This is a special copy of the book, not one to go to charity but instead one I'll be sending to Shinji. I put the dedication at the top and then sign it underneath, for this one I don't use the signature I made up for Mari Makinami, I use my own real signature.

_'To Shinji,_

_Sorry it took so long.'_

I slide the book into a padded envelope with his address written out on the top. I'll have to go and post that later, after the courier comes to pick up all of these boxes. That gives me a few hours to spend doing something productive. I look towards the open door into Kaworu's spare room and see more stacked boxes, these ones containing things I've brought over from my apartment. I could be productive and sort some of them out.

Or I could play video games all day. It's a tough decision.

I walk to and pick up the controller but as I do so I hear the buzzer to the door go. I look across in confusion, the courier wasn't due to arrive until later this afternoon and Kaworu is still at work. Neither of us are expecting any packages and it's not like Kaworu gets any visitors. I pick up the receiver, "Hello?"

"Miss Soryu? Is Nagisa with you at the moment?"

I stifle a groan as I look at the receiver in annoyance, the voice belongs to that of Kozou Fuyutsuki. Why he is here I don't know. Also, I'm not sure why he is asking if Kaworu is here with me either. Surely, he'd know Kaworu is at work, unless... No, that can't be it, nothing could have happened to kaworu, otherwise he would know about it.

"No, he isn't here with me." I reply, trying to keep calm, "Did he not show up to work?"

_"He did, but I told him he could take the rest of the day off when he finished his work. I was hoping I could get here before he came home. May I come inside, it's quite important."_

I breathe a sigh of relief, nothing has happened to Kaworu, that is good but now I have more questions. Why was he given the rest of the day off and why is Fuyutsuki here now? I generally have little, if any, desire to speak to Fuyutsuki. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to him for helping me when I left Japan and in sorting out compensation for me and the others.

At the same time, I figure it's the least he could do for all we were put through as a result of the actions of him and the others. I would be very easy for me to just dismiss him but I should hear him out. If he says it is important then I can't ignore that.

"Fine, come on through." I finally say.

I reattach the phone and buzz Fuyutsuki through into the apartment. A few moments later he is at the door and I let him through. He stops a few steps into the room and looks down curiously at the number of boxes stacked nearby.

"Signed books." I begin to explain, "I was 'persuaded' to sign a few hundred copies for charity."

"I see." Fuyutsuko nods his head, "That is most gracious of you, I am sure that it will be appreciated. I must admit, I am surprised, I thought you didn't want any part of something like that."

I shrug, "I don't and I'm still signing the books as Mari Makinami not as myself. I just figure I should do something to help out."

 “Understandable, well regardless it is a good gesture.” He moves further into the room as he speaks, “I am also pleased to hear that you are back in contact with Ikari.”

“I presume Kaworu told you?” I ask him, I’m not completely surprised that he knows. If it wasn’t Kaworu that told him then I presume one of his people tracking us told him. I look as he nods and then continue to speak, “I just figured it was time to mend that bridge. I assume you’re not here to talk to me about Shinji though?”

Fuyutsuki shakes his head, “No… I’m not. It is actually regarding Nagisa.”

His tone turns more serious and that little bit of apprehension I was feeling earlier returns. I already don’t like the way this is going and I haven’t heard anything yet.

“Nagisa came to me not so long ago to speak about going to this concert in December. You see, Nagisa has to gain permission to travel outside of Germany.”

I nod, “I’m aware, when we brought up the subject he did say that he would have to speak to you about it. I’m sure he gave you more than enough notice for you to give him the time off of work though.”

“It isn’t about me giving him the time off of work.” Fuyutsuki replies, “I am more than happy to grant Nagisa time off whenever he requests it.”

“Okay, so what is the problem?” I ask him, still not liking the direction the conversation is taking.

“The people Nagisa has to get permission from is the UN Security Council. In truth I thought asking them would be a mere formality at this point. It has been several months since his return but…”

Fuyutsuki trails off as I lean onto the couch and feel my nails dig into the soft leather. I have a strange feeling that the good mood I was previously in is about to be ruined. I take a deep breath to calm myself and try to remind myself that getting angry and yelling will achieve nothing. I need to remain clam.

“…well since he has returned you must have seen it. The tests he’s had to do and information he has handed over. I thought enough time had passed and enough had been done to prove his humanity and for them to see he was no longer a threat.” Fuyutsuki explains to me, I can hear the anger in his voice. It’s not dissimilar to the time he told me and Shinji off during our first mission together, “Those fools sent me an e-mail last night, denying his request to travel to Japan.”

“THEY HAVE DONE WHAT?” I yell loudly, I hear my voice echo throughout the apartment. So much for remaining calm and not yelling. I take a moment before I say anything else to try to put together something coherent. I speak again, not yelling this time but it is hard to hide the angry snarl in my voice, “How the hell could they do that? What more could he have possibly done to prove himself to them? He has complied with every single one of their requests and let’s not forget this, it was THEIR people who attacked him weeks ago!”

Fuyutsuki does not disagree, “I know all of this and believe me I am thinking the exact same thing. You are not alone in your anger which is why I have come to you right now. I want you to know I am planning to fight this decision and will do everything I can. Yet I fear I cannot do this alone, I might need your help.”

“My help?”

He nods and looks up at me, “I know you wished to have nothing to do with those people. I cannot blame you and I know you did not wish to have anything to do with me either but…”

“I’ll do it!” I interrupt him immediately. I don’t even take a second to think about it, “If it will help him then I’ll do it. If I need to go before them and speak my bit and fight for him then… I’ll do it.”

“Are you sure?” Fuyutsuki asks me, “They might ask you questions about your past, about your time fighting the Angels. It might conjure up unpleasant memories. Are you sure you want to put yourself through that?”

No, I don’t want to remember any of that but… I love Kaworu and I want to fight for him. So if it means reliving some of that to get them to recognize his humanity and let him travel freely then I’ll do it. I nod at Fuyutsuki, “Yes… In fact… I’ll go one better.”

As I speak those words a plan starts to form in my mind. I’ve always been good at coming up with workable plans on the spot. Look at my amazing tactics against the ninth Angel! Unfortunately at the moment I just have the idea and don’t know how I’m going to do this yet. Still, I lived with Misato for nearly a year so it wouldn’t be the craziest thing I’ve been a part of. I mean hell, I’m Asuka Langley Soryu, I don’t do failure.

“I’ll get Shinji involved as well! I’ll get him to help with this, if we both defend Kaworu then they can’t say no can they? I mean we’re two former pilots! Add to which them denying the two of us won’t look great for them, considering we’ve let them off fairly easy!” I say with a grin.

Fuyutsuki actually looked quite surprised at what I’ve said, “Would Ikari agree to such a thing? He has always seemed reluctant to have anything to do with the UN when they have asked before, nor has he really expressed a desire to speak with myself.”

“Don’t worry about it, you do what you need to do and I’ll sort out things with Shinji.” I reassure him, “I’ll handle telling Kaworu when he gets in as well.”

“I see.” Fuyutsuki rises from the seat, “In which case I will take my leave and get in touch with the necessary people to appeal against this. Once again… I am sorry about how this worked out. It was my hope that Nagisa could live a normal life away from these sorts of politics but… it was not to be.”

“I am sure he will understand.” Again, I reassure him, “You just speak to whoever you need to and let me know what I need to do. I’ll do what I need to here.”


	15. Keep Talking

**1 st October 2021 – Kaworu Nagisa**

I approach the front door to the apartment feeling quite different to how I did when I left to go to work this morning. This morning I felt like there was something of a dark cloud hovering over me, I felt regret at the situation with Shinji. I was finding it hard to convince myself that things would work out. I did believe Asuka when she told me that she would work on fixing the situation but I also did not want to rely completely on her.

After the conversation with Rei my outlook changed. I felt as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I took some time afterwards to go and walk along the riverside as I said I would and contemplated the situation more. If Rei is able to forgive me despite her admitted hatred of myself then perhaps there is a chance for the situation to be fixed.

I unlock the door and step through, announcing my return as I kick off my shoes, "I'm home!"

I step through the small corridor into the main living space and see it emptier than it was when I left this morning. The stack of boxes containing all of Asuka's signed books have now gone and Asuka herself is not in the room. A few moments later I hear a muffled shout from our bedroom, "Welcome home!"

I take a few steps towards the bedroom door and open it to see her kneeling down and stuffing a few items of clothing into one of the drawers. She looks up at me and smiles, I can see the sweat trickling down her forehead, "Give me a minute or two, I'm just finishing up sorting those boxes I brought over."

I nod and smile back at her, "Okay then."

I close the door behind me and the smile does not leave my lips. So Asuka has started to unpack her things and put them into the wardrobes and drawers. I was wondering if such a thing was going to happen. She has been starting here with me for a few weeks now, only returning to her apartment to bring more items over if necessary. As those weeks have gone on more and more of her possessions have been put out here.

What was once a spacious and barren flat, occupied by an alien and consisting of a single book case with a television, basic furniture and a piano has now been expanded. We've added a couple more bookcases, an array of games consoles and even a small fake plant. It not feels less like an alien lives here and more like it's inhabited by a person. I suppose that is true, when I arrived her many months ago I did not know how to be human, I was an alien and as time has gone on I have become more human.

My ongoing transformation is not something I have accomplished alone. I have others to thank for it, Fuyutsuki for giving me the opportunity, Kodama for starting me on the journey and of course the person who will be living with me and the one I love, Asuka. It is weird to think that she is living with me. It was not something we have ever discussed, it is just something that seems to have happened organically. I'm not sure why it happened in this way, I would have been more than happy to move to hers and it might have been easier, it's not like I had a lot of possessions. Yet she decided to move here.

I don't mind either way though. To know that I will be waking up every day to see her fills my heart with such joy. To know that I will continue to share meals with her, continue to play games, listen to music and watch movies, plan trips out makes me so very happy.

I sit myself down and wait for Asuka to come back into the room. A few moments later she does and I get another smile from her. Unfortunately, the smile fades fairly quickly and she lets out a sigh. I feel myself frown as I stand up to hug her, "Asuka, are you alright? Is everything okay?"

She nods at me, "It will be but..."

She moves away from me and makes her way towards the window and looks out of it for a moment. I wonder what could be wrong and a number of scenarios fly through my mind. I try to ignore them for the moment.

"...There is something I need to speak to you about. I wasn't sure when the best time to say it would be but I guess I should get it out of the way. I was visited by Fuyutsuki easier today."

I let out a sigh of relief as she says that. It is fortunately none of the scenarios that went through my mind. I am still concerned though, why would Fuyutsuki have visited her today?

"Fuyutsuki was here?" I ask.

She nods again, "Yes, he was here about your application to visit Japan in December."

"Ah... I see." I feel myself smile dryly and I can already guess from the look on her face what has happened. I suppose this explains why he wasn't at work today and why he said I should take the afternoon off. I go ahead and ask her to confirm it, "My application has been denied hasn't it?"

"I'm sorry..." Asuka lowers her head.

"Don't be..." I reply and shake my head. I find that for some reason I am still smiling, I’m not quite sure why. I’m not especially happy by the decision, I’m disappointed, I’m even a little bit angry by their decision. Yet, I also expected it in some way. I have known from the start that they haven’t trusted me so this decision doesn’t surprise me.

“I’m going to fight it though.” Asuka says, her voice quiet yet containing a fierce confidence, “I already told Fuyutsuki. I’ll do whatever I can.”

“Thank you.” I nod, “I appreciate that.”

She looks up at me, “It isn’t fair that you should have to be restricted because they refuse to see the truth.”

I nod, “I know, I understand their fear… Humans are… fearful creatures, I have become well acquainted with the emotion myself since I have returned. I know how it can twist your logic, make you see things that aren’t there but… I have also seen that it is something that people can overcome. I know you will make them see the reality of what I am.”

“Damn right I will.” She replies and smiles across at me, “It won’t just be me as well, Shinji will speak to them as well.”

“Shinji?” I look at her in confusion, “He agreed to do that?”

“Not quite…” Asuka looks away sheepishly, “I… Might have told Fuyutsuki he would, I figured if we had two pilots speaking for you then they couldn’t ignore us right? I mean… I know I could do it myself without any problems but I don’t want to take any risks.”

“Ah… I see…” I lower my eyes, “So he…”

“Look…” She cuts me off, “Just… don’t worry about it, I know we have a lot to sort out but… just don’t worry about it. If I didn’t think I could sort it out then I wouldn’t have said it. Just leave it to me.”

**2 nd October 2021 – Shinji Ikari**

It is a fairly warm day and I'm currently sat on my own in a small café near to the space we're using to rehearse in. We've just finished another practice session and I'm relaxing here with a warm cup of tea and my cello and backpack sat at my feet.

I look around and see it's fairly busy for this time of the day, I suppose people are wanting to enjoy the little glimpses of warmer weather before it moves fully into Autumn. It is a variety of people out from businessmen and women on a break from work, students or the general population just out and about. Some of them are with a friend, some in groups or just on their own, not a single one of them looks at me as they go about their business, not a single one glances at me or notices me. No one here knows who I am.

I... I do not feel afraid of these people as I sit here and sip my tea. I feel calm and safe here just as I always should have done. These people don't know who I am, they have never known who I am but for several years I've lived with that fear that someone or all of them will know. I've lived myself thinking that one day the world will wake up and know who Shinji Ikari was and all know of what it was he had done.

This is not the first time I have noticed the freeing of myself from that fear. It's been happening more and more recently. As I've been going to and from rehearsals, as I've been spending more time talking to others I find I'm no longer as afraid as I used to me. I'm finding I no longer have that reliance on needing a friend with me when I go out. I am... I'm fine.

Although, I do know that this feeling may only be temporary and I need to ready myself for that. I need to know how to fight it, I know that there will be moments where I feel that fear again. It might happen when I'm in a store and I suddenly see someone out of the corner of my eye, it might happen when I'm on a crowded street or waiting for a bus of the train. I might feel that anxiety come back to me but I am trying, and I am getting better at fighting it.

As I slowly start to combat one worry it is replaced by another. A more understandable one perhaps, the upcoming concert is making me nervous. Rehearsals so far are going well; all of the group get along fine and we are managing to progress with learning the songs and arrangements without much difficulty. There are times when one or a couple of us might make a mistake but we will get it under control.

I know on my end there are a few tricky sections to watch out for in some of the songs but I am practicing a lot at home so should be able to get it right. I even have something of an audience, Rei will sit and listen to me play and compare it to the original and she is even recording my playing to send to Asuka. It's not exactly the live audience of a couple of a thousand or so we're expecting when we put on the show but it is something.

I am worried about performing in front of an audience though. I've never done something like that before. Back when I started playing my teacher did try to get me to play for the class but I never wanted to. It was probably the only thing I refused to do, I was quite content to just practice on my own.

I guess I was worried about what would happen to me if I did though. I never really had friends when I went to that school, I was always seen as a bit of a weird kid because of my family history. People spoke about me behind my back in whispers. There were rumours about my father and what sort of person I was.

I guess it's no surprise I have issues with being fearful of people now. Even without what had happened five years ago it would probably still have been a problem.

So, I was worried that me doing such a thing, playing a cello, not exactly a fashionable activity would lead to me being bullied, more so than I was. Things will be different in November though, I'm not performing in front of a class of school children. I'm on stage in a theater, with a group and performing to an audience who wants to be there, who paid to be there.

Amongst those people will be people I know too, people who have given so much love and support over the last few years. My family, Misato and Rei. Although I might not be blood related to Misato she has been more of a parent to me than anyone else I've been put in the care of over the course of my life.

Rei, my sister, who has struggled over the last five years to find out who she truly is but has always been there for me.

My close friends, Touji, Kensuke and Hikari will be there. They were the first proper friends I had in my life. It was rough to start off with but they have all helped me so much and been there for me.

Finally, two more people will be there, people I haven't seen for a long time. Both of which I didn't expect to ever see again. Asuka... The girl I fell in love with many years ago, we had a... complicated friendship when she was here. I couldn't understand her and I don't think she could understand me. We both hurt each other and when she left five years ago I never thought I'd see her again.

Kaworu is the other person I never expected to see again. Kaworu died, people don't normally come back after death... well except for Asuka, Misato and Ritsuko but that was different, they were killed just on the cusp of Third Impact. Kaworu wasn't, he was killed days before so surely, he wouldn't have been caught up in it, right?

I guess it's too much for me to understand, maybe someone smarter like Ritsuko would make sense of it but does it matter about why? The fact is that he has returned and I will be seeing him again in December. I need to prepare for that, I just hope that things are... better between us by that time.

I do feel bad about upsetting him the other day. I... never wanted to upset anyone, I hate the idea that I could have been responsible for hurting someone. I hate being hurt myself so the idea of me doing that to someone else upsets me. Most of the time if I'm upset with someone or annoyed with something I'll just not say anything, I'll keep it bottled up.

I have argued and disagreed with people in the past. I've had arguments with Rei, Misato and when she was here Asuka but I hated it. I always felt awful afterwards and I was also the first to apologize even if I wasn't at fault.

This is how I feel about the situation with Kaworu. I feel awful for upsetting him and being angry at him even though I know I am justified in being upset and angry at him. Everyone understands why I'm that way, even Asuka understands that and she is his friend. When Kaworu spoke to me even he understood that.

What he did to me all those years ago hurt me, in fact it went beyond hurting me. His actions, whether he meant it or not pushed me to a point lower than I had ever been before. I realize now that it was not just his betrayal and then revealing himself to be an Angel that hurt me, it was the fact that he made me kill him. Kaworu... knowing what it was like to pilot an Eva asked me to kill him, after already hurting me he made me do that.

I felt every part of it as well. I could feel his body within the grasp of Unit 01s hand as if it was within my own hand. I could feel it as his body was crushed leaving barely a trace of it to clean away from the hand of that damn Evangelion. I don't think that he, no I don't think that anyone could ever understand how that felt. No one should ever have to understand it.

I have thought about those moments so many times. I have had nightmares about it and since I was told of his return I've had more. A part of me always wanted to be forgiven for having to kill him and another part of me always felt that it should have been me rather than him. I even felt like I should have been punished for killing another human, despite him not actually being human.

Kaworu returning was something I never prepared myself for. It was not something I ever imagined unlike the idea of Asuka making contact again. To me the idea of Kaworu returning would have been similar to the idea of seeing my father again, it just wasn't something that was going to happen. So, I don't really know how to handle it.

I guess, now that I've had time to think about it I know that I want to hear him out properly. I want to try to forgive him if I can. I don't want to hate someone, I don't want to go my life being angry at someone and I know... there is more to his story than I know. I just... I wasn't ready to hear it when I call him. When I heard his voice, when I heard him try to explain I got scared, I just couldn't handle it. So, I did what I do best, I ran away.

I know that I should speak to Asuka about it all properly too. I've been avoiding doing that since it happened though. I'm worreid that Asuka is going to be mad at me, I'd understand it if she was. After all, I did upset her friend, if someone had upset someone like Rei then I'd be mad at them too. In fact, I was, I upset Rei the other week and spent a good amount of time being angry at myself.

I pick up my phone and scroll to Asuka's contact page. I hesitate as my thumb hovers over the call button. In the back of my mind I can already hear that voice telling me this is pointless, that she is probably angry at me and doesn’t want to hear from me.

I hate that voice so much. My thumb makes contact with the screen and I wait for her to answer. It rings a couple of times and then she answers,  _"Hello, Shinji?"_

"H-Hey Asuka, are you okay?"

_"Yeah, pretty good. I was going to call you later on today actually!"_

She doesn't sound mad at me when she speaks, I allow myself a little sigh of relief.

"Oh!" I reply to her, "I just... I know Rei already spoke to you but I thought I should apologize for upsetting Kaworu the other day."

 _"Really?"_ I can hear the confusion in her voice. I guess she probably doesn't think I have anything to apologize for.

I nod my head, "Y-Yeah... I... I shouldn't have contacted him immediately after you suggested it. I... I wasn't ready so... I'm sorry."

 _"You're right... you shouldn't have done..."_  Asuka lets out a sigh,  _"But I guess I can't blame you for being impulsive we all have our moments."_

"I know but... I should have known better." I offer in reply before following up, "Also... I spoke to my teacher, I was able to get tickets put aside so if he wants to be here in December then... I'm happy to have him here."

There is a bit of a lengthy pause and I start to wonder if maybe the call has been dropped, I hear a small amount of shuffling from the other side indicating she is still there though, "Asuka?"

 _"I see..."_  She finally speaks,  _"That's good but... there has been a... problem."_

Her voice has gone quiet and little familiar worries come rushing back to me. Has something happened to her? Does she not want to come anymore? Did something happen between herself and Kaworu? She sounded happy a moment ago and then I mentioned Kaworu and all of a sudden that was lost. Did he hurt her in some way?

I don't get a chance to ask anything myself. Asuka speaks again, only this time there is anger in her voice,  _"Kaworu has been told he can't go to Japan."_

I wait for a follow up to her words, for her to reveal maybe this was some weird joke that I just haven't understood. The anger in her voice tells me that this is no joke and no follow up actually comes. Instead I sit in silence trying to fully grasp the meaning of what she has said.

"What do you mean?" I finally ask.

 _"Exactly what I said!"_  She replies instantly, the anger in her voice replaced by annoyance,  _"Kaworu has been told he can't go to Japan!"_

"I know that but... why?" I ask her. I still don't really understand, why would Kaworu be unable to come to Japan. Who would stop him from coming over? This doesn't make sense.

I hear Asuka let out a sigh,  _"They, the UN Security Council have decided they don't trust him. Actually, they have never done, they don't believe he is fully human yet and think he is still up to something. So, they've said no. I was going to call you and tell you later."_

"So... Does that mean Kaworu won't be coming?" I ask her.

She replies instantly,  _"No, Kaworu WILL be coming!"_

"but you just said..."

She interrupts me,  _"I know what I said, but what I said has happened and what is going to happen are different things. Kaworu will be coming to Japan in December. You said you wanted him there, right?"_

"What do you mean?" I can already hear her annoyance as soon as the words leave my lips.

_"Do you want Kaworu to be there in December? Do you actually want to see him again? Do you feel comfortable with the idea of having him there? After the other day I need to know, otherwise there is no point..."_

I take a moment to think about it. I've already said to her I want him there, I've already put aside a ticket but I actually think about it properly. Do I genuinely want him there? Would I be better off not seeing him? I feel like I should discuss this with Rei or Misato first but it also seems like I don't have that luxury. I have to go with what I said before, yes, I do want him there.

_"Shinji?"_

Asuka's impatient prompting brings me back to reality, I feel myself nod again, "I... Yes, I would."

"Yeah I..." I pause for a moment, even if I didn't want him here it wouldn't be right for me to say no. He has the right to come here, doesn't he?

"I know it didn't go well the other day but... I trust what you've told me. If you say he is worth listening to and you're his friend then... I can't say no. It'd be unfair."

 _"Good, that makes the next part a little bit easier then."_  Asuka pauses and I get a strange feeling of dread,  _"I told him and Fuyutsuki that me and you would get the security council to see sense and let him travel."_

"Oh, okay then." I smile, that sounds reasonable and I start to lift my tea to my lips to take another sip. The rim of the cup reaches my lips and then I realize exactly what it is Asuka has just said. I slowly set the cup down with a horrified look on my face, "Wait... WHAT?"

_"I said the Security Council would be made to see sense!"_

"No, before that!"

 _"I was just making sure you wanted him over here."_ She expertly avoids the part I mean.

"Not that part, between you asking me and saying that they'd see sense, you said... me and... you?"

"Oh... Yeah I... Told Kaworu and Fuyutsuki that me and you would get them to see sense..."

She actually sounds sheepish when she says it, I on the other hand feel fear, "Me... and you?"

 _"Yes! I mean... I could of course do it all by myself, I am more than capable."_ She boasts to me,  _"But... I figured I didn't want there to be any risks, they might still refuse to hear me out. You know what old men can be like. I figured having two pilots there would be better than one and ensure they can't refuse."_

"I-I see..." Her words make sense but do little to make me feel any less scared.

_"It's not even like you'd have to do much, just follow my lead and it'll be fine. You know, just like you did when we beat the Ninth Angel, just there will be less acid I suppose."_

I have nothing to offer in reply to that, I can feel my heart pounding rapidly in my chest with each word. What she is saying does make sense but... I can't do something like that. Even if I did follow her lead I'd probably still mess it up. This isn't like piloting an Eva, this is... so different. I mean, I messed up speaking to Kaworu so how can I possibly do this?

"I... I don't know if I can Asuka..." I admit to her and lower my head in shame. I'm being truthful though, I really don't know if I could do something like this.

I expect her to reply immediately and angrily, I expect to hear her shout at me and tell me to be a man. I'm being unfair on her but I can hear her old voice from years ago, asking me if I'm stupid or what kind of man I am. She doesn't do any of that though, I hear that shuffling sound on the phone again and I speak again, "I'm sorry Asuka but..."

I'm cut off, "Please... Shinji I... I can't do this alone."

Her reply surprises me and she continues,  _"I... I'm frightened I'll mess it up. I... Me and you... When we worked together, when we fought together there was nothing that could stop us. It'll... It'll be the same this time... I... I need you."_

My mouth goes dry and the rapid beating of my heart continues, "But... I wouldn’t know what to do or say. I don't really know who Kaworu is, how could I help?"

 _"How should I know? You think I have any idea of what to do or say either?"_ She asks me,  _"I don't know Shinji, I don't know what to do but I'm not going to let them do this. We just have to show he can be trusted right? We need them to see he is human and that we want him to be there. Think about who we are, we were hurt the most by what happened, so if we can say he can be trusted then... they'll have to take notice, won't they?"_

"I... I guess... Do you really think I can help?"

 _"I know you can."_  She answers me,  _"Shinji you... You know who I am, you know how much I hate asking for help but... I need your help, please... I can't do this alone."_

A part of me is still pulling to say no, to turn it down. I'm scared that I'll mess this up somehow but if she needs my help then how can I really say no?

"Okay I... I'll do what I can."

_"Thank you."_

**Rei Ayanami**

I feel a deep sense of unease as I step through the security checkpoint and look towards a waiting Misato. I do not yet know why she has asked me to come to this place. All she has told me is that there are some things here for me to see. There has been no indication of what these things might be as of yet.

I have tried to figure out just what it might be that is here but on the journey to this place I was unable to do so. I cannot imagine where might be left here for me in this city that I once called my home, in this city that was once my prison.

By all rights there should not be anything left of myself here. My apartment and meagre belongings were destroyed. The laboratories within NERV that I was created and raised in were also surely destroyed too. As far as I can see there is nothing left for me here, so why am I here? What could they possibly have found that has any relevance to me?

As I walk towards Misato I look around my environment. We currently sit on the outskirts of what was once Tokyo-3. The land here is tinged with a burnt red and the scenes before me show nothing but abandoned and half destroyed buildings. Most curious of all is that nature does not seem to have dared to reclaim any of this land, perhaps it is allowing the city to remain as a permanent scar upon the Earth, serving as a reminder to humanity of the mistakes it once made.

Truthfully, I am surprised that anything is left at all of this place. That which the JSSDF did not destroy when they attacked us must surely have been destroyed when I completed the forbidden union of Lilith and Adam within myself. Third Impact saw the Black Moon rise up, there should not be anything here. Still I would not dare to try and understand the strange sciences and logic at play on that day. Perhaps I should not focus on how or why this is, and just accept that it Is the way it is.

With each step I get a strange feeling within myself, as if there is something or someone watching over me. It is a familiar feeling but one I have not felt in many years. I try to ignore it, it is surely just my mind playing tricks on me as a result of my presence in this place.

Misato nods at me and we move towards a large 4x4 and get inside. The driver greets Misato and she tells him that we are ready to get moving. I put my seatbelt on just as the vehicle starts to pull away, ahead of us is another 4x4 and a there is a third one behind us. I look from the window to Misato, "Why am I here?"

As I ask her I see us pass a still standing building housing a familiar sight. It is a small café, I came here once with Shinji and Asuka. I had green tea and tried Black Forest gateaux for the first time. I believe I also had pocky for the first time on that day. That was day was a warm day but overcast with grey clouds, my memories of it are nice and it brings me sadness to see the state of the café now.

Misato speaks as our journey continues, "We found something when we were exploring NERV, a few things actually."

"And these things concern me?" I ask.

She nods, "Most of it, yes. The other thing... It'd be best to see if for yourself, I... I don't know if you will understand it but at the moment you're one of the only ones who could. I can't really say more until we arrive there unfortunately."

Her words pique my curiosity and I begin to wonder what could be down there. Nothing is coming to mind, as it was I had very few possessions. I am even more curious to learn about what this other thing is. It is somewhat frustrating that Misato cannot tell me now, but I understand the many layers of security in place.

I wonder what could be left of the NERV building, if these things concern me then I assume they were found in my old rooms amidst the lower levels. This means the laboratories that I was born in and visited frequently for checkups and testing, it means the Dummy Plug facility that was also home to the spare bodies of mine, it means the room that acted as a perfect mirror of my own apartment.

I am fearful of seeing any of those things again, unlike the memories of the café the ones I have of those places are not pleasant. The memories of needles and sickness, of lies and secrets, the memories of the tests and being made to stand naked in large tanks whilst I was poked and prodded. Worst of all are the memories of him, the father who abandoned his son, and the father who created a daughter from the ashes of his wife only to use it as a tool for his own gain. I do not wish to be here.

I suddenly feel a warm hand on top of mine, it squeezes it gently and I turn to see Misato smiling at me, "I'm sorry to bring you back to this place Rei, I know it is probably the last place you would want to be right now."

"That is true." I admit to her, "But... I know what you are doing is important and if I can aid in that I will do so. I would not want to put a barrier in your way."

Our journey continues in silence for a couple more minutes and Misato speaks to me again, "How does it feel for you, to be back here?"

"It makes me feel uneasy." I answer as I once again feel that strange sensation of someone watching me, "I did not expect there to be anything left of the city or NERV itself. Nor did I think I would ever return here, it makes me feel... uneasy."

She nods, "I know what you mean, we saw this whole thing be destroyed, it isn't... natural for it to be like this."

There is a pause before she speaks again, "To tell you the truth, I didn't ever want to come back here either. When we first started looking into this I had hoped there would be nothing left but a hole in the ground. I didn't want to come back."

Her words confuse me, as far as I was aware she had to go to a lot of effort to get the opportunity to come back here. Surely, she must have wanted to do so, "Then why did you come back?"

She shrugs, "It's something I've been asking myself for a while. I could have left it alone and not gotten involved but... I couldn't."

"Why not?"

"Fear, I was scared that if they found something here then they wouldn't do the right thing with it, that it could lead to something bad happening. At least with me here I can try to make sure that doesn't happen... I can protect people."

"I see."

She lets out a sigh, "I guess... A part of me also got caught up believing that there might have been something here that could help the world."

"It is understandable, do you no longer believe that?"

She shakes her head, "No, I don’t. I'm starting to agree with Ritsuko, I think anything we do find should be destroyed. Humanity can go on without the things that NERV created."

I contemplate her words as the car continues its journey through the city. I have noticed that we are now travelling downwards into the main Geofront itself, we move through a series of tunnels and I can see the vast underground space before me. There is a wide hole above where the centre of the city once stood, allowing sunlight to pour into the chamber.

From this point I can see the lake, now much wider than it used to be after the large number of battles that took place in and around it. Other relics of battle litter the landscape, fallen farmhouses and torn up fields. At the edge of the lake is the gigantic form of the NERV pyramid. My stomach twists into a knot as I lay my eyes on it for the first time in years.

“It is… intact, such a thing is impossible.”

I turn to Misato to see her nod, “I know… We all thought the same thing.”

As we creep closer the various things I was feeling intensify, the unease, the fear and the feeling of something watching. I wish I could leave but I cannot, I have to see this through now. Thankfully we soon arrive at the security checkpoint, we are moved through it.

Much like the parts of the city that remain intact I do not understand how this building is here. I saw the roof of it get torn off during Third Impact. The insides of it were blown apart and damaged by whatever the JSSDF did to it. How can it be that it is still standing as if nothing had been done at all? Was this perhaps Shinji’s doing when he decided to allow us to return? Was it my doing when I became that being?

We step inside the building, armed guards flanking us further adding to my feelings of unease. Misato recognizing this places a calming hand on my back and motions for the guards to adjust their distance to us. As we start to move through the corridors I feel some slight relief to see the interiors are still in some disrepair.

Finally we come to one of the elevators, we step inside and I watch as Misato selects one of the lower floors. It was as I suspected, we are going down to those rooms.

“You know where we are going don’t you?” She asks me, a look of concern on her face.

I nod my head, “Yes.”

“Are you scared?”

“Yes.” I answer.

Misato moves close and puts an arm around me pulling me into a hug, “I understand.”

A few moments later the elevator comes to a stop and the door slides open slowly. I take a deep breath as I follow Misato and the guards out into the corridor. The feelings I have had since I arrived in the city are more intense now, as I take those tentative steps forward I hear a voice in my head, almost mocking me.

_‘Welcome home’_

I try to focus on what might be waiting for me in this building. We seem to be going towards my former quarters but I do not know what could be there that would concern me. In addition I do not know what this thing is that Misato and the others cannot figure out. Any knowledge I had concerning NERV has already been shared with Misato and others, I do not know what possible help I could be.

We finally reach the door to what was the room made to mirror my home. Misato says something to the man guarding it and shows him her security pass. I show him mine and he lets the two of us into the room. I cross the threshold into the room itself, feeling sick as I do so. I take a quick look around, this place is exactly as I remember it. Every single detail from the look, the temperature and even the smell is as I remember.

I take a moment to silently wander around. In the back corner I can see the bed, the set of drawers with tablets and a jug of water placed on top, the dirty clothing and screen surrounding it. I feel embarrassed to think that I once lived like that. To think that I allowed myself to live in such conditions and not care. I did what was functional, I showered because I was instructed to, I cleaned clothes because I was instructed to, and I wore clothes because I was instructed to. Those things, they never mattered to me, I was not human. I was something that had been programmed.

In other parts of the room are worktops and carts with powered down computers and other medical equipment. I ignore them and wander over to the bed. To my surprise I see a number of things laid out on top of the bed, things I recognize but had forgotten about.

“Is this what you wanted me to see?” I turn to look at Misato as I ask her the question.

Misato nods, “Part of it, the other thing is out of this room but… I wanted you to see this first.”

My hands are trembling as I look and pick up the first items on the bed. A small stack of A4 drawings that I had done over the years. To the right of them is a pink stuffed bear. I feel tears well up in my eyes as I look at the first drawing in the pile.

“You did these, right?” Misato asks me as I slowly look through the drawings. I recognize each and every one of them and I feel a smile come to my face as a tear slowly rolls down my cheek. The ones on top are from when I was very young, when I was in my first body. They are very typical drawings that would be done by a human child. Stick figures of me and the commander in a house, a sun drawn in the top with a smiley face. Some of them curiously have a third person, a brother that I had dreamed of and one that I didn’t know I had back then.

I continue to go through them, and now see the drawings I made when I was in my second body. These are portraits, much more realistic than the childlike drawings of before. The first few are of myself and people I knew in the area. I remember they would sit for me to make these, there is one of Commander Ikari, one of Ritsuko and another of Fuyutsuki. Other pictures are ones I did from memory, they show Misato, Asuka and Shinji. I set the papers down and see Misato looking at me as I wipe away another tear.

“You were very good, I had no idea you were so talented.”

I feel myself blush at her comment, “I never told you or anyone… I… keep it to myself mostly but I do still draw. I… I like to teach the kids art when I work at the school.”

“I see.”

“Thank you… for showing me this.” I say as I now look towards the stuffed bear. I pick it up and squish it slightly in my hands. This was given to me as a ‘present’ by the commander. It served me well in my first body but I had no use for it in my second and I suppose I have little use for it now. This bear is a relic and not one I want. I have no place for this anyway, I have stuffed toys, gifts given to me by friends and loved ones.

Still… this toy is in good condition and it would be a shame to see such a thing left. Despite it no longer having purpose for me it could still have a purpose for someone else. This could make another child happy.

“I will keep all of this.”

Misato nods again, “Very well. I will see to it that it is all packaged up for us when we return. If you are ready, I will take you to the other thing now.”

I place the toy back down on the bed and follow her back out of the room. I feel her arm around me again as we walk and I try to not let my mind wander as to what might be waiting for me. The feelings I felt before have only gotten more intense, not helped by the wave of emotion I felt at seeing my childhood drawings and stuffed bear.

We continue towards another elevator which I know leads further down into Terminal Dogma. We will be travelling past the Dummy Plug facility, where my spares were kept and then destroyed. We will pass through the graveyard containing bodies of failed Evangelions. The knot in my stomach tightens.

“When we came back to this place, the first thing people were really interested in seeing was Terminal Dogma.” Misato explains as we step into the elevator, “I suppose it makes sense. That was where NERVs darkest secrets were kept. We couldn’t get down there immediately but we can now.”

“What were you hoping to find down there?”

“Me personally? Nothing, I was hoping we would find nothing down there.” She answers, “Unfortunately we did find something but… we don’t know what it is. Ritsuko won’t have anything to do with this place now and the rest of us don’t know. We haven’t got the MAGI online so we can’t identify it.”

“Why do you think I can help?”

She shakes her head, “Aside from Ritsuko and Fuyutsuki you know more about this place than any of us. You know more about… what this might be than any of us. As I said Ritsuko won’t entertain the idea of anything and Fuyutsuki is in Germany, we can’t risk transmitting anything to him, if it’s intercepted by the media then they can stir something up.”

“I understand.” I nod, “Although I am not sure I will be able to help you. I will… do what I can.”

As we get lower the feeling of a presence intensifies. It is not what I used to feel from Lilith but something else entirely. I do not understand how I can be feeling such things though, I am human now. Strangely the presence has a warmth to it, it seems to not want me to be afraid. I wonder though if it is just my imagination.

This elevator comes to a stop and we make our way out into the darker corridors of Terminal Dogma. I feel my body shiver, the last time I was here was on the day of Third Impact. I reach out for Misatos hand and grip it firmly as we move forward. We are still flanked by the security personnel and I can feel their unease as well.

It is not long before we come to the large double doors that once housed Lilith. Could it be that Lilith has somehow returned? No, that cannot be and if it was they would not need me. Still, there is something there, this presence I am sensing, it is behind these doors.

The doors slowly open revealing the inside, I audibly gasp at the sight before me. Ahead of me is the walkway up to the giant cross that Lilith was bound to. Lilith is not on the cross but something else is, it seems to be embedded into the structure.

I step closer to see it is a circular object held in place by a white pillar that surrounds the structure and spreads into the LCL surrounding the platform. As I get closer I can make up more details on the disk, I can see two identical shapes on it, no, not shapes but… creatures, embryonic creatures. There is what seems to be a rounded head, with an eye situated in the middle, the body extends out and spirals around itself. Both creatures are identical and seem to be joined in some way.

“This is it.” Misato speaks, “We found it when we first came down here. We tried to get close but it’s surrounded by some sort of A.T. Field. We don’t know what it is or where it came from.”

As I stand before it I feel that presence once again and I look towards the strange object. I feel like the eyes are looking directly at me but I sense no malice from it. Instead I feel something else, a sense of… gratitude. My mouth slowly opens in shock as I come to realize what this is, I understand why this is here.

I had forgotten over the years but now I remember. These beings were once separate but I brought them together. I felt them within me, I saw what they were, I saw their lives, I saw their purpose and I saw a glimpse of the ones who originally created them. Most of it I can no longer remember but I know what they are.

I smile, the fear is gone, “I… I understand.”

I now understand what this presence is that I have been feeling. It is from this, it is from this union of the two beings. The former seeds of life that are now as one. They have been trying to express themselves to me all this time. In a way this is beautiful, these two beings that should not have been able to co-exist are now as one.

Misato looks at me with a look of confusion, “Do you know what this is?”

I nod my head, “It is… Adam and Lilith, unified as they were on Third Impact.”

A look of fear spreads across her face, “Adam and Lilith? Are you sure?”

I nod again, “Yes but… they do not mean us any harm. Instead I believe they wish to… thank us. We have given them what they wanted, we have freed them from their loneliness, they are together… as one.”

She still looks confused, “You know all of this?”

“On the day of Third Impact I unified the two of them, I saw their loneliness and that they wanted to end it. I do not know how but perhaps they learned through us how to accomplish that, they learned that much like humans they too could co-exist without hurting one another, now they live as one.”

“I… I… See, so… what…. What do we do?” She asks me, “I mean… How do we explain this…? What about NERV and the city, I mean… this is… complicated.”

“I do not know what you should do.” I answer he honestly, “But I believe we should leave them be. I think… leaving the city as it is would be the best thing. Humanity has nothing to fear from them any longer and… we should not give them a reason to fear us.”

Misato looks at the two beings, “So… we should leave them be? Can we communicate with them at all?”

“Yes.”

“Very well… I will… Think of something to say in my report.” She turns towards the door, “Thank you Rei.”


	16. The Only Unforgivable Thing

**5 th October 2021 – Misato Katsuragi**

"So, this is really it then?" She asks me, "You're actually going to turn around and tell them to walk away? You... are actually going to walk away from it as well?"

I can see the suspicion in her eyes as she speaks, I can hear it in her words and I know exactly what lives behind that suspicion. She needs to know that what I have said to her is the honest truth and after everything she has experiences I can't quite blame her for not believing me.

Ritsuko saw the huge amount of work and effort I put into getting this project going. Ritsuko was the first person I confided in when I told her of my plans and she was also the one who objected to it the most. She never wanted this to happen, she always said that it was best leaving that place untouched and when it came down to it, she was right. I had it when she is right.

I nod my head in confirmation and also go about setting my now empty coffee cup down on the table. As I do so her cat sprinting over to me, it puts its paws up on the table making my attempt to set the cup down somewhat difficult.

"Yes, It's true." I tell her.

I finally set the cup down just as the cat leaps up onto the table. If sniffs at the rim of the cup wondering if perhaps the substance that was within might be suitable for a cat. It then sniffs at my hand for a moment. Its curiosity satisfied it rubs its head firmly against my hand, demanding attention from me. I tickle the animal under its chain as we continue our conversation.

"I guess you were right all along Ritsuko, we never should have gone down there." I explain, "There was nothing for us and as you saw, what we did find we were probably better off not finding."

To my surprise Ritsuko shakes her head, "I'm not so sure about that."

"Oh?"

"I objected to you going there for personal reasons and because I was scared of it. There is nothing in that place anymore for me but memories, bad memories of all the mistakes I made. I feared the ghosts of my past that lived there, that maybe they would come back to haunt me in some way." Ritsuko admits, "But... From a more rational and logical standpoint going back in made sense. Your reasons for doing so made sense, to prevent others from making a mistake with what might be salvaged. Even then it is not just about what could be salvages."

She pauses to sip her coffee, "There could have been survivors there or something dangerous that we needed to know about. In the end the right course of action was to go back and you certainly should have been the one to do it."

I feel a smile come to my lips, "Thank you and... thank you for actually agreeing to help us. I know and understand you wanted to remain distant from it all."

"Remaining distant was an impossible task," She sets her cup down, "As long as I do not need to travel to the place then all will be fine. Besides this is... an important find, it would be irresponsible of me to not do what I can. How are the others taking it?"

I shrug, "It's mixed so far, same as it has been throughout the entire project. They didn't really want to believe it at first. They accused Rei of lying or just being wrong."

"I meant Rei and Shinji..."

"Oh!" I shake my head, "Rei seems to be okay with it it, a little bit disturbed and I... I haven't told Shinji yet. I will but... I don't really know what to say. I barely know what it is myself. I'm not a scientist I'm just someone who once told people to blow stuff up and then told others where to go and what to pick up."

"You're downplaying your own abilities there Misato." She smiles, "We're only alive because of some of the things you said. I'm sure you'll be fine at telling Shinji."

"I guess..." I let out a sigh, "It's just he... he has his own concerns with the concert coming up and of course him speaking to Asuka again, I know he'll be nervous about seeing her."

Mentioning Asuka's name draws a surprised look from Ritsuko, "So she has actually remained in contact with him?"

"She has." I nod my head, "I still... wish I could have done more for her. I feel like it was my fault she left, I never really treated her the same as Shinji and when I took Rei in she got more of the attention. Asuka was..."

Ritsuko looks at me and nods, "You made mistakes with Asuka."

"Yes, I did." I admit, "When she said she was strong and an adult I believed her.... No, that isn't true, I didn't believe her, not really. I knew she was hurting, how could she not be but it was easier and more convenient to just let her do her own thing."

I have had these thoughts many times but I've never really been able to speak them out loud. I don't really know why I'm saying it to Ritsuko now either. She isn't the one who needs to hear this, it's Asuka who does.

"Tell that to her then." Ritsuko speaks up, as if reading my mind, "Same as I did to Maya when I saw her again. Admit your mistakes and move forward."

"I will." I look down, now is not the time for this discussion, we have gotten sidetracked enough. I'm not here to chat about Shinji and Asuka, I'm supposed to be briefing Ritsuko on what we found and her role in this.

"We should discuss what we found. I know Maya has already told you but I should probably give you a more official version."

I reach into my satchel and pull out a handful of papers and set them down on the table, taking care to avoid the cat. I see Ritsukos eyes widen at what she sees.

"We have designated it FAR3, other suggestions were Adlith or Lilam, both of which, as I'm sure you'd agree sound stupid."

She nods, "You have of course confirmed what it is then?"

"Yes, we were able to bring in equipment to create a proper 3D scan of it. We could separate the two forms and see that one was an exact match for the embryonic form of Adam. We were of course unable to confirm Lilliths embryonic form as we had not encountered that." I pause, "It was Maya who did that."

Ritsuko gives a small smile of pride, "Oh?"

"She modified some of the systems we were using down there, originally we were looking for orange of blue blood patterns thinking. It was based on the UN early warning systems set up outside of NERV."

Ritsuko gives a nod, "Reasonable."

"But... NERV wasn't exactly forthcoming with the UN about other potential patterns. Probably to avoid questions like, 'Why is there a progenitor of life in your basement'? Maya did have knowledge of other patterns so was able to expand the range. Right away it picked up the hybrid as blood pattern red."

"She really is something special that girl." Ritsuko nods, "So. I suppose you'll need me for further tests that won't risk agitating the being."

I nod, "Something like that, something to ensure but it and our safety as well might be useful."

She lets out a sigh, "I shall... do what I can. I'm not making any promises though but I think I might be able to modify some of the old Eva tech to produce something. We lost a lot of it but there were other facilities that produced parts which we could use. After this though... I am done and so are you."

"Agreed... After this we both walk away. I just... I want to make sure this is done properly. I don't trust them to make the right decision. Unless I'm there then they'll either try to destroy it or use it. I need someone like you there to examine it, to learn about it and the risks. After that... no more involvement, it's truly over."

"Good." She nods, "In which case I'll help."

"Thank you."

"And after this, then what happens?"

I shake my head, "I don't really know. I don't want to be involved in this for much longer. I can't take all this bureaucratic crap any longer, it's just meetings about setting up further meetings without getting anything done. I just... I want to leave this behind and... maybe take a break for myself and actually spend some time with Shinji and Rei."

I lower my head, "I just haven't been there enough for them recently."

"You've done what you can Misato, all things considered you've done a good job with them."

Once again, the thought of how I failed Asuka flashes through my mind, "I've done nothing, I've just given them a place to live, they've done most of the work. Me? I'm useless, I can't cook, I can't really talk to them, I...."

Again, I shake my head, "This isn't important right now we should go and I'll introduce you to the team you'll be working with."

We both get up from our seats and move out of the front door of her house and we move towards my car. I feel significantly lighter than when I arrived here today. Having Ritsuko on board for this will make things that little bit easier.

**9 th October 2021 – Shinji Ikari**

Today I feel a fear and nervousness that I haven't felt in quite some time. It's different to how I've been feeling for the past five years, it isn't a fear of people recognizing me, no this is a fear similar to how I felt before I would pilot. I feel unease in the pit of my stomach, I'm sweating and I keep pacing back and forth.

I'm not prepared to do this today but I can't back out, I can't run away. I just wish we had more time to figure this out, I wish we had been told more of what would be expected. Instead we were given very little and with it we were able to produce very little. When I spoke to Misato she warned me this is how it was likely to be, she gave me a few questions that she would ask me but said it might not represent what they ask.

I feel weird for being so scared and nervous, it's not as if my life is at risk or the fate of the world is at stake. If I fail then nothing changes for me. No, it's just the fate of a single person, to help them actually be able to live a proper life. Their future is in my hands, no pressure at all.

I feel sick.

I take a deep breath and try to remember that I won't be alone in this. Asuka will be playing her part in this as well, it isn't all on my shoulders. Fuyutsuki is doing what he can too. It isn't just down to me, and yet I feel like it is. I feel like if this doesn't work then I'll be at fault. Ironically, I feel like if we succeed then it'll be because of Asuka.

I wish I could travel there with Misato and Rei but they will both be meeting me there. Apparently, they wanted us to travel separately for some reason. Both of them have been supportive in this though which did surprise me, especially Misato.

I could tell it was difficult for her when I told her what I was going to do. I know what Kaworu must represent to her. Kaworu was not only the last Angel who betrayed me, the one she took in as her own son but he also represents the beings that killed her father. I feel like a part of her wanted me to have no part of this but she fought it.

I know that must have been difficult for her. The Angels were at times her personal white whale. She sworn revenge on them, she let her own crusade get in the way of her judgement. She put lives at risk for it. She wanted to see them all die because of what they had done to her. It really can't have been easy for her to accept this.

It seemed to be important to Rei as well. She asked if there was anything she could do but it seemed the security council didn't want her getting involved. I'm not sure why, we did ask but it seems they were only willing to hear from myself and Asuka. Rei however reminded me and Misato of what she used to be and how similar her upbringing was to Kaworu's. She mused that given more time perhaps the two could have been allies but it was not to be.

I am certain that Kaworu deserves a chance to live freely. We forgave Fuyutsuki and Ritsuko when they returned and they have had the chance to live their lives. He deserves the same. I would not want him to not have those options, regardless of what I did or didn't think of him.

I shuffle over to the mirror again in order to adjust my suit jacket sleeves. I'm not sure if maybe the jacket is too big for me but it just doesn't feel comfortable at all. I really dislike wearing it but I was told it'd be better to dress like this rather than how I'd usually dress. This is actually only the second time I've had to wear a suit; the first time wasn't a particularly happy occasion. It was on a day of remembrance held not too long after Third Impact.

I attended it along with Asuka, Rei and Misato. We had to sit through an uncomfortable speech about the bravery of the pilots who saved the world. We had to listen as names were read out and a statue dedicated to the fallen as unveiled. Afterwards me, Rei and Asuka were given medals in a private meeting with a government official. It was not a comfortable day or moment.

As I loosen my tie I hear a knock at the door. I immediately freeze up at the realization that this is it. There really is no turning back now, yet I look across at the open window and wonder if... No, I'm on the third floor. I close the window and make my way to the front door and open it. I almost gasp when I see the person standing across from me, our eyes meet for a moment and I have to fight every urge to not slam the door shut.

My eyes wander to the badge attached to his jacket. I see the logo of the security services there and underneath is his name. This is not some anonymous guard come to take me to the meeting today, standing across from me is a man named Hideaki, one of the violin players from our group.

"Shinji." He nods in greeting and gives me an almost embarrassed smile. I say nothing in reply and it seems that he recognized my discomfort, "I should... probably explain a few things, shouldn't I?"

All I can do is nod, I honestly don't know what to say. Hideaki is someone I have spoken to perhaps once or twice in the group. To be honest being around him makes me feel awkward, not so much because of who he is but because of his past. Hideaki lived in Tokyo-3, he had a wife and a son whilst he was there. His son was killed during one of the attacks on the city and shortly after that he started drinking heavily, he, lost his job, split up with his wife and his life had pretty much fallen apart

Third Impact came and went and Hideaki recovered to see that he has been given a second chance. He was able to reconcile with his wife and they even had a second child, a daughter. Hideaki got a new job and slowly started to rebuild his life. It was all of this that inspired him to learn to play the violin, his goal is to be able to compose a tribute to his son.

Naturally I felt awkward around him. I always wondered if he knew who I was and what I was. I always wondered if he blamed me and the other pilots for what happened. I always felt guilty about it, after all we were supposed to defend the people during the Angel attacks and we failed.

Before Hideaki can say anything else I finally find the ability to speak, "D-Do you know... who I am?"

Hideaki nods, "Yes, I've known who you were from the moment you introduced yourself in the first group session."

"O-Oh... And you... didn't say anything?"

"No." He shakes his head as he speaks, "I figured it would be best to not say anything. I figured you probably didn't want people to know something like that."

"I... I see..." I nod as I'm frozen to the spot, unable to move. I can feel myself sweating making this suit even more uncomfortable.

"Actually..." He continues, "I've known you for longer than that. You won't have known but I helped to protect you back in Tokyo-3."

It doesn't take me long to connect the dots, Hideaki must have been a member of Section Two. A member of the elite service that would follow and protect me, Asuka and Rei. I don't quite know what to feel, I have mixed feelings about Section Two. I disliked being followed but understand why it had to happen. At the same time, I have learned since that Section Two didn't always seem to have our safety at heart, their handling of Asuka when she ran away shows this.

"I... I had no idea..." I stutter out somewhat politely.

"No, you weren't supposed to, none of you were supposed to see us or know we were there." He explains, "I had actually hoped that you wouldn't find out..."

"Really, why?" I ask him.

"A number of reasons." He starts to explain, "I know... We all knew how much you hated piloting and I figured after all that happened to you and the others you probably wouldn't want to be reminded of it all. Also... Section Two didn't really shower itself in glory in a few cases. We weren't so much a security service but... Well I probably shouldn't say anything here but there were certain people who prevented us from doing our job properly, I thought... you'd probably hate me if you found out."

"H-Hate you?" I stutter again as I feel my hand clench into a fist and unclench, two nervous habits in one. I am surprised at what he has said though, why would he think I'd hate him after what happened to his son. Surely, we failed him?

He nods, "It was stupid I know, you can't really escape your past but I had hoped maybe in this case I could. Turns out fate had a different plan in store."

He half smiles as he finished speaking but I'm still in something of a stunned silence. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. I want to say something to him as my mind runs through numerous questions and potential answers. In the end I just go for the usual, "I'm sorry..."

He looks confused, "Sorry.... For what?"

How can he look confused by my apology? He must know what I'm sorry for, because of what my actions lead to, he lost something previous to him, he nearly lost everything because of my uselessness. I struggle to say anything in reply and I see the confusion fade to realization. He looks away, embarrassed.

"I was a pilot and I... I failed..."I mumble just loudly enough for him to hear.

"Oh..." He looks back at me and kneels down slightly and places a hand on my shoulder, "Shinji... I... Look, you.... You have nothing to be sorry for, nothing at all. You did everything that was asked of you, you fought with everything you had and you saved countless lives."

"B-But..." I shake my head barely daring to say the words, "Your.... son..."

He pauses and shakes his head, "What happened to my son... was tragic but it was not because of you. My son wasn't killed because of your actions, my son was killed by some two-bit thugs who decided to try to jump the queue when we were evacuating. They got in a fight with the guards and shots were fired, a stray bullet caught him and..."

He pauses again as his hand tightens on my shoulder, his voice sounds quieter, "It was nothing to do with you."

"I... I didn't know..." I lower my eyes again.

"I admit I was... a little bit vague when I told my story to the group but the details of it aren't really something you tell a group of strangers." He says, "The truth is Shinji I... I always wanted to thnk you for what you and the other pilots did. Most of us at Section Two knew that it was wrong, you three being forced to do that. We all knew it was unfair but we also knew there were no other options. We couldn't say it then and... well many of them won't get a chance now so on behalf of them... thank you."

Once again, I fall silent, I don't quite know what to say to that. I've never been thanked by someone like this before. When it came from that government official we were all thanked but it felt impersonal, like it was some sort of duty they had to perform. I've been thanked by those who came back but that was different as well, I knew those people and they did much as me.

With this it is so different, I don't know Hideaki that well and he doesn't really know me. I know that he was a member of Section Two but aside from that he was just a regular member of the public. He was one of the many thousands of civilians who lived in that city. Him saying thank you it... it feels weird, and undeserved. Why am I being thanked? He doesn't know what I nearly did, he doesn't know the truth about who I am.

I don't shake my head but I feel my nails dig into the palms of my hands as those thoughts infiltrate my mind. I'm supposed to be fighting those sorts of thoughts, we all are. I'm not a bad person, I shouldn't feel guilty because of what nearly happened. I should accept what did happen but I don't know how. How do you come to terms with the idea that you actually saved the world?

Finally, I speak, my voice no longer caught in my throat. The lump that has formed from hearing his words slowly going. I feel the sting of tears in my eyes but blink them away and I nod.

"Thank you, for what you did for us as well."

He stands up and nods before looking at his watch, "I think we've probably spent enough time here. If possible, I would like to speak to you more but this isn't really the time and place. If that is okay of course?"

"I... That would be fine." I nod again.

"Good."

I make my way out of the door and lock it behind me as I do he begins to speak, explaining to me what is happening today.

"I'll assume you haven't been briefed on the timetable for today?" He asks.

I shake my head, "No."

I hear him sigh, "Typical, well as you have probably guessed, I'm your assigned security detail for today. I know it'll be inconvenient for you but I'm so stay close to you at all times, I am to ensure that you are safe in everything you to today. The only time I will not be by your side is when you are in your meeting with the security council."

I nod, "O-Okay..."

"Downstairs there is a car waiting for us. It will take us about thirty minutes to reach the UN Embassy. When we are there we will enter via a specially prepared entrance, we don't anticipate any problems regarding the media being there but things have been leaked before."

"Oh..." I almost freeze up, I had never considered the idea of things being leaked to the press. Everything I have done has been well away from the press. Everything they know about NERV and the Eva's was specially constructed to ensure myself, Asuka, Rei, Touji and I suppose even Kaworu would not be known about.

He shoots me a look of concern, "Don't worry about it, as I said we don't anticipate any problems regarding the media. This is purely preventative, there might be some reporters snooping around, pay them no mind, they always hang around for something."

"I... See..." I say nervously, "So... If they see me..."

"They won't know who you are, unless someone has leaked something in which case we'd know about it before you arrived. They will however be wondering who this young guy is who has strolled into the UN Embassy, so just walk past, don't make eye contact and don't engage them."

"Ok, got it." I nod as we approach the car.

"When we arrive, there will be a brief security check for you and then you'll be escorted to meet with Miss Katsuragi and Ayanami. You will all be given a brief tour of the facility if time permits before you meet with the council."

"Right."

He opens the door for me and I get inside, it's one of those larger cars, not quite the size of a limo but spacious. It's black with tinted windows, he climbs in and sits himself down on the seat opposite me. He turns and says something to the driver and we pull away, my heart hammering in my chest. I have to wonder exactly what I've gotten myself into and also hope that I don't mess this up.

**Asuka Langley Soryu**

I hear a soft moan of satisfaction as Kaworu snuggles his head into my shoulder, his hair tickling me ever so slightly. In response I bring my arms around his body and run a hand down his back. I let out a satisfied sigh of my own as I try to ignore the little alarm going off in the back of my mind. I look over towards the clock on our bedside table, it's not as bad as I thought, we still have at least half an hour until the car picks us up.

We should really have been ready an hour ago but as it is here we are in one another arms, both very tired, very sweaty, very naked and extremely satisfied. If I had the choice I'd shut my eyes, fall asleep and just rest here with kaworu but reality is setting in. We have to get out of this bed, we have to put some clothes on and leave.

Damnit, why did we have to get like this this morning of all mornings? I'm not even usually a morning person, I prefer this sort of thing in the evening. I hate my body sometimes, Kaworu's on the other hand, I quite enjoy that.

I glance down at the melted form in my eyes, it seems cruel to disturb his rest. He looks so peaceful when he sleeps, "Kaworu..."

I get a soft movement of his head as he snuggles into me some more, "Mmm... I love you Asuka..."

I plant a soft kiss on the top of his head as I blush, I'm still not quite used to hearing or feeling I deserve to hear those words, "I love you too Kaworu but.... we... have to get up. Like... Now."

"Why? It's comfortable here..." He protests and snuggles into me once again. I'd be slightly annoyed at his protests if I didn't want the same thing and if he wasn't so adorable and if what we had just done moments ago hadn't have felt so good.

"Because... A car will be picking up both up very shortly..." I speak calmly, there is no need for any of us to panic. We still have plenty of time to get ready.

Kaworu unfortunately does not share my desire to remain calm. He suddenly bolts upright, the back of his head almost connecting with my chin as he does so. I get the full brunt of his hair in my face and in one swift movement he throws the covers to the floor exposing us to the cooler air.

"Crap! I... I forgot... I... We...! Oh crap, oh crap! They... They're going to..." Kaworu gets off of the bed and looks around for a moment. He then hurries to his set of drawers.

"Kaworu! Calm down." I try to say something to calm my naked and pale boyfriend down as he flails around the room.

Unfortunately, my words have no effect on him, I watch as things unfortunately play out as I expect them to. He pulls a pair of boxers out of the drawer and starts to slide them on. I look on as he almost stumbles putting his leg through one of the holes. Normally I'd admire the display of Kaworu putting on his clothes but today his display is more amusing then seductive.

With his underwear on he heads to the wardrobe and begins to pull out his suit. I decide now might be a good time to try to calm him down again, "Kaworu... It'll be fine, we still have plenty of time!"

He shakes his head as he throws takes his trousers off of the hanger and puts the rest of the suit onto the bed, "No... No... If we're late then... They'll definitely say no, they..."

"Kaworu!" I call out his name as he scrambles to try to put his trousers on. Time seems to slow down as I realize exactly what is about to happen. I scramble out of the bed onto the same side as him, myself still completely naked. I put out my arms moments too late as he tries to put one of his legs into the set of trousers, he misjudges it in his haste and stumbles forward. I hear a small yelp from him followed by a loud thud as he hits the ground at my feet.

I glance down at him as he lies there with an embarrassed and dazed look on his face. I kneel down by his side, "Are you hurt?"

He shakes his head, "Only my pride..."

"Idiot." I mutter, "I told you to calm down."

"Help?"

I sigh as I stand back up and extend a hand to help him up, he averts his eyes from me sheepishly as he resumes putting on his clothes, at a much slower pace. At this moment I become more aware of my own nudity and some slight embarrassment creeps in. I'm still not completely used to Kaworu seeing me like this, it's one thing for him to see me or parts of me in the heat of the moment but another to be completely naked around him outside of that.

I move past him towards the drawer, as I do I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I stop for a moment and look at the faint scarring on my chest, my only 'souvenirs' of my time as an Evangelion pilot. I don't even have my hair clips anymore.

"Asuka, is everything alright?"

I turn to see the look of concern on his face and also realize my hand has now reached up to where my scars are. I nod, "It's fine."

"Are... Your scars hurting you?"

I shake my head, "No, they don't hurt. They never have done I just... Never really noticed them before."

"Sorry." He mutters as I shoot him a look. He opens his mouth to say something but quickly mumbles another infuriating apology.

I take another look at myself before deciding to put some clothes on. The first time Kaworu saw my scars properly he nearly cried, I wasn't quite sure why after all it wasn't his fault they were there. He explained later that the Evangelion Units responsible for that were actually powered by a dummy plug with his data within it. He actually felt responsible, funny that, the two men in my life both feel responsible in some way for my death and scarring.

I on the other hand don't blame them for it. The dummy plug was doing what it was told to do and even if Shinji had been able to help me fight them would it have mattered? Those things didn't seem like they could be beaten.

Do I hate those scars? Damn right I do, they remind me that I lost. They remind me of the pain I felt and they remind me that I died. They also remind me of how lucky I am to get a second chance. They're a double-edged sword, well perhaps lance would be more appropriate.

I glance quickly at Kaworu again as he finishes buttoning up his shirt and start to put my underwear on. It is strange how I am starting to feel more at ease with certain things around him. I never used to imagine myself as being the sort of person who could be comfortable naked or even semi naked around another person. I never even used to be comfortable being naked around myself.

Yet there is something about being with Kaworu that just puts me at ease. I'm still not completely comfortable but I'm a hell of a lot more than I ever thought I would be. I suppose that is proof that I am progressing in some way towards what I... want to be? I've actually let Kaworu see me, all of me, my scars and all. I... Well I've certainly seen all of him, he seemed slightly more apprehensive about it than I did. Ironic, considering he told me when he was an Angel he felt no shame about that sort of thing.

I continue to get ready, both of us getting our suits on fairly quickly. I brush my hair, spray on some perfume and add a small amount of makeup, nothing much but just enough to hide any evidence of our prior activities.

It doesn't take us long to get ready, truthfully, I've never been someone who took too long to get ready. Well, that isn't strictly true. When I was younger, when I was 'her', I would have taken a lot longer to get ready. I had to have the perfect look, the right dress, the right makeup and the right perfume for the time. I had to ensure it was all fine to get the spotlight on me, and me alone. Now... Well it's not that I don't care about how I look, I do care but I just don't want the spotlight to be on me. I don't want people to notice me, it's the last thing I'd want.

I look back in the mirror and as if by magic my good feelings from earlier fade away and the doubt and nervousness creeps in. I fire a glance at Kaworu, I can see that he is nervous as well, sat on the edge of the bed in his suit and glancing down at the ground. He looks pale, well paler than usual.

I look back at myself and start to ask myself questions in my mind. What if I'm not able to do this for Kaworu? What if I do end up failing him? What happens next? I've been talking to Shinji about this and others, we've decided that this isn't just about getting Kaworu to be able to go to Japan for a concert. This is about allowing him to live as a free person, to not be restricted or watched like some sort of villain.

If I fuck this up then... he's restricted, he's scrutinized and he loses that power. So, the question is, if I do fuck this up then will I also lose him? Will Kaworu hate me for fucking this up?

I try to fight these fears away but another voice is there warning me that I've done it again. I've talked big without realizing that I'm powerless to back it up. It's no different to how I used to be, arrogance and overconfidence and no ability. I'm preparing to fail and I haven't even gotten there yet. Let's be honest though, I'm no strange to failure, I've been doing it for most of my life.

This time though... It's different because I'm not alone in this fight and for once in my life I'm actually accepting it, I'm actually happy about it or at least I'm actually willing to admit I'm happy about it. Truth is, as much as I said that I hated being team mates with Shinji and Rei back then, when the three of use worked together it was some of the happiest moments of my miserable life. I just couldn't admit it. Well I can now, I need help and as much as it dents my pride to admit it I need to rely on others.

This all makes me feel slightly better, I know that together... we can do this. We might not be seperated by half the world but we can do it. Me and him, like we used to be able to. When we worked together... nothing could stop us. The invincible Shinji... I used to call him that with such disdain but today I'm calling him it because I believe it.

Please Shinji... Come through for us...

"Everything is... going to be alright... isn't it?"

I hear Kaworu softly speak and I turn to look at him again. He's still sat at the edge of the bed, his hands trembling with nerves. I try to hide away any doubt and fear I'm feeling. If I show that then it helps no one. I realize that I have to put up that front for just a little while today, I have to try and become... 'her' once again.

As I make my way towards him I wonder, just who is she? I cast my mind back to that fourteen-year-old version of myself, that girl I used to be and the one I'm so very afraid of. I think of her like some sort of ghost that haunts me. I think of her as if she is a spectre that I've tried to exorcise but she never truly goes away.

I'm not the only one with these ghosts though, Kaworu... Shinji... Rei... we all have them. All of them take the form of these versions of us from many years ago but we warp and distort them. They are made up not of who we are but who we think they were, created by our fears.

They aren't bad though, they aren't evil and we shouldn't be afraid to accept them. I... I sort of understand this now. I understand that the person I think of myself as being isn't the full story and that not everything about me back then was bad. Still... I have that worry, if I allow even a little bit of that girl to slip back in... will I not regress and lose who I am now?

No. I won't do that. I can't do that, I'm not scared of who I am. Not anymore.

So with that I kneel down in front of Kaworu and grin, "Of course it will!"

"Are you... sure?" He asks me.

I look into his eyes and nod, "Are you kidding? With me and the invincible Shinji in your corner, how can it go wrong?"

Good, confident with just the right amount of arrogance. I can do this, I can channel her. My words also seem to have had an effect on Kaworu. He smiles back at me, "Are you... nervous?"

I nod at him and take his hand, placing it on my chest and holding it over my rapidly beating heart, "Yes, but... that's fine. I was nervous every time I would go out and kick an Angel's ass."

He smiles as he holds his warm hand in place for a moment, "I watched your old footage you know... You were really talented."

"Of course I was! I trained for nearly ten years to get that good." I shoot back, "It's going to be fine Kaworu, we'll make them see sense."

"Shinji..." Kaworu removes his hand, "He is really going to help us?"

I give him another nod, "Yup, and I didn't even have to threaten him."

"Y-You wouldn't have done?" He asks me with some horror on his face.

"No! Of course, I wouldn't You idiot!" I reply instantly, "It's like I told you, he did take some persuading initially. He wasn't sure he could really help us."

"I know." Kaworu looks down, "I just... Worry that he hates me and might not do this."

I squeeze Kaworu's hand as I speak, "Shinji doesn't hate you. In fact I... I don't think Shinji is really capable of hating anyone. When I was at my worst towards him he didn't hate me, I yelled and screamed at him, I... I never hit him but I threw things and damaged stuff and he never hated me."

I pause for a moment, "I... I don't even think he hates his own father. It's... kinda annoying in a way, I think some people deserve to be hated. Some people you... can't forgive."

Kaworu nods, he understands what I'm talking about, he has confessed to me his conflicting thoughts on SEELE and his upbringing.

"Shinji... doesn't know how to feel regarding you but he definitely doesn't hate you and he wants to help you. I think with him helping we can do this. In fact, I know we can, there is no better team than me and Shinji."

I grin once more as I say those words. It's funny to think of myself saying such a thing whilst I'm trying to channel some of the confidence of that younger Asuka. She'd hate me for admitting I need help from anyone but I know there is no shame in it.

Still I do feel a slight dent to my pride as I say it. Those ideals were chiseled into me over and over again for almost ten years. I told myself repeatedly I had to do everything alone, that I didn't need anyone else and it was weak to rely on others. It's hard to undo ten years' worth of damage and trauma in half the time it took to put it in place.

Being friends with Rei, being in touch with Shinji again and falling for Kaworu... Well I feel like that has helped speed it up. Maybe it is fine to need other people.

"I really love you Asuka." Kaworu suddenly speaks, "Thank you... For everything."

My hand squeezes his once again as I lean in and kiss him softly on the lips, I get to my feet, "I love you too Kaworu. Now... Shall we get this over and done with?"


	17. Lifting Shadows

**Tokyo 2 - UN Embassy – Waiting Room - Shinji Ikari**

I'm sat nervously in a small room waiting to be let into the meeting room with the council. My meeting should have started ten minutes ago but I've been told the group are running late. Misato did warn me that that would be likely, she said that in her experience these sorts of meetings never start on time.

So, for the moment I am sat, alone in this small room. I'm on a fairly uncomfortable seat and across from me is an old television playing a repeat of an old gameshow. I'm not sure how old it is but it's in English and seems to be themed around darts of all things. It has subtitles and I've just watched the contestants win a speedboat.

Would they even want a speedboat? What if they don't live near any water? How do they split a speedboat between them?

I'm not quite sure that frightens me more, the idea of this meeting or the badly drawn cartoon bull that has appeared frequently throughout the show.

I continue watching this bizarre terribly-yet-good show for a few moment minutes and finally the door to the meeting room opens up. A small woman steps through and smiles at me.

"Terribly sorry to keep you waiting, we had some issues with the tech. The council are ready to meet with you now."

I immediately rise to my feet and try to disguise the trembling in my body. I can't let them see any fear from me. I need to step through there and be confident in what I say and do. I can't afford to make any mistakes in front of these people.

"Okay." I nod at her and follow her through into the room, leaving the world of cartoon bulls and darts behind.

The meeting room is what I expected it to be, it is a wide and open room with a large circular table planted in the middle. The air in the room is cool, and I hear the low hum of an air conditioner. I see one seat set up in the room, in front of it is a bottle of water and a see through plastic cup. I presume that this is going to be my seat. The room is somewhat brighter than I expected, I see a few decorative plants in the corners, some bookshelves and the flags of the member countries on the walls.

I admit, I am slightly confused by the lack of seating in the room. Aside from my chair there are no others around the table, instead there are nine metallic blocks where the seats would be. I turn to the woman who brought me in, "W-Where is everyone else?"

She lets out a small laugh, "Oh, of course! I should have explained. The council are not going to be here physically, there are currently in Berlin and this meeting will be done remotely, the council will be represented holographically."

"Oh... I see..." I nod again as I take a few tentative steps forward towards the large seat waiting for me, it's one of those semi comfortable executive looking chairs. I sit myself down in it awkwardly and take a moment to adjust. I ask myself if the seat is comfortable enough. Should I adjust it? Can I adjust it? How should I be sitting in the seat? Should I have my arms on the armrests or on the tables?

In the end I settle for not adjusting the seat and just sitting with my arms neatly folded in front of me. The woman leaves the room and I take a few steady breaths and look around the now empty room. I realize, likely much too late, that I am... not prepared for this. I really don't know if I can do this. I wish I had someone here with me. I wish Misato or Rei were here. I wish Asuka was here. I can't do this... I can't face this on my own!

Unfortunately, I have little choice now, before I can even get lost in my own sudden loss of confidence I hear a whirring noise and one by one each of the devices around the table suddenly come to life. I see nine people appear in front of me. They are a mixture of men and women, of varying ethnicity. One of them, an older Japanese man situated to my right looks familiar but I can't place his face.

At the head of the table, across from me is a rather stocky looking bald man with a bushy ginger moustache. He looks directly at me and starts to speak, he has a German accent but is speaking Japanese, "Sorry to have kept you waiting Herr Ikari, sometimes the technology we use for these conferences does not always perform to the standards that we would like it to. Sometimes I long for the days of face to face meetings, they seemed easier but technology does move in but I am digressing. I hope you are well?"

I give a nod and I'm not quite sure what to say in reply to him. Do I smile and say something about the technology as well? Do I just say I am fine? Already I am thrown, this man is different to what I had expected, especially for someone in a position of such power. He seems jolly and so unlike the stuffier politicians I've seen on television or even the ones I have encountered.

I take a quick moment to look at the others on the council. A few of those look much more like I had expected them too, in particular the Japanese guy to my right who is, unless I am imagining things, scowling at me.

"I... I am fine, thank you." I finally reply.

"Very good." He announces, his booming voice echoes around the room.

As I see and hear this man I feel slightly more at ease, unfortunately the others don't give me that same feeling. I feel like half of them are scowling at me and looking at me with hate in their eyes, I feel like the other half are looking at me with admiration. It had dawned on me as I was preparing for this that the people I meet will all know who I am, this is the on situation where people where I can be sure of that.

I am trying to keep clam about that fact, just because these people know who I am doesn't mean anything bad can happen. Nothing bad can happen, these people aren't even here physically so they can't hurt me. I am safe and secure here and they have a job to do. What they think of me personally doesn't matter.

"We are here to discuss the matter of Mr Kaworu Nagisa." He speaks again, "it is the belief of this committee that both yourself and former pilot Asuka Langley Soryu would like to appeal against our decision to restrict Mr Nagisa's activities. This meeting will therefore be used to help establish whether or not we should reverse that decision, is this understood by everyone?"

I nod my head and look around again to see the others nod their heads and give murmurs of agreement. After this the members of the council introduce themselves to me, when it comes to the Japanese man who has been scowling at me he introduces himself as Shiro Tokita, again I can't help but feel like I have heard the name before but I cannot think where.

I get little time to dwell on it though. Once again, the man in charge speaks in his loud booming voice, "Well now that we have the introductions out of the way we can begin."

**Berlin - UN Embassy – Waiting Room – Asuka Langley Soryu**

I've barely been here five minutes and I'm already in a bad mood. On arriving here, I wasn't even given a chance to say goodbye to Kaworu properly, the security grabbed me and whisked me away from him and led me straight to this waiting room. It turns out Kaworu won't be a part of these meetings today, he isn't even allowed in the building.

Did they do this on purpose? Put me in a bad mood before the meeting starts so they can try to throw me off? Well it isn't going to work, if anything I'm just more determined now.

Although, as much as I hate to admit it, I am very nervous about this. Waiting for me in that next room are nine highly trained politicians. They are each going to look to tear me apart. It's nine against one, odds I've encountered before and... to be perfectly frank, things didn't go so well for me last time.

I am determined to do this though. I have to believe that I can do this. This isn't for me, this is for Kaworu who right now will be either aimlessly wandering through a part of town he's never been in or sat outside this building.

So, I will get this done, I'll go in there and speak to them all. I'll persuade them to overturn their decision and then we will get Kaworu what he needs to go back to Japan. We'll get ourselves to the concert and we'll see them again and have a good time.

With that thought comes another issue, one I have been thinking about more and more recently and one I don't really want to think about. When we go to Japan that will be the moment that Shinji and Kaworu reunite. I'm not an idiot, I know exactly how Kaworu feels about Shinji and I know how Shinji feels in regards to Kaworu. Despite their problems now they will feel those same feelings once again when they meet, it's inevitable.

So, what will happen to me after that? I guess... It'll be just like those dreams I had. Not the rarenice ones where the three of us are somehow together but the other ones. The ones where they both walk away and I'm left all alone. I don't want to be abandoned, I don't want to be alone, I want what I have now. I don't want to lose Kaworu.

I try to take a moment to calm down, I'm getting ahead of myself and being stupid. For a brief second one of the nicer images from my dreams flashes into my mind. I had a dream once we all lived together, I don't know what we were... but we were all happy and just enjoyed being around one another. It is just a dream though.

That is another worry of mine, telling Shinji about what me and Kaworu are. It'll hurt him and... I really don't want to hurt him. I... I lo-… No, I can't say that because I love Kaworu now, can you love more than one person? I suppose you can... The point is I don't want Shinji to be hurt and I don't want to be the cause of pain for him.

These are all thoughts for later though, we can deal with this when we have to. For now, I need to get a few things straight, Kaworu is not going to abandon me. I know that there might be awkwardness when we all reunite but we can deal with it there and then. All that matters right now is sorting out these ridiculous old men who have deemed it necessary to block my boyfriend from being able to live his life.

I remain in the seat for a couple more minutes in this stupid and silent waiting room. I hate this room, there isn't even a television in here to provide some sort of distraction just a crappy uncomfortable seat, four white walls, a fake cactus in the corner and a fish bowl sans fish.

Finally, after what feels like an eternity the door to the main meeting room opens. An older lady walks out to greet me, she's wearing a full suit, dour expression and a voice that would make Rei sound expressive.

"Ms Soryu, the council are now ready to see you."

"Finally." I mutter under my breath.

She gives me a quick glare as if she has heard me but then turns away, "The council are already seated, you will go to your designated seat and they will begin."

As I enter the room a final wave of thoughts washes over me. Have they already spoken to Shinji? Has their decision already been made? Is there anything I can do to tip them over the edge? Am I at risk of reversing their decision?

I suppose I won't know until after this is done. I walk straight into the room and I feel the cold stares of the council members. The room isn't very well lit and from a brief glance seems fairly sparse. The table at the center is what I expected, large, wooden and round. The chair for me is one of those large office chairs that reminds me of something from a villain in a Bond movie might have.

I sit myself down and allow a quick look at the nine representatives, my enemies for today. Directly opposite me is a round bald-headed man, he actually looks like he could be the brother of the man who owns the café near to my old apartment. His demeanor doesn't seem to be the same as many politicians but I know myself how deceiving looks can be.

The other eight are a mixture of nationality and gender, some seem to be more sour-faced and what I'd expect from a politician. One of them in particular is staring straight at me as if I was the biggest piece of trash in existence.

Well fuck you too.

"Ms Soryu, our apologies for keeping you waiting." The man who for now I'll call Obelix announces, his voice is loud and clear.

I give a confident smirk and feel that piercing glare from the committee members intensify. I imagine they will all know who I am and they will probably know who I was. I wonder if the person they see before the today is what they expect. I wonder if they're expecting 'her' or for me to have changed.

"Now at all." I nod politely, "I haven't been here for too long."

"It is the understanding of the committee that you wish to bring forth an appeal to our decision to block Kaworu Nagisa from travelling outside of Germany."

"That is correct." I reply.

"This meeting today along with our meeting with your former teammate Shinji Ikari will therefore aid us in establishing whether or not we should reverse that decision. Does anyone have any objections?"

I shake my head and listen to the others. No one offers any objections to his request and then they all move into introducing themselves and the country they represent. I feign interest but in truth I couldn't care less if they represent one country or another. I just want them to change their minds.

The last guy does intrigue me though. He's representing Japan and he addresses me with such disdain that I wonder if perhaps I have offended him in the past. I can't say I recognize him nor do I recognize his name. For all the trouble I might have been at NERV I did make sure to remember the names of the techs and people who helped me, I even donated some of my salary to them when I could. Shiro Tokita was not one of the people I remember being on that list.

"So, with introductions now complete, shall we begin?" The jolly man in charge announces and I prepare myself for what will come next.

**Tokyo 2 – UN Embassy – Meeting Room – Shinji Ikari**

"Mr Ikari, or would you prefer Shinji?" The rounded gentleman asks me.

I immediately feel all nine sets of eyes on me as he asks his question and my cheeks burn up instantly. My mind immediately jumps into overdrive wondering how I should answer him. Is this some sort of trick question? Is this a test? Should I keep it formal or should I allow them to call me by my first name? What would they prefer to do? They are all older than me, therefore they should be the ones to decide, shouldn't they?

"S-Shinji is fine." I finally say after a little bit more internal debate.

"Very well, Shinji it is..." He pauses for a moment, "So, we understand that both yourself and Ms Soryu would like to appeal our decision regarding Mr Nagisa. First of all, I would like to ask, are you aware of why we made that decision?"

I allow myself to look around the room at the faces of each person, despite them not being here physically and the emitters that are beaming their images in make it appear like they are. I can see each one has their eyes trained on me, each one of them expecting an answer promptly it seems. I feel a level of discomfort matching that of those rare occasions I'd find myself in my father's office.

I fight back an urge to take a deep breath, I want to look confident in here and not nervous. Instead I try to place my arms on the table confidently. I bring up my hands and fold them just under my chin and nod.

"Yes, you believe that allowing Kaworu to travel outside of Germany puts the world at risk. You do not trust that he is completely human."

"Hah! Well he does know something after all!" I hear one of the women to my left scoff, I ignore her as best I can. I've barely been in this room and spoken to these people for ten minutes and I already dislike the majority of them.

The man in charge does not flinch or acknowledge her statement. Instead he continues to look at me, his tone is light, "Correct. Now, this was not a decision we came to lightly. As the appeal pointed out, we are dealing with a person's freedom and right to live their life. You understand this?"

I take a moment to think about it, Misato did warn me about how these people might speak to me. I don't want to say or do anything that might put Kaworu at risk. I don't want to make it seem like I doubt Kaworu. I do however nod, "Yes, I understand."

"Where there is any doubt at all we have to act in the best interests of humanity. With that in mind, can you seriously say you doubt our decision?"

I turn to face the source of the question and come face to face with Shiro Tokita, the man who has been staring at me with a large amount of disdain since I arrived. There is a smugness to his voice that triggers some anger within me, I already seriously dislike him.

"Yes, I do because I don't believe he is a threat to humanity."

"Hmph, an Ikari willing to put the world at risk for their own desires, like fa-"

"Enough!" The man in charge interrupts him sharply as I feel myself tense up. This man was about to mention my father and compare me to him, he's trying to anger me and it's working. I try to calm myself as the chairman speaks, "I would ask that people maintain some form of calm during today's meeting and remember who we are. I would also ask that Shinji is offered the respect that he deserves."

Tokita falls silent but I feel more intensity from his gaze now, the other woman in the room seems to have backed away. I wonder just what sort of impression I've made, am I doing a good job or have I already messed this up. I can't help but think about how Asuka is or has done, she has a much shorter temper than I do.

Another woman now speaks up, the representative from the United Kingdom. She is more softly spoken than the others who have spoken up so far, "Perhaps it would be more useful if we could hear more from Shinji about Mr Nagisa. Starting from the time you met him, our own information is quite sparse concerning those events. Please, can you tell us how you met Mr. Nagisa."

I nod my head as I take a moment to try to recall those moments as best I can. It has been some time since I have thought about those moments in full. I have thought about little parts here and there, I've had nightmares about those times but I usually avoid thinking about it. I can't avoid it today, I need to confront this part of my past if I am to help Kaworu and Asuka.

I wonder just how much they do know at this point, if I should tell them everything or keep the details loose and fill them in if they need me to. There was so much happening at that moment in time, Asuka was in the hospital, Rei had been killed and brought back in her third body, I couldn't face Misato and the city had been evacuated.

I settle on just my meeting with Kaworu, "I met him by chance. It was... not too long after the battle with the sixteenth Angel."

"Were you alone when you met him?" She asks me.

I nod, "Yes. I was near to one of the lakes in the Geofront."

"Where was everyone else?"

"Asuka was... currently in the hospital, I do not know where Rei was and Misato was busy working." I reply, trying to give as honest an answer as I can.

"So, you were completely alone at the lakeside, what happened next?"

"I was standing looking out over the water and then I heard someone humming a tune. I turned around and then I saw Kaworu. He was sat on top of one of the statues that had fallen into the water. He introduced himself to me."

She nods her head, "When you met Nagisa, would you say there was anything unusual about him?"

I shake my head, "No... I wouldn't."

Once again, I feel the states of the committee on me and I feel a brief moment of embarrassment. I've spoken about my meeting with Kaworu very rarely and most of those times were responding to others. When I look back on that first meeting I do wonder why I didn't notice anything being off about him. He appeared so quickly, he knew things about me and the way he spoke was so unusual.

Maybe I did notice these things but... I was so depserate for friendship and someone to care about me I just didn't care about them.

"Absolutely nothing at all?" Tokita addresses me again, "You were a trained Evangelion pilot, the savior of humanity and you couldn’t sense anything unusual about him? How was this possible? Either you are lying or not quite as sma-"

I begin to open my mouth to reply to him but before I can say anything the chairman speaks once more, "Let us remember Shiro that whilst Shinji was a trained Evangelion pilot he was not trained to weed out and investigate people. He was also a teenager and under a lot of stress and pressure at this time. He had just witnessed a friend's death and almost losing a second friend. I know myself that teenagers are not always the most observant of people under regular conditions."

His comment raises a small chucken from some members of the room but not from Tokita who just continues to glare at me.

"Therefore, I think it is fair to cut Shinji some slack in this situation."

"I did... notice something unusual about him when I met him." I speak up after Tokita falls silent. I wonder if saying this is a mistake but perhaps honesty will help, "He looked... well he reminded me a bit of Rei who I had found out wasn't... human not too long before that. I... guess I didn't think anything of it though. People can... look different, so I didn't see why that mattered."

"Quite a mature outlook for someone so young." The woman from before nods, "Was there anything else?"

I nod, "Yes, he kept on using the word Lilin which I thought was... odd."

"Lilin?" Tokita speaks again, much to my annoyance, "And this did not raise a red flag? The connection between Lilin and Lilith?"

I shake my head, "No, I... I didn't know what it meant. I thought that because he had come from oversears that it was just a foreign word. Asuka used German words all the time in front of me."

"But by that point you were aware of Lilith, so the connection must have been obvious."

"No, at that time I didn't know about Lilith." I reply, "I had seen it but I didn't know..."

"It seems, Mr Ikari, that there are a number of things that you do not know, nor were you aware of. How therefore, can we take you seriously during this discussion?" Tokita cuts me off and glares at me. I don't feel any intimidation from him, more just irritated and I really do wonder if I have done something wrong to him or if this is just how he is."

"Shiro..." The woman from before speaks up again, "You know just as well as I do that NERV kept a vast number of secrets and gave out misinformation all the time. Shinji will have been a victim of this as well."

"indeed!" The man to Tokita's right speaks up, he reminds me a bit of Kaji, "It is pointless to berate him for not knowing something which he had no means to know. Besides we are not here to find out what he knew about NERVs inner workings, we are here to discuss Nagisa. So, let's hear more about that, what was he like when you met him?"

**Berlin – UN Embassy – Meeting Room – Asuka Langley Soryu**

Nine pairs of eyes are staring at me right now. I feel like some small prey being circled by a pack of wolves. It makes me uneasy, I know it’s a complete different situation but the idea of me fighting alone against a group of foes... It’s difficult to not be reminded of that fight.

I take a quick look around to try to put myself at ease. I try to gauge my foes, some of them look friendly, maybe even sympathetic to me and some of them seem to be not so friendly. In particular, the man named Tokita, is staring at me with such intensity I’d think he was trying to burn a hole through me. Already I get the feeling that he is going to be the one I have to be care with.

I remind myself one more time that I have to get through this and remain calm. No matter what these people throw at me, no matter how personal they get I have to keep calm and not lose my temper. If I do then this is all over, regardless of what Shinji accomplishes.

“So Ms Soryu.” The chairman begins to speak, “It is the committees understanding that would would like to challenge our decision regarding Mr. Nagisa in hopes of reversing it. Is that correct?”

“Yes, it is.” I reply instantly, nodding my head with some confidence.

“in which case, let us begin. Does anyone have anything to start off with?”

I decide the best from of defense is a good offence and get straight on the attack before any of them have the chance to speak, “You are all wrong about him. You are wrong in thinking he is a threat to anyone.”

I see some of them look at me in surprise at how I’ve spoken up straight away. I like that, I want them to be surprised, you think you know Asuka Langley Soryu? You don’t, you don’t know the real her. I’m not surprised to hear one or two of them scoff at my words, I’m sure Tokita was one of them. I can still feel his eyes on me, and I’m tempted to turn around to him and ask him just what his problem is. Maybe I should charge him a viewing fee.

“The person you think Kaworu is, that Angel that tried to attack NERV years ago... it isn’t really him.” I continue to speak, “He knows what he was. He knows what he did and he admits his guilt. He regrets his actions, actions that you all know were born from manipulation of other parties. Now that they no longer exist he is his own person, in addition... he doesn’t have any of his abilities as an Angel that he used to.”

I trail off and the room goes silent. I see them exchange a few glances and wonder who will be next to speak. Actually, I already know who is going to speak and sure enough after only a few seconds more he opens his mouth.

“Well... Those are some strong words Soryu.” Tokita speaks, I don’t even get a ‘Ms Soryu’ from him, what a prick, “But I would like to ask you how much you really know about Nagisa. We, for instance, know that Nagisa was capable of manipulation. He manipulated the younger Ikari and many at NERV. Could it not just be that you too are being manipulated?”

He looks at me with a smug confidence, almost as if his question has caught me off guard. I simply turn to him, “No, Kaworu is not manipulating me.”

“And you are sure of this because?”

A part of me wants to say that I wouldn’t allow myself to be manipulated but it feels like a flimsy answer. In truth I’m not sure what I can say to that. It’s just an attempt to make me doubt myself or slip up. Anything I say will be followed with ‘Yeah, but how can you be sure?’ Any doubt on my part gives them a victory. I’m not planning on losing.

Instead I go for a different tactic. I hate talking about myself, my feelings and my life but these people probably know more about me than I can remember. They will appreciate the impact this has.

“Because I love him.”

As I expect, Tokita doesn’t seem moved or bothered by my answer. Why should he? He probably doesn’t give a crap about it. I do however see a few people exchange glances, I can’t imagine the news about my relationship with Kaworu is a surprise to them but to hear me vocalize it might mean something.

“Each one of you probably has access to my records, to all of my psychological evaluations and reports from base commanders. That should be enough to tell you why what I have just said is important. If I had any doubts at all about Kaworu then I wouldn’t love him.”

“I fail to see how love proves any-”

“Leaving love aside...” The chairman clears his throat and cuts Tokita off, “I do not feel this line of questioning will get us anywhere. We are not hear to discuss Ms. Soryus love life, rather we are here to discuss Mr. Nagisa. Now, in your own time Ms. Soryu can you please tell us about your first meeting with Mr. Nagisa?”

“Gladly.” I nod my head and turn away from Tokita. I feel like I’ve won some minor victory against him but this is just the beginning. I can’t let myself become too cocky now, “It was a few months ago. I was heading to a small café near my old apartment. He was coming out of it and we collided with each other.”

I hear a small laugh at my comment. I suppose it is funny, not too many relationships start with a literal collision. The person who did laugh looks towards me, a young man, quite handsome actually and somewhat disheveled addresses me, “Did you know that this person was Kaworu Nagisa when you bumped into him.”

I shake my head, “No I didn’t.”

A woman across from him turns to me, “You didn’t recognize him at all? Nagisa has quite a distinct appearance and is a former Evangelion pilot. There was no recognition?”

Once again, I shake my head, “No, I didn’t. I had no idea who he was. When he was at NERV I was... incapacitated. I had heard there was a replacement but no one had really filled me in on the exact details.”

“Curious.” She muses, “Why did no one tell you of these things?”

I find myself becoming slightly irritated at her questions, they all must have known what I did... what I tried to do around that time. Why is it so difficult to believe I didn’t know who he was. Still, I suppose they probably expect me to have been told or have even seen him before.

“No one told me because those were not pleasant times for me nor the rest of my friends. We prefer to not speak of them, however right or wrong that may be. I didn’t know who Kaworu was, I had never met him before I went to NERV nor did I even know there was going to be a fifth child.”

She nods and seems satisfied by my answer. I wonder if this was just a test for me to pass, to make sure what I said lines up with what she knows. A couple of moments later the man from before speaks, “So after this, what happened next?”

I can’t help but smile as I recall those moments, “I didn’t recognize him but he did recognize me. He took one look at me and ran away. He was terrified of me, he thought I’d recognize him and hurt him. I didn’t find out who he was until the next day when I saw Rei.”

“This is Rei Ayanami, correct?” I hear another one of them ask.

“Yes.” I reply.

“And what was it Rei told you about him?”

“She told me who he was and that he was the fifth child. She warned me that he was the final Angel and had been sent to NERV by SEELE. She told me all about what had happened between him and Shinji and warned me to stay away from him.”

The all exchange glances, some of them make notes. Tokita returns to his smug smile, once again looking like he has gotten exactly what he wanted.

“So, Rei Ayanami beleives him to be dangerous?”

“Believed.” I fire back, “She believed him to be dangerous based on what she knew of him and what he used to be. She has since changed her views.”

“And yet I do not see her here before us, nor does she seem to have lent her support to yourself or the younger Ikari in this matter. I therefore have to wonder what her true feelings are.” He speaks as I resist the urge to reach over the table and slap him.

He knows why Rei isn’t here, we were only allowed two people to plead our case and that was both me and Shinji. He’s just trying to wind me up and confuse the matter. They all know why Rei isn’t here.

The woman from before seems to have ignored Tokita, “Despite the warnings from Ms. Ayanami, you visited Nagisa anyway though?”

“Yup.”

“Can you tell us why?” She asks, “Were you not frightened of him after what you had been told?”

I shake my head, “No, not at all. I kept in mind what Rei had told me, I was prepared for something to happen but I guess... I was intrigued more than anything. The person she had described was not the same as the one I had bumped into. After all, if he was this evil and powerful being then why would he run from me?”

I pause for a moment, “I know myself how much people can change so... I thought I'd take a look for myself. Besides he had... dropped some documents when he ran into me. I figured they were important so wanted to give them back to him.”

“And what sort of documents were these?” Tokita barks at me.

“They were application forms to help him get a license to teach music.” I reply calmly, “It’s something he does every Monday.”

The chairman nods and smile, “Indeed, this is something we are all aware of. Some of the paperwork had to be approved by us when he went through the process, nothing major just ensuring there was no risk.”

I continue to tell my story, “When I arrived at his apartment he took one look at me and nearly slammed the door in my face. He was terrified of me, he thought I was there to hurt him. I, of course, was not there to hurt him and tried to explain that to him. I finally got him to calm down and he invited me into his apartment.”

“So, he got you into his apartment.” I hear Tokita say darkly, as if me going into Kaworu’s apartment was part of some grand plan, “And he did not try to do anything to me?”

I shoot him a glare, “Believe me, if he had have tried something then he would have had something to fear. So, no, Kaworu did not try anything. He was a perfect gentleman.”

I turn away from Tokita, “He was still scared of me as I went in there. When I got in, I saw his apartment was empty aside from a few small bits and pieces. Essentials and a small keyboard. I guess... I felt bad for him, he had been back for all those months but it seemed like he wasn’t living a life. So, I invited him out to a concert.”

“interesting.” The scruffy guy from before speaks, “So this was the first proper meeting between the two of you. What happened in the weeks that followed?”

**Tokyo 2 – UN Embassy – Meeting Room – Shinji Ikari**

“Kaworu was... kind to me.” I tell them, my eyes remain glued to the table, “He seemed nice and I actually felt... comfortable around him.”

“So, would you say there was a romantic attachment there?” Tokita asks me.

I feel my cheeks glow red immediately at him asking but I try to not show that his question has bothered me. I turn and glare at him, I can see the smugness on his face as he looks back at me for a reply. I wonder if he is being this was or was this way with Asuka as well, I only hope she can stay calm with him.

“I asked you a question Ikari.” Tokita prompts me like some teacher talking down to a student.

“I’m not quite sure how relevant this is.” I hear one of the other men opposite him suddenly speak as I struggle to find some sort of answer. In a way I want to be honest about this, I want to tell them the truth about how I felt for Kaworu but I’ve never really told anyone how I felt. The truth is that, yes, despite barely knowing him I did feel something for him.

I felt something for Kaworu, I liked the way he looked, I liked the way he smiled, I liked the way he spoke and I could see myself in his arms. There was only one other person I could see myself with and who I felt that way for, and that was Asuka.

“This line of questioning is relevant because I would like to establish Ikari’s motives for doing this. A potential romantic interest means we can bring into question the truth of Ikari’s statements, after all love can make us act strange, can it not?”

“Yes!” I cut him off because he can say anything else. I shift my gaze again towards Tokita and glare at him, “Yes, I did feel something for him. I was attracted to him.”

“Interesting, and would you say you still have those feelings now?” He asks me.

I shake my head, “I don’t know, my feelings are complicated.”

“Well can I perhaps ask, have you spoken to Nagisa since he has returned?”

I nod, “Once, it... did not go well. We weren’t ready to speak.”

“I see, so then you will not know about his ongoing romance with your former colleague I assume?”

My stomach drops immediately on hearing him say those words. I don’t even need him to speak them again, I heard them clearly and from the look on his face I don’t think he is making it up. I keep my gaze locked on him as my body reacts in other ways. I try to not sure what he has said affected me but I can feel it, my stomach is churning, the sweat on my body and my legs are shaking.

Asuka... and Kaworu? They are together? It... It can’t be true... can it? T-They have been spending a lot of time together and Asuka was very keen to help him. I... They never told me... No one told me... Asuka didn’t tell me and Rei... Does Rei know? S-She... She must have done, she knew Asuka more than anyone recently.

“I take it from your silence that you were not aware of this fact?” Tokita asks me, snapping me away from my thoughts.

“N-No... I wasn’t.”

“Tokita!” The man opposite him speaks again, “Where are you going with this, this is hardly relevant to what we are doing.”

“Oh, I think it is.” Tokita replies, “It is documented that Ikari had feelings for Ms. Soryu and you all just heard it yourself that he had interest in Nagisa too. Perhaps his actions here today were just in hope of pleasing one of them in an attempt to rekindle that. Perhaps now that he is aware of the truth we can see honesty from him.”

I want to run. I want to throw up. I want to vanish from here and never be a part of this again. A part fo me even wants to laugh at the absurdity of this situation. Asuka and Kaworu... they’re a couple and I didn’t know.

There is an awkward silence in the room, no one else here seems to be sure of what to say, Tokita is looking at me, his lips turned upwards in a victorious smile. I hate him. I want to reach out and punch him. I take a few deep breaths, I can't hide that this has bothered me. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and Tokita knows it. He knew what that would do to me.

So, what do I do now? Do I just walk away from this? Do I just give up? Why am I even doing this? To help Kaworu, was that really the reason or was it for Asuka? I had... I had thought that being back in contact with Asuka... maybe there was a chance. I... I love Asuka, I love her so much. I want her to be happy. Nagisa... do I love him? I can't say, I love what I thought he was but I don’t know who he is now. Still... he deserves to be happy too.

Both of them deserve to be happy, just like I do. I feel awful, I feel rotten and maybe even betrayed. It would be so easy for me to turn around now and leave this room. To tell them to do what they want with Kaworu but... what would that gain? Would that make me feel any better? Of course, it wouldn’t! It’d just prove that side of me that tells me I’m awful right.

That... That would be something that my father would do. He’d turn away if he couldn’t get what he wanted but... I’m not him. Asuka and Kaworu... if they’re together then... so be it, I don’t have a right to be with Asuka. I love her... I want her to be happy and if she is happy with him then I am fine with that. I will deal with it.

I take a final deep breath before looking at Tokita’s stupid smug face one last time. I feel a confidence build up inside of me that I’ve not felt before, “I did not know about that but... it changes nothing. I am not doing this because of my feelings for those people. I believe Kaworu has changed, I believe he is a good person and I don’t think anyone is at risk. People can change. The people I know now... they aren’t the people they used to be. Misato... Rei... Asuka and even me... we’re all different, we’ve all changed and... I think Kaworu has as well.”

“Well that is all well and good...” Tokita starts to reply, he seems slightly taken aback by my reply, “Neither of you were former Angels tasked with destroying mankind. Everything you have just said is inconsequential, it is pure belief and nothing concrete. This is pointless, it is pure emotion and feelings from someone who clearly isn’t thinking clearly. Chairman, I suggest we end this.”

I sit in silence as I listen to his tirade and begin to question my own actions. Have I actually made a mistake in what I have said? Is he right, is everything I have said based on emotion and belief? That is true, I don’t really know Kaworu has changed. I don’t know anything really, Asuka asked me to help and I said I would but... I don’t really know anything. I don’t even know how to feel right now, I’m still in shock after finding out about the two of them.

When I think about it, they could be right. What if Kaworu is still dangerous? What if he is still an Angel but we just don’t know it yet. He could be really good at hiding it, he might not even know it himself. What if I’m making a mistake here? I...

“I am still not convinced.” A woman directly next to the chairman speaks. I think out of all the people on the table she is the only one who has not yet said anything outside of the initial introduction.

She seems stern, her eyes piercing and commanding. Tokita falls silent immediately on her speaking and she locks her eyes onto mine.

“Shinji, first of all thank you for being honest in regards to your feelings for Nagisa. I know such a thing will have been quite difficult. Not only due to his status but also due to certain attitudes in society but your honest does actually help us. I also apologize for any pain the recent revelation might have caused you.”

She flashes a look at Tokita as she says that, it seems him revealing that little bit about Asuka and Kaworu has not impressed her and I wonder if all of these people are on the same page.

“If you can, I would like you to continue telling us about Nagisa when you met him back then. What sort of person he was before you knew he was an Angel and anything you felt about him when you did find out. Even if you feel it is inconsequential it might help.”

I nod, “Okay.”

“So, you met Nagisa by the side of a lake, you have already told us this much. I presume you spent most of the day with him after that, can you please tell us what you did during that day.”

I nod and try to push out the thoughts of that revelation and instead focus on what is important. I’m going to help them, I am going to help Kaworu. I’m not going to run away, he needs me to help him.

“We had to perform a sync test not long after we first met. That went smoothly but I saw Misato and the others seemed concerned. I didn’t think anything of it though, after the test we went to get changed and have a shower. T-There wasn’t a lot to do in the city anymore, half of it had been destroyed and pretty much everyone was gone.”

“You did not return to your own home first?” She asks me, her voice softening.

I shake my head, “N-No... I... I was avoiding it as much as I could. It just made me unhappy being there plus... Misato was always at NERV and Asuka was in the hospital. There was nothing there for me so... I was happy to spend time with Kaworu,”

“When you were with Nagisa did the two fo you discuss NERV, did you maybe tell him anything that might have... unintentionally helped him?”

I take a moment to think about our conversations, it is strange but I can still recall most of the details of that day to easily. Finally, I shake my head, “No, he... he seemed more interested in me personally. He wanted to know about me and my friends, he asked me about my father. I... I told him, it was so easy to open up to him. I didn’t feel like he was judging me for anything I said he just... listened to me.”

“i see.” She nods, her expression has softened a little bit when it comes to me. Everyone else in the room seems to have taken a backseat to allow her to speak, even the chairman seems completely silent, “So after spending the night with him, what happened next?”

My eyes wander to the table and I reach out to my cup to take a sip of water as the memories of those moments come back to me. I look around to see the other council members looking at me with some curiosity, aside from Tokita.

“In your own time Shinji.” She prompts me.

I take a deep breath, “I woke up when the alarms were going off. I noticed straight away Kaworu wasn’t in his bed. I... I didn’t know why but I just thought he had gone on ahead to take on the Angel and not woke me up. I put on my clothes and rushed to Eva Unit 01... When I got there... I was told that he was the Angel.”

“And how did that make you feel?”

Not quite as bad as finding out the two people you love are in a relationship, my mind quips as I prepare a response.

“I... I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it.” I admit, “Kaworu couldn’t have been the Angel, he was... so nice but... it was true even if I didn’t want it to be. So, I was sent to fight him. When I caught up with him he was floating down towards the lower depths of NERV, he... had an A.T. Field and was somehow controlling Unit 02.”

“So, he had considerable power?”

I nod, “Yes, I would say so.”

“And when you caught up with him did he say anything to you?”

“Yes.” I tell them, “He... He admitted he was an Angel, he told me what the A.T. Field was and I chased him... towards...”

I drop off and look around the room wondering how much I should reveal. Many parts of this I’ve never revealed to anyone. I’ve generally been told to never speak of these moments before but am I safe here? They knew about Lilith so they probably know.

The chairman nods, “It is fine, we know about the lower levels of NERV and Lilith.”

I give him a dry smile, “Kaworu approached Lilith and then stopped. He gave me time to catch up to him after I had stopped Unit 02 and then he spoke to me again.”

It hurts me so much to think about that day. I knew I would have had to but I didn’t realize how much it would hurt. At the same time, I didn’t expect to learn about Kaworu and Asuka, that isn’t helping me but... I have to fight it. I’m going to let them know that Kaworu isn’t a threat.

“Why did he wait for you? Could he not have just gone ahead and completed his task?” Another person in the room asks me.

“Kaworu was... not there for Lilith and he realized he had been lied to as well. He... said that I should be the one to live and not him... He... understood something that I didn’t and I... still don’t really understand but he...”

My voice starts to tremble as I speak and I swallow down the lump that has formed in my throat. I killed a person on that day, I killed a person and... I’ve never been able to come to terms with it. I’ve never wanted to remember it. I hate remembering it. Why have I agreed to this? Why do I have to feel this? It’s all... too much. I want to run away but... I’m not going to, I won’t run, I won't cry, not here. Not in front of these people and especially not in front of Tokita.

“Kaworu let me kill him... He wanted humanity to live on. He sacrficied himself because he couldn’t find any other way. I... I don’t think he really wanted to destroy us, when I saw him he was questioning whether humanity really had to die.” I look around the room, “If he was still an Angel now... If he still wanted that he could have done it.”

I take a moment to make sure I'm composed, “I know you all fear him. I know what it is like to be scared but... I don’t think he ever wanted to hurt anyone and I don’t think he does now. I don’t think we should fear him. I... I’m not scared of him and I... I want to see him... so that I can tell him I forgive him. Please... don’t let your fear get in the way of his life.”

**Berlin – UN Embassy – Meeting Room – Asuka Langley Soryu**

“Nothing at first, we went to the concert and would message each other a bit. It was only a few weeks later that we started to spend more time together.” I answer him before turning my gaze towards the chairman.

“Did he ask you or did you ask him to see each other again?”

“Neither.” I turn to the source of the voice, “I don’t think any of us had the nerve to ask one another despite wanting to. The next time I saw him was after the goons' you people had ‘protecting’ him decided to beat him up.”

I look and see the smile fade from the face of the chairman, he looks regretful. Good, so he should, all of these people should feel regret at that.

“Yes, that is something which... I think we all regret.” He speaks slowly, “It will be of no solace to yourself or Mr. Nagisa but our screening process has improved and we will continue to do so in the future.”

“You’re right, it isn’t of solace to me but I’m sure Kaworu would feel better at that.” I bite back, perhaps I shouldn’t have sounded so harsh but thinking about that incident makes my blood boil. I can still remember how he looked when I went to his apartment, I felt so bad, so powerless and all he could do was blame himself.

It does however give me something, “This does raise a point, if Kaworu was, what some of you think he was then do you not think he would have defended himself?”

“Hah.” Tokita smirks at me, “It is something that has been considered but perhaps Nagisa did not want to reveal himself as of yet. Remember we are not just discussing the possibility that he is still an Angel, we are also discussing the possibility that he is still in contact with SEELE. Your point has already been considered and dismissed.”

I really want to punch his stupid, idiotic and smug face but I can’t help but feel he has brought up a good point. This whole thing, it hinges on uncertainty, how do we know he is or how do we know he isn’t. The truth is we don’t, just like I could be an Angel but not know it or Shinji could be. How can I fight back against something like that?

All I know is I believe in Kaworu. I believe he isn’t a threat and I want them to see that. I mean, the guy can hardly put on a pair of pants without stumbling over, how can he possibly be a threat?

“True.” I concede, “But then if he was still in league with someone like SEELE would they have allowed such an attack? Surely, they would not have wanted their agent to come to any harm. Those people you had were highly trained, they knew how to kill someone. It was a risk.”

He simply shakes his head, “Again that is irrelevant. Nagisa was attacked and managed to run away. Yes, it could have been worse but it wasn’t. Considering who Nagisa is, I’d say he was lucky.”

“And what exactly do you mean by that?” I feel my hand slam down hard against the table, pain shoots up the side and I wonder for a moment if perhaps I’ve damaged something. I don’t let them see any pain on my face, “Are you suggesting he deserved it?”

“Not at all.” He waves a condescending finger in front of my face, “I’m just suggesting that, like you, if could have been a lot worse. I mean, considering who Nagisa is, it is difficult to blame certain parties for feeling they have to take action. Perhaps those men thought they were protecting us.”

I’m about to get to my feet when suddenly a woman to the right of the Chairman speaks up, “I feel that we have spent long enough on this. Tokita, your men were in the wrong for what happened and have been punished accordingly, there is no justification for that shameful attack. Ms. Soryu, we apologize to yourself and Nagisa for what happened.”

I look again at Tokita, did I hear her correctly? They were... his men? Did he put them in place to watch over Nagisa? It’s not worth thinking about now, I can find out later.

“Ms. Soryu.” The woman speaks again, “It is quite clear to us that you feel strongly about Nagisa’s current state. We would like to establish more of a timeline regarding Nagisa. What happened after that incident?”

“We spent a lot more time together and got to know each other more.” I answer calmly, the rage fading away from me slowly.

“Of course, and what did the two of you do?”

I give a small shrug, “Usual things that friends do I guess. We watched movies together, listened to list and played video games. We just enjoyed spending time with each other.”

“So, when you were with him, did you ever feel threatened by him?”

I shake my head, “No, absolutely not. Kaworu always seemed to be frightened of me. He was... afraid of a lot of things, the attack didn’t help that either.”

“And did you ever notice anything... unusual about him?” She asks, “Did he ever vanish for an amount of time? Was he ever hard to contact?”

Again, I shake my head, “I never had a problem contacting him if I wanted to, as far as vanishing went, he might have went for a walk around the local area but that stopped after the attack. Aside from that he didn’t really do a lot, it wasn’t really until I showed up that he started to do new things.”

“You alluded before to the state of his apartment when you arrived. Can you expand on that?” She asks me.

I nod, “When I first went into his apartment he had nothing but the essentials in there. He had food, a television, a keyboard and something to play music on. He had only been back for a few months and he didn’t really know anything about the world. He didn’t really know what to do, like I said he was alive but he wasn’t really living a life.”

“I suppose this made you feel bad for him?”

I nod again, “Of course, after everything that happened to me I... I recognized some of what he was going through. I had seen it happen with Rei as well and... well Shinji too.”

“So, after this when did you both take it from a friendship to being something more?”

I can see her making notes with each one of my answers and I wonder what exactly she is thinking. It’s hard to gauge her, she seems to be giving very little, if anything away. I don’t know if what I’m saying is good or bad.

“It was a few weeks after the attack, Kaworu had invited me to his apartment for dinner.” i start to explain, “I... Something happened whilst I was there and I ended up kissing him. I guess from there we realized we were more than friends. It wasn’t really traditional.”

“It rarely is.” She remarks, “I think I’ve asked all I need to for now. Thank you.”

The room now falls silence, is this the end of it? I look between them all as they all make notes. What do I do now? Have they made up their minds or do I still have some time left? I wonder how this is going to go, no, I know how this is going to go. They’re going to go away and tell me they’ve reverse their decision and Kaworu will be able to come with me to Japan.

“Ms. Soryu, I just had a few questions about you.” One of the men to my left suddenly starts to speak, “It’s just regarding your service record. It would be fair to say that you had something of a troubled upbringing, am I correct?”

I nod my head slowly, I don’t like where this is going already. What does my upbringing have to do with this?

“I know this might not seem relevant to you but we do want to explore all possibilities here. It’s a sensitive issue so we would ask for your cooperation. Now, you were put into the Evangelion project from a young age, in fact it could probably be said that you were put into it as soon as you were born?”

“Yes, that is true.” I nod again, “I was around the age of four when I was ‘selected’”

“Our records do state that when it came to certain aspects of your training you were exceptional. You were remarkable in your studies, in fact I believe you managed to obtain a college degree at the age of 13.”

I nod proudly, “Yes, my tutors thought I was very advanced for my age and I was convinced to study at that level.”

“Quite a remarkable achievement for a young girl, you must have been proud.”

I was proud, keyword being was but when I look back on it I was miserable. What did my degree get me? All it was, was another weapon I could use to inform people how much better I was than they were. What did it get me, aside from allowing me to feel more isolated from others? Proud? Not a chance.

“Whilst you excelled in these areas, your record shows that there were difficulties in other places. I think it would be fair to say you were something of a… problem child.”

I look at him and give an embarrassed smile, “I was… a bit of a handful. I admit that much, what is your point?”

“His point…. I believe.” Tokita does not give the man a chance to speak, “Is that you had a problem with authority. We know how you berated your colleagues and your superiors, how you often defied orders in training and treated your guardians poorly. It is of course understandable that someone in your position would have lashed out.”

He pauses for a moment, “Revenge against those who wronged you, it’s understandable and with Nagisa you have an opportunity to take revenge against a world that wronged you. How can we know that you are simply not just covering for him, or are even in league with him?”

I feel my hand clench into a fist at his words but I manage to restrain myself. That is what he wants, he wants me to lash out. Any moment where I slip will just give him a victory, I won’t give him the satisfaction.

I reply to him, as calmly as I can but unable to keep the snarl out of my voice, “Whatever happened in my past is in my past. I’ve done as much as I can to move away from that and the hideous wreck of a person I used to be. Yes, I do hate a lot of those people, the ones who saw me as a tool and nothing else. The ones who aided in murdering my mother but those people… SEELE were among them, and they’re long gone now.”

I turn towards the chairman and look him firmly in the eyes. I’m done here, I have nothing more to say, “I have told you all everything I have to tell you. Kaworu is no threat to me, no threat to any of you or this world. If you refuse to believe me then so be it, you can live with your foolish mistake. I’m done here.”


	18. Waiting To Happen

**Tokyo 2 – UN Embassy – Shinji Ikari**

My hand tightly grips the sides of the porcelain sink as I try to steady myself. I look up into the mirror and see my pale and shabby reflection looking back at me, I look vastly different to the person I was this morning. My suit is slightly more disheveled, my tie taken off and stuffed into my pocket, my jacket open and the top two buttons of my shirt undone.

I turn the cold tap on and lean in to splash more cold water onto my face. I rushed here immediately after that meeting. It was like some sort of trigger, the moment my feet reached the waiting room and that door closed behind me I felt the wave of nausea rush over me. My stomach clenched and I thought I was going to throw up.

I’m still not sure if I’m going to. I feel slightly better now, only slightly, after taking these 5-10 minutes to cool myself down but I don’t want to leave the room just in case. It was all just too much for me, the heat of the room got to me followed by all the things they were saying and the pressure put on me. It was all too much.

I look at my face again, beads of sweat and water trickling down. My eyes look tired, I’m exhausted and it’s not even halfway through the day yet. They... They did this, one meeting did this to me, I have a whole new respect for people like Misato and Fuyutsuki who interact with these sorts of people all the time.

Events from the meeting roll through my mind, the questioning of me, of Kaworu, of my sexuality and then of course Tokita telling me about Asuka and Kaworu. My heart sinks when I think of the two of them together. I didn’t... I never thought... No... It doesn’t matter.

I breathe deeply a couple more times, trying to clear my mind and steady my trembling hands. I lift them from the sides of the sink and start to make my way towards the exit of the bathroom. I think... I think I’ll be alright now. I’ll get myself a bottle of water and go home. I’ll sleep, I don’t want to do anything else but sleep.

“SHINJI!”

I’m barely three steps out of the bathroom before I hear a loud voice calling my name. I turn towards its source and see a worries Misato rushing towards me. I prepare myself but thankfully she slows down moments before colliding with me, she pulls me into a warm and gentle hug. I don’t resist it, instead I allow myself to melt into her and bring my arms up around her back. I bury my face into her shoulder.

“Oh Shinji, are you okay?”

It starts, I was keeping it together until now but her being her like this and doing this, it starts it. I shake my head and pull Misato tighter to me. I can’t stop it from happening, I promised myself I wouldn’t cry here, I’m supposed to be an adult but I can’t help it. The tears well up in my eyes and I let out a muffled sob into her shoulder as she calmly strokes my back.

“Shinji I... I saw everything! I had no idea, I’m so sorry.”

Again, I say nothing, just allowing myself to remain in her warmth for a few more moments. I let myself get some of that emotion inside of me out. When I finally do pull away from her I find myself face to face with her worried eyes. She has a small smile on her face and reaches into her handbag to pull out a small tissue for me to use.

I mumble and embarrassed thank you as I gaze from the watch patch my tears have made on her suit jacket back to her. I begin to wipe my eyes and she guides me towards a seat and sits me down. We remain still, her hand on mine, gently squeezing it for comfort. It takes another minute before I feel I can actually speak again.

“Y-You... s-saw everything?” I stutter out, my body still trembling slightly. I haven’t been like this in a while, I guess being there, trying to be that strong person for that amount of time had a bigger toll on me than I expected.

Misato simply nods but I see anger in her eyes, “Yeah, they hooked up a video feed for me and Rei to watch it on. I think Fuyutsuki was watching it in Germany as well. I... I’m sorry you had to go through any of that, I can’t imagine how tough it must have been.”

I let out a small laugh, “You... You dealt with helping us and sorting out NERV after Third Impact. You spoke for us, you must have some idea.”

She smiles again, “True but... In not one of those meetings did I... Well In none of them was my personal life questioned...”

She pauses for a moment, “Okay well... they did have questions! I just... it was different. I was... I was prepared for it, the questions they had were the faults I already knew about myself. My drinking, my neglect of the pilots and my actions. I didn’t... find out the person I loved was with another. What Tokita said and did... it was below the belt Shinji.”

I look up at the wall opposite us as I try to go back through the meeting. It all seems like a blur but Tokita does stand out for me. From the very start of the meeting through to the end he seemed to have it in for me. Not only that but he seemed to actually enjoy my discomfort when he told me about Asuka and Kaworu. What did I ever do to him? Why was he like that?

“Who... is that guy?” I ask Misato, “I mean... I know he is the Japanese representative on the council but... why did he hate me?”

“By all accounts he is an unpleasant man to anyone who comes across him but... there is some history there.” She begins to explain, “I've only dealt with him once before, a long time ago before he got himself involved with these sorts of politics.”

“When?” I ask.

“Do you remember the Jet Alone project?” She asks me, “It was around the time you first started living with me, you would not have met him but I did. I didn’t recognize him at first to be honest but then certain things started to fall into place.”

I cast my mind back as best as I can before nodding, “Yeah... that was the big robot thing, right?”

I can remember it pretty clearly. It wasn’t long after I had started living in Tokyo-3. It was after me and Rei had beaten the fifth Angel, Misato had to go on a business trip for it. At the time I was frustrated with her, I thought she was lazy and a slob and I think to be fair she was. I thought I hated it but in a way,  she was showing me a reflection of the real her, that she thought of me as family she would let me see that side of her she wouldn’t show others.

It was still frustrating though. The ‘real her’ could still have learned to clean up after themselves.

Misato nods again, “It was. The Jet Alone was supposed to be an alternative to the Evangelion. It was supposed to be better and more capable than the Eva’s. Internal nuclear power and piloted by an onboard computer or remotely. It was an expensive recipe for disaster. As you saw it all went wrong and Tokita has harbored a grudge against anything NERV related since. He even stuck his nose in efforts to compensate you all!”

I shake my head, “Why? I mean, it wasn’t NERVs fault that his stupid robot fai-”

As I speak I trail off to see Misato looking somewhat sheepish. She looks at me and shrugs, “Actually... It was. I suspected something had happened after the incident, the timing was too perfect. I found like later that your father with the help of Ritsuko and someone else had arranged to sabotage it. Tokita doesn’t know this but... well he suspects it.”

I let out a sigh as Misato puts her arm around my shoulder again. So that explains why Tokita had it out for me during that meeting. He hates me because of what my father did. I suspect because I helped stop the thing he probably blames me for it. Just another thing my father did that I’m paying for.

My mind turns to the things he said and I look up at Misato, “Was... what he said about Asuka and Kaworu true?”

Misato nods again and sighs, “Yes... I asked Rei and she confirmed it. She felt... really bad about not telling you but I told her she shouldn’t.”

Misato pauses, “That was... something I wanted to talk to you about actually. You... like the two of them, don’t you?”

There is no teasing in her voice like there usually is when she asks questions about my love life. She is seriously, scarily serious.

“Yeah... I do...”

“I see...” She pauses again, “So... are you mad at them for this.”

I shake my head, “No... I’m not mad... how can I be? They met and became friends I... I can’t be mad at them for that. It... It does hurt but... it’s been years since I saw Asuka and even more since I saw Kaworu. I don’t have a right to be in a relationship with any of them.”

Misato’s arm tightens around me, “You’re much more mature than I would have been, I’d probably be sinking my seventh can of beer around now and smashed up the coffee table as well.”

I laugh, “I don’t like beer and besides... that was an expensive coffee table.”

It does hurt, it really hurts but mad? I can’t be mad at them. I don’t want to be mad at them. I want to do the right thing. I’m not... I’m not him. I’m not going to let my jealousy or sadness ruin other people’s lives.

I look to Misato, “Do you think I did the right thing today?”

Misato looks to be lost in thought for a moment. I know this must be quite hard for her as well. I know how she felt about Kaworu. She didn’t like the thought of him returning, I don’t think she believed he was human either but... she supported me. After a few moments she turns to look me in the eyes, “Did you... truly believe those things you said about him? That he wasn’t a threat? That he was human?”

I nod, “Y-Yeah... I did.”

Then... Yes, you did the right thing.” She answers, “You could have walked away at any moment. Even when Tokita told you about the two of them you could have easily walked away from it. You could have said you changed your mind or you were unsure but you continued and did what was right. You did the right thing Shinji, I’m... proud of you for that and you should be proud of yourself.”

Pride? It’s funny that every time someone tells me I should have pride in myself or they’re proud of me it also seems to coincide with a time I feel like I’m being torn apart. I don’t feel anything but an aching in my heart right now and a strong desire to go home. Fortunately, it looks like Misato also shares that desire, “I think we should go now. I’ll get us some ice cream on the way home to make you feel better!”

I look at her for a moment and fight an urge to shake my head. Ice cream? Is she serious? She is grinning at me, she is serious. I let out a sigh, “Misato I’m not a child... Yeah, Okay... Chocolate chip for me.”

**Berlin – UN Embassy Exterior – Asuka Langley Soryu**

I wind my foot back and line it up before letting it fly forward. I immediately regret my action as my foot makes contact with the solid steel of the skip. A loud bang echoes through the alleyway as shake my shoe off and grab my throbbing foot. Those shoes aren’t made for kicking things and those skips are not made to be kicked. I’m not going to give the stupid thing the satisfaction of hearing me scream out in pain.

Instead I bring my foot back again. I know it’s a stupid thing to do but I do it anyway and another loud thud is as foot meets steel. This time I reel back as intense, white hot pain shoots through my foot and lower leg. I lean back against a wall feeling a wave of nausea rush over me.

“D-Did things not go so well?”

I turn my head at the sound of the meek voice and see Kaworu stood at the entrance of the alleyway. He is looking at me like a lost puppy might look at its owner. His head is slightly tilted and his face showing his concern. I tenderly rub my foot as another feeling comes over me, dread at what I am going to say to him.

I fucked it up, didn’t I? I fucked everything up! Stupid. Fucking. Me!

What the hell did I expect to happen? Of course, I was going to fuck it up! That’s what Asuka Langley Soryu does! She goes in, fucks it up and fucks off. I don’t even think the invincible Shinji can save the situation now.

So now I’m left to explain the damn thing to Kaworu, the very person I was trying to help. I have to tell him that I’ve ruined his life for him.

“No!” I hiss at him angrily, “It did not go well!”

I’m about to take aim at the skip once more when he suddenly dashes forward and puts his arms around me. Both saving me from doing more damage to myself and also giving me some meagre and undeserved comfort. I struggle in his arms for a moment to keep my balance, standing with my good foot on the ground, my exposed and dirtied foot hanging precariously over the floor. I’m beyond pathetic.

“i fucked it up Kaworu.” I sigh into his shoulder, my eyes stinging with tears, “And... I think I might have broken my foot as well.”

Kaworu says nothing, instead he wraps his arms a little bit tighter around me and runs a hand through my hair. He moves to kiss me on the forehead, “You did the best you could have done Asuka. I don’t think you have done anything wrong.”

The best? The best I could have done? If that was my best then my worst must be absolutely dreadful. I pull away and see his face, he is actually smiling at me. Kaworu is smiling at me with that stupid, cute, perfect smile of his! Does he not understand what I just said? Did the idiot not hear me properly? How can be smiling.

“Kaworu you... you don’t understand... I... fucked this up.” I try to tell him, “It wasn’t them... It was me... I couldn’t keep control. I lost my temper with them, I let them get to me. I didn’t even stay to the end of the meeting. I just... stormed out after calling them all fools. I have fucked this up for you.”

Kaworu is still smiling. Is he that stupid or is he just good at hiding disappointment? I wonder if he has even taken something but I know that can’t be it. This is just Kaworu, he... he is smiling because he means it. Why is he smiling?

“Kaworu... Please say something! Aren’t you angry or mad at me? This was... your only chance and I... I’ve messed it up for you.” My hands grip his shoulders tightly as I plead with him, I’m not even sure what I want right now. Do I want him to be angry? Do I want him to yell at me? I don’t want that, I don’t want to be told I’m bad but this... this feels worse.

I pray that no one passes and looks into the alley right now to see how ridiculous this scene is. A girl hopping on one foot, nearly crying and gripping onto her smiling boyfriend's shoulders.

“Asuka I... I could never be angry or mad at you for what you did or didn’t do.” He finally replies, “i love you Asuka and the fact that you even tried to do this is enough for me. Regardless of what they say today, whether I am allowed to travel or not I am happy because... you tried. You have no idea how grateful I am to both yourself and Shinji for this. I am... at peace with the idea that things might not go our way because... at least I have your love. That means more to me than anything else.”

I look at him for a moment, tears still burning in my eyes from the pain in my foot and the emotion of his words. Kaworu does... truly love me but why? I’m a mess, look at me right now. I’m pathetic, begging for him to be angry at me because I can’t accept that I might be a good person.

I look him in the eyes, does he mean what he said? Does he truly mean it? Yes, of course he does. Of course, he means it because for some reason he actually loves me. Despite me not deserving it and being a failure this strange but wonderful guy actually loves me.

“Can we go now?” I mumble, keeping my hands on his shoulders for support and biting back the tears.

“Of course.” he nods and smiles as we turn to leave the alley. He shoots a concerned glance down at my foot, “I think we should do to a hospital first though and get your foot looked at.”

“No I...” I shake my head as I start to set my foot back into my shoe. My words fade as my foot makes contact and sends an intense amount of pain up through it and my lower leg. I feel my nails dig into his shoulders as I try to not let out a scream, “Okay, yes... hospital... hospital sounds good just... please don’t tell them how I did it.”

**Tokyo-2 – Misato's Apartment – Misato Katsuragi**

I step out of the apartment into the much cooler evening. As the door shuts so to goes the sound of voices and video games. All I am left with now is the ambient sounds of traffic nearby and the noise of a couple of kids still out playing in the courtyard below.

Today has been a taxing day for me, but even more so for Shinji in there. He does seem to be a little bit better though. I don’t know if it’s a brave face because I invited his friends over or if he does genuinely feel better. It’s hard to tell with people, especially him.

I feel so bad for Shinji, I really do. I can’t pretend I know how he feels or what he is going through. I’ve had my heartbroken before, and I’m sure I’ve broken hearts. Generally, I’m the one doing the breaking up or just denying them. It all started with Kaji many years ago and... well there haven’t exactly been a rush of men since but... it’s all the same thing, right?

I know Shinji loved her and I was so certain she loved him back. Still, five years is a long time and life isn’t a fairytale like we’d sometimes like it to be. If it was then... well Kaji wouldn’t be dead. This is just something that Shinji will have to get over, it’ll be tough but he is still young and there are plenty more fish in the sea as they say.

I will admit, I was quite shocked when I found out about Asuka and Nagisa being an item. It wasn’t something I had expected, obviously I knew that they were friends but romance? I was so sure Kaworu was... well when I look back at how he acted around Shinji... I know he was deceiving Shinji but there are some things you can’t hide. Glances, looks and blushes, Kaworu... had all of that.

I suppose when I think about it I don’t really know who Kaworu is. All I know is what I think he is or at least what I knew he was. I met him for a such a small amount of time, Asuka has known him for months now. I will say this... if he ever hurts her then he will have me to deal with.

I let out a sigh, the person I’m out here to meet should be along in a moment. I hope he is bringing good news with him. I look towards the elevator, right on cue in opens up and Fuyutsuki steps out giving me a nod of acknowledgement.

“Katsuragi.”

I nod back politely, “Fuyutsuki.”

“I take it Shinji is inside, how is he doing?”

“Better.” I reply, “He’s got some friends with him, he seems happier but today did take a toll on him.”

“Yes... I can imagine.” The older man bows his head, he looks troubled and I wonder if maybe he has heard something already. My mind starts firing questions but I remain silent, it’s best to not say anything yet. I wait for him to finish, “They allowed me to observe it from my office here in Tokyo-2.”

“I see, so you saw the whole thing then?” I ask him as my attention turns back to the now empty courtyard. I’m aware of the frosty nature of my tone, I’m always on my guard when around the old man. I know I have no reason to be but despite all his changes and how much he has helped I still can’t find it within myself to completely forgive him for his role in all that happened.

“Indeed.” He stands next to me and places a hand on the railing also looking into the courtyard below, “Shinji handled himself very well in there. I don’t think there are many who would be able to hold their own against a group of professional politicians like that. He came across very well, almost unflappable he reminded me of...”

“His father?” I finish the sentence for him, “I don’t think that’s a comparison Shinji would appreciate.”

I scowl but also have to admit that Fuyutsuki was right. If it wasn’t for who Shinji’s father was it might have been amusing, the body language, the stare and the way he spoke. It was all shades of his father. For some that would be a compliment but for Shinji it’d be the worst thing he could hear.

“Of course not, it was just the musings of a foolish old man.” Fuyutsuki answers “I apologize I did not mean to compare the two, it is just I...”

“No, I know...” I cut him off sharply, “I could see it too but... Shinji is thankfully nothing like that man. Shinji fights for others and not for himself. Shinji would rather put himself on the line even if it hurts him dearly to help someone else.”

“I know.” He nods, “He is so much more like his mother in that regard. She too would not wish to hurt another in what she did, she too wanted to fight for and help others. She would always try to look for the good in someone.”

“Still.” He looks at me, “I am sure you do not wish to hear me ramble about Shinji’s parents. I wanted to meet with you because I have some news regarding today's events. I thought you might like to hear it.”

“Go ahead.” I nod back.

“The good news is that the committee were very impressed with Shinji today, at least most of them were.” Fuyutsuki takes a moment to pause, “Tokita cast his vote immediately after the meeting.”

“Will that impact the discussions?” I ask him.

He shakes his head, “No, they do not need to be unanimous in their decision. Still many of them are taking the time to re-evaluate their prior decision. All, with the exception of Tokita, are discussing the situation and re-examining all the data they have on Nagisa.”

“I see, so Tokita has taken himself out of the talks.”

“I’m not sure.” Fuyutsuki replies, “I think it is more a matter of them taking him out of the talks. His views are clear, no evidence or discussion will sway him, so what is the point of him being a part of it.”

“Do they not think he could have a valid point hidden under all that malice?” I ask.

“Perhaps.” Fuyutsuki taps his finger off of the balcony, “Do you think he has a point?”

“I...” I look away for a moment, what do my feelings on Nagisa matter? I am not a part of the discussion, if Shinji supports Nagisa then I will support Shinji, “I haven’t thought about it but... Nagisa was an Angel. His actions did threaten our world. Out of all of them he came the closest to ending it all but he stopped himself.”

“Still... He hurt Shinji by doing that and... a part of me hates him for that but it’s not like I didn’t play my part in hurting Shinji either.” I look up towards the evening sky, “I don’t believe Nagisa is a threat. Shinji saying it is good enough to me but...that and my own feeling aside I’ve seen the evidence. I’ve seen the medical reports and he’s as human as me or you.”

Fuyutsuki nods and I think for a moment I see the old man smile, “I’m glad you of all people think so.”

“Can I ask... why are you so keen to help him? You didn’t know Nagisa, you didn’t owe him anything and yet you seem so keen to help him.”

“Because he deserves a life, just like any of us do.” Fuyutsuki answers me, “Because he deserves better than to be defined by the legacy of his past masters. Nagisa is unlike me or many others. He was not given a choice in what he is or was, he was born for a purpose and raised solely for that purpose. He was no different to Rei in that regard.”

“Rei was different though.”

Fuyutsuki shakes his head, “Rei was different due to exposure to people like Shinji and yourself. through those interactions she was able to change and grow slightly putting her on a different course to Nagisa. Had Nagisa had the opportunity to live like Rei did then perhaps he would have changed too.”

“From what I saw Rei didn’t have much of a life.” I reply darkly.

“I know...” He bows his head, “Rei’s upbringing is something I regret but Ikari had his reasons. Still he allowed her to attend school and interact with others. In a way it is those interactions that led to his failure.”

“Rei betrayed him in the end.”

“Yes, she did.” Fuyutsuki nods, “Perhaps Nagisa would have done the same but SEELE kept him on a tight leash. He had no life, he was raised to die and had I not stepped in the UN were content to imprison him and pin the sins of his masters on him. I could not allow that to happen. Raised to die, be given a second chance and then left to die.”

I nod and I think I understand a little bit more now. I think about how unfair that would have been. I know Rei has struggled over the years to come to terms with her role in what happened. She and Nagisa... they aren’t too dissimilar.

“Gendo and SEELE... they ruined a lot of lives, didn’t they?” I muse.

“I played my part in that willingly.” Fuyutsuki answers, “That is why I try to make up for it today but I do not wish to see those children take the blame for the sins of those that came before. That is why I am helping Nagisa and that is why I try to help the others.”

I nod, “Do you think they will ever return?”

Fuyutsuki shakes his head, “No, I do not. In a way I feel it is for the best, whilst it feels the people who orchestrated it all did get away with it the circus of a return of either of them would risk upsetting the way the world is. Who would put them on trial? How would they be tried? People would demand blood and then... you also have the section of people who view them as saviors.”

“Saviors?” I scoff, “Really?”

“They are out there, loose scattered groups who think Instrumentality was mankind's salvation. It seems crazy to think of but if one of their adopted saviors returns then it gives them something to latch onto, it gives them a potential voice it...” He shakes his head, “Perhaps I am overthinking things.”

“Perhaps. but maybe you’re right, not just because of the risk of cult uprisings.” I chuckle, “We’ve made a lot of progress, Shinji and Rei have made a lot of progress and if he... if he returned it might be damaging to them... to all of us.”

“Indeed.” He looks down at his watch, “I should not take up anymore of your time anyway Katsuragi. Tell Shinji that I should have an answer soon and I will contact him as soon as possible.”

I nod, “Okay.”

He starts to walk away as I call after him, “What about Asuka, how did things go for her?”

He stops and looks at me, “There was... something of an incident with Ms Soryu. Tokita felt it would be appropriate to prod a little bit too much into her past.”

“Oh dear...”

“Yes, but despite her reaction to it I do not think their case was hurt in any way.”

I step forward fearing now as to what Asuka might have done. I know the temper Asuka has and if they probed too much then she will have shown them it. She has only allowed a very small number of people glimpses into her past, me, Kaji and Shinji. Tokita must have known this and that’s why he tried to goad her.

“What... was her reaction?”

“An impassioned plea for them to understand that Nagisa was no threat to them before calling them all fools and then walking out of the meeting. It was... mild compared to what she might have done in the past.”

“I see... And you don’t think it hurt things in any way?”

“Not at all, if anything I think they were impressed by how passionate she was regarding Nagisa.” He answers with a smile, “I will now take my leave, I will contact you as soon as I know anything more.

**Berlin – Hospital – Kaworu Nagisa**

I lean back against the wall and smile awkwardly at Asuka as she sits, a scowl on her face, on the edge of the hospital bed. I know she hates being here, there are a number of reasons behind it. Hospitals remind her of an awful moment in her life. I have spoken to her about those moments on a few occasions. Not many, she doesn’t open up to me much but she had told me bits and pieces, more so than most people with the exception of Rei and Shinji.

I know her pride has been wounded significantly by having to come here and also admitting how she did it. It would be one thing if she hurt her foot due to someone else but this was her own fault. She is embarrassed by that and that only serves to make her angrier.

She also feels guilty. She feels like she has ruined our chances of reversing the council's decision regarding my ability to travel. I have tried to tell her I would not be bothered if they did uphold their decision. The fact that she even tried means more to me than anything else. I love her and that will not change.

My words have done little to help. I understand, sometimes it requires more than words. I have been on that side of it myself. Sometimes it requires a gesture, me holding or kissing her might help. Not really things I can do here but I have a plan. I plan for a night of cuddling on a sofa, ordering pizza and a large quantity of ice cream.

It is my belief ever since I returned that 99% of human problems can be solved by ice cream. If you are feeling sad then consume some ice cream! If you are too hot, consume some ice cream! If you are too cold, get a warm chocolate pudding and have a scoop of ice cream on top of it. It’s that simple.

I look towards the clock. It has been hours since we came here and even longer since the meeting. Truthfully, I do not expect them to reverse their decision. I do not think Asuka’s actions will have any bearing on it, nor do I think Shinji’s will. I just think that the fear those people have of me is too overpowering that they cannot be persuaded otherwise.

I am preparing myself for that decision, I will of course be slightly upset and disappointed if it does happen. I did want to see Shinji again, even after all that has happened. I wanted to meet him and see him perform. At the same time, I have to atone for the sins of my past. I know I have been told many times I am not to blame and I do believe that but my actions still hurt people and there must surely be some punishment for that.

So, I would not be mad or disappointed with Asuka or Shinji for not succeeding today. It fills me with such a sense of joy that they have even tried to help me. I cannot possibly express to them how it makes me feel that they would try to help me. Especially Shinji, by all rights he should have said no straight away, and yet, he did not.

Shinji had been hurt by me and yet he still has that sense of selflessness and desire to help. Shinji had been hurt by so many people. He was a soul in such turmoil. He had been abandoned by his father and forced into a life of pain and misery. His friends had left or been hurt and yet there was still some light within him that refused to go out, even if he didn’t realize it.

He could so easily have gone against a world that seemed to exist only to hurt him but he didn’t. He resolved to move forward. I think that is why I found myself so drawn to him when I first met him. I was given a simple task but when I met him I felt something within I hadn’t felt before. I know the feeling now, I’ve felt it and feel it now with Asuka. It is love.

“Where the hell is this doctor!” I hear Asuka suddenly ask, snapping me from my thoughts. These are the first words I’ve heard from her for at least half an hour, “He said I could be discharged and that it wouldn’t take long! So, where the hell is he? I just want to go home!”

“I am sure he will return soon.” I reply to her calmly and smile warmly at her, “He most likely got held up with something else. You know how these places can be.”

“No, I don’t.” She snaps back in annoyance and resumes her scowling. I slowly walk over to her and sit down next to her on the bed.

“How is your foot feeling now?” I nod down at the bandages appendage as she lets out a sigh.

“Better but still sore.” She replies, “I feel like a goddamn idiot.”

“You were angry, it was an understandable reaction to that.” I make some feeble attempt to reassure her.

“Kaworu, kicking a metal skip whilst barefoot is not an ‘understandable reaction’, it is idiocy.” She replies and then sighs again, “I... I’m just sick of me. I try to do the right thing and then just mess it up.”

“Asuka... You haven’t done anything wrong.” I put my arm around her, “I am sure if you had have done we would have heard back by now. Instead we are sti-”

I am suddenly interrupted by the vibration in my pocket and the sound of my ringtone. I pull the phone out of my pocket as Asuka looks at me, “You know you were supposed to turn that off right, they put up enough signs.”

I roll my eyes, “I... forgot.”

I look at the screen, “It’s Fuyutsuki! Should I... answer it?”

“Of course, you should you idiot! Hospital rules be damned!” She answers, “let him tell us how I messed everything up!”

“Asuka I don’t thin-”

“Just answer the goddamn phone Kaworu!” She cuts me off and I immediately accept the call, standing up and walking to my previous location against the wall as I do so.

“Hello?”

 _“Nagisa.”_  Fuyutsuki’s voice comes through clearly,  _“I hope you are well, we had a report that said you and Ms Soryu were near the hospital, is everything okay?”_

“Ah yeah.” I look towards Asuka and give her a sheepish smile, “Asuka just... had an accident and hurt her foot.”

I hear Asuka mumble something angrily under her breath but I’m not able to catch it as Fuyutsuki replies to me,  _“I see, well I hope it is nothing too serious. I know Ms Soryu dislikes such places. Regardless I shall not prolong this, I have heard back from the council.”_

My heart suddenly starts pounding in my chest as a sickly feeling forms in my stomach. It hits me suddenly just how much I want to hear him say they have changed their minds. I want this, I really, truly want this. I want to see Shinji again, I want to hear him play for us. I want Asuka to see him again, for their friendship to return properly.

I try to temper my expectations though. Try to tell myself what the most likely outcome will be. I try to maintain that they will not change their decision, why would they?

“What... did they say?” I finally ask, my hand trembling.

 _“The council have agreed to reverse their decision.”_  He does not waste any time in replying to me. It’s strange, in a way I was expecting this moment to be like the one you’d see in a television game show. I imagine Fuyutsuki in front of an audience, an envelope in his hand which he opens up to reveal I’m allowed to travel, I’ve also won a selection of fine prizes and a speedboat.

“R-Really?” I stutter out, “S-So I’m... allowed to...”

Asuka looks up at me and sees the grin that has spread to my lips. I can see the shock in her eyes and she leap up off of the bed, letting out a yelp of pain as her foot hits the ground. She hobbles over to me and snatches the phone from my hand.

“Fuyutsuki! What happened?” She asks him, “They... changed their mind? Even after...”

Asuka switches the phone to speaker just before Fuyutsuki begins to reply to her,  _“Hello Ms Soryu. Yes, they have agreed to, even after you said those things to them. I will admit, I was concerned about your outburst as well. A similar thing happened to Ikari but if anything, the passion shown by the two of you aided them in their decision.”_

“You mean... that actually helped?” Asuka exclaims.

_“Indeed, although I wouldn’t recommend you engaging in any further acts of debate or diplomacy.”_

I see Asuka nod, “I think I’ll probably retire undefeated.”

 _“Good.”_ He almost chuckles,  _“You should know that their decision was met with some resistance. Tokita will be fighting the decision but I don’t think you have anything to fear from him.”_

I try to think of something to say at this moment but I can’t. I’m simply stunned into silence and wearing a big grin on my face. They actually reversed their decision! I can’t believe it, I was certain they wouldn’t. I am... actually going to be travelling to Japan in December with Asuka. I will get to see Shinji once again.

“What the hell was that guys problem anyway?” I hear Asuka ask Fuyutsuki.

I actually hear Fuyutsuki chuckle at her question,  _“Tokita has something of a grudge against anyone and anything connected to NERV. It is nothing that involved yourselves, I presume you are both familiar with the Jet Alone incident?”_

Jet Alone? I try to remember but nothing comes to mind. Asuka nods and then looks at me, I shrug at her, “I’m not, they probably didn’t consider it important enough to tell me.”

Asuka also speaks, “That was that big commercial robot, right? They wanted it to replace the Eva’s. Some sort of automated garbage that ended up failing during a test and nearly blew up half of Japan.”

I feel my eyes widen with surprise, I truly had no idea such an event had occurred or that anyone else had tried to produce a machine that could match what the Evangelions did. I imagine my masters would not have been pleased by such a thing existing.

_“Yes, Tokita was one of the leads for that particular project. He always said the reason his machine failed was due to sabotage from NERV. Since then he’s held a bit of a grudge.”_

I see Asuka roll her eyes, “Great, so I assume NERV did in fact sabotage it, didn’t they?”

 _“The particulars of that incident are not known to me.”_  Fuyutsuki replies quickly and calmly,  _“As it is, I seem to remember NERV being cleared and the Jet Alone project being halted immediately due to safety concerns. It is something we should put behind us.”_

“Right.” Asuka says, “Well let's just hope he doesn’t try anything else. So, is this it then, we can arrange the travel?”

 _“Not quite.”_  Fuyutsuki answers her,  _“There are some slight details I think I should mention. Whilst the council have agreed to allow you to travel they have made it clear to me that you will be monitored more so than you are here.”_

“Of course.” I reply, I expected as much but I see Asuka frown at the news.

_“A lot of things need to be worked out but I think you can expect to have a security team escorting you at all times. Your movements will be restricted, likely to your hotel and the concert venue itself but I will try to persuade them to allow for sightseeing.”_

I nod again, “I see, thank you. You... You have no idea how much I appreciate this.”

 _“Think nothing of it, it was Ms Soryu and Ikari who did most of the work. I merely arranged the meetings.”_  He answers.

“What about Shinji?” Asuka suddenly asks, “Does he know yet?”

 _“Not as of yet.”_  Fuyutsuki answers,  _“It is quite late here in Japan but I will inform him in the morning.”_

“How... did he do in his meeting?” I ask.

 _“He did well, he... well he reminded me of someone I once knew. Only in his case he was fighting for the right thing.”_  Fuyutsuki replies,  _“Tokita did of course try to throw him off course. Even choosing to reveal the nature of your relationship to him.”_

“Shit...” I hear Asuka mumble under her breath. I feel the urge to say the same. We were keeping that quiet for the moment and waiting for the right time to tell him. Asuka continues to speak, “Did he really?”

I feel my heart drop slightly as the good feeling I had from being told the good news fades. That must have been tough for Shinji to hear. I can see Asuka is struggling with it too, her hand is now balled up into a fist and I can see her ready to punch something. I place an arm around her shoulder, hoping that I can save her from breaking her hand.

 _“He did, I understand you both wished to keep things quiet for the moment so I thought it would be worth informing you, just so you aren’t surprised when you get there and everyone asks you about it.”_ He replies to her, not seeming to be able to detect our awkwardness at hearing that, “With that said I must leave now. It is late here and it has been a long day. Enjoy the rest of your evening.”

“Yeah, goodbye.” Asuka hangs the phone up and looks at me, “So... He told Shinji...”

I hold Asuka closer to me as I try to go over it in my head. Shinji know this must have hit him hard. He loved her and now he has found out I am with her. I betray him and then return only to take away the one he loves. Not only that but I have allowed this to happen knowing how Asuka feels for him. I have managed to put myself into a situation I have no right to be in.

I am an interloper, a confused alien thrust into a confusing situation. I love Asuka and I hate the idea that she is hurt. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt Shinji either. Both these people do not deserve pain at all and yet, I do not want to be hurt myself. I want to live on and continue to feel this love that I do. If it were possible I wish I could... No, it isn’t possible. It does not matter.

I no longer feel good about this. I feel sick now. I feel like I should call him up and apologize. The only thing I can take from this is that in his moment of despair he still fought for me. Thank you Shinji Ikari and... I am sorry.

**10 th October 2021 - Kaworu/Asuka’s Apartment – Asuka Langley Soryu**

I am here once again, my finger is hovering over the button and moments away from calling Shinji Ikari. In the back of my mind I have that voice there once again telling me that this is a bad idea. I should just leave him alone, I’ve done enough damage to him and me calling him… I’ll probably just hurt him some more.

Who knows what state he is going to be in! Rei said to me that he was fine but I know what Rei is like. She is probably just saying it so that I don’t feel bad. After all, how can Shinji be doing fine? I lied to him and kept the truth from him. I knew how he felt about Kaworu and I’m sure what happened must have hurt him. I know if… well if Shinji and Kaworu were together then I’d be hurt.

It isn’t just Shinji that the voice is warning me about though. It’s warning me about my own state. I’m running on barely any sleep, painkillers and caffeine. I’m not in a good place, in fact I almost snapped at Kaworu this morning just for daring to ask me how I was. Chances are I’ll do the same to Shinji and then what?

It’s all my own stupid fault too. If I hadn’t have let them get to me I wouldn’t have said the things I did. I wouldn’t have kicked that stupid skip and I wouldn’t have a stupid broken foot.

The only good news that has come from it is that Kaworu is actually able to travel to Japan in December. That did make me happy but then it had to be ruined by the news of what Tokita had done. From ecstatic to angry in just a few seconds, that must be a new record for me. I am happy that Kaworu can come with me though. I wanted him there so much and I’m glad I was actually able to do something.

I’m just frustrated that I can’t even celebrate it because of my stupid foot. I’ve been told I need to rest it for a couple of weeks so now I have… nothing to look forward to.

All I can really do is go against the advice the voice in my head is giving me. My finger hits the call button and I set the device down onto the table, switching it to speaker. It rings a couple of times and Shinji finally answers.

_“Hey Asuka!”_

I regret this already but to my surprise he doesn’t actually sound unhappy. If anything he actually sounds quite happy albeit slightly tired.

“Hey.” I answer him, finding myself unable to muster up any sort of confidence in my voice.

 _“Fuyutsuki told me the news! They reversed the decision, you were right, we were able to do it!”_  Shinji speaks and I find myself still surprised at the joy in his voice. Why isn’t he upset? Why isn’t he mad at me? Didn’t I hurt him?

Or was I… wrong? No… I can’t have been. Not about this.

“Yeah.” I answer, “I was a little bit surprised to be honest, I… Well I might have lost my temper with…”

 _“Tokita?”_  Shinji finished the sentence for me.

I feel a smile creep onto my lips, “Yeah… that guy.”

 _“He was an asshole to me as well.”_  Shinji answers and I admit I’m a bit surprised to hear him say that,  _“He said a few things that weren’t very nice. He also… told me about…”_

“Me and Kaworu?”

_“Yeah.”_

“Look about that…” I start to speak but I really don’t know what to say to him. I have no words to explain it to him, “I meant to tell you but…”

 _“Don’t worry about it.”_  Shinji actually cuts me off,  _“I… know you’re a private person Asuka and… you didn’t have to tell me. I’m really happy for you.”_

I listen closely to his voice for any trace that he might be lying to me. It’s hard to tell from voice alone but it is Shinji and I… I can tell. He sounds sincere, he sounds… happy.

“I know but… you shouldn’t have found out like that. We didn’t mean to hide it, we just…”

I trail off again as I try to find the words. We were going to tell him, after the meetings to be exact but Tokita didn’t give us the chance. We knew it’d be strange if Shinji saw us turn up holding hands and sharing kisses.

 _“I understand.”_  He replies,  _“You’re both my friends Asuka, I know… that sounds weird because of what happened with Kaworu but… I do consider him my friend.”_

“I lied to you though, for a second time!” I say to him, not sure why I’m so desperate for him to be mad at me. Why do I seem to want people to confirm the bad things I think about myself? I don’t want to be a bad person, I don’t want to be thought of like that, so why do I try to persuade people to think I am that person?

 _“You didn’t lie.”_  He answers,  _“There wasn’t a lie, you… just didn’t tell me yet. Why would I be mad about that? If you weren’t ready then… I understand. I’m really happy you’re together, you both deserve happiness._ ”

I sink back into the sofa. God Damnit Shinji… You… You’re too nice, you’re too pure for your own good. I should have known all along that he wouldn’t be mad about this because that is what he does. I should have known because if he was he could have just turned around and not agreed to help us after he found out.

“Thank you.” I finally reply.

 _“I’m just glad it all worked out.”_  He says,  _“I told Fuytusuki I’ll arrange tickets for the two of you. You’re still going to come right?”_

“Of course we are you idiot!” I laugh, “We wouldn’t have gone through all of that to just turn around and not come! We will be there, so you better make sure you’re on top form. I won’t accept anything less than perfection from you.”

 _“I’ll try…”_  He answers before pausing,  _“Hey Asuka, do you… do you think you could arrange it for me to speak to Kaworu again? I want to make up for last time.”_

I nod, “I’ll speak to him when he gets back from work and sort it out. I’m sure he’ll want to hear from you. What did you want to say to him?”

 _“Just that… I wanted to say sorry for not hearing him out the first time and I wanted him to tell his side I guess.”_  Shinji answers me, his voice becoming more serious,  _“I… I don’t know if I can say I forgive him but I want to still be friends with him and move forward. He… deserves that chance.”_

“I’m glad you feel that way.” I continue to smile, it seems my plans are coming together, getting those two to talk again will be easier than I had first thought, “Well, I’m sure he’ll be more than happy to speak to you.”


	19. Scars To Prove It

**October 11 th \- Tokyo 2 – Rei Ayanami**

I listen keenly as the notes from Shinji’s cello glide through the air as he continues to play through this song. I look at him and it is as if he has transformed into a different person before my very eyes, he is absorbed into the song, his face one of pure concentration and confidence. He makes playing the complex sequence of notes look effortless as his fingers dance across the board. His other hand moves smoothly as it draws the bow across the strings.

I admit I am not overly familiar with this song. I have heard it during Shinji’s attempts to rehearse but it is not something I have listened to on my own. When speaking to Asuka she has informed me that this song is considered a classic of the genre. I admit the song is interesting, it is quite lengthy compared to most music I hear and it has a high level of complexity.

Quite curious is the fact that Asuka did express some mild annoyance as the songs recent popularity due to being used in a television show. This confused me, surely she would enjoy the fact that more people would hear this.

The song comes to an end and Shinji plays the final few notes. Almost immediately I see him go from the confident instrumentalist to the shy person I know him to be.

“D-Did I sound okay?” He looks up and asks me.

I nod at him and smile, “You sounded perfect.”

I look at him smile back and he blushes, “T-Thank you...”

“You are doing well.” I say in encouragement, “Are the reheasals with the rest of the group going well?”

He nods, “Y-Yeah... I think they are anyway. I had to miss the last few because of the meeting with the UN but they told me it’s going okay and I’ve been trying to practice on my own. I can... play all of the songs now and I think everyone else can so they want to do a run of the show.”

“That is good.” I continue to smile, hearing my brother speak with confidence and passion is nice. He has gone so long trying to find something to enjoy and be passionate about. I hope this show is the first of many for him, “I am sure that everything will go well for you.”

“Thanks.” Shinji sets his cello bow down for a moment, “Hey Rei... did you ever try to play anything?”

I shake my head, “No... Not properly, when I was younger our father did try...”

I pause for a moment and wonder if this is really appropriate to tell him such things. I rarely speak about my childhood to Shinji, it is not a subject that tends to come up and with good reason. It is pretty clear to the both of us that we dislike the person that we call our father and any discussions make us uncomfortable. Still, he has asked me so I should answer honestly.

Shinji seems to recognize the issue I am having, “It’s okay Rei... He was a part of your life.”

“Okay.” I answer him, “Our father did enroll me in violin lessons but I am afraid I was unable to take to the instrument. In fact, in my childhood I was not drawn to music in any way. It is only in more recent years I have come to respect an enjoy the medium.”

“Oh, I see.”

“I was however able to draw as a capable level. Although I did not take any art classes it would seem I had some natural ability in that area.” I explain to him, “I would do portraits of father, Fuyutsuki and even Doctor Akagi during my medical assessments, I would also draw other things. There was always a lot of waiting around during those times so it helped occupy my mind.”

Shinji looks quite surprised at what I have said. I expected this, I have never told him about my prior artistic endeavors. It is not something I have really done for a long time.

“I had no idea... I never saw you do anything like that.”

He seems apologetic that he didn’t know, “No one was outside of father, Fuyutsuki and Ms Akagi knew of it really. I had not demonstrated such abilities outside of that environment and by the time I met you I was not drawing as frequently due to the increased medication I had to take.”

When I speak I can hear the sadness in my voice. When I speak of my past like this I realise just how little of a childhood I actually had. I was encouraged to a minimal degree but I was never truly allowed to be a person. I was kept under a steady course of drugs to dull my senses and keep me focused on my purpose. I only wonder what I would be now had this not have happened.

I was just a tool to be used, a means to an end. Not too dissimilar to Nagisa. Whilst I was given more freedom in my life than Nagisa was it was not enough to change my nature. Any changes in my nature would be curbed by altering the dosage of my medication. I was seen as little more than a workman might see a hammer of a screwdriver by my creator.

Unfortunately, for my creator, I was able to push past that and become more than they had intended for me.

“I see... I... wish I had gotten a chance to see them.”

“Actually... You can.” I answer him, “When Misato took me to NERV she found a lot of my old drawings. I can show you them if you want.”

Shinji nods at me, “Yeah! I’d love to see them!”

I smile back, “I shall get them after you finish practicing. I... must warn you, there are some of father in there... there are also sketches of yourself and Asuka in there. They... were the last ones I ever did.”

“T-Thats okay...”

Shinji picks up his notes and starts to go through them once again, picking out the next song he wants to practice. As much as I am enjoying hearing him play and aiding him with this, it is not the only reason I am here. I feel some remorse for what happened to him in his meeting the other day. He should not have learned about Asuka and Kaworu in that fashion. This is my fault, I should have told him. Once again, I have failed my brother.

“Shinji...” I start to speak before he can finish looking through his notes, “I... feel I should apologize to you for not informing you of Asuka and Kaworu’s relationship.”

Shinji sets his notes down and for a moment I see a look of sadness cross his face, he lets out a sigh and looks at me, “Asuka... already apologized for that. I told her she didn’t need to and you... you don’t need to apologize either.”

“I do... I kept the truth from you and due to that I have caused you pain. I need to apologize.”

Shinji shakes his head, “No... You don’t have to apologize. I... I know in this case it is more complicated and they probably wanted to keep it quiet. You did the same with one of your relationships and Hikari and Touji wanted to keep their relationship quiet at first too.”

I look at him in confusion, “But everyone knew they were together, it was obvious.”

Shinji shrugs, “I didn’t say it was smart.”

“Does the news of their relationship hurt you?”

Shinji nods, “Yes. It does... I... I loved Asuka. I loved her but... she doesn’t belong to me. It’s been five years, that is plenty of time for her to find someone and besides... I don’t know if she liked or thought of me in that way.”

I feel pang of guilt in my stomach and heart as I hear him say that. I know how Asuka felt for Shinji, I know she loved him. She had confessed as much to me over the years I got to know her properly. Yet, she found and fell in love with Kaworu. The human heart is a fragile and complicated thing.

“What about Kaworu?” I ask him. I admit, I do not truly know my brothers' feelings for Kaworu. I always did wonder what his feelings were for the boy but never asked.

Shinji blushes but also shrugs, “I... I don’t know. When he told me he loved me I... I thought I felt something for him. I do... I like him... I thought he was attractive so I guess because of him I figured out a few things I hadn’t quite figured out about myself. Back then I... didn’t know if it was because I was desperate for kindness...”

“But now you think it was genuine?”

He nods, “Yeah... I think it was. I like him... I don’t know if I loved him then or even now but I care about him a lot. I want him to be happy. Thing is... even if I did love him not it doesn’t matter, it’s not like I can do anything about it.”

“No... I suppose not.” I lower my head and wonder if maybe there is. Asuka and Kaworu care for Shinji and Shinji cares for the two of them. It would not be normal by human standards but... if they care for one another then why would it matter.

“Don’t worry about it, Rei.” I look up and see him smiling, “It... It stings but... I’ll be fine.”

“That is... good to know. I am always here for you if you need me to be.” I reassure him.”

“I know... thank you Rei.” He nods at me and continues to smile as he selects the next song and starts to play his cello once again.

**October 20 th \- Berlin – Asuka Langley Soryu**

I step out of the elevator onto the thankfully empty corridor. As I put my foot down I feel a dull ache in it, the result of me having to put all of my weight onto the damn thing because my other one is still injured. The crutches are helping somewhat but I hate them, they make me slow and make it awkward for me to get around.

This is the first time I’ve been out of the apartment in a week. We’ve only been out for around an hour and I’ve already decided I hate everything and everyone. I hate all those idiots on crowded streets and in crowded shops who can’t seem to stop looking down at the phones long enough to see me struggling to get around. These idiots who nearly bump into me and then have the gall to blame me for it! They tell me to watch where I’m going!

They’re so lucky I need these damn things to walk around otherwise I’d take them and shove them straight up their a-

“Asuka! Are you feeling okay?”

I’m snapped from my, vaguely violent... okay very violent thoughts about crutches and orifices, by Kaworu’s concerned voice. He’s stood opposite me and looking at me with a worried expression, one that I’ve gotten used to over the last week.

Everything I’ve tried to do he has been there, helping me and looking so worried throughout it. I appreciate the help from him but I wish he wouldn’t worry so much, it’s only a broken foot, it’s not as if I’m about to die. Still... it’s nice that someone cares.

“Fine.” I answer, managing to take some of the annoyance out of my voice as I speak. I don’t want to seem like I’m mad at Kaworu. None of this is his fault, it’s all mine. I was the one who enthusiastically declared we were going to buy him a suit and I was the one stupid enough to break her own foot last week, “Just... idiots.”

He smiles, “Yes, it is much nicer and quieter up here. The other levels were quite busy. I was actually concerned that at one point you were going to hit someone.”

“Oh, believe me... I was.” I nod back at him, “Shall we go and take a look then?”

He nods, “Okay.”

I follow him, slowly, into the wider room and see immediately that we are going to be a little bit spoilt for choice in here. I spot my target immediately, some seats towards the center of the room. As much as I hate looking weak, I really need to sit down and rest my feet. I swear to god, next time I’m angry I’m getting a stress ball. No more kicking steel skips for Asuka!

I look towards Kaworu, he seems somewhat overwhelmed and I can’t blame him. All around use are suits and accessories of a variety of colour and style. I’ve brought him to a good place as well, not exactly high-end celebrity prices but definitely upper tier. After all, it’s been a long time since we’ve seen them and It's a big occasion, we have to look out best.

“That prices... are so high.” he whispers to me, “Are you sure this is okay?”

“Kaworu, neither of us are really struggling for money right now, are we? If we can’t spend a little bit of our vast payoffs on fancy clothes then what can we spend it on?”

“Well I actually donate some of mine to charitable organizations, I sponsor several kittens and have helped build wells in under-privileged countries.” He answers.

I look at him and shake my head, I did wonder why he had a drawer with several stuffed cat toys. I can’t deny his heart is in the right place, I do donate money myself to charity.

“Look, this is a one off Kaworu. Neither of us have really done this before so let’s just... for once get something big and expensive and make ourselves look better than everyone else there.”

He seems confused by the motion, “Okay...”

“Look, just go and pick some stuff. I’ll... wait here I guess.”

I watch as Kaworu wanders off to the aisles of suit jackets and get myself comfortable on the seat. I’m much happier up here than I was on the lower levels, aside from a sales assistant who hasn’t approached us yet we are the only two on the floor. I guess not many men need a suit today.

Shame the same can’t be said for the other levels. For some reason it seems the entirety of Berlin have chosen to come shopping today. I’m just glad I’ve already picked out my dress for the event. I’ve already ordered it so I need to go and pick it up from the desk a couple of floors down. I’ve decided on a simple but elegant halter neck dress, pleated at the bottom and in a dark red colour.

It’s been a while since I’ve actually felt excited to dress up that smartly for an occasion. The last time must have been that damn date with Hikari’s sisters' friend and I can remember exactly how that ended up. Since then I’ve not really been too bothered with the whole thing, it’s not that I don’t like the idea of doing it it’s just I’ve never been in a position of mindset to do it.

For this thing though, because I’m seeing Shinji again after so many years, because of where we’re going and because I have Kaworu I want to. I want to be there and show how beautiful I am, how handsome Kaworu is. I want to actually be noticed again, instead of hiding myself away.

I look around the room again for Kaworu. I can see he has two items tucked under his arm and seems to be looking at a third option. I wonder what it is he’ll have picked out for himself. Problem is, as I look around at the large number of options, that Kaworu would likely look good in anything. White, Black, Grey, Blue, Red, he’d look great in anything.

I smile, not exactly a bad problem to have I suppose. I get to watch my boyfriend model suits for me. Things could be worse.

He finally returns to me, and I see what he has picked out. He catches my eye, “I am sorry I took a while, there was a lot of choice and I was not sure what would work for me. I know I wear a suit for work but I have never been to an occasion such as this. I was uncertain as to what would be appropriate.”

I nod and look between the three jackets he has selected. I try to picture him in each one of them, wondering how the white shirt and dark orange tie we’ve picked out might go with each option. I find myself drawn to the lighter grey suit jacket at first but I think I’ll have to see him wearing them first to make sure. I get to see Kaworu model suits, not exactly the worst problem to have.

I take a quick look at the other two options on hand, a dark blue and a darker grey. I look up at him, “Which one do you prefer?”

He shrugs, “I like them all but I think... the lighter one might look better.”

I nod, “Let’s try that one on first then.”

I carefully get to my feet and grab my crutches to help get me to the seats near to the changing rooms. As we do so Kaworu leans in closer to me, “Thank you for this Asuka but you know... You did not have to pay for this.”

“I know.” I smile at him, “But I wanted to. Consider it a very later Birthday present...”

I give him a knowling glance as he freezes and looks at me somewhat shocked, “L-Late... Birtdhay present?”

I nod at him again, “Mm... 13th of September isn’t it? Did you think I, the great Asuka Langley Soryu would not find out about that?”

“I... I...” I see him glowing red with embarrassment, admittedly I feel somewhat bad. I can already guess as to why he didn’t tell me, “How... did you find out?”

“Rei told me.” I answer him immediately, “At first I was a bit annoyed that you kept it secret but... I know why you did. It’s not really... a day I imagine you want to remember.”

He shakes his head, “No... My... masters never really mentioned it to me, so I have never celebrated it before. As far as celebrating it now goes... how can I celebrate that day... so many people died so that beings like me could be born... I can’t celebrate that. It is not a cause for celebration.”

“Idiot...” I say to him tenderly, “You had no say in how you were born, you were born because of what happened but it was not your decision or fault. You have as much right to celebrate a birthday as I do. Never time... next time we will do something. Oh, and Kaworu... for the record...”

He turns to grin at me, “Fourth of December?”

“Let me guess...” I fire him a grin back, “Rei told you?”

He nods, “Yeah, she made sure to tell me. That is also the day of your second book release, isn’t it?”

“Exact same day.” I answer with a bit of a sigh. I had almost forgotten about the release of the book. I’ve seen some hype for it in stores, promotion for it coming soon but for me I’ve wrote it now. It’s being printed and I have no further part in the process aside from answering a few questions as ‘Mari Makinami.’ My focus now is on getting to Japan.

“We leave for Japan after that, will your foot have healed by then?”

I shrug “Should have done, the doctor said it wasn’t that bad of a break. Said it should only take four weeks or so.”

“Good.” We arrive at the changing rooms and I sit myself down again. He kisses me gently on the forehead and then slips into the rooms to change into the first suit. I’m still angry at myself for what happened last week but the more I think about it the more I see just how smoothly things are going.

All I need to do now is work on the next stage, and that is getting Shinji and Kaworu to properly patch things up. I don’t think I should have any trouble with that. Both of them seem more prepared to speak than beforehand. I just want to make sure there is no awkwardness between us when we arrive.

I suppose we were already able to eliminate one potential reason for awkwardness with Tokita letting slip mine and Kaworus relationship to Shinji. He seems to be taking it well but I... I know him. I know he can hide things well, if he is hurt about it then he can hide it. I’ve basically stolen the person he cares about and loves and Kaworu has... well Rei always said Shinji had feelings for me but I never believed or understood why.

I hurt Shinji so much, so why would he like me? Still, he hurt me too... there are things he did that some people would say I should never forgive him for. Things I’ve tried to not think about because it was just such a unique and horrible time. I have forgiven him for those things though, I hope he knows that. If not then... I guess I’ll have to tell him.

A few moments later Kaworu steps out of the dressing room in the first of the three suits. He’s selected the light grey one and I feel my heart skip a beat on seeing him. I’m fairly sure my jaw drops as I look him up and down. It’s ideal... it’s... perfect. He turns himself around allowing me to see the front and back of the suit before coming to stop facing me.

“Do you like it?” I hear him ask me.

“Yes.Good.VeryGood.Yes.” I blurt out quickly as I relaize my eyes are keenly focused on Kaworu’s lower half. I look up and around the room, this is bad... I need to stop these thoughts... jumping Kaworu right here and now would be bad, especially with my foot but... damn he looks so good.

“Asuka?” He looks at me confused.

“You look great.” I’m finally able to regain some composure and force those thoughts briefly from my mind. I’d like to think I’m above shoving Kaworu into a changing room and tearing his clothes from him. At least... until my foot recovers I’m above it.

“You... really think so?”

“Of course!” I answer, “Do you like it though?”

He nods eagerly, “I really like it. I think... we should go with it. Or would you rather I try on the others first?”

I think about it for a moment, I could watch Kaworu try on two more suits here and admire the view or we could pay for it now, pick up my stuff and I could enjoy Kaworu taking off some clothes. It’s not a hard decision to make.

“I think... We should pay for it, pick up my stuff and then get ourselves home. I think... I could do with some rest and you...” I slowly get to my feet, stumbling slightly as I get myself closer to Kaworu. I hobble across to him looking as attractive as I can with a broken foot, so much for seduction. Still I’m able to get close to him, closer enough to run a finger up the front of his shirt and feel him shiver at my touch, close enough for me to see the passion in his eyes and also the effect my words and actions are having on other parts of his body, “You... can help me relax.”

**October 20 th \- Berlin – Late Afternoon – Kaworu Nagisa**

My eyes open slowly to the dim light of our bedroom. Ahead of me I can see Asuka’s naked form still napping peacefully. I could wake her up but she looks so beautiful as she lies there I daren’t disturb her. Instead I quietly get up off of the bed but not before kissing her softly on the forehead.

I reach down and pick up my underwear from the floor and slide them back on followed quickly by my jeans. Shirtless I make my way around to the other side of the bed and just look at her resting form for a few moments. I think about how truly lucky I am right now to have someone like her in my life. It could so easily have been different, a part of me still thinks it should have been. I still feel like I don’t deserve her love but... I am happy to receive it and I am so happy I can love her.

I lean over to my side to grab one of my pillows. Being as careful as I can I lift her leg up and slide the cushion under her broken foot to try to provide more support. I then pull the covers over her body and kiss her on the forehead one more time.

As I turn to leave the room I find I can’t stop smiling. I move past her discarded clothes on the floor and the two bags of shopping that were promptly dropped when we entered. Several hundred Euro’s worth of clothing unceremoniously dumped on the floor as we let our desire take over and we spent most of our afternoon making love to one another.

Outside of the first time we ever did anything sexual I do not think I have ever been as nervous as I was this time. I was so hesitant, believing that if we were to do anything I would end up injuring her more. Asuka was quite insistent that I wouldn’t, I hope that is true. I wanted her to feel as wonderful as I felt during it.

I leave the room, taking a final glance as Asuka just as I shut the door, hoping that I don’t wake her. I am aware that she has been having some issues sleeping over the past week, so these moments of rest will do her good. I can easily wake her up before dinner later on. Until then I should just relax and play a game, I’m currently several hours into Japanese made RPG that came recommended by Rei of all people, so I should get back to that.

I sit myself down on the sofa and pick up the controller, my thoughts turning toward four days from now, when I will have the opportunity to speak with Shinji once again. I can only hope that this time I am much better prepared for it. I need to make sure I know what it is I want to say to him and I need to try and ensure my emotions do not get the better of me. To borrow a phrase from him, I must not run away.

Due to having an actual date for it and knowing what I need to do makes me feel slightly better about things, yet some of that nervousness remains. This nervous feeling, I have within me, it seems to be a core component of who I am now. I do not think I will ever be rid of it but at the same time I do not know if I would want to be. If I were rid of it would I also risk being rid of the good feelings that came with who I am now.

When I was Tabris I did not feel these things. I feel... nothing. I felt what I thought was joy but it pales in comparison to now. It pales compared to the joy I feel when I cook a meal that Asuka compliments, it pales compared to the joy I felt when I found out I could travel, and it pales compared to the joy I feel when we make love.

I realize I have to accept these negative feelings I sometimes have in order to feel the better ones. It is part of being human and if I’m being honest, these days I feel more positive than I do negative.

I think this discussion will be a big hurdle for me to get over in terms of letting things go. I need to be able to talk to him properly. I know how much I hurt him and I am willing to apologize and discuss that. I just hope that he can listen and give me the opportunity to prove myself to him. I would be happy with that opportunity at the very least.

If we can get through this then I can finally allow myself some excitement for the trip to Japan. I have had a few brief bursts of excitement but I haven’t allowed myself to get too carried away yet. After all, without knowing the reception I will get, how can I be excited for it? If I know I will be hated by the people there then... No... I shouldn’t think like that. I do not think such a thing will happen.

Still, I know my trip will not be without its problems. I have been granted more information on my restrictions whilst there. I’m going to be monitored 24/7 and have several restrictions put on me. There will be guards posted outside out hotel room and nearby all the time. Myself and Asuka will not even be allowed outside of the city to explore anything nearby and anywhere we would like to visit within the city will require us to submit an application beforehand.

It will be an annoyance to the both of us, more so for Asuka I imagine. For me I am still in the mindset that even being allowed to live somewhat freely is more than I deserve. It is perhaps a mindset I need to get out of and maybe I will do so in time. Yet the sins of my masters and what I used to be still weigh heavily on me.

I suspect some of these additional restrictions are due to their findings in Tokyo-3 as well. I am probably not supposed to know but Fuyutsuki did tell me what they were able to find a living creature within the ruins of that old city. From what I understand it is a unified form of Adam and Lilith. Naturally he wanted to know if I had any idea what might have happened. After all, my soul was a fragment of Adams at one point but I no longer have any connection to that part of Adam. It is as much its own unique entity as I am. I am not Adam, I am not Tabris, I am simply Kaworu Nagisa, a human being and happily so.

Still this fusion does intrigue me. My knowledge of them and their creators is limited outside of the few echoes I can remember from my time as an Angel. I know that they were created many years ago and sent out on varied courses along with several other so-called Seeds of Life. Something went wrong and both Adam and Lilith crashed here. It was something that should never have happened, two SOL on one planted shouldn’t have been able to co-exist and for a long time they didn’t, one even tried to kill the other but humanity had other plans.

The fact that they have now found a way to co-exist and even join in unison is beautiful to me, in its own way. Although it does have some ramifications for me. I know the powers that be in the UN will feel I have something to do with it or I might try to do something whilst there. Naturally I have nothing to do with it nor would I want anything to do with it. I simply want to go to Japan, I want to see Shinji, enjoy the concert and be with the one I love.

**October 24 th \- Tokyo 2 – Shinji Ikari**

Once again, I have my phone in my hand and I find myself looking down at it nervously. All those familiar feelings are there, the slight trembling of my hand, the sickly feeling in my stomach and the lump forming in my throat. I’m scared because this might be the last time I have this opportunity to speak to him.

I’ve already worked out what it is I’m going to say to him and it terrifies me because it means finally speaking to someone about those things I did many years ago. It means I finally re-open a wound I don’t know if I’m ready to re-open. It means I risk upsetting him and Asuka with it too. I really hope I don’t but I need... I need to do this.

I need to tell him of all those bad things I did. I need him to know that I’m not the perfect person he thinks I am, that I have been selfish and cowardly. I need him to know this because I don’t want there to be those sorts of secrets between us. I want this to be a fresh start... even if it ends up with him hating me. I am willing to accept that.

I let out a sigh and take a moment to try to compose myself. I can’t let myself get into this state before I’ve even spoken to him. I need to stop overthinking this, just phone him... let him say what he needs to and then I can say what I need to and go from there.

My thumb hits the call button and it rings a couple of times before I hear his voice, _“Hello?”_

I feel my heart beating harder in my chest just on hearing his voice. I also take some comfort in the fact that he sounds nervous as well. The idea of him being nervous is strange t me, when I met him all those years ago he came across as so calm and confident. He seemed to at peace and as if nothing would trouble him. I just have to remember he isn’t that person anymore.

“K-Kaworu...” I start to reply, “Are you doing okay?”

 _“Yes, I am doing very well.”_ He answers, I can hear him making his own effort to stay calm, _“Are you okay?”_

“Y-Yeah... I’m good. Thanks!” I trail off as we both fall in an awkward silence, the first of what I imagine will be many. I wonder if maybe I should start telling him some of the things I wanted to. Or maybe even ask him to tell me about him. Before I can decide he actually begins to speak.

 _“I’m sorry I am not quite as... eloquent as you remember Shinji. This is... difficult for me. I have a lot I want to say but I feel I am not able to say it quite as easily as I would have hoped.”_ He pauses for a moment, _“I suppose I should... thank you for what you did for me. You... have no idea how much it meant to me.”_

“I-It’s okay...” I blush as I answer him, “I... I’m glad I was able to help in some way. I thought it was unfair that they did that to you. I also... I also wanted to make sure you were able to come here for the concert...”

_“I... Thank you... Watching you play would be incredible. I am really looking forward to it.”_

“I hope I can live up to what you expect them.” I answer with a smile as my cheeks glow redder.

 _“I am sure you will.”_ I can picture his smile as he talks to me and I feel that little sense of giddiness within me, _“Shinji... I... I am not quite sure I know how to say what I want to too you. I want to make sure I don’t hurt you any more than I already have done, I don’t want to make you angry but... if I do then please know I don’t intend to. I just want to make sure you know the truth of who I am, and what I was. Last time we spoke I... I wasn’t ready to tell you properly but now... I am.”_

“No... It was my fault too...” I reply to him as my hand tenses around the phone, the giddiness replaced once more by the sickly feeling, “I wasn’t ready to speak to you either. I thought it’d be easier than it was but I was wrong. Please... tell me... I want to know, who are you?”

There is a bit more of a pause as I feel more side-effects of my nervousness take over. I set the phone down on the table and switch it to speaker phone, my hand now sweating so much it’s hard to hold the device. I place my other hand on my leg, forcing it down in an attempt to stop it trembling.

 _“My life started on September 13 th in the year 2000... It was started as the result of Second Impact. Scientists for Gehirn were attempting a contact experiment with the dormant First Angel, Adam. When it happened it reduced Adam to an embryonic state and would set into motion the awakening of the Angels some years later...” _He begins to explain.

I listen keenly, “So... that is when you were born?”

_“Yes... When the contact experiment happened SEELE were able to somehow affix Adam’s soul into a body they had prepared. They gave it two names, Kaworu Nagisa and Tabris.”_

“So... you’re not that different to Rei then?”

 _“No... I suppose I am not. Although unlike Rei I have no knowledge of which human contributed to the creation of my body. Such things I suppose are irrelevant and knowing those who created me the donor is most likely dead anyway.”_ He continues, _“As Kaworu Nagisa I had a life. Basic education and piano lessons but soon it became all about my purpose on this Earth. One... which you already know...”_

My mouth goes dry as I listen to him speak. As he tells me these things I can’t help but compare him to my sister. She too was the same, raised for one thing, given only the basics.

“I’m sorry... I had no idea. You... You were no different to Rei then...” I finally reply.

 _“Perhaps but... I still cannot help but feel I should have done more. I now know of the various lies and ways in which I was manipulated but it does little to ease my mind. Regardless that is the truth of what happened.”_ he answers, _“The truth is Shinji, I was sent to Tokyo-3 to meet you in hope that it would help me achieve my supposed purpose. I was supposed to manipulate you for them and betray you at that moment and... I did exactly that.”_

His words immediately cause me to relive that moment briefly. The moment I woke up and heard those sirens and moments later found out the boy I had fallen for was an Angel. I can still remember the confusion and the anger I felt at that moment. He had lied... he had betrayed me.

My voice is barely a whisper, “I know you did...”

 _“When I look back on it I think that if I had just one more day... maybe I wouldn’t have done it. Maybe I would have been able to fight against the call I felt within me or maybe... I would have found a way to take my own life and not have to put you through that.”_ I can hear his voice start to tremble as he trails off.

“It’s okay Kaworu...”

_“I just want you to know that... although I was supposed to manipulate you my words were genuine. When I said I loved you I... I meant it. I felt something when I met you, I had... not felt that sort of joy in my life before. It made me question everything I knew and everything I was but I couldn’t fight my greater purpose.”_

“K-Kaworu...” I whisper back at him, my voice on the verge of cracking itself. My legs trembling as I speak.

_“Know this Shinji I... am truly sorry for the pain I caused you. I know no words or actions can make up for what I have done but I am willing to try. Also... thank you... because you proved me right. When I saw Lilith, when I knew I had to die I... I knew the strength of your heart. I knew you could move past what I had done and... you proved me right... You allowed me and everything else a second chance...”_

“I.... I forgive you Kaworu...” I try to say the words without letting my voice break and almost manage it. Strangely though I am smiling. His words have touched me, reached into my heart and brought tears to my eyes.

I take a deep breath and try to calm myself before the next part. Kaworu... I forgive you but I am about to tell you something and I hope you can forgive me. I still haven’t quite worked out how I’m going to word this, I’m not very good with these subjects in normal conversation.

_“Thank you. Shinji... I am not sure I deserve your forgiveness but I will accept it.”_

“Kaworu there... is something I have to tell you now. I’m not quite sure how to say it but I think there is something you should know.”

 _“What is it?”_ He sounds confused.

“It's about Asuka... Well not so much about her but about something that happened between us before Third Impact. I... Has she told you anything about that time?”

_“No... Only that she was injured before it happened.”_

I nod, “I see... I don’t know if I should tell you... perhaps it would be best hearing it from her but... I am going to. I want there to be no secrets between us when we meet. I just ask that... you don’t hate me for this.”

**October 24 th \- Berlin – Kaworu Nagisa**

_“I see... I don’t know if I should tell you... perhaps it would be best hearing it from her but... I am going to. I want there to be no secrets between us when we meet. I just ask that... you don’t hate me for this.”_

I look at the phone resting on table in confusion. I have no idea what Shinji is about to tell me or why I would hate him for it. If he hurt Asuka then sure she would not have the feeling she does for him, so what could he have possibly done to suddenly provoke this.

I try to think back to what Asuka has told me about her pre-Third Impact life. The honest truth is that whilst she has confessed a great deal to me regarding her life little of it really included Shinji and herself. She spoke to me about her attitude towards him and how she treated him but very little else. Most of the discussion surrounded her earlier life.

“Shinji I... am not sure I could ever hate you, especially not after what I have done to you. Please... tell me what you have to tell me, I am sure it is not as bad as you think.”

I try to take a few breaths to calm myself. The emotion from the phone call has been more intense than I imagined. Just hearing him say he forgave me nearly pushed me past the brink of tears. My chest hurts from it all but... I have to see this through.

 _“Okay I...”_ I hear him take a deep breath, _“I will start with the easiest thing then. This all happened... after your death... I... I did something terrible. Something really bad and... I know Asuka knows about it. I just... she never brought it up. I guess it’s not the sort of thing that can be brought up but... I don’t want to hide it anymore. I... I’m not the good person you think I am Kaworu... I... I am trying to be good but...”_

He trails off, “Shinji... You are a good person but we all make mistakes. Sometimes we... betray our friends and threaten the destruction of the earth or sometimes we just say the wrong thing. I am sure what you have done is no worse than what I nor anyone else have.”

I actually hear him laugh at that before pausing. I give him a moment to figure out what he wants to say, _“Asuka’s death... before Third Impact was my fault. I... I could have stopped it but I... I did nothing. I left Asuka up there to fight all by herself whilst I sat in front of Unit 01.”_

“Why?” I ask him, it’s the only thing I can say. I know about the fight of course, Asuka has mentioned it once to me. I’ve seen the scars left behind by it... left behind my dummy plugs using my pilot date. I’ve felt the guilt from that.

Asuka never told me why she had to fight that battle alone. I just assumed it was due to lack of a choice but Shinji could have helped her. Is that what he is telling me?

 _“I... I don’t know.”_ Shinji answers me, _“When I got to Unit 01 so many things had happened. I had just seen Misato die, I had watched other people be shot and killed and Unit 01 was encased in this stuff. I didn’t think I could move it but I... I didn’t even try... I just sat and waited for someone or something to kill me... I...”_

“Oh Shinji...” I so wish I was there to wrap my arms around him right now.  To hug him and tell him things are alright.

 _“I didn’t even try though Kaworu... I... I could probably have commanded it to move or at least got into the cockpit but I didn’t... I just left her to die.”_ He tails off again, _“I had lost so much, I didn't want to lose her but after Misato and you I...”_

“I had broken you... I am sorry I...”

Shinji quickly cuts me off, _“No! No... My actions... Kaworu you did hurt me but... my actions were my own. No matter how damaged I was... I could still have done something. I... Oh god...”_

I hear a stifled noise from the other side of the phone and I wonder if maybe it would be a good time to end this. Shinji does not need to tell me anything else, especially if it is affecting him this much.

“Are you okay, we do not need to continue this now?”

_“I will be okay. I need to get this out. You weren’t the reason I didn’t help her then Kaworu... I had done something earlier in the day... something … horrible to her. Please don’t blame yourself for my actions, I have to take responsibility...”_

All he is saying only further adds to me being confused, he is claiming he is responsible for her death but also doing something else to her. Asuka has not mentioned such a thing to me. I wonder what it could be.

Still his words do unsettle me. I can’t help but feel some responsibility because I know my actions helped to break him. If I had not done what I did then maybe this would not have happened.

“Tell me...”

_“After you... after what happened I tried to visit her in the hospital. She was unconscious and she just looked so unlike Asuka... I... I wanted the Asuka I knew back. I wanted her to do something, I needed her to do something. To call me an idiot, to yell at me and to have that fire that pushed me forward...”_

“What did you do?”

_“I tried to wake her up... I was being stupid... she was under sedation but I shoot her and the covers came off. I saw her naked and... I did something horrible. I... I violated her...”_

V... Violated? For a moment time stands completely still as I try to process just what Shinji has said to me. My mouth hangs open in complete shock as my hands start to tremble. Did he really say that? Does he actually mean what I think he means? What the hell did you do Shinji?

“Shinji... What... What did you do?” I try to keep my voice as steady as I can. I can actually feel anger rising within me but I try to stem it. I don’t want to believe that Shinji could be capable of something so... despicable. I need to hear the full story before I do or say anything.

Scenarios play out in my mind of what he might have done, of his hands on her whilst she slept. It makes me feel sick to think about it. Is this really what he might have done? Was he... that broken? Did I... break him that much with what I did. No, I can’t blame myself, Shinji’s actions were his own.

“Shinji, did you... touch her?” I can’t hide the darkness in my voice as I ask him the question.

 _“NO! No No No No No! I... I didn’t!”_ Shinji frantically replies to me, _“No... I... I didn’t do anything like that. I... I... What I did I...”_

“Shinji, calm yourself.” I try to do what Asuka has done to me several times when I’ve been in that state. I keep my voice steady with a hint of harshness. I admit I feel some relief at hearing he didn’t touch her but then what did he actually do?

“Take your time, what did you do?”

I hear him take a deep breath, _“I... When I saw her lying there... I... touched... myself. I just... I don’t know why, I... I just wanted to feel something good in some way and for maybe twenty seconds I did but then... I finished and realized exactly what it was I had done. I looked down at my covered hand and... I just felt sick and wrong... I wanted to die...”_

I have to hold myself back from saying good, my anger nearly rising to the surface on hearing him admit this to me. I admit, I am at a loss on what to say, I can feel my nails digging into my leg as I try to calm myself down from being angry at him.

I’m finding myself getting angry at myself too because my brain is trying to make me blame myself. If I didn’t play my part in breaking him I would have prevented this. Shinji would have fought to protect Asuka... he wouldn’t have done this. This isn’t my goddamn fault though, Shinji... no matter how broken he was is responsible for his own actions. In many ways just as I was.

“Shinji...”

 _“K-Kaworu I... I’m so sorry...”_ Shinji pauses again to compose himself. I can hear him sniffing and there is the sound of shuffling as I hear him wipe away tears from his eyes.

“And Asuka knows about it?”

_“Y-Yeah... At least I think she does, she mentioned something once about us just putting all the stuff around Third Impact behind us.”_

“I see...” I let out a sigh, not knowing how to handle this situation. This is not how I had thought this would go. I can’t quite get the image out of my head of what Shinji has admitted either, the thought of it repulses me, that he could have done such a thing and yet... I feel pity for him.

_“Do you... hate me?”_

“No Shinji.” I answer, “I... could never hate you but... I do not know how to react to what you have told me. I am... angry but I know my actions probably played a part in your mental state back then. I know there were a great many things that played a part and...”

_“My actions were my own Kaworu... I... I know I wasn’t myself but that doesn’t excuse what I did. It... was awful and... I am sorry.”_

“I... do not think it is me you should apologize to Shinji.” I answer him, “I... am glad you told me about this. I... would not like there to be these sorts of secrets between us either but it is Asuka who you should apologize to and speak about this with.”

 _“You think I should speak to her?”_ He asks me.

“Yes. I do.”

_“I... I will then.”_

“Good.” I reply, feeling myself calm down a little bit. I truly did not expect Shinji to tell me anything like this, my mind immediately goes to Asuka and how she feels about such a thing. She never told me anything like this had happened, does she truly know? Has she forgiven him? Did that play a part in her wanting to get out of Japan? I should ask her myself. I should try to find out these things properly.

 _“I-If you no longer want to visit in December I understand...”_ Shinji suddenly says, _“I just...”_

“Shinji.” I cut him off, “I would not miss this opportunity to visit you and see you perform. What you have told me is... concerning and I admit I do not know how to process it, it will take me time but I... do not hate you nor do I no longer wish to visit you. I just require some time. If Asuka has forgiven you then you should forgive yourself and move forward... “

_“O-Okay I... I will try.”_

“Good. Goodbye Shinji, I will speak to you later.”

_“Goodbye Kaworu.”_

I hang the phone up and sit for a few moments in a stunned silence. My mind goes over what has just happened once more, from the elating high of being granted forgiveness and the promise of us moving on as friends to the lows of his confession.

I feel some of that anger come back to me but I try to stem it. What Shinji did was despicable but I try to remind myself of all the circumstances. I try to remind myself that the Shinji who did those things is not the true Shinji. Whilst is it true, this does not justify his actions it makes them understandable. I think then, perhaps what I should do is speak to Asuka about it. Find out if she did truly know about these things.

As I get up off the seat I look once again at the phone and see Shinji’s profile card still on the screen. I try to push the thoughts out of my mind for good. I should not dwell on them any longer. It is not my business, it is between Asuka and Shinji now. It is for them to sort out and for me to respect Asuka’s decision.

Yet, I feel once more bit of anger within me and my hand instinctively curls up into a fist. Shinji... hurt her and allowed her to die. A part of me wanted to avenge that. It feels so stupid to want that given what I did but I have seen her hide those scars, I’ve seen her look at them with sadness and now I know they wouldn’t be there if it weren’t for him.

If anything, this is just further confirmation of how confusing it can be to be human. I truly don’t know what to feel.


	20. Calling Me Back To My Home

**October 24 th \- Berlin – Asuka Langley Soryu**

I slowly push the door to the apartment open and awkwardly manage to get myself into the main entrance way. I feel like I’m finally getting used to these damn crutches but doors are proving to be a real challenge. This isn’t helped by my tiredness from the long walk home. I could have just gotten a taxi back but no, I couldn’t have done that could I? Why not? Because I’m Asuka goddamn Langley Soryu, that’s why and looking like I need help is just something I don’t do.

So, being the stubborn idiot that I am I decided to walk back to the apartment. It was a slow walk, in colder weather and on a dark night. Without crutches I wouldn’t have minded, it would have been twenty minutes at most, hell I could have jogged home but no, the crutches turned a relaxing twenty minutes into something closer to an hour. Now I’m cold, tired and pissed off.

The one saving grace of my excursion is that I will have given Kaworu and Shinji more than enough time to talk and figure things out between one another. That is of course if they have been able to figure things out between one another. I’m hopeful that they will have done but being honest, I don’t know what to expect from those two.

I certainly don’t expect them to be fine with one another but I hope they can at least be on a path to some sort of friendship. I hope they will have at least spoken properly to each other and laid out their feelings or whatever. You know, the sort of thing that adults do... Not that I’m very good at it.

I really know know what to expect from the two of them though. Shinji... well Shinji seems to be slightly surer of himself than he used to be. I can hear a bit more confidence in him when he speaks. I can hear more passion in him when he speaks and that is good. I do wonder if that is just because he is used to me and comfortable with that.

As for Kaworu... I don’t know how he will do. He seems passive in matters like this. Willing to accept blame too quickly and the consequences that come with it. I wonder... if I hadn’t have fought for him to go to Japan would he have seen how unfair it was? I guess... the guy is still getting used to this new scary world. He is still dealing with his demons and I... I’ve been there. I know what it’s like but he will need to snap out of it.

I let out a sigh as I enter the main living space and grab myself a seat at the dining room table. It looks like Kaworu is out at the moment so I suppose I won’t get any answers on how things went for a while. I guess it gives me time to plan for if they didn’t go well. I’ll need to take some drastic action, not quite sure what that’ll be yet. Probably some weird threat of violence and casual usage of the word idiot knowing me.

I stretch out my leg and try to relax. Unfortunately, only a few seconds into my relaxation attempt my phone starts to ring. I take the device out of my bag to see Shinji’s name on the caller ID.

“Shinji?”

_“H-Hey Asuka, A... Are you at home?”_

I can very easily make out the trembling in his voice as he speaks and I have to stop myself from jumping to any conclusions. Just because he is calling me now, after such a big discussion and seems emotional doesn’t mean it has anything to do with that discussion. Maybe his cello string snapped and he needs moral support. It is Shinji after all.

“I just got home a few minutes ago, what’s wrong?”

_“N-Nothing I-”_

I cut him off, “Shinji... You’re not a very good liar so don’t even try... what is wrong?”

This time he lets out a sigh, _“Have you... seen Kaworu yet?”_

“No. Why? What happened?” I feel my free hand tense up as the tone of my voice grows darker. My fears seem to be unfortunately realized, something did happen. What the hell did those two idiots mess up now?

 _“Nothing... Nothing bad.”_ He answers which eases my mind only a little bit, _“We spoke properly... He... told me about his life and I think... I understand why he had to do what he did. I... I think I can be friends with him... I understand more now.”_

Despite what Shinji is telling me he doesn’t sound overly happy about it which confuses me. Is that not what we wanted from this? Should he not be happy about that? I’m glad to hear they were able to speak but then, why does he sound unhappy now? Add to which where the hell is Kaworu now then?

“Okay, good... So why do you sound upset?”

 _“Because I... I wanted to...”_ , Shinji lets out another sigh, _“I told him things about me... I guess, with you two being together I wanted to be honest about things that had happened but I... I realize I should have spoken to you first before telling him and now I... I think he hates me...”_

Shinji trails off as my other hand now clenches tightly into a fist. Please tell me that isn’t what has happened, please tell me we haven’t now gone the complete opposite direction.

“Shinji... What the hell did you say to him?”

_“I told him about what happened... after he died and leading up to Third Impact.”_

It takes me a moment to truly understand what Shinji has said. My hand tightens on the phone as a barrage of confused imagery jumps into my mind.

“What?” I snarl angrily at him, “Shinji, what the hell did you tell him?”

_“Everything...”_

I hear his voice crack followed by a sniffing sound and I have to hold back to yelling at him. That won’t do any good will it but it’s a struggle. Shinji said that he had told Kaworu everything, that means... he told him about... that. He told him about the hospital room.

God damn it Shinji, why the hell would you tell him that? Why the hell would you tell anyone that without speaking to me first? Why mention it? I told you... I told you years ago to just forget about it. I said I knew all about it. I knew about what he did, about the hospital room, about leaving me and the confusion within Third Impact itself. I said to just forget about it. I don’t want to remember... I don’t want to think about it.

“Idiot!” I raise my voice, “Why? Why would you bring that up to him of all people? Do you think I’d want that being brought up? You... You idiot! I told you once... I knew about it. I know what you did I just... I wanted to fucking forget all about it. I wanted to forget that you did such a revolting fucking thing. I wanted to forget about that fight. Why... Why mention it... Why tell him without speaking to me first?”

_“A-Asuka... I... I’m sorry I...”_

“No... Just shut up!” I interupt him, “Just don’t... don’t say another goddamn word, you’ve said enough. Just... go away.”

_“Asuka I’m...”_

“Sorry? Yes, I know you’re sorry!” I snap back, “I’ll deal with you and your stupid apologies later!”

_“I just thought-”_

“No! I don’t care what you thought! I’m not talking about that with you now! You want to have that discussion then we have it on my terms and now you’ve opened that door we will be talking about it. Just... go away!”

_“I’m sorry...”_

“GO!”

_“O-Okay...”_

Shinji hangs up the phone and I have to fight the sudden strong urge to throw my phone against the wall of kick the leg of the table. Instead I settle for taking my clenched fist and slamming it down against the table.

“GOD DAMNIT!” I yell out in a mix of anger and pain as I feel pain shoot through my hand. I curse my stupidity, that’s all I need isn’t it? A broken hand to go alongside my broken foot which also goes alongside the outing of one of the worst things someone has ever done to me.

I have tried... I’ve tried to put that moment out of my mind. I’ve tried to find ways to forget about it because I just couldn’t comprehend it. I know exactly what he did. I saw it when Third Impact started. When he came crawling to me to help him. When I told him exactly where to go and nearly told him to end this stupid world there and then.

I take a few deep breaths to calm myself. Anger will do me no good here, I know that but anger is what I know and I’m good at being angry. Still, it can’t help me here, those things are out to Kaworu and now I have to figure out what to do.

Those moments... I was willing to forget about it all and move on. I know how broken he was then, I saw how broken he was. I know how broken I was so I just... allowed that lapse of sanity. I allowed it because I knew deep down it wasn’t the actions of the real Shinji. The real Shinji, for all I called him a pervert would never have done that.

It was spur of the moment, a horrible and repulsive act and I hate that it happened. I feel sick to think about it and want it erased from my memory but I can only imagine it’s the same for him too. Still... why did he have to tell Kaworu now? Why when I’m working to try and get you two to be fucking friends? How the hell does your mind even work?

**October 24 th \- Berlin – Kaworu Nagisa**

I’m almost back at the apartment and I can feel the nerves starting to set in once again. I had thought that going out for a walk might have helped me clear my mind and come to terms with what I had been told but it has done little. Instead all I have done is go over the conversation with Shinji. I keep on repeating his confessions to me over and over.

My mind has even gone so far as to conjure up mental images of what happened. I picture Asuka lying their vulnerable as he stands by her side. I picture her fighting those mass-produced monstrosities and then tearing her apart. The latter disturbs me more, knowing that those beasts were running using dummy plugs based on me. In a way... I killed Asuka.

The mental imagery makes me feel sick but I simply don’t know what I can do or say about it. A part of me wants to be angry at it all but I cannot. I feel like there is some barrier in place stopping me at the cusp of it all. I feel like I don’t have the right to be angry at anyone, I feel like I can’t be angry at anyone. It’s because of who I am, because of who I was. I just have to accept it, accept and repress and watch others deal with it. I can’t get too involved.

Why though... why did you confess those things to me now Shinji? You said you wanted no secrets between us but this wasn’t just about us. This was about you and Asuka. Why confess such a thing to me and not speak with Asuka first. Is that not how things should be done? I know... in the past you found it easy to open up to me, it is something Asuka has also mentioned but surely it was not appropriate now.

Shinji... I do not dislike you for doing such a thing, I know you needed to get it off your chest but why to me? Asuka is the victim and not me. All I have now are questions and uncertainty, a whirlwind of emotion that I don’t know how to deal with. What do I do now? Do I discuss this with Asuka? Do I just ignore it and hope for them to work it out?

Before I know it I’m back at the apartment. Asuka should be home by now and I wonder if she has spoken to Shinji yet. Will she know about the things he told me? I let out a sigh and try to gather myself before I open the door. Accept and repress Kaworu. Accept and repress. Remember you are here but have no right to be, know your place.

I instead try to focus on the positives of today. First and most immediate is that Asuka will be happy with the gifts I’ve gotten her. A small stuffed toy and box of chocolates, her favourite so that is something good. The confession aside, I think me and Shinji made real progress. We seem to be friends again and that is what we wanted from it. So those two things balance out the confession, right?

I push open the door, “I’m home!”

“Welcome home!” I hear Asuka call back to me from the next room. I quickly kick off my shoes and step through into the room. I’m greeted by the smell of freshly made coffee. Asuka is sat at the dining room table, her back currently to me. I turn to see the just used coffee maker on the counter.

I take a few steps towards her and try to force out anything negative. Instead I put on my best smile and present her with the gifts, “I got you these!”

She takes both items from my hand and looks up at me, half smiling and half confused, “O-Oh, thank you! What’s with the gifts?”

“It is my way of saying thank you.” I half lie, the gifts are in some way a way of saying thank you but they’re also a way to try to make me feel good about today, “I was able to speak with Shinji today.”

“Oh, I see.” She sets the items down and I see her eyes narrow at me, “And how did things go?”

“I think... That they went well.” I answer her, I suppose I can leave out the latter part of the conversation for now and only focus on the main part, “I was able to explain to him a few things about myself, my upbringing and my... goals.”

“How did he take it?”

“He seemed to take it well, I think he was more prepared to hear about me this time. I still... did not feel comfortable admitting those things to him and I feel he was still not comfortable hearing them. Especially knowing that my goal was to manipulate him at first but... he seemed to understand my feelings were genuine after meeting him.”

“Hah, I knew things would be alright. You guys just needed to speak. So, is that everything?”

I nod, “Yes, I think we can move forward now.”

“Good.” She looks back down at her phone as I move past her and pour myself a cup of coffee. I wonder if perhaps I should tell her now about the confession. She seems to be in a good mood and... maybe it would be best to tell her but if I do... what about Shinji? Surely, it’s his place to tell her and I don’t want her to be angry at him... not after them only just reconnecting soon.

I take my cup and wander back to the table and set it down, I run my hand along the chair for a moment contemplating my dilemma. What is the correct thing to do in this situation?

“You... aren’t going to mention it then, are you?” Asuka suddenly says, without looking up from her phone. I feel myself tense up at her words, “Those things you spoke about after making friends again. Shinji told you all about what happened after you died, didn’t he?”

My hands grip the chair tightly as she now fixes her eyes on me. I feel my mouth go dry and suddenly the coffee doesn’t look quite so appealing. I nod at her, “Yes... Shinji told me.”

**October 24 th \- Berlin – Asuka Langley Soryu**

It’ll have to be me who mentioned the damn thing, won’t it? The worst thing is I can see it there in his movements and expressions. I can see it’s on the tip of his tongue but he just won’t mention it. Never mind the elephant, this is the Evangelion in the room.

I really don’t want to talk about it. It’d be so easy to just try to forget about it again and hope that Kaworu can do the same. Would it be too much to ask that we both just blissfully ignore it? Of course, it would, it’s out there now. Thanks a lot Shinji!

“You... aren’t going to mention it then, are you?” I say it quickly and keep my gaze locked firmly on my phone. I can’t meet his eyes just yet. “Those things you spoke about after making friends again. Shinji told you all about what happening after you died, didn’t he?”

My hand tightens around my phone as I finally look up at him and lock my gaze onto his. I can see the worry spread across his face as he starts to grip the chair tightly. Your move Kaworu.

“Yes... Shinji told me.” He finally admits as he looks back at me.

So now what do I do? What do we do? Do we talk about this like adults? Do I tell him my feelings on it? Ask him for his? Do I tell him how to feel? I don’t even know what I want. I wanted the two of them to talk about their issues and resolve their problems. I didn’t want Shinji to create a whole new one. We solve one problem and another one pops up immediately.

“Everything?” I ask him, just to make sure that what Shinji said was correct.

Kaworu nods slowly, “About him... not helping you and also the hospital room. Yes.”

My mouth goes dry as Kaworu confirms what he knows. I can hear his voice trembling slightly as he speaks. Whether it is with anger or not I don’t know but I want to know. I need Kaworu to actually do something with this.

“And... what did you say to him?”

“I told him... that the best thing to do would be to speak to yourself about it. If this hurts him so much then only you can really help with that.”

It’s an answer I expected from Kaworu really. It’s logical and probably what should happen, hell it is what will happen. When I said I’ll deal with Shinji later I meant it, I’ll speak to him and sort this out. What concerns me now is Kaworu. He’s remaining calm, unnervingly so and I don’t want that. I want his honestly.

“How... do you feel about it?” I ask him.

“I do not know...” He admits, “I think... considering my own life and deeds, it would be unfair for me to comment on what he did. It was a... fragile situation and I do not have any right to judge. I cannot judge him, if I had not done thing things I did then he would not ha-”

“Stop it” I cut him off sharply and try to not let myself get angry at what I’ve just heard. I shouldn’t be surprised really, Kaworu is going to in some way take the blame for Shinji’s actions. That’s bullshit, it’s just a convenient excuse so that Kaworu doesn’t have to think about it too much. I try to probe further, “So, you’re saying that it was your fault?”

Kaworu looks back at me for a moment and I see him open his mouth to say something. Finally, he nods his head, “Yes...”

“Bullshit.”

“Asuka I...”

“Don’t lie to me Kaworu.”

“I’m not lying! I...”

“Kaworu, I can tell when someone else is lying about something like this. I’ve been hiding behind masks and running away from stuff like this for most of my fucking miserable life, I know damn well when someone else is doing the same!”

I wait for him to reply but all I get from him is a frustrated sigh. It’s better than another bout of him blaming himself I suppose but not enough.

“Be honest with me Kaworu, do you really blame yourself for what he has done? Is what I had to suffer really your fault?”

He looks at me for a moment and I can see him thinking about it. Finally, he nods at me and I feel the anger and disappointment surge through me, “Yes... I... It was my fault, my presence...”

“No, it didn’t!” I try not to yell back, “His actions were his own! He was to blame for it. Not you! Stop blaming yourself just because it’s the easy thing to do. Stop hiding your own feelings on it just because it’s the easy thing to do! Stop just accepting things because it’s easy or because of your guilt!”

“I-I’m not...”

“Yes you are! If I said I forgave Shinji then you’d just go along with it, you wouldn’t even question me on it would you?”

He shakes his head, “N-No I wouldn’t... it is not my decision to make.”

“And if I told him to go fuck himself outright then you’d just accept that as well wouldn’t you?”

He nods, “Y-Yes... It is... your choice...”

“Yes, it’s my choice! It’s my goddamn choice but it doesn’t mean it’s the right fucking choice does it? So you’d just let me make a mistake would you, you wouldn’t try to stop me? You’d just accept my decision without even attempting anything.”

“It is not my place to-”

I slam my hand down against the table, “You’re my boyfriend Kaworu! It is your place to fucking step in and tell me when I’m about to fuck up. You can’t just accept everything I do without question just like I’m not going to let you fuck up your life either! Cut all of this crap, what the hell is it that you want? What do you think about it? Forget my goddamn feelings! What do you think?”

“A-Asuka I...” His voice is trembling as he looks back at me in shock at my outburst. His face has fear and sadness written all over it but I’m not letting up.

“I don’t need you to just go along with everything I do! You’re not my slave! You’re not some fucking doll! Show a bit of backbone! Be your own person! I don’t own you!”

“I... I...”

I lock my eyes on him and watch as he scrambles for a response to my outburst. I can see him about to say something but the words seem to get caught in his throat. A part of me wants to push him further but I manage to fight it back. I already wonder if perhaps I’ve gone too far already. I can hear that voice in my head very clearly, speaking to me and warning me that this is it, the moment I push another good thing out of my life.

I just... I can’t stand this passiveness from him. I can’t stand this guilt trip he’s on. Hypocritical, I know. I blame myself for the way Shinji was as well, I blame myself for the world nearly ending. Kaworu is doing the same. How dare I, of all people tell him to stop, when I’m constantly berating myself for my own shitty actions?

Before I have a chance to stop myself more words have left my mouth, “Go on then Kaworu! Tell me how it makes you feel, tell me what you really want to do! Does it make you mad? Do you feel anything at all? Or do you just feel what I tell you to feel? Are you just some doll, waiting for a master or something else? Is that it? Do you just need a master?”

I see him suddenly look up and something changes in his eyes. That was it, I went too far. It’s not anger that I see but sadness. I watch as tears begin to well up in the corner of his eyes.

“A-Asuka I...”

He suddenly let's go of the chair and hurriedly moves around the table. I make no attempt to stop him and merely watch as he moves past me, wiping his eyes as he goes. I turn myself around and suddenly my mouth opens in horror as I see him take a step and get caught on one of my crutches.

I call out his name as he stumbles forwards towards the counter. In my head I envision the worst, his head hitting the corner of the unit as he falls down and splitting up. Fortunately, reality is a bit kinder, he puts out a hand to stop himself and manages to do so, unfortunately also bringing the steaming coffee pot down with him. All I can do is watch as he hits the ground, the coffee pot smashing as it hits the ground near to him.

I see him roll onto his back, hissing in pain as he does so. I get to my feet leaning against my chair for support and look down at the scene. I watch as he struggles to get up. His hand twitching with pain near to the puddle of spilled coffee. I see the shards of glass littering the surrounding area. I see little specs of blood on his hand.

I... I feel sick...

My mouth opens and closes in silence as I do nothing but stare at him. He props himself up on one elbow looking up at me and I suddenly feel my body stiffen except for my hands which slowly make their way up to my throat where I feel a sudden tightening, almost as if someone is choking me. This scene... everything before me it... it’s too close... too close to what happened.

My hands roam my neck feeling for the phantom hands that seem to be squeezing the life out of me. I sink to my knees as I gasp out an apology, “K-Kaworu... I... Sorry...”

I close my mouth as a wave of nausea rushes through me. All I can do now is watch, if I open my mouth I’ll be sick. He slowly picks himself up, and looks at me, the sadness replaced by fear. At least I think its fear, my blurred vision making it hard to see it clearly. All I know is i can’t breathe anymore, all I can feel is a tightening around my neck.

Merely seconds later I slump forward as I hear him fearfully calling my name.

**October 25 th \- Tokyo 2 – Shinji Ikari**

I am... an idiot. That is the thought running through my head as Misato turns a corner and starts us on a path up the hillside. The thought is accompanied by a voice, Asuka’s voice also telling me that I’m an idiot. Telling me that I’m stupid for what I’ve done and that all my words accomplished were hurting and confusing the matter more.

I’ve been beating myself up about this since the phonecall to Asuka. I haven’t heard anything back from her since. I don’t know if I will and I can’t blame her or Kaworu if they wish to have nothing to do with me again. I screwed things up once again. I’ve turned them against me all because I... I don’t even know why.

Why did I have to tell Kaworu about that? Why did I have to tell him then? What did I expect him to do, tell me everything was okay and then I’d feel better about it? That conversation... it should have been with Asuka first. She is the only one who can forgive me, she was the victim of my actions. So, it should have been her I went do.

I was told once, I think Misato said it to me, that I have a habit of trying to sabotage myself. That I’ll sometimes try to protect myself from being hurt later by driving people away. I guess that is what I tried to do now. Maybe I was so scared of letting them into my lives and believing they really liked me that I had to give them a reason to leave so I wouldn’t get hurt.

That might be it, but at the same time I feel like I did need to talk about it. It’s weighed on my mind for so long but I’ve just gone about it the wrong way. I know Asuka told me many years ago to forget about anything that happened just before Third Impact, that all is forgiven but she was different then and hiding as well. I guess I need to know if I am truly forgiven.

“Something on your mind Shinji, you’ve been quiet this whole journey?”

Misato’s words pull me from my thoughts and I turn to face her, “I’m okay just thinking.”

I look around us as Misato brings the car to a halt. We are far from the heart of the city I’m used to, we’re now up in the hills looking down on the town of Tokyo-2. I can see the vast maze of streets and tall buildings off in the distance. It feels peaceful up here, in fact, I’ve come up into the hills a few times to just relax. I don’t mind being in the city but up here, it’s not as claustrophobic, it’s calm and gives me some perspective.

This time is different though. I’m not here to relax or find perspective. We haven’t come to the area I’m used to, instead we’ve come to that area I’ve avoided. The small group of houses that were built for the elite. Large mansions with swimming pools, tennis courts and a vast number of bedrooms in each one.

“It’s really something isn’t it.” Misato remarks with a smile.

“Yeah... it is...” I nod, “Which one does he live in.”

Misato points out the home directly opposite us. It’s probably the smallest of the mansions up here but it’s still a large home. I’m fairly sure you’d be able to fit most of our apartment block on its grounds and have room to spare.

“You know Shinji, you really didn’t have to come and do this.” She comments, “After the way he spoke to you, you don’t owe him anything. Even now, if you want to wait in the car, you can do so.”

I shake my head at Misato. I understand what she is saying but this... feels like the right thing to do. Also after what I did yesterday I guess I could do with some form of distraction today, “I know that but... I want to. I want to find out why he was that way and... apologizes on beha-”

“Hey!” Misato cuts me off sharply, “Don’t you dare think about apologizing, not for yourself, not for anything else and especially not on behalf of your father. You are not responsible for his or anyone elses actions.”

I nod my head, I know she is right and yet, I still protest, “But I-”

“No! No buts! He is the one who should be apologizing to you and Asuka for the things he said. He was the one who was unable to get over his petty grudges. He shouldn’t have been anywhere near that meeting, they have even admitted as much themselves.”

“So why was he?”

Misato shrugs, “I don’t know, I guess he didn’t act like this in front of them and by the time the meetings happened. So, by that point they couldn’t do anything about it.”

I nod my head, “I... I’ll try. What are you going to say to him then?”

Misato pauses for a moment, lets out a sigh and then I see a dry smile come to her lips, “I’m going to apologize to him, for the Jet Alone incident.”

I raise an eyebrow and glare at her, “I thought you said no apologizing.”

She turns to me, “Yeah, well some people, like me, hold positions of power within government organizations and have to suck up as part of their job. I’m not happy with it either but if it means I and WILLE can operate properly, and if it means you and your friends are helped out then I’ll suck up. You on the other hand are under strict orders to not apologize, understood?”

“Um... Misato... You’re not my commanding officer anymore.” I remind her, half smiling as I do, “So you can’t give me orders.”

She contemplated it for a second before grinning, “Okay well... As your mother, I’m telling you to not apologize, that better, and you can’t debate that one. I have all the paperwork.”

I can’t argue with that so I just nod, “Okay, got it, mom.”

We both exit the car and I take a moment to straight my shirt. I feel a little bit bad that I haven’t told MIsato about what happened yesterday but I figure just telling Kaworu might have done enough damage.

I keep on thinking about this idea of sabotaging myself. Is that really what I do, is that really me trying to protect myself? Push people away so they can’t hurt me later... What a horrible thought. I don’t want to push people away. I want them in my life but I know I don’t want to be hurt too.

“You know, you didn’t tell me how things went yesterday.” Misato suddenly speaks, “Did things go okay?”

I turn to her, surprised that she’d ask me about that. I nod, “I... I think so. Kaworu told me a lot about himself, why he did what he did and... who he is...”

“So... have you forgiven him now?” She asks me, and I see her eyes narrow with some suspicion.

“I... I think I can.” I admit, “It’s difficult, I... think about what he did and it hurt me so much but... now I know a bit more about him I understand it a bit more. Sorry... I know you don’t like him.”

She shakes her head, “What I think about Nagisa doesn’t matter. I told you I would support you in the decisions you made and I’m going to do that. If you want the truth, no, I don’t like Nagisa and I don’t know if I could forgive him but... what is my fault and not yours.”

I lower my gaze, “Yeah...”

“I went so many years dealing with what I saw in the Antarctic and the loss of my father. I hated the Angels because I thought they took away my one chance of making up with my father. I don’t know how he truly felt about me, I don’t know if we could have had a relationship because of them.” She continues, “I was so cold towards him, not that he was a perfect father either but that could have been mended. After Second Impact I spent so long swearing revenge on the Angels and hating them. It’s hard to get away from that.”

“I’m sorry... I...”

“But I have to trust the facts and I have to trust you. Nagisa’s humanity has been confirmed multiple times, he has expressed regret for his actions and both his story and the evidence points to him as being a victim of SEELEs actions too. Whilst it is true he could have done so many things differently... we all could have done.”

“Yeah... I think... I understand.”

“Look, we can talk about this later. For today let’s deal with Tokita, okay?”

I nod as we move towards the front gate and my nerves start to kick him. I still don’t really know what this is about but I want to see it through.

**October 25 th \- Berlin – Asuka Langley Soryu**

I let out a soft groan as I slowly open my eyes to find myself in our dimly lit bedroom. I remain still for a few moments, facing up at the ceiling, waiting for this dizziness to cease before I sit myself up and try to remember what happened. I feel a sharp pang in the pit of my stomach, the argument... we argued, for the first proper time since getting together.

I suppose it was bound to happen eventually but I... I said some bad things to him. I upset him and nearly made him leave. He would have left if he hadn’t have fallen over my damn crutches and then... then ‘that’ happened. The last thing I remember before I passed out.

I suppose I can take some solace in the fact that I’m in our bedroom and not in a hospital room. That makes me feel ever so slightly better.

My thoughts are interrupted by a soft snore coming from down near my feet and I suddenly notice the weight on the bed near to my legs. I shift myself to see a mess of silvery hair, Kaworu is kneeling down by the side of the bed, his head on the matress and facing away from me and he’s actually asleep. The idiot must have been watching over me and fallen asleep, couldn’t he have just gotten into the bed with me?

The memories of the argument come rushing back to me, I suppose he couldn’t have done. We weren’t exactly civil towards one another, were we? Or at least, I wasn’t civil towards him. What was it I was doing? Yelling at him because he couldn’t tell me about what Shinji had said. Calling him out because he just seemed to accept anything bad in his life.

Even as I think about it now I can feel some of that annoyance coming back to me. That passiveness within him... I really can’t stand it. I can’t stand it because I know it’ll only serve to hurt him. I know that the day will come where I or someone else won’t be in the area to fight for him.

Still... I went a bit too far. I brought up things that weren’t nice. I guess I should apologize. I shift myself up and let the duvet fall from me as I prod him in the back of the head. He lets out a moan and slowly looks up. His expression one of confusion as he turns to look at me, “A-Asuka... You’re awake!”

I nod my head, “Somewhat...”

“I-I was so worried... You.... You collapsed and I wasn’t sure what to do. I... I know you hate hospitals so I didn’t want to call an ambulance but I had to do something so I...” He hands his head, “I’m sorry, I called Fuyutsuki instead...”

“Ah...” I nod, I suppose it is better than him calling an ambulance, “What did the old man have to say?”

“Nothing really... he helped me get you into bed and clean up a bit. He took a look at my hands too.” Kaworu holds up his hands, in the dim light I can make up a bandage around one of them. I feel a wave of guilt wash over me.

“You... weren’t hurt, were you?”

He shakes his head, “I... burnt my leg a bit and a few cuts here and there but I’m fine. Fuyutsuki... I think he fears something bad had happened but I told him what had happened... I said we had an argument and I went to leave. I told him I tripped and fell and knocked the coffee pot over...”

“Did you tell him what happened to me?”

Kaworu nods, “Yes... I... Didn’t know if you would have wanted me to but... I thought it’d be best to tell him the truth. I told him you seemed to go into shock and passed out.”

Yeah...” I avert my eyes from him as I recall what triggered my episode. It was all just so similar to what I had seen years ago. Me being angry, the body on the floor, the coffee and the shards of glass. It was almost the same.

“Asuka... what happened?” Kaworu asks me, as I turn on the bedside light. I see him looking at me, his eyes full of concern.

“Nothing.” I answer him, “Just... forget about it for now Kaworu.”

“No!” He answers me sternly which actually surprises me. I look back at him as he reaches for my hand, “You could have been hurt Asuka. If I hadn’t have caught you in time you could have ended up falling onto the glass or hitting your head off of something. I’m not going to forget about it, what happened?”

I allow myself to smile, “So... you pick now of all times to become more assertive...”

“Asuka... I was scared, I... I didn’t want to lose you.”

“Idiot! You’re not going to lose me!” I let out another sigh as he squeezes my hand, “I guess... seeing as I expect you to open up then it’s only fair that I do as well. I want you to promise me something though, promise me that you’re going to be honest with me about your feelings, no hiding... okay?”

He nods, “I... I’ll try...”

“Good.” I nod back at him as I try to work out how to tell him this. I’m not sure I even understand what happened all of years ago myself, so how am I supposed to explain the damn thing. Maybe I could fake falling back to sleep and get away from this. No, that’s not going to work. Guess I just have to bit the bullet and go for it.

“When you fell I... remembered something.” I begin to explain, “It was... something I had tried to bury many years ago. In truth... I don’t even know if it really happened... my memories of that time are a little bit muddled up, I suppose dying will do that to you.”

“Dying?” Kaworu looks back at me confused by me statement.

I simply nod again, “Yeah... I died, remember? I suppose this memory is just after I died and Third Impact started. In fact... yeah, that’s where it’s from, the cusp of Instrumentality.”

Kaworu just looks more confused by what I’ve said, “I see but... I don’t understand. Fuyutsuki and Kodama told me people weren’t able to remember what happened to them during Instrumentality. I... I have no memory myself of that time.”

“Well... I guess I’m just special, aren’t I?” I answer him, “Look, I know all of that but I... I can remember it. I don’t know why, maybe it’s because I was so close the impact but I can. Do you want to hear it or not?”

Kaworu nods, “Yes.”

“Good.” I adjust the pillows behind me to get more comfortable, “I don’t know why but it was back at Misato’s apartment. I think maybe it was Shinji attempting to reach out to me, a final attempt to get my help. I was sat down in the kitchen not too differently to how I was earlier. Shinji... kept on telling me how much he wanted to help me.”

“This was after...” Kaworu begins to ask but doesn’t finish the question.

“Yes, it was after he had done that... and worse to the point it was a moment after I had found out about it. Again, not sure why but it was there I knew that he had done it and I knew that he had left me to die. Suffice to say I was not in a pleasant mood. All I felt was anger at him and how he had acted. I had needed his help moments before and he had done nothing and he had actually violated me moment before.”

I feel Kaworu squeeze my hand tightly as I say the last part. I watch his face and see his eyes flash for a moment as he frowns. I give him a moment before he speaks, his voice barely above a whisper, “What happened?”

“What do you think? I let him have it.” I almost laugh, “I told him that all he was doing was running from person to person to try to get help for himself. I asked him how he could ever expect someone to love him when he couldn’t even love himself. I called him out on what he was doing. He didn’t want to help me, he just wanted me to help him and make him feel better. Then I put my hands on him, I shoved him to the floor.”

“You... shoved him?”

“Yes.” I state, “As he went down he took out the table leg and make an episode of it. The coffee pot landed next to him and he just... sat there hissing in pain. A part of me wanted to help him up, apologize and try to move out of that hell but there was the louder part of me, the part that was sick of it all, that was sick of him, Misato, the world and sick of me that wanted me to push further. That part won... I just stood over his body and called him pathetic.”

Kaworu shifts, looking slightly uncomfortable by my words. I can’t blame him, I’m not comfortable knowing that I have that within me either.

“What happened next?”

“I saw the change in him when I said that and I saw as the last part of Shinji, the real Shinji, had just been pushed out of him.” I explain as my voice darkens, “I was so proud of myself, finally... I was going to get what I wanted. He got up, he staggered for a moment and I saw no life in his eyes... he went for me. His hands clamped themselves around my throat and I let it happen. I didn’t fight him...”

“You... let it happen?”

I nod, “I let him squeeze what life there was left within me. All I could think was, ‘Good, kill me, finish my pathetic life off. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care about this myself, I don’t care about you or this world.”

“Asuka...” Kaworu suddenly gets to his feet and sits himself on the edge of the bed, drawing me into a hug. I can feel tears stinging in my eyes as I recount my story. I blink them away, determined to not cry until I’m done.

“It was only a moment before things went black that I realized I had made a mistake. Fortunately, all I had done was force him to trigger Instrumentality.” I laugh, as if that was something to be proud of, “I... I got to see my mother, I saw a few other things and I pleaded... I pleaded and begged to be sent back, to be allowed to live my life again and fix my fuck ups but they wouldn’t let me. Shinji had been handed the keys, I had been given my chance and fucked it up.”

“Asuka, you weren’t to bla...”

“Stop it, I know what you’re going to say...” I interrupt him, “I wasn’t to blame for Instrumentality? I had no way of knowing? I’ve heard it all before, from myself and from Rei. I know that but... it doesn't make me feel any better. We were on the brink Kaworu, the goddamn brink because of me! I was close to being the catalyst for the end of all humanity, do you know how that feels?”

Kaworu looks at me blankly for a moment and I stare back awaiting a response. Suddenly it dawns on me exactly what I’ve just asked him, it dawns on me who I’m speaking to. He shrugs at me and gives me a slight embarrassed smile, “No, I don’t. Please do tell me.”

“Oh shut up!” I punch him playfully on the arm, “I guess my point was the kitchen thing it was just… really similar. It brought it all back. All those things I’ve tried to suppress for five years. All those things I’ve tried to run away from. I knew they needed to be confronted but just… not like this. If only I… had put that crutch in a better place!”

Kaworu smiles and shakes his head, “It wasn’t your fault Asuka. I was the one who tried to rush out of the room and… well you have seen how clumsy I can be. What happened was an accident.”

“You weren’t hurt too badly, were you?” I ask him as I rub his hand gently and guiltily look down at his bandaged hand.

“A few cuts on my hand but nothing too serious. Fuyutsuki took a good look at it, cleaned the wound and bandaged me up. It could have been a lot worse… for both of us.” He lowers his gaze for a moment, “I… am sorry for not opening up to you properly about my feelings. I have had… some time to think about the things you said…”

“Kaworu.” I cut him off quickly, “I was unfair to you, the things I said were… harsh.”

He shakes his head, “Perhaps, but also accurate. I have been over the last few months hiding my feelings on certain things that affect me negatively. It was not fair on you and it is not fair on myself. I… need to learn to not do this.”

“Still, I should not have been as harsh with you. What Shinji did, springing this on us like that it… didn’t put me in a good place but there was no need for what I said. I just… want you to be honest with your feelings…” I trail off for a moment, “I know that’s rich coming from me but…”

“I understand.” Kaworu nods at me once again, “I will try to do so. It is just… frightening for me.”

“What are you scared of?” As if I need to ask him that.

“Losing you… losing the life I’ve grown comfortable living.” He lets out a sigh, “Not being able to be me any longer. I feel like I have to accept things that happen to me, I have to accept things as they are otherwise I lose everything I have.”

“You know that won’t happen though.” I try to reassure him.

“That’s the thing Asuka… I don’t.” He answers, “I don’t know anything. Everything I have has been gifted to me. I was found on a beach in Japan at the start of this year with no knowledge of how to live. I didn’t know how to find a job, I still don’t. I didn’t know how to cook for myself, I didn’t know how to fend for myself, I didn’t even know how to buy things for myself. Without Kodama, Fuyutsuki and you I’d be useless. Even then I’m here because other people allow me to be, at the click of someone’s fingers I could be sent to some prison or… worse.”

“Kaworu, that won’t happen!” I answer him.

He nods, “Logically I know that. I know that so much but… I’m so scared it will. I’m so scared that if I don’t just bow down and accept what happens to me then they’ll just take it all away. I’m scared that if I don’t just go along with what happened I’ll lose people close to me. I don’t… want that.”

The emotion I wasn’t hearing before it’s there now, clear as day in his voice. The pain and anguish, the fear that I thought was lacking, it’s there and so recognizable. I reach up with a hand to cup his cheek, “You fear people will just up and abandon you, right?”

He nods, “Yes, I suppose it’s maybe more than that. I was never supposed to live this life. I was not supposed to die five years ago and stay dead. People… aren’t normally given a second chance, I’m unique in that.”

I shrug, “Well I mean, there is me… and Rei… and Misato I guess, but sure, you’re unique.”

He laughs, “Point taken, I just… feel I am more fortunate because of what I was.”

“You’re not fortunate Kaworu! You have what anyone should be entitled to have!” I answer back, “You were a victim of all of that too.”

“I know that!” He snaps back in frustration, “I know I was a ‘victim’ but I can’t hide from the fact that I hurt people and I hate that. I hate living with that guilt knowing what I did and what I nearly did. I hate not knowing what I should feel guilty about and what I shouldn’t feel guilty about. I hate that my only response to bad things that happen to me are to accept it. I hate that I got beat up by some thugs and I just accepted it because I think I deserved it. I hate that my only response to being told I couldn’t travel was that I deserved it. I hate that I felt I had no right to get angry about the things Shinji did to you!”

“So… that did make you angry?”

“Yes! God yes, it made me so angry!” He answers, “Somethings it feels like my heart is being torn into two pieces. I just want that pain to stop and I know I can make it stop if I’m honest but I’m scared of being honest because I think if I am everything will be taken away from me. I’m at the mercy of this world and at any moment it can all be snatched away from me. What then? I’ll have nothing, I’ll be nothing!”

“Kaworu.” I look deep into his eyes as I draw him closer, “That will never… ever happen. I promise you as long as I am breathing I will not let that happen to you.”

“Thank you.” His voice is just above a whisper, “I will… try to be more honest with you. I will try to believe that. I guess, I still have so much left to learn.”

“We all do.” I nod, “The Asuka you see now is a world away from the one you would have seen several years ago. Even I’m still figuring this stuff out.”

“The thing with Shinji…” He looks at me, “I should be honest about it… He did make me angry when he told me those things. I appreciate the circumstances were extreme but I still find it hard to imagine him being capable of that.”

“Do you blame yourself?” I ask him.

He nods, “A little bit, but I am trying not to. I know deep down he only has himself to blame and he has to live with that. Still, if you forgive him then I will also do such a thing. That is what I would like to do.”

“I did forgive him. I forgave him a long time ago.” I reply to Kaworu, “Honestly… it was something I never wanted to think about. Everything was so fucked up at that time that I can’t help but think if it was the other way around I’d have done the same. I’m not exactly clean as a person, you know that.”

“I understand.” Kaworu smiles at me, “I think you should speak to him about it though, it is clearly something that weighs on him.”

“Oh, I intend to, believe me.” I nod, “As for you… what do you want to do?”

“Right now?” I see a blush come to his cheeks, “Right now I… would very much like to make love to you.”

It takes me a moment to actually realize what he has just said. The smile fades from my lips as I look at him and raise an eyebrow, “Really… now?”

He nods, “Y-Yes… I… I do not know why but suddenly I feel… like I want to… If you do not want to then that is okay… I-“

I feel my hand lower from his cheek down to his shirt where I grab it tightly and pull him towards me. My free hand reaches around the back of his head, running my hands through his soft hair as our lips touch. I slide my tongue into his mouth, eliciting a soft moan from him.

After a moment my hand leaves his shirt, moving to the side of his body. I feel him as he shifts himself from the side of the bed, casts the duvet aside and moved into a position over me. We continue our kiss, our tongues dancing as our hands explore one another’s bodies. His touch elicits little sparks of electricity through me as my desire for him takes over.

Finally I break the kiss, “Is that a good enough answer for you?”


	21. The Damage

**October 25 th \- Tokyo 2 – Shinji Ikari**

I’m not sure Tokita expected to see me here when he opened the door to Misato. In fact, I’m sure that if looks could kill I’d be little more than a pile of ash his doorstep right now. I try to remind myself to not feel bad about this. His dislike of me isn’t my fault and his dislike of me isn’t justified. Yet, as I follow him and Misato silently into his office, I can’t help but feel guilty.

We enter through a darkened and heavy set of wooden double doors into his office. It is exactly what I expected for someone like him. Dotted around the walls are various photographs of Tokita meeting important people, world leaders, CEOs, celebrities, that sort of thing. In some cases, the photograph is accompanied by a newspaper headline or clipping.

As my eyes scan the room, one photograph in particular catches my eye. It’s of Tokita and two others, a man and a woman wearing lab coats and protective headgear. They are all smiling for the camera and in the background, I can see part of the Jet Alone. I look back at Tokita, he has aged considerably since that photo was taken it seems and I feel those little pangs of guilt stab at me.

I turn to the photo again, they all must have been proud of what they had made. The Jet Alone was supposed to have been a viable alternative to the Evangelion. It was supposed to have been a machine that could fight the Angels instead, it would operate remotely with no need for a pilot and didn’t have the same power limitations that the Eva did.

The only thing that set it apart was the lack of an A.T. Field, I don’t know if they ever would have figured that out. Knowing what I know now about A.T. Fields it... doesn’t seem possible, it seems that the Eva’s could do what they did because of what they were and that just couldn’t be replicated in a machine.

Still, they must have been proud of their creation and I think I would have liked the idea of something like that existing. I hated piloting so anything that would take the weight of it off of my shoulders would have been welcomed. NERV... had other ideas though I guess.

SEELE... NERV... my father made the Jet Alone into a joke. I don’t know the exact details of it but I remember afterwards seeing a lot of news programs and newspapers running stories about the Jet Alone and the company that made it. None of them saying anything good. Tokita... was a big believer in that project, one the people in charge of it. He must have invested a lot and to see it crumble like that must have hurt.

I feel more pangs of guilt in my stomach, I helped contribute to that didn’t I? The images of the Jet Alone being stopped had Eva Unit 01 in there. Me and Misato... we stopped that machine but we were only doing what we thought was right. We didn’t know the thing had been sabotaged!

“Miss Katsuragi, thank you for agreeing to meet with me. Mr Ikari, your presence is unexpected yet also welcome.” He declares, snapping me from my thoughts and causing me to turn back to face him. He is now sat at his desk, his eyes still locked onto me. His stare is piercing, almost like he is trying to intimidate me, yet it feels mild compared to what I’ve seen before. “I know the two of you will probably not want to be here anymore than I want the two of you here, so we should get this out of the way as quickly as possible, agreed?”

“At least you’re honest, okay fine.” Misato nods, “Let’s get on with this.”

Tokita stands up and continues to glare, “Very well, first of all the committee have deemed it necessary that I should apologize to the two of you for my conduct during the debates regarding Mr Nagisa. I accept that my actions were unprofessional on that occasion, so I would like to extend an apology to both yourself and Miss Langley Soryu.”

He looks at me after speaking but the apology itself carries very little, if any, sincerity. I should know, I’m an expert at apologizing to people, I can tell when it means nothing. Tokita isn’t sorry for anything, he is doing this purely because they’ve asked him to.

I turn to look at Misato, from the look on her face I think she knows this is bullshit as well but then again, she is about to do the same. She is about to apologize for something she knows wasn’t her fault. She likely won’t mean that apology. This is what being an adult in this situation Is about, isn’t it? Just saying the right words so that you can get what you want. There is no meaning in this. I... I hate this aspect of adults.

Still, how many times have I said I’m sorry? How many times did I take the blame for something that wasn’t my fault just because it was easy and convenient. Asuka used to berate me all the time for it. It was just my defense mechanism she used to say. I’m just as bad as these people are. Still, I don’t want to be like that. I want to be sincere in what I say.

Before I know it, I’ve taken a step forward. I know Misato will have a go at me for this later, if not after I do it but I feel like I have to do this. Maybe I wasn’t at fault for what had happened but my words will carry some weight at least. It isn’t like the person responsible for it is here to apologize and... I’m the closest person to him so... it must mean something.

“Thank you.” I start to speak, “I... would also like to apologize to you. For the actions of my father and NERV many years ago during the Jet Alone tests.”

“Shinji!” I hear Misato snap at me almost immediately after I speak, “I thought I told you to not apologize!”

“I know that Misato but...”

“What happened had nothing to do with you and you know it!” She snaps back at me which causes me to turn and look at her.

“It had nothing to do with you either!” I fire back, “Yet, you were going to say the same thing. Why does it matter who says it?”

“Enough.” I hear Tokita suddenly speak, cutting us off before Misato can answer me. I turn around to see him looking directly at me, the glare is still there but I feel like some of the hatred has lessened somewhat, “Ikari, you were saying?”

I look at the photo of Tokita and the others again before turning back to the man himself. I hadn’t really gotten this far in my head, I was kinda hoping that after I had said that Misato would jump in to say the rest. I turn to her for help but she shakes her head.

“I was... apologizing on behalf of my father and NERV for what happened to the Jet Alone.” I answer as I lower my gaze to the ground, “I don’t really know what happened but I... I know it was a big deal. I know you... lost a lot because of it.”

I look back up and see his gaze hasn’t shifted from me, I feel a chill run down my spine as I turn and see MIsato also looking at me. I can’t help but feel I’ve handled this badly, that I’ve made a mistake by actually trying to take action for once. Tokita seems unconvinced by what I’ve said and I’ve pissed Misato off as well.

Is this the second time in two days my mouth and lack of thought has gotten me into trouble? No, I’m sure this is the right thing to do. I’m sure this time I should be doing this, I have to put things right here. If he doesn’t accept it or believe me then that is on him but I’m getting this out there. I’m not having me or Misato take the blame for this. I’m sure if Asuka was here she’d be backing me up on this too.

“I know you hate me because of what my father did and... I’m fine with that.” I continue to speak, “My father hurt a lot of people, I know I’m not to blame for it but... his actions hurt people and I should-”

“You are incorrect.” Much to my surprise it is Tokita who interrupts me, “Katsuragi, is what he is saying correct?”

I look at Misato and she nods, “Yes, it is. NERV sabotaged your project to not only ensure it wouldn’t work but also that any future development would no longer go ahead. Part of the reason I agreed to meet you was to deliver an official apology on behalf of...”

“On behalf of people who are no longer here to face the repercussions of their actions, unless you are about to tell that you had something to do with it?”

“Misato had nothing to do with it.” I answer back before Misato has a chance to, “We were desperate to stop that thing. Misato jumped into the core of that thing, she made herself ill for the best part of the night trying to stop that thing. She was told she was lucky to have survived, she wouldn’t have done that if she knew everything was going to be fine!”

Tokita looks between the two of us and then locks his eyes on me again, “It seems I might have been wrong about you Ikari, perhaps you are not the man I thought you were. Although if I can, I would advise against any sort of political career, whilst your outburst here was within a safe place, such things would be dangerous in public. If the wrong person were to hear you, what do you think would have happened?”

I look at Misato and she nods, “That’s why I told you to let me handle it.”

“O-Oh...” I stop to think about it for a moment, was what I had just done really all that stupid? If I had left it to Misato he would have learned the same thing, wouldn’t he? But... no, I did the right thing. Still I think about all the meetings Misato has been in, how she has told me the various NDAs she has had to sign. Was this another case like that, was I even supposed to be here?

“Still, what is done is done I suppose.” Tokita continues, “I appreciate the truth finally coming out. I always suspected something had happened but there was little I could do about it. Immediately after the failed test the project was halted, funding stripped and the company had to declare bankruptcy. It was a national embarrassment.”

I can hear the venom in his voice as he speaks, I don’t blame him. He clearly believed in what he was doing, even if he did come across as arrogant towards Misato at that time. In the end, he was just a victim.

“There was no guarantee it would have worked anyway.” Misato replies, “Not in a fight against the Angels.”

“Perhaps, but it was never given that opportunity and we will never know.” He replies, “Still, perhaps it would be best to move on from this. I appreciate the apology, and would once again like to apologize for my actions. Still, I would like to ask the two of you, do you honestly believe Nagisa is not a threat?”

Misato looks at me for a moment and then back to him, she shakes her head, “I have my doubts. Maybe on another day I might have even agreed with you to restrict him altogether. I saw first-hand what he was capable of, I was there to watch him talk with SEELE and I... saw what he did to Shinji.”

“So enlighten me, why change your mind?”

Misato shrugs, “Maybe I haven’t. Maybe in the back of my head I do still see him as a threat. Maybe a part of me does think that members of SEELE somehow survived and they’re either in communication with him or waiting to get in contact with him. Maybe I do think he’ll regain his abilities as an Angel and finish what he tried to start five years ago. It’s all possible...”

“You aren’t making a very convincing case Katsuragi.”

“But it’s also possible that what we have seen is the truth. That he was another victim of SEELEs manipulation. That he is completely human and that he just wants to have a chance to live his life.” Misato answers him, “I... do have doubts, of course I do but I also know my doubts are built off of my past feelings towards the Angels and him in particular. It’s a gamble, I know but... I’m willing to take that chance.”

“And you Ikari, you are willing to let things go?”

I nod, “Yes, I don’t want to live in the past anymore. I’m not my father.”

**October 28 th \- Berlin – Kaworu Nagisa**

I lean back in my chair and look around the currently empty office and enjoy this brief moment and peace and calm within myself. I do not know how long these feelings will last for, so I hope to enjoy them whilst they do last. I suppose as long as I try to uphold my promise of being more open and honest with my own feelings then it will go some way to alleviating some of the anxieties within myself.

Admitting those things to Asuka... it was not easy. It seems so silly to think that now as I reflect on it but there was such a struggle to tell her about my fears. I am glad that I have though, I feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, I feel some sense of clarity.

My next obstacle is to speak to Shinji about his confessions to me. I sent him a quick e-mail to let him know that things are okay between us and that I do still wish to see him. I haven’t spoken to him about the various things Asuka told me. I do not think it is my place to get involved with that, that is for Asuka and Shinji to discuss.

I have also been asking myself a number of questions though regarding Shinji. I have been questioning whether or not I do wish to return to Tokyo-3 to see him again. I have been questioning if what I imagined Shinji to be is truly the person he is. I realize it was probably silly to expect him to be that pure vision that I had within my head but I did not expect things to have been as bad as I have been told.

I am sure people outside of the three of us would perhaps question why any of us would want to see the other. We have all in some way hurt each other, in devastating ways but I think perhaps why is why we want to, why we need to meet with one another again. This race of beings that I belong to, we all have the capacity to learn, change and grow from the people we were into better people. It is up to us whether or not we take it.

Shinji, I think took his chance, he regrets his actions, he is apologetic for them and expressed as much. No, his actions can’t be justified and ignored but he has spent years going over them again and again. He faced Instrumentality, had himself stripped to his very core and witnessed his life and all the events that transpired. He was made to witness worlds with and without him. He has been within his own mind for all that time, to be lost within your own mind, to relive your mistakes... that is painful, that is a punishment in of itself.

I lean forward again just in time for Fuyutsuki to enter the office. He nods politely at me, “Good morning Nagisa, I trust you are well today?”

I nod back, “I am fine, how are you?”

“Doing well.” he checks his watch, “Whilst I remember, we have a meeting this afternoon with some representatives from the Japanese government regarding the future of the emergence facility.”

I nod again, “No problem, do we know what the decision is yet?”

“Not yet unfortunately. I would like to remain optimistic that the facility can be kept open for a little while longer, it is true that the numbers have dropped again but as long as people are still returning having such a facility is in our best interests.”

“Of course.” I smile and nod as my mind wanders to my own memories of being within that facility. It hasn’t even been a year since I was found on that beach and taken there. I had no memory of who I was but within an evening that all came flooding back to me. In the months that followed I did often wonder if it would have been better for me to have not regained my memory at all but then I would not have met Asuka, I would not be in the position I am now.

I wonder how Kodama is doing now. I don’t know if I ever really told her how much she helped me back then. She didn’t judge me for my past actions, she just tried to help me move forward. I hope she knows how much I appreciate that.

“if it were to close, what would happen to the people working within it?” I ask.

“Well, they would likely be posted to another medical facility either within Tokyo-2 or somewhere of their choosing. They would certainly not go without a job.” he begins to explain, “As for people who return, the government would see to it that they would still be treated but my concern is that this could hinder people's recovery. They would likely be moved to a general-purpose care facility and would not receive the same specialist treatment.”

“So, it would be bad for them?”

“Perhaps, I think people when they return need as little disruption as possible, so having the facilty where it is and serving that purpose and that purpose alone helps.” he tells me, “I do understand the concerns raised, with fewer people the need for a dedicated facility decreases and treatment elsewhere would be cheaper.”

“I would like it to remain open.” I add, “It... They helped me a lot when I returned.”

“indeed, and it is your return that helped spark this wave of discussions. Before you came back they were almost certainly going to close it, it seemed your return was a catalyst for many more to come back.”

“I... do not understand how that happened but... I am glad to have done something good.”

“Indeed, whilst I remember how is Ms Soryu doing? Have there been any further problems?”

I shake my head, “No, nothing, she has been fine. Thank you for coming around the other night. I... wasn’t really sure what I should do, Asuka... hates hospitals so taking her there seemed like a last resort.”

“Well, given what I know about Asuka I can understand your hesitation but it probably would have been the best thing to do.” He explains, “She was lucky she wasn’t hurt more by her fall but... it is best to not dwell on such things.”

“I know... it just seems like the stress of the debate with the U.N, her book, and a number of other things got to her. I think that when we argued it... well it was a bit too much.” I explain, not wishing to betray the various things Asuka told me to Fuyutsuki. Her distrust of him has been made quite clear to me and whilst I do not share her sentiments I will respect them.

“Arguments are unfortunately a part of any relationship. There will always be certain things or events that will cause people to disagree, it can be something silly or something serious. I trust you two are alright now though?”

I nod again, “Yes, we are quite fine. We have... discussed what has happened in great detail.”

“Very good.” He smiles, “And I trust you are both eager to visit Japan in December?”

“We are...” I hesitate for a moment as my mind returns to my previous thoughts of Shinji. I admit, my excitement has been dampened somewhat by what I have heard. I am also quite nervous about the reality of the situation, this is going to happen. I am going to see Shinji and a number of his friends and the people he calls his family. They will know about me, who I am and whilst Shinji may have forgiven me I wonder about their feelings, “I must admit, I am nervous about encountering Shinji’s friends and that I may not be received quite so warmly by them.”

“Understandable.” He nods, “Stepping back into a world like that can be frightening. I am sure you have nothing to be worried about though. I believe Shinji’s friends are similar to him in their capacity to forgive.”

“Thank you.” I lower my eyes as he answers my concern. Still, there is one other thing concerning me. I still have questions regarding Shinji and the person he is.

“Is there something else concerning you?”

“Perhaps” I admit to him, I don’t think it’d be a good idea to tell Fuyutsuki the intimate details of what I have been told and heard from Shinji. I do not think he needs to hear that sort of thing but I know he can perhaps still offer some advice, “I... cannot tell you exactly what it is but recently Shinji told me certain things that have concerned me. I am unsure how to proceed with this information. I guess it kinda taught me that there is a lot about Shinji I don’t really know.”

“I see... Well I am afraid I do not know how much I can help you in that regard. Regretfully I do not know Shinji quite as much as I should do. I have been somewhat neglectful to him in my role as his godfather over the years.”

“You’re his godfather?” I look at Fuyutsuki surprised, although I’m not sure if I should be. After all I know how close he was to Shinji’s parents.

“Yes.” Fuyutsuki confirms, “Both his father and Yui came to me upon finding out they were to have a child. Unfortunately, as I have said, I have not been very active in that role. I maintained distance when he was growing up on his father's orders and whilst I have endeavored to help him since Third Impact I have still maintained some distance. I do not think he even knows I am his godfather.”

I can hear the regret in Fuyutsuki’s voice as he speaks. I truly had no idea about any of this, if I had have done I would perhaps not have asked. Still, I have already started to delve into this rabbit hole, I cannot turn around now, “You... know him more than I do though. What is he... like?”

“In many ways he is very much like his father, although I appreciate that is not a good comparison to make. Shinji in my experience can be quick to act, stubborn and extremely fearful of being hurt.” Fuyutsuki answers my question and I simply nod. I know for a fact Shinji would not like to hear that, he confided a lot in me regarding his father and his feelings towards the man back when I first met him, I doubt much will have changed.

“You were... friends with his father, weren’t you?” As I ask Fuyutsuki the question I see him lower his eyes and I wonder if maybe that question has crossed a line.

“I was the closest thing Gendo Ikari ever had to a friend, but I would not say I was his friend. I do not think Gendo Ikari ever had friends.” Fuyutsuki starts to explain, “The truth is that I severely disliked the man, from the very moment I met him through to the last time I ever saw him. I did have some respect for him, I could see the potential within him but I could see all that held him back too, so no, I was not his friend.”

“I see...” I reply with some confusion in my voice. Fuyutsuki’s words have surprised me a little bit, the impression I always got from SEELE was that the two of them were close friends, perhaps another lie?

“That is not to say we were not close.” Fuyutsuki speaks again, “I did help him with many of his plans after he lost Yui. He confided in me all of his plans for the future. What I did... was not out of loyalty to him though, what I did was out of grief, the grief I felt when we lost Yui. It was my desire to see her again, my belief that maybe he was right and we could see her again. It was my inability to take action and let myself be a pawn in his machinations rather than fulfilling my promises to her.”

“I am... sorry, I did not mean to pry into your past.” I quickly reply, wishing that I had no opened this can of worms. It had been my intention to ask for advice regarding Shinji and to find out more about him, not to re-open old wounds of Fuyutsuki’s.

“Do not apologize, I realize that there is much of this world and the one before that you do not know. Remain curious and ask questions, it is the only way you will find anything out for yourself. With that said, I feel that the conversations about my past is for another time, it was Shinji you wished to know about?”

“Y-Yeah... I just... well I wondered what he was like. All I know is the things I have been told about him and the small glimpse I got of his life. I realized that I have this idealized view of him and learning that the reality might not be that has... shaken me somewhat. Is he really like his father?”

“Well, as I said, in some ways he is. We all inherit aspects of our parents whether we like it or not. Shinji is not an exception to this but we decide our own path to follow. So, whilst he has aspects of his father, he channels them in a different way. Unlike his father, Shinji has utilized the stubbornness and quickness to act to help others.”

I think back to some of the things I’ve heard about Shinji, and even how he helped me, “I have heard he can be quite selfless at times.”

“Indeed, sometimes at great personal risk to himself or against orders.” Fuyutsuki answers, “I have witnessed him dive into a live volcano to save a friend. I saw him refuse to fight an infected Eva lest he hurt the human pilot inside despite the fact that his life was at risk. I... was there when the very fate of the world was put into his hands.”

“I see...” I trail off, not quite sure how to respond to what Fuyutsuki has told me or how to continue this conversation, “So... he is a good person?”

“Nagisa...” Fuyutsuki begins to answer, “I do not know exactly what Shinji has told you, nor am I going to speculate or pry but the truth is that, to borrow a cliché, life is not quite as black and white as people try to make it out to be, it is varying shades of grey. Good people are capable of doing bad things and bad people are capable of doing good things, it can be frightening to acknowledge that because we all build up our own images of what a person is like but rarely is that correct.”

He pauses for a moment as I think about the truth of his words. Bad people can do good things, I suppose that is true. I know from my own experience that people aren’t always the typical villain that we might make them out to be, the members of SEELE proved that. They were fundamentally bad people but they weren’t constantly being evil, thinking about it, they had lives outside of their plans. They were capable of good things.

This could be true. Shinji did a bad thing, unjustifiable but that doesn’t mean I should shut him out or turn my back on him.

“I see... I think I understand now.”

“My advice, talk to Shinji. Engage with him and clear the air between the two of you. Decide for yourself whether or not he deserves your forgiveness but I think in this case whatever he has done can be overcome. “

I nod, knowing that Fuyutsuki is right. I should speak to Shinji. I shoud tell him how what he has told me makes me feel, I should admit my uncertainty but I should leave that door open. I should express to him I don’t want our friendship to end. I should tell him that he should begin to forgive himself for his actions just as I am trying to forgive myself for my actions.

**October 28 th \- Berlin – Asuka Langley Soryu**

I am once again sat at the kitchen table and lost in thought as I stare at my phone. I’m doing the sort of thinking that can sometimes be bad for me. The sort that allows me to get lost inside my own head, makes me relive moments or play out moments yet to happen repeatedly until I don’t know what to do.

It’s so easy to get lost inside that spiral and I hate it because I let it happen to me so much and all the time it always ends with me hating myself just that little bit more. This time I’m trying to make sure I don’t get pulled into that spiral, it’s hard because I have to relive some moments of my past and work out how things ended up the way they did.

My path so far has been to start with what Shinji told Kaworu the other day. He admitted certain things to Kaworu and I’m annoyed that he spoke to Kaworu about it first rather than me. I was the victim, I should have been asked first but what is done is done. Shinji is an idiot and I’ll let him know that.

So now, Kaworu knows that side of Shinji. He knows about the things Shinji did to me in that hospital and he knows about the argument we had after Third Impact started. Well, I told him about my side of it, I guess I still have some things I need to confirm about that. I’ve came up with questions and things I want to say to Shinji when I contact him today.

At the same time, I’ve had to ask myself a few questions, one I didn’t think I had to ask. Yet, due to Shinji bringing this stuff up it has become necessary for me to answer them. I guess the first question I had for myself was, do I actually want to see Shinji again? When I take into account all of those things, the hospital room, being left to die and instrumentality itself, do I really want to see him again?

Yes, I do.

Secondly, do I actually forgive him for all that has happened? Do I forgive him for each and every one of those incidents? I think I do. Previously I just wanted to forget about them. I wanted to store those memories in a dark corner of my mind and pretend they never happened. I never wanted to face them but I know you can’t run away from things forever, no matter how much you try to hide it, eventually it will catch up to you.

The worst thing is, a part of me still wants to blame myself for those three things. It wants me to say that I was in some way to blame and made him do it. I know its bullshit, I know I wasn’t to blame. He is responsible for his own actions, no one else. I need to understand that and when I speak to him, I need to make sure he knows this.

Thirdly, and I suppose not related to those incidents but in the lead up, do I forgive myself for how I acted. I hate who I was back then. I hate the image of that arrogant Asuka who looked down on people at any opportunity. The Asuka who yelled at people and made demands of them because she felt so superior to them all. I was not a nice person, I crossed lines and upset people and part of this is me forgiving myself.

Not yet, I still need to work on that.

I let out the sigh I’ve been holding and switch to his contact details on the phone. If I keep putting this off I get lost further and it never happens. The phone only rings a couple of times before he answers and I hear his voice, _“Asuka?”_

“Hello Shinji, are you free to talk?”

I try to sound as neutral as I can, I don’t want to sound too friendly in this situation because we do have important things to talk about but I don’t want to sound too serious either because I don’t want to scare him off.

A part of me wonders if we should be doing this by phone at all. I think I’d much rather do it in person but then if I continue to put it off I know how it’ll weigh down on both of us. If we get this partly resolved now then it helps us both. I also... guess I don’t want Shinji to have too much additional stress when it comes to his concert.

 _“Yeah... Is everything okay?”_ Shinji answers me. I can hear the nervousness in his voice as he speaks to me. I hope he can’t hear it in mine.

“They’re fine.” I answer him, “I just figured that we should talk about... well those things you brought up the other day.”

The line goes completely silent and I do wonder if maybe he has hung up on me. I take a moment to glance at the screen, the timer is still going so he is still there. It takes a few more moments before he actually responds, _“Yes... We probably should. I... I’m sorry about bringing that stuff up. I don’t know what I was thinking.”_

“You weren’t thinking... and that’s part of the problem. You’ve always been a bit like that. Not stopping to consider what you’re doing. Either that or... you were thinking too much, which is another problem.” I reply to him, again remaining calm, “But... it’s out there now, isn’t it? So, I suppose we have to address it. I guess, we should have addressed it a long time ago, so we do it properly this time.”

“Yeah...” he pauses, “Asuka about... what I did to you in that hospital room... there is... no excuse for it.”

Shinji’s voice cracks as he gets to the end of his sentence and I give him a moment to compose himself, “it’s okay, carry on...”

“I could... tell you that I wasn’t myself or I could blame the things that had happened to me that got me to that point but the fact is... I had a choice. I had a choice on whether or not to do it, I knew it was wrong but... I didn’t stop. I violated you Asuka and I... I am so sorry for that.”

I feel my skin get prickly as I hear him say those words. It feels so weird to hear someone else talk about what happened to me. It feels weird to hear it out loud, it’s like confirmation that it actually happened. I swallow and then answer, “I forgive you. I’ve said that to you once before, many years ago and I don’t know if you believed it then. I guess not because I don’t think I meant it back then. I was just trying to forget about it. I was just trying to pretend it never happened and run away from it.”

I pause as I cast my mind back to that moment I ‘forgave’ him many years ago. It was a very quick and one-sided conversation, I don’t remember him participating in it at all. I had stopped him in the corridor in our apartment, I think he was on his way to the bathroom and I was about to go out. I said to him I knew what he had done and to forget about it, I said I forgave him. I walked out before he had a chance to reply to me.

I can look back on that moment with clarity now. I know fine well that wasn’t really me forgiving him. At that point I had made my decision to leave, so I just wanted to give him something to feel good about before I left. The real forgiveness comes now. It is only now that I’m confronted with his words and his apologies that I can exorcise this demon within me.

_“T-Thank you...”_

“Please, believe me when I say that. I do forgive you. You are right, there isn’t any excuse for what you did. I... can’t even begin to describe how it made me feel when I did find out about it. I think... it’s time to let it go though, it’s time we drew a line in the sand and moved on from it.”

 _“O-Okay...”_ His voice is still trembling as he speaks but there is a little bit more strength to it, _“Does... Kaworu hate me now?”_

I shake my head and let out a small sigh, “No... Kaworu doesn’t hate you but he... well he isn’t happy with it either. He’s not quite sure how to deal with this, he had a certain... image of you I guess.”

_“I guess... I’ve let him down...”_

“And he let you down Shinji, by betraying you and nearly destroying the world!” I answer Shinji, “All of us... we’re all answering for some of the shitty things we’ve done in the past. Some of us more than others. Just... don’t worry about Kaworu, he’ll figure things out.”

_“Does he... well do the two of you still want to visit?”_

“Yes...” I let out another sigh, “You’re not going to get out of seeing us that easily Shinji. We are still going to visit you and that means that you had better be at your best for it. I expect nothing less than perfection from you. If not... well then I will be mad at you.”

I hear him laugh when I say that and allow myself a quick smile, _“Thank you Asuka...”_

I’m about to say goodbye to him but before I do I glance down at the floor and something catches my eye. The coffee that was spilled the other day has stained the floorboards. I guess this isn’t over just yet, I still have one more demon to get rid of.

I’ve thought quite a bit about that moment, about that strange dreamlike sequence that existed on the brink of reality. It’s another moment I’ve tried to not think of really, but it’s another one that has been pushed back into my mind for one reason or another. I can remember those moments clearly, me goading Shinji and him attacking me. I’m not even sure if it was real.

“Shinji... I...” I begin to speak but my voice gets caught up in my throat for a moment. I take a brief moment to calm myself down, this isn’t something I ever really wanted to talk about, “There was something else I... had to speak to you about. It was... just that... well, do you remember what happened to you during Third Impact?”

 _“Every little bit of it.”_ His voice darkens as he answers me, _“I... I still have nightmares about it Asuka. I can remember everything.”_

His admission doesn’t really make this next part any easier. I’m scared as to how he’ll react if what I say happened did actually happen between us.

“I... remember it too.” I speak, “I guess... because of how close I was to it all, I’m a little bit different to other people. I’m one of the few, maybe the only one other than you who can remember it. I just... I guess I wanted to ask you about something that happened to me... I remember this moment with you and me... arguing in the apartment.”

The phone goes silent again save for the sound of his breathing. My fear has been somewhat confirmed, it was real and he does remember it.

 _“T-That... was... real?”_ He answers, _“No... No I... I thought that was a vision... I thought... I didn’t think it was real... I remember but... Asuka I... I’m sorry... I...”_

“Shinji slow down!” I quickly and sternly cut him off, “Slow down, what do you mean you thought it wasn’t real?”

_“I... I don’t... it was... all so messed up... I... I’m sorry... I’m so sorry... I tried... I hurt you...”_

“Shinji... calm down.”, I feel a tightening on my neck but I try to ignore it. I need to hear more about this now that I have confirmation it was real. I’ve always been a bit uncertain as to whether or not it happened, whether it was really Shinji or just some vision sent to torture me and lead me towards what it was I thought I wanted, “I just want to know if you remember it... so I know if it really happened.”

 _“Yes... Yes, it happened...”_ Shinji confirms again, _“I was... I was in Unit 01, I had just seen you... well... you know...”_

“Yes... I know...” I suppress a shudder at the thought of what those bastards did to me.

_“It’s all a blur but... the Eva series was moving around me and... Rei... Lilith appeared before me. I... think I passed out or something but the next thing I knew was I was in the apartment with you. I was trying to tell you I wanted to help you but you kept on yelling at me... I thought you were just there to attack me and hurt me, I thought it was just some vision to torture me... you... you shoved me over and I...”_

I recoil once again as I remember what happened next, the deadness in his eyes as he moved towards me. I remember how my only thoughts were to encourage it and let it happen, “I remember...”

 _“I didn’t... I didn’t think it was real... If I did I... I wouldn’t... I... Asuka... I’m so sorry...”_ His voice cracks as he apologizes. I shift in my seat uncomfortably as I feel tears stinging the back of my own eyes.

“It... It was real...” I answer, “Thank you for... confirming it for me. I... I’m sorry it upset you.”

My hand reaches up to touch my throat as I run the tips of my fingers lightly across it. I hear a sniff from the other end of the phone that threatens to tip me over the edge.

_“Asuka...”_

“I forgive you Shinji.” I reply immediately, “I forgive you... It happened and neither of us knew it was real. I just... I had to know it was real. I just... need to process all of this. Please don’t... don’t beat yourself up about this. I do forgive you, just... let I say, lets draw a line in the sand and move on.”

_“Asuka I... I’m so sorry...”_

“I know Shinji... I know you are... I’ll... call you later okay.”

_“O-Okay... goodbye.”_

The line goes dead as I sit and try to process the conversation we’ve just had. I suppose we still have a lot to talk about and deal with when we do get to Japan. Strangely though I do feel like a weight has been lifted from me. I just hope the same can be said for Shinji.


	22. The Leavers

**1 st December – Somewhere over Europe – Asuka Langley Soryu**

I look at my watch and see that we’ve been in the air for just over one and a half hours now. This is a flight that for the past five or so years I didn’t think I’d ever take. A flight back to Japan, to visit those people I had once left behind.

I can actually feel butterflies in my stomach as the reality of it all is starting to set in. I’m on the plane, I’m in my seat, there is no longer an opportunity for me to turn around and go back. I can no longer run away from it, in ten or so hours both myself and Kaworu will step out of this plane, we will go into the terminal, collect our luggage and be met by them all in the arrivals lounge.

I’ve dreamed of such moments before, dreamed about it and had nightmares about it. So many times, I’ve envisioned what might happen, I’ll see them all and then... they’ll all tell me what an awful person I was and still am. I still have that fear, deep down, that this is what might happen but I know it won’t. I just don’t know what will happen, and I suppose that uncertainty frightens me.

Will I be as I am now or will a part of me regress into that Asuka of so many years ago? I guess in ten hours we’ll find out.

I know things will be awkward, aside from Rei these are all people who I literally haven’t seen since I left. I don’t even know what any of them look like now. All I have of them is that image of how they were when I was fourteen. Misato, Shinji, Hikari... hell even the stooges, none of them have aged in my mind. It’ll be strange to see them all again, will I recognize them? Will they recognize me?

Heh, stupid question, I guess. Of course, I’ll get recognized, I don’t think there are many redheads walking around in Japan, we do tend to stand out. Still... it is weird to think that will all look different to how they were when I last saw them. Shinji in particular, to me I can’t imagine how he might have changed. To me, he is still that meek looking fourteen-year-old that I spoke to and left behind many years ago.

I admit, I have thought about how he might have aged. Will he have grown his hair longer? Grown any facial hair? Did he get much taller? Did he fill out? Is he more muscular? Knowing the way Shinji is I actually can’t imagine him changing much, all I can imagine is him looking a little bit older but being exactly the same as I knew him.

Maybe I should have asked him for a photo when we were speaking. I could have asked him or Rei but the thought never cross my mind. In some way I’m glad I didn’t, it’ll be more of a surprise and more fun this way.

There is someone else I need to consider in this as well. I move my hand and let it rest gently on top of that person's hand, I let my fingers entwine with his and watch him as he turns around and gives me a nervous smile. I saw nothing as he turns back around to look out of the window, he has his earphones in anyway so he likely wouldn’t have heard me, so I just gently squeeze his hand.

I wonder what he is thinking or feeling right now. He seems to be in awe of the sights outside the window. I suppose I can understand why, this is the first time he’s properly seen the world from this perspective. He has been on planes before but they were military craft and he was confined to a windowless section. He’s never been able to just... enjoy it.

I’m content to let him enjoy it as much as possible. I know he must be nervous about the people we’re going to see and this whole experience. He is stepping back into a world in which he feels he is still seen as an enemy. I admit, I do share that worry a little bit. I remember how he was attacked by those supposed to protect him, I know that he might have enemies out there.

Still, I don’t think anything will really happen to him. I think he’s safe and it’s not like Shinji or his friends are going to say anything. If they do... then I suppose we just tell them his story. We tell them why what happened, happened and explain it. People seemed to forgive me and my nastiness quickly when they learned of my story.

I know what Kaworu did is probably seen as worse than me being a bit of an asshole. He is someone who betrayed a person as their lowest point and nearly destroyed this world but... that isn’t what he wanted and isn’t who he is. I can’t imagine this kind and loving soul next to me as getting close to doing anything like that.

Kaworu has... been invaluable to me since I met him. We truly make each other better people and I just hope the others can see that as well.

**Kaworu Nagisa**

I feel the warmth of Asuka’s hand as she places it gently on top of mine and slips her fingers in between my own. I turn for a moment and shoot her a nervous smile before looking back out of the window at the land below. Strangely I’m feeling more nervous about this flight, I didn’t think I would be a nervous flyer, after all I’ve technically done it twice before and I’ve piloted a giant bio-mechanical weapon.

Yet, this feels different somehow. Maybe because the previous two times I’ve flown it’s been in military craft and I’ve been too out of it to care. The first time was when I was Kaworu Nagisa the Angel, Tabris and more dulled to emotion and fear. The second time I was too fearful of my situation and not in a craft like this to really think too much about it.

This time I’m in a proper domestic craft, I’m surrounded by people and I can see the land below me as we fly high over the Earth. Familiar fears creep back in, do these people know who I am? Some of them do, some of them are here specifically to keep an eye on me but I know nothing is going to happen. What can happen? Someone attacks me when I go to the toilet? I don’t think so.

At the same time, despite my nervousness the view from the window is mesmerizing. It’s a clear day and I can see the ground below without issue, I can see us flying over a town and it is so bizarre to me to know that in the few minutes it’ll take for the song I’ve got on to come to an end I’ll have flown over thousands of people living their lives.

I let my mind wander a little bit, to imagine what all of those people might be doing right now, to what those people might be thinking of feeling. Which of them are happy right now? Are any of them about to make a life chnaging decision for better or worse? Are they saying goodbye to someone or welcoming someone new into the world? Are people falling in love for the first time or perhaps more sadly moving on from love to something else?

Or are they simply just looking up as this plane passes overhead and perhaps wondering what the people on board are doing and where we’re going?

These people... they would not be here today if I hadn’t been stopped so many years ago. If Shinji hadn’t have stopped me then the people of that town we’ve passed, the people on board thise plane... they would not be travelling, they would not be happy or sad, they would not be falling in or out of love, they would not be able to welcome someone new into their world. There would simply be nothing.

Naturally... my mind now wanders towards thoughts of Shinji, the one who did stop me, the one who did give this world it’s second chance, who ultimately allowed for me to have a second chance, whether he knew about it or not.

My feelings for Shinji are still somewhat complicated I suppose you could say. I’ve been struggling over the last month to reconcile the Shinji I thought I knew with the Shinji I have been told about by Asuka and others with the Shinji he has admitted himself to be. I have been trying to remind myself constantly that one bad act does not define who we are going forward, it is a person's willingness to learn and grow from their mistakes that defines them.

Yes, there are perhaps some acts that are very difficult to forgive or perhaps cannot be forgiven but I do not think Shinji is guilty of such a thing and others do not seem to think that is the case either. Still, it is so easy to get lost within my own thoughts on these subjects. It is so easy to envision scenarios that are yet to play out and direct them a certain way based on my mood on that day.

The fact is that when it comes down to it, I want Shinji in my life and I want to see him forgiven for the bad things he has done. I view it no different now to him and others wanting me in their lives and forgiving me for what I have done. I want there to be a strong bond of friendship between the two of us. Perhaps it will be awkward and we will question ourselves and each other but I do not think it unachievable.

I am worried about how things will be initially between us though. I worry about what reception I will get when me and Asuka go into that arrivals lounge and see him for the first time. I wonder what it will be like when I meet his guardian and his friends. I am fearful that they will not treat me as fairly as he has. I am also worried... perhaps illogically about what will happen when he sees Asuka again.

It feels wrong of me to be concerned about such a thing. I don’t want to be jealous of their bond and feel I have no right to be. What they have is special and I should be okay with that but I still feel some pangs of jealousy when she talks about him. I see her eyes light up, I see her smile and when I talk to him, I can hear the joy in his voice when she is mentioned. There is a spark between the two of them that has never gone out and sometimes I feel I am just in the way of what should be.

I have not, of course, ever confessed these feelings of jealousy to Asuka. I know they are mostly illogical conclusions brought on by my fears and insecurities. After all, Asuka has demonstrated her love for me several times and I know they were true. I know there is a strong bond between me and Asuka so those fears about her and Shinji are illogical and something I just need to work through.

Still... I do wonder, what if I am in the way? I have such love for them both and I want them to be happy? I do not wish to be without them but I also... would not want to stand in the way of their happiness either. If that spark were ignited... what would I do?

I look at the screen in front of me, it will do me no good to get lost inside my own head regarding this subject, especially not for the duration of this flight. Instead I will watch something and I will get some rest.

I will see you soon Shinji.

**2 nd December – Tokyo 2 International Airport – Early Morning – Shinji Ikari**

My eyes look upwards towards the digital screen above me as I try to find their flight and its arrival time. I eventually find it and see that it should be arriving in just under half an hour. This is it I suppose, this is these are the final moments I’ll have before seeing the two of them once more. I never expected that I would see either of them ever again.

I didn’t think I’d ever see Asuka again, I thought she had left and would never be in contact again. I had resigned myself to that fact and didn’t blame her. As far as Kaworu goes he... well he died. People don’t normally come back from that, unless you’re Misato... or Asuka... or Rei... did Rei die? I’m not quite sure that what happened to her counts as dying.

I suppose none of that really matters. All that matters is that the two of them are on that flight and I will be seeing them shortly. This is... a big deal to me and it feels surreal that the day has finally come. It’s been rare in my life that I’ve looked forward to an event. Normally the days just pass me by, I never really get excited for my birthday or for Christmas. Those things are just days for me but today... today is special. I’m excited and... I’m nervous.

This year has been unusual for me. In a way it feels like I’ve lived most of my life in the past few months, almost like I’ve been drifting through life from the moment of Third Impact through to now. Since Asuka came back into my life I’ve dealt with so many things, I’ve opened up about so much, had so many uncomfortable conversations, learned a whole concerts worth of music and started down a pathway towards rebuilding two friendships.

It has all been so very awkward and many times I’ve felt like running away from it. So many times, I’ve felt like letting myself regress and give in to those voices in my head that tell me I’m only going to get hurt by opening up, give in to those voices that tell me I don’t deserve love or friendship but I know Asuka... I know Kaworu and so many others are fighting that same battle, so I have to fight as well.

I’m scared about seeing them both in person though. Up until now we’ve only spoken by the phone or by e-mail and that has been difficult enough. Will it be harder now that we’re face to face? Will I be unable to stop myself regressing? Will I be able to say what I want to?

“How are you feeling?” I hear Rei’s soft voice suddenly behind me. I turn around to face her and nod my head.

“Yeah... I’m okay, thank you Rei.”

She nods back and hands me a cup of coffee, I resist the urge to yelp out in pain as my fingertips close around the plastic cup. It is strange to me that with all the advances in technology companies still haven’t developed a coffee cup that doesn’t burn your fingers on contact. I was able to dive into a volcano in Unit 01 and come away with only a few superficial burns, yet my fingertips feel like they’re about to be burned off by holding this thing for five seconds.

“They will be arriving soon. I am nervous.” Rei states and admits as we make our way towards an empty set of seats and sit ourselves down.

“I’m nervous too... about seeing the both of them. It’s been so many years.” I admit to her, “I’m worried I’ll say the wrong thing and upset them or I’ll... get upset myself and... well you know.”

“Yes, I understand.” Rei nods her head, “I too was scared of such things when I managed to track down Asuka a few years ago. I was worried that despite my developments in interacting with people it would still not be enough to converse with her. I was concerned that she would still harbor negative feelings towards me. I had planned out conversations in my head that I feared would not pan out the way I wanted them to.”

“It wasn’t a waste of time though, was it?” I ask her, “I mean... you two became close friends after that, didn’t you?”

“Yes, we did but things also did not pan out how I had expected. There was a lot more emotion on both sides than I had expected. In a way this was tougher but I think it was better. I think that... the three of you will be fine, much in the same way that Asuka and I were fine. It will be awkward for you all at first and I would advise you do not expect things to go as you might think they will but... I believe you will all be fine.”

“Thank you.” I answer her and smile, “You know it’s funny but... I don’t even know what they look like. I have an idea of it but I never got a new picture of them or anything. I keep on expecting Kaworu to be in the same thing he was when I met him. I keep on thinking Asuka will be the same as she was before she left.”

I turn to see Rei smile, “Asuka is... a very beautiful woman. As for Kaworu he... well I have only seen pictures but he is very handsome. Neither of them have changed too much, they are much like myself and you in that regard.”

“I see...”

I sip from my coffee as Rei takes a moment to look at her phone, “They should be landing in fifteen minutes. Whilst I remember, you are still okay with the plans for Asuka’s Birthday, aren’t you?”

“Yeah.” I confirm, “I’ll go shopping the day before and get everything I need to for the cake and food. You... You’re arranged everything else, right?”

“Yes.” She answers me, “I have contacted her hotel and booked the appropriate rooms, I have confirmed the event with Fuyutsuki, invited our friends and I have gotten the gifts and cards we discussed. I have even been able to arrange a trip for them during the afternoon, this should give us the appropriate time to go to their hotel and set everything up.”

“Y-You’ve really thought this through, haven’t you?”

She nods, “Yes but I also expect others to play their part, I do not want our plans to go awry due to one person making a mistake. That is why I have limited the number of people directly involved and is also why I have not informed Nagisa of the plans.”

“S-Shouldn’t he know?”

“Perhaps, but I fear, knowing what I do about Nagisa that he would let things slip. I have learned that despite his appearance and past, Nagisa has proven himself to be somewhat clumsy both physically and verbally. Therefore, I have limited his involvement to bystander.” Rei replies calmly, “In truth I was hesitant to even let you and Misato in on my plans but Misato has access to Fuyutsuki and you are able to produce the ideal cake for the situation. I am sure you understand.”

“I... I think so?” I answer, somewhat confused and hurt by her words but also... understanding them in some strange way. Still I can’t help but be somewhat fearful of the way she speaks.

Not as fearful of what is going to happen shortly. It’s dawning on me that this is actually going to happen now, even if I want to, I’d be unable to run away from it now.

My mind quickly goes back to my first meetings with them. The first time I saw Asuka was on the ‘Over the Rainbow’, we were picking up Unit 02 and as a treat Misato had allowed me to bring Touji and Kensuke along. I can still remember that first encounter with her in detail, I remember hearing her voice for the first time, I remember seeing her stood in front of us on that deck in her yellow sundress. I can remember at first thinking just how pretty she was.

I can also remember that gust of wind and the stinging sensation on my cheek barely seconds later. I had turned away as well! Unlike Touji and Kensuke but I guess that didn’t matter to Asuka back then. That confirmed to me that she was not going to be easy to get along with. Not too long after that we were fighting side by side in the cockpit of Unit 02 and I was wearing one of her spare plugsuits. Not quite the best first encounter with someone.

Yet... she didn’t leave my mind and the truth is that she was not easy to get along with. Especially not at first, she was everything I wasn’t and went against everything I had known grown up. She was part Japanese but she certainly didn’t show much of that side. She was loud and arrogant, she complained and questioned everything and she seemed so selfish. She was all those things I had been warned that foreigners could be.

A part of me liked it though because Asuka was... Asuka and she didn’t seem ashamed of it. Yes, she could be slobbish, loud and obnoxious but I saw more than that. Asuka wasn’t afraid to speak her mind, she pointed out when things seemed unfair or stupid. She didn’t believe in tradition for traditions sake and I also saw moments that others didn’t. I saw kindness from her, I saw vulnerability. I saw her strive to include everything, part of the reason our group was so close was because she made sure everyone was included. People forget that.

She was also... honest with me. She didn’t treat me differently because I was a pilot or the son of the commander. She treated me like Shinji Ikari, a friend and comrade. She would push me to stand up for myself, she’d push me to get better scores in the Eva and challenge me to do better in school. It seemed like she genuinely wanted to help me.

When I met Kaworu I was in a very different place. Life was complicated when I met Asuka but it was even more so when I met Kaworu. I was in a dark place, it was just after Asuka had been hospitalized and I had learned some of the truth about Rei and the Eva’s. I can remember standing at the side fo a lake in the Geofront, I had little to think about except for how much I wanted it all to end.

I can remember the moment I thought about diving into that pool was the moment I heard him humming a tune. I turned my head and saw him sat up on top of a rock, smiling at me. I can remember how my heart started to race on seeing him, I can remember how my first thoughts were how attractive he was. Kaworu saved me on that day, it was almost as if he was heaven sent... I suppose in a way he was.

I still blush a bit when I think about how I felt when I saw Kaworu, even now I can feel that redness coming to my cheeks. The idea of romance scared me back then, it does now to be honest. Relationships and sexuality weren’t topics to be discussed, I grew up in a small town that didn’t talk about things like that. Our society doesn’t speak about things like that, I had no guidance in terms of relationships or sex, I never questioned it either.

Kaworu made me question myself though, on that day I felt something for him, I felt a genuine romantic attraction and that scared me. It was the same attraction I felt for Asuka, a desire to be around them, to hold them and be with them. All those things I was afraid of.

I never really believed it was wrong to be gay or bisexual, I was never brought up to believe it was a bad thing. I just wasn’t brought up to really think of it as a thing. It was, as I said, just not spoken about. I just grew up drifting through life, I never thought about myself or what I was or could be really. So, it shocked me a bit when I started to have those feelings.

I’ve accepted over the years that I am bisexual, perhaps its bad but I still don’t really speak about it. Misato and Rei know but I’ve never really pursued romance with anyone, so it’s never really came up. Back then though, it frightened me, I was frightened of everything and that was just one more thing to add to the pile.

Kaworu helped to keep that fear at bay. There was just something about him that helped me feel safe. It made me feeling like other people and their thoughts and expectations of me didn’t matter, so long as he was there. I was so comfortable talking to him about my life, my mother, my father and my past. I was happy to reveal things to him that I had not done to anyone else at that time.

It didn’t last though, the next day Kaworu revealed what he really was and I was forced to kill him. In the time it had taken me to meet and fall in love with this person I had already lost them and love turned to something darker.

So now I stand here in this airport, looking at the time on my phone as I wait for these two people to arrive. I have no idea what I’m going to say to either of them, I have no idea what I’m going to do when I see them. I’m a little bit scared but I’m also confident that today will be the start of a brand-new chapter in all our lives, a much better one.

Just five minutes left.

**Asuka Langley Soryu**

I watch in frustration as more luggage slowly moves past me on the carousel. I’ve been waiting here for fifteen minutes now, watched as smug businessmen and irritating families have gleefully marched forward and gotten their bags without issue. I hope they haven’t lost the damn things, they better not have lost the damn thing.

I’m starting to grow impatient, I barely slept on the flight over here. I’ve never been good at sleeping whilst in transport. When I was younger and I went on coach trips I couldn’t sleep, when we brought Unit 02 over on the ‘Over The Rainbow’ I couldn’t sleep and whenever I’ve flown long distance I’ve not been able to sleep.

Finally, I see what appears to be my luggage, I rush forward and quickly check the tags to confirm before pulling it off and away from its circular hell. I set it down gently on the floor and wheel it back across to a clearer area. A short distance away I spot Kaworu still looking out for his luggage to make an appearance.

As I wait, I turn and give a brief look towards the exit to the arrivals lounge. I try to look through the doorway as it opens for any sign of Shinji and Rei. Neither of them visible to me at this time.

My heart is beating so fast in my chest now as the nerves and reality of the situation take hold. It annoys me, why the hell am I so nervous about this? Why am I nervous about seeing Shinji again or being here? Why is this affecting me so goddamn much? I’m Asuka Langley Soryu damnit, stared down hellish creatures hellbent on ending this world with minimal fear.

I fought to protect this world. I fought until my very last breath. I shouldn’t be afraid of seeing one person. I shouldn’t be afraid of being here. This is nothing to someone like me.

It looks like Kaworu finally has his luggage, he sets it down and wheels it over to stand with me. I see the fear in his eyes as he looks at me, I give him a small smile and reach out for his hand to calm him down. We stand for a few more moments as he smiles back, “They’re watching us, aren’t they?”

We both look around and I see the reasons behind the fear in his eyes and the question. The ‘they’ he is asking about are much clearer now, they didn’t even make an effort to blend in. Stereotypical black suits and speaking into radios. So, these are the members of the security team that’ll be watching our every movement and following us from place to place.

I feel the anger flare up inside me as I try to resist the urge to go over and confront one of them. I feel like I should go over and tell them to leave us the hell along until we’re out of this place. I should ask them if they really think something is going to happen but I know it’ll achieve nothing. It’ll just cause a scene and likely end up with us being asked to take the next flight back to Germany.

I nod, “Yes, they are.”

“I hate this... I’m sorry.” he whispers.

“Idiot, don’t you dare be sorry.” I snap back, “At least we’re here.”

“I know but...”

“But nothing.” I lean forward and kiss him on the lips, “Pretend they’re not there. Focus on me, you can do that right?”

He nods, “I’ll try but... it feels like they’re everywhere.”

“They are everywhere.” I confirm, “But just focus on me, think about what I’m going to do to you when I get you in that hotel room, you can do that right?”

I watch in satisfaction as a blush comes to his cheeks and looks around, “I... Yes... very much so...”

“Good. You’re safe with me, now... lets go.”

I take another look towards the doorway and allow myself one more deep breath. A strange thought enters my head for a moment as we start to slowly walk. At least this meeting won’t be as embarrassing as the first time I met Shinji. We’re indoors so no gusts of wind and I’m wearing jeans. So, definitely no repeat of that moment.

I can feel the eyes of the security teams on us as I take hold of Kaworu’s hand and other hand takes hold of my luggage. I grit my teeth as we continue to walk towards the doorway, I’m sure behind us the teams are relaying that information and letting the next group know to get into position. So, this is how it’s going to be on this holiday, security watching us at all times. Every meal we take, every museum we go into, every location... they’ll be there. I won’t even be able to use the bathroom without feeling like I’m being watched.

The doors slide open as we approach and I blink as the arrivals lounge appears before me. I look ahead and immediately spot them. It doesn’t take me long, after all, there aren’t that many people in the area with blue hair. I can also tell, from the way that Kaworu is suddenly squeezing my hand, that he has spotted them as well.

I ignore the pain as we continue to walk towards them. Rei seems to have spotted us as well, I can see her subtle smile from here. She nudges Shinji with her elbow and he turns to face us. As he does, I see his mouth open ever so slightly in shock. I can make out the nerves and emotion on his face as we get closer. Almost immediately, I feel a lump forming in the back of my throat. Swallow it down Asuka, not here, not now. Stay strong, you’re not going to cry in a goddamn airport of all places.

We continue to move towards them, around us I can hear the chatter of families reuniting, of businessmen meeting with their drivers and of tourists figuring out where to go. With each step the emotion builds inside of me, the lump growing bigger, the burning behind my eyes growing stronger and the feelings in my stomach.

I don’t even know why I’m feeling this way. I shouldn’t be. I’m Asuka Langley... damnit, that’s why I’m feeling this. I’m feeling this because of who I am, because of what I am and what I was. I’m feeling this because of how I arrived in this place the first time, what I learned and what I felt and did whilst I was here and how I left this place. I’m feeling this because of the years of built up frustration and emotion.

For a moment the pain in my hand becomes too much, I turn to Kaworu, my teeth gritted, “Kaworu... my hand...”

He slackens his grip instantly, “Sorry... I... sorry...”

We finally reach them, I stop barely a meter away as my vision becomes blurry from the tears forming in my eyes. I’m powerless to stop it from trickling down my cheek as my gaze wanders from Rei to Shinji. Just like the many groups of friends of families that are re-uniting here today, I too am unable to stop the wave of emotion. No matter how much that voice inside is willing me to not feel it, no matter how much I think it makes me look weak, I cannot stop it.

I look to see Shinji smiling at his, his eyes have betrayed him aswel. At least he has tears running down both cheeks, I still win... in some way. I turn to see Kaworu in a similar way, as I expected... it’s only Rei who is keeping it together, her smile widening.

“A-Asuka...” Shinji finally starts to speak, his voice trembling and little more than a whisper, “Kaworu... I... Welcome home...”

I feel my hand release my luggage, I hear it fall to the ground. I take a step forward, positioning myself in front of him and stare into his eyes. I frown at him as I do so, I’m trying to look intimidating but it’s hard to do so when I have tears flowing freely down my cheeks.

What do I say? I was going to be cocky and confident. I was going to make a joke and make us all smile. I was going to pretend to be arrogant and say something like, ‘What are you stupid, what’s with that expression, aren’t you glad to see us.’

Only... I can’t do that. That moment, that speech, those words are just a conjuration, a moment that I have control of but I don’t have control here. It’s just my minds attempt to preserve a ridiculous image that has served me no good. This is... reality, and I am not that Asuka, I am the Asuka who has dreamed of this reunion for so very long.

What was it he said? ‘Welcome home’? I think about it for a moment. This country... was it ever really my home? I was here less than a year. I was raised in Germany and I always tried to identify as that but I... I’ve never really had a home, have I? Not one that I can remember. There was the time I spent with Mama but... I can barely remember that now.

When I lived with Misato and Shinji... that felt like the only true home I ever had. I suppose... in a way I am home. I give another look towards Kaworu... he’s like me too. Someone without a proper home. I suppose... this is his home too, where he for a brief moment first felt alive. I look back at Shinji.

“W-We’re home...” I whisper as we both move and embrace one another. I pull him towards me tightly feeling his warmth for the first time ever in my life. My hand cups the back of his head and I close my eyes as I feel more tears flow down my face.

We are home.


	23. Unsolid Ground

**2 nd December – Tokyo 2 Hotel Restaurant – Kaworu Nagisa**

It has become quite the struggle for me to continue to keep my eyes open as I sit at the table and try to catch some part of the conversation going on around me. My mind struggles to comprehend a word, their words merging into one. The environment is a symphony of ambient noise that my brain has given up processing. I feel a strange disconnect from my own body, this vague feeling that I’m floating. It could be because of the wine or perhaps the jet lag, most likely it is a mixture of the two.

I try to regain some focus and turn, as I tend to, when I need some focus towards Asuka. She does not seem to be having the same struggles that I’m having. She seems full of life and energy and she is oh so very beautiful right now. Sat next to her is Rei, the woman has said little to me all day beyond the initial greeting. Next to her is Misato Katsuragi, she has seemed friendly enough but much like Rei has said little to me and is shooting me the occasional glare every now and then.

I cannot help but feel like an outsider in this situation. Everyone has been friendly enough but I know I am not really wanted here. I know the interest from those at this table is on Asuka and her return to this country. I know these people are Asuka’s friends and I am the stranger. I am just here, an uninteresting and jet-legged weird looking man, who also happens to be the one who nearly destroye dthe world many years ago.

Completing the group is Shinji, he is sat next to me. He, very much like myself, has said little during the meal. He seems to be as awkward and shy as I remember him to be. I could smile and laugh about it, if it wasn’t for me being so tired and feeling like I was to blame for the awkwardness. I wonder... if I wasn’t here right now, would he be feeling this way?

“Are you feeling okay Kaworu?” I’m jolted from this sleepy meandering through my mind by the sound of his voice.

I turn to him, my eyelids heavy and nod, “I am... fine, just tired.”

“It’s been a long day for you, hasn’t it?” he asks me.

I nod back at him, “Yes, we flew overnight but I fear I did not sleep very well on the plane. I don’t think I have slept properly for... over a day.”

“Are you doing to be okay?”

“I will be.” I smile at his concern for me, “I think I just need to get some sleep. I do not think the warmth in here is helping either.”

Our little conversation seems to have drawn the attention of the others at the table. I can feel Asuka placing her hand on my arm and squeezing gently. I look around to see Misato looking at Shinji, Rei seems to be more concerned with her glass of wine, “I think we’re going to be here for a while, why don’t you take Kaworu out for a walk around the area?”

I feel my eyes widen ever so slightly in surprise at her suggestion. I didn’t expect her to show any concern for me, never mind suggest that me and Shinji go out on our own. I look down at Asuka who merely nods, “Go ahead.”

I think about it for a moment, a walk outside would probably do me some good. It’d allow me to clear some of the cobwebs in my mind, it’d allow me to get out of this stuffy room and reduce the risk of me falling asleep at the table. I turn towards Shinji, “Is that... okay with you?”

He nods at me, “Yeah... if it’ll help.”

I get to my feet carefully and almost immediately my attention is drawn to the few other people in the room who also stand up. My eyes wander to the entrance to the little restaurant and I see the man in the suit talking into something on his jacket. I lower my eyes and begin to sit down only for Asuka to take hold of my jacket sleeve, “Ignore them Kaworu.”

“I can’t they...”

Misato also looks around and witnesses the source of my discomfort, she turns back around to me, a frown on her face, “I told those idiots to not be in the room whlst I was here. I’m really sorry about this Kaworu. I’ll make sure I speak to them in the morning, this isn’t fair.”

“T-Thank you.” I bow politely, again surprised at her words and concern. All I knew about Katsuragi had led me to believe she would not wish to be in the same room as me, never mind show me actual concern. Then again, perhaps I was being unfair towards her, I know she has had a difficult life and done a lot to help Shinji and Asuka where she can.

Shinji gets to his feet as well and we silently cross the room into the hotel lobby. I try to ignore the security communicating to others and moving into position to better follow me. Instead I focus solely on Shinji and moving out of the hotel into the cooler night air. A cold breeze hits my cheeks immediately and I take a brief moment to savor it as my body starts to wake itself up.

“Is that better?” I hear Shinji ask.

“Much better.” I turn towards him and nod. We slowly begin to walk down the street, away from the hotel. As we do so I’m still quite aware of the man, positioned near the hotel entrance, now communicating with the rest of the team. I’m aware of the sniper in position on one of the rooftops opposite us.

I try to block it all out, this is no different to the security teams that look after me and Asuka back in Germany. Except those teams are there to protect us and not kill me in case I do something. Those teams also do a better job of staying out of sight.

“It was... a bit much for me in there as well. I’m not great with crowds and too much noise either.”

I feel myself smile as we continue to walk down the street and around a corner. I’m feeling the cold a lot more now but it is still a lot better than being inside that restaurant. As we turn onto the next street, I see a number of stores with Christmas lights up. Opposite us a group of people, around our age are excitedly talking and taking pictures next to an inflatable Santa Claus.

“it is... certainly very different to the first time we met, isn’t it?” I ask, “A lot colder too.”

“Yeah...” Shinji trailed off for a moment leaving me to wonder if I have said the wrong thing. Perhaps bringing up any memory of that meeting was not appropriate. I wait a few more seconds before he continues to speak, “Misato... said that after Third Impact the world changed again. She said that somehow the seasons here started to go back to normal and the damage we had done to the planet, even prior to Second Impact had been repaired somehow.”

“Humanity was... given a second chance. An opportunity to move forward and perhaps learn from its mistakes, to do better.” I pause for a moment, “That is because of you Shinji.”

He stops and looks at me for a moment, merely shaking his head, “No... I didn’t... I didn’t ask for that... I didn’t think to ask... I just...”

Without thinking I place my hand on his shoulder, “It doesn’t matter what you asked for or what you thought. What matters is that you did something, your actions enabled this second chance. If you had done nothing then... this wouldn’t have happened.”

Shinji looks away for a moment down the street before turning back to face me, “Misato... Rei... Asuka... they all said the same thing.”

“Then perhaps you should believe them.” I remark as we resume walking down the street, “Our actions... have consequences beyond which we could imagine, regardless of intention. You on that day... you told Lilith what you wanted... Lilith granted your desire and gave humanity a gift, a gift that blessed even myself. Besides... when you think about it, it would have been quite a callous act for Lilith to have abandoned you in a dead world.”

I can see by look on his face that my words haven’t really convinced him but he nods, “I suppose... in a way you are right. I just... people try to look at me as a hero and I don’t really feel like it.”

“Then don’t... just be you.” I remark.

We continue to walk through the various streets of the city. I’m not sure if Shinji has a particular destination in mind or if we are just wandering. Either way this feels nice, walking alongside him, talking or commenting on various things I see, if is nice. One of my fears was that seeing him again would be awkward, and I won’t deny that it is, but there is something natural about this.

We cross another road and come upon a large plaze, there are a few groups of people nearby. Some of them quite excited and taking photos on their phones. I look up and see why, in the middle of the plaze is a large Christmas tree. Decorated in bright gold and silver lights. At the top is a large star, and scattered at the bottom is replicas of giant presents.

“It is quite beautiful, isn’t it?” I comment as we both stop and look up at it.

I turn to see Shinji, he’s looking up at the top of the tree, his face serious, “Kaworu I...”

He trails off, causing me to prompt him, “Hm?”

“About those things I told you... I... I’m sorry...” he shakes his head, “I... thank you for forgiving me... I...”

“Shinji...” I cut him off and place my hand on his arm, “Please... don’t apologize for this now. We have already spoken about this and... it is done. Besides... I am a little bit too jet lagged to process such things right now. Let’s just... enjoy this night, if you do wish to talk about this then we always have tomorrow.”

“Y-Yeah... You’re right... I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” I answer him, “For what it’s worth I am also grateful to you for your forgiveness. It does mean a lot to me to be able to come here... to spend time with you and your family... and with Asuka. I feel... for the first time in my life like I’m somewhere I belong.”

We fall into a comfortable silence as we look up at the top of the tree once again. I turn and see him smiling and I do the same. For a brief moment my mind flashes to another world. One where my life took a different path all those years ago. Where would I be now had that have happened? If I had been able to resist that call? Where would Shinji be? Asuka? Me?

My mind continues to wander, some of the fears I had before coming here are now coming to the forefront. My tired brain unable to combat them. I go back to my thoughts that I will end up being left alone. Maybe I should leave, so that I can allow Asuka and Shinji to fulfil their destiny.

A more selfish thought enters my mind. One that I quickly exorcise. My love for this man next to me, for Shinji is real. I can feel it, my heart is beating quickly, my eyes keep glancing at him. I keep wanting to smile when he looks at me. I feel that warm feeling in my stomach and it isn’t from the wine. I feel for Shinji just as I feel for Asuka. In another world... I could be with Shinji. That is not this world though and I would not wish to be apart from Asuka.

Besides... I am sure Shinji does not have those feelings for me. I know his heart yearns for Asuka.

“Kaworu...” Shinji saying my name suddenly snaps me from my thoughts, “Can we... get a photo together...”

I look across at him, he’s got his phone clutched in his hand and looking up at the tree, I nod, “Yeah... I’d like that.”

We move into position with our backs to the tree. I put my arm around him and he does the same. With his free hand he holds the phone away from us and angles it so as to get the two of us in along with a good portion of the tree. I move my head a little bit closer to his, and we both smile as his finger hits the capture button.

“Wait... I want to get one with my phone as well.” I announce as Shinji puts his phone away. We get into position again as I take my phone out. This time I find myself holding him a bit tighter, my hand gripping his side firmly, hugging him closer to me. I can feel his warmth on mine, I can smell the aftershave he is wearing. I can feel my face glowing redder as I smile and take the photo.

We take the photo and let go, our eyes meeting for a brief moment. I see his cheeks are glowing red as well and I wonder... no... it doesn’t matter.

“We... should probably go back now.” He says as I finish putting my phone away.

“Yes... we should... They will likely be done now. Thank you, Shinji.”

**3 rd December – Museum Café - Asuka Langley Soryu**

I sigh with some annoyance as we take our seats in the centre of the little café and wait for our food to be brought over. Directly opposite us I can see two members of the security team watching us carefully. I can sense the other two directly behind us at the doors and I’m fairly certain I saw another one sat at a table.

I’ve been here for barely a day and I’ve already had enough of them. I know we had been told to expect heightened security but this is ridiculous and not to mention highly obvious to anyone who might be watching. I just have it in the back of my mind that someone will figure it out. Some journalist or conspiracy nut will see the sharp increase of men in black around the city and make a big deal out of it.

Goddamn escorts, checking in and out of security checkpoints and having to eat with them watching. I’m sick of it. It wouldn’t shock me if I saw one of them in disguise when I went to the bathroom at this point.

“I am sorry, I know their presence is annoying...”

I look up sharply at Kaworu, “Stop that. It isn’t your fault. They said the presence would be increased but they didn’t say it’d be like this. This is overkill.”

Kaworu nods, “I do feel it is a bit... much. Didn’t Miss Katsuragi say she was going to speak to someone about it?”

I nod back at him, “Yeah, she messaged me this morning to say that she had let them know it was a bit much. Whether anything will come of it I don’t know. It’s all Tokita’s doing, so I imagine he’ll want to make us feel as uncomfortable as possible.”

“Tokita... he was the one most opposed to me coming here, wasn’t he?”

“Yup.” I frown remembering my encounter with that man, “He put in place the security for this trip as well. I had kinda hoped it wouldn’t be this bad, Shinji and Misato went to see him a month and a half ago. Shinji made it sound like he wasn’t quite as bad as we thought but... I guess that still bad enough to have this happen.”

“I think it is to intimidate me.” Kaworu answers, “To ensure that I definitely don’t do anything.”

“That's stupid!” I exclaim, “In a musuem as well! What are they expecting you to do here? Hijack a dinosaur skeleton?”

Kaworu laughs at my question, “It would not surprise me. I think despite what I have told them, their idea of that I was capable of is somewhat exaggerated.”

“You know... You never did tell me, what exactly is it you could do?” I ask him, not quite sure if this is an appropriate place to ask or if I should be asking at all. At the same time, I know so very little of what happened that day. I guess maybe I should learn something.

Kaworu takes a moment to think about his answer, “Nothing that I miss now... but like the rest of my brethren I could manifest an A.T. Field.”

“I guess that much, was there anything else? You know, could you shoot lasers or float?” I ask with a grin, imagining the ridiculous image of Kaworu floating through the air shooting lasers out of his eyes and hands.

He smiles as well, “Nothing like that... Well, I was able to levitate. My main thing, because I was created from Adam both body and soul is it allowed me to command beings constructed from Adam.”

I take a look at him and recall what I’ve been told about that time, “You mean, like my Unit 02?”

He nods and his gazes wanders towards the floor, “Yes... Like your Unit 02. It was not complete control of such things, I was not able to command Unit 00 as an example, the soul within had to be dormant or hiding away. In any case I am... truly sorry about that.”

“Don’t be.” I reassure him and reach over the table to stroke his cheek with my hand and bring his gaze back towards me, “It’s funny though... Kaworu... the big scary Angel, that could command machines of so much power and that was virtually indestructible can now... well now you can barely put on a pair of pants without falling over yourself.”

He laughs as a waitress brings over two bowls of soup with bread. He immediately tears off a bit of the bread and dips it into his soup, “I admit, now that I am completely human, I do have occasional issues with balance. There is no part of me that would want to give this up though. The abilities I had, being able to see people's feelings, feeling that power... I would not wish for it again. Now... my life is fuller, I no longer feel the emptiness I used to.”

He pauses, “it is true that I spent a lot of my time being scared... feeling guilty of what I have done but I would not go back to what I had before. More of my life now is spent being happy, feeling genuine love for others and this world. This life now... it is what I want. I want to be with you Asuka... I love you.”

I feel a redness come to my cheeks as he continues to speak. My eyes wander down to my own bowl of soup as I stir it around with my spoon, “Idiot... I was just going to make another joke about you being clumsy and then you have to go and say that.”

“It is the truth.” He continues, “It is true that there are disadvantages to my life now. I am certainly more fragile than I used to be both physically and emotionally but that fragility makes me feel much more alive than I ever was, and it is that fragility that makes me appreciate what I have even more.”

“Stop it.” I laugh in embarrassment as I break off some bread of my own. We fall into a comfortable silence as we eat our meal. For a brief moment there is only the two of us, the rest of the world, the other diners, the security, it all fades away. The insecurities, the doubts and fears I have, gone. Just blissful moments as we eat and look across at one another.

It’s a moment ruined by my phone suddenly going off. The other diners look unimpressed by the sudden loud proclamation that Phil Collins can feel it coming in the air tonight, the security near us look over as if Kaworu is about to suddenly spring into action like some sleeper agent triggered by the sounds of a drum fill.

It’s MIsato, of course it’s Misato, that woman always knew how to ruin a moment, “Hello?”

 _“Hey Asuka! I didn’t catch you at a bad time, did I?”_ Her tone is teasing and sleazy, as if she expecting to catch me and Kaworu at it during the middle of the day. Despite the fact that she knows our schedules and exactly where we’ll be right now.

Still, it is MIsato, I should have expected this. She already decided last night, whilst Kaworu and Shinji were taking their walk, to get in a few digs about me and Kaworu. In one way I hate it, I don’t really enjoy discussing my love or sex life, as fantastic as it is, with others or being teased about it for that fact. At the same time, I appreciated the jokes. I feel like Misato saying those things were her way of saying she approved of it and accepted him.

“Pervert!” I snap back, “You know exactly where we are right now! And what is it you’re doing right now? Probably stumbling out of bed with a hangover I imagine!”

Despite the harsh words there is a smile on my face as I say them, perhaps once, a long time ago, there would have been real malice in what I had said. I cringe at the thought now but I know I always used to give Misato a hard time over her drinking habits, perhaps deservedly so in some cases but even when she did try I still persisted in doing that.

This time there is no malice, only friendly joking. It is slightly strange to hear those words come out of my mouth though. I hadn’t seen or heard from her in so long I thought things would be awkward between us. There was no awkwardness though, it was nice... It was normal.

 _“I’ll have you know I gave up hangovers many years ago!”_ She answers me, _“Not the drinking, just the hangovers! Anyway, I won’t keep you on the phone for long, I wanted to update you on the security detail you both have.”_

I look around the room and see several members of the aforementioned security, “Oh... them...”

_“Yes... then. I made a few phone calls today for the two of you. Tried to case in a couple of favours I’m owed.”_

“And?”

She lets out a sigh, _“Well the bad news is that you are still going to have to deal with it on that scale for another two days at most. The guy in charge of the teams and who put it all together won’t budge unless he is given word from his superior... and his superior happens to be...”_

“Tokita?” I finish Misato’s sentence for her.

 _“Exactly. Tokita and this guy worked to draw up the plans for the security detail some time ago and he has the final say on it all.”_ Misato answers me, _“So... I contacted him directly. This is where the good news comes in.”_

“Go on?”

 _“Well I explained how I felt it was a bit too much and that I’d observed Kaworu and fully believe him to not be any threat.”_ Misato starts to explain, _“Tokita has agreed to slacken the detail on the two of you in another two days if he is sufficiently convinced that Kaworu isn’t a threat. He has maintained that a few things will have to remain, appropriate sign offs and escorts but you won’t see as many people around and should be a bit more comfortable. It’s not perfect but it’s the best I could do.”_

“No... It’s...” I begin my reply, “It’s great Misato, even reducing them a little bit is better than nothing at all. Thank you.”

 _“Don’t worry about it, just enjoy your time here.”_ She answers cheerily, _“Oh, Rei is going to message you later with the details of the restaurant for tonight. I was also wondering if you’d been in touch with Hikari at all?”_

I shake my head, “No... No not yet, I... I’ll do it later. We want to get used to things here first.”

_“I understand but make sure you do. She’s been dying to hear from you. Anyway, I should go, enjoy your day, see you later Asuka.”_

“Okay, bye Misato and... thank you.”

I hang up the phone and slip it back into my jacket pocket before looking up to see Kaworu looking at me with a nervous expression on his face, “Good news?”

I nod, “Seems so, Misato said that we’ll have to ride out this wave of constant surveillance for another couple of days but... after that we’ll start to see less of them and it might be more like what we have to deal with in Germany.”

Kaworu smiles, “You mean she... was actually able to do that?”

I nod again, “Yup... We’ll still have to have an escort and sign in and out of places but it’ll be better than this. Unfortunately, that thing you wanted me to do will have to wait I suppose but I’m sure you can live without that.”

I grin as I see the blush come to Kaworu’s cheeks when he realizes just what I’m talking about, “Um... I... Was not being completely serious about that I mean... it would be nice and... the risk would but... I... Um... I...”

I let out a laugh, “Well... maybe when we get home and if you’re very good I can...”

He blushes even more, “I... You are serious?”

I nod, “You know me... I don’t joke about things like that.”

“Yes... Well... I... in any case...” I watch as he fidgets in his seat and grin knowing the reasons why. I should feel bad for getting such a ‘rise’ out of him in public but I’m sure it’ll be gone by the time we’re finished. He continues to speak, “I am very thankful to Misato for doing that. I was... concerned that she would... hate me.”

I reach over the table and take both of his hands into my own, “I know... but she doesn’t hate you. She has her doubts, but she knows deep down you’re not a threat. She has me, Shinji and Rei vouching for you and that is good enough for her.”

“Thank you.” He nods, “How was it for you yesterday... seeing them again, are you okay?”

I let go of his hands as I pick up my spoon and stir my soup for a moment, “It was... weird. In some ways it felt like I hadn’t been away at all but there was little of the negative feeling I had when I lived her before. I just... I felt like I could be me around them. I don’t know if it was the jet lag or whatever but... it was nice. I’m looking forward to seeing them again.”

“Me too...” he answers, “It was... really nice.”

**4 th December – Hotel Function Room – Kaworu Nagisa**

“SURPRISE!”

I get the fright of my life at the sound of the sudden exclamation and the lights in the room suddenly being switched on. For a moment I stand there, my eyes wide open my mouth slightly ajar at the scene before me.

I finally turn my head slightly to see Asuka in a very similar state. Her face now pale, her mouth wide open and mouthing expletives repeatedly. I turn my head once more, the scene starting to make some sense. Before us is a group of people, all of them I recognize but some of them I haven’t met as of yet.

Behind the group is a table laden with food, its center piece is a large chocolate cake with a number of candles placed in it. Hanging above the table is a banner displaying the words ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY ASUKA!’ I can’t stop the grin spreading to my face as I turn once more to see Asuka still in a state of shock.

My eyes wander to the group again, Shinji and Rei are stood closest to us in the middle of the group. They are smiling the most and I suspect them to be the ones behind this. Next to them is their guardian Misato and just to the side of Misato is a woman that takes me a little bit of time to identify as Ritsuko Akagi.

Ritsuko looks slightly different to how I remember, her hair a little bit shorter and also returned to its natural brown, rather than the bright blonde I recognize from her pictures. When I was within NERV I never got the opportunity to meet Ritsuko, the woman next to her is the one I met. Maya Ibuki. Maya is holding Ritsuko’s hand, I think Asuka did mention something about the two of them being a couple now.

On the opposite side are four people, three of them I recognize but again, I did not meet and the fourth is Kodama, the girl that helped me so much when I returned and who I now know is Rei’s girlfriend. The two guys are, I am assuming, Shinji’s friends Touji and Kensuke and the other girl must be Asuka’s old friend Hikari.

I feel Asukas hand tighten around my own as I turn to face her once more. She still looks shocked but she has stopped mouthing expletives. I continue to smile at her as I try to not let my own feelings of anxiety take over. This is an unexpected situation for us both, naturally I am scared but I need to remind myself that I am safe here, this is a secure place for me. This would have been organized for Asuka and both Rei and Shinji would not want to cause anyone any upset or see any harm come to us.

Still... as I look around the room, I do sense some slight unease at my presence. Especially from the friends of Shinji and Asuka. I can only imagine what they know about me and what they think of me.

“Did... did you know about this?” Asuka finally speaks, her voice hushed to that only I can hear it.

I shake my head and continue to smile, “No... I did not.”

“I’m going to kill the both of them.” She answers, a smile coming to her face, I can see the tears welling up in her eyes, “Going to this effort... all for me... Why?”

“Because they love you.” I reply, it’s the simplest answer and it’s true.

“Why? I don’t... deserve...”

Asuka stops herself mid-sentence and starts to shake her head as I squeeze her hand in comfort. Before I get a chance to say anything further and provide more comfort both Shinji and Rei move towards us. Both of them are still smiling and as they get closer, I loosen my grip on Asuka’s hand to let her move towards them both and wrap them in a hug.

“I hope you like what we have done.” Rei says as they break the hug.

“Idiots...” I hear Asuka choke out as I approach, “You know I don’t like a fuss being made of me...”

I laugh a little bit at hearing Asuka trying to sound angry at the pair of them but fail completely. She brings up her hand to wipe away a tear with her sleeve. I look around the room again and can’t help but feel slightly inept. Shinji and Rei clearly went to a lot of effort to plan and organize this. They made a cake, put out food, set up the room and invited Asuka’s friends here.

Why didn’t I think of doing something like this? I should have been involved in the process or even suggested it. Instead... I just did what was expected. I went with the basics, I got the flowers delivered to her room, I got her a package or new games she wanted, I tracked down the vinyl records she had been after I...

I feel a very sharp pain in my arm from where Asuka has just punched me, a lot harder than normal. I turn my head to see her glaring at me, “Stop it!”

“Stop what?” I ask as I rub my tender arm.

“Thinking those things that you’re thinking. My presents off of you were wonderful and I what you did was beyond what I expected! You didn’t know this was being planned either!” She turns her stare to Rei, “This was you... wasn’t it?”

Rei nods and smiles back at us, “Yes. Until last night only Shinji was aware of what was happening. I had to let him in on it because I fear my skills with cooking are not as good as his. I did not want to inform the others until the last minute lest they ruin the surprise for you. That did include Kaworu as well.”

“I wouldn’t have ruined it!” I exclaim, somewhat offended but not shocked by Rei’s bluntness.

“Perhaps, perhaps not. Regardless I did not want to take that risk.” Rei replies calmly, “Also, given what I have been told in regards to your garment-based clumsiness whilst nervous, I thought informing you would have increased to risk of injury to yourself of Asuka.”

Before I can reply to that, Shinji chimes in to quickly change the subject, “If it helps, she didn’t even tell Misato about it until this morning.”

“I suppose...” I concede, not really sure if knowing that does make me feel any better.

“He isn’t that bad... he’s doesn’t always fall over now!” Asuka makes a half-hearted attempt to defend me through her laughter as she takes my hand and looks around the room. I feel myself tense up as I realize most of the, if not all, the eyes in the room are now on me. I take a few deep breaths as Asuka leans in, “Don’t worry about it, we’ll just greet everyone and introduce you. No one is going to say or do anything.”

I’m not given a chance to reply before Misato steps forward and pulls Asuka away from me and into a tight hug, “Happy Birthday Asuka!”

Asuka looks up at her, “Thank you Misato, I... I really appreciate all of this.”

“It was all Rei and Shinji’s doing, they sorted out everything!”

Misato releases her grip on Asuka and then turns to me, “Are you okay Kaworu?”

I nod, “I am... good, thank you.”

“Good.” The woman smiles and nods, “Look, don’t be nervous, they’ve all been warned beforehand and as you can see, no security in here. So just... be yourself.”

“I will... try.” I nod back, “Thank you.”

Asuka now leads me towards the first two people, Ritsuko and her wife Maya. Ritsuko seems quite friendly and polite when greeting me. Maya on the other hand gives me quite an icy glare. I suppose I can’t blame her, she was on the bridge when I did... what I had to do. She probably remembers that day quite clearly.

I mumble something of a hello and say I hope they’re both well before Asuka moves us on to the next two people. The next two are Touji and Kensuke, Shinji’s longtime friends. I’ve heard a little bit about the two of them from Asuka. Most of it has been her joking about them both being idiots and not worthy of her attention. It’s always been in jest though, although their position as friends of both Shinji and Asuka for a number of years does make me wary.

Touji is the first one I notice and I suppose the one I’m most wary of. He’s taller than us, muscular and athletically built. He’s made an attempt to dress smartly but I can see from how disheveled the suit is and how untidy his facial hair and hair in general is it isn’t something he is used to.

The reason I’m wary of Touji is purely because I know the details of his first encounter with Shinji. I know the guy can be somewhat hotheaded, it was in the reports I had read and Shinji himself had told me. I’m not quite sure what to expect here, should I expect him to punch me in the face for what I had done?

I know it seems illogical, despite knowing of that hotheadedness I also know Touji is a caring person deep down. Shinji also spoke of the way Touji defended him against classmates who tried to talk down to Shinji about being a pilot. He spoke of the way Touji looked after his sister and also of the way Touji forgave him after the Bardiel incident.

Thankfully my fears are unfounded as I get a firm handshake from the guy and he welcomes me to Japan. He invites me to go with the three of them for a drink during my stay here. I politely nod and say that if I find the time to do so I will.

I now turn my attention towards the smaller one, Kensuke. Kensuke has longer hair, some patchy facial hair and round rimmed glasses. He is looking me up and down as if he is examining some sort of alien creature. I suppose in a way he is doing exactly that, so I try to not be too weirded out by it. Asuka told me that Kensuke was the ‘Otaku’ of their group, during their time in school he was heavily into military things and the Eva’s in general.

Asuka told me that he was the more annoying of the two, if anything because of all the questions and his constant need to express a desire to be a pilot. She said he was quite naïve and never really made an effort to understand what her, Shinji and Rei may have been going through. She was also quite annoyed that his reaction to Touji’s selection as a pilot was not one of fear for the boy or to congratulate him but instead jealousy.

She also made some rather alarming comments regarding Kensuke’s usage of his camera during the first couple of weeks of her living in Tokyo-3. It was my understanding that he did stop such activities after being rightly threatened by her and Hikari.

When I first met Shinji, I had learned a little bit about Kensuke from him. Kensuke was the smarter of the three, and buried beneath that surface was a loyal friend. He certainly didn’t want anyone to suffer but he never really understood what was at stake. Both have warned me that if anyone is going to ask me any awkward questions, then it would be him.

“Hmm... You don’t seem to be much different to us.” I hear him comment and my stomach drops. I can’t say I wasn’t expecting it but I was hopeful that maybe it wouldn’t happen.

I am also quite shocked when I see Touji promptly jab Kensuke in the arm and snarl at him, “Kensuke, not now!”

I smile at the two of them, “I am not that different to you, not anymore.”

“So, what was it lik... Ow!”

Kensuke’s questioning is promptly cut off by another punch to the arm from Touji. Touji looks at me with something of a sheepish expression, “Sorry about this Kaworu, he can't help himself.”

I nod, “I... understand. I know that the two of you will have many questions for me and about me.”

Touji shakes his head, “Not really, I don’t really care what you used to be. People do dumb things, I know I have. As far as I’m concerned, if Shinji says you’re okay then you’re okay with me.”

I’m quite taken aback by his words, if only because they do not seem to be representative of the person Asuka has told me about. I smile, “Thank you... I appreciate that.”

I’m given little opportunity to say anything else before Asuka pulls me away from the two of them, shaking her head and cursing Kensuke as she does so. She leads me towards the final two people in the room. Hikari and her sister Kodama.

“I told you they were both idiots.” Asuka mutters as we talk across the room.

I laugh, “They weren’t too bad... They were a little bit different to what I expected but they seem like good people.”

“Oh yeah, they’re definitely good people... but they’re still idiots!”

I’m still laughing as we approach HIkari but soon stop when I see the expressions on both of their faces. Asuka lets go of my hand and I step aside to give the two of them a moment. I can see the nerves written on her face and realize just what a big moment this must be for her. These two haven’t seen each other properly since before Third Impact. Asuka told me how Hikari was there for her during her breakdown.

I look on as Hikari breaks down crying and rushes forward wrapping Asuka up into a tight embrace. Realizing that this is their moment, I step aside and make my way over to Kodama who acknowledges me with a polite nod, “Mr Nagisa, you are looking well. How have things been in Germany?”

“Things have been good.” I start to answer, “They have been... challenging at times though. I have had so much to learn, new skills that I did not have nor did I ever think I would need. Cooking... cleaning... paying bills... using public transport and dealing with other people but it has been a positive experience.”

She grins at me, “I’m glad to hear it! I was really worried about you when you left us. It’s a scary world out there at the best of times but... in your situation. I knew you could handle it though.”

“I’ve been quite fortunate in the support I've been given.” I admit, “Fuyutsuki has been a patient and valuable mental to me, you gave me a good start and Asuka has been... well meeting her has been the best thing to happen to me.”

“Sounds like things are going great then!”

“They are...” I nod, “You know... all of this... I couldn’t have done it without your support at the start. You helped me so much... you helped me be a little bit less afraid of who I was. You taught me the basics I needed to know of this world. I... don’t know how I can repay you for that.”

“Repay me by continuing to live and continuing to be happy. That is the only reward I desire from my work.” She answers, “So... did you like my gift?”

“The music?” I smile widely as I answer, “Yes, very much so. It was... a wonderful gift.”

“I had hoped so! I know you... loved music but wanted to experience more of what the world offered so it was... “

“Kaworu, may I speak with you?” We are suddenly interruped by Rei appearing next to the two of us. She turned towards Kodama, “I am sorry, this will not take long.”

“It’s fine.” Kodama says, “It was nice to see you again Kaworu, we can talk later.”

“Yes, I’d like that.”

I wait a moment as Rei kisses Kodama softly on the lips and tells her she’ll also see her later. Rei gives her another apology before starting to lead me out of the room and through the hotel lobby to the outside. As the cold breeze hits my face, I begin to feel that familiar feeling of apprehension, I wonder exactly why Rei has brought me out here.

“Do not be afraid.” She speaks, almost as if she was reading my mind, “It is just better that this conversation between us happens away from the others. I hope you are well?”

“I am, thank you.”

“And you are enjoying your stay in Japan so far, despite the security.” She also asks me.

“Yes, I am.”

“Good.” We stop and she turns to face me, a stern expression on her face, “Again, I apologize for bringing you out in this manner. There are two things I wanted to speak to you about. The first, is that I owe you an apology for my unfair treatment of you over the past few months.”

“Rei, you don’t have to apologize for anything.”

“No. I do.” She cuts me off, “When I heard of your return all I could do was worry that you would once again hurt the people I loved. I was unwilling to accept you as a part of their lives. I was unwilling to accept you as a potential friend to Shinji or a lover to Asuka. I could not see you as anything but that which you were back then, despite the fact that neither of us are what were. I could only see you as a villain and not a victim in all of this as well. I could not face the fact that we are in many ways, the same. What you tried to do... was very close to what I very nearly did.”

I nod my head, listening to what she has said, “Rei, you don’t need to explain anything. I know why you thought those things and... I do not know if I would do any better in that regard. I don’t blame you for how you reacted. I know that... I had and have to do a lot of work to gain peoples trust and prove to them that I am not what they think I am.”

“You have already done enough to prove that.” She replies, “I have never seen Asuka as happy as she is now. The love that you two share... is so powerful. I no longer fear you hurting her, instead I am thankful that you came into her life.”

I feel my cheeks turning red, “Rei... I...”

“I just ask that...” Rei fixes me with a frightening and cold stare, “you never... ever hurt her.”

“I wouldn’t! Rei... I love her, I can’t imagine being without her, I can’t imagine ever hurting her!”

“Good.” She remarks sternly before softening her stance somewhat, “I am happy you feel that way and care so much for her. I would also like to ask... how do you feel regarding my brother?”

Her question catches me slightly off guard, not so much her asking it but the way she asked it and the way she is now looking at me. I can’t help but wonder just what she means by asking it and how I should answer it. Should I be honest with her, and tell her about the love I also feel for Shinji or should I downplay that? Is this perhaps a test to prove to her that I would not abandon Asuka.

I look back at her, “I care for your brother deep. I am... truly sorry for hurting him all those years ago and I am grateful to him that I have been given an opportunity to forge a new friendship with him.”

“My brother loves you, you are aware of that, aren’t you?” She replies bluntly.

Again, she has completely caught me off guard and I feel a tingle down my spine and weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. Shinji... his feelings for me, I never really thought about that possibility. To hear any semblance of confirmation... but it does not matter how he feels.

“I did not know that but... my heart is with Asuka. It is true that I once had feelings for Shinji... in many ways I still do but I would not betray Asuka to act out on them. I love Asuka... so much...”

I trail off wonder if this really was a test and also wondering if Rei was telling me the truth. I look into her eyes for any trace of a lie. I do not think Rei would be the sort to deceive another especially with a subject such as this. Which leads me to ask, why is she telling me this?

“...besides what he feels for me is surely an illusion based on what he thinks or thought I was. I know truthfully his heart is with... Asuka.”

Rei nods her head, “You are incorrect, his heart... is with you both.”

I shake my head as I see her smile slightly, all this Is doing is leading me to be more confused. Why is Rei telling me this? To hear that though, it makes me think about my own heart and feelings, have I not just thought a similar thing regarding myself, that I have these strong feelings for both of these people.

“Asuka...” I start to speak, “She... feels strongly for him as well. I can see it when she talks about him. Her eyes light up, she wears a smile that is so very beautiful and so very frightening to me. It’s a confirmation of her love for him.”

“And... that is what I see when I speak to her about you.” Rei answers me, “It is quite interesting to me, to be a person who is learning to be human to witness such a thing. To witness this unique bond that the three of you share, to understand a truth that you have all been unable to admit to but all know deep down.”

I look at her again, “What are you trying to say?”

“Are you stupid?” Rei answers me, in a tone that tells me that Asuka may have been something of an influence on her, “You know what I am telling you, that it is time for the three of you to stop this and take your opportunity.”

“Why are you telling me this, why not Shinji or Asuka?”

“Because you are like me... you are a soul that was lost and is trying to find its way in the world. You are like me, you deserve to be happy and you are also like me. You are not originally of this world, you are no more bound to human conventions and traditions than I am. We may try to adapt to them but they are not ingrained upon us like they are to Asuka and Shinji. Therefore you... would be more understanding of such things.”

I nod, “I... think I understand.”

“I want my brother to be happy Kaworu... I want my best friend to be happy as well and you... you deserve to be happy too. Your time here in Japan is limited, I do not know what will happen after you return, it could be some time before you are all in this situation again, I would not want for you to waste this opportunity.”

“Opportunity?” I repeat and think about what she is saying. I think about myself... about Asuka and about Shinji. About the love the three of us have for one another. I love Asuka and... I do think I love Shinji. Asuka... she loves me and I know she loves Shinji as well and Shinji... I was always uncertain of his feelings for me but I know he loves Asuka.

Would such a thing be possible though? Throughout human history there have been examples of it I suppose. It is not exactly seen as normal but then... there is little normal about me as it is. Would Asuka and Shinji accept such a thing though?

“I do not... would they accept it?” I ask Rei.

Rei nods, “I believe they would. Love is a strong thing even if it isn’t traditional.”

“But... I don’t really... me and Asuka we just... sort of fell into it. It wasn’t like I romanced her or she me, it just sort of... happened.”

“Then let this ‘happen’” Rei replies, “Just make the most of this opportunity Nagisa.”

**Hotel Exterior – Asuka Langley Soryu**

The sun is now starting to set as I look out from my position on the rooftops over the skyline of Tokyo-2. I was able to escape from the party a few minutes ago, it was starting to get a little bit overwhelming for me. It’s quite funny, my younger self would have loved all that fuss and attention, they’d have loved the cake and the presents. They’d have taken great joy in making sure everyone knew it was all about them.

Now... Well it’s not that I don’t appreciate the fuss and the cake was beautiful and the gifts were lovely but I’m happier to just be able to slip by and be invisible. I’m happy to just take a few minutes to relax and be all by myself.

It is nice to see everyone again though. Even Touji and Kensuke... I suppose for all the grief I gave them, they aren’t too bad. I mean they are idiots and Kensuke does look ridiculous with that attempt at a moustache but they’re loyal friends to Shinji and have looked after him. They’ve been a better friend than I could ever have hoped to be.

I have to admit, it was quite amusing to me when Kensuke started to talk about his excited that Mari Makinami’s next book is due out soon. He’s apparently ordered himself a signed copy and would love to meet the person behind it. Maybe I’ll tell him... maybe I won’t but it was funny to share a knowing look with both Shinji and Kaworu about the whole thing.

“Asuka?”

So much for being alone. I turn around to see Shinji standing a few meters away from me. Thankfully, there is no one else there, so I suspect someone noticed I was missing and sent him after me, either that or he noticed me slip away.

“Misato said she saw you slip away... she sent me to...”

“See if I was okay?” I nod, “I’m okay, just not used to a situation like this. It’s been a while.”

“I know what you mean.” He laughs, “Not that... I was every really used to this sort of thing.”

“No... You weren’t.” I laugh as well as I turn back around to look out over the city again. Shinji quietly takes up a position beside me, “It’s strange isn’t it. The last time we’d have done something like this the buildings would probably have been moving up and down.”

I can see him nodding his head out of the corner of my eye, “Yeah... Tokyo 3 was... strange and beautiful in its own way.”

“Yeah... it was.” I nod in reply, “It wasn’t that bad a place to live I guess... well aside from the daily threat of giant monsters but I think... we did alright in defending the city, didn’t we?”

I see him turn his head, “Do you... miss that at all? Being a pilot, I mean?”

“No... Not at all.” I let out a sigh and turn myself around to face him, “Do you miss it?”

“No. I didn’t even like it when I was a pilot. I hated it. I hated wearing the plugsuit, I hated being in the cockpit, I hated fighting in it... I hated how much it hurt.” Every word Shinji says mirrors my exact thoughts on the whole thing as well. For all I acted like I loved it, for all my training and words and for all I was damn good at it... I hated each and every moment of it.

“I know...” My voice is kept low as we stand there for a few moments in silence.

“Why did you leave Asuka?” He suddenly asks me.

“You already know why Shinji.” I let you and a sigh and shrug, “I just... didn’t feel like I belonged here anymore. I didn’t feel like I deserved to be here. I kept on thinking about all the things I was and how I had acted and all the things that had happened to me and I just couldn’t face it. I had to get away, to save myself and to save you. Besides, I thought you all hated me.”

“Asuka...” He lets out a sigh of his own, “Misato... me... Rei... we never hated you... we... wanted to understand. I wanted to understand.”

“But you couldn’t understand me.” I reply to him, “You could barely understand yourself, me being there too... it would have been too much. I think... it was better that I left. Do I regret it? A little bit, maybe the way I did it... maybe the lack of being in touch but I think staying would have hurt us all more.”

I look at him as he mulls over my words. I don’t know if he believes me or thinks I’m right. I’m not even sure if I know I’m right. A part of me wishes I had not left, to see how things would have panned out but I do think my staying back than might have caused me to regress, to resent Misato and Shinji more than I had done in the past.

“Look... the way I was feeling at that time Shinji.” I start to speak again, “I wanted to stay, I wanted to be part of the family but I never felt like I was. You, Misato and Rei... were the family unit and I was the outsider. That was the way it had been and the way I felt like it still was.”

“That isn’t true!” Shinji starts to plead with me but I quickly cut him off.

“Maybe it wasn’t true but it felt that way.” I stop him, “Look at what I was Shinji... I was the soldier who was drafted into this at a young age. I was nothing more than a grunt if you think about it. Given my orders and told what to do, no greater purpose and no knowledge of the truth. Rei... she was made for a reason, she knew the truth and you... you found out what was happening because of who you were but what about me? I was left in the dark. Sure... I felt something was wrong with NERV but I never questioned it.”

“I wish I could have told you...” Shinji adds, “But when I found out you were...”

“I know.” I nod, “I wasn’t in any state to be told anything but no one even thought to try. All that stuff about SEELE, about what the Eva’s really were, Rei’s origins... I found out after the fact and it was just a lot for me to take in. I had to face so much and I just... felt doing it with all of you around wouldn’t help. I had to be alone. Like I said... I went about it the wrong way... I should have told you all I was leaving... I should have stayed in contact but I’m stubborn and a fool. I always feel like I have to do these things alone.”

“I think... I understand.” he replies after thinking about it for a bit, “I’m sorry you... felt you had to leave.”

I wave my hand, “Don’t worry about it, you were young... how could you have known what to do. Besides, you had a new sister to deal with and loads of other things going on. Just... know that I am sorry.”

“Okay.” He nods again, “You know that... even though you think it you didn’t always hurt me, right? I know we hurt each other but... I’m grateful that I met you and... living with and being friends with you was one of the few good things I had back then.”

This time I turn myself around to face him, his words striking a chord with me. I know that when I do look back on those times it wasn’t the victories in the Eva, the praise or the pursuit of glory that made me happy. It was being with Shinji... It was being with Hikari... It was spending the night at Misato’s watching dumb TV or even doing my homework. It was the comfortable silences we had in the front room and the smell of Shinji’s cooking.

It was all of those moments, those fleeting moments in between the fear of more pain brought on by the Eva’s, the fear I had of the terrors that struck me in the night time, that helped me through and made me feel alive. It was those moments that made me truly happy, they were what allowed me to hold onto the real me, the real me that was slipping further and further away.

It was a long time before I would ever see her again. I tucked her away in a corner for so long and I tucked away that other Asuka for years when I left Japan. Parts of her would come back to the surface when Rei eventually tracked me down but I tried to keep her locked up. I was so scared that if I let her out properly than the horrible and nasty side of me would follow. It wasn’t until Kaworu came into my life and this whole thing started properly that I began to feel I was safe in being... me.

I look up at Shinji’s face, a part of me ever so slightly irritated to see what he now has even more height on me than before I left. The sun has pretty much set now but the rooftop is lit up more than enough to let me see his face clearly. He’s retained his youth well, on his cheeks and chin I can see a few cuts and scratches from where has has shaved, I guess I don’t need too long to figure out his stance on facial hair.

I look up into his eyes and I can see the same thing I saw many years ago. Fear, pain, hurt, determination and that desire to be loved and forgiven. It’s remarkable what can be seen in a simple pair of brown eyes.

“Asuka I...” he starts to speak again, his voice cracking ever so slightly. I can already guess where this is going and prepare myself for the discomfort, “I just wanted you to know that... I know those things I did to you were awful and there is no excuse for it. There is nothing to justify them and... I know I don’t deserve forgiveness but I am... truly sorry.”

I nod my head at him. I know to not be mad at him for this, this apology isn’t just a reflex on his part like they might once have been. It’s genuine and sincere. I reach up with my hand and gently cup his cheek, “I know... I forgvie you Shinji and... I know I wasn’t the easiest person to live with. So... I’m sorry too, for the abuse I gave you and for acting the way I did.”

I expect Shinji to say something in reply to that but instead he surprises me by wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into a warm embrace. I let my arms wrap themselves around him as I rest my head on his shoulder. There is only us, standing on this rooftop, holding each other in the cool evening air.

We stand there for a moment wrapped in each other's arms until I eventually lift my head away from his shoulder to once again look straight into his eyes. Our faces are in close proximity now, so close that his breathing is actually tickling my face. I’ve been here before, haven’t I? A long time ago, the time I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

It’s be so easy to rectify that mistake now, wouldn’t it? I could close that distance between us, press my lips up against his and get that thing I had been craving for so very long. I could let myself fall into his arms and not fuck it up this time around. How easy would it be for me to just let myself go, to forget about the rest of the world, everyone else and fulfil that one simple desire.

I can see the passion in his eyes, I can feel the trembling of his hands and I have to wonder if he can see and feel the same things from me. I have to wonder... is this desire I’m feeling or fear. Maybe it’s fear of crossing that line and knowing what it would mean. Knwoing that in correcting one mistake I’d be making a band new mistake. A mistake with much worse repercussions. I’d be hurting myself, Shinji and most of all Kaworu if I were to cross that line.

There is a voice deep down inside telling me to do it. To forget about everything else, to fix that situation as it happens. That it’s one kiss...one kiss that leads to another, that leads to another and before you know it leads to more. The line... it’s so easy to cross, isn’t it? We could do it right here and now, no one needs to know. Except we’d know... we’d know we crossed it and neither of us could life with that.

I’m not in denial about my feelings for Shinji. I have such strong feelings for him but I love... I love Kaworu and I’m with Kaworu. I couldn’t betray him, not now and not ever. I’ve been hurt enough in my own life to hurt someone like this.

The line... I won’t cross it. It’s easy to cross it but bad things are easy and never work out as satisfying as they seem.

So... I’m sorry about this Shinji but... I’m saving us both by doing this. You know it’s the right thing as well. You wouldn’t want this. Savor this moment though, use it as a fantasy in which we do go further. I give you permission for that.

I let go of Shinji and take a step back. I look at him as he comes to attention also stepping back and looking rather embarrassed.

“We should get back to the party... they’ll probably be concerned about us and... you know what Misato is like.”

Shinji simply nods, “Yeah, we should.”


	24. J'entend ton coeur

**Rei Ayanami**

I lean in carefully and kiss Kodama one more time on the lips before my body gives way and I collapse next to her on the bed. I clumsily drape my arm over her and we both lie there for a few moments, the both of us riding out the waves of our pleasure, our bodies naked and covered in sweat, the only sounds are that of our breathing.

After a time, she turns onto her side, props her head up onto her hand and gives me that sweet smile that I couldn’t help but fall in love with. With her free hand she idly traces shapes along my stomach and chest.

“I love you Rei Ayanami.”

She traces out the shape of a love heart on my stomach as she says it. I smile back at her, my cheeks glowing red at her sudden declaration. I reply, “I love you too Kodama.”

I lean in towards her and we kiss once more. As we kiss, I can’t help but hope that Kodama knows how sincere I am when I tell her that I love her. I am aware that because of the way I speak, because of the way I look it is not always obvious that I am genuine in my declarations of love or emotion. It has been an issue with previous partners, either they have taken issue with such declarations and ignored them. They... do not make the effort to understand me.

With that said I... I feel like Kodama has made that effort. I feel like she understands me. I have never felt for someone the way I have done for her. So, I... am scared that perhaps she doesn’t understand.

“You’re so cute when you worry about things.” She suddenly declared, snapping me away from my worries.

“How did you know I was worrying?” I ask her with some confusion in my voice.”

She giggles, “It’s subtle but I can tell. Your brow furrows just a little bit and I’ve noticed you tend to bite your bottom lip every so often.”

“I... did not notice.” I answer back, suddenly more aware of what I’m doing. Her words haven’t embarrassed me though, instead they fill me with a sense of optimism. Maybe I am right in believing she understands me, “Then you... know that I am sincere when I say... I love you?”

“Of course I know that Rei! I would never question anything like that.” She nods and grins before bringing her hand up to my hand and softly running it down through my hair. She rests her hand on my cheek, “Is that what was worrying you?”

I nod, “I am not... an outwardly expressive person. I have never been like that and I likely never will be. I know that this might be off-putting to another or it might lead them to not believe in what I am saying. To some I might even seem to be without emotion but... I do have emotions.”

“You just express things in a different way. There is nothing wrong with that.” Kodama replies to me, her tone gentle and calming, “You are who you are Rei and... I would never want you to be any other way. I love you and... you make me so happy.”

“And you make me happy too.” I smile at her as I playfully push her onto her back and climb onto her, snuggling my head onto her chest, “I can hear your heart, it’s fast.”

She laughs again, “It’s still pounding because of you. You were... enthusiastic tonight.”

“I felt like celebrating.” I answer, as I run my hand up along the sides of her body. As I do this, I feel her wrap her arms around me and start to run her hands over me. I let out a soft sigh as her fingertips gently brush along my stomach and up to my breasts.

“Do Kaworu seemed open to the idea?” Kodama asks me.

I nod as I let out another sigh as her hands caress me. I try to ignore the stirrings within me for the moment, “I think so... I spoke to him about it and he seemed to understand but I am still... unsure about Asuka and Shinji. I know they all have feelings for each other but... I don’t know if they would consider it.”

Kodama’s hand moves down to my leg and she slowly begins to slide it upwards, I let out another sigh as I anticipate her touch there, much to my disappointment she stops nearly inches away to answer my question, “We gave them the idea and a little bit of a nudge. I think that is all they need. Nature will take its course.”

“So... we shouldn’t do anything else?” I ask.

“No, nothing else.” She shakes her head, “We give them the idea and the support but it’s up to them. It’s like you said... we shouldn’t try to matchmake or force them. If they want to then... they do but if not then it isn’t to be.”

“Good I... would not be comfortable in any sort of manipulation.”

“Neither would I, we just need to give it time.” She kisses the top of my head before whispering to me, “For now though... I think that maybe we should celebrate just a bit more.”

**Asuka Langley Soryu**

_I feel sick._

I almost kissed him. I was so close to kissing Shinji fucking Ikari. I was merely second away of doing it, our lips were centimeters away, my mind was only a few words away from convincing me. I was close, so very close and god, I hate myself so much for it. I hate myself for considering betraying Kaworu like that, if only for a second.

Even worst, I hate myself for feeling a slight tinge of regret at not going through with it.

The feeling has been there since it happened. It’s gnawing at me, berating me for being such a coward. It tells me that I betrayed myself, that I betrayed the Asuka Langley Soryu who claimed that she wasn’t afraid of anything, that she didn’t care who she stood on or hurt to get what she wanted, not only what she wanted but what she deserved.

Yes, I betrayed her. I betrayed that version of me from the past because I don’t deserve to kiss Shinji. I don’t have a right to him and I sure as hell am not going to hurt Kaworu to try to correct some stupid mistake I made years ago.

Yet, the voice is there.

_‘Pathetic, you’ve been waiting years for a moment like this and you ran away. You coward!’_

I didn’t run away damnit. I saved myself, I saved Shinji and I save Kaworu from the pain of what we would all have to go through if we cross that line.

Yet, the voice shouts back at me.

_‘So what if you do betray Kaworu? Look at who he is, what he is! Look at what he did to Shinji all those years ago. He tore that boy apart! Do you not think Shinji deserves some revenge for that? Don’t you think we deserve some vengeance too! He tried to take our Unit 2, he tried to take mama!’_

I look at myself in the mirror and resist the sudden urge to drive my fist through it. My reflection stares back at me wearing a scowl and my features now turned the whitest shade of pale. For a brief moment I wonder if maybe I’m going mad, trying to answer to a voice in my head but I remind myself that everyone is going through this. Everyone has these doubts and fears, these ghosts of the past that try to hurt us. Shinji has them, Rei does, Misato does and I know for a fact Kaworu does.

Deep breaths Asuka... take some deep breaths.

The Asuka that I hear, the voices from many years ago. She is me and I am her. Those voices are a part of me but I know what they are. They’re the result of fear, fear of being hurt and fear of being weak. Well I’m Asuka Langley Soryu damnit, and I’m going to kick fears ass!

I did the right thing. I knew fine well that coming here to Japan and seeing Shinji again wasn’t going to be easy. I knew that it’d awaken the feelings I have for him. I didn’t expect us to get as close as we did tonight but I also would never cross that line. I love Kaworu and regardless of my feelings for Shinji I am not going to betray him and I’m not going to leave him. I did the right thing tonight. I know it and Shinji will know it as well.

We got close tonight, maybe we allowed ourselves to get too close but it was natural. We ahven’t seen each other for a long time and there is still a lot to be resolved. We’ve been in touch for a short while again and already so much has happened. Still, we didn’t do anything because we both know that crossing the line would be wrong. Maybe things will be awkward as a result of this but it can help us. It proves we can be adults about certain things now.

As far as me considering kissing him and maybe feeling regret. Is that not natural? The mind... can wander but it's when you take action or let it go too far then it becomes a problem. We didn’t take action and we haven’t let anything go too far. We are exorcising those feelings for each other and yes... I do feel awful for considering but I didn’t do anything.

I take a few more deep breaths to calm myself and go back over those points in my head a few more times. Each loop makes me feel a little bit more at ease. I’m not pleased or proud of tonight at all. I know it was bad for us to get close and I won’t let it happen again but we did stop it, we actually stopped it and came out of it unharmed. I can take solace in that.

Happy Birthday to me I guess! What gift did I bestow upon myself? Guilt, shame and more to debate with myself.

I turn to look back towards the bedroom. Kaworu is fast asleep, no ide about what happened or at least, nearly happened tonight. He has no idea me and Shinji got that close. I have no idea if I should actually tell him. What do you say about something like that?

_‘Oh hey Kaworu, though you should know. Me and Shinji almost kissed tonight, but we did stop ourselves before so... never mind eh?’_

Still I... I want to tell someone. I want to just make sure I did do the right thing and that I shouldn’t feel this much guilt. I have to tell someone because... as much as I hate to admit it, I can’t deal with this alone. I pull my phone out of my bad and quickly scroll to a name in my address book and type out a message.

_‘Rei, need to speak to you. Hotel bar in 10? Asuka x’_

**Shinji Ikari**

_I’m the lowest..._

_I’m scum... I’m horrible... I’m a coward, a sneak, detestable..._

I almost kissed her. I wanted to kiss her. Even though I know she has a boyfriend, even though that boyfriend is my friend I was so close to doing it, I wanted to do it. If she hadn’t have said something to stop me than I would have done. I’d have committed the ultimate betrayal, after all that had happened, after he had forgiven me for the actions that I thought were unforgivable.

The worst thing is that... I actually regret not kissing her. I regret not reaching up with my hand, running it through her hair, cupping her cheek, tilting her head up and pressing my lips against hers. I regret not looking into her eyes, correcting the mistake from years ago and saying the words I’ve been wanting to say for so long.

_I love you Asuka._

Those words ring in my head, of course I love her! I love her because I’m such a horrible person. That’s all I’ll ever be! Asuka has someone, she is in love with them and they are in love with her. I should forget all about her. I should stop these foolish thoughts. Only... I can’t... because I’m the lowest of the low! I’m a horrible excuse for a human being. I’m...

I drive my fist forward in anger, it comes into contact with my pillow and I watch as the damn thing flies off the bed and lands on the floor of my bedroom. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate what I near did and I hate my stupid reaction to it.

My brain has taken wat nearly happened as the confirmation it needed to justify all those horrible things I’ve been thinking about myself. It’s seen what nearly happened, what I nearly did and my thoughts as some confirmation that I’m this evil and horrible person.

What is it with me? Why do I have this need to hate myself so much? Why am I unable to see myself as anything other than a bad person? Is this your doing father? Is this the gift I got from you when I was born? You couldn’t keep your own self-hatred within so it spread and branded itself onto my soul?

I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you and what you did to me!

All of this that I feel, every little piece of negativity it all goes back to you doesn’t it father? You imprinted it onto me, the Rokubungi family curse. I hate myself just like my father before me, just like your father before you and so on. Fuyutsuki told me what your parents were like, he said they weren’t good people either. This is what they gave to me!

This need, these feelings, they were always going to be there. Lurking in the background and seizing any opportunity. It’s hereditary, runs in families, just like any illness.

I know the facts. It’s an illness, no matter how I was raised I would have been susceptible to it. I could have been raised by two loving and present parents and had an amazing childhood and still that depression could rise to the surface. Only in my case my past helped it, the issues I fixate on are all influenced by it.

It feeds on the fears and feelings I had from a young age. He helped put them there. He feared other people, he feared hurting me and being hurt by me. So, he pushed me away but in him doing that... my depression... my anxiety fed on it. He abandoned me to save himself but it only sowed a seed within me that it fed on. I felt like I had done something wrong, like I was to blame and not worthy of love.

I let out a sigh of annoyance. Why does this have to happen now, why are these thoughts here now? I’m days away from this concert. I’m already nervous enough about performing in front of an audience that contains my friends and family without having this on top of me. I should be enjoying this moment and embracing it not... being like this.

Then again... they do say musicians perform better when under stress or some sort of trauma. If that’s true then I’ll be the best performer in the world in a couple of nights time.

I sit myself up on the bed and reach down to pick up the pillow and try to calm myself down. I need to break the cycle, I need to think about this properly... I need to do something but I don’t know what. When I think about it logically I... I almost kissed Asuka but I didn’t actually do it. All that happened was I felt strong feelings towards her but we stopped ourselves.

I know Asuka is with someone and it would have been wrong to do anything but I... I’m allowed to have feelings for someone, aren’t I? It isn’t wrong to love someone, it’s how you act that changes things.

It was no different to when I was out with Kaworu the other night. I... I felt things for him. I envisioned kissing him too. We didn’t get as close as me and Asuka did but we still got pretty close. I could picture kissing him then too but I didn’t.

Logically I... I have done nothing wrong. As if logic actually matters when it comes to my brain.

I just... I need to go through this and keep reminding myself I’m not a bad person and I’ve done nothing wrong. My focus for the next few days should be practicing for the concert and if I need to speak to someone... maybe Rei? She’ll know the right things to say.

For now, I look at my pillow and feel my eyes getting heavier. Sleep seems like a good idea, put tonight behind me and start properly tomorrow.

**Kaworu Nagisa**

_I look at the two of them, I smile and nod, “I love you Asuka... I love you Shinji.”_

_It is Asuka who speaks next, reaching over to cup Shinji’s cheek and softly stroking the boy's face, “I love you Shinji, I love you Kaworu.”_

_I turn to see the deep blush on Shinji’s cheek, “I love the two of you as well.”_

_I feel only warmth as the three of us embrace one another and fall asleep in each other’s arms. Each of us sleeping peacefully, holding onto each other for warmth and love. There is no more fear, no more negative feeling, we’re all together, propping each other up and sharing the love we have for one another._

Those are the thoughts that run through my head at this moment in time at least. Those are the scenes that my mind has conjured up based on Rei’s words. We embrace each other, give each other sweet little kisses and smile at one another, we deliver sweet declarations of love to each other.

I let out a little laugh, I know of course such a scene probably wouldn’t be possible. If there is one major different between the portrayal of romance in the media and romance in real life it’s that sleeping next to your partner is not an easy task. Sleeping with them in your arms or in their arms is night on impossible and if by some chance you do fall asleep, you usually wake up in some discomfort.

Still... the rest of it... the declarations of love... us all being together. Something about it just seems right. Would it be possible?

Since I spoke to Rei earlier tonight, I’ve gone over the idea a vast number of times. I admit, the idea is appealing, this idea that me, Asuka and Shinji could be in a relationship together. Still I have to ask again, is it possible? Would something like that even work?

It leads me to another thing I have learned, relationships are rewarding but they aren’t always easy. They require work between those involved. For people like myself and Asuka this is certainly the case, especially when you consider the people we are. We have a lot of issues to resolve, we have a lot of insecurity to deal with. Would introducing a third person to this not just add to the complications we already face? Considering that person is Shinji, I do have to wonder.

Still, what Rei said to me is true. I do love Shinji and I do love Asuka. I know for a fact that Asuka loves Shinji and that she loves me. I know that Shinji loves Asuka and... I can see the feelings he has for me as well. I saw them shine through the other night when we took that walk together. I saw it in his eyes, I saw it in how he smiled at me, I could feel it in how he held me when we took that selfie. He was at peace, he was comfortable and there was a connection.

It was a much stronger connection than the one I felt many years ago. Of course, I was no longer under the control of SEELE, I was no longer influenced by the call of Lillith, I was not and am not here to deceive. I could just be me, I could be Kaworu Nagisa.

For a moment... there was even a part of me that could have leaned in and kissed him. I could have cupped his cheek, smiled at him and told him all would be alright and kissed him softly on his lips. Of course, I would not do such a thing. To do so would have been a betrayal of what me and Asuka have, it would only cause more pain for the three of us. I do feel for him, but no so much that I would or could jeopardize what I have.

Still... Rei’s idea, if the three of us were together, If we allowed ourselves to face the reality of what the three of us feel then there would be no potential for betrayal, there would be no potential for hurting one another, there would be no fear of losing someone to another, there would be... us.

I am not so ignorant to think that perhaps similar thoughts haven’t entered Asuka’s mind concerning kissing Shinji, or that he has no considered kissing Asuka. I hope... I would hope that they would not do such a thing behind my back. I would be hurt by that but them thinking about it... it is natural for them to do so, especially when our feelings for each other are so strong... so why not just do this?

The seed that Rei has planted in my mind, it has taken root and is starting to grow. It seems like such a simple and obvious suggestion but I do have questions and reservations. Could it actually work? In an ideal world, yes it probably would. Yet, this world is not an ideal one and Shinji and Asuka are still human at their very core, even me and my alien upbringing and nature still clings to what can be seen as traditional human values.

The concept of two people in a relationship is ingrained in most of human culture. It is the ‘default’, the ‘standard’, the ‘normal’, so to speak. There are cultures that have or do practice forms of polyamory but they are usually met with suspicion or derision. It has unfortunately been the case that in some cases of multiple partners it is the result of manipulation or some form of abuse.

Yet I know there are genuine examples of relationships with multiple partners within this world. I know that there are cases where there is no power imbalance, no manipulation and what happens is healthy. So, I know that it can work.

I am also more than aware of the sexual side of multiple partners. It would seem that within the realm of pornography, threesomes and group sex are some of the more popular types of content. It is seen as something of an ultimate fantasy. I know that such videos are staged, the people involved very rarely in an actual relationship or in the cases in which the couple were in a relationship it was an outsider or someone they had no connection with.

The reality of a threesome seemed to be a bit darker. Many daytime TV shows or articles discussion threesomes gone wrong. A couple inviting a third person in and issues with infidelity or jealousy arose much later. Still, I wonder why things went wrong in these cases? Lack of communication? Lack of boundaries? Perhaps one of them was just trying to please their partner? Maybe they didn’t realize the connection.

For us three... We would have that communication, that connection, we would be building this relationship on our love for one another. Away from the warnings, away from the pornography there are genuine examples of such things working. People can break with tradition and forge the path they want. So, I can take heart knowing such things are possbile.

Perhaps then, it could be possible for Shinji, Asuka and I?

Again, my mind goes back to that scenario I envisioned earlier. It goes through other scenarios. The three of us together in the apartment, taking it in turns to cook meals for each other, playing games together or just relaxing and cuddling on the couch.

Again, my mind throws up doubts. Asuka and Shinji are not like me. They are human and I am... I’m an alien raised by humans. They are perhaps not quite as open minded as I am when it comes to such things. For me love... is love but for them love might be rooted in tradition. For us, it could be the case that we might not be as equal as I think we would be. One might feel jealous of another, one might feel frozen out. What if one would argue and feel the other is taking sides? How do you mediate such a thing?

It could even be the case that by suggesting the idea would ruin the love me and Asuka share. It could ruin my friendship with Shinji. Asuka could see it as confirmation that I am looking elsewhere. Shinji could see it as me trying to manipulate him.

The scenarios, the fantasies are just that, they are fantasy. They’re not practical and for each article that touts a success there is another that shows a failure.

Further to the point, how do I even suggest such a thing to them? Would I get them together in a room with me and tell them then? Do I speak to Asuka first or speak to Shinji first? It would surely be unfair to drop such a bombshell on the both of them together but it’d also be unfair to tell one and not the other would it not?

I admit, I have doubts as well. The fear of one being frozen out, both of those would have it and so would I. Perhaps it would be Asuka and Shinji who grow closer and I am frozen out, cast aside. Maybe... No, that is not it. I should not be suspicious of Rei. I do not believe her to be that devious.

What she has told me will be true and correct, at least she believes it to be true and correct. Yet, I do not know how to proceed with this information. What do I do next?

**Rei Ayanami**

I look at the clock on the wall to see that it’s just turned one a.m, the hotel bar is pretty much empty save for myself, a businessman in the corner left behind to sleep away his drunkenness and a tired barman who has set himself the task of wiping away all the watery circles left behind by the glasses of this evening patrons.

I shift my gaze to the lobby and see a young family stood there with their suitcases placed on the floor, in the mother's arms is a young child wriggling to be put down and holding the father's hand is a yawning boy. I assume they’re waiting for a taxi to come and take them back to the airport, so they can catch an early morning flight back to wherever it is in the world they’re from.

Kodama is upstairs, having fallen asleep not long after we finished making love. I think about my girlfriend, how my life is so much better now for her being in it. It is strange how a chance encounter can lead to something so fulfilling, I was not even thinking about being in a relationship when I met her on that day and yet something about her stuck with me. The more we spoke the more I liked, she also seemed to be one of the few who understood me.

There are very few I know who do understand, Asuka is one of them and perhaps there was a time when I would have liked to have been involved with her but I know her heart has always belonged elsewhere and I am fine with that. Asuka however, is the reason I am in this bar at this time of night, she messaged me not long after Kodama had fallen asleep, just as I was drifting off to sleep myself.

While I’m waiting, I find myself just observing and thinking about various things. I think about this bar, this hotel, they are places that never really close. A person's shift will end for another's to immediately begin, there is no moment in which things are left unoccupied. The family I see in the lobby, they are waiting to go home but in half an hour another family might arrive and check in. Two weeks from now that family may leave and be replaced by another, the cycle repeats.

People will arrive here, they may be families, young couples, those travelling alone or as part of a group. It could be in a taxi or a coach load of tourists but they will arrive. They will stay in hotels like this, they will do what people do, go to museums, eat and drink in the local restaurants, get drunk, shop, make love, and then they’ll return to their homes with a host of new memories. I only hope they are happy memories.

I take another sip of my drink and see Asuka finally enter the bar. She immediately spots me and slowly makes her way towards me. I study her expression as she gets closer, she looks worried about something? No... angry perhaps? It is difficult to tell. I already suspect something bad has happened, Asuka messaging me at such an early hour of the morning is not something I’d expect her to do.

I am worried that this might be my fault. My first thought is that something happened between her and Kaworu. He must have spoken to her about my suggestion earlier and the fool has messed it up! That has to be it. Me and Kodama must have been wrong to put our trust in him to do this. We shouldn’t have interfered.

“Hey Rei.” She sits down on the seat opposite me and lets out a sigh, “Sorry about this, I know it’s late but... I needed to speak to you about something.”

“It is fine.” I answer her, “Is everything alright?”

She nods, “Yes.... Well No... I... I don’t really know how to say this so I guess I’ll just come out with it. It’s... Urgh it sounds so stupid to even think about saying it. You’re not even going to believe it.”

She looks like she is almost about to laugh as she speaks. I meet her gaze and ask, “What happened? Has Kaworu done something?”

“Kaworu? No! Kaworu hasn’t done anything.” She looks up at the ceiling for a moment as my confusion grows, if this isn’t anything to do with Kaworu then what could it be? Her pause gives me a brief moment to try to think about what it could be but nothing comes to mind, “God! It’s... I almost kissed Shinji tonight.”

It takes a moment for my mind to actually process what Asuka has said to me. I was half expecting her to mention she had an argument with Shinji or Misato said something to upset her if this wasn’t related to Kaworu. I was in no way prepared for her to say this though. The shock of it causes me to almost spit out the water I’m drinking straight in her direction but I manage to contain myself.

“Could you please repeat that?” I ask her, just to make sure that what I thought I heard is in fact what I actually heard.

“I... almost kissed Shinji tonight.” She repeats it, her face turning red and her eyes lowered towards the table, “I was on the rooftop away from the party for a brief time. He found me and we were talking... I...”

She trails off and starts looking around the room and fidgeting with her hands. The silence lasts for thirty seconds before I decide to bring her attention back to the conversation, “What happened Asuka?”

She lets out a sigh in annoyance and throws her hands up, “We spoke, we hugged and I don’t know... there was a moment... a moment where we looked at each other and... well I don’t know if he thought it too but I did... I was close... it could have happened...”

This is not... ideal for what I was hoping would happen between the three of them. On the one hand it does show that there are still strong feelings on the side of Asuka and Shinji, it is proof of that but if they have already ruined that then it ruins the potential for all three of them to be happy. I am certain that the three of them belong together, Kodama is certain as well but we agreed to only try to nudge one of them in that direction. We are not going to interfere in it, we want it to be a natural thing, not forced.

Still... maybe I should... maybe I could say something because of what happened. No... I should not for now. Instead my duty is to my friend and making her feel better. I know this will make her feel bad and I understand that completely. I would feel the same if such a thing happened to me. The facts are this though, they nearly kissed but did not. She does not know if Shinji also wanted to kiss her, he likely did but that is not relevant.

Asuka has committed no sin, I should remind her of this, I should also find out what I can about this and her and Kaworu.

“Does Kaworu know what happened?” I finally ask after taking some time to get my thoughts in order.

She shakes her head, “No, of course he doesn’t know. How could I tell him something like that?”

We fall into silence as I try to think of something to say to her. I want to tell her that she has done nothing wrong because, in truth she hasn’t actually done anything wrong. She was hit by temptation but she resisted it, that is commendable. I am just unclear of what to say after that, this situation has thrown me, I did not imagine something like this would happen.

“I was right all along, I am a terrible person.” I hear her mutter.

“No!” I look up at her sternly, “You are not. If you had have kissed him then yes, perhaps you should feel guilt and like you are terrible but you did not. You and Shinji clearly have some feelings for each other and it is not easy to cast them aside, yet you both did not act on those feelings. You both made the right decision.”

She stops to think about my words, I watch as she frowns clearly dealing with some sort of inner conflict. I continue to speak, “You and my brother both need to confront those feelings you have for each other. You need to come up with a solution which is best for the two of you and also for Kaworu. You need to think about what you want. You are in love with and have no desire to leave Kaworu, that is correct?”

She nods, “I wouldn’t... I couldn’t... I love him. I don’t care how I feel about Shinji, I would never betray Kaworu like that.”

I nod, “Good. I do not think Shinji would want you to betray Kaworu either. He has his feelings for you but he would not want to hurt another to act on those feelings.”

“I know.” Asuka nods before letting out a laugh, “It’s funny but... coming here my fear was about Shinji and Kaworu and their feelings for each other. I didn’t think... something like this could happen. I thought... I don’t know what I thought... Maybe it was a mistake coming here, it’s too... complicated.”

“I do not think so.” I answer her, “I think the situation is not quite as complicated as you maybe think it to be. The fact is you and Kaworu are in a relationship, Shinji has unresolved feelings for the two of you and you two have unresolved feelings for him, there are solutions.

She nods as I wonder if maybe I’ve said too much. I don’t want to push them too much in this idea, me and Kodama agreed, it would only be Kaworu who we would nudge but after tonight's news I can’t stay completely silent. I have to do what I can.

“I know...” She begins to answer, “I just... don’t want to hurt Shinji any more than he has been. I know my only answer is to tell him that we should only be friends, we need to put the past behind us but... I know it’ll hurt him.”

It takes all of my being to not reach other, flick her on the forehead and call her an idiot. There is another solution Asuka! I cannot say anymore though, I don’t want to influence this too much so instead I nod, “Perhaps... I feel like heartbreak can be avoided though.”

“Maybe...” She nods before letting out a yawn and smiling, “I.... Thank you Rei. I think I... know what to do now.”


	25. Mother

**Asuka Langley Soryu**

I nod my head at the drive to confirm I’m ready and the car begins to pull away from the hotel slowly. I feel the familiar tingling of butterflies in my stomach as we round the first corner and begin the journey. The seat next to me is unusually empty, Kaworu isn’t going to be joining me on this journey. Instead he’ll be meeting up with Shinji and his friends to get to know them some more.

It feels strange, Kaworu not being here, I’m so used to his presence. I’m so used to turning myself and seeing his face there, either deep in thought, worrying about something or just smiling at me like there is nothing wrong in the world. I’m so used to seeing the look in his eyes that tells me he loves me, and I’m so used to reaching out and holding his hand. It feels wrong him not being here.

Also, quite strange is the lack of security following me today. I suppose they don’t expect anything from me so I only have a small detail nearby. Kaworu on the other hand will have more people following him. It’s actually something of a miracle we were able to do this today, I don’t think they wanted us to have any days where we weren’t together. I suppose I have Misato to thank for this being allowed.

I didn’t want to do this with him there though. It isn’t something that concerns him, its something I have to do on my own. I’m on my way to meet Hikari, the girl who was my best friend for those brief few months I spent in Japan the first go around.

As the butterflies in my stomach indicate I’m feeling anxious about it. This will be the first time I’ve seen her properly since those days. Sure, I saw her on my birthday but that was hardly a proper meeting. It wasn’t arranged, we didn’t get the chance to talk properly and it was in a very public place. This is an opportunity for us to catch up properly, for us to sit down and talk and for me to... apologize, I guess.

God, how I hate that word. How I hate having to apologize to people. I hate it because all it does is bring up the memories of that person I used to be. It forces me to repeat those scenes in my head, the yelling, the shouting, the taunting and the nastiness. It also forces my mind to revert for a moment, to yell at me and tell me how weak and pathetic I am for going against what I promised I would be.

_Apologize? What for, she should have been honored to be associated with someone like you. Someone as beautiful and talented. They all should have been. What do you have to apologize for?_

I try to talk myself through those thoughts. I know what I have to apologize for and why I have to do it. I know why my behaviour was wrong and I know the cause of it. I know why my mind is going to this, I know why that defense mechanism is in play. I know who I am, I know what I was and I know who I could be.

Problem is, I don’t really know who Hikari is now. Sure, I saw her the other day but it didn’t give me a good idea of anything. I honestly don’t know how today is going to go. When I left Japan, I wasn’t in a good place. When I left Japan, I did it without telling anything, not even her. In fact, in the months leading up to me leaving I don’t think I spoke to her more than a handful of times, even then I don’t think I was especially pleasant to her.

I would mostly avoid her and the others where I was able to. I couldn’t avoid Rei and Shinji of course but it was easy to avoid Hikari and Shinji’s friends. I could just hide in my room when they came over or I could pretend I wasn’t feeling well so I didn’t have to go out. I think I spoke to her a handful of times, and gave very little in the way of conversation.

It’s not like I was very good before Third Impact either. I took her friendship entirely for granted. Used her for my own gain, to allow myself to be noticed. That’s all people were to me, accessories so that I could be noticed and praised. Deep down... I wanted to tell people what they meant to me, I wanted to let them know I needed them but I never could tell them... I don’t think I could now either.

I can remember other things as well. I can remember the week or so I stayed at her place. I had run away from Misato’s after seeing my sync rate drop rapidly, after I had been beaten numerous times, after my mind had been violated by that Angel and I had had one too many arguments with Shinji. I remember doing nothing but sitting in front of a television screen, absent mindedly playing her games consoles all day. I said little, I did little, I barely even ate.

I remember one night breaking down in front of her, sobbing my heart out and then the next day I left. That’s something I’m good at, leaving. I’m good at running away, from people and from myself.

I suppose I’m lucky, very lucky.

I’ve been given a big second chance, one more chance than I think I deserve. It’s been so difficult for me to shake off the image of who I was. I always hear the things I said, I always remember the thoughts I had and I always see the way I acted and it just leaves this awful taste in my mouth.

I hear the driver call to me that we’ll be arriving at the café in just five minutes. My thoughts shift quickly from my upcoming meeting with Hikari to what happened between me and Shinji last night. I had a restless night's sleep, worried that if I were to fall asleep, I’d probably end up dreaming about it. I felt this knot in my stomach all morning when speaking to Kaworu. I was on the verge of telling him numerous times.

I don’t really know what I would say to him just yet though. I don’t want to hurt him over something that didn’t actually happen. I also don’t think it’d be too fair on Shinji to tell Kaworu without him knowing or having a say in it too.

I knew that this trip would not go without some complications. I knew that it would be strange for all three of us but I was hoping the strangeness would just rear its head in the form of awkward silences, perhaps the odd comment or minor argument. I didn’t expect to nearly kiss Shinji.

For the remaining for minutes of the journey I remain lost in thought. I go over the conversation with Shinji. I go over what happened when I last saw Hikari. I think about what I might say to her today. Do I apologize for who I was? For what I was? I wonder if Hikari even knows a thing about my past? Do I explain it all to her?

I guess I’ll have to. I guess it’s time for Asuka the writer to tell her story.

I feel the car slow down and eventually come to a stop, as it does the knot in my stomach tightens. God, I hate feeling nervous like this. I feel just like I did before I used to launch in Unit 02. I hated that feeling then and I hate it now. At least I don’t have to contend with being launched upwards at a ridiculous speed anymore. At least when I get out of this car it’ll be a friend I see and not a hideous abomination hellbent on destroying everything I know.

Still I can hear that voice in my mind trying to drag me down for feeling nervous, just as it did back then. Telling me how weak I am for feeling this way. How I had no reason to be nervous, how I shouldn’t be nervous.

“We’re here.” I hear the driver announce to me through the gap. I thank him and reach forward slipping him a few notes from my purse. He looks at me, somewhat surprised and confused by my attempt to tip him.

“Take it.” I tell him and look to see a photo on his dashboard of him and a family, “Treat your kid.”

He takes the money and thanks me and I finally get out of the car. No turning back now. I’m barely out of the car before I hear the voice calling me.

“ASUKA!”

My head turns towards the source of the sound and I see Hikari stood outside of the café grinning at me. I shoot her a smile back and adjust my skirt before calling back, “Hikari!”

I make my way towards her and she immediately pulls me into a hug. I hug her back and she releases me and takes a look at the car I just arrived in, “Wow, you travel in style, don’t you?”

“Well you know... I guess when you’re as important as I am you have to travel like this. I mean, not only am I one of the saviours of mankind but I’m also a highly regarded author.” I grin and boast back at her. I cringe inwardly at my own words as they leave my mouth, so much for the new humble Asuka. I just hope she knows I’m not being totally serious when I boast.

“A... published author? You?” She blinks at me in surprise.

I nod, “Yes! What are you surprised at?”

“Nothing I just... didn’t expect that from you! Wow, we have so much to talk about it seems.” She answers and I follow her into the café. We take a moment to look around for a suitable seat before picking one near to the window.

The knot in my stomach tightens as the reality of the situation fully sets in. I’m now set opposite one of my best friends, one of... my only friends after so many years of not seeing her. A friend... it’s still a bit of a foreign word and concept to me. Hikari was really the first friend I ever had.

I had a very lonely childhood, that was of my own making. The younger Asuka Langley Soryu didn’t need friends. She would push people away, at first it would be a gentle attempt to do so. A no thank you would generally suffice followed by turning away. Sometimes it would be a bit more forceful, calling the other person stupid, making them cry... the usual.

I didn’t need friends. I didn’t need a childhood. I didn’t want to be seen or treated like a kid. All I needed was myself and I didn’t want to deal with all that petty stuff.

This changed when I got to Tokyo-3, suddenly I had friends and I found it hard to push them away. Of course, me being me, I had to twist it. I didn’t have friends because I wanted them, I didn’t have friends because deep down I was fucking lonely. No... I had friends because it was convenient to do so. I had friends because I could use them to put the attention on me.

“How are you? It’s been... a long time, last time we saw each other it was...” Hikari suddenly tails off as she likely remembers the last time we saw one another and probably after seeing the discomfort on my face, “...sorry.”

“Was that the time I told you and the others to go away whilst in a fit of rage?” I ask her calmly, “Or do you mean the time before that, when I ran away from your fathers in Tokyo-3?”

She lowers her eyes to the table, “Sorry I... You probably want to put all of that behind you, don’t you?”

“No, don’t be sorry.” I shake my head, “You’re right. I do want to put it all behind me but... Over the last few years that’s all I’ve been doing. Trying to put things behind me and all it’s done is made things worth. I had to talk about it and I have to apologize. Just so you know... I do hate apologizing.”

She smirks, “Well... I never once heard you do such a thing in the months I went to school with you.”

I shrug and give a half smile back at her, “Well... I never had anything to apologize for, did I? It was always Shinji’s fault, or whoever was the target of my ire deserved it, or... you know how it is. You know what I was. You even tried to call me out on it a few times but you never got through.”

The smile fades from my face as the guilt of my past comes to the surface again. I’ve been over those moments far too many times. I’ve tried to justify my actions but the truth is, as I and Hikari know, there is no excuse.

I look over at Hikari who seems a little bit taken aback by my words. I don’t think she was quite expecting me to respond in such a way. I don’t think she realized that I have and am trying to make an effort to change. She reaches out and grabs my hand, “It’s okay Asuka.”

“I can’t justify a single part of it Hikari... and believe me I have tried.” I shrug again, “I’m sorry for it... I truly am, I was a... an incredibly fucked up person back then. I wasn’t just a silly foreign girl who had issues adjusting to a new mysterious country. I wasn’t just some girl with a superiority complex, I was... fucked up. I was a scared little girl who hid her fear behind anger and a lot of pride.”

“Asuka...” Hikari’s voice is barely above a whisper as her hand tightens around my own, “You could have spoken to me at any time.”

“I know.” I nod, “I know that, and I could have spoken to a number of people. Misato... Shinji... Therapists... but I couldn’t do that. You have to understand that from a young age I turned my back on other people. I stopped relying on anyone but myself. I saw relying on other people as making me weak. So, I couldn’t confide or be helped by anyone be it family, friends or professional.”

I take a deep breath and ready myself for the next part of the discussion. Talking to her about mama and the various things I witnessed. Talking to her about my childhood. It’s fine, I’ve done this before with Rei and Kaworu... I can do it again.

I have to wonder what she knows already, does she know anything? She shifts uncomfortably in her seat for a moment before looking me in the eyes, “Is it... related to your mother?”

I nod my head, “Yes, how did you know?”

“It was a guess... I suppose I kind figured something was up when you stayed at my place. You called for her in your sleep, every night you were there.” She answers me and I feel myself cringe at how I must have seemed back then, “I kinda guessed but I couldn’t find the nerve to mention it. I meant to bring it up later but again...I was scared to do so. When I heard that I thought that must be it though, you weren’t alone Asuka. All of us... we all lost our mothers when we were young.”

“When did you lose yours?” I ask her.

“When I was very young.” She begins to answer, “Dad said it was an accident at the lab. A freak fire broke out and she was killed in it. It was probably far too much information for a child but we were told the body was scarred beyond recognition. I later found out that was a lie, the body that he saw... that we buried wasn’t hers. It was someone else killed in a fire... she was...”

“Kills and absorbed into a spare core... in case you were needed?” I finish her sentence for her and frown as I watch her nod silently. Maybe it should have dawned on me earlier but I’m only just realizing now how dark my classes situation was. An entire classroom full of kids whose mothers had been taken away from them.

If there was ever proof needed of how evil SEELE was this is it. Mothers taken from children to be used as spare parts for those monsters we piloted. It’s almost too much to comprehend.

“I didn’t even know I was a candidate whilst I was in school. I was only told after Third Impact when they started to reveal some of the truth of it all.” She speaks, “I just... our entire class... we all knew we had that in common but because of how horriffic Second Impact was and the state of the world I guess we never connected the dots.”

“I had no idea... I guess I never asked.” I reply, “I assumed most people had both parents... I didn’t know it was everyone.”

“Part of the reason I’m the way I am... the way I was... being the class rep, the honour student and all that stuff is because of losing her. My dad tried to raise us as best he could but he had to work all of the time to support three growing girls.” Hikari begins to explain, “Kodama was the oldest of us, I guess it should have been her but she just couldn’t get the hang of it and Nozomi was too young, we tried to shield her from any pain. It fell to me to be the one to do it. I was the one who cooked, cleaned and had the responsibility. I was the one who became the mother and it affected me.”

“It must have been tough.”

“Sometimes on an evening I’d look at myself in the mirror, see how serious I was... how uptight I was, think about how bossy I could be and all this responsible and want to break down crying but I couldn’t. I had to be strong for those two and for father. Inside though... I just wanted to scream and tell it and everyone to fuck off!”

“Hikari!” my eyes widen in surprise at hearing her choice of words.

“I was the mother at home, the class rep in school, the straight A student. I hated it at times, I was friendless and had no outlets. I was sure most people hated me as well. One day you came into my life and you were... my first real friend. You didn’t care who I was, you just saw beyond it.”

I wish I could feel something good about her words but the truth is that the reason I became friends with her back then is because I saw her status. It was just the old Asuka trying to get herself noticed and latching on for her own gain.

Hikari smiles at me, “I know what you’re thinking and don’t worry... maybe you did use me at first but... is that really the truth of it? Is that really what you saw our friendship as?”

I take a few moments and shake my head, “No... I guess it isn’t. I... had no idea you were going through all that as well. I... Shinji as well and I suppose all the others. We’re all victims.”

“What about you? What happened?”

“Well...” I prepare myself to tell her about my mother, “You’re right... for me it started with my mother. I was barely four years old when it happened. She was working on some big project... and there was an accidently. Same as your mother... same as Shinjis and I suppose the same as the others. Only with mine... they found a body and my mother didn’t die... not for a while anyway...”

**Kaworu Nagisa**

I lean on the barrier and watch the people on the frozen rink ahead of me for a few moments. I see the various groups of people skating around, most of them enjoying themselves. I see young children pushing large animal shaped objects for support, parents close behind them. I see couples in love holding hands and smiling at each other. I see a few people spinning in place and trying their hand at various tricks and I see others who are just content to skate around in circles and enjoy their time here.

A big part of me wants to try it out for myself but there is an equally big part of me that is terrified of the prospect. Outside of basic pilot training for the Eva I was never made to do or even allowed to do any sort of physical activity. I never played any sports, I never swam, I never ran... I didn’t do... well anything really. My angelic body back then kept my form in good physical condition, I was an entity that didn’t really need to ingest food or exercise for my wellbeing so never required exercise.

Now I have more to contend with, I have to be concerned with what I eat and drink, I do some slight exercise, I do tire and I can be hurt. I can see the scene now, I step onto the ice and five minutes later I’m carried off of it, my arm in a sling.

Still... despite the risk and worry, I really want to try it. Perhaps at a later time I can bring Asuka or maybe... if things do manage to work themselves out, I can bring Asuka and Shinji. Yes! I think that is what I will do, I will figure this out and bring the two of them.

“Nagisa.”

A soft voice snaps me away from my thoughts of the three of us holding each other's hands and skating around the ice. I turn to see Rei stood behind me, her red eyes locked onto mine. I smile at her, “Rei, thank you so much for coming.”

“It is no problem.” She answers me before making her way to the barrier, “I had assumed you would probably have questions or things you wanted to say to me after our discussion yesterday, so I made sure to keep my schedule free.”

“Thank you, I... really appreciate that.” I nod back at her and take a look at the crowds of people around us. This probably isn’t the best place for a discussion of this nature, “Should we go elsewhere? I saw a café as I came in. I will buy us some tea?”

She nods, “That would be nice, thank you.”

We turn and make our way back through the crowds and towards the small café. I realized that if I was going to be serious about this thing between myself, Asuka and Shinji I should probably speak to Rei some more regarding the subject. I didn’t want to rush into anything but I also realized I am on something of a tight timeline, me and Asuka will not be in Japan forever and then I might have missed my chance, we all might have... missed our chance.

We arrive at the café and go inside, I order us a small pot of tea and we take up a seat in one of the quiet corners of the room. Rei starts to pour herself some tea from the pot and looks at me, “You have not spoken to Asuka regarding our discussion last night yet, have you?”

I shake my head, “No... Not yet. That’s... what I wanted to speak to you about really. I’ve been thinking a lot about what you told me. Thinking about how I feel for the two of them and how they might feel for me and each other.”

“Good.” She nods, “Despite my feelings towards it, it would not be wise for you to have rushed into anything. What conclusions have you come to?”

“You’re right... I love the both of them and I think it is also true that they have feelings for each other and for me as well. I still have some reservations though, I guess... I do not see myself as fit for the both of them. I guess I feel that perhaps the two of them would be better off without me.”

“I am sure given who the two of them are, they will also, quite irritatingly, share those feelings as well. I am sure Asuka probably feels you and Shinji would be better off together and I am certain Shinji feels you and Asuka and better off together.”

“I... That is true.” I shrug and give an embarrassed smile, “In that respect we are all the same and, in that way, we are all made for one another.”

“I feel that is obvious to everyone except for yourselves.” She smiles at me, “You only need to look at the three of you together for a few minutes to see how right it looks.”

I feel my heart flutter a little bit at her words, “Do you really think so?”

She nods her head again, “Yes, although I do appreciate that it is probably not a normal thing people would consider.”

“I know... that’s what I’m struggling with. I... feel it’s right but I don’t really know what to do. I love Asuka so much and I don’t want to do anything that might risk damaging what we have. I couldn’t live with myself if I upset her.” I answer, “But I know for certain how she feels regarding Shinji and I know how I feel about Shinji. We both love him and he... if you say he loves us then I believe that to be true. I just don’t know how to progress... humans are... they are complicated.”

“You are human, you are a part of that complexity.”

“I wasn’t always human... and neither were you Rei. The two of us have memories and thoughts that don’t belong to us, that belong to beings long since left this reality. Beings for whom love has no boundaries because of what they were to become.” I shake my head, “We also bear the burden of those who raised us and what we were.”

“True, but you are human now and you are among humans. If you can deal with this situation then so can they, regardless of your origins.” She sips from her tea, “I admit, I am unsure myself how to approach such a thing. I am aware that Asuka and Shinji are unlike us, they have not seen love in the same way, they have seen it weighted down by the society they were brought up in. Yet, I have faith that they can see past that societal baggage and see that love is... love.”

I sip from my own tea, “Do you think it is something you and Kodama could ever entertain?”

Rei nods and sets her cup down, “Perhaps, if the right person came along that we both fell in love with then I believe we could make it work.”

“I see...”

“Besides...” Rei continues, “It was Kodama who first thought to suggest I speak to you about it. So, I already know she is not against such concepts.”

“Kodama... suggested you speak to me?” I look at her in some mild shock, I thought this idea had come solely from Rei. I did not think for a second that Kodama was, in a way, behind it.

“Yes, I was... concerned about Shinji after he discovered you and Asuka were an item. I was also concerned for the pair of you when you met Shinji again. I knew about the unresolved feelings you all had for one another.” She begins to explain, “I expressed these worries to Kodama, and it was her who suggested to speak to you about the situation.”

I smile, “She is... still trying to help me. Tell her thank you.”

“She cares a lot about you.” Rei answers, “She helped me come to terms with my feelings regarding you as well. She made me see that you and I... are not so different, even if at one point we were technically on opposite sides.”

I shake my head, “We weren’t on opposite sides by choice... we were used Rei.”

“I know... and that is why I want to help you as well. You are my friend and so are they, you deserve happiness.” She takes another sip.

“I’m just worried about getting it wrong, what if I suggest it at the wrong moment and it causes problems for me and Asuka. What if it causes them to drift further apart, the last thing I want to do is ruin their friendship and the last thing I want to do is ruin what me and Asuka have.”

“Nor would you want to risk Asuka realizing she loves Shinji more and running off with him.” She offers up another, heartbreaking, scenario, “It is a valid possibility and maybe you are right... acting on this could cause pain for one or all three of you. Perhaps your relationship with Asuka or the friendships you have. Yet... you were friends with Asuka before you entered a relationship with her, were you not?”

“True...”

“And there was a risk of that friendship being ruined was there not?”

“That is also true but that wasn’t as if it happened because I asked... it just sort of... happened.”

“in which case perhaps, this will also ‘just happen’. When the right moment presents itself then I feel It will happen. As for the risk, love is always a risk but it is worth it, is it not?”

**Asuka Langley Soryu**

I can see the discomfort in Hikari’s eyes as she looks around after my little revelation. It’s been just under a minute, she hasn’t said anything and I haven’t added anything else yet. She won’t know anything else that happened but I imagine she already knows none of it will be good.

She’s probably thinking about what she could say to that. After all what do you say to someone in this situation? What do you say to someone who has just told you their mother died tragically and is about to tell you more, tell you about how it affected them deeply and fucked up their life?

_‘I’m so sorry to hear that Asuka’_

Such a cliché. Said to me so many times and one I’ve said myself to people on occasion. Everyone says it because we can’t say anything else. What else can we do but throw out a cliché? At least it shows they care, at least it shows there is support there. Sometimes the best way is to use a cliché, thank you Fish for that one.

“I’m sorry.” She finally says after some time, “You... You know if you don’t want to talk about this... we don’t have to.”

“I know.” I nod, “But... I do want to talk about it. I need to talk about it, so I can set things straight between us and maybe help you understand who I am and why I’m the way I am.”

“Asuka... you don’t need to explain anything. I’m your friend and I always will be.” She answers and gives me a little smile.

“I know.” I say it again and nod again along with it, “I know, but talking is supposed to be good for you right? I... want to do this.”

“Okay, just know that... if you want to stop and talk about anything else... we can.” Hikari squeezes my hand as she says it. It’s funny, once upon a time I’d have gotten offended by someone trying to do that. It’d have sent me into a rage, demanding that people don’t touch me and telling them I don’t need their support or pity. It’d have made me look ‘weak’, now... I like it. It feels comforting.

“I’ll start at the beginning... my mother was one of the leads for the Evangelion project. Specifically, Evangelion Unit 02. It was her job to work with the others around the world and help develop what’d become the standard for the Evangelion series.” I begin to explain to her, “She wasn’t supposed to tell anyone but she told me all about it, as much as a kid could understand anyway. She told me that ‘Mama was working on something that’d save the world’ and one day I’d help her do it.”

“Asuka...”

“One day something changed, she didn’t come home in a good mood, she was... shaken up. I was too young to understand it all but I know now it was because she had just found out about Shinji’s mother. Shinji’s mother had done the first contact experiment with Evangelion Unit 01 and they lost her.”

“Did she know Shinji’s mother?”

I nod, “They studied together apparently and were good friends. They worked pretty close with one another. It’s weird... Had things not went the way they had done me and Shinji could have been childhood friends.”

“When did you find out about that?”

“Only in the last year or so and I doubt Shinji knows about any of it. I had to... ask and poke about a bit and I don’t see him doing that. Although... maybe Rei has told him.” I answer her, “Anyway... after that she spent more time working and less time at home with me and Papa. I think what happened to Shinji’s mom scared her, and she wanted to avoid it or... she knew she was in danger.”

I feel that ache at the back of my throat that signifies the closeness of tear and I try to swallow it away. I’m not going to cry in public damnit, I can cry later. Just... get this out for now Asuka. Hikari squeezes my hand again in support.

“I can’t be certain but I think Shinji’s mother knew in advance what was going to happen but she made peace with that... she was willing to carry that burden but I don’t know if she wanted others to.” I continue to speak, “I remember my parents arguing one night, my father screaming at her about her obsession and my mother only repeating that she had to solve Yui’s problem. It was... my last memory of them together.”

“She couldn’t refuse to do the contact experiment could she?”

I shake my head, “No, no choice at all. I imagine if she refused or tried to run then the consequences would have been worth. So it was either figure out how to not recreate what happened to Yui or face worse consequences. My mother... she didn’t want to die, but she didn’t want anything to happen to her family either. So... she ended up doing the experiment...”

I trail off as the memories of those days come rushing back to me. I was so very young and the memories now are fragmented but vivid. I can remember being alone in a room, playing with some toys out of a box. I can remember the sound of alarms and being scared when I heard the shouts and screams from outside. I remember crying when I heard them.

I can remember when the people came to take me, their hushed voices as they spoke amongst themselves and shot me worried glances. All I could do was stand there on my own, cry and ask about mama.

I can remember my father, such as he was, taking me by the hand and leading me away. He told me there had been an accident and mama had been hurt. He lied to me that she would be alright and a moment later I saw him joking with one of the nurses and feeling her up. By that point my parents had broken up, my mother's obsession with fixing Yui’s problem had torn a hole in their relationship.

I remember throwing up in the corridor and being taken away and cleaned up by one of the other nurses. A nice woman with glasses called Nurse Makinami. I always remembered her kindness and wish I could see her again. My writing name is a tribute to her, I don’t know if her first name was Mari but it seemed to fit.

“What happened?” Hikari asks me, her voice quivering. She seems to be having as tough a time holding back the tears as me.

“Mama was... damaged. Incapable of recognizing me... my father or any of her co-workers. At first the doctors were optimistic that it was just a temporary thing. A sort of amnesia brought on by the shock of the experiment. They didn’t know the truth though... they were just regular doctors in a normal hospital and this was far from a normal situation.”

“What... was the truth?”

“Mama...” I bite my bottom lip briefly to try to stem the tears, I look around the room for a moment until I can find a way to speak, “...had been torn in two. The part of her that I knew, that I loved and that loved me... that recognized me was lost to the Eva forever and all that had been left behind was a shell. An empty husk that hated me... that did nothing but speak to a ragdoll and warn it about me...”

“Oh Asuka...”

“Mama had tried to solve Yui’s problem by introducing a new stage to the contact experiment, she wanted to create a copy of a person's mind and implant that instead. Similar to the dummy plugs that were used later on but there was one flaw.” I explain, “The Eva’s didn’t need a mind directing them... they needed a soul, a real... human soul.”

Hikari’s hand tightens around mine, “Asuka...”

“Mama... the shell that was left behind it... took its own life. I guess... I guess... I don’t know... I was... I discovered the body.”

Hikari lets a tear fall down her cheek and I feel myself blink several times to keep my own at bay. I choke out my words, “From that day on I... relinquished any sort of childhood I could have had. I decided I wasn’t going to be a child anymore, I wasn’t going to accept anyone's help or support. All I needed was myself and I was going to be better than anyone else.”

“Asuka...” Hikari shakes her head and squeezes my hand.

“I was a goddamn four-year-old child Hikari.” I hear the growl in my voice, “No one... not one person tried to stop me. My father he... made a half-arsed attempt but by that point he had shcked up with another family, had a step son that he didn’t need to deal with in the same way he would me. So I was handed off to Gehirn. The commanders and people there were all too happy to have this item delivered into their possession.”

“They just... took you in?”

I nod, “Of course they did, I was a perfect candidate to become a soldier. They could use my grief and my determination and mold me into the idea pilot and soldier. As long as I got praise from them, I was obedient. They stroked my ego, fed the flames and I excelled in everything I did. My attitude problem notwithstanding because in the long run they had what they wanted. An asset, a perfect little soldier that was ultimately expendable.”

“You had no other family?”

“I did.” I answer her, “But either they didn’t care enough to reach out to me or Gehirn saw to it they weren’t able to. I never realized it until I was older and looked back but all I was at that age was a frightened little girl, desperate to be held and lashing out in grief. No adult should have taken me seriously but my father ran and Gehirn manipulated me. They took advantage of me...”

“I... had no idea.” She shakes her head, “I’m so sorry Asuka...”

“It isn’t your fault and... I can’t blame them entirely.” I reassure her, “Maybe at some point when I was growing up, I should have saw what I was and what I was becoming. I should maybe have saw the damage I was doing to myself and reached out but I never did.”

“Was there anyone you could have reached out to?”

I shrug, “I don’t know... I guess I opened up a bit to Misato and Kaji but not as much as I should have done. With Misato you... well you know what she was like, I don’t think she knew what to do or say. With Kaji he’s... well he was a bit of a typical man and I only opened up to him because I thought it’d make him feel sorry for me and let us grow closer... silly childhood crushes.”

Hikari takes a few moments to regain her composure. I have, through some miracle, managed to keep my tears at bay. The knot in my stomach is tightening though and I’m sure I would be crying, were I not in public.

“Have you told anyone else about all of this?”

“Yes.” I answer her, “Kaworu and Rei know everything. Shinji knows... bits and pieces. I’ve obviously never sat down with him and told him it all properly. Given that idiots past I don’t know if I ever could.”

For a moment my mind flashes back to the ‘near kiss’ from last night.  I wonder if it would actually be possible now to even speak to him after that, never mind unload all of this. I thought that, after speaking to Rei, I might have more of an idea of what to do but everything is so complicated because of it.

I wonder if maybe I should mention It to Hikari but as I look at the girl crying and trying to regain some composure, I realize it isn’t wise. I’ve just unloaded so much baggage onto her I can’t add anymore. This is supposed to be two friends reuniting after years apart. We should be laughing and making fun of our boyfriends.

No, I’ll have to figure this one out on my own. I had an idea of what I should do but now I’m doubting myself.

“Sorry.” I finally say after some time, “I didn’t mean to bring you down or anything.”

“No... It’s fine.” Hikari shakes her head, “You haven’t I just... wish I had known at the time. I would have... tried to help.”

“I wouldn’t have let you Hikari.” I answer her plainly, “I had to want the help, I had to be ready to accept help and back then I wasn’t ready or willing. I’d have just pushed you away like I did to everyone else. Besides... you told me yourself, you had your sisters to deal with and school...it wouldn’t have been fair.”

“I understand but now... if you need anything, I am here, please... know that.”

“I know...” I nod, “And thank you.”


	26. Full Circle

**Shinji Ikari**

I bring the bow across the strings with my right hand, care to not add too much pressure as the notes ring out. At the same time, I bring my left hand up towards the top end of the cellos neck. I quickly move the fingers on my left hand into the correct position and press down. I bring the bow back and let the chord ring out again for a few seconds before quickly shifting to the next chord and then returning to the first.

Behind the sounds of my own cello I can hear the sound of the click track playing loudly in my ear to help me keep time with the rest of the group. Behind that I can actually hear the rest of my group, the live band and the singer. I try to make sure I don’t focus too much on what others are playing or the words of the singer and instead focus on working through this chord sequence. It’s one of the ones I struggled with in practice but I’m nearly through without any mistakes.

A few chord changes later and I finally arrive at the end of the sequence and to the end of the song itself. This also marks the end of the first half of the concert. Only another hour of playing left followed by the encore and I’m through this. I can feel the sweat on my forehead and the pounding in my chest as I take a moment to look up and over the audience who has risen to their feet and is giving everyone on stage a standing ovation.

I take this time to locate the row with all my loved ones, it doesn’t take me long to do so, the trio of Asuka, Rei and Kaworu standing out among the more reserved hair colours of the rest of the audience. I turn quickly to see the others in my group, they’re also looking out over the audience trying to locate their loved ones. Most of them with a mixture of happiness and relief on their faces.

My eyes return to my loved ones, they’ve all located me and I feel my cheeks glow red in response to their gazes. Misato is shooting me a big grin and cheering loudly, if she is this loud at the break then how loud will she be at the end of the show? Touji gives me a big thumbs up and yells something, this earns him an elbow in the stomach from Hikari. Rei smiles at me as she continues to clap politely. Next to her is Asuka and Kaworu, Asuka gives me an encouraging nod and Kaworu smiles warmly as the two of them applaud.

I feel a strange flutter in my stomach at catching their gaze but have little time to think about it as we receive the cue to leave the stage. I make sure my cello is placed correctly on the stand and slot my bow into a holder next to it before turning to leave.

It’s been a few days since I’ve had the chance to see Asuka and Kaworu, something I regret but I’ve been busy with practicing and in my free time I suppose I... I’ve been avoiding them. What happened with Asuka the other day is fresh in my memory and I’m unable to shift this strange feeling of regret. Regret at it nearly happening and regret at it... not actually happening.

I wanted to kiss her... and I know that makes me a bad person because I know what would have happened and what pain would have been caused if I had done it. Yet... I still regret not kissing her because then maybe... she would have been mine. Maybe I would have fulfilled that desire I had for so many years.

If that sounds bad then... I suppose that is because it is and I kick myself for thinking it. I love her and I want to be with her but not that way. Not at the expense of another person, not if it involves hurting another person. I’ve been hurt so much in my own life because of another person's selfishness that I don’t want to do that.

It is just the case I suppose that me and Asuka aren’t supposed to be. I am... fine with this. I’m not especially happy but in time I will move forward. I am, if anything thankful for her friendship and I will always love her and support her. The same with Kaworu. Maybe it is better this way, I love them both and... I cannot be with them both.

I will move forward, I have been stalling for so many years because I’ve been scared to do so. I’ve been stalling because I feel so much guilt over who I was and who I think I am but I need to start to move past that. These past few months have been the start of a turning point for me and I don’t want to move backwards. I want to live my life, I want to be happy for my friends and I want them to be happy for me.

I have not told MIsato this yet, nor have I told anyone else but my group and the band on stage have been offered a recording contract. They want us to record the songs from tonight's concert for an album and they also want us to write some original pieces with a look forwards a television performance.

The idea of it terrifies me. For so long I’ve been scared to be out in public because I feared people knew who I was. I couldn’t walk down a street with two people on it because I thought they might recognize me. Tonight, I’m performing in front of a crowd of two thousand people and if this television performance happens it’ll be millions.

I will be fine though. I know I will I just have to keep moving forward.

**Misato Katsuragi**

I am so proud of him.

I am so very proud of him.

That is all I’ve thought for the past hour as I’ve watched that young man on that stage and play those songs. Pride fills every part of me to see what he has become, to think about all the obstacles he has overcome in his life to get to this point. I only hope he knows how proud I am of him.

I just question if I really deserve to feel any pride at all, maybe I should be feeling shame because of how I’ve been and how little I’ve done to actually help him. I met Shinji five years ago and for those first few months that I knew him, when I took him into my home, I treated him like crap. If he wasn’t doing every chore around the apartment and cleaning up after me, I was putting him into life or death situations.

If Shinji had walked away from me after Third Impact I wouldn’t have blamed him. He could very easily have gone to live with another family, who would have been able to be proper parents to him. A family that could have supported him properly and let him enjoy some of his teenage years. I wouldn’t have stopped him, after all he deserved better than me.

I was never really an ‘active’ guardian to Shinji, nor Asuka for that matter. I took in Shinji because on the day I met him I felt sorry for him, I saw his issues with his father and saw a kindred spirit. I didn’t have a clue how to handle a child, I could barely handle myself. I could never even figure out what I was supposed to be for him, a mother? A sister? A commanding officer?

Same with Asuka. I took her in by default, just because she had nowhere else and I felt sorry for her. It isn’t like I actually did anything to help her out though. I sent them to school, I sent them to NERV and I sent them to fight. That was the extent of my participation. Most of the time I’d just let them get on with things. I always thought that was why he and Rei decided to live with me after Third Impact. The two of them knew what to expect, they could live how they wanted and be comfortable. The only thing they had to deal with was me.

Who was I exactly? A disgraced military captain from a disgraced government agency. I was a drunkard that was driven forwards by some immature revenge fantasy. I was an immature woman who couldn’t handle responsibility nor get a grip on her own life. I was a warmonger... who sent children out to die to avenge my father’s death.

I was all of the above and I was also the closest thing any of them had to a mother. How horrible were their lives if the closest thing they ever had to a parent was a wreck like me?

Shinji and Rei made their decision many years ago to remain with me, Asuka made that decision as well. It was on that day that I made the decision to change my ways. I would cut down on alcohol and I would be there for all three of them. I would do what I could to support them in what they wanted to do. I would spend time with them, take them away and advise them. I would do what I could to be the mother they deserved.

Making those changes was not easy, it’s been tough to alter my behaviour and I know it has been tough for all three of them. Shinji... that kid has been through so much, much more than anyone else should ever have dealt with. He carried the weight of the world on his shoulders, he was at the brink of the very end and he very nearly took us all over the edge.

I can’t imagine what it must feel like to have been through that and also to carry the guilt from it. He saved us but he was very close to ending it for everyone, and that must eat away at him. Still, he has to let that go and he deserves this moment and the happiness that comes with it more than anyone I know.

Actually, that’s wrong... Asuka and Rei deserve these sorts of moments as well, they both deserve happiness. Rei was... she was quite literally created just to be a tool. She was an accessory for a madman hell bent on reuniting with his dead wife. She had so many years of being treated as less than human, being told she was just for one purpose, she deserves so much more.

Asuka, when I met her, I was surprised at how well kept together she was for someone who had experienced something so horrific at a young age. I saw a lot of myself in her as well. She did confide me me about what had happened to her when I did ask but I guess I... I never really understood how much she was hurting. I never understand her bravado was her asking for help. I saw the parallels with myself but I never thought about what it was I wanted at that age.

Instead people just treated her as a kid with a bit of an attitude problem and I never even tried to look beyond it. Everyone blamed her for the way she was but none of us made the effort to break through to her. No one even tried to hug the poor child. I wish I could go back and do that.

I remember when we were in the hot springs together, she said something about me knowing all about her past and I said I did. I told her to just leave it in the past. I should have hugged her, I should have held her and told her that she could talk to me at any time. Instead I let her down, just like everyone else in her life. It’s no wonder she left us to go home.

I look at her now though and I wonder if maybe that was for the best. Maybe that little bit of independence helped her to find herself and become a better person. I wonder what it was she needed back then, maybe it wasn’t a mother figure but something more of a mentor or a big sister.

I was really quick to have her move in with me back then, I suppose I was immature and hoping her and Shinji would get along and be a cute couple. I should have maybe pushed for her to live next door or even for Ritsuko to take her in. Maybe that seems strange but I think the two of them might have been good for one another. Both were incredibly smart and gifted people, Ritsuko could be a bit detached but she would have pushed Asuka in the right direction and given praise when needed.

Plus... maybe something like that would have let Ritsuko see she was valuable outside of what Gendo needed her to be.

Asuka does at least seem happy now. Her and Kaworu seem happy together as well, it is an interesting couple. I was so certain that she and Shinji would be together but I’m no expert in love. If they make each other happy then that is all that matters I suppose.

I don’t really know too much about Kaworu, his history was erased so we don’t have records of him pre-his awakening at the start of the year. I’m not especially comfortable with him being her but I expect many weren’t comfortable with me taking in Shinji, Asuka and Rei. If I could be given a chance then so should he.

It must be tough for Shinji though, to see the two of them together. I know how he feels for Asuka and I have an inkling he has similar feelings for Kaworu. I can’t imagine that... to see the two people you love together like that. The poor kid... he’ll pull through though. Shinji is strong, much stronger than he thinks he is and I am really proud of him.

**Asuka Langley Soryu**

My life has changed so much in the last year. I never thought all those months ago, that when I met that strange silver haired guy for the first time that things would have worked out like they did. I can still remember the night I met him for the first time, looking back on it, it’s sort of funny. I had bumped into him outside of a store, he had dropped some stuff and it was Rei that told me about him. In fact, Rei didn’t just tell me about him, she warned me about him.

Of course, I’m Asuka Langley Soryu and I have issues with taking peoples advice. So naturally I went to return his stuff and find out for myself. I pretty much forced my way into his apartment and I can’t explain it, there was just some sort of connection. I saw the way he feared other people and saw myself. I saw how he lived and saw someone I... wanted to help. I guess I also saw an opportunity for a friend, I was lonely and needed a friend.

I invited him out to a concert that night, a Genesis tribute act. I didn’t really put much thought into what it meant or could mean. To some it might have looked like a date, looking back I guess it was our first date but I never thought of that at the time. I wasn’t interested in dating anyone and I didn’t think it was a good idea for anyone to date me anyway. It wasn’t like I had a good track record with romance.

The typical date stuff followed though, instead of parting ways after the concert I invited him back to mine. I didn’t expect anything to happen, I never wanted anything to happen and neither of us made any moves. We had a few drinks though and he ended up sleeping on my sofa. I still get a good laugh when I remember the following morning, seeing how flustered he got scrambling for his clothes and thinking he had work.

We got to know each other after that, spent more time together. I helped him when he was attacked, looked after him and he cooked me a meal. We played games, went out together and made love. We got back in contact with Shinji eventually and made plans to come to Japan.

Now... So many months later I’m sat next to him in a concert hall in Tokyo-2. We’re both applauding as the band and musicans leave the stage after the first half of the show. We’re both keeping our eyes on one figure in particular, the man we both love, Shinji Ikari.

Shinji Ikari... Weak... Pathetic... The Favorite... The Daddys Boy... Spineless little Shinji... All things I’m guilty of calling him once upon a time. I cringe so much to think about me saying all of those things because I can hear those moments so vividly in my own head. I hate it because I know just how untrue it was and is and I know how much I must have hurt him by saying those things to him.

He is so far from those things, especially right now. He has been on that stage, playing the cello as part of this concert for thousands of people watching. He is... incredible. He is the furthest thing from weak, he is the furthest thing from cowardly or spineless... and I know he is not the daddy's boy I accused him of being when I didn’t know any better.

He is incredible and I can’t help but love him.

Next to me is another man I love and means so much to me. I turn to look at him, just as he does the same, he leans in and whispers to me, “I love you Asuka.”

“I love you too.” I reply and kiss him lightly on his lips. I pull away and feel my cheeks begin to glow red as I see Misato grinning at me. I put my hands on my hips, “What? Never seen a girl kiss her boyfriend before?”

As I sit back down those works stick in my head, my boyfriend, and I have to wonder how much longer that will be true? I have to question it because I can’t do anything but do that. Ever since we arrived in Japan, ever since I nearly kissed Shinji, those questions and that insecurity has been eating away at me.

If something like that can happen between Shinji and myself then why couldn’t it happen between Kaworu and Shinji as well?

When will Kaworu realize Shinji is a better person than I am?

When will I be left behind and do I only have myself to blame when I am left behind?

Being here... seeing these people again, it’s something I like and something I wanted but I’m scared I’ll be abandoned again. I’m scared that the things I’ve dreamed about, those moments where I see Shinji and Kaworu walking away from me and I’m left behind will come to fruition. I’m scared that they will both see the truth about who I am.

I picture the scene so vividly, they are talking to one another. They’re getting closer and suddenly one of them reaches up with their hand. They run their hand through the others hair and cup their cheek softly. They look into one another's eyes and then they kiss. They forget about the world around them and when they come to, they realize the truth.

I hate picturing it and I hate the anger that is brought with it. I hate myself for entertaining the idea for even a second because I know damn well it isn’t going to happen. No matter how much I imagine or dream it it isn’t going to happen because Shinji and Kaworu aren’t those sorts of people. Kaworu won’t betray me like that and Shinji wouldn’t dare try to steal my boyfriend.

It’s all my own pathetic insecurities mixed in with my irritating guilt complex that is leading to this.

This thing is cut and dry, me and Kaworu are together and we love one another. We may both harbour feelings for Shinji but that is all they are, feelings and all we can do is support him as a friend. Our life has to go on.

**Kaworu Nagisa**

For the last hour my attention has been completely transfixed on by the musicians on that stage. These many talented musicians have transported me to other worlds, made me run the gamut of emotion, provided an experience beyond compare. I have felt shivers run down my spine, my eyes have watered, the hairs on my arms have stood on edge as these performed have delivered us their takes on this music that I have come to love.

If there is such a thing as a heaven, then I am certain that this must be what it is like. To me, such a thing is the ability to sit and view and appreciate moments such as this in the company of loved ones. To be together, like we all are in this one place to experience this one thing, that must be the closest thing.

My only hope is that the interval passes quickly so they can perform the second half of their show.

What of the musicians? My experience at going to live concerts is limited, but I have watched a great many with Asuka. The musicians are supremely talented. On the left of the stage is the main band, comprising a keyboard player, a bassist, two guitarists, drummer and a singer. They are a powerful force, I in particular find the singer to be quite captivating, she sings with a power and emotion rarely seen. It is also interesting to hear a women's vocals on what are typically male orientated tracks.

On the opposite side of the stage, the section which I find my attention drifting to the most, is the string section. Made up of twelve people in total, with Shinji in the middle row, on the side closest to the bassist.

It has been difficult for me to not pay attention to him throughout the entire concert. After all, looking at Shinji on that stage is like one of the most beautiful things I have ever laid my eyes open. I would not wish to do a disservice to the other performers on stage though, so I have tried to give them all equal attention. They have all worked hard in their own ways, they are all uniquely talented and worthy of attention.

This Shinji I see on stage though, I feel that perhaps this is the closest I have seen to the real Shinji. He is there, baring his soul for all to see. These songs he performs may not be his own but when I watch him, when I see the look of concentration, the way his fingers move on the neck and the way his hands slide up and down gracefully I can see how he injects his own personality into this music. I can see the way the music flows through him, I can see how he feels it, every peak and trough, every chord, every time signature change. He is at one with the music.

Myself and Asuka, we long to be one with him as well. We both love him and this night is only serving to confirm that. It also confirms to me that I must act as soon as possible. I cannot let the opportunity for the three of us to be together slip away. I know what I have to do, and how I am going to do it.

I turn to look at Asuka once more, I have noticed over the course of the show her eyes have rarely left Shinji. A few days ago, that might have filled me with the familiar fear and anxiety but not tonight. I know the feelings we all share for one another and I know there is nothing to fear. I know that we can all be together it is just waiting for the right moment.

After the show... our lives will change. Of that I am certain.

**Shinji Ikari**

She finishes singing the final note of the song, holding the note for longer than we expected to and then she and all the instruments fall silent on stage. The silence lasts for not even a second but in my mind that second feels like forever. I look up towards the sea of people in front of us all, this faceless crowd of people I don’t know and then I look towards the ones I do.

One by one, or perhaps in groups, the audience begins to stand up and applaud. I feel myself grin stupid as it hits me, we... managed to do it. We were actually able to do it, this group of people around me, this group who barely knew each other a few months ago have managed to perform a full concert. Week by week, session by session, we learned all of these songs. Chord by chord and note by note, we pieced it all together, we rehearsed it all and were able to do this.

We all helped each other out, when we saw one person was struggling, we worked with them. We all gave each other encouragement, we all wanted to do this and be the best we could be.

I... a person who was terrified of meeting people, have just performed in front of around two thousand people. I was so sure people would recognize me, would hate me because of what I nearly did many years ago but... Misato and Rei were right. I had nothing to fear.

All the ones I love were here as well to watch it. Touji, Hikari and Kensuke, my first real friends... ever really. Misato, the guardian who became my mother. Rei... my sister and of course Asuka and Kaworu, the friends that I love. Without any of their support I would not have been able to do this.

I need to make sure I thank them all properly after the concert. I wish I could do it now but all I can do is stand here and take in the applause as a voice on the venue PA begins to go through the names of all of us on stage. First, they go through the singer and the backing band, then they introduce all of us in the string section. I feel a strange chill down my spine as my name is read out and I am fairly sure I hear Touji yell something.

Finally, the announcer calls out the name fo the director of our group. He makes his way to the stage through the centre of the two groups and takes a bow before motioning for us all to join him at the front of the stage. We all leave our positions and move carefully to the front and bow with him as the crowd continue to applaud. Once again, I am sure I can hear Touji yelling something, in fact I’m sure I can hear Rei as well!

A few moments later we are given the signal for us to leave the stage. As I leave, I give one more look towards them all before quietly following the person in front of me and going towards the backstage area.

That realization is still flying around my head, ‘We did it’ and... I want to do this again. I loved doing this, I loved performing for this crowd, I loved being able to get lost in the music. I loved... just playing. This is what I want to do now, this is what I want so much, more than anything. I want to play more, I want to compose, I want to record.

I have to let the director know my decision, that I will be joining them for the recordings, that I want to continue but then... I need to tell the rest of them. I need to tell the ones I love, starting with Asuka and Kaworu.

**Asuka Langley Soryu**

I was so certain of what I was going to do, I was so sure I could fight through it but now my mind has been made up of what I should do. It is what I have to do.

I first started to have this idea a few days ago, it was just after me and Shinji nearly kissed and before I spoke to Rei. I went around and round with it but I tried to cast it aside. I figured that me and Kaworu are together and we should be, but right now I have to take a different path. It’ll be painful but it’s the right thing to do.

That isn’t to say it hasn’t been good and I wish things could be different. I loved each and every moment of the concert tonight. I also thought Bat Out Of Hell as an encore song was a very inspired choice. It’s a song that I actually feel like I identify with. In the song the protagonist describes the world they live in as being broken and run down. They talk to the one they love and tell them they’re the only pure thing in the whole wide world.

Only the protagonist can’t stay, they have to leave that city and forge a new life. They tell the love interesting they’re going to leave and so they do, riding away on their motorbike. They travel too fast and don’t see a curve in the road, they fly off the road and end up crashing into a pit where they lay dying. All they can do is watch as their heart leaves their body and flies away.

Another parallel with me I suppose, when I fought those bastard Evangelions I never saw that goddamn lance coming, and I ended up dying alone. All I could do was watch before I was torn to shreds.

In some way that character is me. I’m the one seeing the world as broken, or I am broken and Kaworu and Shinji are the pure people that I love. I’m the one who has to leave though, I have to get away. Why? Because all I’ll do is cause them pain. I know leaving will hurt them, and I know it’ll hurt me too. My heart already hurts so much just thinking about it but I have to do it. I’m not the right person for Kaworu, Shinji is and I’m not the right person for Shinji. Kaworu is.

I’m sure in time they’ll both understand. What I’ll do is return to Germany tonight, get a flight back and send them both a message. I’ll tell Shinji to make sure he takes care of Kaworu and I’ll tell Kaworu I love him and I hope he understands. I’ll say to them both I understand if neither of them wants to see me ever again. I know I'll be miserable at first but that’s nothing a ton of ice cream and video game binging can’t solve.

Why am I doing this? Because I can see the two of them from here. They’re both talking to one another and laughing and smiling. They’re both so happy and I just don’t belong here. Maybe Kaworu is happy with me, I know I am with him. I love him so much and I don’t think he’ll ever understand what he means to me. The thing is, I know in time that’ll fade. I know he’ll come to realize what I am and what I was and he’ll leave me. It’s what I deserve and so... I’ll leave first.

Goodbye Kaworu. Goodbye Shinji. Good luck to you both. I love you both and so this is the best thing I can do for the two of you.


	27. Lovers' Leap

**Kaworu Nagisa**

“Come with me.”

I quickly move past Shinji, giving him no time at all to reply to my instruction hoping that he will just follow me out of the ballroom. As I walk towards the exit, I once again check the text message from Rei, just to make sure she did say what I thought and expected it to say. I glance over my shoulder and see Shinji is indeed following me, good, I need him for this.

We reach the doors leading out onto the street and almost immediately I see Rei waiting for me. Next to her is a car ready to take me and Shinji to the hotel. She spots me and smiles half-heartedly whilst shrugging her shoulders, “It is exactly as you said it would be Nagisa. Asuka left five minutes ago.”

I smile back at her, “Thank you for letting me know. I had a feeling this would happen.”

“W-What’s going on?” I hear Shinji ask from behind me. We both turn to face him and see a confused look on his face, “Did Asuka leave? Why? Is everything okay?”

I put my hand on his shoulder to try to calm him, “Everything is fine Shinji, but we need to back to the hotel.”

“Hotel?” He asks, again looking at both myself and Rei in confusion, “Do you want me to wait here whilst you bring her back?”

“No, you have to come with me. I fear that my effort alone will not be enough to bring her back.” I again turn to look at Rei, “Thank you for this, truly it does mean a lot.”

“I don’t understand.” Shinji says, “Why did she leave?”

“Asuka left because she is nothing more than an idiot who remains incapable of reading a situation and continues to act without thinking. Not dissimilar to a certain brother of mine.” Rei answers with a mild hint of irritation in her voice, “Go with Kaworu to the hotel and bring her back. You can tell her I called her an idiot as well.”

I laugh as I thank her once again and begin to make my way towards the car. Shinji seems to hesitate for a moment before Rei tells him to go. For a brief moment I feel bad for not fully explaining what is happening and why Asuka has left, but I feel it is something best left until the three of us are together. I sit myself down on one of the seats in the back of the car, Shinji getting in beside me and I instruct the driver to go to the hotel.

I can feel my heart pounding in my chest as the car pulls away. So far things are going how I expected them to go. I had a feeling Asuka would do something like this, the fear she has of being abandoned winning out over common sense. Her idea that she isn’t a good person winning out over the love I have for her and the love Shinji has for her. What this does is give me a chance to prove how I feel... how we all feel for one another and move us forward.

Yet, I have my doubts. I’ve gone over the moment in my head a few times, thought of key things to say and gestures to make. Questions to ask and answers to give but it could end up being that I am wrong. Perhaps Asuka and Shinji do not feel that way for one another. Perhaps Shinji does not feel that way for me. Perhaps... I would be unable to convince them.

No. This is not the time for that sort of doubt nor that sort of fear. I have to remain confident in my feelings and what is within my heart. If I want us all to be happy like we all can be then I can’t doubt myself. If I start to doubt then that is when it all falls apart.

“Kaworu... What is going on? How come Asuka left?” I hear Shinji ask me again, “Was it something I...”

“No.” I quickly cut him off before he can finish asking that question, “It was not something you did, nor was it something I did. Asuka left because... well I don’t wish to be as harsh as your sister but she left because she is seeing something where nothing needs to be seen and she is not seeing that which does need to be seen. There are some... things that need ironing out, that is why I need you with me.”

“I don’t... really understand.” He answers me but also nods, “But I will go to her with you. I don’t want her to be upset or hurt.”

“I know you don’t.” I smile as I reach out and place my hand on top of his, I feel him tense up and wonder if maybe I overstepped a boundary but he soon relaxes, “And neither do I. She is very precious to me Shinji, as are you. I would not wish for either of you to be hurt.”

It takes very little time for the car to reach the hotel, for the rest of the journey I feel myself enjoying the warmth and comfort of holding Shinji’s hand. Hopefully after tonight that can be a more regular occurrence. The car comes to a stop and we both get out; I thank the driver before moving quickly into the hotel. My chest feels tighter as we step into the lobby, the realization is dawning on me, this is the moment everything will change.

If I mess this up then... what happens to us afterwards? We’ve all be quiet about our feelings for one another up until now. We’ve all surely been aware of it but let them remain under the surface. When I put it out into the open then it creates either an opportunity or an awkward situation.

It’s an opportunity we can all seize and make work. We can all admit those feelings, and realize they’re valid. We can all realize there is a path forward where the three of us can be happy together. Or... we can let it pass us by. We can do nothing and then the situation becomes awkward. By doing this I could destroy the fragile relationships we’ve built.

Humans like tradition, they like to remain within their comfort zone and for many people, change is something to fear, not embrace. I understand this all too well. Change is frightening and can lead to pain. It can lead to being hurt be it physically or emotionally. Sometimes it feels like it is better to do nothing than to risk doing anything. I felt this when I met Asuka, the change in our relationship going from friendship to being in love. It terrified me because I knew there was no going back should things go wrong.

Asuka and Shinji... they both fear change. They both fear what will happen to them when they move out of their comfort zone. They have both been hurt so much in their lives... I am ashamed to admit that I have been a part of hurting them as well with what I used to be. I am however convinced that they aren’t the sort who wouldn’t be open minded in this situation, that they would both embrace love.

Yet... I have observed the fickle nature of humanity. I was told time and time again by my former masters how humans could be. I know a lot of that was dressed up to fit their narrative and secure my co-operation but there were elements fo truth within. I know what this race can be like. I know humanity can be wonderful, loving and caring but I know it can be dark, harsh and cruel. I also know that acceptance has its limits for some.

“Kaworu I...” Shinji starts to speak as soon as we enter the elevator. He was mostly quiet for the journey here but I know he has been deep in thought the entire time. Knowing what I do, I expect him to be finding some way to place the blame on himself for Asuka’s actions, “Is this... my fault?”

I shake my head, “No Shinji, it is not your fault. You should not blame yourself for this. Asuka’s actions are her own, not any fault of mine nor any fault of yours.”

“But...”

“No buts Shinji.” I quickly cut him off, “You need to cast those thoughts aside, you are blameless tonight. Instead we should focus on supporting Asuka.”

The elevator reaches the floor with mine and Asuka’s room just as I finish speaking. I quickly step out as soon as the door opens and begin to move down the corridor towards the room. My heart is about ready to burst through my chest as we reach the room and I slide the card into the socket. My hand rests on the handle as I realize this is the moment it all changes, this is the moment we’ve been waiting for.

**Rei Ayanami**

I try to shake off the little feelings of annoyance within me as I watch the car pull away with Shinji and Kaworu in it. Strangely I’m not too annoyed at what Asuka has done, it’s more the fact that I was wrong about it. When Kaworu came to me and told me that he expected something like this to happen I was... certain it would not. I was wrong... and I am annoyed that I was wrong.

Pride... it is another human thing that I seem to have inherited over the last few years. Tonight, my pride is somewhat wounded, I was convinced that Asuka would not do such a thing, that perhaps she had changed enough to not repeat a mistake from long ago. It turns out that my friend is both predictable and an idiot. I should really have expected it.

Kaworu saw it coming though, perhaps I should give him more credit than I have done. I was surprised when he came to me earlier today and told me about his expectations for tonight. For someone so... so... Kaworu, I was not expecting him to be as perceptive as he was. It turns out he is full of surprises and the more he surprises me, the more certain I am that the three of them can and will be happy.

“I saw Kaworu and Shinji leaving, is everything okay?”

I turn around to see Kodama standing at the entrance. I quickly move up and wrap my arms around her, greeting her with a kiss. I nod as I look down the road in the direction of the car, “It is fine. Asuka... tried to run away, they are both going after her.”

Kodama’s smile turns to a concerned frown, she steps out onto the street, “She tried to run? What happened? Should we do anything?”

“No, I think those two will be fine.” I quickly answer to reassure her, “Nothing actually happened. It is just Asuka being... Asuka. I think tonight was... a lot for her to take in and drew out a lot of her anxieties again.”

Kodama gives me a nod. She already knows the story about Asuka leaving in the past and should have a good idea of just what Asuka can be like. The look of concern does not leave her face though, “What about Kaworu, how is he taking it?”

“Kaworu expected it to happen.” Kodama actually looks surprised, I suppose she, much like me, did not expect him to be quite as perceptive as he was, “I was surprised too, but he came to speak to me earlier today. He thoguht she might try to run, so he had me keep an eye on her. He’s taken Shinji to speak to her now.”

“So is he going to...” Kodama starts to grin, “Well... you know... will the three of them...”

“I hope so.” I answer, “Asuka seems to believe Kaworu and Shinji have a stronger bond and that she would only end up hurting Kaworu int he long run because of who she is. Kaworu can... hopefully make her see otherwise. I just hope they don’t.... fuck this up.”

**Kaworu Nagisa**

I open the door to our room and my mind begins to go over the parallels with this moment and the events of five years ago. I didn’t quite understand what I was feeling at the time but I was so very nervous then as well. I knew that as I opened the door to that chamber everything, for better or worse, was going to change. Perhaps my heart didn’t quite pound like it is now and my hands weren’t as sweaty as they are now but those overwhelming feelings of unease and uncertainty are definitely akin to what I’m feeling now.

_Am I doing the right thing?_

Us humans... We move in patterns and cycles. The situations and scenarios ahead of us may change but our approach tends to be similar. We play things out in a similar fashion and repeat patterns from before, despite perhaps knowing it may not be the best approach. There does always come a time when we have to break that cycle. For better or worse we need to break the cycles which will of course lead to entering a new one.

Asuka... In a way she is coming full circle tonight. Right now, she is in the process of repeating an action she took many years ago. Running away because of her own fear of abandonment. Escaping because she feels she is unworthy of my love and frightened that she will only hurt others. Together, me and Shinji can stop her from doing this and break this cycle.

Me opening this door, this is an action I took many years ago. I opened a doorway into uncertainty so many years ago and did not know what the consequences would be. I’m doing that now, I know what I want to happen but those little feelings of doubt are creeping in. I know it isn’t quite the same, this isn’t going to end the world but... it is the end of something and the dawn of something else.

Shinji... I wonder if tonight has perhaps led to him breaking one of his own cycles. He told me that he had some important news for both myself and Asuka. Perhaps that is the breaking of a cycle for him, perhaps that is him moving beyond a pattern he is repeating.

I can see straight into the bedroom as I enter the corridor. Just as I expected, Asuka is stood there and is hastily stuffing her things into one of our cases. I quickly move into the room with Shinji close behind me. Asuka spots me straight away and her body stiffens, her eyes dart from me to Shinji and then back to me, widening with fear as she tightens her grip on the garments in her hand. I would laugh at the situation, eying the bunches of underwear she now drops to the ground but this is serious.

I wonder if the two of them can hear my heart pounding rapidly in my chest or the sound of me swallowing as I try to figure out what to say. I had this all mapped out moments ago but now... it’s gone.

“Go away.” She hisses angrily at the pair of us.”

“No.” I state as firmly as I can, standing my ground and hoping that Shinji is still behind me, “You’re not leaving Asuka.”

“I will do what I want to do.” She snaps back, slamming the case lid down, “Now both of you, go away.”

“No.” I repeat as I take another step towards the bed, she shoots me a glare that stops me in my tracks and I suddenly realize something. I don’t know what to do if she does try to leave. I can’t exactly grab hold of her and restrain her nor would I expect Shinji to do the same. I cannot force her to do something here, so I have to say the right things and... I have to say it quickly, “I know why you’re leaving Asuka and... You don’t have to leave... Please, don’t hurt yourself like this.”

“You know why I’m leaving?” Hah, well isn’t Angel-boy perceptive all of a sudden?” She tries to add some venom to her voice this time but I can hear the lack of meaning underneath it. I ignore the weak attempt to insult me, “Well then you should know that I’m doing this for you! I’m doing this so that you can be happy! Both of you you’re... better off without me.”

“Asuka you know that isn’t true!” I answer her back, “I love you... You leaving wouldn’t make me happy.”

“I... don’t want you to leave either Asuka.” I hear Shinji speaking from behind me. Hearing his voices surprises me but also fills me full of relief, I am so thankful that he has found his voice, “You... shouldn’t leave... I know what you’re going through... I...”

“You have no idea what I’m going through Shinji! You-”

“Yes! I do!” Shinji interrupts her raising his voice, which catches both me and her off guard, I remain silent as I listen to him continue, “You’re scared of hurting us because you’ve hurt people in the past! You’re scared of letting yourself be loved because you think people will just betray you or abandon you! You think you should be left all alone because you’re worthless! You’re the same as me Asuka! You know this and you know fine well none of it is true!”

I remain silent as I look at the look of recognition on her face and then back to the emotion on Shinji’s face.

“I want to run away from everything as well Asuka... I was terrified of what would happen when I saw the two of you step off that plane. I was terrified of what would happen when I spoke to you again. I was terrified of tonight because I thought one person in that audience would know the truth about who I was and what I had done. I’m always scared of myself, of people I don’t know and the people I do know. I’m frightened all the time and I hate it.”

“Shinji, you ha-”

“I hate it all just like you probably do! It’s tiring, sometimes I’m exhausted in the middle of the day just because of it all! I hate feeling it so much and want to change it but running away isn’t the answer and our past doesn’t dictate who we are now and who we will be. Deep down I know... I deserve friends and I deserve to be loved!”

I had no idea all of this was within Shinji’s heart, nor did I think he was capable of expressing it like this. His words are... inspirational and I suppress smiling at hearing the passion within him. Shinji is a truly wonderful man, amazing. I look towards Asuka and see her trying to form some sort of response to what he has said. I take this as my time to jump in.

“Asuka I... I know you’re scared of hurting me in the future and I know you’re scared of me hurting you in some way. I understand that because I’m frightened of those things too, I don’t want to be abandoned and alone but I know it’s just fear speaking and not reality.” I take a deep breath, “We’re all scared of the same thing Asuka, we’re all thinking and feeling the same things but... don’t you two see. None of us have to be left behind, there is a bond between us all... a chance that we can... we can seize.”

The two of them remain silent as I say those words, pretty much as I expected them to. I can see them both thinking about it but neither of them wanting to ask me what I meant. Instead they just exchange glances.

“Shinji... Can I ask you something, please... be honest with me. Do you love Asuka?” Shinji looks at Asuka and I see the spark between them as their eyes meet. He turns to me again and I simply nod my head, “Don’t worry about hurting me Shinji, be honest.”

“Yes, I do.” He answers me immediately.

I nod again and feel some relief at his admission, “Asuka... I ask you the same thing. Do you love Shinji? Again... be honest.”

“Hah, love Shinji? You must be-” I narrow my eyes at her as she begins her bravado led tired, she instantly stops at the sight of the glare I give her and the look of hurt on Shinji’s face, “Okay I... yes but-”

“Say nothing else!” I quickly stop her, “You do love me as well though, don’t you?”

She nods her head, “Yes, I do.”

I now look at Shinji again, “Shinji... How do you feel about me? Again, please be honest. I know that there are circumstances that might make it awkward but... be honest.”

“I love you.” He answers almost instantly, surprisingly so. I didn’t quite expect him to be so honest and upfront.

“Okay and... I love both of you as well.” I add, So... don’t the two of you see? We can... all be together, the three of us. If we all love each other then... shouldn’t we allow that to happen? Allow ourselves to be together?”

“You mean... all three of us in the same relationship?” Asuka looks at me, with some disbelief on her face.

“Yes.” I nod, “Exactly that!”

“But that... isn’t normal Kaworu!” She offers somewhat weakly.

“Asuka... I’m technically a clone of an entity that was sent to this planet millions upon millions of years ago by some ancestral race by a race of beings that doesn’t exist anymore. I was raised in isolation by the leader of a cult whose aim was to reduce humanity to nothing and force their own evolution because of some misguided belief that this wonderful species had reached its peak. What ‘normal’ might be, I have never known it nor have I ever needed it.” I answer her with a simple shrug, “I am in love with the two of you, and that feeling is amazing. I don’t care if it isn’t ‘normal’, to hell with normal, if we are happy then... who cares?”

Her eyes lower to the ground and then over to Shinji, “What about you... what do you think?”

“I... Asuka is right Kaworu... it isn’t normal.” Shinji answers her, “But you’re right too... You’ve never known normal and neither have we. Those things that happened to us, the things we had to face... it wasn’t normal but it all happened. This might not be normal but I’d... much rather be happen then not.”

Once again, our eyes go towards Asuka and await her response. She has one hand on the suitcase and another down by her side. I watch as she continuously clenches it into a fist and unclenches it a number of times before nodding, “I need... this is a lot to take in... the two fo you? I... I mean I’d just have two people to hurt! You both know... Shinji, you know better than anything what I’m like... I...”

“Asuka! That was five years ago!” Shinji cuts her off with his voice raised again, “Stop being such an idiot about it! You’re not that girl anymore and that was... that was never really who you were. You're a kind person... You’re compassionate and you push us to be better. I know who the real you is and it isn’t who you keep saying it is!”

“Kaworu...”

I shake my head, “Shinji is right. Remember how the night you met me? Remember how you were when I got attacked? Remember what you told me about the children's wards, the donations and signed copies for free? That’s the Asuka I know and there is no trace of this person you keep talking about. There never has been and I don’t think that person exists.”

Silence falls again as we await her response, I continue to take deep breaths, my heart still pounding but my thoughts clearer. I look towards Asuka and see the emotion in her eyes, I see the faint form of tears in the corners and her rapid blinking as she tries to force them away. I was right, this is the moment, just a little bit more.

**Asuka Langley Soryu**

_Yes!_

_Yes!_

_Oh god yes!_

_Say yes you goddamn idiot! You know how you feel about the two of them so just agree to it! Say yes! Don’t fuck this up! Don’t let this slip away!_

Any words I could possibly say are stuck in my throat as I try to blink away the tears forming in my eyes at hearing what the two of them have to say about me. I... believe it but I don’t believe it, I can’t believe it because I have this horrible mental blockage that prevents it but I know... I know somewhere that it’s true. They wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t.

Still, that other voice persists. Telling me that it’s only temporary, that their positive feelings towards me won’t last and in time it’ll fall apart. That eventually, I’ll just reveal myself to be what I think I am, this horrible bitch that fucks everything up. Shinji, you were so goddamn right, this bullshit is exhausting, I'm so sick and tired of being tired.

This thing Kaworu has said, the three of us being together in a relationship, it sounds perfect. It sounds like a dream scenario and I am wondering if maybe I did fall asleep and this is a dream. I quickly clench my hand into a fist, digging my nails into the palm to elicit some pain. No... this isn’t a dream. This is reality so then... it must be some sort of joke.

I look around the room for the cables leading to the hidden cameras. I listen out for the shuffling by the door where the presenter of some tacky show waits, ready to burst in. I stem those thoughts, what sort of prank would that be?

This is reality, those two men in front of me are deadly serious about this and I’m the one they’re waiting on. Is this really what I want? Yes, it really is but fear is holding me back. The same fears that made me leave Japan, the same fears that made me stay away for five years, the same fears that threatened to not let me fall in love with Kaworu.

New fears enter the fray, will they just realize they’re better off without me anyway and abandon me some time down the line? Will I take them for granted and revert into being some sort of monster? What if two of us argues? How will that be handled? Will we live together? I have doubts and questions and I need answers.

Shinji or Kaworu haven’t moved in all the time I’ve been thinking about this. Shinji awkwardly shuffles from one foot to the other. Kaworu on the other hand keeps his eyes on me, awaiting my response. Shinji has already given his response it seems; he is all for it. It’s uncharacteristically decisive of him but then... the adrenaline from the performance is probably coursing through him still.

My mind flashes back to the near kiss from just the other night. If I say yes then I could have that... I could have that and so much more. I could have Shinji and Kaworu together, we could all kiss and make love and be together. There would be no guilt and no shame... So why am I still hesitating?

“I...” I start to try to say something, desperate to end the awkward silence in the room but I’m not really sure what I could say. I look Kaworu in the eye and then turn to Shinji, before looking at Kaworu again, “...Are the two of you... really... serious about this?”

Kaworu nods firmly, “Yes... I am.”

I turn towards Shinji and he also nods, “I... Yes, I would like it as well.”

I let out a sigh, I want to say yes but now my mind has turned to other details. I look at Kaworu again, “And you have... thought about this, how it would work... I mean?”

“A little bit.” He admits, “Granted I have not quite worked out everything, I felt it would be unfair to plan too much should you both decide to not go ahead and even if you did, I would rather have your input on how to proceed. After all if we are to be in a relationship we should all have a say, should we not?”

It makes me feel slightly better that Kaworu has at least thought about options and didn’t just expect us to say yes. He must have considered that things would not be so simple with Shinji living in Japan and both myself and Kaworu being in Germany.

“Good.” I answer him, “So you know... the distance would be an issue. Both of you know this right?”

Kaworu nods and Shinji looks at me, “I... forgot...”

“Idiot.” I let out a laugh, “Just like you... jumping into a situation without thinking about it. It’s a good thing you would have people like me to think about it for you.”

“So, is it a yes?” Kaworu asks me, I feel my heart start to thump in my chest.

“We need to work things out first Kaworu I... can’t just say yes like that. We leave Japan in a few days remember, so what would we do? Bring Shinji back with us, you can’t quite do that can you?” I look towards Shinji, “And Kaworu... we can’t just come back here at will. There is a process, you know that. Plus, you... have a job.”

Kaworu nods, “I know, I had thought about that.”

“If we do this...” I begin, “We do it properly, I want the two of you properly and I want the two of you to have me completely.”

I suddenly trail off realizing what I have just said, I see Kaworu raise his eyebrow slightly, Shinji looks off into the corner.

“Perverts!” I snarl at them, “You both know what I meant! I just mean... I don’t want anyone left behind, it’s a proper relationship, not two people and their... part time lover.”

“I... understand.”  Kaworu nods again, “I would not be happy with that either, I know the situation is slightly more complicated than it seems. I want the same as well and I’m sure Shinji would want the same.”

Shinji looks at the two of us and also nods his head to confirm, “Yes, I want that as well.”

“Honestly I don’t quite know how we would sort it out yet.” Kaworu admits, “Like I said, I thought it would be unfair to assume what either of you would want to do. I had... considered a few things and now that I know both of your feelings I could... look into that. If you will both allow me a bit of time, I can do that, it might also be good for the two of you to talk about this.”

I nod back at him and watch as he moves out of the room, immediately I wonder just what he might have considered. Fact is, Kaworu has two jobs now, one of them as a piano teacher and the other working for Fuyutsuki. I know him, he can’t just go back on either of those now, so that means Shinji will have to come to Germany.

**Shinji Ikari**

“So, what do you think Shinji?” Asuka looks at me after Kaworu leaves the room, “Any suggestions?”

I shake my head as I feel my heart pounding in my chest. Kaworu’s words and admission... Asuka’s admission... both are things I never expected to happen. What Kaworu has suggested is not something I had thought of either. Maybe... a certain type of fantasy here and there but I didn’t think we could have a relationship. Yet, the more I think about it the more I want it and the surer I am that it is the right thing to do.

“S-Suggestions?” I ask.

“Yeah... For how to sort this out of course!” She answers, “You do want this, right?”

I nod, “Y-Yes... I do. I meant what I said I love you both and... I want to be with you both.”

Suggestions... I suppose for how we would work in this relationship. I guess I got carried away by the fantasy side of it, my mind fast forwarded to scenarios where I’m cooking dinner for the two of them, where they play me their favourite music and we sit on the sofa watching movies. I never thought about the reality of it, and that is that Kaworu and Asuka live in a country very far from here.

“Bit unfair though isn’t it... us being the couple in Germany and you being like an obedient pet, waiting for us to visit you or for you to come out and visit us?” She lets out a sigh and walks around to my side of the bed, “Can’t really expect you to just ditch everything here and move to Germany with us though, I mean for one... you don’t speak the language and for two, I can't imagine you leaving Rei and Misato behind.”

I try to think of a way to protest but Asuka is of course correct, I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving the two of them behind, nor my other friends. I rely so much on their support, moving away like that would be crippling for me.

Also... Oh god, I completely forgot! Even if I did want to, I can’t leave Japan for the next year anyway! The whole deal with the ensemble is going forward! I’m going to be needed for more rehearsals, more concerts and the recording. I haven’t told the two of them yet, I was going to later on but then all of this happened.

I have to tell her now, I take a deep breath, “Actually... it isn’t just that. Asuka I... can’t really leave Japan for the next year.”

“At all?” She raises an eyebrow at me, “Why not?”

“Well I... guess I could go on holiday but... not for long.” I start to explain, “Last week I was... well we all were spoken to by our conductor... he said he had been approached by others who were interested in what we did. They want us to do more shows, record an album and maybe even... television appearances. I already said I’d do it.”

“I see...” She folds her arms as she approaches me, she stops for a brief moment looking me in the eyes before suddenly pulling me into a hug, “Congratulations Shinji, you deserve it.”

I’m stunned by her reaction and stand frozen for a moment before putting my arms around her and hugging her back. She releases me from the hug a few seconds later as I look at her in surprise, “Y-You’re not mad?”

She shakes her head, “How could I be? That’s incredible new, I’m... really proud of you.”

“But... I’ve made things harder.” I answer, “If it wasn’t for that I could be joining you in Germany and we could... make this work. I mean... you don’t want to leave Germany, do you?”

I watch as she shrugs, “I... don’t know, being honest there is nothing really tying me to Germany. I’m an author, as long as I have an e-mail address and a word processor, I can do my job. I don’t really have any love for Germany so I guess I don’t really care if I have to move. Hell, the only reason I went back to Germany in the first place is because they wouldn’t let me go anywhere else, it was stay in Japan or go to Germany because my father is here.”

“So, you’d...”

“Come back to Japan?” She nods, “Yeah... in an instant, I have nothing really in Germany, there is a nice little café that does a good breakfast but you’re here... Rei is here, Hikari is here... what I know the most is here.”

“Kaworu can’t though, can he?”

“He works for Fuyutsuki’s office in Germany... He has a job teaching piano at a school in Germany...” Asuka explains, “I guess he can’t just drop them.”

“Well could you not just... go back and forth?” I suggest, instantly regretting what I realize is a stupid suggestion the moment it leaves my lips.

“What? You mean one month with you and one month with Kaworu?” She questions me, “Shinji, it’ll be a relationship not shift work! Besides... It’s a three-way relationship, so when would you and Kaworu get time together?”

“I... suppose...” I answer her letting out a sigh, “But... I do want this...”

“So do I.” She states, “We just have to be realistic I guess... it isn’t going to be easy. At least... not at first. I just don’t want us to jump into this thinking it’s going to be one thing and then when reality hits us we get... hurt. We’ve already been hurt too much... You... Kaworu and me. We’re not hurting each other anymore.”

As she says this, she reaches her hand up to my face and softly cups my cheek. I allow my head to move towards her hand, feeling its warm and softness as she gently caresses me. I feel the butterflies in my stomach start to flutter as we stand silent, looking into one another eyes. I slowly start to reach my own hand up to her cheek, resting it and gently stroking my fingers along her soft skin.

“Asuka... If I have to wait a few months to be with the two of you properly.” I begin to speak, “Or if I can only be with you both for a short time every so often then... I don’t mind.”

“Shinji... how could you be okay with that?”

“I’d waited five years to see you both again.” I answer, “I never thought I’d see you again, never mind Kaworu. I wouldn’t... like it but if that was the way we could all be together at least... for now then, I’ll do it.”

“You know that when me and Kaworu are away we will be...” Asuka begins to ask me a question but trails off, I see the blush rising to her cheeks and understand what she was going to ask me. I feel slight embarrassment myself as I answer.

“Yeah... I know.”

“And you would be... fine with that as well?”

I nod and start to answer, wanting to me honest with her, “I’d be... jealous and maybe feel a bit left out I guess but I know... It is what people do and... I guess we’d be able to do stuff when... we’re all together I mean... if you both wanted to! I don’t want to assume anything! I...”

“Shinji, it’s alright.” She lets out a sigh, “I guess... we have little choice, do we? It’s either that or nothing at all. When we can though... as soon as we can I want all three of us together. I don’t care if it’s Japan or Germany, I don’t care if it’s none of them but all three of us... living together. Got it?”

I nod again and smile, “Of course.”

I start to lean in towards her but she takes a step back, removing her hand from my cheek and also lifting my own hand off of hers. She shakes her head, “No... Not yet. I said before, we do this properly. Don’t get me wrong, I want to but if we’re going to do anything more... Kaworu too... okay?”

I nod, fully understanding and feeling some slight guilt at my actions, “Y-Yeah...”

“So... We talk to Kaworu and what, say yes? But then we all try to come up with some sort of system or rules? Arrange when we can all see each other?” She asks, “I guess it’s a lot to go through at... this time of night. We could just... go tell him and... come back up here to bed... sort it out in the morning?”

Again, I nod slowly, my mouth going dry at hearing her words and the implications. When she said... come back up to bed she meant... all three of us... all three... sharing the same... I swallow as I feel certain parts of my body start to react to the thought and I very quickly try to think about anything else to stem it. Now is definitely not the time, I look and see Asuka grinning at me, “You like the sound of that, yes?”

I nod a third time as she steps towards me and cups my cheek again, “So do I... So, let's go and get Kaworu and give him the good news.”

**Kaworu Nagisa**

“Let’s do it.”

It takes a moment for Asuka’s words to actually register themselves in my head. I had been sat in the bar of this hotel for twenty minutes now, trying desperately to find something to distract my mind. All I could do was go over the same scenarios over and over in my head, all the ones in which my offer to the two of them is rejected but none of them ending positively for me.

It started as soon as I left the hotel room, I thought I heard movement, my brain registered that was Shinji and Asuka making a move on one another. Their love for each other confirmed and now they could move forward without me. Throughout the twenty minutes my mind would return to that, the image of the two of them kissing, making love and then coming down here to tell me that it was a nice offer but they’d rather do things without me.

It was a stupid thought I know. The two of them are not like that, they would not betray me like that and neither of them could live with the guilt. Still, stupid thoughts are often the most pervasive.

Another scenario, and perhaps more likely, the two of them argue about it. They allow their old fears to resurface and push one another away. This goes on for twenty minutes until they both realize such a suggestion could never work. We all end up going out separate ways after that, my actions having fractured a friendship and a relationship.

Asuka’s questions have also got me thinking about the relationship long term as well. I had given some brief thought as to how things might work. I had thought about how we could arrange a schedule to visit each other whilst we could not move to Japan or Shinji to Germany but admittedly, I did not think too much about the toll it would take on them nor whether or not they would be happy with that arrangement. I admit, I was somewhat selfish in my thoughts but then I also believe that love is powerful and the love we share could help us overcome that difficulty.

I appreciate my situation does complicate matters somewhat. I only just realized that not only does my role with Fuyutsuki hold me back but the scrutiny of the UN on my person also hinders things. The issue with Fuyutsuki is easily solved, he has told me of his plans to retire soon, I did not tell the two of them this year. I suppose I wanted to see if we could agree to do this without that knowledge.

As far as my piano teaching goes, I will surely miss my students but with the technology on offer it isn’t as if I cannot stay in contact with them and I could easily teach piano if I moved to Japan. That is indeed, if we moved to Japan. I am making an assumption that Asuka would wish to make that move. In which case Shinji would move to Germany, a move I am not so sure he would make. He has stronger ties to this place, he has family he loves and friends. It is a complicated issue.

All of these things have helped to sew more seeds of doubt in my mind. I was strong... I truly was whilst putting the idea forward because I believe it is the best thing for the three of us. I know we all love on another and I believe we should all embrace that fact and let it happen. Reality is not always so kind though, and that is why when I saw Asuka and Shinji enter the room I was so very nervous.

Until she said those words. They took a moment to register but then I felt it in my heart, my body and my soul. Elation, pure joy and elation.

“Y-You mean...”

“The three of us... a relationship.” Asuka answers me, “Yes, we spoke about it and we agreed it wouldn’t be easy. There are a lot of things to work out but... yes. Let’s go for it, we’ve faced the impossible before and won, compared to that this’ll be... easy, right?”

I turn to Shinji, “You are... okay with this?”

“Yes.” Shinji smiles and nods, “I... want this Kaworu,”

“You two... I... I don’t know what to say. I-”

Asuka quickly places a finger on my lips, “Say nothing else. It’s been a long night and there is a lot to work out but we can work it out tomorrow. It’s late and... I think we’re all pretty tired, right?”

I nod as she withdraws her finger from my lips, “Yes... I am.”

“Good.” She says as she leans in and kisses me on the lips, “Then I think we should return to our rooms.”

I get to my feet and watch as she takes a step back and also kisses Shinji on the lips turning and grinning at me, “You have no objections to Shinji coming as well, do you?”

“None at all.” I shake my head, as I step forward and look him in his eyes before kissing him softly on the lips too. I reach out with a hand taking hold of one of his hands, with my other hand I take hold of one of Asukas. I look between the two of them and see them take hold of one another's spare hands.

“Thank you... truly... I love you both.”


	28. Braver

**Asuka Langley Soryu**

I finish tying the lace on the boot, lift it and wriggle my foot around a little bit in an attempt to get used to how tight the boot is and the weight of it. I look up from the bench I’m on, and up over the barrier at the people skating, the sudden drop in my stomach tells me what a stupid idea this truly was. In fact, not only was agreeing to this a stupid idea but I’ve managed to once again open my big mouth and set myself up for humiliation!

_‘Oh yes Shinji, of course I’ve done this before! It’s so easy!’_

_‘Why yes Kaworu! I’ll show you both how it’s done, you’ll both get to see how amazing I am!’_

Why do I do this? Why did I have to open my mouth without thinking first? Why am I like this? Now, I actually have to go out on that ice rink and pretend I know what the hell I’m doing! I’m completely at a loss as to how I’m going to do that. It’s not like I can bluff suddenly being good at ice skating. I can’t just go on there and start doing spins and jumps like some of these people! If anything, just attempting that is a sure-fire way to break several bones in my body and end up looking like a tit in front of those two!

Gott! I have such a big mouth! Why? Why? Why? Why? It’s not like I need to impress the two of them! We’re all dating! We’ve all slept together for god sakes! They love me as I am! I don’t need to do anything to impress them, least of all kill myself wearing this monstrous footwear with blades that can slide through a limb on them whilst moving on a surface people aren’t made to be walking on!

Well, I have both boots on now and I can’t back out. I place both my feet on the ground and push myself up off of the bench. I take a step forward, walking in these... it’s not so bad, I’m a little bit wobbly but it’s okay. I see Kaworu ahead of me, he’s standing by the entrance to the rink, looking very unsure of himself as he struggles to keep his balance. I put on my best, and most confident, smile and walk towards him. A smile that I feel fading slightly as the fear of falling over sets in.

Honestly, I could hate Kaworu for suggesting this as a thing to do on our last day. Damn guy saw other couples doing it the other day and thought it’d be ‘oh, so romantic’, what’s romantic about breaking your ankle? What’s romantic about bleeding out on a patch of ice? Am I being over the top? Maybe, but after the life I’ve had what's wrong with sitting in a nice café on a hilltop having a cup of hot chocolate?

If my younger self could only hear me now!

My mind turns to Shinji, he’s not escaping my ire either. Shinji... He went along with it immediately. He jumped at the chance! He was so eager to do it but I don’t see him now, do I? Probably chickened out! Probably can’t even get his skates on. This is the thing, I’m not just worried about my safety! It's theirs as well! How are Shinji and Kaworu going to manage something like this?

Still, if the two of them weren’t so handsome then I’d really hate the pair of them. As it is, I’ll just have to settle for mild annoyance. Damnit, what has happened to me? Allowing myself to be swayed by two... elegant and sexily dressed men!

I look across at Kaworu once again, he must have known what he was doing when he put on those clothes. The black jacket, the loose grey scarf tucked in at the top, the grey gloves and the dark and distractingly tight trousers... it’s like he picked everything to make his silvery hair and handsome face stand out so much more.

Shinji... he’s not so bad either. I presume Rei had a hand in that, maybe I’m being unfair but he doesn’t come across as the most fashion-conscious person in the world. I still can’t see where he is, but he’s dressed well. A blue scarf, a lengthy cream jacket, brown-ish gloves. It all looks brand new as well.

I’ve opted for a dark red jacket that comes down to just past my hips, just as well for when I fall and bust my head open. I’ve got a pair of dark blue jeans on, no scarf and thin red gloves on. If I had known we’d be doing this today then I might have gone for something with a bit more padding. I was dressing for shopping and café visits with my boyfriend's not... an afternoon at the hospital!

“So, where is he?” I call out to Kaworu as I approach, “No, let me guess! He’s chickened out hasn’t he? He couldn’t even get his skates on?”

Kaword smiles back at me but also shakes his head, instead he turns and points towards the rink, “Actually... It would seem that much unlike the other night; this is not Shinji’s first time.”

“Pervert.” I jab Kaworu in the ribs with my elbow before looking out at the ice to see what he is pointing at. I feel the grin fade from my face as I see Shinji, it’s far from the sight I expected to see as well. Instead of being clumsy and falling over, much like I imagine myself and Kaworu will be, Shinji is skating... and he’s skating well. He’s graceful and fast, I look on as he skillfully passes a couple of people without a care, “Oh...”

“indeed.” Kaworu nods, “So I have to ask... you... haven’t really done this... have you?”

I shrug my shoulders and turn back to face him, an embarassed grin starts to form, “Define... having done this...”

“So that is a no then.” He merely laughs and turns top look at the rink again, “I’m glad, I thought that I would be the only one.”

“Yeah well... Just keep it quiet will you!” I let out a sigh as I rest my hands on the barrier, “I already feel stupid enough about boasting to you both earlier.”

“But why?” He smiles at me, “You know neither of us would have judged you.”

“I know that but I’m me, aren’t I?” I give him the honest answer, “It’s not about the two of you judging me, it’s about my pride... it’s about me... being a goddamn idiot! Look, let's just get this over and done with. How difficult can it really be? I mean there are children here? Besides, if Shinji managed to learn it then I’m sure we ca-”

I’m not sure what I regret more, the words I’m speaking or the fact that I’ve just walked onto the ice without focusing on what's in front of me. Maybe both at the same time, maybe both contribute to this. The first step I take is actually fine, I get onto the ice and then I take a second step. That too is fine, but it’s the third step, the one where I’m in the middle of mentioning Shinji and gesturing wildly that I start to falter.

My foot slips and I stumble forward, I try to regain my balance but the front of my skate feels like it gets stuck which causes my other foot to go. Time seems to slow down, like some silly old cartoon and all I can do is go into panic mode as I await the inevitable. Sure enough, it happens and a moment later I feel and hear the thud as I painfully land on the ice, backside first.

“Asuka!”

I curse under my breath as I hear the voice calling my name. It’s not Kaworu but Shinji, I look up to see him skating towards me and stopping himself close by, “Are you okay?”

“Do I look okay?” I snap back at him, “Stupid ice...”

I try to ignore the hurt look on his face as I focus on getting back to my feet. Fortunately, that doesn’t seem to be too much of an issue thanks to my proximity to the barrier. As I get up, I try to ignore the looks of the other skaters and spectators. I lean myself against the barrier for stability and turn myself to face Shinji, he moves towards me holding out his hands.

“I think I’m fine here for the moment.” I quickly say, he puts his hands down, and again I try to ignore the look of hurt on his face. I’m snapping at him for something that isn’t his fault! He thinks I’ve done this before so he probably didn’t expect such a harsh rejection. God damnit! Why did I have to be such an idiot? I quickly try to get him to focus on something else, “Go and see to Angel boy! He probably needs your help more.”

I turn around to see Kaworu stood at the edge of the rink looking at the two of us with a fearful look on his face. I try to take some solace from the fact that his smug grin has faded but at least he, unlike me has been honest about this. I look on as Shinji makes his way to Kaworu and holds out a hand, “Here, take my hand Kaworu. Don’t worry, it’ll be alright.”

It's hard to not feel jealous at the display in front of me. I look on and see Kaworu take Shinji’s hand, I see the two of them exchange a smile and watch as Kaworu steps onto the ice hand in hand with Shinji. That could have been me, we could all have been hand in hand if I hadn’t opened my big mouth.

“Thank you, Shinji.” Kaworu smiles as he steadies himself, “So... what now?”

“What do you mean, what now?” I exclaim, “We skate around the rink, you know... the same thing everyone else is doing!”

“I am aware of that.” he replies, “I just meant... how does one actually skate?”

“I-It’s actually not too difficult.” Shinji smiles at him and turns to face me, “We can show him, right Asuka?”

Shinji lets go of Kaworu’s hand and pushes himself backwards a little bit so he is in the center of the two of us. He looks at me, awaiting my answer and I look to Kaworu to see only a sheepish smile. I let out a sigh, it’s probably best I come clean.

“Actually Shinji...” I pause, “I um... haven’t actually done this before either. I kinda... lied.”

I see the look of confusion on his face spread as he looks at Kaworu who nods, smug smile on his face, and then back to me, “I... don’t understand, what do you mean...”

“Do not make me repeat my words Ikari! What is there to be confused about! I lied!”

“B-But why?” He asks.

“Just teach us both how to skate!” I quickly cut him off, perhaps sounding a bit angrier than I intended to but my pride has taken enough of a hit today already. I just want to get on with this and at least do something.

“O-Okay...” he nods, “I mean... I’ve never really taught someone and I wasn’t taught, I just kinda... picked it up. I don’t really know what to say.”

“It is okay Shinji.” Kaworu moves to stem his fears, “it is only the basics we require, if you just go ahead then we can... watch and follow your lead, can’t we Asuka?”

“Yeah whatever.” I slowly and clumsily make my way in front of Kaworu, hugging the wall as I do so. Pride be damned now. What use is pride to me when I have a broken neck? I position myself with one hand hovering above the wall and the other down by my side. As I position myself I see a few people glide past us, a couple with a child in front of them, pushing a penguin shaped support.

“It is an adorable scene isn’t it?” I hear Kaworu behind me.

I nod, unable to deny that it is quite adorable. I look up at Shinji who is looking at the two of us, quite nervously I might add. Why is it he looks more nervous than we do? At least he can skate.

“O-Okay... I will go slowly then.” Shinji says as he turns and begins to move away. I keep an eye on his feet, watching how he moves and wondering how to replicate that myself. I keep my hand just above the wall as I push myself away and take that first proper step. My feet feel... weird as I slowly move forward, every now and then putting my hand on the wall to steady myself. I try to mimic Shinji’s steps but have some difficulty, every so often I feel like I’m getting it only to slow down immediately or feel my boot getting caught.

Each step I take does build a little bit of confidence within me though, it isn’t quite enough to fully let go of the wall and have my hand down by my side but it is enough to not use the wall every few steps. I continue to walk Shinji as he moves forward, his movements are fluid, he seems to be gliding along the ice with minimal effort, dodging around slower moving people without slowing himself down. He’s confident, he’s barely even thinking about what he is doing and he is... gorgeous.

I’m three quarters around now and realize that for the past quarter my thoughts have been focused more on Shinji and how he looked than my skating. Not only that but I’ve actually been moving faster and making fewer mistakes. That, I suppose is the key to it, it’s like the Eva again, the more I think about what I’m doing the more likely it'll be I make a mistake. Kaworu teaches a similar thing with the piano, the more thought you put into it the more likely you’ll make mistakes. You need to be at one with what you’re doing.

It’s something that is easier said than done, how can I be at one with the thing when it’s all I can think about? Still, this... isn’t so bad. Give me a few more goes and I’ll be just as good as Shinji.

We finally get back to the entrance to the rink, I can feel my legs burning from the exertion but I managed to get around without falling over and making a tit of myself. I position myself close to Shinji and we both watch as a slightly frightened looking Kaworu makes his way towards us. His hand is still hovering just above the wall but he is moving in a good rhythm now as well. I suppress the urge to say something boastful, lest I end up falling on my ass.

“That was... quite fun.” Kaworu smiles as he approaches, “But it was also frightening, I do apologize for being so slow.”

“Don’t be an idiot!” I reach forward and grab his hand, “It’s not like you’ve ever done this before, besides you struggle with staying upright at the best of times. It’s nothing short of a miracle you managed to make it around the rink.”

“I do believe that is something of an exaggeration.” He feigns a hurt look on his face as he protests, “I am not quite as clumsy as you make me out to be!”

“Oh really?” I raise an eyebrow, “Okay then, Shinji... Can you remind me of what happened to our resident alien last night as we were all going to bed... and can you remind me of what happened this morning as we were getting ready?”

Before Shinji can say anything Kaworu gives a sheepish shrug, “Okay... I concede that perhaps I do have my moments.”

“Moments?” I let out a laugh, “Also, I’m sure whoever is in the room below us thought you had dropped dead.”

“Well I am fairly sure they would have no issues believing you were alive, considering the sounds you were ma-”

“Um... Guys, we only have an hour...” Shinji chimes in quickly before Kaworu can finish that sentence and embarrass the three of us.

“Right!” I state, also making sure Kaworu can’t finish that sentence. I often forget that he can sometimes have very little filter when it comes to discussing our sex life, “So let’s go around again!”

Shinji nods and sets off. I follow closely behind and Kaworu behind me. It takes me a few steps to find my rhythm but I start off a lot better than the previous go. With each step I feel that confidence build up within me and the fear of falling fades away. As long as I keep this up, this simple rhythm and focus then I should be alright.

I feel my eyes on Shinji, every few metres he turns to check on me and Kaworu. I have to ignore the little voice in my head daring me to push and go faster to keep up with him. That little competitive voice that wants me to turn this into a race. Not now, not today, I can live without that.

Before I know it, the three of us are back at the entrance once again. Shinji stops with me stopping a moment later as we turn, we can see Kaworu isn’t as far behind as he was the first go around. He still looks worried and has his hand hovering above the wall but it looks like he too has gotten a bit more confident.

“This is... not as bad as I thought it would be.” he says, his voice ragged as he tries to catch his breath, “Although I must admit, it is slightly more tiring than I expected.”

I laugh as the three of us look between one another, each one of us smiling and enjoying one another's company. I try to resist the sad feeling, knowing that this will be the last time the three of us can be together like this for a good few weeks. I wish we could stay. I really do but the reality is that me and Kaworu have to return to Germany, for work and because the UN only allowed us to be here for a certain amount of time.

“Asuka, are you okay?” I hear Kaworu ask me.

I nod my head, “I’m fine, say... shall we... go around together?”

I look on as the same couple from early goes back, still holding hands and moving in a slow rhythm. Shinji looks from them to me, “Are you... sure?”

I nod, “Why not? This is what Angel boy wanted, wasn’t it? Seems to be a waste If we don’t.”

Kaworu looks at me, “True but... what if I... fall? I would not wish to hurt either of you.”

“Then don’t fall.” I shrug, “I wasn’t planning on doing that and I don’t think Shinji was either. Now come on, hold my hand!”

I position myself in the middle of them. With my right hand I take hold of Kaworu’s left. With my left hand I take hold of Shinji’s right. I take a moment to think about what Kaworu said, if he falls down then we’ll all go down together. Being honest, I can think of worse things than those two falling on top of me, although that is in slightly different circumstances.

I’m a bit worried about falling, but I suppose I just need to put my trust in them and they need to trust me too. That’s it really, we take a step forward and trust each other. It’ll be a bit frightening at first and we might stumble in places but we... we can manage it.

We take that first step, as I expected it’s awkward. I feel Kaworu’s hand tighten but we make it. We take another step and then another. With each step we move forward and the trust is rewarded, as it should be.

**Shinji Ikari**

_At least this time I can say goodbye to her properly..._

_At least this time I can say goodbye to him properly..._

_At least this time I know I’ll see the two of them again..._

_This isn’t me saying goodbye forever... this isn’t the end of anything... this is the beginning..._

No matter how many times I repeat those things over and over to myself, it does nothing stop the sadness I’m feeling as I follow the two of them into the airport entrance. I can feel the sting of tears in my eyes and the tightness in my chest. I don’t want them to leave, I don’t want them to go back to Germany or at least I wish I was going with them.

I love them both so much and I don’t know what I’ll do without them near to me. I don’t know what I’ll do when I wake up in the morning and I don’t see their sleeping forms. I don’t know what I’ll do when I wake up and I can’t reach out to hold either of them. I want to be with them all the time, I want them to be around all the time. I love them so much.

We come to a stop near one of the ticket machines and I look at them both, first Kaworu... my boyfriend and then Asuka... my girlfriend. It’s been just over a week since we confessed our feelings and said we’d give it a go. A week of... being together with them... holding hands, cuddling... going shopping, me cooking for them, going out for dinner the ice skating and making love to the two of them. We all knew this day would come and it hurts so much.

“Shinji...” It is Asuka who speaks first. I turn to see her looking at me, her bottom lip trembling and I see the faint form of a tear in the corner of her eye. I take her hand in mine as she looks away to compose herself, “...You know this is... not... because we want to go, right?”

“I know.” I nod my head, “I know... You guys have to go back, the stuff with the UN and I can’t go with you because of that too.”

I try to mask the bitterness in my voice as I say that. Being angry at this point would be fruitless, trying to rebel against it would only hurt us all. We all agreed to the conditions the UN put forward and all we can do is deal with it.

“It’s also going to be Christmas soon Shinji... you should be here with Misato and Rei... with your family and not with us.” Asuka reminds me.

“I... I know that...” I answer, “I just wish...”

I shake my head as I trail off, I feel Kaworu take my other hand and I turn to face him. He’s sad, he’s been sad and silent all morning.

“it is... difficult to say goodbye to you once again Shinji...” He finally says, his voice low and in danger of cracking, “I suppose... at least this time it is under better circumstances. I am... very much alive, after all.”

I let out a small laugh as I let go of their hands, “Yeah... That is something.”

I look and see Asuka grinning, “And hey... at least I don’t think I hate you all, I guess we’ve all made some progress.”

I'm still laughing as I answer, “Yeah, I suppose we have.”

“Are you going to be okay Shinji?” Kaworu asks me, the laughter fading as he places a hand on my shoulder.

 “Yeah... I will be. I’m just... not used to goodbyes like this. Usually people just leave me.” I half smile and shrug, “You two... won’t forget about me, will you?”

“Idiot!” Asuka punches me playfully in the shoulder, “We love you Shinji. The three of us are... we’re all together. This isn’t just me and Kaworu with you are the side dish, this is me... and you and Kaworu. We’re equal and we are going to miss you so goddamn much.”

Asuka moves forward wrapping her arms around me tightly and burying her head into my shoulder, I let her rest for a moment before bringing up my hand and gently stroking it through her hair. I feel her shoulders shake slightly and hear her whisper, “Idiot. I love you.”

“I... understand what you are feeling Shinji, under the same circumstances I think I would... feel the same but Asuka is right. You are an equal part of this relationship and we could... never forget about you. You are beyond precious to us, we... love you.”

I nod again, “I know, I love you both too.”

Asuka pulls herself away from me and rubs her eyes, I reach forward and wipe away one of the still remaining tears from her cheek.

“We won’t abandon you Shinji, as soon as we get back to Germany, we’ll call you. We’ll work out when you can come visit us or when we can visit you, I don’t care which one. Just... don’t think we’re going to leave or anything.”

“I... I know, I won’t. Thank you.”

Asuka moves forward again and we take a moment to look into one another's eyes before she leans in further, and our lips meet. We stand there sharing a kiss, before she breaks it and looks at me, “I love you Shinji.”

“I love you too...” I manage to choke out, the emotion rising once again.

I turn myself towards Kaworu who takes both my hands into his, “I love you Shinji.”

“I love you too Kaworu.” We look into each other's eyes, much like Asuka and I did moments ago but the look lingers as we both become unsure. We’re both not quite used to being affectionate in public yet, we both worry about the attitude of others might be towards it but then... this might be the last time I see him for a while. If I don’t do this now then... I don’t want to wait months for it. I step forward, putting my hand on the back of his head and pulling him towards me. Our lips part slightly as we begin to kiss, his hand on my side and the other running itself through my hair, our tongues dance with one another as for this moment there is only the two of us.

“Guys... GUYS!” We break the kiss on hearing Asuka calling our name. I sheepishly step away and see her glaring at the two of us, without saying anything else she marches forward, takes out of me and kisses me for the same length and passion that I just kissed Kaworu. On breaking the kiss she playfully shoves me in the chest, “There, something for you to remember the both of us by, until we meet again and do the rest.”

I smile feeling redness coming to my cheeks, “Y-Yeah, it won’t too long, will it?”

She shakes her head, “No, it won’t. I promise.”

With those words she lets out a sigh and looks up at the departure times. Kaworu does the same before looking back at me, “We should... go. Goodbye Shinji.”

“Goodbye.”

We say our goodbyes once again and share one final kiss between us before the two of them grab their luggage and begin to make their way further into the airport and away from me. All at once the burning of the tears in my eyes and the tightness in my chest returns as I see them get further away from me. I’m going to miss them both so much but I need to remind myself that this isn’t the last time I’ll see them.

When they finally leave my sight, I turn and make my way out of the airport back to a waiting Misato. Despite the tears I’m blinking away I actually realize I’m smiling. I’m so lucky, at the start of this year I didn’t think anyone could or would love me and now as Christmas and the New Year approaches I have two wonderful people who love me and I love those two so very much.

_Asuka... Kaworu... I will see you both soon. I promise._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I've been fairly quiet whilst writing this story but we are now at the end of the piece. I'd just like to take this opportunity to say a massive thank you to everyone who has followed this story from beginning to the end. It's been a joy and a challenge to write.
> 
> It's also been scary at times to write, never really being too sure what the reaction would be to this sort of story. I didn't know if people would be angry at seeing this sort of thing be attempted, I didn't know if they'd laugh at it or just not bother with it. I'm very happy to see there are a few people out there who have liked it and stuck with it through to the conclusion though, it all means a hell of a lot to me.
> 
> Initially this story was never going to be this long, it was originally going to be a pretty quick and easy 3 chapter WAFF piece but as I sketched out ideas for it I saw it could never be condensed into that. I felt I could do a lot of work in developing the characters more until it became this thing, and it is something I am very proud of, I just hope you all enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it.
> 
> As far as this 'Ending' goes, this is pretty much the end of the story but there will be two epilogues that I'm currently writing. They won't be especially long pieces but they will tie up a couple of bits, so expect them in the next week or so. I just wanted to say something at this, the part I consider to be the end of the main story.
> 
> Once again, thank you so much for reading.


	29. Epilogue - Objects In The Rear View Mirror

**Epilogue 01**

**June 2022 - Kaworu Nagisa**

I feel the tiniest rush of excitement as I finish taping up the large box, grab a marker and write albums 1970-1979 on the side of it. I have a smile on my face as I pick up the box, carry it into the living room and set it down amidst the myriad of similar size boxes that have already been taped up. It is strange for me to think that in just over a week from now, all of these boxes will be sitting in our new home in Japan, waiting for us to unpack them.

In fact, just over a week ago none of these boxes were here. All of their contents were scattered across our home as they have been for the last year or so. Our video games, our albums, our consoles and clothing were all in their appropriate places, or at least in some sort of place. We had full bookcases and wardrobes, drawers and shelves. In the corner of the living room was my keyboard, that was one of the first things to be packaged up, it now lies hidden with everything else.

We had photos up on the walls, pictures of me and Asuka, pictures of me and Shinji, of Asuka and Shinji and some of the three of us together. We had photos of friends and of our visit to Japan. We had framed pictures of the cover art for Asuka’s novels. Now, all of that has been packed away, the walls and shelves are bare, as bare as they were when I first moved in. As bare as they were up until Asuka moved in and I started to learn how to be a little bit more human.

The personality... our stamp on this place has been removed, it is now ready for someone else to move in and leave their mark on it. I only hope that they’re able to make as many happy memories here as the two of us have made.

I’m about to go back into the bedroom and see if I can maybe pack one more box, surely one of the last when the front door suddenly opens. I stop as I hear Asuka and Shinji calling down the hallway that they’re back, the two of them enter the room and I greet them both with a kiss. Shinji is carrying two bags of food from a local fast food place, he sets it down on the kitchen counter, one of the few free spots left.

“How did things go?” I ask eagerly as Shinji starts to get the food out fo the bag. I feel my stomach growl in response of the sight of the boxed burgers.

“It went fine!” Asuka answers me as she enters the room, throws some documents down on the ground and snatches up her burger and fries. She shoves a box aside with her foot, sits herself down and flips the lid of the box open before pouring her fries into the lid. She takes a bite of the burger and continues to answer me whilst chewing, “Everything has been sorted, we spoke to the UN representative, they’re not going to interfere and put any restrictions on you. Said they’ll have some bodyguards nearby but it’ll be minimal.”

I let out a sigh of relief, “That is good, I must admit I was still a bit worried that perhaps-”

“You had nothing to worry about!” Asuka cuts me off and throws one of her fries at me, it hits me on my shoulder before annoying landing on the floor. I shoot her a glare as she continues, “It was cleared weeks ago! They said there would be no problems, today was just the final confirmation. Besides it’s not like they could say no, I mean with Fuyutsuki retiring and going back to Japan you had no job here. Ritsuko has already said the school she works at has a full-time position for a music teacher so it was perfect.”

“I understand that.” I answer her as I pick up the fry from the floor and put it in the bin, “But given their opposition to me going to Japan last time, I did worry that perhaps they would rescind their prior approval."

Asuka shrugs, “They were being idiots back then though, weren’t they? Besides you proved them all wrong! We were there for a few weeks and you didn’t do anything bad, no explosions, no creepy levitation, no hijacking giant robots, all fine! Tell him Shinji!”

I turn to Shinji, who has so far stayed out of the conversation and is instead focused on dipping a chicken nugget into a pot of sauce. He looks between the two of us and nods, “A-Asuka is right Kaworu. I don’t think you had anything to worry about. I mean they already allowed us to buy the house and sort out your immigration, it would have been weird to turn you down now.”

“I suppose... but you cannot blame me for being concerned. I still do... not trust those people.”

“Neither do I!” Asuka adds, “But they know better than to mess us about with stuff like this. Look, forget about them for now. Focus on us and what we’re doing, focus on getting the rest of this stuff packed up and then tomorrow it’ll get shipped away. We go next week and move into our own place... the three of us.”

I smile as she says that, “You are right... Thank you.”

I take this as an opportunity to grab my food from the bag but also to reflect on how quickly we have gotten to this point. I think it’s been a lot faster than any of us anticipated but then again, the last few months have also been harder than we anticipated. Neither me or Asuka were able to find an opportunity to go back to Japan over those months and Shinji was only able to fly out to see us twice before now.

There have been some arguments, there has been some upsets and a need to reassure one another greatly over the last few months but another thing was confirmed, we all do love each other, deeply and passionately. We speak pretty much every day and we’re always sending each other photos and updates and there have even been a few... intimate moments shared across the internet with each other.

Next week I begin to write a new chapter in my life with these two amazing people. I feel so lucky and I hope I can give them half as much happiness as what they bring me. Once I feared the future but now not so much, because I get to share it with them and I would have it no other way.

**Epilogue 02**

I glance upwards at the apartment block and then back down at the address written on the small strip of paper. Maybe I shouldn’t have done but I called in a favour to help me track down this place, unless they got it very wrong then it seems things have gone very well for Nurse Makinami over the last fifteen years. These aren’t just high-end apartments, these are the sorts of places reserved for the elite. I’m sure if I hung around long enough, I’d probably run into a movie or pop star of some sort, either that or get escorted off of the premises for being creepy.

Nurse Makinami, she is the reason I am here. It was a dumb suggestion by Kaworu that took root in my mind. This idea that I should maybe make an effort to tie up any loose ends I had here. I had mentioned recently to him that she was the one person who was really kinda to me when Mama was in hospital, and that I would like to say thank you if I could, especially given that she gave me my pen name. He said I should do it, given our connections it wouldn’t be hard to locate her even if that would be a bit... unscrupulous.

I walk straight ahead into the lobby of the block. It’s a far cry from what I’m used to in these areas, it’s well maintained, there are paintings up on the wall and plants scattered around. It looks nice, like a luxury hotel. There is some seating set up, around a table littered with high end fashion or car magazines. A coffee machine stands in the corner and a locked door blocks the way to the elevators and stairs.

To my left is a reception desk, standing behind it is a short and slightly snobbish looking man, his features reminding me very much of the detective Hercule Poirot. I approach and make myself known, “Hello, excuse me.”

I get no reply, as he continues to look down at some booklets, I repeat myself only this time speaking a little bit louder. This does get his attention and he gives a little sniff and turns his head to look at me. He looks me up and down and I see his eyes narrow. I already get the impression he doesn’t think too much of me, not that his opinion matters.

“Can I help you?” He speaks with a forced posh accent and doesn’t even try to mask the disdain in his voice.

“Yes, you can, I’m looking for Miss Mari Makinami.” I explain, “I was told that she lives here in number eight.”

“I am sorry but I cannot help you, as you can see.” He points to a sign on the wall behind him, “We have a strict policy restricting sales people, political campaigning or other unannounced visitors. As you can imagine we host a particular sort of clientele here, most of whom for their own protection do not wish to be disturbed. If you are here to make a mail delivery, please go to the mail building around the corner and they will handle it.”

“Ah no, you don’t understand...” I try to remain calm whilst speaking to him, “I’m not here to sell anything or deliver anything. I know... well I knew her some time ago. I wanted to speak to her.”

“Mm-hmm...” I can tell by the tone of his voice and the look I’m getting that he doesn’t believe me, I can also say that it’s taking a lot for me to not dive over the table to tear the moustache from his face, “And how exactly do you know Miss Makinami?”

“I...” I don’t, but I also didn’t expect to deal with the door attendant from hell. I also don’t really want to be revealing any details of my past to someone like him, “I was a patient of hers when she was a nurse.”

It’s a simple lie but he does seem to actually think about it. I decide to add more to my story just to see if I can push this a bit further, “My name is Asuka Langley Soryu, the name will mean something to her.”

“I doubt that.” He answers, “It means very little to me, and as mentioned we have strict policies in place that I am not willing to bend for the likes of you.”

“Now listen here you, I didn’t fi-” I’m about to launch full pelt into a rant based on how I fought oversized creatures in an attempt to save this world and therefore people like him to be treated like this when I’m thankfully cut off by the sounds of a woman clearing her throat.

“What is going on here?” I turn my head to see the source of the voice and see a grinning woman in her mid-forties standing in the entrance of the lobby. She’s clutching a carrier bag from a local supermarket and from here I can see the bright pink rim of her glasses. She has long brown hair and her eyes seem to be focused on me.

“Ah, Miss Makinami, I was just telling this person of our visitor policies. They claim that they know you, but I am certain that cannot be the case.”

My words get stuck in my throat as I take in the sight of the woman before me, this is Nurse Makinami, this is the woman I came to visit. It’s not really going as I imagined. She continues to look at me and then I see the flash of recognition in her eyes, the grin fades only to be left with a shocked expression, “A-Asuka... It’s... really you?”

I’m half tempted to laugh and gloat at the stunned mock Poirot next to me but all I can do is nod feebly, “Y-Yeah... You, remember who I am?”

“Of course! Of course I remember you!” She answers, “I just... never thought I’d see you again. It’s been a long time. Please, come on up.”

She moves into the lobby and swipes her card at the door leading to the elevators and again at the elevator. I shoot the receptionist a slight grin before following closely behind Mari, slightly stunned that she does actually remember who I am. Now that I’m here I find myself at a loss of what exactly to do. Like most things I’d just kinda gone in without a plan.

The elevator door closes and the journey to her floor begins. For a time, we’re silent and I take the chance to look her over and also peek inside the shopping bag. She is smiling again and I have to admit she isn’t quite what I expected. Between the grin, the way she stands, her clothing choices and the bag full of beer and instant miles I’m reminded very much of Misato.

“So, how did you find me?” She finally speaks as the elevator reaches its destination, “Was it Fuyutsuki?”

As we step out, I find myself caught in a stunned silence as she continues to grin, “Bet you’re wondering how I know that name, aren’t you?”

I nod my head and follow her through the luxurious corridor towards her apartment, “Yeah, I am and no... it wasn’t him.”

“Oh well, I would have expected...” She laughs as she reaches her door, “I suppose that can wait. I guess I’m probably not what you expected, am I?”

“Well... I guess not.” I admit to her, “I mean... I don’t want to be rude but... this isn’t really a place you can get on a nurse's salary and seeing as you know who Fuyutsuki is... I’m guessing you weren’t a normal nurse.”

“No, I wasn’t.” She laughs.

I take a moment to try to let the shock of learning that sink in. For so long I thought her being kind to me was just a random act of kindness from a random nurse and now it seems like she was tied into everything as well. This spur of the moment decision has given me more questions than I had before. I wasn’t prepared for this! I was just going to say thank you to her and explain how I stole her name for my pseudonym.

There is a small voice in the back of my head telling me that something could also be very wrong. I look up and down the corridor once again for anything strange. If Mari knows who Fuyutsuki is in relation to me then who exactly is she? Was she a friend or foe? NERV, SEELE or someone else? She didn’t come into having this place off the back of a lottery win, so what exactly was she?

I follow her cautiously into the apartment itself, I feel slightly calmer at the sight of it, the main living space is as big as I expected, actually covering two floors a corridor off to the side for what I presume are the bedrooms and bathrooms. The view is spectacular, giving a great view of the city. Inside is slightly less tidy, empty beer cans are left on bits of furniture, I spot empty plates, and some discarded underwear.

“Sorry about the mess.” She announces, without any shame as she leads me through the living room into the open kitchen. It’s the sort of kitchen Shinji would love to cook in but I imagine, based on the amount of instant food here, that most of it goes unused. I also imagine that the amount of mess and unwashed dishes would give Shinji a heart attack, “I don’t normally get visitors.”

“It’s fine.” I say, my eyes are quickly drawn to a calendar on the wall and I feel myself blush as the sight of a woman with large exposed breasts and tight black leggings straddling another topless woman wearing tight red leggings greets me.

“You look like you have some questions, can I offer you some tea?”

I nod and she starts fills up a kettle and puts it on before pulling out two clean mugs from a cupboard. As I watch her, I try to think of something to say, I didn’t really know what I was going to say in the first place but now I have more questions.

“I’m sorry for calling in like this. Your... receptionist seemed quite offended by me.”

Mari lets out a laugh, “Oh ignore him, he’s little more than a snob, all about the status and being seen with the right people. If he knew who you truly were then he’d change his tune. The world owes a lot to you, but I’m sure you’ve probably heard that before.”

I nod and smirk, “Maybe once or twice.”

“I wish I could have prevented all of that.” She frowns as she sets down one of the cups of tea in front of me. She pulls a carton of milk out of the fridge, I add a touch to my tea and continue to listen as she speaks, “I tried but...”

“Wait...” I interrupt her, “What do you mean you tried?”

“Exactly what I said.” She explains, “I guess there was little I could do at the time, after all I wasn’t supposed to do anything that’d make me stand out and I suppose helping to orchestrate the disappearance of the prime candidate for the Evangelion project would have hurt that but I did try.”

“Why?”

“Because I made a promise to your mother, that I would protect you.” Her words hit me with the force of a fly hitting the windshield of a car. I can barely hear her say the next part, “And I am so sorry that I failed in that promise.”

“Y-You... knew my mother?”

She nods solemnly, “I knew her... and I knew Yui as well. I met them both just before you were born, the three of us were friends. Look at this.”

I watch as she makes her way over to a bookshelf in the front room and takes a photo down from it. She hands me the photo and I take it with trembling hands. It’s hard for me to suppress the gasp when I see the three people on it. In the middle is a much younger Mari and to each side is my mother and Shinji’s mother.

“This is...” I trail off and look up at Mari. Once again, I’m reminded of Misato in how she has gone from a lighthearted grin to deadly serious.

“That was taken about half a year before Yui disappeared and of course before your mother died.” Mari informs me, “It was the last time the three of us were together, that was when I promised your mother I’d look after you.”

“Were you part of Gehirn?”

“Not quite.” She takes the photo from me and sets it down on the kitchen counter as she continues to explain, “I probably shouldn’t show you that or tell you any of this but... you have a right to know. I was part of a special UN division tasked with investigating the truth of Second Impact. We wanted to prevent anything like that happening again and bring the culprits to justice. My orders were to infiltrate, find out what I could and if necessary... remove those responsible.”

“Remove y-you mean... kill?” I feel my stomach start to churn as I speak those words. When I came here today I expected to find a nurse in her mid-forties, not some ex-agent of the UN. I feel even worse when she nods.

“If needed then yes, I was to kill.” She confirms, “Not that it matters, the division was only a smokescreen. It was set up to give those with any doubts the impression that something was happening. What we didn’t realize then was that SEELE practically controlled the UN so it was all set up in their favour.”

“Did my mother know what you were?” I ask her, whilst making an effort to maintain my composure. I feel a little bit dizzy with what I’m suddenly learning.

“She and Yui knew.” Mari explains, “Neither of them wanted Third Impact to happen and they knew that because of their work it would happen. They figured out what I was and came to be on their own. It was because of them I learned just how much control SEELE truly had. They helped me out, got me into places I wouldn’t have been able to, shown me things I was never supposed to see, at great risk to themselves and to you and Shinji.”

I feel some pride at hearing that and make a note to tell Shinji later. I always liked to imagine that my mother would have tried to resist SEELE and I know Shinji feels a similar way about his mother. Most of the information relating to the two of them has been erased so we’ve never known the full truth. I’m kinda proud to know that she did try to resist.

“Unfortunately, something went wrong, I guess they saw how close I was to the two of them and our mission was suddenly halted. Not long after that Yui vanished and... well you know what happened to your mother.” She lowers her head, “Before she was forced to do the test, I promised her that I’d do what I could to look after you. I was going to try to get you moved elsewhere.”

“What happened?” I try to imagine any sort of life different to the one I had. Who would I have become if I had been taken away from that situation? Would I have finally come to terms with what happened to my mother? Would I have been better adjusted? At the same time, my life... and my past is what made me the person I am now. I am better adjusted now, I have come to terms with what happened to my mother. I’m at that place, but it just took me a bit longer to get here.

“I tried... I had a plan to sneak you out when you were at the hospital and get you to America, some small town where you could blend in and no one would find you but...”

“That would have been impossible, wouldn’t it?” I ask, knowing full well her plan wouldn’t have worked.

She shakes her head, “Yeah, it would. As soon as your mother had the accident, they doubled the security on you and drew up plans to get you away as soon as possible. They also had me moved away from Germany as quickly as they could.”

“And after that?”

“After that... Well, I knew something was rotten with the UN and I made it my goal to try to expose the truth. A couple of us banded together and started pursuing leads and recruiting others. Through... blind luck I guess, we were able to get eyes on NERV and SEELE again and more importantly for me both yourself and Shinji but... we were always too goddamn late.”

There is a bitterness to her voice, one that I understand. I’ve always thought back to those times, if only I’d have been a bit smarter or if I’d have questioned things a bit more but I was so eager to play the good solider in pursuit of validation that I never stopped to actually think. I know that none of that is my fault though, I did what I could with what I had.

“You did what you could.” I weakly throw out.

“I know.” She nods, “We all did, some of us died for that cause. Your former guardian, Ryoji Kaji was one of my men.”

“You knew Kaji?” I ask and again she nods to confirm.

“Yeah, he helped me keep an eye on the two of you. He lost a lot during the Second Impact and I think he was more desperate than any of us were to expose the truth.”

“Idiot.” I snarl out the word angrily.

Mari laughs, “Yeah, he is. He... certainly is. Losing him was one of my biggest regrets, I know how much he cared for you and Shinji and I... know how much you cared for him.”

Mari grins as I feel a blush come to my cheeks, I’m instantly reminded of how ridiculous I used to act around Kaji, a pathetic example of a childhood crush. I expect Mari knows all about that, I just wonder how much Kaji told her.

“I was...”

She laughs, “No need to explain, we’ve all got our fantasies and crushes, I mean if you knew what went through my mind around Shinji’s mother. I mean she was beautiful! I would have loved to pin her down an...”

Mari trails off as she gets a glimpse of my reddening face and what I am sure is a very shocked expression. I’m just glad Shinji isn’t here to hear this woman talking about her fantasies about his mother. She shrugs, “Probably a discussion for another... more drunken time.”

“Y-Yeah...” I shuffle my feet in discomfort and weakly try to steer the conversation elsewhere, “What do you do now?”

“Nothing.” She shakes her head, “I saved up a lot during my time and was given a lot after it for my efforts so I’m mostly retired now. I had considered writing a book but it... seems someone has already written one for me.”

She flashes me a knowing grin and I once again feel some discomfort, “Ah... Actually, that was one reason I was here.”

“Go on...”

“When... my mother had her accident everyone at that hospital was... well they didn’t really seem to care. You were, the only person who really took the time to speak to me or be with me, I always remembered that. So, when I wrote the book I didn’t want to use my actual name, you know I didn’t want someone to figure out who I was and I didn’t want the publicity so I thought I’d... name it after the one adult who was kind to me back then.”

“I see...” The smile fades from her face, “I... don’t know what to say to that. Thank you.”

“I haven’t... caused you any trouble have I?” I ask her and she shakes her head.

“No, not at all. If anything I’m quite amused when I’m asked about it. It was a bit of a shock when I first heard of the book, wondered if maybe I got too drunk one night and became a literary genius. Would have been a kick in the face to my old teachers.” She is back to grinning again, “I am honored Asuka. You know, your mother would be very proud of what you’ve become. She always wanted a creative child, if I remember correctly, she was very much into her music.”

“Yeah, I got her record collection.” I laugh.

“Is that all you have of her?”

“Yeah, my father... took the rest, same with Shinji’s father. Neither of us have much of our mothers really.”

Mari frowns but then suddenly leaves the room and heads towards a cabinet in the living room. She returns with a photo album and hands it to me, “Here, this isn’t... well it isn’t much. It’s a few photos of my time with them. I can get them copied for you but it’ll be for the both of you, to see your mothers as they were.”

My hands are trembling as I take the album from her. I open it and start to look through, I try to stem the tears as I see the photos of mine and Shinji’s mother. I smile as I turn to one page and see Shinji’s mother holding who I presume to be a baby Shinji in her arms, the next page shows Mari and my mother smiling, and the photo after that shows a very nervous looking Mari holding a baby with bright red hair in her arms.

“You threw up on me shortly after that one was taken.” Mari groans, “I was never any good around children.”

I laugh as I continue to leaf through the booklet, more photos pass me by until I get to one page and stop. This photo is of Mari but it isn’t like the others. This doesn’t include me or Shinji, nor does it include our mothers. Instead Mari is a couple of years old and with her is a kid, maybe about seven or eight. They seem to be in a very posh and old looking room.

The photo itself would probably be unremarkable if it weren’t for the look of the child. Pale white skin, bright red eyes and silver hair, this is her and Kaworu. She knew Kaworu as well!

“Kaworu Nagisa...” She mutters, “That was the closest I ever got to SEELE and their committee, helping to educate him. He was a sweet child, very bright and inquisitive. I always felt so sorry for him, he never had any friends or stimulation beyond what they set out for him.”

“He did.” I exclaim, “He... Kaworu, I... I know him, he is... my boyfriend. Can I... have a copy of this photo as well?”

I look up and see Mari nod, “Of course! It seems there is a lot I don’t know. I was so sure that he... well I knew what he was. I knew what SEELE had planned for him.”

I laugh, “Yeah... You have no idea. I don’t really know where to begin.”

“Well, I’m sure it can wait for another time.” I pass her the book back, “I’m just glad he seems to have found a life for himself.”

\----

I’m leaving Mari’s home some half an hour or so after finding out that she knew Kaworu as well. We’ve exchanged phone numbers and e-mail addresses. I haven’t filled her in on the full details of mine, Kaworu and Shinji’s relationship but I will do so when I can.

Truth be told I’m more than a little bit stunned by everything I have learned. I don’t really know how to process it all, should I be happy about it all? Should I be upset or angry about any of this? I guess I can work all of that out at a later point, after I’ve spoken to Shinji and Kaworu. I’m sure they will be just as surprised as I am, especially Kaworu.

One thing I do feel with this is a sense of closure, like a huge chapter in my life is finally ending and I can move on with the next. I think this is the same for all of us, we’re starting to accept who we were and what we are now and moving forward, and the best thing is, we get to do it all together.

**End.**


End file.
